Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[lostlove76]

Hi there, hope you're doing ok. There were indeed some great points made by the other posters. I've been wanting to respond, but I have this anxiety and sadness that seems to just be lurking underneath the surface. Although I had a wonderful weekend with friends, I just want to break down and cry. I don't know if the good place of mind is strength or if it's just a realization. It doesn't take away the pain of losing that relationship. I wish there was something I could do, but I know I can't. I'm also feeling a little bit of anger for him andt how he just walked away like everything we had meant nothing..like he doesn't care. Strange feeling tonight.

 

Anyhow, I hope you're doing ok and I hope to hear from you. Let us know how you're feeling. I'm going to sit down to read a bit. Will check back later to see if you stopped in. Hugs!

 

Hi ksol. I'm sorry you're feeling sad. I'm feeling exactly like you're feeling right now. I was actually coming here to say that I had planned to reply to everything, and explore all the great points made, but I'm feeling too depressed tonight and just don't have the emotional energy. I think I need to just take it easy tonight, and write tomorrow instead. It sounds like you're feeling the need to do the same.

 

This new wave of depression is all because I saw that there's a new girl. I dug around and found her dating profile, and she's not as washed up as I thought (or hoped). She actually seems like a decent person. She's widowed, she has two Bachelor degrees, and I was mistaken that she has kids. She also joined the yard sale page for our city on Jan 8th, so it's possible that he even brought her home with him. Now I'm picturing them getting married one day. Maybe he's gotten all his cheating and whoring it up out of his system and he's ready to settle down with someone good. The thought just kills me. And here I am missing him. I guess I shouldn't have gone looking; I was hoping to find something bad about her, but I found the opposite.

 

I'm sorry you're missing yours. I know you feel, and I know how much it all hurts. I hope you can find some relaxation in your reading tonight. I'll check in to see if you've written, but might not say much until tomorrow. Hugs to you too. Hope everyone is having a good night, thanks again to you all for earlier.

[Ksol9]

I'm feeling the exact same way..that I need to take it easy tonight. I'm feeling really sad. I don't know why, but when I saw him post those photos of the fishing trip, I just felt that he is just moving on with his life. I know Facebook is not a real interpretation of someone's life, but I guess it was just a reminder that he is going about his life. He posted some comments in reply to his family commenting on the fish they caught. Just seeing him correspond made me feel sad. Somehow by that I felt like he isn't even thinking about me. (Silly I know) That trip was actually on Thursday. He didn't get around to posting it until yesterday. Since then there hasn't been any activity. I just saw it as life goes on and I'm wondering if I'm different in the sense that I'm so much more emotional about us being apart. I don't think he's experiencing anything of the sort.

 

I have to mentally prepare myself for this week. I'm glad the weekend is over but next weekend will soon arrive. Don't like the weekends right now. I've been reading but I don't even thinking I'm absorbing anything. Wish I could just fall asleep and stay asleep.

 

My thoughts are with you lostlove. Be strong. Try not to worry about this woman. We don't know for sure they are together as a couple. Maybe she isn't family but she could be a family friend or even his friend. She seems much older by the graduation date. Try not to let your worries overtake you. I know you are thinking worst case scenario. When were those comments posted again? If this is something recent, I'm sure more will develop online. For now, try your best not to let it get to you. (Wish I could take my own advice).

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. The smiley he left on the sunrise picture was four minutes after she posted it on Saturday morning. The profile pic that he hearted and that his mom liked was Jan 12th. His mom also liked Saturday's sunrise picture. He was offline the rest of Saturday and all today (Sunday) until nighttime, and now he's been on a bunch. Seems like he was surely with her, probably at the same time she posted the sunrise pic since he commented immediately, and then for the rest of the weekend. I'm trying to stay off right now, just so he won't see me lurking... if he even notices.

