Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[lostlove76]

Hi again ksol. I don't really have anything new to say, but just wanted to say that I hope you're having a restful night and that you feel okay in the morning. I don't have to work tomorrow, so I'll be here (will probably sleep late though) if you need to chat. Talk soon, goodnight.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove, I just woke up and now I can't fall back asleep. I'll respond in detail to your posts later. I just wanted to say hi and I hope you're doing well.

 

I was a little quiet tonight because I guess I was just processing what happened when I saw him. I think as some time went by and I was able to think a bit more clearly, I am agreeing with you. I realize he could have gone elsewhere or at a later time. I also saw he posted a selfie on Instagram in the evening. His Insta account is public. He doesn't seem to use it much. Added a couple women about 2 weeks ago. Then he adds a selfie last night. He had a fresh haircut and I could see the photo looks like it was taken at the new clubhouse in his community. Of course I spent the rest of the evening thinking he got a fresh haircut and is on a date, but he could easily be with his boss or alone. I think I just wanted to spend the evening calming my thoughts and anxiety.

 

It's Friday again and the weekends have become the worst to deal with. I'm going to stay in this weekend. I don't have any plans. It just occurred to me how crazy this situation is. If he is actually repeating the same behaviors as he did both times we split, this Is just madness now. Why would anyone want to go through this? After going through it a couple of times, wouldn't you do everything possible to make sure it didn't happen again? Maybe it's not as torturous to him? Maybe he enjoys the on and off? I guess he could say the same for me as I didn't do anything differently to make sure this didn't happen again. Furthermore, why the poking? I don't know if it's poking around or just coincidence, but it feels like craziness. Ah, I better just leave it right there. It doesn't matter either way. Nothing is being resolved and my healing and moving forward is of most importance. I've been asked this by you and others, do I want to live in this cycle or do I want to go through this again and again?? Absolutely not! I better try to fall back asleep.

 

Do you have any plans for the weekend?

[Ms Darcy]

This site preaches NC because it is one of our most powerful tools to HELP in healing. It's hard work. It takes discipline and support.

 

Notice that almost every outside observer is suggesting cutting off the social media stalking of the ex. Cutting out the stalking is really about no contact. Stalking on social media is a way to keep some sort of connection that is helping you both stay stuck.

 

To be honest, I think YOU need to be honest with yourselves. There is no CAN'T in this situation. There is only WON'T. You most certainly can block him on social media. But you won't because the payoff is greater than the pain. The payoff is at least staying connected to him, satisfying your curiosity, and letting yourself speculate - at the very least.

 

SOME of the pain you are in is of your own making. So, when you say you don't deserve this pain, it's a little bit disingenuous. It's like a lactose intolerant person eating ice cream and then saying "I don't deserve to feel nauseated." Well, that's what happens when you eat what you are not supposed to. But what's more honest is that person saying, "You know, the pain I feel after I eat ice cream is worth it because it is so pleasurable when I eat it. I know it's better for me to cut down on it, so I will cut back from 2 bowls of ice cream a day to 2 per week and so on until I can stop eating it."

[Ksol9]

So for you to see your guy driving by work, and now this, I really think it's on purpose. And who knows how many times he drove by that you didn't see him doing it.

 

Saw him drive by again this morning again. To be honest, since this happened 3 weeks ago, I've been trying to stay out of sight. I kept my eyes off the road. I just didn't want to see him. He may have been doing this all along and I just never noticed. After seeing him the first time and then yesterday, I'm a little more observant. I was about to head into work and I saw him drive by with his windows down. I quickly looked away. He may be starting to show signs of what he was doing last time, but I still feel he isn't going to say anything to me. I don't believe it's an indication that he wants to talk. He may just be curious as to why I haven't said anything to him. It may be nothing at all...boredom, who knows. You made a good point, I knew we weren't on the best of terms, I have stayed away from places I know he frequents. I just didn't want to see him and I thought he was doing the same until now..I'm starting to notice him doing these drive bys and the car wash was especially strange. Really makes me feel like he could care less about me.

 

I still think you will hear from him at some point, just like the last times. I think this is playing out exactly like before, on both sides (yours and his). He's not doing as many things like posting on facebook, but like we've talked about, he knows how obvious that would seem and maybe it just feels silly to him to do it, knowing that you know why he's done it in the past. And he also knows that it did him no good before, because it didn't get you to make contact, so it's kind of a waste of time.

 

I know you've said this a few times, but I still see it as an impossible. He's stubborn, prideful, and all the things I've mentioned here before. It will take a lot for him to contact me. He doesn't dwell on things. I think he made a decision and he's sticking to it.

 

Thank you for all of this, ksol. You always help calm me, and I appreciate it so much. Linking them directly was the smiley comment on her cover photo four minutes after she posted it, the heart like on her profile photo from earlier this month, and his mom being her friend and liking both of these photos. You could be right and maybe they're not as romantically involved as I'm imagining. Maybe his parents went down for a visit and just happened to meet her randomly, not in a girlfriend-to-my-ex situation, and she and his mom connected and they added each other. Maybe he was just being nice when he hearted her profile pic. Maybe he just liked the pretty cover photo when he saw it. I don't really believe all of this but as you're saying, it is possible. He was with the grandma for a month or two, and she even posted pictures of them with their heads leaning in together. And then all her family and friends were commenting about her new guy, and she just let it go on. They were "together," but it certainly didn't last. She was just a time-passer for him. I just fear this one is different.

 

I feel like if he didn't have all these different options, and all these girls available to hop from one to another, he may have called me at some point. But as it is, his options are endless. He doesn't really have any certain set of standards - all these women are complete opposites of each other. Anyone will do. When someone has endless options, what do they need me for? Apparently our connection was not as important or special to him as it was to me. He can find it with anyone. He's a womanizer, just like he told me that one time at the end. One of these women is bound to stick at some point, though. He'll get tired of jumping from one to another. This new one could be the right girl in the right place at the right time.

 

It's only normal to feel like he will magically get it right with someone else and has forgotten all about you. Especially when you haven't heard from him in so long. It's been 3 weeks for me and I feel the same. I don't think he's romantically linked to this new woman, until you report something different. I know how it feels to come up with a conclusion and be so sure about it. We are so much alike that I think I would be thinking and doing the same as you. I would never contact him knowing he has been in these relationships. It's clear that he has to be the one to find his way back. Don't ever undermine the love you all shared. We don't know that he has found that again or that he is this way with all the women he was involved with. Have confidence in the love you shared with him. I still believe there is a reason for everything. This happened for a reason. I've been learning recently that my perception of happiness and love has been so off. All this time, I thought you find someone and that person will give you love and happiness. While that is true, it's partly true. True love and happiness comes from within first. I may spend the rest of my searching for it within myself. Sometimes I wonder if that's the reason why I haven't been able to accomplish a healthy relationship. My guy has definitely taught more than he will ever know. It is the demise of that relationship, not once, but 3 times that has sent me soul searching...for who I am. I think if you continuously search for meaning to your life and happiness from within, then all this heartache, the Facebook monitoring, the waiting, the hoping, is not for nothing. It was apart of the process. If you can say you learned and you are still learning from him, then you didn't fail. Not in my opinion. I still say, no one knows if you will ever cross paths again. People are known to find their way back to eachother after long periods of time. Only you know what's in your heart.

 

I hope my words are not all over the place and I hope I you understand what I am trying to convey.

 

But there I go letting my mind get carried away again. Your example with the Tampa photos is a good one. I think it's good when we have examples we can look back at and say, "See, the story we created was not true, so maybe this one isn't either." I was so worried about him and his ex talking. SO sure that they were talking 24/7 and getting really close again. Now, it doesn't feel like they're talking at all. But one of these days, my story is going to turn out to be true, I fear.

 

I actually caught myself when I writing about the Tampa incident. It's a perfect example of how my mind comes up with all kinds of scenarios. Once you are aware you do these things, you will eventually interrupt your thoughts. I seem to do it naturally lately. It's not even dependent on what I see, sometimes I just come up with something in my mind and I believe that is what's going on. Desperately need to learn to live in the now. Right here, right now.

 

I hate the weekends now that he is gone.

 

I saw something somewhere online that really resonated with me. "Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."

