Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[lostlove76]

I do fear the weekends. Of course I've come up with this story in my head about the weekends. I was thinking that maybe the married woman had her children this weekend and that is why she wasn't able to come visit and maybe she next weekend she will. Ohh, I better stop there. What's going to happen is going to happen. If it's meant to be, he'll find his way back to me on his own.

As I was reading this, it occurred to me that we make the evidence fit the crime (I think I'm using the right saying there). We form a worst-case theory in our minds, and if the facts/clues don't fit, then we just make up new ones. You know he most likely hasn't been with her yet, but you're so sure it's going to happen that your mind came up with some new idea to fit in with your story. I'm just pointing it out to you because I know how quickly it can become completely believable. But you stopped yourself mid-thought there, and that's good. That's what you (and myself as well) should be doing in order not to get too carried away with the negative thoughts. Stop them as soon as you notice what you're doing. Because carrying out the story til the end only leaves you more depressed, for no good reason since the story is most likely inaccurate. I need to take my own advice there, too.

 

I just thought of a Rascal Flatts song...These Days. If you know this song...that's my mood for today.

Great song. I remembering listening to it about a thousand times at once point in the past when I was upset about a different guy. I know what mood you mean. What Hurts the Most is another great one by them; Aaron Lewis does a beautiful cover of that one, as well, btw. Do you ever just sit and listen to sad songs for hours? It helps me at times. It's cathartic in some way.

 

Sometimes I even question if things were really that difficult, but then I have to remind myself everyone has different tolerance levels.

So so soooo very true. You are right, everyone does have different tolerance levels. He doesn't seem to be able to handle conflict very well before he emails another woman or breaks up with you. That isn't your fault. There are guys out there who are so laid back that your behavior wouldn't even phase them. And I hate to say this, because the way he treats you makes me mad, but his tolerance levels aren't exactly his fault either; some people just can't handle too much stress, for whatever reasons. I know, because I'm one of them. So maybe this is simply a case of incompatibility, like someone commented here recently. Not your fault, not his fault, but just personalities clashing.

[lostlove76]

This silence is hurting me and as more time goes by, it hurts more and more. I just don't understand how anyone could allow this much time to pass if you still have feelings for someone. That is why I question if he actually does love me each and every time we go through this. I guess he could be thinking the same of me. Very similar to your situation lostlove.

Yes, exactly. There is silence all around. When you really think about it, you're doing the exact same thing to him as he is doing to you. You're BOTH being silent. Neither one of you is reaching out. By all appearances, both of you gave up. You and I both know that you haven't really given up, because you still want to work this out. We know what is in your heart and your head. But he doesn't know that. All he knows is that you told him you never wanted to speak to him again, and then you didn't answer when he called. And please know that I'm not faulting you for that; I would have done the very same thing, and you had good reasons for doing so. But on his side, this is all he knows - that you got angry and then went silent. For all we know, he could be thinking it's your turn to reach out first since he went first the last two times. We just don't know what's in his head. But silence does not always equate to not caring, because look at you, and look at me. We both went so silent that all they've heard is crickets, but here we sit, caring so much it hurts. So you just never know what someone is thinking when there is no communication.

[lostlove76]

That's why I hate when people say things like "why are you so sad? Compare your life to others and their problems.." This doesn't help. Yes, maybe it makes you feel slightly grateful and less alone for a short while, but no matter how big or small, a problem seems the worst when we're experiencing it.

cdnjc, I totally agree with you here. It is so invalidating when people try to minimize your problems just because others may have it relatively worse. I'm sure they mean well when they say it, of course, and they're just trying to help. But when someone is experiencing a sadness of their own, they're completely immersed in it. It's very real to them at that time, and that is all that matters. A really good friend of mine told me a few months ago, "You're not the only one in this world with problems." She may not have meant it like it sounded, but I was pretty offended and just haven't talked to her much since. Never let anyone make you feel like your sadness is silly.

 

You don't have to thank me. I want to help you. I have so much experience with this and I know how bad it sucks. It prevents me from enjoying anything - I can't eat, I can't sleep - I sleep in sporadic measures such as an hour here and there and wake up to the same nightmare. It sucks. I have dreams that me and the person are together and dreams that we never will be. It is very haunting.

I can tell from your posts that you're a very sweet person, and I'm sorry to hear that you're going through the same thing. It seems like those with the biggest hearts end up getting hurt the most. I'm glad you've joined the thread; you seem to have a lot of wisdom and comfort to offer, which is exactly what ksol needs right now.

[lostlove76]

By the way, I am a female. I am also a gay female. Hope that doesn't change your view of me

 

I'm commenting in order of reading, so ksol has probably already replied to this. I'm confident that she feels the same when I say that it doesn't matter! Not at all

[lostlove76]

The hardest part of moving on is closing the door on reconciliation. Keeping the possibility open in your mind makes moving on very difficult if not impossible.

 

So much truth here. That's exactly why I myself keep hanging on, 7 months later. Because I'm wide open for reconciliation (if certain circumstances were met). Same with ksol. She's not ready to let go, she still wants it to work. I don't know how one decides that there will be no more chances, if that's not what they feel in their heart. I've tried so hard to force myself not to want him back, and I can tell you that it doesn't work. i obviously have very good reasons why I shouldn't want him back, but it doesn't override what I feel. I know that it's the same for ksol. How do you close the door when you want so badly for him to walk through it?

[lostlove76]

I think it's an excellent way to avoid living life.

 

I mean, you can't possibly try to meet other men when you love HIM! And you can't try to do things that make you happy because having a man in your life is what makes you happy. You can't have a man in your life because you love HIM. So, in your mind you've concluded you are to remain unhappy for the rest of your life.

 

It's a circular thing.

 

And this mindset gives you permission to do literally nothing.

 

Such a good point, huh? It's a way to remain in the safe zone. It's "safe" to remain stuck in one place rather than risk anything new. The devil you know is better than the one you don't, or however that saying goes. You should be a therapist, bolt A lot of you should.

 

I'm sorry that I haven't replied to the wonderful posts about my own situation yet, btw, from a few days ago. I realized that I'm probably avoiding it because it requires focusing on myself, and for whatever reason, I don't like to do that. The words that come to mind are dull and tedious when it comes to focusing on just me and not him. I'm sure that statement is pretty telling. I know I do need to face it all at some point.

[lostlove76]

How do you care and love someone and then one day just put a stop to it all? Then pretend like that person never existed? I'm really upset with him for that...and to think this is not the first time he has done this to me? I know I should just let it all go. It's over now, but no matter what I have going on in my life at the moment, I am deeply hurt by that. It has been 3 weeks of complete silence.

