Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

No, no...you are not making it worse. You are actually helping me. I was feeling terrible earlier and I came home to let my emotions out. You showed up just in time because I so need your words of encouragement. Thank you.

[UnchainedSoul]

Well, I am glad I can help in any way. Sometimes these things just need a fresh pair of eyes. You story touched me in so many ways, cause I too have gone back and forth around in my own head. I will share with you a short poem from one of my favorite poets Rumi, I always go back to his poetry when I want to feel love in my heart again.

 

Oh soul,

you worry too much.

You have seen your own strength.

You have seen your own beauty.

You have seen your golden wings.

Of anything less,

why do you worry?

You are in truth

the soul, of the soul, of the soul.

[UnchainedSoul]

In silence there is eloquence. Stop weaving and watch how the pattern improves."

You suppose you are the trouble

But you are the cure

You suppose that you are the lock on the door

But you are the key that opens it

You don't see your own face, your own beauty

Yet, no face is more beautiful than yours."

"Only from the heart Can you touch the sky."

"People of the world don't look at themselves, and so they blame one another."

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

[lostlove76]

Those 6 weeks after he moved, was it complete silence? Today is a really bad day for me. It has been one month since we broke up and I feel like I've been in sort of a la la land this whole time, for some reason I feel like it is only today that I'm realizing this is permanent. I honestly believe he doesn't want to be held down in a relationship and no matter how curious he is about what I'm doing or not doing, I believe he doesn't want the relationship and will not change his mind about that. I really think he is just going about his life and is content with his decision. UnchainedSoul said it perfectly, if a man wants you in his life, he will move mountains to make that happen. When I really think about it, he travels quite a bit for work, why in the world would he want to throw me in that mix when he knew he already had so many problems with me and my insecurities? Why would he even want to deal with something like that?

 

Hi ksol. I'm sorry you're having such a rough day I just got home, and I only have an hour to eat and do a couple things before I need to go over and housesit for the night. I haven't read everything, just scanned, but I will once I'm over there and have the animals all settled. I just grabbed a quote to reply to real quick. Yes, it was complete and total silence for those 6 weeks. After he moved I told him that unless the plan was for me to move there to be with him, I needed to move on. He basically said move on (he had just gotten there and I'm sure he was seeing all this freedom and newness in front of him, but he was pretty cold about moving on). 4 days later he texted that he missed me and I replied with the same thing I said before, and he didn't respond. After that, the 6 weeks of silence before he called saying he missed me and loved me and wanted me to move there. I had deleted him as a facebook friend after the "moving on" convo, and then he readded me after he called. I quickly scanned his timeline and saw mention of him seeing some girl during that 6 weeks. I asked him about it and he said it ended "a long time ago" lol, so it couldn't have lasted long, but still killed me ugh. Anyways, we then proceeded with the 6 months long-distance talking all the time about me moving there and you know the rest.

 

So even though yours is being completely silent does not mean that the wheels in his head aren't turning, doesn't mean that he doesn't miss you, doesn't mean that he doesn't wish you would call, and doesn't mean that he won't eventually make contact like the last two times. I know it feels very final since there is zero contact. As for feeling like he wants his freedom, maybe he'll enjoy that for a short while and then realize that freedom isn't very fun when you don't have any real and solid connections with someone you love. "Freedom" equals "nothing left to lose." I saw that quote somewhere. Why would anyone want a life that is void of anything meaningful? As for your problems and insecurities, everyone comes with their own set of baggage. No one is going to be perfect. There's an article somewhere that's titled something like "How do you know if he loves you? Stress him the h3ll out." Here it is, actually: / I don't have time to reread it to make sure it's relevant, but I remember getting something out of it when I read it a while back.

 

Okay, I need to run, sorry to cut this way short. I'll write some more in a little while. Hang in there, ksol.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I'm sorry you're having such a rough day I just got home, and I only have an hour to eat and do a couple things before I need to go over and housesit for the night. I haven't read everything, just scanned, but I will once I'm over there and have the animals all settled. I just grabbed a quote to reply to real quick. Yes, it was complete and total silence for those 6 weeks. After he moved I told him that unless the plan was for me to move there to be with him, I needed to move on. He basically said move on (he had just gotten there and I'm sure he was seeing all this freedom and newness in front of him, but he was pretty cold about moving on). 4 days later he texted that he missed me and I replied with the same thing I said before, and he didn't respond. After that, the 6 weeks of silence before he called saying he missed me and loved me and wanted me to move there. I had deleted him as a facebook friend after the "moving on" convo, and then he readded me after he called. I quickly scanned his timeline and saw mention of him seeing some girl during that 6 weeks. I asked him about it and he said it ended "a long time ago" lol, so it couldn't have lasted long, but still killed me ugh. Anyways, we then proceeded with the 6 months long-distance talking all the time about me moving there and you know the rest.

 

So even though yours is being completely silent does not mean that the wheels in his head aren't turning, doesn't mean that he doesn't miss you, doesn't mean that he doesn't wish you would call, and doesn't mean that he won't eventually make contact like the last two times. I know it feels very final since there is zero contact. As for feeling like he wants his freedom, maybe he'll enjoy that for a short while and then realize that freedom isn't very fun when you don't have any real and solid connections with someone you love. "Freedom" equals "nothing left to lose." I saw that quote somewhere. Why would anyone want a life that is void of anything meaningful? As for your problems and insecurities, everyone comes with their own set of baggage. No one is going to be perfect. There's an article somewhere that's titled something like "How do you know if he loves you? Stress him the h3ll out." Here it is, actually: / I don't have time to reread it to make sure it's relevant, but I remember getting something out of it when I read it a while back.

 

Okay, I need to run, sorry to cut this way short. I'll write some more in a little while. Hang in there, ksol.

 

Hi. I'm full of sadness and I keep crying. I can't make myslef stop. I don't even know what triggered it. I just keep thinking about how he said something about how he wished this never went anywhere and how I need to focus on my life because we both know the relationship wasn't going to work. Just everything harsh that was said is jabbing at me right now. I remember telling him I felt there was no connection between us and he responded saying you hit it on the head..there's no connection. I remember completely stonewalling him those last few days. I said those things out of pure anger and I didn't mean it. I'm taking everything he said as his true feelings. I just don't understand how he could give up on us. He didn't fight back..he lost his faith in me. I'm so stressed out. He gave up on me and threw it all away.