 

How beautiful that quote is. It's all I'm holding onto right now. I want more than anything for him to turn this around, but from what I've seen recently, he seems to be content with everything. He can't possibly miss me or else he would put a stop to all of this. Gosh it's going to be a long weekend.

 

Hope you're doing well today lostlove. Hopefully cramps are gone. Talk to you soon.

[lostlove76]

Hi lostlove, I just woke up and now I can't fall back asleep. I'll respond in detail to your posts later. I just wanted to say hi and I hope you're doing well.

 

I was a little quiet tonight because I guess I was just processing what happened when I saw him. I think as some time went by and I was able to think a bit more clearly, I am agreeing with you. I realize he could have gone elsewhere or at a later time. I also saw he posted a selfie on Instagram in the evening. His Insta account is public. He doesn't seem to use it much. Added a couple women about 2 weeks ago. Then he adds a selfie last night. He had a fresh haircut and I could see the photo looks like it was taken at the new clubhouse in his community. Of course I spent the rest of the evening thinking he got a fresh haircut and is on a date, but he could easily be with his boss or alone. I think I just wanted to spend the evening calming my thoughts and anxiety.

 

Hi ksol. I have something in the oven, so just going to write a little now and then I'll come back. I totally get needing to be alone with your thoughts. That happens to me every time I see something new and need to process the feelings. Nothing wrong with taking some time to yourself.

 

My guess would be that he posted the IG pic to get your attention, since it coincided with the car wash incident. If you hadn't seen him at the car wash, then maybe I would think he was just posting because he felt like it and it had nothing to do with you. But I think he was thinking of you when he posted it. He probably wanted to show himself looking good and being in a social setting to make you wonder what he's up to. People do that, all the time. Tons of internet articles even suggest doing that very thing - show yourself looking good and happy. A friend of mine told me to do that once, and I didn't, because it just seems so silly. But people do it. And I think that's most likely what he was doing.

 

It's Friday again and the weekends have become the worst to deal with. I'm going to stay in this weekend. I don't have any plans. It just occurred to me how crazy this situation is. If he is actually repeating the same behaviors as he did both times we split, this Is just madness now. Why would anyone want to go through this? After going through it a couple of times, wouldn't you do everything possible to make sure it didn't happen again? Maybe it's not as torturous to him? Maybe he enjoys the on and off? I guess he could say the same for me as I didn't do anything differently to make sure this didn't happen again. Furthermore, why the poking? I don't know if it's poking around or just coincidence, but it feels like craziness. Ah, I better just leave it right there. It doesn't matter either way. Nothing is being resolved and my healing and moving forward is of most importance. I've been asked this by you and others, do I want to live in this cycle or do I want to go through this again and again?? Absolutely not! I better try to fall back asleep.

 

Have you thought about what you'll do if this all plays out exactly as the last two times? Has your therapist said anything about this? It does seem like madness, I must say. It's way too torturous to keep doing all of this over and over again, but you know that. I guess, to be fair, you are right that he could say the same thing about you. You're both being completely passive and not doing anything at all to mend the situation. You've seen him poking around; you yourself aren't even poking. You certainly have good reasons for remaining silent, but just looking at it from his side, what must he be thinking? Probably the same things that you are. The "final straw" for him, so to speak, was you not coming home for two days, is that right? And the breakup happened right after that? So I wonder if he's thinking that you should be the one to step forward this time. Just trying to think it through. I do feel divided at times, because silence solves nothing - maybe once, going NC serves it's purpose, but by the third time, it just doesn't do anyone any good. I'm not suggesting you contact him. I would follow your therapist's advice above all else, since he's the expert in all of this. But it just feels to me like both of you are waiting and waiting for the other to make the move, and that's why nothing is happening. All very passive, to use the same word again.

 

I hope this helps and doesn't hurt. I'm certainly not trying to confuse you or make you feel bad! Just trying to consider why he might be poking around but not reaching out. And just making the point that there are always two sides to everything.

 

I need to eat so that I can think more clearly. I wait way too late in the day to eat anything. I'll be back

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I have something in the oven, so just going to write a little now and then I'll come back. I totally get needing to be alone with your thoughts. That happens to me every time I see something new and need to process the feelings. Nothing wrong with taking some time to yourself.

 

My guess would be that he posted the IG pic to get your attention, since it coincided with the car wash incident. If you hadn't seen him at the car wash, then maybe I would think he was just posting because he felt like it and it had nothing to do with you. But I think he was thinking of you when he posted it. He probably wanted to show himself looking good and being in a social setting to make you wonder what he's up to. People do that, all the time. Tons of internet articles even suggest doing that very thing - show yourself looking good and happy. A friend of mine told me to do that once, and I didn't, because it just seems so silly. But people do it. And I think that's most likely what he was doing.

 

I don't know if you remember, but we had an issue with IG a long time ago. He was liking photos of other women and I blew the whole thing out of proportion. He rarely ever used IG so when I saw this, alarm bells went off and I thought he was looking to cheat. That was right around the time of the email incident...a little bit before I believe. He deleted the app and never used it again until after I left him for the email. I don't follow him and he doesn't follow me. His IG is public, so he knows I can see it. Anytime we split, he would post selfies after getting a haircut, songs, quotes...just things he doesn't normally post on facebook. Now that he thinks I don't have access to facebook as we are no longer friends, he posted on IG. I wouldn't be surprised if he posted it with the intention for me to see it. I really don't know and I don't like thinking this way because the other end of this is that he may not be thinking of me at all, but because of what has happened in the past, it wouldn't be a far fetch to say he's doing the same now. Also, I too have seen this all over the net about people talking about how they should portray themselves on social media or around their ex in order to appear happy and so forth. I agree that it's silliness, but people do these things all the time.

 

If that is what is really going on here, then I really don't know what to say. This isn't a game...not to me anyway. This has certainly taken a toll on my emotional and mental state. To have to go through this every 3 or 4 months...it's torture. I probably don't even know what it's like to live with stability after going through this for so long. It's just not right.

 

Have you thought about what you'll do if this all plays out exactly as the last two times? Has your therapist said anything about this? It does seem like madness, I must say. It's way too torturous to keep doing all of this over and over again, but you know that. I guess, to be fair, you are right that he could say the same thing about you. You're both being completely passive and not doing anything at all to mend the situation. You've seen him poking around; you yourself aren't even poking. You certainly have good reasons for remaining silent, but just looking at it from his side, what must he be thinking? Probably the same things that you are. The "final straw" for him, so to speak, was you not coming home for two days, is that right? And the breakup happened right after that? So I wonder if he's thinking that you should be the one to step forward this time. Just trying to think it through. I do feel divided at times, because silence solves nothing - maybe once, going NC serves it's purpose, but by the third time, it just doesn't do anyone any good. I'm not suggesting you contact him. I would follow your therapist's advice above all else, since he's the expert in all of this. But it just feels to me like both of you are waiting and waiting for the other to make the move, and that's why nothing is happening. All very passive, to use the same word again.

 

I hope this helps and doesn't hurt. I'm certainly not trying to confuse you or make you feel bad! Just trying to consider why he might be poking around but not reaching out. And just making the point that there are always two sides to everything.

 

I need to eat so that I can think more clearly. I wait way too late in the day to eat anything. I'll be back

 

I haven't thought about what I would do if this plays out the same as the other times. I don't even know what I'd say. I guess I have an idea and I know I wouldn't be able to just jump back into things with him. I definitely wouldn't move back in right away. I just don't know. I think I just have it in my mind that this is so final and that it's over for good that I haven't really thought about what would happen should things take a turn. My therapist has not spoken about this either. He tries to keep the subject focused on me and bettering myself. IF it is true that he is actually poking around, I may be in denial about it, if it is so...something definitely has give. We can't continue on this path and we can't continue to brush things under the rug. We both have to recognize this unhealthy back and forth pattern and it has to stop. I cant go through this. I guess I'm getting too far ahead. I still believe he has made a final decision. You made a good point about looking at things from his side..and I thank you very much for writing this. I have thought long and hard about how my behavior, those last few days, impacted him and the decision he made. I'm sure, without a doubt, that he feels I was completely wrong for the way I behaved and when I didn't come home all day....that was the final straw. He may very well feel that I should be the one to apologize and reach out, but I just couldn't. No matter how terrible I behaved, he made a decision that made me feel totally discarded. That decision showed me he is unwilling to stand by my side. He said he didn't know how we last this long and that we both know we would never work. There is no way I would ever contact him to see if he really meant those words. When someone shuts you out of their life...for whatever reason, you leave them alone. He knows where to find me should he change his mind. We both are encouraging this NC thing. We have enforced it during each split and as you said, it serves no purpose or good. The passive behavior is to avoid communication and that is so wrong. I don't know if he realizes how destructive this on and off thing is. What if he thinks this is the right way to handle things? Remember what he wanted to do with his daughter? You're exactly right, if after the third time and we are still spinning in the same circles with NC, it's obviously not going to work.