This is the worst part of all of it, isn't it? Worse than anything else he's done, worse than simply missing him. Feeling like you meant nothing and that you're easily discardable is the biggest torture of all. And here you're being made to feel that way by the one person you love more than anything. Your feelings of hurt and betrayal are completely valid. Just please try to remind yourself what I said earlier... that silence does not always equate to not caring. We know that it felt this same way the last two times, yet he was in fact thinking about you and he did indeed care. And you yourself care deeply, yet you are just as silent. I'll say it again, though... even if he has reasons for being silent that are anything other than being done and not caring, it's still making you feel as low as you can get, and that's not okay.

[lostlove76]

I think I'm all caught up and didn't miss anything. Sorry to bombard you with so many posts all at once; I tried to keep them a bit shorter so as not to overwhelm you. Please don't feel like you have to reply to everything. I know you've been saying you need a break, and that's perfectly okay to feel that way. I know I feel guilty at times when I don't reply to every point about my own situation, so I figured you might be feeling that way too. Just letting you know that it's okay. This should be a place of comfort and not pressure.

 

Real quick about my thing. I haven't seen anything new on the new girl's page. He changed his cover photo yesterday, and I feel like he was trying to get someone's attention since he's only changed it twice during the entire time I've known him. It was a sunrise picture, so maybe he was trying to get new girl's attention since hers was also a sunrise picture that he commented on with the smiley a few days ago. But maybe not. It was a really pretty picture, so maybe he just felt like putting it there. New girl didn't like it, nor did the ex, nor did the married woman. So I don't really know what he's up to. I guess I'm feeling somewhat content with that for the moment. I was in a decent mood today and didn't stress over him at all. I'm wondering if it's because my stress was shifted to the phone issues yesterday, and then when that was resolved, I just felt kind of okay. It took my attention off of him. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow or next week, but right now I feel decently okay.

 

As always, I hope you're getting some sleep right now. I know this is a really hard time for you, and it may be awhile before you start to have moments of feeling okay. But it will eventually come, a little at a time, and then more often. Like you were saying before, just allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you're feeling. The sadness will one day pass, even though it doesn't feel like it. And you'll be so much stronger on the other side. Hugs

[Ksol9]

Good morning lostlove, thank you for all that you wrote. I woke up a little while ago and read everything. There were a couple things that jumped out at me that I wanted to comment on before I have to get ready for work. I'll try to catch up with responding later on.

 

Real quick about my thing. I haven't seen anything new on the new girl's page. He changed his cover photo yesterday, and I feel like he was trying to get someone's attention since he's only changed it twice during the entire time I've known him. It was a sunrise picture, so maybe he was trying to get new girl's attention since hers was also a sunrise picture that he commented on with the smiley a few days ago. But maybe not. It was a really pretty picture, so maybe he just felt like putting it there. New girl didn't like it, nor did the ex, nor did the married woman. So I don't really know what he's up to. I guess I'm feeling somewhat content with that for the moment. I was in a decent mood today and didn't stress over him at all. I'm wondering if it's because my stress was shifted to the phone issues yesterday, and then when that was resolved, I just felt kind of okay. It took my attention off of him. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow or next week, but right now I feel decently okay.

 

The first thing I thought about when I read this was during both times him and I split, he would post photos of sunsets. He told me afterward, it was because he felt sad. The reason I say this is because sometimes when you are at place in your life whether it's a transitional, sad, happy, or just grateful place you appreciate the beauty of things. Things like sunsets, sunrises, etc.It could be just about anything going on in his life, but I think you pointed out something that caught my attention...none of the women you've been worrying about liked or commented. If he is exclusibely getting serious with anyone of them, they would like or comment. I might sound silly. My thoughts and the message I'm trying to convey are still a little fuzzy, but hopefully you understand.

 

Hopefully I snap out of this fog I've been in the past couple days.

 

The second thing I wanted to comment on:

 

So so soooo very true. You are right, everyone does have different tolerance levels. He doesn't seem to be able to handle conflict very well before he emails another woman or breaks up with you. That isn't your fault. There are guys out there who are so laid back that your behavior wouldn't even phase them. And I hate to say this, because the way he treats you makes me mad, but his tolerance levels aren't exactly his fault either; some people just can't handle too much stress, for whatever reasons. I know, because I'm one of them.

 

My therapist said something to me yesterday that really validated what I've been feeling about how he handles conflict. He said...a man who truly cares about you, will TRY his very hardest in the kindest and softest way possible to find out what is beneath your anger, fear, or frustrations. He won't make excuses, he won't treat you as though what you feel doesn't matter, he will listen. He definitely has some things that are seriously wrong with him.

 

If I found difficulty in dea ling with those things, what woman would tolerate that? I may not always recognize my self worth, so what about a woman that does? She'd be long gone. She wouldn't have stayed half as long as I did. It all goes back to self respect. If I respected myself I would have changed the way I reacted to him and I would not have allowed him to treat me that way. That is the number one reason why I felt like he didn't care about me. He was too frustrated to handle any conflict in a constructive way. He handles it, like you said, by seeking attention from other women and breaking up. So disrespectful!

 

With that being said, no one is perfect. We all come with our own set of behaviors and problems.mysrlf included.the difference between him and I is that I recognize my faults. I acknowledge them therefore there is a great possibility for change. I don't know that he does? Does he recognize his faults? It takes one person to motivate change. I may never get answers to my questions. We may never reopen communication. My therapist keeps telling me that when faced with a problem like mine, it's better to stand still, let the dust settle, let your emotions stabilize..do nothing.

[Ksol9]

Yes you have been in this situation before and it's easier to see by someone like me who read it all in 4 days than someone who has been dealing with it. I always repeat the same things when I'm in these situations as well. Even before the situation changes and then goes back to the same again. I think we do this because we're hoping for some magical "curable" answer that doesn't seem to exist, sadly. It will always feel like the first time. We never get used to this kind of hurt. We just seem to gain better strategies to deal with it. That's why I hate when people say things like "why are you so sad? Compare your life to others and their problems.." This doesn't help.

 

Just as lostlove also pointed out, I guess it's easier to see things from the outside. When it's your own situation, it's hard to take a good look at things because you are experiencing it first hand. It does feel like the first time and the hardest time and I think no matter how much time passes, we just learn how to deal. It doesn't go away so easily. There is no "Easy" solution.