 

Freedom or no freedom, I don't even know if that even really plays a factor. He's older than me. He's been through so much more than me. He lost his family, divorced, and had to start all over. At this point in his life, he has to know what he wants and what he doesn't. I've always viewed him as someone who has lost any and everything that has ever meant anything to him. His mother died at the age of 12, father died before he could even remember, foster homes, divorce. He has lost it all and although he has worked his way through and now has a successful career, I don't see that anything else matters to him much. He had such high hopes and dreams for our relationship, but I don't think I ever felt secured. Who am I, what is our relationship compared to what he has already lost in his life? No one...nothing. Losing a girlfriend of 2 years is no comparison. He doesn't care if he let's everything go to waste.

 

You said he had a brief fling with a woman in the time you guys were apart those 6 weeks. He may have tried to rebound hoping to help him feel better, hoping to help him move on and it didn't work. I can't imagine that pain and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I think about this everyday. That would nearly kill me. I know no relationship is perfect and people survive all kinds of madness in their relationships.

 

I can't wrap my head around anything right now. I can't even believe I let myself lose control of myself like this. I'm stronger than this. Who would want a life void of anything meaningful? You're absolutely right about that, but maybe this is what he wants. Maybe he wants to be alone because that is what's safest to him. He doesn't want to be with me that's for sure. I just can't make sense of any of it. There is no telling with this silence. I don't have the slightest clue what he is thinking or feeling. All I take from it is that he is trying to move on with his life. I don't think this is a matter of pride, ego, fear or anything like that. This life I tell you.....

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I just now got a chance to start catching up, which I'll do after posting this but just wanted to say hi first. I had to rush around to get over to housesit, and then take care of things here, and then my new friend (guy friend's wife) messaged me and we had another long conversation. The whole time we we're talking, and really for about the past 5 or 6 hours, actually, my ex was online. I have no clue what he could be doing for that long of time. Especially after being on not at all for the past couple of days. I keep saying this, I know, but every time I see him on, I hope he's seeing me on too. But most likely he's looking for the new girl or something. He's trying to get someone's attention though for sure, no doubt, or talking to someone. He plays games too, whoever he's playing them with. Sigh.

 

I hope your day got better. Going to read and catch up now.

[lostlove76]

Ksol! My dear, my darling, never give up! I know you are in a bad place right now, it's hard being where you're at. It's hard to actually put words into action when you are feeling incredibly vulnerable and sad. This is a very emotional time in your life you're right, the best you can do is write about it, get it out of you, like you have been doing here and EVENTUALLY time will heal you. I know I cannot bring you comfort with such cliche phrases like "time heals all wounds" but there is some truth to that. It is so hard I know, dear, I know. But you aren't alone in this fight. Others have reached out, and your dear sweet soul Lostlove has been right by your side through this journey. There are people who care and who genuinely feel what you are feeling.

 

The self-doubt. Oh, girl I know it so well! All the positive things you are doing feels like a mountain when you are feeling sad. But one thing I will say is that it does pass. There have been some real positive posts you have made in this thread when you really shine and see through the fog of this place you are in right now. But there is light in the fog. You held onto a "dream of a man." You held on tightly because you were such an awesome stepmom and you were a family. But you know someone said on this thread earlier, and it was even said in the movie "He's Just Not Into You" (great chick-flick by the way if you haven't seen it), that if a man WANTS you, he will move mountains to have you. He will fight for you in the end no matter what it takes. All this self blame you put on yourself, will just force you down more in the hole, and I don't want to see such a bright flame like yours extinguished because of a man.

 

Now I am not telling you to "snap out of it" because that would be an exercise in futility. What I am saying is bring joy back in your life by doing things for yourself. You're like me in a way, when I feel a bit blue or down in the dumps I have a luxurious shower with amazing bath body wash and decadent lotions after the shower. Treat yourself. Pamper yourself. I saw that you got your hair done the other weekend a while back, go get your nails done too next time. Aromatherapy works wonders for me. I basically maxed out my credit card at Bath and Body Works cause their 3-wick candles are to die for! Or if you don't want to break the bank, I suggest some incense to lighten your mood. Deck yourself out with your beautiful cleansed body, light the incense or candle and listen to some soft music as you read all of the wonderful books that were suggested. And they don't even have to be books about relationships, maybe you can pull yourself out of that whole arena and read something incredibly silly! Like last night I watched the new Ghostbusters movie and it was so God Awful but you know what? It made me laugh and made me not think about the fact that I am a bipolar maniac with no job and no money and no future. You never know whose shoes you could be in, when you look at the big picture.

 

But gentle hugs to you as you find your way. I will be here, as I am sure your other friends will be soon as well. Be kind today, and find one thing, one thing no matter how small that you can concentrate on to get your head out of that hamster wheel. It will do you wonders!

 

It's going to be hard for me to quote much as I read, because I didn't bring my laptop, but I just wanted to say that I find this post to be so very soothing!! It's just so full of peace and calm and hopefulness. It made me feel relaxed. I love finding simple pleasure in some of the things you described, but I find it very hard to motivate myself to do these things when I'm feeling anxious and depressed. Ksol would probably agree when I say that it's sometimes hard to find joy in anything at all. Which is a shame, because we're missing out on all of life's little pleasures. Only recently have I been able to find moments when I can semi-enjoy things. I guess that's a start. I hope that ksol can find some of these moments as well, even if it's brief. Like cooking with your mom the other day, ksol. It didn't last long before you were sad again, but at least you got to experience some joy even if only for a short while.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I just now got a chance to start catching up, which I'll do after posting this but just wanted to say hi first. I had to rush around to get over to housesit, and then take care of things here, and then my new friend (guy friend's wife) messaged me and we had another long conversation. The whole time we we're talking, and really for about the past 5 or 6 hours, actually, my ex was online. I have no clue what he could be doing for that long of time. Especially after being on not at all for the past couple of days. I keep saying this, I know, but every time I see him on, I hope he's seeing me on too. But most likely he's looking for the new girl or something. He's trying to get someone's attention though for sure, no doubt, or talking to someone. He plays games too, whoever he's playing them with. Sigh.

 

I hope your day got better. Going to read and catch up now.

 

Hi lostlove. So glad that you were chatting with your new friend. I was wondering if you both spoke again. I think that is going to be a genuine and great friendship. You're just an awesome person anyway. I just really appreciate you and I know anyone who has you as a friend is so very lucky.

 

I thought that I would get to bed early but I forgot that I had to do a software upgrade at one of our locations, so I just got back from doing that. It's pretty cold out so I took another hot shower and now I'm snuggled in bed. I meant to say it's pretty cold outside for Florida. I know some of you in other states might laugh at me for calling Florida winter cold. I guess it's funny calling it winter period. My mood has been in the dumps all evening. I'm a little better now. I kept trying to self talk myself out of it, but that's hard to do as you know.