 

I really don't know for sure what all this recent poking around is all about. Maybe he is hoping I'd make contact. He shut me out and he hurt me...again. I don't know what is going to happen, but I'm trying not to read too much into it. He may be thinking just as I am thinking...I would hope she would turn this around because I just cant be the one to contact her. And maybe he isn't thinking that at all and is just living his life. Either way, I have to focus on myself right now.

 

I'm going to get a snack. I'll be back soon. Enjoy your meal.

[lostlove76]

I understand where you're coming from. I'm the same way about mine. I've always remained passive and silent as well, feeling like it's his move to make. I don't know if he would even begin to understand why I do that, but I know that I have very good reasons. Communication is a really difficult thing; lack of communication is even more difficult. Without it, nothing can get resolved. But I'm kind of at a loss about who is supposed to go first, who is more at fault when hurtful things are said, etc. I can usually see things from both sides (even when it's my own situation), but the solution still stumps me. IF you guys get back together, I would think that communication would be the number one thing that needs to be addressed. Not coming home is a very passive-aggressive move (no judgement!! I have done the exact same thing, and other similar things, many many many times throughout my life in various relationships). I believe you both have skills to learn.

 

Do you have any plans for the weekend?

I hate the weekends now that he is gone.

 

I saw something somewhere online that really resonated with me. "Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."

 

How beautiful that quote is. It's all I'm holding onto right now. I want more than anything for him to turn this around, but from what I've seen recently, he seems to be content with everything. He can't possibly miss me or else he would put a stop to all of this. Gosh it's going to be a long weekend.

 

I don't have any plans this weekend, other than going to work tomorrow. I like to stay home and do nothing, so that's what I always do I know you fear the weekends. Maybe you can find something relaxing to do at home since you won't be going out of town. I find that coloring is a peaceful activity. It doesn't really take much mental concentration, yet it keeps you occupied. It has a calming effect. The butterfly quote really is beautiful, and so true. This may sound silly, but you should get a sketch pad or journal and write the quote in pretty lettering, and draw something around it. Just like with coloring, I think that doing something creative might calm you and help get you through some rough times. It will redirect your mind, but not to the point where you have to force yourself to concentrate on something heavy, like reading. Your mind can still process things in the background, but in the meantime, you're creating something of beauty. I think I might sit down and color in a little while myself.

 

I actually caught myself when I writing about the Tampa incident. It's a perfect example of how my mind comes up with all kinds of scenarios. Once you are aware you do these things, you will eventually interrupt your thoughts. I seem to do it naturally lately. It's not even dependent on what I see, sometimes I just come up with something in my mind and I believe that is what's going on. Desperately need to learn to live in the now. Right here, right now.

This is wonderful that it's becoming more natural to you! Eventually, your whole way of thinking might change, if you keep up the practice and awareness. I'm proud of you that you're making these efforts

 

It's only normal to feel like he will magically get it right with someone else and has forgotten all about you. Especially when you haven't heard from him in so long. It's been 3 weeks for me and I feel the same. I don't think he's romantically linked to this new woman, until you report something different. I know how it feels to come up with a conclusion and be so sure about it. We are so much alike that I think I would be thinking and doing the same as you. I would never contact him knowing he has been in these relationships. It's clear that he has to be the one to find his way back. Don't ever undermine the love you all shared. We don't know that he has found that again or that he is this way with all the women he was involved with. Have confidence in the love you shared with him. I still believe there is a reason for everything. This happened for a reason.

Pulling out a couple of quotes from the paragraph above:

I would never contact him knowing he has been in these relationships. It's clear that he has to be the one to find his way back.

Yes, this is the biggest reason of all that I won't contact him. If he hadn't been with other women, hadn't jumped right into something immediately after we quit talking, then I might be more open to consider reaching out. But the fact that he's been in all these other relationships since we ended is just the biggest slap in the face of all, and the thing that has hurt the most.

 

Don't ever undermine the love you all shared. We don't know that he has found that again or that he is this way with all the women he was involved with. Have confidence in the love you shared with him.

Thank you for saying this. I knew when we were together, and then when we were talking so much after he moved, that it really did mean something to him. I think I let the opinions of others damage my view of it all, even just all the message boards and advice articles I've read where people are bombarded with messages of "he doesn't care about you and never did." That kind of thing is so very damaging, and it's hard not to let it affect you. I also do it to myself (just as you do it to yourself) over and over and over, telling myself that I meant nothing and that he never cared. I can't figure out if we're doing it as a form of self-punishment, or if it's some kind of self-protection, or what. You and I both do it, constantly, repeating these messages to ourselves so many times. Have you ever noticed this, or wondered why we do it? That may go a little deeper than you feel like going right now, and that's okay, but it's something that just occurred to me again and I thought it was worth pointing out. To undermine the love that he and I had just takes away from the beauty that we shared... and we DID share many beautiful things and a wonderful connection. So why would I keep insisting to myself that none of it meant anything? Anyways, thank you so much for saying not to undermine it, and pointing out that maybe he hasn't found the same thing with any of these other women. I imagine that he has, and it hurts, but there is no way to know. Maybe they're all just time-passers, or lust-filled flings. I do know that what we had was important to ME, and I shouldn't allow myself or anyone else to take anything away from that.

 

I want more than anything for him to turn this around, but from what I've seen recently, he seems to be content with everything. He can't possibly miss me or else he would put a stop to all of this.

I wonder if it would be best to strive for a place of more neutrality. I would take these little pokes we've seen lately as a sign that he DOES miss you. Of course we can't know that they're pokes, but it is my feeling that they are. Game-playing always makes you question whether what you're seeing is really there or not. Poking is a form of game-playing, like you were saying earlier. So part of you may want to think he's trying to get your attention, but then you may tell yourself nah, it's surely just a coincidence. This is why games suck. But back to what I was going to say. Any time you think that maybe he's poking, you quickly tell yourself that it doesn't matter and that he really doesn't care about you or miss you. If you could remain somewhere in the middle ground, rather than shooting yourself right back towards the negative, I think you would feel better. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can still focus on yourself and trying to move forward in peace and good mental health without getting too hung up on false hopes (I'm assuming that's why you keep saying you don't want to put too much thought into why he's driving by and such), but also without going to the opposite extreme of he definitely doesn't care.

 

I feel like my thoughts are all over the place, I'm sorry! I was trying to go back and reply to some things from earlier, but I don't think I laid it out in any organized kind of way.

 

What are your plans for tonight?

[SparklyBoots]

This site preaches NC because it is one of our most powerful tools to HELP in healing. It's hard work. It takes discipline and support.

 

Notice that almost every outside observer is suggesting cutting off the social media stalking of the ex. Cutting out the stalking is really about no contact. Stalking on social media is a way to keep some sort of connection that is helping you both stay stuck.

 

To be honest, I think YOU need to be honest with yourselves. There is no CAN'T in this situation. There is only WON'T. You most certainly can block him on social media. But you won't because the payoff is greater than the pain. The payoff is at least staying connected to him, satisfying your curiosity, and letting yourself speculate - at the very least.

 

SOME of the pain you are in is of your own making. So, when you say you don't deserve this pain, it's a little bit disingenuous. It's like a lactose intolerant person eating ice cream and then saying "I don't deserve to feel nauseated." Well, that's what happens when you eat what you are not supposed to. But what's more honest is that person saying, "You know, the pain I feel after I eat ice cream is worth it because it is so pleasurable when I eat it. I know it's better for me to cut down on it, so I will cut back from 2 bowls of ice cream a day to 2 per week and so on until I can stop eating it."