 

You believe he has reached him limit, but you believed it just as much before, it just seems distant because those times are in the past. I'm not saying he'll definitely reach out, but he might. Are you holding on to this? How would you feel if you knew 100% he wouldn't ever try again? You'd suffer more now, but you'd have the closure you need. I know how important NC is, but how effective is it if you still have the hope, especially based on his timing and patterns? This is the hardest thing to do, and I never can (I just don't stalk), but can you block him? This way you won't be expecting a message or call and if he sends one you never know. If you're unwilling to do this, it's because you still have hope and want to see if he contacts. This is totally understandable.

 

Yes, I do believe he has reached his limit. I thought so he last time and the time before that. There will come a point where the last time will be the last time and I believe this was the last straw. He doesn't want to deal with these kinds of issues. He doesn't have the heart in him to put in the effort to make it work. He won't put in the least bit of effort that a relationship needs to thrive. If he was unwilling to do it before, what will change now. I'm holding on to the face that I love him. Love doesn't just die. I am aware that this could go either way and I'm fighting my hardest to be prepared for both. Whether he decides that the relationship is what he wants or doesn't want is up to him. I can't force or coerce him into making that decision. I think a lot of people here on the board believe I should walk away and wait for someone who is more compatible, but I too, have followed patterns regarding relationships. I have so much work to do on myself in order to have a chance a success in any relationship.

 

You said you have a lot of experience with this. I'd like to here more about your experience with these patterns, the on and off..etc.

 

I've got to head back into work. I'll write more later. Talk soon.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I hope you're feeling a little bit better today. I just started my time of month, and I have cramps and just feel icky. I haven't eaten anything yet today, either, so starting to feel a little sick. I just wanted to pop in and say hi for now, and will try to write more in a little while. You made some really interesting points in your post. I will comment on them later. Gah, not to complain, but I seriously hate everything about this time of month! Do you notice your anxiety getting worse when you're on yours? I'm not having anxiety right now, but I've noticed it before and just wondered if you experience the same. Sorry that this is such a short post, but I'll be back, and will keep checking to see if you've written anything. I hope your day is going smoothly

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I hope you're feeling a little bit better today. I just started my time of month, and I have cramps and just feel icky. I haven't eaten anything yet today, either, so starting to feel a little sick. I just wanted to pop in and say hi for now, and will try to write more in a little while. You made some really interesting points in your post. I will comment on them later. Gah, not to complain, but I seriously hate everything about this time of month! Do you notice your anxiety getting worse when you're on yours? I'm not having anxiety right now, but I've noticed it before and just wondered if you experience the same. Sorry that this is such a short post, but I'll be back, and will keep checking to see if you've written anything. I hope your day is going smoothly

 

Oh yes, I notice I get super emotional about a week before. I guess I could throw extra anxiety in there as well. Is there anything for that? I always feel like my hormones are out of whack around that time. Lol.

 

I'm doing ok today, but I'm still feeling really disappointed about the whole situation with him. I keep thinking about life is going on and there are so many things he is missing out on. ive been trying to shake myself into the reality that he's gone. I still hope for him to turn this around, but I quickly shoot it down.

 

Sorry you're not feeling too well. Maybe after you eat, you'll feel better. I'm going to grab something to eat as well. I'll talk to you soon.

[lostlove76]

These cramps are killing me. I've just been laying in the bed all day. I always have difficult periods, but don't usually get cramps.

 

You sound like you're doing a little bit better today? Not quite as depressed? I think this is the first day you've said you were doing okay, so that's good to hear I know you're not completely okay, but even kind of okay beats deeply depressed. Maybe you'll start having some days when things aren't quite as bad.

 

With that being said, no one is perfect. We all come with our own set of behaviors and problems.mysrlf included.the difference between him and I is that I recognize my faults. I acknowledge them therefore there is a great possibility for change. I don't know that he does? Does he recognize his faults?

I could be wrong, but I don't imagine that guys think about things the same way we do. I don't think they sit down and explore their inner selves and fully consider the ways in which they need to change. They may be aware on some level that what they're doing isn't working, but that might be as far as it gets. I wish we had a guy on this thread who could explain their minds to us! Sometimes they seem like a whole other species. JustinPonders, are you around?? I know that you have owned up to your faults and we're ready to make changes, which is wonderful, but I'm not sure all guys think that deeply (

 

My therapist keeps telling me that when faced with a problem like mine, it's better to stand still, let the dust settle, let your emotions stabilize..do nothing.

This is most likely what he is doing, too. He probably doesn't know what to think, or how to handle things. So he just does nothing. And that's why it took so long for him to reach out the past two times.

 

I need to switch to my laptop, so hang on a minute and I'm going to hit edit and add to this post. One sec

[Ksol9]

I don't know what happened. I went downstairs to get something to eat and to take a little breather. I watched some tv and as I was walking back upstairs to go to my bedroom, I began to cry. I knew this was coming. I felt these emotions underneath somewhere, I was trying to ignore it. I keep thinking about how foolish I am being. This man has no feelings. Those last few days....we were like strangers. He doesn't have any feelings left for me and here I am after 3 weeks still crying over this man who has probably gone on with his life. He is alone..no children, of course he is going to enjoy it and make the best of it. I think the reality of that just hit me in the face. I'm just so unhappy.

 

I agree with everything you said. That sounds so much like him. Over the years, I've observed how he handles conflicts or any difficult matters. He will do some thinking, but for the most part, he will just find ways to avoid thinking about it too long. I don't even think he is thinking about me. I try to put myself in his shoes. If I was in a relationship that was causing me turmoil and I felt I didn't have a future with that person. Now that it is over, I would be relieved and I wouldn't be thinking about that person or missing them. I'd just be enjoying my freedom. He's a guy and an unemotional one too. There have been signs he is thinking about me or will contact again like the other times. There is no reason for me to be holding on. I shouldn't be missing him, but I am. I feel like I haven't seen or spoken to him in ages. I wish there was some way I could just let him go and release him from my heart. He may have someone new, he may be enjoying his new lifestyle..who knows. I feel like such a fool.

 

I'm having such a rough time right now.

[lostlove76]

I missed the 30-minute window to edit my post, oops. Here's the rest of it:

 

The first thing I thought about when I read this was during both times him and I split, he would post photos of sunsets. He told me afterward, it was because he felt sad. The reason I say this is because sometimes when you are at place in your life whether it's a transitional, sad, happy, or just grateful place you appreciate the beauty of things. Things like sunsets, sunrises, etc.

Now that you say this, I remember you talking about this before, about the sunsets. How interesting! I'm trying to think if I do the same thing, if I notice them more when I'm experiencing intense emotions whether happy or sad. Maybe I do.