 

Speaking of Facebook. I didn't go on most of the day. I was just hurting so bad. I saw a little while ago he posted a video of him in his truck driving and I could see a bridge and water. I recognize the bridge in Tampa so that means he is out of town. I know I might sound crazy but I sensed that. He's doing work there but I still fear he's seeing someone. I also took a look at the married woman's page and I saw she posted a photos with her boyfriend. Ugh I don't even like talking about her. She has a husband and a boyfriend. I guess that would mean she hasn't been with him. In the video he was making a joke about the driver in front of him. Just the remarks alone made me sad. I miss him very much and all of that is just a reality that we are leading separate lives. I keep trying to find strength when I say he isn't going through what I'm going through. I feel like the only one who is suffering and that is most likely true. I better get with the program.

 

Has he been on continuously for the past 5-6 hours? Hmm that's strange. I really think they notice they can see others online who are not Facebook friends so he can see that you're on as well. It didn't take us long to figure that out. It's likely he's playing a game online.

 

I meant to ask you, does the guy friend and his wife know him? Or did they just hear about him from you?

[lostlove76]

I don't know what happened. I felt this overwhelming sadness coming on and I decided to go home. I fell flat face down today. It has been difficult, but I've just been managing and passing the days. I don't even know what triggered my feelings today. It just caught me by surprise.

 

I wake up each day telling myself that I am grateful for my life. I have such wonderful family. I am so fortunate. I have a secure job, I have a roof over my head, I haven't made irreversible mistakes that have impacted my life so severely. I still have a chance at love and happiness. What is there to worry about?

 

I can't handle this anxiety today. I literally have a pain in my chest. I dream of him almost every night, I saw him around my job those few days, I just can't get him out of my system. I just want to run away...somewhere far.

 

I need to get some lunch in my system. Be back to reply to the other posts in a few.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you were feeling so bad you had to go home, but glad that you were able to. Do you think that seeing him drive by those few days is triggering more anxiety in you than you would have if he wasn't doing that? I hadn't really considered it from that point of view, I guess because I was so focused on it being a good sign that he misses you. But now I can see why it might be causing some distress.

[lostlove76]

Hi lostlove. So glad that you were chatting with your new friend. I was wondering if you both spoke again. I think that is going to be a genuine and great friendship. You're just an awesome person anyway. I just really appreciate you and I know anyone who has you as a friend is so very lucky.

 

I thought that I would get to bed early but I forgot that I had to do a software upgrade at one of our locations, so I just got back from doing that. It's pretty cold out so I took another hot shower and now I'm snuggled in bed. I meant to say it's pretty cold outside for Florida. I know some of you in other states might laugh at me for calling Florida winter cold. I guess it's funny calling it winter period. My mood has been in the dumps all evening. I'm a little better now. I kept trying to self talk myself out of it, but that's hard to do as you know.

 

Speaking of Facebook. I didn't go on most of the day. I was just hurting so bad. I saw a little while ago he posted a video of him in his truck driving and I could see a bridge and water. I recognize the bridge in Tampa so that means he is out of town. I know I might sound crazy but I sensed that. He's doing work there but I still fear he's seeing someone. I also took a look at the married woman's page and I saw she posted a photos with her boyfriend. Ugh I don't even like talking about her. She has a husband and a boyfriend. I guess that would mean she hasn't been with him. In the video he was making a joke about the driver in front of him. Just the remarks alone made me sad. I miss him very much and all of that is just a reality that we are leading separate lives. I keep trying to find strength when I say he isn't going through what I'm going through. I feel like the only one who is suffering and that is most likely true. I better get with the program.

 

Has he been on continuously for the past 5-6 hours? Hmm that's strange. I really think they notice they can see others online who are not Facebook friends so he can see that you're on as well. It didn't take us long to figure that out. It's likely he's playing a game online.

 

I meant to ask you, does the guy friend and his wife know him? Or did they just hear about him from you?

 

Hi! I'm glad you're here and haven't gone to bed yet. I enjoyed my chat with my new friend, but really wanted to get over here and catch up and see how you're doing. I have a hard time exiting real-time conversations (as opposed to here, where we just post when we can) or I would have been here sooner. I just saw that you posted as I was catching up, so I thought I would reply to this one and then backtrack again. Thank you for your sweet words about me as a friend

 

So that is interesting that he posted a video and is in Tampa. Did he post the video friends-only? I know it feels like he's just living his life without a care, but just remember that Facebook is very deceiving. Aside from those types who like to whine and air all their drama all over their page, most people put on a happy front. Even me, like I've told you about - I probably seem pretty darn cheerful the majority of the time, and we both know that this is far from the case in real life. I don't do it on purpose. It's just easy to lol at something when you're not really laughing, or post a video because you're bored or maybe feeling lonely. So please keep that in mind when it seems like he's just fine and dandy. At least we can safely assume that he's not seeing the married woman! So trashy to have a husband AND a boyfriend, geez. And not to even keep it much of a secret. Let's just be glad that you and I are better than that. I know you feel like he might be seeing someone else, but if he is, it's shallow and random because it's barely been a month. We haven't seen any indications at all, though, that this is the case. I know it's hard, but try to imagine that no one will live up to you, even if he tries to date someone else. His choice in women - aside from you - is very low class. Seeing someone else will make him realize that the grass is very rarely greener. I hate to say it, because I am never okay with someone dating others, but I do believe that sometimes it takes trying out others to appreciate what one had and lost. You hear of men dating other women after a breakup and comparing every girl to their ex, and never getting over her because no one feels as right as she did. Try to take comfort in the fact that you're a good-hearted, intelligent, interesting, caring woman with solid values, and he will not easily find anything that compares. I don't really believe he's seeing anyone, but I know that it feels like a very real possibility to you and that's why I'm pointing this stuff out.

 

How often does he have to go out of town? Is it just random? Is it usually to Tampa?

 

Mine was on probably 90-95% of the time during that 5-6 hours, from what I saw. At times he would get off for a few minutes and then back on. So it wasn't just that he left himself logged in on the computer or something. I don't see why he would need to lurk on there for the new girl if they've been spending as much time together as I'm imagining, but who knows. I hope you're right that he's probably noticed he can see me on there. You're right that it didn't take you and I long to figure it out. We both seemed to have noticed it around the same time. When I said he was probably playing games, you realize I meant the type of game-playing we've been discussing right? As opposed to Candy Crush or something lol. He doesn't play those online games. Anyways, I don't know what he was doing but of course I'm curious. It doesn't feel anymore like he's talking to the ex. She liked and shared something I had shared earlier, btw. So I liked it when she reshared it. I guess there's no need for hard feelings on my end.