 

I know how you feel about the Facebook stuff you saw too, of course. It sounds like he went on a long weekend trip? He didn't have to work Thursday? I know it feels like he's moving on and not thinking about you, but just remember that you too went out of town and did things with friends - but you were still thinking of him, right? It may appear from the outside that you weren't, but that isn't the case. And may not be the case for him. He may be trying to cope just as you are. Guys may not talk about things like we women do, may not pour their emotions out into the world, but that doesn't mean that it's not bothering him internally. I think I would be relieved that he was with the guys, at least.

 

Thanks for checking in. Thank you for your calming thoughts about the new girl. Maybe tomorrow will be better for both of us. Bolt, BEG, and Sparkly, I promise I'm not ignoring all you said. I should have more energy to reply at some point tomorrow. Hugs to everyone

[Ms Darcy]

I cannot imagine declaring never-ending love for a dude I haven't seen in 15 months ...

 

I agree with BEG that this sounds much more like internal feelings have been triggered by the rejection moreso than some actual feeling of love.

[Ksol9]

I fell asleep early, but just woke up and can't go back to sleep. I woke up as if I was having a nightmare. I woke up wanting to cry. I'm reaching out for him, but he isn't there.

 

Seems like he was surely with her, probably at the same time she posted the sunrise pic since he commented immediately, and then for the rest of the weekend. I'm trying to stay off right now, just so he won't see me lurking... if he even notices.

 

We don't know that he was with her. There have been plenty of times as I signed on Facebook, someone will post and it says "just now" under the photo. I'll like it immediately. That doesn't mean he was with her or right next to her. I know this is hard, but please try to remind yourself that you haven't seen anything that links them romantically. This is your worst fear and so that is what you are worrying about..an illusion. You'll worry anyway, but feel yourself to give it time to see what develops. Look what happened with the ex...you saw them online at the same time and you assumed they were chatting. This is now not much of a concern because you saw this new photo. That alone proves that your worst fear or your assumption isn't always so. You can be so sure. I do the exact same thing, but I'm just trying to show you that it may just be that you're not thinking clearly and from an outside perspective, I can see things differently.

 

I know how you feel about the Facebook stuff you saw too, of course. It sounds like he went on a long weekend trip? He didn't have to work Thursday? I know it feels like he's moving on and not thinking about you, but just remember that you too went out of town and did things with friends - but you were still thinking of him, right? It may appear from the outside that you weren't, but that isn't the case. And may not be the case for him. He may be trying to cope just as you are. Guys may not talk about things like we women do, may not pour their emotions out into the world, but that doesn't mean that it's not bothering him internally. I think I would be relieved that he was with the guys, at least.

 

No this wasn't a long trip. They went on Thursday morning and returned Thursday night. He didn't post the pictures until Saturday night. He seemed to have been home all weekend because he was on Facebook all weekend and very frequently. Very much like his normal routine when alone, but who really knows. He commented under the photo saying that it was from a trip on Thursday. That would correspond with why I didn't see him on at all that day. I assumed he went out of town for work. He was actually on this fishing trip. I guess you are right that it doesn't necessarily mean he is moving on just because he went on a fishing trip. Sounds so silly when I type it. Of course he is just trying to live his life regardless of what's going on inside. I'm sure he's still saddened by not having his children around. While I am relieved to see he's with his guy friends, it reminds me that this is what he wants. He wants to be alone. He doesn't want to be with me and that he may still feel angered by what happened. That I'm too much trouble for him to handle and that we would never work out. That just makes me really sad but at the same time, I feel betrayed that he acted like I meant nothing and never did. No matter what he is feeling, this is what he is doing. His actions speak for itself.

 

I'm trying not to fill my head with these thoughts, buts it's very hard to focus on anything other than him. I struggle everyday. I've been here before but it doesn't make it any easier. I have to move on with my life because I know he isn't going to turn this around. I don't see him going back on his feelings at all. I don't think he views me very well. He may think there are a lot of great things about me, but maybe the bad outweighs the good. I just miss him so much. Missing him more than before. I miss his embrace. I just miss him period. I think now the feelings of anger and all the other initial feels from the breakup are subsiding now. I'm just left with emptiness. I miss him.