 

It could be just about anything going on in his life, but I think you pointed out something that caught my attention...none of the women you've been worrying about liked or commented. If he is exclusibely getting serious with anyone of them, they would like or comment. I might sound silly. My thoughts and the message I'm trying to convey are still a little fuzzy, but hopefully you understand.

I actually totally agree with you here. I KNOW that the ex would have liked or commented if they were talking much, because she was all over his page every other time they were talking, liking things immediately and sharing posts and commenting on everything. This new girl, if they were serious, it seems like she would have returned the favor with a like or comment since he commented on hers. And married woman would surely like it, since where he lives is her favorite town. The grandmother actually did like it, which surprises me, because I thought he probably totally screwed her over and she would be upset with him. Maybe they're back to hanging out, who knows. It's pure craziness that he has SO MANY WOMEN always on the horizon. It's pathetic and disgusting. No wonder I never felt secure when we were together. He always has backups floating around. I was thinking about it earlier, and he's added all his previous flings and exes back to facebook, with the exception of only one or two (one woman he didn't add was someone he had a fling with while her husband was in jail years ago... he didn't add her back as a friend, but he added her husband! total craziness). Sorry, getting pissed off thinking about all of this.

 

My therapist said something to me yesterday that really validated what I've been feeling about how he handles conflict. He said...a man who truly cares about you, will TRY his very hardest in the kindest and softest way possible to find out what is beneath your anger, fear, or frustrations. He won't make excuses, he won't treat you as though what you feel doesn't matter, he will listen. He definitely has some things that are seriously wrong with him.

I think this is true for well-adjusted, mature men, but what about men who have emotional issues? Those who are emotionally unavailable, or can't handle conflict. I'm just not sure it's as black and white as saying that if a man loves you, he will always do this or that. I'm not trying to confuse you, and I know your therapist knows what he's talking about. I'm just not sure if I personally agree. Just exploring the idea here. Also, when people get comfortable, they will take someone for granted at times and not do the things that they *should* be doing. They let their personality out, the good the bad and the ugly. So for someone who can't handle conflict, and someone who is comfortable with you, he may not try so much, and it doesn't mean that he doesn't care. That's just my thinking, but I could be wrong.

 

He was too frustrated to handle any conflict in a constructive way. He handles it, like you said, by seeking attention from other women and breaking up. So disrespectful!

I do agree with this, though!!! There's a difference between not doing something (not trying in a gentle way to understand where you're coming from) and doing something that is completely wrong, and like you said, disrespectful. Not being able to handle conflict doesn't give someone the right to cheat.

 

I think a lot of people here on the board believe I should walk away and wait for someone who is more compatible

It's just so hard to walk away when your heart wants what it wants. Logically, yes, we all know (including you) that this guy is not good for you. But when you love someone, emotion wins out over logic. So unfortunate, really. It would save us a lot of heartache if we could just turn the emotions down several notches and proceed with what we know is best for us.

 

I'll check back in in a little while. Sorry if I seem grumpy I hope you're having a relaxing evening Talk more soon

[lostlove76]

I don't know what happened. I went downstairs to get something to eat and to take a little breather. I watched some tv and as I was walking back upstairs to go to my bedroom, I began to cry. I knew this was coming. I felt these emotions underneath somewhere, I was trying to ignore it. I keep thinking about how foolish I am being. This man has no feelings. Those last few days....we were like strangers. He doesn't have any feelings left for me and here I am after 3 weeks still crying over this man who has probably gone on with his life. He is alone..no children, of course he is going to enjoy it and make the best of it. I think the reality of that just hit me in the face. I'm just so unhappy.

 

I agree with everything you said. That sounds so much like him. Over the years, I've observed how he handles conflicts or any difficult matters. He will do some thinking, but for the most part, he will just find ways to avoid thinking about it too long. I don't even think he is thinking about me. I try to put myself in his shoes. If I was in a relationship that was causing me turmoil and I felt I didn't have a future with that person. Now that it is over, I would be relieved and I wouldn't be thinking about that person or missing them. I'd just be enjoying my freedom. He's a guy and an unemotional one too. There have been signs he is thinking about me or will contact again like the other times. There is no reason for me to be holding on. I shouldn't be missing him, but I am. I feel like I haven't seen or spoken to him in ages. I wish there was some way I could just let him go and release him from my heart. He may have someone new, he may be enjoying his new lifestyle..who knows. I feel like such a fool.

 

I'm having such a rough time right now.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way Maybe something about nighttime triggers it for you, because I remember this happening several days ago as well. You were fairly okay, and then nighttime came and you started having a lot of anxiety, if I recall correctly.

 

You're not a fool, ksol. Everything you're feeling and experiencing is completely normal for someone in your position. And we really don't know what's going on in his head. You can't say for certain that he isn't thinking about you. Remember that you felt this exact same way the last times, too. You say there have been no signs this time, but he did try to call the once (I know it's been awhile, but since you didn't answer he probably decided not to try again... just like you told me about mine). And he did drive by your job. I know it isn't much, but I do see both of those things as signs. I'm not trying to give you false hope. We can't ever be certain about what another individual will do, especially when there's zero communication to go by. But I don't believe that he doesn't care, and I don't believe that he's not thinking about you. Also, remember that feelings of loss can hit men and avoidant types much later than it hits us. They might feel fine for a little while, and then bam, they're feeling it.

 

Just let yourself cry. Try to get some sleep, and start over again tomorrow. Sometimes that's all you can do. Please write more if you need to. I'll keep checking throughout the night.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm getting in the bed soon, but just wanted to check in and say I hope you're okay. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day for you. Hope you get some sleep. Hugs.

[Nina95]

The hardest part of moving on is closing the door on reconciliation. Keeping the possibility open in your mind makes moving on very difficult if not impossible.

 

Hi everyone. Similar to cdnjc99, I have also spent the last few days reading through these stories (Ksol's and LostLove's). I truly feel for you both, I can empathize, like so many others on here, I have been through this. You might truly believe your situation is so unique (we all do when we are going through it) and that the rest of us cannot possibly understand, but we do. Most people on this forum have been heartbroken more than once.

 

I feel many people here have already given excellent advice with a high level of clarity, wisdom and eloquence I could never reach (Ms. Darcy, BEG, Boltnrun,etc), I would echo every single word they've written here. But, hoping that you will not take this badly, I would like to focus completely (these posters have mentioned them too, but I would like to stress them) on 2 technical items that I feel you need to be proactive about if you are serious about getting back your lives and get busy living this very limited time we have on Earth:

 

Block all communication with these men right now and deactivate Facebook (and Instagram and the likes where you might spy on them). The rest: all the other steps to adjust your mindset, to occupy your mind, to get busy living, working, exercising, and just moving on, all of this will happen gradually and you will go through a non-linear process towards recovery. But these 2 very specific actions need to happen right now in your particular cases (like they did in my case); they help tremendously with the obsessing and will represent a definitive step towards letting go. The relief, the release, will be immense.