 

This, TOTALLY...honestly everyone outside who is trying to nudge you towards hurting yourselves less is doing so out of concern....I am talking from personal experience...I hurt myself for so long. Through counselling I found out I had an anxous avoidant style of attachment (very small percentage of the population have this) and i found it very hard to let go, especially with my last BIG ex who was an avoidant type - but I had never let him get close as I was also avoidant.....I was in a constant state of anxiety while still keeping tabs on him and still unable to let go.....but when I stopped all the FB stuff, cut off mutual friends, made a conscious effort to move forward with my own life and started focussing on myself and getting into a better place, I felt so so much better.....that anxiety was gone.....you are both worth so much more than these guys could ever give you. You need to believe in your own worth and concentrate on yourselves as individual independent women. I'd really consider reading 'In the Meantime: Finding Yourself And The Love You Want' by Iyanla Vanzant xxx

[lostlove76]

Through counselling I found out I had an anxous avoidant style of attachment (very small percentage of the population have this) and i found it very hard to let go, especially with my last BIG ex who was an avoidant type - but I had never let him get close as I was also avoidant.....I was in a constant state of anxiety while still keeping tabs on him and still unable to let go

Hi Sparkly. Me too!! I didn't find it out through counseling, but through reading and taking one of the online quizzes about attachment styles. I tested as both highly anxious and highly avoidant. I also read that a very small percentage are fearful-avoidant, so it's interesting to hear that you are as well. I wish there was more written about this style. Everything seems to focus mostly on the anxious and the avoidant. We can pull info from each and apply it to ourselves, but I think the fact that we're both makes it a lot more complicated. It makes relationships very difficult. I find that I often feel extremely anxious but I act extremely avoidant; I then wonder if the other person even has any clue how much I care. What's your opinion on what style ksol may be? Just curious. She tested on the quiz as secure, but I see her as anxious. However, now I'm wondering if she might be fearful-avoidant as well, because she does have many avoidant behaviors. I know this isn't something that we can properly "diagnose" here, but I find it interesting, and helpful in terms of becoming more aware of where all the problems are stemming from.

 

I'd really consider reading 'In the Meantime: Finding Yourself And The Love You Want' by Iyanla Vanzant

I read this, and a couple of her others, in my early 20's when I was trying to figure out why I was having so many relationship problems. It's a good book.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove,

 

Thank you for writing. I like the part where you said I need to be neutral about the whole poking around thing. I think I tell myself the worst for self protection really. I think I have been trying my best not to think too much into it because nothing more is going to come out of it. None of it was direct, so I'll never know for sure as you were saying. It's all game playing. I also wanted to tell you that you completely understand every aspect of my entire situation. Sometimes as I read your posts, I am amazed at how well you just get it. You are a very insightful person. I just thank you for always being there for me. Your friendship is just priceless.

 

I'm feeling a knot in the pit of my stomach again. I was laughing and chatting with my mom in the kitchen earlier. She was making a pie and I was seasoning meat to marinate overnight. We will grill tomorrow. I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but I love to cook. It was nice to get out of this room for a bit to share some laughs with my mom in the kitchen. That was short lived because I started to feel sadness take over me again. I came back to my room and here I sit. It's like reality just hit me all over again. I don't know how he could do something like this? We were discussing your guy being with other women and I thought to myself, I'm sitting here thinking he is poking around when I could be the last thing on his mind. It's Friday night, what is a single guy going to be doing? I just feel all kinds of awful right now and I feel even more pitiful knowing that time is just passing and we are growing further and further apart. I miss him so much. I miss the children. I miss our time together on the weekends...me making breakfast and then we would have an activity planned for the evening. That life is long gone and it's never coming back. The future we envisioned is long gone. I'm just angry that he made such a decision and acts like he never knew me. People can be so cruel. I guess I have myself to blame for putting myself in that position to begin with.

 

I forgot to tell you that I took the attachment style quiz again the other day and it said I was preoccupied-anxious (I believe that is what is called). I'm definitely not secure...that must have been my error in answering. I didn't get a chance to read more about preoccupied. Maybe after my shower I'll do some reading about and see if I fit.

 

I'm going to take a shower. I wish I could just sleep through the weekend. Talk again soon.

[lostlove76]

Thank you for writing. I like the part where you said I need to be neutral about the whole poking around thing. I think I tell myself the worst for self protection really. I think I have been trying my best not to think too much into it because nothing more is going to come out of it. None of it was direct, so I'll never know for sure as you were saying. It's all game playing. I also wanted to tell you that you completely understand every aspect of my entire situation. Sometimes as I read your posts, I am amazed at how well you just get it. You are a very insightful person. I just thank you for always being there for me. Your friendship is just priceless.

You're welcome, ksol, and the same to you. You always get me and my situation just as well, and you always have such calming things to say. You and I are just so alike in the ways we think and feel, and that's why we get each other.

 

I can see it being self-protection, that makes sense. Back when I was waiting for mine to call every other night, I would always tell myself and everyone else that he wasn't going to. I guess it seemed better to expect the worst rather than to expect something better only to be disappointed. Your expectation of the worst (in this case, never hearing from him again) keeps you from getting let down.

 

That's awesome that you love to cook I wish I enjoyed it, because I'm always coming across so many great recipes. I'm sorry that the feelings of happiness in the kitchen with your mom didn't last very long, but at least you were able to feel it for a few moments. That's something. Over time, you'll find yourself having more moments like this, and they'll start to last a little longer. For now, just appreciate the small things as they occur.

 

I know you keep worrying about him being with other women, but just remember that he's not a womanizer like my guy. He's not a lady's man, he's not super social, he's a homebody. I know you feel like he's going to embrace all this newfound freedom now that you and the kids are gone; at most, he may try it out a little, but people always revert back to their typical personalities. He's not suddenly going to become Mr. Social, because that's not who he is or what he enjoys.

 

I do recall him telling you that he talked with a few other women during your breakup, I think it was this last time?, but that it meant nothing. And we now know that he was still thinking of you during all of that, and he did eventually reach out and want you back. So these other women were nothing serious at all. IF he goes out a time or two, or finds someone to chat with, it's not going to be serious this time either. I know it would still hurt, but it's nothing more than a time-filler for him. A way to cope, like your therapist said. I don't think you have much to worry about here (although I certainly do understand the worrying, of course).

 

I forgot to tell you that I took the attachment style quiz again the other day and it said I was preoccupied-anxious (I believe that is what is called). I'm definitely not secure...that must have been my error in answering. I didn't get a chance to read more about preoccupied. Maybe after my shower I'll do some reading about and see if I fit.

Ah, this makes much more sense than secure. The results of these quizzes are all in how you answer the questions. If you're picturing yourself in a more confident place when you take it, you'll score as more secure than if you really get honest with yourself. I definitely think it would be worth your time to read more about attachment, because it will make you realize that your anxiety is very deeply rooted and not your "fault." Our attachment styles are hard set and very hard to overcome. Likewise, avoidants have very deeply set ways of being in relationships, and it's not an easy thing to change. There's a lot great info online, and also a few good books out there. I'll get you the links from my laptop of the two books that I read, one sec...

[Ksol9]

I meant to tell you when I was talking about how this relationship pushed me to change. Not only did these breakups teach me very valuable lessons as well as push me to do some deep soul searching, but with therapy including my writing here on the board...YOU have been one of the most resourceful people I have ever met. Tantamount to therapy. You are way ahead of me on this journey to self discovery. You've done extensive research on relationships, so when I was talking about continually searching to learn and better yourself, you are far ahead of me in that regard. I just appreciate you so much. You've helped me so very much.

 

I read an article earlier this morning about men and why they distance themselves. It was based on the theory (maybe it's not just a theory) that they go into their man caves to process the direction they're heading in. I was completely oblivious to this man cave thing until you told me about it. You actually recommended the men are from mars book which talks alot about this. I thought about you as I was reading this article. My guy seems to be like you in the sense that he will often distance himself and needs alot of space to process things. I didn't understand this. I often felt hurt and would react. If only I knew what I know now.