[cdnjc99]

Hello. I have spent the entire weekend and this morning (basically whenever I get a chance) scrolling and reading through this. It caught my attention from the beginning and then I was confused how the post originated from so long ago, and realized it was on-going. I read every word for about the first half and then skimmed to only read your (Ksol's) posts there after, not out of disrespect, but because I was so anxious to find out what happened. I will go back and read the remainder in more detail.

 

First of all, before I say anything I HAVE to give credit to LOSTLOVE76. I assume you don't know Ksol in real life and you are SO DEDICATED. I've met a couple friends this way and I didn't think there was anyone else out there like that. Thank you lostlove76 for being the wonderful human being you are. Anyone who ends up with you is one lucky individual.

 

Ksol, correct me if I'm wrong, but this is what I've gotten out of your story in a quick summary. Last year around February you and the guy broke up because he felt you wanted different things. You went a while with NC (very proud), suffered, stalked, etc. and he finally reached out to you. After some time you guys ended up back together only to split again because of the E-mailing you saw him doing and the cheating you suspected him of. You again were in the NC phase, analyzing, stalking and hoping. You even thought since you were the dumper (even though you didn't feel like it) you should reach out. You were so sure he might not reach out, but he did. The kids ended up moving to their mom and you and him are no longer together because of the suspicions you have and the fact that he thinks this won't work. You are once again in the NC stage and suffering a lot.

 

This is me showing you the MAINA IDEAS of what I understand. Of course there are many details in between, but this is the story in a nutshell, yes?

 

Now, its been less than 2 months of NC, yes? Reading from your old posts, you're in the same spot again. You are so sure he won't reach out this time and is finally done, but you thought so previously as well. Each time always feels like the worst time because you are experiencing it! Now I don't want to give you hope that he will, but think of this from the patterns he and you have shown. At the same time, if you follow the pattern - yes he may reach out, but will you guys split again? Do you want to go through this on and off phase forever? I remember you mentioning that even his kids wondered if you'll be around when they come back. Even they notice the ups and downs. You are such a good and smart (I can tell by how you write) person and deserve the world. You both have faults, I can get into them if you wish, but you deserve someone who accepts them without this torture.

 

I have so much to say after reading all of this. I relate so much. I've been through so much. I ask myself the same questions during the NC phase. Trust me. I learned not to stalk though. With NC comes NS(no stalking) because the point of NC is for YOU, so checking their social media will bring questions, assumptions, etc. and makes you crazier than contacting - because when you contact you get a straight answer as opposed to social media's questioning. Also, people use social media as a power thing. He may pretend to be happy to set you off. He even admitted he posts because you look. Trust me, he's suffering too. But do you really want to continue this or do you want to recover fully and move on? I will help you do either.

[lostlove76]

You are so sure he won't reach out this time and is finally done, but you thought so previously as well. Each time always feels like the worst time because you are experiencing it! Now I don't want to give you hope that he will, but think of this from the patterns he and you have shown.

 

At the same time, if you follow the pattern - yes he may reach out, but will you guys split again? Do you want to go through this on and off phase forever?

 

I remember you mentioning that even his kids wondered if you'll be around when they come back. Even they notice the ups and downs.

 

You both have faults, I can get into them if you wish, but you deserve someone who accepts them without this torture.

 

checking their social media will bring questions, assumptions, etc. and makes you crazier than contacting - because when you contact you get a straight answer as opposed to social media's questioning.

 

Also, people use social media as a power thing. He may pretend to be happy to set you off. He even admitted he posts because you look.

 

But do you really want to continue this or do you want to recover fully and move on?

 

Hi cdnjc, welcome to ena What a wise post!! I pulled out the sentences that really jumped out at me about ksol's situation. You make some really great points, especially everything you said about social media.