 

Seriously.

 

Block number, block contact on whatsapp, then delete contact from phone.

I could spend hours telling you about the person and relationship I wasted almost 1 year of my life thinking about/grieving for, after the breakup. And how he, so shamelessly, and knowing full well how he had hurt me with his lies and womanizing, all that time during our relationship he had me walking on eggshells and insecure, doubting myself, blaming myself, so confused. When he decided to end things, I learned later that he got together with an ex of his. Even while he was with this girl, he still dared to contact me, to text me every 2-3 months of silence, saying he missed me, or with the excuse of wanting to know how I was, and some other things I wont go into much detail...these were all breadcrumbs disguised as concern and good intentions, ego boosts, curiosity. They want to know we would still be responsive, even after all they've done, all the disrespect and cold-heartedness, that we will still be there and respond. If you don't literally block number, if any of these men get to contact you again for whatever reason (breadcrumbs, read all about the "breadcrumbs" on ENA, and be shocked at how the patterns repeat themselves over and over again across all people and relationships! I am yet to find an exception!), if they get to contact you again after months, this will set you back if you haven't moved on completely. I haven't spoken to this guy since 2012, the year our relationship ended and the year when I blocked him. Still, even as recent as last summer, I learned from a mutual friend, that he had been asking about me. If he has been asking mutual friends, he probably knows I have been with someone else for a while now. I know he doesnt care, he is shameless. But I have blocked any and all ways of communication since 2012 (btw, also block/spam email! he emailed me once with some petty "Hey! Long time no talk! How are you?"), and they will all remain blocked, even if now I'm certain that if I see him I will not even flinch (I have reached that stage of "omg how could I be so obsessed with that dude lol"), even so, I am firm in my decision of not wanting this person in my life, in any way, not even as a friend, he proved himself to be an untrustworthy person, I am not friends with people like this. He is not my enemy either, I don't hate him at all and wish him a good life. If I see him down the street tomorrow and our paths cross, I will greet him if he acknowledges me. If he played dumb, I would do the same. Simply because I wouldn't care to engage in conversation, we are not friends and have nothing to talk about.

 

Ksol: look at what you've been through already, how many times now? Like someone else said before, it is not the end of the relationship, it is the relationship! You know how toxic it is, how unhappy you are when yo are in it. You know you cannot go back to that, it cannot be fixed like you all have discussed over and over in previous posts. Imagine, 4 months from now, you are calmer, in a better place, but still vulnerable, still thinking about the guy from time to time (NOT because he is the love of your life, that he is not, but because the memories, the attachment, have not worn off completely)... imagine getting a text, a call, randomly... your heart racing, breathless, everything coming back. The temptation will be too great not to respond. It will set you back all over again, back to day 1, if and when the contact doesn't end well, and you end up crawling on the floor crying, crying yourself to sleep, sleepless nights. No. You can't let this happen to you again. Be kind to yourself. I know you will not move on just like that, but if you are not proactive and if you dont help yourself, no therapist or anyone will be able to do squat.

 

Block the contact on Facebook (also contacts of whatever women you are spying on), then deactivate Facebook. Make it your daily goal to not log back on at least until you are FULLY recovered (if it's years then years), until you have reached the point where BrownEyedGirl is at right now: she sees the guy and wonders "geez what was I thinking.." She feels nothing. Until you reach that point (at least), Facebook is the devil incarnate and you ought to stay away from it. Do not use the excuse of keeping in touch with your other friends and family. This is not the time for you to use FB, and trust me your close friends and family will understand and commend you for this decision. You all can keep in touch like we all used to before the FB hell came along. If you want to share pics with them or news, use whatsapp, email, text. Facebook hurt me so bad for so long, or rather, I let it hurt me for so long, that even now that I am in a happy relationship of almost 4 years, and 5 years after the debacle of the guy who wronged me (which I allowed), I have not been back on Facebook once, not once. I made it my daily goal not to re-activate, then days, weeks, months went by and I forgot about it, it was off my mind. I got busy with other stuff. I don't miss it and dont feel the need for it. Simply. Some people, like us I feel, some people just cant handle a medium like Facebook, it plays with some people's insecurities, fears and weaknesses more than others. And at least at this specific stage you two are at, it is a very bad tool.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone, thank you for your posts lostlove and lovenc. I will try to write later on today.

 

I woke up this a little bit ago from another bad dream. I'm reminding myself that this is apart of the process. This breakupi is no different from any other. Just as many of you have said, I need to let go and do what I need to do to move on with my life. No use spending time angry and confused over someone who could care less and is carrying on with his life as usual.

 

I almost feel bad to talk about what I see on Facebook because so many of you have told me I shouldn't be looking at all. I have been able to stop myself from looking constantly, have been reading more to keep busy, I've even been able to take breaks to watch tv. I don't think I'm at a point where I can block him from every avenue and deactivate Facebook. I'm just not that strong I guess or maybe I haven't reached that point. I still love him very much. I'm moving on without wanting to. I moved out without wanting to. I'm not contacting him even if I want to. I has been 3 weeks since this happened and maybe I should be further along than where I am. I'm very receptive to what everyone has said here on the board.

 

This type of suffering that I've gone through now 3 times in one year is just ridiculous. It's not working and that's why him and I ended up where we are right now. I believe he has realized this before I've been able to come to terms with that fact. I don't think he will even bother to contact me as he knows it's like opening a can of worms. His main reason for ending the relationship was because he no longer wanted to deal with worms. He's focused on work and I don't think a serious relationship is on his mind. Of course I hope things were different, I still hope this would turn around, but is that realistic? No. I'm very well aware I may never hear from him again. My focus is on the future and recovering from this dark time in my life, but a big part of me, a big part of my heart is still holding on to him.

 

I don't feel any better waking up today. I'm still in a state of confusion and I can't tell you about what exactly. I'm just not in the best mood. I want to be alone. I have this very dark cloud hovering over me.

 

Thank you both again for writing. I'll be back later to write. Lostlove, I hope you're doing well.

[Ksol9]

I just re-read my post and all I sense is all sorts of negative. I'm sorry about that. I should be thankful for another day. Thankful for all that I have. Just plain thankful.

 

I'm going to try to pay attention to that rather than my heartbreak worries today. Have a great day everyone!