[lostlove76]

Lostlove, Hi dear *waves* Yes I posted some of the self-care strategies I use in my last post but it's no problem! You know it's hard to practice self-love, but you know something as simple as what the therapist mentioned before "positive self-talk" works wonders! My therapist says that when you feed the brain all this negativity, it just loops it back at you and then throws you down in the dumps. The brain only knows what we feed it, and if we feed it all sorts of negative talk and self blame, I mean where does that leave us? I mean that has been a great tool. The trick is to catch yourself when you are doing it. That is so hard to do though! Because it's like a tidal wave. One little thought, feeds another little thought, and then it becomes one BIG thought and round the hamster wheel we go again!

 

That's the best way I can explain it, hope it helps some! I have more to say but I will wait till Ksol comes back before I post more, I don't want to overwhelm you guys.

 

*Gentle hugs*

 

That does help, thank you!! I know ksol has been trying to work on interrupting her negative thoughts. I really need to do the same. When you lay it out like that, it's clear how important this is.

[lostlove76]

Unchained, I just wanted to say that you write beautifully. Your blog post is very inspiring. It sounds like you've been dealt a tough hand in many ways, but you're rising above it! I think that's wonderful. There were some things that jumped out at me, but like I said earlier, I don't have my laptop so it's tedious to grab quotes. I'll just say that your blog reminded me of one of my favorite songs, that I've listened to probably hundreds of times, and I still feel the depth of it every single time I hear it. It's beautiful. It makes me cry. It's by Alanis Morrissette, but is probably one of her lesser known songs unless you have the album.

 

 

[lostlove76]

Hi. I'm full of sadness and I keep crying. I can't make myslef stop. I don't even know what triggered it. I just keep thinking about how he said something about how he wished this never went anywhere and how I need to focus on my life because we both know the relationship wasn't going to work. Just everything harsh that was said is jabbing at me right now. I remember telling him I felt there was no connection between us and he responded saying you hit it on the head..there's no connection. I remember completely stonewalling him those last few days. I said those things out of pure anger and I didn't mean it. I'm taking everything he said as his true feelings. I just don't understand how he could give up on us. He didn't fight back..he lost his faith in me. I'm so stressed out. He gave up on me and threw it all away.

 

Freedom or no freedom, I don't even know if that even really plays a factor. He's older than me. He's been through so much more than me. He lost his family, divorced, and had to start all over. At this point in his life, he has to know what he wants and what he doesn't. I've always viewed him as someone who has lost any and everything that has ever meant anything to him. His mother died at the age of 12, father died before he could even remember, foster homes, divorce. He has lost it all and although he has worked his way through and now has a successful career, I don't see that anything else matters to him much. He had such high hopes and dreams for our relationship, but I don't think I ever felt secured. Who am I, what is our relationship compared to what he has already lost in his life? No one...nothing. Losing a girlfriend of 2 years is no comparison. He doesn't care if he let's everything go to waste.

 

You said he had a brief fling with a woman in the time you guys were apart those 6 weeks. He may have tried to rebound hoping to help him feel better, hoping to help him move on and it didn't work. I can't imagine that pain and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I think about this everyday. That would nearly kill me. I know no relationship is perfect and people survive all kinds of madness in their relationships.

 

I can't wrap my head around anything right now. I can't even believe I let myself lose control of myself like this. I'm stronger than this. Who would want a life void of anything meaningful? You're absolutely right about that, but maybe this is what he wants. Maybe he wants to be alone because that is what's safest to him. He doesn't want to be with me that's for sure. I just can't make sense of any of it. There is no telling with this silence. I don't have the slightest clue what he is thinking or feeling. All I take from it is that he is trying to move on with his life. I don't think this is a matter of pride, ego, fear or anything like that. This life I tell you.....

 

I'm so sorry you've been crying all day I remember those days right after my breakup, when you're just seeping in sadness nearly every second of the day, and I know it just feels awful. I wish I could say something to take all the pain away, but above all else, it just takes time. I know it doesn't feel like it at all, but one day this sadness will begin to lift.

 

Do try to remember that just as you didn't mean the harsh things you said, he likely didn't mean his either. I have said some horrible horrible things to people while angry, and it's always the people who mean the most to me. We don't say deeply hurtful things to strangers, or go cold on someone who doesn't matter to us. We always hurt the ones we love, as the saying goes. Some of what he said might have very well been in retaliation to what you were saying, and vice versa I am sure. Tempers flare and things get said that aren't meant. Just try to keep it in perspective and take what he said with a grain of salt. I know it's hard. I know that it hurt.

 

I know you feel that you are not as important as the other things he's lost in life, but that is just not true. It's the silence that is making you feel all these ways, plain and simple. You have no idea what's in his mind right now, so you're filling in the blanks in the most negative way possible. I do it too. I do the exact same thing you're doing, and have been saying all the same things for months. We are hurting ourselves with these thoughts, and they're likely not as accurate as we believe them to be.

 

It looks like you've probably gone to bed, so I'll let this be it for the night and we'll chat again tomorrow. I don't have to go to work, so I'll be here. I hope tomorrow brings you less tears than today did. Sending you good thoughts and many hugs

[lostlove76]

Good morning. How did you sleep, ksol? I'm up early to take care of the animals, but I'm going to have to go home and try to get some more sleep. I got about two hours because the puppy kept barking, and I forgot my Benadryl. Just couldn't sleep. I'm so irritable!

 

I noticed he got on again for a few minutes in the middle of the night, coinciding with when the bars close, at the same time he used to always call me. So he must have been alone, but that doesn't mean he isn't seeing her. So weird that he was on so much yesterday. I shouldn't even be trying to figure out why, but I can't help but be curious.

 

I hope you're feeling better today, ksol.

[UnchainedSoul]

Unchained, I just wanted to say that you write beautifully. Your blog post is very inspiring. It sounds like you've been dealt a tough hand in many ways, but you're rising above it! I think that's wonderful. There were some things that jumped out at me, but like I said earlier, I don't have my laptop so it's tedious to grab quotes. I'll just say that your blog reminded me of one of my favorite songs, that I've listened to probably hundreds of times, and I still feel the depth of it every single time I hear it. It's beautiful. It makes me cry. It's by Alanis Morrissette, but is probably one of her lesser known songs unless you have the album.

 

]

 

I just wanted to say thank you for this! Sometimes I think it was just meant to happen this way or there is nothing in my power to control it. I really feel bad that you guys are suffering so much, especially Ksol. All it takes to find a little joy is something small to get it outside of your head. But thank you for saying those wonderful words. They really do mean a lot!