 

First of all, before I say anything I HAVE to give credit to LOSTLOVE76. I assume you don't know Ksol in real life and you are SO DEDICATED. I've met a couple friends this way and I didn't think there was anyone else out there like that. Thank you lostlove76 for being the wonderful human being you are. Anyone who ends up with you is one lucky individual.

Thank you so much for your kind words!

[Ksol9]

Ksol, correct me if I'm wrong, but this is what I've gotten out of your story in a quick summary. Last year around February you and the guy broke up because he felt you wanted different things. You went a while with NC (very proud), suffered, stalked, etc. and he finally reached out to you. After some time you guys ended up back together only to split again because of the E-mailing you saw him doing and the cheating you suspected him of. You again were in the NC phase, analyzing, stalking and hoping. You even thought since you were the dumper (even though you didn't feel like it) you should reach out. You were so sure he might not reach out, but he did. The kids ended up moving to their mom and you and him are no longer together because of the suspicions you have and the fact that he thinks this won't work. You are once again in the NC stage and suffering a lot.

 

This is me showing you the MAINA IDEAS of what I understand. Of course there are many details in between, but this is the story in a nutshell, yes?

 

Hi! Thank you so much for reading my story. You've pretty much summed up exactly what has happened since Feb of 2016. I couldn't wait to get home to comment on your post. It's a little difficult to type, quote, and proofread on my cell, I wait until I got home to use my laptop. As you summarized, you helped me to look at everything in retrospect. I think I forget to take a step back to look at the bigger picture...especially when I am in emotional torment day after day. Anyhow, yes, I am in NC. There has not been any contact from either end for almost 3 weeks now.

 

First of all, before I say anything I HAVE to give credit to LOSTLOVE76. I assume you don't know Ksol in real life and you are SO DEDICATED. I've met a couple friends this way and I didn't think there was anyone else out there like that. Thank you lostlove76 for being the wonderful human being you are. Anyone who ends up with you is one lucky individual.

 

The support I have received here is priceless, especially from Lostlove. She has been there from the beginning. I am so thankful words can not describe. I have always said, regardless of if I get back together with him or not or should I find myself in a new relationship, I would still come here for support. Lostlove and others who have invested themselves in my story are the reason I have made it this far. And whoever ends up with lostlove is one lucky individual. She is something special.

 

Now, its been less than 2 months of NC, yes? Reading from your old posts, you're in the same spot again. You are so sure he won't reach out this time and is finally done, but you thought so previously as well. Each time always feels like the worst time because you are experiencing it! Now I don't want to give you hope that he will, but think of this from the patterns he and you have shown. At the same time, if you follow the pattern - yes he may reach out, but will you guys split again? Do you want to go through this on and off phase forever? I remember you mentioning that even his kids wondered if you'll be around when they come back. Even they notice the ups and downs. You are such a good and smart (I can tell by how you write) person and deserve the world. You both have faults, I can get into them if you wish, but you deserve someone who accepts them without this torture.

 

You made some great points in this paragraph. I seem to forget that I've been in this same situation before. I've taken some time to go back to earlier posts and much of what I am saying now is exactly what I have said before. I've experienced this same exact pain before, yet still it feels like the first time. It's still just as painful. It has been less than 2 months of NC. Around 3 weeks. Gosh, it hasn't even been that long. This is a pattern. This is now our third breakup and it's certainly an unhealthy pattern. Should the pattern prove to continue by him reaching out, it may very well be likely that we split again IF neither of us make changes. I don't want to live this way. It's torturous and I don't see anyone accomplishing much living this way. It's impossible to be healthy and productive when you have something like this weighing on you. My entire being is being effected. I don't sleep well, constant worry, poor eating habits, sadness, depression...I don't look happy much less for the way I feel. The children, especially his son, was very concerned about what would happen once they left. He would often say...I want to go live with mom, but at the same time I'm just really worried that when we come back you won't be here. Such a sweet child. God only knows how I love and miss them. This up and down pattern is evident and we have been living in it for the past 2 years. I believe (and I could be wrong) he has reached his limit, a point where he feels he doesn't want to continue on this unhealthy road. He believes things will never change and we will never progress. It is my impression that the relationship is over for good this time. I have been scrambling to come to terms with that. In addition, the sadness is overwhelming. It is so important to focus on myself to eventually come up with a plan for my future, but its so very hard. I also wanted to thank you for pointing out that we both had our faults. I may not have identified all of my faults, but I continue to analyze. I think we were both so consumed with blaming one another that we didn't take time to reflect on own on behavior. I have been doing that alot lately and understand that change can only happen within myself. I am responsible for myself. I also would agree that what hurt me the most is that he turned around and walked away...he gave up on me..on us. I do believe that I deserve someone who accepts my faults and is willing to work through them without this type of torture...we all deserve this from a partner.