[Ksol9]

I'm having such a rough day today and as I thought it wouldn't get any worse, I saw him today. I stopped in one of our other office locations to check on the employees as I normally do. I looked out the window and there he was washing his car. The car wash is right across from us. I was very surprised to see him there because I figured he wouldn't come anywhere near our businesses especially if he sees my car parked outside. I could see him spraying down his truck. I didn't want to stand around waiting for him to leave so I walked out to head to my car. As I'm walking out to my car he jumps in his truck and exits the same time I am. I froze. Here we both are trying to turn onto the same road. I turned my head facing forward so he wouldn't think I was looking in his direction. I had to look that way for traffic but I just kept a standstill until he pulled out onto the road and drove right past me. We couldn't avoid eachother. He knows I saw him and he saw me.

 

This just goes to show me he doesn't have a care in the world. He could care less if he runs into me. If he did, he wouldn't go near our locations. He would go to another car wash. He drives right in front of me like we don't know eachother..like what we had meant nothing. He's just going about his life like I was nothing. That's how I take all of this.

 

This is the worst. I know love is a risk, but you never think of things like what I am experiencing now when you first meet someone. The aftermath is just hell.

[lostlove76]

I'm having such a rough day today and as I thought it wouldn't get any worse, I saw him today. I stopped in one of our other office locations to check on the employees as I normally do. I looked out the window and I happened to look Out the window and there he was washing his car. The car wash is right across from us. I was very surprised to see him there because I figured he wouldn't come anywhere near our businesses especially if he sees my car parked outside. I could see him spraying down his truck. I didn't want to stand around waiting for him to leave so I walked out to head to my car. As I'm walking out to my car he jumps in his truck and exits the same time I am. I froze. Here we both are trying to turn onto the same road. I turned my head facing forward so he wouldn't think I was looking in his direction. I had to look that way for traffic but I just kept a standstill until he pulled out onto the road and drove right past me. We couldn't avoid eachother. He knows I saw him and he saw me.

 

This just goes to show me he doesn't have a care in the world. He could care less if he runs into me. If he did, he wouldn't go near our locations. He would go to another car wash. He drives right in front of me like we don't know eachother..like what we had meant nothing. He's just going about his life like I was nothing. That's how I take all of this.

 

This is the worst. I know love is a risk, but you never think of things like what I am experiencing now when you first meet someone. The aftermath is just hell.

 

Hi ksol. I'm sorry you're having a rough day. That is not how I would take that situation at all, though. My first thought is that he did it on purpose. Maybe he was driving past, saw your car, and purposely stopped to wash his hoping that you would see him. Then he saw you leaving and hurried to leave as well so that you two would see each other. That would be my first guess, but of course it's all speculation.

 

Also, I'm sure he felt just as you're feeling since you wouldn't look at him or acknowledge him (I would have done the same, not saying that's a bad thing).

 

Exes are known to "accidentally" show up where they know they might run into their ex. It's so common that there are tons of internet articles telling you not to do it.

 

So honestly, that is what I think he was doing! I'm not saying this to try to make you feel better. And maybe I shouldn't say it at all, so as not to give false hope. But that's just my honest take on the situation. I would see this as a good thing, not a bad.

 

Backing up to your first post, please don't ever feel bad about discussing what you've seen on Facebook. Always know that there's at least one person (me) who totally gets why you do it and why you can't stop. I've about gotten to the point where if I need to talk about something I've seen, I just will, and will brush any embarrassment aside. I don't need to feel bad about that on top of how bad I'm already feeling, and neither do you.

 

LoveNC, thank you for your post, glad you are joining in. You sound really caring and intelligent. Like ksol, I'm not ready to block or stop with Facebook, but I still appreciate hearing your thoughts. I know you're right, and I know it's what I "should" do, but I'm just not there yet.

 

I woke up feeling icky (time of month still) and having lots of negative thoughts twirling around in my mind. He wasn't online all day yesterday or last night, and I know he was with new girl. I can't see all of her page activity, but I see that she's constantly adding new page likes. She didn't like anything new the whole time he was MIA. Then this morning I saw him pop on for a minute. And she has liked two new pages. Even worse, one of the pages she liked was for rental properties in the area. They're probably discussing moving in together She seems to live with her sister, and his place is tiny, so they would need a new place. He moves fast, doesn't he? At the beginning of December he was asking married woman when she's coming back, and now a month later he's with his new girl who is already friends with his mom and they're probably talking about getting a place. I know that last part is speculation, but it fits. I'm SO long gone from his mind. This is his 3rd or 4th girl since we stopped talking. He's built up memories and experiences with all of them, replacing any memories he had of me.

 

So, just really not feeling well today. I'm sorry that you aren't either, ksol. I'm going to work in a little while but will keep checking in. Please try not to take this morning as a bad thing. I know it throws you off to see him, but he likely had emotions stirred up by seeing you as well. Hugs, talk soon.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I'm sorry you're having a rough day. That is not how I would take that situation at all, though. My first thought is that he did it on purpose. Maybe he was driving past, saw your car, and purposely stopped to wash his hoping that you would see him. Then he saw you leaving and hurried to leave as well so that you two would see each other. That would be my first guess, but of course it's all speculation.

 

Also, I'm sure he felt just as you're feeling since you wouldn't look at him or acknowledge him (I would have done the same, not saying that's a bad thing).

 

Exes are known to "accidentally" show up where they know they might run into their ex. It's so common that there are tons of internet articles telling you not to do it.

 

So honestly, that is what I think he was doing! I'm not saying this to try to make you feel better. And maybe I shouldn't say it at all, so as not to give false hope. But that's just my honest take on the situation. I would see this as a good thing, not a bad.

 

This crossed my mind...that he wanted me to see him, but I really don't know and probably will never know. The reason why it crossed my mind is because he has been known to do things like this. In the past, he would drive past my job, post things on facebook to try to get a reaction out of me. I don't think he is doing that now, but it did cross my mind. I'm sure it was nothing like that. He's free to come and go and wash his car wherever he wants. I just found it weird because he knows I am in and out in that area and he knew by going there, I would see him. My car was parked in plain sight.

Gosh, now that I'm thinking about it...I hope he didn't think I purposely left at the same time he did so that he would see me. Ughh..

I don't know what that was about, but I take it as he is just living his life and doesn't care about me at all. He pretends as if we never knew eachother. And that hurts.

 

Backing up to your first post, please don't ever feel bad about discussing what you've seen on Facebook. Always know that there's at least one person (me) who totally gets why you do it and why you can't stop. I've about gotten to the point where if I need to talk about something I've seen, I just will, and will brush any embarrassment aside. I don't need to feel bad about that on top of how bad I'm already feeling, and neither do you.