 

 

 

Hi. I'm full of sadness and I keep crying. I can't make myslef stop. I don't even know what triggered it. I just keep thinking about how he said something about how he wished this never went anywhere and how I need to focus on my life because we both know the relationship wasn't going to work. Just everything harsh that was said is jabbing at me right now. I remember telling him I felt there was no connection between us and he responded saying you hit it on the head..there's no connection. I remember completely stonewalling him those last few days. I said those things out of pure anger and I didn't mean it. I'm taking everything he said as his true feelings. I just don't understand how he could give up on us. He didn't fight back..he lost his faith in me. I'm so stressed out. He gave up on me and threw it all away.

 

Freedom or no freedom, I don't even know if that even really plays a factor. He's older than me. He's been through so much more than me. He lost his family, divorced, and had to start all over. At this point in his life, he has to know what he wants and what he doesn't. I've always viewed him as someone who has lost any and everything that has ever meant anything to him. His mother died at the age of 12, father died before he could even remember, foster homes, divorce. He has lost it all and although he has worked his way through and now has a successful career, I don't see that anything else matters to him much. He had such high hopes and dreams for our relationship, but I don't think I ever felt secured. Who am I, what is our relationship compared to what he has already lost in his life? No one...nothing. Losing a girlfriend of 2 years is no comparison. He doesn't care if he let's everything go to waste.

 

You said he had a brief fling with a woman in the time you guys were apart those 6 weeks. He may have tried to rebound hoping to help him feel better, hoping to help him move on and it didn't work. I can't imagine that pain and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I think about this everyday. That would nearly kill me. I know no relationship is perfect and people survive all kinds of madness in their relationships.

 

I can't wrap my head around anything right now. I can't even believe I let myself lose control of myself like this. I'm stronger than this. Who would want a life void of anything meaningful? You're absolutely right about that, but maybe this is what he wants. Maybe he wants to be alone because that is what's safest to him. He doesn't want to be with me that's for sure. I just can't make sense of any of it. There is no telling with this silence. I don't have the slightest clue what he is thinking or feeling. All I take from it is that he is trying to move on with his life. I don't think this is a matter of pride, ego, fear or anything like that. This life I tell you.....

 

I really don't want to overwhelm you when you are trying to respond to all of this, but I just wanted to leave you with something to consider. The amount of pain you are feeling is just a passing thing. I mean you are just killing yourself thinking about what he "might be feeling" and I can't tell you enough how damaging that is to you. Since everyone here recommended a book I will do the same. It's called "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. I will even include an excerpt from the book in this post so you can read. Feel better soon. *Gentle hugs*

 

Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. Its just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.

 

When we think that something is going to bring us pleasure, we don’t know what’s really going to happen. When we think something is going to give us misery, we don’t know. Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. We try to do what we think is going to help. But we don’t know. We never know if we’re going to fall flat or sit up tall. When there’s disappointment, we don’t know if that’s the end of the story. It may be just the beginning of a great adventure….

 

When things fall apart and we’re on the verge of we know not what, the test for each of us is to stay on that brink and not concretize. The spiritual journey is not about heaven and finally getting to a place that’s really swell. In fact, that way of looking at things is what keeps us miserable. Thinking that we can find some lasting pleasure and avoid pain is what in Buddhism is called samsara, a hopeless cycle that goes round and round endlessly and causes us to suffer greatly. The very first noble truth of Buddha points out that suffering is inevitable for human beings as long as we believe that things last – that they don’t disintegrate, that they can be counted on to satisfy our hunger for security. From this point of view, the only time we ever know what’s really going on is when the rug’s been pulled out and we can’t find anywhere to land. We use these situations either to wake ourselves up or to put ourselves to sleep. Right now – in the very instant of groundlessness – is the seed of taking care of those who need our care of discovering our goodness…

Life is a good teacher and a good friend. Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it. Nothing ever sums itself up in the way that we like to dream about. The off-centre, in-between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don’t get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit. It’s a very tender, nonaggressive, open-ended state of affairs.

 

To stay with that shakiness – to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge – that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic – that is the spiritual path. Getting the knack of catching ourselves, of gentling and compassionately catching ourselves, is the path of the warrior…”

 

You are a warrior, remember that. No matter what happens you are strong. I have no words of wisdom left in my body to give. All I can give is what I have learned. So I will leave you with tools each day to help combat what you are feeling, because it's a war you're fighting. An emotional war with yourself, over a man who didn't fight for you. That is devastating and you have to pick up whatever pieces you can find and mend your heart. I do hope you find peace my friend. I really hope you do.

[lostlove76]

it's a war you're fighting. An emotional war with yourself, over a man who didn't fight for you.

 

Well-said, and so very true

 

Ksol, I don't mean to overwhelm you either. I always seem to catch up with things all in one batch, and then I end up writing a million paragraphs. I'm sorry!

[Ksol9]

Good morning,

 

Unchained, just as lostlove said, you are such an inspiration. I haven't been able to write much in response to you because I've been feeling pretty low, but your posts have not gone unnoticed. You have been uplifting me these past couple days. To wake up to this was something..just something special. I will write more later after my therapy appointment. Just wanted to say thank you.

 

Lostlove, sorry you didn't get enough sleep. I didn't sleep much either. Hopefully once you get home you can get some more sleep. You will feel better then. I say this all the time, lack of sleep will make the weight of this so much more. Also, you said you saw that he was online around the time he normally heads home. He was probably alone. Maybe he isn't seeing anyone in particular right now. I'm alone and I'm not looking for a relationship, I could spend hours browsing Facebook just to pass time if i didn't have any other way to utilize my time. There hasn't been any indication of a relationship, a serious relationship, so if there is anyone in the picture, it's of no significance right now...just like you tell me all the time.

 

I have so many emotions today. I don't want to go to my therapy appointment but I know I should. Hoping it will bring me some clarity today. I'll be back later to write more.

 

Have a great day!

[lostlove76]

Good morning,

 

Unchained, just as lostlove said, you are such an inspiration. I haven't been able to write much in response to you because I've been feeling pretty low, but your posts have not gone unnoticed. You have been uplifting me these past couple days. To wake up to this was something..just something special. I will write more later after my therapy appointment. Just wanted to say thank you.

 

Lostlove, sorry you didn't get enough sleep. I didn't sleep much either. Hopefully once you get home you can get some more sleep. You will feel better then. I say this all the time, lack of sleep will make the weight of this so much more. Also, you said you saw that he was online around the time he normally heads home. He was probably alone. Maybe he isn't seeing anyone in particular right now. I'm alone and I'm not looking for a relationship, I could spend hours browsing Facebook just to pass time if i didn't have any other way to utilize my time. There hasn't been any indication of a relationship, a serious relationship, so if there is anyone in the picture, it's of no significance right now...just like you tell me all the time.