 

I think, through you, I've learned about alot of things about myself..unhealthy habits and ways to improve. Learning more about attachment styles will most likely be very beneficial to me in future. As for the men are from mars book. I purchased it on kindle and never got around to reading it. I will most likely finish the codependent book this weekend. The men are from mars book will be my next read.

 

Something just came to mind. It actually was an earlier thought. I was thinking how embarrassing my relationship probably is. The constant back and forth. Breaking up, getting back together. If he were to think about changing his mind, I'm sure he is probably thinking how silly he would look making me move out only to come back into my life. I remember there was a time earlier on...maybe after the first breakup where he said..your parents probably think I'm a joke. They probably can't take me seriously. I think if I were to put myself in his shoes, I would be embarrassed too although there is nothing to be embarrassed about. My parents care for him and the children very much. They are apart of our family, but they just want us to get things right or move on with our lives. What I'm trying to say is..there are alot of factors that come into play when the subject of reconciling comes up. What about your parents? They seem to be much like my parents...supportive but just want the best for you. They just want to see you happy. What did they think of the back and forth?

[lostlove76]

Links for the two great books I read about attachment styles are below. The more you read, the more you'll understand both yourself and him (he's most likely an avoidant, I think, but don't know for sure), and why you both act the way you do. I think it would help you make better sense of some things, and also help you blame yourself less for your actions, as well as take his actions less personally.

 

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------

And here's a website by the author of Avoidant:

 

 

It talks about more than just avoidants. This tab describes your type, anxious-preoccupieds:

 

 

In scanning the article, a few things jump out at me that you might relate to:

 

"Since they require constant messages of reassurance, the preoccupied find it hard to venture away from their partners or loved ones to accomplish goals"

[i seem to recall you guys talking a lot about your need for reassurance here on the thread during one of the times when I was wasn't being as active here because I was depressed or something... this was during the few weeks before the breakup, I think]

 

"While the preoccupied have strong feelings and can discuss them when calm, their feelings are centered around their needs for attention and the failures of others to provide it on demand. They commonly blame others for not understanding their feelings and needs while not feeling safe enough in the relationship to describe them openly. They want to merge with their partner, so this type is prone to codependence—a dysfunctional mutual dependence where neither partner matures further."

 

I'll stop there, because there is so much more than that and you should really just read the whole article if you get the chance. I don't want to take any of it out of context by copy/pasting. Take note of the section about "protest behaviors," because this is what you were doing when you didn't come home for two days. Acting hostile is another protest behavior.

 

Don't let this overwhelm you! You can read more about it or not, up to you I know I sometimes feel overwhelmed when someone wants me to read more about something, and I just don't have the energy. You can come back to it later if you wish. The info is out there, and very helpful when you're ready.

[lostlove76]

I meant to tell you when I was talking about how this relationship pushed me to change. Not only did these breakups teach me very valuable lessons as well as push me to do some deep soul searching, but with therapy including my writing here on the board...YOU have been one of the most resourceful people I have ever met. Tantamount to therapy. You are way ahead of me on this journey to self discovery. You've done extensive research on relationships, so when I was talking about continually searching to learn and better yourself, you are far ahead of me in that regard. I just appreciate you so much. You've helped me so very much.

Thank you so much ksol, this makes me feel really good

 

I read an article earlier this morning about men and why they distance themselves. It was based on the theory (maybe it's not just a theory) that they go into their man caves to process the direction they're heading in. I was completely oblivious to this man cave thing until you told me about it. You actually recommended the men are from mars book which talks alot about this. I thought about you as I was reading this article. My guy seems to be like you in the sense that he will often distance himself and needs alot of space to process things. I didn't understand this. I often felt hurt and would react. If only I knew what I know now.

I never knew anything about this either, until I read the Mars and Venus book. This knowledge was sooooo helpful to me in dealing with my ex, because he was definitely a distancer. Just like you, I always felt very hurt by it too until I read the book. It still hurt, but not quite as much because I understood it more. And yes, I'm the same way - to an extreme, really. There are times when I shut down completely and can't talk to anyone or handle any communication whatsoever. So it's not just men. For me, I guess it's because I'm so introverted. I understand this about myself, and always try to explain it to people when I need to withdraw for awhile... and people always seem to understand. What sucks is when someone, usually a guy, just withdraws with zero warning or explanation and you're left wondering what exactly is wrong and what you're supposed to do about it, and you end up feeling like it's your fault. But this is what men do. They don't usually give you a head's up, and you have no clue how long they'll stay in their cave. The Mars/Venus author says that the best thing to do is nothing at all. Let him retreat and come out when he's ready. Don't follow him in there or he'll stay much longer.

 

I think, through you, I've learned about alot of things about myself..unhealthy habits and ways to improve. Learning more about attachment styles will most likely be very beneficial to me in future. As for the men are from mars book. I purchased it on kindle and never got around to reading it. I will most likely finish the codependent book this weekend. The men are from mars book will be my next read.

Oh good, I'm glad you're interested in learning more about it, because I really think it will help you. I wrote my other post with all the attachment resources before reading this post, and I was a bit worried you would find it overwhelming. Like I said, please don't ever feel pressured by anything I suggest. You can read it now, or a year from now, or never. I would totally understand not having the energy, or just not getting around to it. But the titles and links are there for when you need them. I would say that the Mars/Venus book, and the attachment books, were the most helpful to me when I was having such a hard time with him at one point. I probably read about 10-12 different books looking for answers, and these were the ones that stuck with me the most. Oh, and Men Who Can't Love, as well (about commitment-phobes).

 

Let me post this and then answer the last paragraph from my phone so that I can go outside and smoke (yep, I smoke, so need to quit). Be right back.

[lostlove76]

Something just came to mind. It actually was an earlier thought. I was thinking how embarrassing my relationship probably is. The constant back and forth. Breaking up, getting back together. If he were to think about changing his mind, I'm sure he is probably thinking how silly he would look making me move out only to come back into my life. I remember there was a time earlier on...maybe after the first breakup where he said..your parents probably think I'm a joke. They probably can't take me seriously. I think if I were to put myself in his shoes, I would be embarrassed too although there is nothing to be embarrassed about. My parents care for him and the children very much. They are apart of our family, but they just want us to get things right or move on with our lives. What I'm trying to say is..there are alot of factors that come into play when the subject of reconciling comes up. What about your parents? They seem to be much like my parents...supportive but just want the best for you. They just want to see you happy. What did they think of the back and forth?

 

Ya know, this is a really good point. Wasn't there also something he was embarrassed about around Christmastime in regards to seeing your parents? I can't recall exactly what it was, but I think it was basically the same as you're saying here. I definitely think there are many factors that keep him from reaching out, none of which are that he just doesn't care. And this could certainly be one of them.

 

While mine was doing all the back and forth about me moving there - sounding so sure about it, and then backing out when plans were in place at one point, and then calling the next day feeling so sorry and almost crying because he was worried I hated him, and then lots more back and forths between being sure and feeling nervous... During all of that, he said many times that my parents must hate him and think he's an idiot. And asked what they think, and why would they support me moving there to be with him. He even said he was embarrassed.

 

So guys do think about these things, I guess. I'm sure that yours cares very much what your parents think of him. I'm sure he knows that they're kind, nonjudgemental people, but he probably can't understand why they would even like him or support you being with him after all of these breakups. Guys are very self-loathing when it comes to feeling like failures, apparently (I have read). He may feel that your parents don't think he's good enough for you after putting you through all this. I can definitely see how it could be embarrassing.

 

My parents are just like yours. During all of the ons and offs, they just wanted me to be happy and hated to see me hurting. They didn't have anything against him. My mom feels like he loved me but has major problems that prevent him from offering stability. My dad often tried to help me see the other side and not overreact when I was upset about this or that. They supported me going there to live with him, and they were even going to drive me down there. My mom took me shopping for some things I would need. This was the time when plans were pretty much in place and he backed out and then felt horrible about it the next day. He called and texted over and over for days until I would talk to him, and he was on the verge of tears when I finally answered. After that was when he started worrying about what they must think of him. But yeah, they recognized that he wasn't good for me, and gently told me so, but were still supportive of me being with him because I loved him so much. Just like your parents, I am sure. I'm sure they recognize that he has issues and that this is so not healthy for you, with the back and forths, but they want for you to be happy whether it's making things work with him or not.