 

Thank you for saying this lostlove. I know everyone here means well and I should not have any fears about what I discuss here on the forum. You are absolutely right about not feeling bad on top of the bad we already feel.

 

LoveNC, thank you for your post, glad you are joining in. You sound really caring and intelligent. Like ksol, I'm not ready to block or stop with Facebook, but I still appreciate hearing your thoughts. I know you're right, and I know it's what I "should" do, but I'm just not there yet.

 

I truly do appreciate each and every person who takes the time to read my story. LoveNC, I appreciate you and others who have commented.

 

I woke up feeling icky (time of month still) and having lots of negative thoughts twirling around in my mind. He wasn't online all day yesterday or last night, and I know he was with new girl. I can't see all of her page activity, but I see that she's constantly adding new page likes. She didn't like anything new the whole time he was MIA. Then this morning I saw him pop on for a minute. And she has liked two new pages. Even worse, one of the pages she liked was for rental properties in the area. They're probably discussing moving in together She seems to live with her sister, and his place is tiny, so they would need a new place. He moves fast, doesn't he? At the beginning of December he was asking married woman when she's coming back, and now a month later he's with his new girl who is already friends with his mom and they're probably talking about getting a place. I know that last part is speculation, but it fits. I'm SO long gone from his mind. This is his 3rd or 4th girl since we stopped talking. He's built up memories and experiences with all of them, replacing any memories he had of me.

 

I'm sorry you're not feeling better today. As for the woman, I'm not sure I'm following properly, but the only time you have ever linked them directly is through the heart like on her sunset photo correct? I know it all looks like it adds up, but please be mindful that it could be nothing like what you're thinking at all. They don't have to be romantically involved. She could be a friend, nothing more. I have male friends who know my parents. They've even added me on facebook. Anyone could come up with the same story that you've come up with about him and this woman. It's ok to explore it as a possibility, but try not to be so conclusive about what you've seen until you've seen something more solid. I could totally see why you've come up with those conclusions though. For example..last night when I looked at his facebook, he posted 2 photos of some work he did at his boss' home. It was a couple pictures of a boat dock on his boss' property. His boss lives in Tampa. I said to myself, wow he must hardly ever be home, he must be in Tampa all the time now that he doesnt have me and the kids..he must be with this married woman for sure. Well, I saw him this morning at the car wash. I could come up with a story and swear it is exactly what is going on. The truth is, we don't know for sure and facebook isn't really a window into someone's life. A glimpse maybe, but we cant draw any conclusions. People post what they want to portray their life as. I'm saying all of these things and I can't take my own advice. Go figure!

 

Anyhow lostlove, I just want this to serve as a reminder and hopefully it will ease your mind a bit. We don't know what is really going on in his life. Yes, he has tried to move on, but this is a man who has yet to find himself in a serious longterm relationship since your relationship with him ended. He is under the impression that you've moved on as well. Maybe one day, your paths will cross or maybe he was meant to be a lesson and nothing more. Whether the case, he is still on your mind and in your heart. I understand your pain all too well. No one knows what is really going on. It has been a good 7 months now and not a word from him. I know you've said to me many times that you would never contact him, but has that changed? I know I shouldn't be encouraging you to break NC and in no way am I doing so, but sometimes I wonder if that will help you to get closure or even get things to a point where you will feel better. I mean..I remember I had an ex and didn't end on the best of terms. I left him and about a year later, I ran into him somewhere. We chatted and even exchanged numbers. He has sent me a couple text messages, sporadically regarding business nothing more. I have no ill feelings toward him and I'm glad we were able to bury the hatchet. I think I remember us having one final conversation about the relationship and we both apologized for hurting eachother and agreed that we have buried the hatchet. It actually brought peace to me. I don't ever want to leave this earth without making amends or being at peace with anyone who I've had some troubled times with. Then again, I'm sure there are others who will beg to differ and will advise to allow bygones to be bygones. To each it's own lostlove. Whatever will bring you peace, I would hope that is the route you choose.

 

I don't know what to make of what happened earlier. I don't know if he was hoping that it would stir something within me by seeing him. Maybe I'm reading too much into it and it was just him washing the truck and couldn't careless if I saw him...who knows. He doesn't know the pain I am in over him. He doesn't know how much I miss him. He doesn't know the internal struggle I am in over this whole situation. It's been 3 weeks and he has yet to say a word to me. I don't believe his decisions were made out of anger and frustration. If they were he would have contacted me to retract all the hurtful things he said to me. I don't see any of that happening..not even signs of it.

[lostlove76]

This crossed my mind...that he wanted me to see him, but I really don't know and probably will never know. The reason why it crossed my mind is because he has been known to do things like this. In the past, he would drive past my job, post things on facebook to try to get a reaction out of me. I don't think he is doing that now, but it did cross my mind. I'm sure it was nothing like that. He's free to come and go and wash his car wherever he wants. I just found it weird because he knows I am in and out in that area and he knew by going there, I would see him. My car was parked in plain sight.

I don't know what to make of what happened earlier. I don't know if he was hoping that it would stir something within me by seeing him. Maybe I'm reading too much into it and it was just him washing the truck and couldn't careless if I saw him...who knows. He doesn't know the pain I am in over him. He doesn't know how much I miss him. He doesn't know the internal struggle I am in over this whole situation. It's been 3 weeks and he has yet to say a word to me. I don't believe his decisions were made out of anger and frustration. If they were he would have contacted me to retract all the hurtful things he said to me. I don't see any of that happening..not even signs of it.

Hi ksol. I had to go to work for a while, and just got home and settled. I really do believe that he most likely went there on purpose. The reason it crossed my mind, just like you said, is because we know he's done similar before. If he really didn't care and was moving on with life, I think he would have gone somewhere where he would not have run into you, if for no other reason than just not wanting to deal with the possibility of it happening. He could easily have gone somewhere else, I'm sure, or at some other time. Yet he just happened to be there while you were checking in at your job location. Too much of a coincidence, I think, for it not to have been his intention. And then he just happened to be leaving as you were leaving. What are the odds, ya know? When my guy lived here, there were times when I would drive up and down the main road hoping to see him, just for some sense of what he was up to (these were during times when I was worried about things). His road is almost right across the street from my neighborhood. I managed to see him several times when that was my intention, because I correctly guessed when he might be running out for beer or whatever. But in the whole two years we were on/off, I think I only saw him one or maybe two times when it was purely on accident. And it's a small area, and he's right across the street, mind you. So for you to see your guy driving by work, and now this, I really think it's on purpose. And who knows how many times he drove by that you didn't see him doing it.