 

I have so many emotions today. I don't want to go to my therapy appointment but I know I should. Hoping it will bring me some clarity today. I'll be back later to write more.

 

Have a great day!

 

He's been on a bunch this morning, too, but I have no idea if that's typical because I'm usually asleep. I've seen him on around this time before, though, when I've woken up for a minute and hopped on facebook. So I guess it's of no significance. It was unusual for him to get on late last night, though, I do know that.

 

I'm sorry you didn't get much sleep either. It's rough that it's the hardest to sleep when you need it the most. I hope your therapy appointment goes well. I'll be around all day if you want to chat.

[UnchainedSoul]

He's been on a bunch this morning, too, but I have no idea if that's typical because I'm usually asleep. I've seen him on around this time before, though, when I've woken up for a minute and hopped on facebook. So I guess it's of no significance. It was unusual for him to get on late last night, though, I do know that.

 

I'm sorry you didn't get much sleep either. It's rough that it's the hardest to sleep when you need it the most. I hope your therapy appointment goes well. I'll be around all day if you want to chat.

 

You're still tracking him on Facebook huh? My poor dear. I don't know why you torture yourself like this. All this second guessing is just hurting you, I wish one day, you will see it. I wish nothing but the best for you in your anguish and despair. It's almost like you're holding onto a dream. I remember what that was like too. "The dream of a man" rather than the man.

 

Good morning,

 

Unchained, just as lostlove said, you are such an inspiration. I haven't been able to write much in response to you because I've been feeling pretty low, but your posts have not gone unnoticed. You have been uplifting me these past couple days. To wake up to this was something..just something special. I will write more later after my therapy appointment. Just wanted to say thank you.

 

I have so many emotions today. I don't want to go to my therapy appointment but I know I should. Hoping it will bring me some clarity today. I'll be back later to write more.

 

Have a great day!

 

Hey there Ksol, I know you are reading what I am saying. Whether or not you respond or not is irrelevant, because it's here on the thread for you to reflect on whenever you are ready. I do hope you go to your therapy appointment and it goes well. Having someone professional to confide in has been one of the most helpful things in my life. Letting go is so unbelievably hard. I think you're in shock still. In awe of what happened. And now you processed it. For both you and Lostlove seeing them on Facebook is like the ultimate stab in the heart. I mean you have the "idea" of both those guys lingering on your mind. Someone else mentioned it on the thread it's like not really NC. I mean you may not be speaking to them but they ARE still there. Unless you both let go, you will never find peace. It's so hard I know. All I can offer is support to you both and share little bits of my life through little quotes and sayings to help bring you out of that.

 

Here is something I wrote a long time ago when someone left me. It mirrors a lot of what the two of you are feeling, but even in the deepest despair I found hope and you can too.

 

I have been down this road. I know it well. I write into my bones from the deepest fathom of my being. Remorse, self-hate. It happened again. Familiar. This is where i am. I am lost, breaking, broken. Cut me deep like that knife I want to press down. Speaking in rhyme and rhythm my words are shattering like the demon that Haunts me. My mind, a jumble of mixed arrays.

 

My heart breaking again. Not again.

 

I watch wait and wonder. I break and shatter like the broken glass under my feet. I am nothing. No one. Ever. The truest love the deepest love has eluded me. A love that time and the heavens will lie down and be still for. Transcend the universe and rock the foundation of my very being and my essence. He waits. He’s there. I see him clearly. Yet not there. Not clearly. Alone.

 

Aloneless,Lonely and lonesome usually connote painful awareness of being alone but not necessarily a negative thing. I watch I wait. My heart breaks, with each day passing. Breaking more and more as it becomes more concrete and the sand hardens around my feet. You know this. You know everything. Take a sip. Drown. The tears are coming I feel them. I am so broken without hope and anything to hold onto. Get through a day. I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t get through today. NO NO NO NO. Stop please. Just stop. Why won’t my heart stop. Just please stop beating.

 

Nothingness. Absolute chaos absolutely. Definite sadness definitely.

 

Drown deeper and deeper. Watch the rabbit hole. Alice survived the fall, but I won’t. You have to want to live. You have to want to take a breath. Shortness of breath. Breathe. And not breathe. Here I am again, deep in heartbreak. The hallows of the cave where I was resurrected, seems darker still. Is there no light. Let me see. I want to see but I am blind. I watch, I wait, I listen.

 

I Drown.

 

But where the shadows fall I am awoken. i will not be broken and I will not let it break me. I am a strong woman goddamn it. No man can take my power. i will not let him take my power. I refuse to. In the darkness the light will come. I will not sit here alone. A woman is never alone when she has friends. A woman is never alone who has a family. Lean on them. Yes I will. I will get up out of this bed, and clean my tear-stained pillow. You are not worth my tears, because you broke my heart. You didn't want me, and to be unwanted when I desperately want you is the shameless Hell I am wandering in. Why want a man that doesn't want me? I will NOT chase you anymore. The sadness will NOT break me.

 

Dwell in heartbreak, I will dwell no more.

[Ksol9]

Hi. Everything went well in therapy. Afterward, I met my mom for lunch. I just got in a little while ago. I spoke to him about how I've been feeling and he pretty much reinforced what we have been talking about here about self care, so even if I don't want to take my dog for a walk...make myself. He validated everything that I am currently doing and said that I am on the right track so I'm grateful I was able to get a little bit of clarity from my visit today. I do feel like I am on the right path, but it is just putting all these things into motion.

 

I'm a little sleepy, so please forgive me if my thoughts sound like they are all over the place.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you were feeling so bad you had to go home, but glad that you were able to. Do you think that seeing him drive by those few days is triggering more anxiety in you than you would have if he wasn't doing that? I hadn't really considered it from that point of view, I guess because I was so focused on it being a good sign that he misses you. But now I can see why it might be causing some distress.

 

I don't think seeing him drive by intensified the anxiety. I think I've been doing a good job of reminding myself that I don't know for sure if he intentionally wanted me to see him. I think the sadness comes in waves. I was actually talking about this with my therapist today. He said just like I have been thinking about him alot, he must alot think about me. This is normal, but nothing is being resolved. We are both choosing to leave the situation like it is right now, so the best I can do is work on myself. He said something else about thinking about them and that also attracts it into your life. If I remember exactly what he said, I'll write, but right now my thoughts are a bit foggy.