 

I have so much to say after reading all of this. I relate so much. I've been through so much. I ask myself the same questions during the NC phase. Trust me. I learned not to stalk though. With NC comes NS(no stalking) because the point of NC is for YOU, so checking their social media will bring questions, assumptions, etc. and makes you crazier than contacting - because when you contact you get a straight answer as opposed to social media's questioning. Also, people use social media as a power thing. He may pretend to be happy to set you off. He even admitted he posts because you look. Trust me, he's suffering too. But do you really want to continue this or do you want to recover fully and move on? I will help you do either.

 

Thank you again for taking the time to write. I hope you stay and chat more with us. Your input is appreciated more than you know. NC is torture and while NC is intended to help you, it's difficult not to wonder what they are doing. Checking their social media definitely brings questions as evidenced by what is going on with lostlove and I. He has admitted to posting things in the past to get a reaction from me, so although I have doubts that he could be doing that, it may very well be the case. NC has given me the impression he doesn't care, doesn't want anything to do with me, and I guess he could assume the same. If I am honest, with you and everyone else, I want to save my relationship. There is still alot of fight left in me. I just don't know how. In the midst of everything that has happened, I am frozen. There is nothing I can do to change his mind. The best thing I can do right now, at this very moment, is continue to work on myself. I am going to continue to fight to make changes within myself. The goal is to be happy. If he comes back or not, I have to find a way to get some happiness back in my life that isn't dependent on anyone else. Just plain peace and happiness created by and for me.

 

Thanks again for writing. Hope to hear from you again.

[lostlove76]

I fell asleep early, but just woke up and can't go back to sleep. I woke up as if I was having a nightmare. I woke up wanting to cry. I'm reaching out for him, but he isn't there.

 

Hi ksol. As usual, I'm dragging my feet about getting my day started and haven't eaten yet, so this will be a quick post for now but just wanted to check in. I'm sorry to hear that you woke up feeling awful again. When the ending in my situation first happened, it seems like mornings were some of the worst times. The second I woke up, the emptiness would wash over me and my mind would start running through all the negative thoughts. So I know how you feel. I'm glad you fell asleep early, at least, and hope you got in several good hours. It's now Monday, and you made it through another weekend. I know you fear weekends the most, so give yourself a pat on the back for making it through.

 

We don't know that he was with her. There have been plenty of times as I signed on Facebook, someone will post and it says "just now" under the photo. I'll like it immediately. That doesn't mean he was with her or right next to her. I know this is hard, but please try to remind yourself that you haven't seen anything that links them romantically. This is your worst fear and so that is what you are worrying about..an illusion. You'll worry anyway, but feel yourself to give it time to see what develops. Look what happened with the ex...you saw them online at the same time and you assumed they were chatting. This is now not much of a concern because you saw this new photo. That alone proves that your worst fear or your assumption isn't always so. You can be so sure. I do the exact same thing, but I'm just trying to show you that it may just be that you're not thinking clearly and from an outside perspective, I can see things differently.