 

We're extremely lucky to have these kinds of parents. I don't know what I would do without mine. I couldn't even begin to count the number of hours they've sat with me while I cried uncontrollably and asked them over and over why they thought he was being the way that he is. They've seen me go through so much pain, but they would welcome him into our home with open arms if it ever came to that, because that's just the kind of people they are.

 

Back to the other part, about the embarrassment. It's definitely easier to hide your head in the sand than face people who you feel you have let down.

[Ksol9]

Hey there, I fell asleep and woke up a little bit ago. I want to respond to your posts and I also want to tell you about some of the suggested reading I did, but I'll do so when I have more time in the day. I always wake up throughout the night and can't go back to sleep. I miss him so much.

 

I don't know if I'm sad and angry or just sad alone...still sad either way. I just wish this whole thing would go away. Sometimes I sit and think about the mess we made of that relationship. A lot of it was so unnecessary. A lot of it was my fault, my insecurities. I know I gave him a hard time. I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Cause and effect like you said..we both did a number. This is the aftermath. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I know all the worrying and negativity i was living in created all this mess and for what? I'm in no better place than I was since the first break up. We've been spinning in circles getting nowhere. No progress whatsoever.

 

I can't even explain the feeling I've been having lately. I'm learning, I'm growing, living, but it's just not what I want so it really has no meaning. i don't know if I should be angry with him for doing what he did that day. For all I know he still has a lot of anger and hatred for me. We both left eachother with anger and hatred. everything seems so out of control and the only option I have is to leave everything in broken pieces.

 

Going to try to go back to sleep. Not sure if you're still up or not, but I hope you're well. Thanks again for the reading material. Talk to you later.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm laying down, so can't type much. I'm needing to go to sleep but haven't been able to yet. I know just how you feel when you say that nothing has any meaning. I feel that way, too, and it makes it hard to find the motivation to strive for growth or happiness. It all just feels blah, like what's the point.

 

I know you feel guilty, but I think as you read more of the attachment stuff, you'll realize that a lot of your behaviors were somewhat beyond your control. The anxiety and insecurities were there, and you can only hide that stuff inside for so long before it comes out. It's a really hard thing to change. Try not to be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes and wish we had done things differently. You didn't have ill intentions.

 

I'm going to read a few threads and try to get sleepy enough to fall asleep. I've been playing games on my phone, but maybe that's not the thing to do because it's too stimulating. I hope you get some more sleep. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I'm laying down, so can't type much. I'm needing to go to sleep but haven't been able to yet. I know just how you feel when you say that nothing has any meaning. I feel that way, too, and it makes it hard to find the motivation to strive for growth or happiness. It all just feels blah, like what's the point.

 

I know you feel guilty, but I think as you read more of the attachment stuff, you'll realize that a lot of your behaviors were somewhat beyond your control. The anxiety and insecurities were there, and you can only hide that stuff inside for so long before it comes out. It's a really hard thing to change. Try not to be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes and wish we had done things differently. You didn't have ill intentions.

 

I'm going to read a few threads and try to get sleepy enough to fall asleep. I've been playing games on my phone, but maybe that's not the thing to do because it's too stimulating. I hope you get some more sleep. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

 

 

Your first paragraph are my exact thoughts. Totally feels blah..like what's the point. I've just reading the news and some other things online since I woke up. It's what's keeping me awake. Maybe I should shut the phone down. Lol. Same goes for you, I bet the games are too stimulating to allow you to feel sleepy.

 

My therapist told me to try some mindfullness meditation. I don't know if you're in that kind of stuff. I was the biggest skeptic, but I tried it. I found a video on YouTube and before the 10 minute video was up I could barely keep my eyes open. You have to focus and I think that's a little difficult for both of us at the moment.

 

I have to go into the office in the morning for a little bit. I just want to stay in bed until Monday. Have a good nights rest.

[lostlove76]

Your first paragraph are my exact thoughts. Totally feels blah..like what's the point. I've just reading the news and some other things online since I woke up. It's what's keeping me awake. Maybe I should shut the phone down. Lol. Same goes for you, I bet the games are too stimulating to allow you to feel sleepy.

 

My therapist told me to try some mindfullness meditation. I don't know if you're in that kind of stuff. I was the biggest skeptic, but I tried it. I found a video on YouTube and before the 10 minute video was up I could barely keep my eyes open. You have to focus and I think that's a little difficult for both of us at the moment.

 

I have to go into the office in the morning for a little bit. I just want to stay in bed until Monday. Have a good nights rest.

 

Good morning (afternoon). I just got up. I need to head to work for a bit pretty soon here, after I eat something. Did you manage to fall back asleep last night? I finally had to take a Benadryl. I think I got enough sleep after that.

 

Mindfulness meditation. Do you have the link for the video you used? A long time ago, a professor of mine in college suggested lying on my back and imagining each body part completely relaxing and sinking into the mattress, going from head to toe. Is that similar to what you're talking about?

 

Yes, life seems blah without the one you love. To me, and to you to some extent I'm sure, love seems like the ultimate goal and satisfaction in life. Someone to share your moments with. If you have no one to share with, then what's the point? That's how I feel. It's probably pretty normal to feel like that, but not good, because it keeps us from being fully happy. I don't really know the solution at the moment, but maybe it will come one day.

 

How are you feeling today about things? I woke up picturing mine with this new girl, and how happy they must be, and how much time they must be spending together. I didn't see him online at all yesterday or much of the day before. And I can tell when she's been on, because she's always adding new page likes (you know the section where it shows what pages someone has liked, pages like CNN or fashion blog pages or whatever). She liked no new pages at all yesterday until late last night, an hour or two after he would have started working night shift. So I am concluding that they were both offline all day and therefore together. That's what I was trying to explain the other day, and you said you weren't sure you followed. Hope it makes sense. Of course he has moved on with his life after all this time. I don't know how I could expect or hope for otherwise. I still look at married woman's stuff every now and then, just out of curiosity, and she posted a video on IG of herself at a hotel with some guy. I couldn't tell if it was her husband or not. If not, then she's still being just as trashy. I would rather him be with this new girl than a married b!7ch I guess.

 

Well I guess I better get moving and get my day started, but will check back in later. Let me know how you're feeling if you get a chance. Talk soon!

[Ksol9]

Good morning (afternoon). I just got up. I need to head to work for a bit pretty soon here, after I eat something. Did you manage to fall back asleep last night? I finally had to take a Benadryl. I think I got enough sleep after that.

 

Good afternoon. It took me forever to fall back asleep last earlier and when I finally did, it wasn't long after that I had to get up and get ready for work. I peeled myself out of bed to get ready. Mind you on Saturdays I don't have to be at the office until 9:30-10 and I still had a difficult time this morning. I 'm home now for the rest of the day. Just relaxing. Maybe a nap. I'm feeling really sad..I don't want to do anything today. I'm glad that you were finally able to get to sleep.

 

Mindfulness meditation. Do you have the link for the video you used? A long time ago, a professor of mine in college suggested lying on my back and imagining each body part completely relaxing and sinking into the mattress, going from head to toe. Is that similar to what you're talking about?

 

I went to youtube and just searched mindfullness meditation. I think I chose one of the first ones that came up and it concentrated mostly on breathing. Anytime your thoughts drifted to something else other than your breathing, it told to you picture a colored balloon floating away. This would represent the thoughts that were interrupting your mediation. It will prove to be very beneficial if I continue to do it because I'm training my mind to free myself of worries and negative thinking. I do think it's important to clear your brain of worries and troubles even if its for 10 mintues out of the day. It definitely sounds similar to what your college professor suggested. Search on youtube and pick one you like. The following is the link to the one Ive been using:

 

 

 

I've actually been thinking about yoga lately. When I get myself together, I'll sign for a class. I think there are so many misconceptions about yoga and meditation, I had plenty, but with much encouragement from my therapist and through reading, I think this is going to help me quite a bit. I might even try starting it at home. There are plenty of beginner videos on youtube. When I get into then I'll start a class. I've always been good at keeping up with exercise and so forth, but since the breakup I can barely get out to walk the dog. I'm going to start working on this slowly, but surely.