 

Gosh, now that I'm thinking about it...I hope he didn't think I purposely left at the same time he did so that he would see me. Ughh..

I don't know what that was about, but I take it as he is just living his life and doesn't care about me at all. He pretends as if we never knew eachother. And that hurts.

I don't think he thinks you did it on purpose. I think he most likely feels just as you're feeling - he believes that you're just living your life and not concerned with what he's doing. He's had nothing to suggest to him otherwise. And when you left, you wouldn't look at him, so I'm sure he feels you were trying to avoid him.

 

I still think you will hear from him at some point, just like the last times. I think this is playing out exactly like before, on both sides (yours and his). He's not doing as many things like posting on facebook, but like we've talked about, he knows how obvious that would seem and maybe it just feels silly to him to do it, knowing that you know why he's done it in the past. And he also knows that it did him no good before, because it didn't get you to make contact, so it's kind of a waste of time.

 

Thank you for saying this lostlove. I know everyone here means well and I should not have any fears about what I discuss here on the forum. You are absolutely right about not feeling bad on top of the bad we already feel.

You're welcome ksol

 

I need to see about eating something for dinner, but then I'll come back and reply to the parts about my thing. Chat more in a bit

[lostlove76]

I'm sorry you're not feeling better today. As for the woman, I'm not sure I'm following properly, but the only time you have ever linked them directly is through the heart like on her sunset photo correct? I know it all looks like it adds up, but please be mindful that it could be nothing like what you're thinking at all. They don't have to be romantically involved. She could be a friend, nothing more. I have male friends who know my parents. They've even added me on facebook. Anyone could come up with the same story that you've come up with about him and this woman. It's ok to explore it as a possibility, but try not to be so conclusive about what you've seen until you've seen something more solid. I could totally see why you've come up with those conclusions though. For example..last night when I looked at his facebook, he posted 2 photos of some work he did at his boss' home. It was a couple pictures of a boat dock on his boss' property. His boss lives in Tampa. I said to myself, wow he must hardly ever be home, he must be in Tampa all the time now that he doesnt have me and the kids..he must be with this married woman for sure. Well, I saw him this morning at the car wash. I could come up with a story and swear it is exactly what is going on. The truth is, we don't know for sure and facebook isn't really a window into someone's life. A glimpse maybe, but we cant draw any conclusions. People post what they want to portray their life as. I'm saying all of these things and I can't take my own advice. Go figure!

 

Anyhow lostlove, I just want this to serve as a reminder and hopefully it will ease your mind a bit. We don't know what is really going on in his life. Yes, he has tried to move on, but this is a man who has yet to find himself in a serious longterm relationship since your relationship with him ended. He is under the impression that you've moved on as well. Maybe one day, your paths will cross or maybe he was meant to be a lesson and nothing more. Whether the case, he is still on your mind and in your heart. I understand your pain all too well. No one knows what is really going on. It has been a good 7 months now and not a word from him. I know you've said to me many times that you would never contact him, but has that changed? I know I shouldn't be encouraging you to break NC and in no way am I doing so, but sometimes I wonder if that will help you to get closure or even get things to a point where you will feel better. I mean..I remember I had an ex and didn't end on the best of terms. I left him and about a year later, I ran into him somewhere. We chatted and even exchanged numbers. He has sent me a couple text messages, sporadically regarding business nothing more. I have no ill feelings toward him and I'm glad we were able to bury the hatchet. I think I remember us having one final conversation about the relationship and we both apologized for hurting eachother and agreed that we have buried the hatchet. It actually brought peace to me. I don't ever want to leave this earth without making amends or being at peace with anyone who I've had some troubled times with. Then again, I'm sure there are others who will beg to differ and will advise to allow bygones to be bygones. To each it's own lostlove. Whatever will bring you peace, I would hope that is the route you choose.

 

Thank you for all of this, ksol. You always help calm me, and I appreciate it so much. Linking them directly was the smiley comment on her cover photo four minutes after she posted it, the heart like on her profile photo from earlier this month, and his mom being her friend and liking both of these photos. You could be right and maybe they're not as romantically involved as I'm imagining. Maybe his parents went down for a visit and just happened to meet her randomly, not in a girlfriend-to-my-ex situation, and she and his mom connected and they added each other. Maybe he was just being nice when he hearted her profile pic. Maybe he just liked the pretty cover photo when he saw it. I don't really believe all of this but as you're saying, it is possible. He was with the grandma for a month or two, and she even posted pictures of them with their heads leaning in together. And then all her family and friends were commenting about her new guy, and she just let it go on. They were "together," but it certainly didn't last. She was just a time-passer for him. I just fear this one is different.

 

I feel like if he didn't have all these different options, and all these girls available to hop from one to another, he may have called me at some point. But as it is, his options are endless. He doesn't really have any certain set of standards - all these women are complete opposites of each other. Anyone will do. When someone has endless options, what do they need me for? Apparently our connection was not as important or special to him as it was to me. He can find it with anyone. He's a womanizer, just like he told me that one time at the end. One of these women is bound to stick at some point, though. He'll get tired of jumping from one to another. This new one could be the right girl in the right place at the right time.

 

But there I go letting my mind get carried away again. Your example with the Tampa photos is a good one. I think it's good when we have examples we can look back at and say, "See, the story we created was not true, so maybe this one isn't either." I was so worried about him and his ex talking. SO sure that they were talking 24/7 and getting really close again. Now, it doesn't feel like they're talking at all. But one of these days, my story is going to turn out to be true, I fear.

 

I really can't see myself ever contacting him again, for the rest of my life. If he were a different kind of person, I may consider it. But I know from experience that he will completely ignore if it doesn't serve him to reply. It would kill me to send a text and get no response. And I don't want to be his friend. I can't be just friends when I still have all these feelings. I would always want more, and always feel hurt that I wasn't getting it. Otherwise, I do agree with you that being at peace with someone feels a whole lot better than having ended things so badly and never getting any closure. I never did reply to what you wrote in response to the anger that I still have, but yes, the anger is definitely still there - all born out of just feeling so hurt. If he ever reached out and apologized and acknowledged all the pain he caused, it would make me feel a little less awful. I feel like he just doesn't care at all. He destroyed me emotionally, because I loved him SO much, and he just did all these terribly hurtful things and then left me in the dust. And he doesn't care. Anyways, I think trying to contact him would just bring a whole new set of problems that I can't handle. I would only want contact with him if it was with the intention of getting back together in a real and committed way. I still miss him a lot. It hurts so much that he just upped and moved away. With him living there and me here, and all his commitment hangups, there's no hope for anything real anyhow.

 

Sigh! Life sucks sometimes.