Thank you so much for this. The outside perspective is always really helpful to me, which is why I try to do it for you so much as well. Things feel very real in our own heads when we piece certain clues together, but experience has shown that we do tend to blow things out of proportion. It's important to keep reminding ourselves, and each other, of this, so that our thoughts don't get carried away into the dark side. I'm not feeling nearly as awful today. I don't know how long this will last, but I'm trying to do as you say and just not assume anything major until I see more signs. Either way, he's not calling me, so I don't know why it even matters... but, of course, it does. I would much rather him be single and unattached than getting close to someone, even if we have to be apart. I'm sure that's a very normal feeling, so I won't beat myself up over it. Anyways, for now at least, I'm not having any depression or major worries - like I said, we'll see how long that lasts!

 

No this wasn't a long trip. They went on Thursday morning and returned Thursday night. He didn't post the pictures until Saturday night. He seemed to have been home all weekend because he was on Facebook all weekend and very frequently. Very much like his normal routine when alone, but who really knows. He commented under the photo saying that it was from a trip on Thursday. That would correspond with why I didn't see him on at all that day. I assumed he went out of town for work. He was actually on this fishing trip.

Oh, I see, about the fishing trip just being a day thing. I would agree that he was most likely home and alone all weekend due to his facebook activity. For sure. That's a really good sign that he's not involved with any women like you had feared.

 

While I am relieved to see he's with his guy friends, it reminds me that this is what he wants. He wants to be alone. He doesn't want to be with me and that he may still feel angered by what happened. That I'm too much trouble for him to handle and that we would never work out. That just makes me really sad but at the same time, I feel betrayed that he acted like I meant nothing and never did. No matter what he is feeling, this is what he is doing. His actions speak for itself.

Because of what happened during the last two breakups, I just can't conclude that he has decided he doesn't want to be with you. I know it feels like that, and maybe if this same exact thing hadn't happened before (to the point that it's now become a pattern), we could assume that he's made a rational decision and decided to move on with his life. But we know that he changes his mind. We know that he remains silent even while having feelings and wanting to be with you. And we know that he eventually starts poking his head out, testing the waters, trying to get back in contact. We also know that it takes several weeks to a couple of months for him to say anything. So history would suggest that there's a high chance this will happen again. I never want to give you false hope, and there's never any way to predict with absolute certainty what he'll do. But it is my feeling that this is the same as the last times.

 

Your feelings of betrayal are completely valid. No matter how he feels inside, he is making you feel discarded, and that's a horrible horrible feeling. At the same time, I have to point out that he may very well feel the same way, since you have gone silent yourself. All this silence is the most damaging thing out of all of this. Look what it does to you. So whether he's not reaching out because he's wanting to move on, or because he's stubborn, or because he thinks you want to be left alone, or because he's scared of rejection, or because he's waiting for the dust to settle... we don't know exactly what he's thinking, but the fact of the matter is that you're going through torture due to the complete breakdown of communication. So yes, you are well within your rights to feel betrayed.

 

he may still feel angered by what happened. That I'm too much trouble for him to handle and that we would never work out.

 

I don't think he views me very well. He may think there are a lot of great things about me, but maybe the bad outweighs the good.

cdnjc put it really well when she said "You both have faults, but you deserve someone who accepts them without this torture." How true a statement this is. We ALL have faults. No one is perfect. Everyone is difficult in some way. Everyone has baggage, and defense mechanisms, and unpleasant aspects to their personalities. If yours are too much for him to handle, then he is not the guy for you... or else you two just need to come up with better ways to communicate and react to one another. The reason you were acting as you were is because you didn't trust him, and you resented him for what he'd done before. If you trusted him, and if you had forgiven him (or better yet, if he had never done those things in the first place), you probably wouldn't have acted that way. It's all cause and effect.

 

I just miss him so much. Missing him more than before. I miss his embrace. I just miss him period. I think now the feelings of anger and all the other initial feels from the breakup are subsiding now. I'm just left with emptiness. I miss him.