 

So that is interesting that he posted a video and is in Tampa. Did he post the video friends-only? I know it feels like he's just living his life without a care, but just remember that Facebook is very deceiving. Aside from those types who like to whine and air all their drama all over their page, most people put on a happy front. Even me, like I've told you about - I probably seem pretty darn cheerful the majority of the time, and we both know that this is far from the case in real life. I don't do it on purpose. It's just easy to lol at something when you're not really laughing, or post a video because you're bored or maybe feeling lonely. So please keep that in mind when it seems like he's just fine and dandy. At least we can safely assume that he's not seeing the married woman! So trashy to have a husband AND a boyfriend, geez. And not to even keep it much of a secret. Let's just be glad that you and I are better than that. I know you feel like he might be seeing someone else, but if he is, it's shallow and random because it's barely been a month. We haven't seen any indications at all, though, that this is the case. I know it's hard, but try to imagine that no one will live up to you, even if he tries to date someone else. His choice in women - aside from you - is very low class. Seeing someone else will make him realize that the grass is very rarely greener. I hate to say it, because I am never okay with someone dating others, but I do believe that sometimes it takes trying out others to appreciate what one had and lost. You hear of men dating other women after a breakup and comparing every girl to their ex, and never getting over her because no one feels as right as she did. Try to take comfort in the fact that you're a good-hearted, intelligent, interesting, caring woman with solid values, and he will not easily find anything that compares. I don't really believe he's seeing anyone, but I know that it feels like a very real possibility to you and that's why I'm pointing this stuff out.

 

How often does he have to go out of town? Is it just random? Is it usually to Tampa?

 

Yes, the video was made viewable to friends only. We were discussing this in therapy as well. He said exactly what you stated. There are those who express what they are going through on facebook and those who don;t. He doesn't post things about his feelings much less his personal life. He hasn't been posting much in the past month, but from what he has posted, it appears that he is just living his life. I know you are right and thank you for everything you said here. I need to keep these things in mind.

The company he works for is based out of tampa, so when things are slow here in our town, he will go to tampa to help. Now that the kids and I are gone, I am assuming he is gone pretty often. He was out of town yesterday and may still be out of town and will return today or tomorrow. He doesn't stay any longer than 2 days because he has to get back to oversee the project here. The married woman just disgusts me and if he is seeing someone else, there is no way to really know because he isn't posting anything about it. My therapists says its all pretty normal to worry about what he is doing and who he is with. The problem in that is just like other negative thoughts...keeping them at bay is the major problem. It's a horrible feeling knowing that I may never hear from him again and I think all the signs are there. He works frequently out of town and he just doesn't want to have to deal with any of this. I feel like I never mattered to him and if I was of some importance, he wouldn't have walked away so easily.

 

My mind is just such a mess. I don't have peace of mind and I need to find a way to bring some peace into my life. Maybe I need a break. My sister's baby shower is on the 11th. That is another thing that is bothering me. I have to get everything organized, tons of family will be there, and he won't be there. I'll have a lot of explaining to do when everyone is asking for him. He's just missing out on so much that is going on. Everyone is happy, everyone is moving on with their lives, and here I am struggling with this.

 

Mine was on probably 90-95% of the time during that 5-6 hours, from what I saw. At times he would get off for a few minutes and then back on. So it wasn't just that he left himself logged in on the computer or something. I don't see why he would need to lurk on there for the new girl if they've been spending as much time together as I'm imagining, but who knows. I hope you're right that he's probably noticed he can see me on there. You're right that it didn't take you and I long to figure it out. We both seemed to have noticed it around the same time. When I said he was probably playing games, you realize I meant the type of game-playing we've been discussing right? As opposed to Candy Crush or something lol. He doesn't play those online games. Anyways, I don't know what he was doing but of course I'm curious. It doesn't feel anymore like he's talking to the ex. She liked and shared something I had shared earlier, btw. So I liked it when she reshared it. I guess there's no need for hard feelings on my end.

 

That makes alot of sesnse, he wouldn't be lurking after a woman who he spends time with. I really believe he is just alone and is bored. Maybe that is why you've been seeing him online at all sorts of weird hours and for long periods of time. I do think he has noticed you can see the messenger thing that we have noticed. Especially if he spends so much time on there.

 

I'm going to post this and then respond to another post.

[Ksol9]

I'm so sorry you've been crying all day I remember those days right after my breakup, when you're just seeping in sadness nearly every second of the day, and I know it just feels awful. I wish I could say something to take all the pain away, but above all else, it just takes time. I know it doesn't feel like it at all, but one day this sadness will begin to lift.

 

Do try to remember that just as you didn't mean the harsh things you said, he likely didn't mean his either. I have said some horrible horrible things to people while angry, and it's always the people who mean the most to me. We don't say deeply hurtful things to strangers, or go cold on someone who doesn't matter to us. We always hurt the ones we love, as the saying goes. Some of what he said might have very well been in retaliation to what you were saying, and vice versa I am sure. Tempers flare and things get said that aren't meant. Just try to keep it in perspective and take what he said with a grain of salt. I know it's hard. I know that it hurt.

 

I know you feel that you are not as important as the other things he's lost in life, but that is just not true. It's the silence that is making you feel all these ways, plain and simple. You have no idea what's in his mind right now, so you're filling in the blanks in the most negative way possible. I do it too. I do the exact same thing you're doing, and have been saying all the same things for months. We are hurting ourselves with these thoughts, and they're likely not as accurate as we believe them to be.

 

It looks like you've probably gone to bed, so I'll let this be it for the night and we'll chat again tomorrow. I don't have to go to work, so I'll be here. I hope tomorrow brings you less tears than today did. Sending you good thoughts and many hugs

 

The silence is the worst thing about it all. I don't know what he is feeling and all those harsh comments are what I am left with. I don't see they were said in anger..I'm seeing it as reality. He was just so cold and as you said, I'm sure he got a point where he felt he couldn't take the things I was saying and how I was behaving. As I'm typing, I see how that could have ignited alot of anger in anyone. I actually don't blame him for wanting out. I probably would have a made a huge finale of the situation if I were in his shoes and then after cooling off, I probably would have second guessed my decision. I also would probably hope that he would try to make things right. I don't know either way. The situation feels helpless and I am just moving on with my life without wanting to. I am going to do all the necessary things I have to do to get myself out of this mess, but it just hurts so much.

[Ksol9]

Having someone professional to confide in has been one of the most helpful things in my life. Letting go is so unbelievably hard. I think you're in shock still. In awe of what happened. And now you processed it. For both you and Lostlove seeing them on Facebook is like the ultimate stab in the heart. I mean you have the "idea" of both those guys lingering on your mind. Someone else mentioned it on the thread it's like not really NC. I mean you may not be speaking to them but they ARE still there. Unless you both let go, you will never find peace. It's so hard I know. All I can offer is support to you both and share little bits of my life through little quotes and sayings to help bring you out of that.