 

I saw him drive again this morning as I was pulling in the parking lot. I don't know if he just has good timing or if it's sheer coincidence. He knows my schedule. It's just so strange, but there is no way to tell for sure if he's driving by to see if I'm there. I just really, really miss him. It's the weekend and I can't picture him sitting at home all day doing nothing. The past few days, I've been feeling like I just need to give this whole thing up, give it to the breeze, and not care. I feel like I don't care about therapy, work, anything. I mean I do, but I feel like I just want to let go of all the restrictions I'm putting on myself. Why should I even care what happens? Everything eventually falls into place right? Isn't that how it works? Even when it comes to him and what happened, I feel like I don't care about the anger. I don't care about what happened or proving a point. I want to let go of everything and let things happen the way theyre supposed to. I don't even know if I'm making sense. It's so hard to explain what I've been feeling. I feel like I have no control and everything is out of control. The more time passes, the more discouraged I am because I'm being impatient with myself about the progress I should be making. Even seeing him around is draining the life out of me. I just feel sad and empty. He has been online, but hasn't posted anything. I've been able to cut down on looking the past couple of days because I keep telling myself that he is probably seeing someone new by now and could easily be keeping it off social media since he just got out of a relationship. I can feel us drifting further and further apart if that even makes any sense.

 

Knowing the type of person he is, he's very secure with his decisions and doesn't go back on them easily, I don't see this resolving like it did any of the previous times. This is not me telling myself this for self protection, this is me being realistic. It's over and all I'm left with is this emptiness and sadness. I can try to fill that void with things to keep myself busy and productive, but its only temporary. I'm feeling this loss more than he is and the only hope I have for myself is time. Maybe in time I will feel better or this will become easier to manage. I'm just hurting alot today.

 

I woke up picturing mine with this new girl, and how happy they must be, and how much time they must be spending together. I didn't see him online at all yesterday or much of the day before. And I can tell when she's been on, because she's always adding new page likes (you know the section where it shows what pages someone has liked, pages like CNN or fashion blog pages or whatever). She liked no new pages at all yesterday until late last night, an hour or two after he would have started working night shift. So I am concluding that they were both offline all day and therefore together. That's what I was trying to explain the other day, and you said you weren't sure you followed. Hope it makes sense. Of course he has moved on with his life after all this time. I don't know how I could expect or hope for otherwise. I still look at married woman's stuff every now and then, just out of curiosity, and she posted a video on IG of herself at a hotel with some guy. I couldn't tell if it was her husband or not. If not, then she's still being just as trashy. I would rather him be with this new girl than a married b!7ch I guess.

 

I totally understand how you're feeling and when you don't see him on, you assume he is with someone. I am wondering, if after the few times we have discussed it here, are you able to interrupt your thoughts and say...hmm..maybe this isn't so, I don't really know, it could be a coincidence or are you just very sure in your thinking? The reason why I ask is because you have reminded me quite a few times that I don't really know for sure what is going on and since then, I often tell myself, when I see that he hasn't been online for a little while, that I'm just jumping to conclusions. I often tell myself that my conclusions are silly. I'm basing it off nothing...virtually nothing. I still come up with conclusions, but that is normal when you are apart from someone..you wonder what they are doing and who they are with. We don't know if he was with this woman yesterday. You just have to sit tight. I think if they were dating or seeing eachother exclusively, you would see photos and more clues. Try to remind yourself that your conclusions may be a little extreme. As far as the married woman, we know..well...she's just being herself. Married and trashy. That is exactly how I feel about the married woman from Tampa. Just the thought of her irks me. But I would like to add, I don't dislike her or any of the other women that I've seen him linked to. It's not their fault that he reaches out to them in times of conflict, it is not her fault that he emailed her. He is the one to blame for this woman even being an issue in our relationship. I still wouldn't like to see him with her and from time to time, I think maybe they are involved, but who knows. I understand what you saying fully. It really just boils down to your mind. You can't rid yourself of those thoughts. They will be there regardless and you will look online regardless, but you can try to remind yourself that the thoughts are just assumptions and speculations and they are not reality unless you see evidence of it.

 

Have a great day at work. Look forward to chatting with you later. I'm going to grab some lunch and then maybe a nap. Have a good one!

[Ksol9]

“I have learned that self-mastery and the consistent care of one’s mind, body and soul are essential to finding one’s highest self and living the life of one’s dreams. How can you care for others if you cannot even care for yourself? How can you do good if you don’t even feel good? I can’t love you if I cannot love myself.” ~ Robin S. Sharma

 

I found this quote from an article I was reading online earlier today. I hope whoever is reading finds some sort of helpful meaning from it. It couldn't be more true and appropriate for the life lesson I am going through right now. They say you can't have a real and true relationship with someone until you've had your heart broken properly. For those of you who have followed my story, I have never had my heartbroken like I have in this relationship and not once, but 3 times. I guess it wasn't broken properly the first time and to think this may not be the last just scares me. I'm just hoping I am one step closer to the answers and path I need to be on than I've ever been. It sure feels like I am.

 

When I think back to the previous breakups, oh the suffering I endured, I think each one brought me closer and closer to what I really needed to work on. I just couldn't figure it out right away. I guess some people just have it easier than others. I've always taken less chosen and more difficult roads. From the beginning, I blamed myself, blamed my negative thoughts, blamed him, blamed myself some more. I was getting somewhere...I said to myself, ah ha! I need to work on my negative mindset. I put myself in therapy, started to work on loving and caring for myself, only for it to be short-lived. I fell right back into the same routine and forgot all about myself once again. I didn't realize the importance of it. Second breakup, focused mostly on his infidelity. He didn't love me enough, he didn't show me how much he cared. I was riddled with neediness and an excessive need for reassurance. I was on a destructive path that I didn't even stop realize how the first breakup had alot to do with the second. I thought...gosh, just my luck! Third break up, more neediness, blame, resentment from second breakup, anger...and then....finally....just a couple days before the breakup, I sought for help. I googled a therapist that specialized in repairing relationship trust using the Gottman Method. The day before my appointment we break up, so what I thought was going to be a venture for our relationship, turned into a venture for myself, for my self discovery. Best thing I ever did for myself to date. Myself, the person I should have focused on throughout this entire ordeal...starting from the very. first. breakup.

 

As foolish as it sounds, from the very beginning, I did not stop to think that I didn't love myself or that I didn't have self respect and self worth. I was constantly scrambling for answers to why our relationship was not working and at times I scratched the surface to what the real issue was, but I didn't connect the dots.

 

I can not fix him. I am responsible for myself. Here I am in my early 30's, intelligent, independent woman with so much to offer and I didn't stop to think I have to take care of myself first before I would even come close to being able to have a stable and healthy relationship with someone else. Silly me huh? I think I've finally come to the conclusion, the same conclusion that so many others have been trying to tell me about and I blindly ignored.....respect myself, love myself.

 

I may not have it all figured out, but I feel so sure, deep down inside, that I am on the right path. It just feels right. I know what I need to do and it all seems so simple. I simply have to love myself, make time for myself in order to maintain a healthy mind and heart. It is only then I will be able to have a chance at having a healthy and fulfilling relationship. And even still, the work is not over. I am almost 100% certain that this is going to be lifelong work and I'm sure it is for many others as well. When I think about him and how he handled this whole matter. I think I truly deserved someone who had the patience and understanding to allow me to figure these things out. He may have been able to push me in a different way or maybe these breakups were absolutely necessary. Maybe I wouldn't have learned any other way. That doesn't matter anymore, what matters is that I am here now and I have a clearer picture about what I need to do and where I am headed.

 

Just wanted to share my thoughts. Hope everyone is having a wonderful evening.

[boltnrun]

Great post, ksol.

 

I get from this post that you don't want to stay stuck in a rut, but rather you want to change the only person you CAN change...yourself. This doesn't require HIM to change. Your growth and quality of life is not dependent on anyone else, and it's awesome that you understand that and are willing to do the work.

 

I too almost credit my ex for forcing me to realize I had been making poor choices. Now I absolutely refuse to twist myself into a pretzel to please a man and I won't allow anyone but myself to be responsible for my own happiness. I joke that I almost want to send him a thank you note for dumping me!

 

Excellent post. Inspiring.

[Ksol9]

Great post, ksol.