 

Therapy is going to change my life. This therapist is going to change my life. How do I know this? Because this is the closest I have ever gotten to connecting all the dots. This is the first time I am able to make some sense of everything that has gone on in my life regarding relationships. I am very certain of the reasons why this relationship failed numerous times. I couldn't make sense of it before. Everything truly happens for a reason. I went in for help for our relationship and ended up with more than I expected. I know I have to do this for myself because if I don't I will never get out of this cycle I've been living in. It's not being selfish, but it's time I start living for me. It's a shame I lost him along the way, but I understand this was meant to happen like this.

 

And my therapist said something today that you made me remember. When you find peace, you will find clarity.

[UnchainedSoul]

Therapy is going to change my life. This therapist is going to change my life. How do I know this? Because this is the closest I have ever gotten to connecting all the dots. This is the first time I am able to make some sense of everything that has gone on in my life regarding relationships. I am very certain of the reasons why this relationship failed numerous times. I couldn't make sense of it before. Everything truly happens for a reason. I went in for help for our relationship and ended up with more than I expected. I know I have to do this for myself because if I don't I will never get out of this cycle I've been living in. It's not being selfish, but it's time I start living for me. It's a shame I lost him along the way, but I understand this was meant to happen like this.

 

And my therapist said something today that you made me remember. When you find peace, you will find clarity.

 

Excellent! Oh it brings tears to my eyes to hear you say that. You know, without my therapist I would be lost. These people are trained, they know what they are doing, and it sounds like you have an amazing therapist. I have also noticed a pattern in your writing (if I am allowed to say that), that when you DO see you therapist, things become clearer. These will be a hard couple of weeks coming up because you said with the baby shower coming up, you will have to do a lot of explaining. That's okay because you know believe it or not, by then you will be stronger. I do truly hope you have some wisdom and some tools now to help you through this. I will say that you do indeed sound stronger and wiser already.

 

Look we all have hang-ups, defects, issues with co-dependency. I think we just rely on men so heavily because we are women, and it's just what we do. I mean men need us too, but not to the degree that we need them. What your therapist said are great points. Maybe he is hurting but he isn't showing it, but you can't spend your life waiting for him to come around. His pride will stop that anyway.

 

When you find peace, you find clarity! I am so glad my words were with you today. It's the least that I could do.

 

Congratulations on the beginning to a newer, healthier and more peaceful you!

[Ksol9]

I wanted to share something that I spoke quite a bit about during therapy. My therapist validated that I was right in my thinking. He kept saying that I know what the right thing to do and that I answered my own question as I was explaining everything to him.

 

I am not sure if I've mentioned this here before on the board, but I have an ex boyfriend who has been in my life ever since I was hmm...maybe 18. After our relationship ended, we remained very close friends. He continued to be one of my closest confidants through every relationship I've had after him. He is my emotional crutch. Even throughout this last relationship, my guy never knew I would talk to him. I felt tremendous guilt over this. Almost like I was cheating or being deceitful. Here I was being jealous and insecure when I had a close male friend who I confided in him my deepest relationship troubles. I would not have been ok if the situation was reversed. It just always made me feel horrible. I'm sure there will be an array of opinions about this.

 

Anyhow, I recently felt deep down inside that this friendship is not healthy for me at all. I pretty depend on him emotionally. It is ok to have him as a friend, but I should be able to depend on myself first. I can't do that with him being so emotionally invested. It's just not right and I have been trying to distance myself from him. We haven't spoken in a few days other than a couple "how are you..just checking on you" text messages. I'm sure he will respect my need to do this on my own. I want to have a healthy relationship and I can't have that unless I am healthy. I don't have to never speak to him ever again, but I do need to filter the type of conversation I have with him. That's all. My therapist fully agreed.

 

The therapist made me laugh because he asked me to sit still, that he would be right back. He walked back in the room with a plastic storage container and he said, this box contains all of my ex's..they're just friends to me now but imagine me walking up to someone I want to date seriously with this container of exs in tow? I understood right there and then where I went wrong. I was dishonest for one, because I hid it from him for 2 years, and second of all..I have no right dragging my ex along like this. Regardless that we are just friends...it's not fair to anyone involved. I also believe that relationship is another reason my friend hasn't been able to really move on with his life. All these years and he hasn't had another serious relationship. We have a very light and open friendship, but he will often tell me I was the only love of his life. It was only recently that I sat down and thought that he may be unhappy and I think our friendship is contributing to that. I need to move forward in my life and so does he.

 

Im typing, but I'm also processing everything that was spoken about during therapy.

 

I get so much out of every time I go to therapy. Just even this decision about this friendship, I think will have a huge impact...a good impact. I have a lot of work to do on myself and I know I'm making all the right steps to living my life the way I want to live, the way that it will bring me happiness. I just want to be a good person and do the right thing.

[Ksol9]

Excellent! Oh it brings tears to my eyes to hear you say that. You know, without my therapist I would be lost. These people are trained, they know what they are doing, and it sounds like you have an amazing therapist. I have also noticed a pattern in your writing (if I am allowed to say that), that when you DO see you therapist, things become clearer. These will be a hard couple of weeks coming up because you said with the baby shower coming up, you will have to do a lot of explaining. That's okay because you know believe it or not, by then you will be stronger. I do truly hope you have some wisdom and some tools now to help you through this. I will say that you do indeed sound stronger and wiser already.

 

Look we all have hang-ups, defects, issues with co-dependency. I think we just rely on men so heavily because we are women, and it's just what we do. I mean men need us too, but not to the degree that we need them. What your therapist said are great points. Maybe he is hurting but he isn't showing it, but you can't spend your life waiting for him to come around. His pride will stop that anyway.

 

When you find peace, you find clarity! I am so glad my words were with you today. It's the least that I could do.

 

Congratulations on the beginning to a newer, healthier and more peaceful you!

 

 

Yes, yes, and yes. Everything you said is spot on, but I bolded the parts that stood out the most. I definitely walk out of his office with a sense of direction. It's just getting through the week that is challenging. I have strong moments and some very weak. I think I have things in order in my mind, but my heart still hurts very much for him. I miss him so very much. I miss the children. I just feel like someone just robbed me everything. I keep reminding myself that they are not my children and they don't need me. They need their mother and father....they're going to be ok. As for him, you're absolutely right that we as women depend on men to a certain extent. I need to find balance in that because not a single man will bring me happiness. There's a whole other half to that. Yes, he may think of me, but he isn't showing it at all. He is trying to move on with his life, as he should be, we both should. I do believe his pride is and will be the reason things stay the way they are now.

 

This is a process and I feel myself inching in the right direction. It's hard, it really is.