 

I get from this post that you don't want to stay stuck in a rut, but rather you want to change the only person you CAN change...yourself. This doesn't require HIM to change. Your growth and quality of life is not dependent on anyone else, and it's awesome that you understand that and are willing to do the work.

 

I too almost credit my ex for forcing me to realize I had been making poor choices. Now I absolutely refuse to twist myself into a pretzel to please a man and I won't allow anyone but myself to be responsible for my own happiness. I joke that I almost want to send him a thank you note for dumping me!

 

Excellent post. Inspiring.

 

Thank you bolt. I appreciate you.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. Just now sitting down to catch up. Today was pretty decent, I suppose. Work was nice, and I wasn't in a particularly down or bad mood, despite my negative thoughts this morning. I'm sorry that you were feeling sad. I haven't read what you posted later in the day yet, just the one from this afternoon, so maybe things got better. I'll read that one after replying to this one.

 

Yoga and meditation sound like great ideas for you, and will hopefully help calm your mind and relax your body. I feel like I'm too impatient for most of that stuff, too unable to really sit down and focus on it, but I know it can do wonders for some people. Thank you for the link for the video. I'll try it one night when I'm feeling relaxed enough to focus but unable to fall asleep. Starting at home with videos sounds like a great plan, because you won't have the pressure of attending class at a certain time. You can do it on your own, whenever you need or want to.

 

I saw him drive again this morning as I was pulling in the parking lot. I don't know if he just has good timing or if it's sheer coincidence. He knows my schedule. It's just so strange, but there is no way to tell for sure if he's driving by to see if I'm there.

I'm sure that he probably is doing it on purpose, but you're right, no way to know for sure. I think if it were me, it would make me feel better and more hopeful; I would feel that I had at least some small indication that perhaps he was thinking of me. It seems to make you feel worse, not better. I can see it bringing sadness to see him and yet be unable to be with him. And I imagine that it's frustrating, because if he's doing it on purpose, then why won't he just man up and reach out and end all this silence. Even typing that sentence makes me feel the frustration as if I were living it. For what it's worth, I still think it's only a matter of time before he sends some sort of text, or makes some kind of move like he did the last two times.

 

The more time passes, the more discouraged I am because I'm being impatient with myself about the progress I should be making.

You're right where I would expect you to be. It hasn't been that long; not even a month yet, right? These things take time. Some people are able to get over things more quickly, but for most, a month is nothing. Don't push yourself too hard, or get impatient with yourself, or criticize yourself for not being further along. The pace you're going is completely fine and normal.

 

He has been online, but hasn't posted anything. I've been able to cut down on looking the past couple of days because I keep telling myself that he is probably seeing someone new by now and could easily be keeping it off social media since he just got out of a relationship.

I don't think he's seeing anyone new, or he wouldn't be driving by your work. I just thought to wonder, though... do you ever log into your own account anymore, or just always stay on your friend's account? If you're never on yours, then he may be wondering what you're up to as well, because it would appear that you're never on facebook at all.

 

I can feel us drifting further and further apart if that even makes any sense.

It does make sense. It feels weird when you go from togetherness to what feels like strangers within a day or a week. When two people come back together, though, it usually feels as if they were never apart. I'm still thinking with the assumption that he's going to reach out again, so this distance is only temporary IMO. I don't know if it's good for me to say things like that, because like I've said before, I do worry about giving false hope. But I'm just being honest when I say that I believe he will eventually make contact. I know it feels done to you, but it doesn't feel done to me. I guess because I watched from the outside the last two times, and this all feels like a repeat. I could always be wrong. But I'm feeling it even more now that you've seen him driving by.

 

Knowing the type of person he is, he's very secure with his decisions and doesn't go back on them easily, I don't see this resolving like it did any of the previous times. This is not me telling myself this for self protection, this is me being realistic. It's over and all I'm left with is this emptiness and sadness.

I'm pretty sure you said this exact same thing the last couple of times. I say this not to diminish your feelings at all, but to show that even though you felt so very sure about it during the previous breakups, he still did make contact and want to get back together. Our feelings are not always fact. I know it feels very much like he made a rational decision and is going to stick to it, and it feels like it's over and it feels hopeless. But those are just feelings, not facts. I hate that you're having to go through this and feel this way, multiple times

 

The past few days, I've been feeling like I just need to give this whole thing up, give it to the breeze, and not care.

 

I want to let go of everything and let things happen the way theyre supposed to.

 

It would feel very peaceful to achieve that mindset, wouldn't it? To just let go and have faith that whatever happens, it will be for the best. To give up the need to have control over anything. I imagine adopting this mindset and then breathing a huge sigh of relief, knowing that you don't have to do anything at all but just be. Whatever happens will happen, and you'll deal with it as it comes. Maybe you can focus on these kinds of thoughts when you're doing yoga or meditation. Just like with any other thoughts, the more we repeat something to ourselves, the more we feel and believe it. I need to reach this same place of contentment with just letting go, as well.

 

I can try to fill that void with things to keep myself busy and productive, but its only temporary.

I think I probably typed this exact same sentence on my thread at some point - so I know what you mean, and how you feel. You asked me a little while ago if I feel that anything has gotten better 7 months out, or something of that nature, because you were worried about feeling the way you're feeling for a really long time. I think I may have been in a somewhat depressed state of mind when I answered, if I recall correctly. But I wanted to tell you that even though I still miss him, even though I still have all the negative thoughts, even though I still feel bothered by things, and even get really depressed one or two days a week, and even though I feel like you feel with the "what's the point" mentality that we were talking about earlier... it's still sooooo much better than it was, and so much better than what you're feeling now. It DOES get better. You WILL be okay one day, even if he doesn't come back. I know it doesn't feel like it right now; believe me, I know. But you will get through this. I really just wanted to offer you a little hope, because when I was a month out like you are now, I felt like I was in the deepest hole I could possibly be in. And I know you feel like that. But over time, it gets a little better and a little better. Just keep hanging in there, and please be patient with yourself.

 

Let me post this and then write some more.

[lostlove76]

I totally understand how you're feeling and when you don't see him on, you assume he is with someone. I am wondering, if after the few times we have discussed it here, are you able to interrupt your thoughts and say...hmm..maybe this isn't so, I don't really know, it could be a coincidence or are you just very sure in your thinking? The reason why I ask is because you have reminded me quite a few times that I don't really know for sure what is going on and since then, I often tell myself, when I see that he hasn't been online for a little while, that I'm just jumping to conclusions. I often tell myself that my conclusions are silly. I'm basing it off nothing...virtually nothing. I still come up with conclusions, but that is normal when you are apart from someone..you wonder what they are doing and who they are with.

 

To answer your question, "I am wondering, if after the few times we have discussed it here, are you able to interrupt your thoughts and say...hmm..maybe this isn't so, I don't really know, it could be a coincidence or are you just very sure in your thinking?"

This is hard to describe, but it's kind of both at the same time. Like I do feel completely almost 100% sure that they're together. I feel like even though what I've seen is minimal, it's enough to make the conclusion, just knowing him and how he is as well as the patterns I've seen with both of them and so forth. Yet at the same time, I acknowledge to myself that I can't really be sure, and that maybe I'm wrong. How could it be both like that? So sure, and yet also knowing it could be a coincidence? Like literally at the same time, I feel these two things. Or maybe the two thoughts flip-flop back and forth so fast that it just feels like I'm thinking two contradictory thoughts at the same time. I don't know if that even begins to make sense, what I'm saying. It barely makes sense to me. But somehow, I feel a little calmer about it all (just a little), and I honestly have you to thank for that. It really helps me so much when you remind me that my thinking may be off, or that maybe I'm jumping to conclusions with little basis. Maybe it's subconsciously had an affect on me, even when my conscious mind is telling me they're together. Or maybe my way of thinking is changing due to your reminders, little by little, slowly but surely. Once or twice, I've actually repeated it to myself (the things you've said, that there have been no sure signs that they're close), and it does help. Bolt, you also told me the same a few pages ago when I first learned of the new girl, which helped also and I thank you as well! This is a great place, isn't it? Sometimes it might take a while to realize that what everyone is saying has gotten through, but it really does get through, even if gradually, or even if it takes a while to actually *hear* something that is being said.