I know I know just how you feel.

 

I'm getting a bit fuzzy-headed because I haven't eaten anything, so I hope my thoughts were all clear. I'll check back in in a little while. Hang in there ksol

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. As usual, I'm dragging my feet about getting my day started and haven't eaten yet, so this will be a quick post for now but just wanted to check in. I'm sorry to hear that you woke up feeling awful again. When the ending in my situation first happened, it seems like mornings were some of the worst times. The second I woke up, the emptiness would wash over me and my mind would start running through all the negative thoughts. So I know how you feel. I'm glad you fell asleep early, at least, and hope you got in several good hours. It's now Monday, and you made it through another weekend. I know you fear weekends the most, so give yourself a pat on the back for making it through.

 

Dragging..that's the perfect word. It seems to fit just right. I'm sorry you're not feeling so great, but I think I read in there somewhere that you were ok. That's all that matters. That you are ok. Savor it and hopefully it sticks. The minute I wake up is just like you explained. You seem to just get me. Plain and simple. I do fear the weekends. Of course I've come up with this story in my head about the weekends. I was thinking that maybe the married woman had her children this weekend and that is why she wasn't able to come visit and maybe she next weekend she will. Ohh, I better stop there. What's going to happen is going to happen. If it's meant to be, he'll find his way back to me on his own.

 

Hope you were able to get some food in your system. Food and sleep. Those things are priority. Take care of yourself. I just thought of a Rascal Flatts song...These Days. If you know this song...that's my mood for today.

 

Thank you so much for this. The outside perspective is always really helpful to me, which is why I try to do it for you so much as well. Things feel very real in our own heads when we piece certain clues together, but experience has shown that we do tend to blow things out of proportion. It's important to keep reminding ourselves, and each other, of this, so that our thoughts don't get carried away into the dark side. I'm not feeling nearly as awful today. I don't know how long this will last, but I'm trying to do as you say and just not assume anything major until I see more signs. Either way, he's not calling me, so I don't know why it even matters... but, of course, it does. I would much rather him be single and unattached than getting close to someone, even if we have to be apart. I'm sure that's a very normal feeling, so I won't beat myself up over it. Anyways, for now at least, I'm not having any depression or major worries - like I said, we'll see how long that lasts!

 

So very true. It's hard to see things clearly when you're going through it. I think much of my anxiety is on the future. What is going to happen? Who is he with? Will he start something with someone else? Has he moved on? Can I make progress? I think you ask yourself those same questions and those are the questions behind alot of your pain. I've been told..it's best to focus on now. The problem is...focusing on right now has proven to be a very difficult task. For me, I'm doing it. I'm in therapy..even when I don't want to attend, I find myself in his office. I'm reading. I'm trying. Nothing seems good enough, when you know what's in your heart...when you just want that person back in your life. I totally get what you're saying. I think if you've found a way to control your anxiety over what you saw, then continue doing that. It's best to wait a little while to see what develops before you jump to any conclusions. Have you seen anything new on her page?

 

Because of what happened during the last two breakups, I just can't conclude that he has decided he doesn't want to be with you. I know it feels like that, and maybe if this same exact thing hadn't happened before (to the point that it's now become a pattern), we could assume that he's made a rational decision and decided to move on with his life. But we know that he changes his mind. We know that he remains silent even while having feelings and wanting to be with you. And we know that he eventually starts poking his head out, testing the waters, trying to get back in contact. We also know that it takes several weeks to a couple of months for him to say anything. So history would suggest that there's a high chance this will happen again. I never want to give you false hope, and there's never any way to predict with absolute certainty what he'll do. But it is my feeling that this is the same as the last times.

 

Your feelings of betrayal are completely valid. No matter how he feels inside, he is making you feel discarded, and that's a horrible horrible feeling. At the same time, I have to point out that he may very well feel the same way, since you have gone silent yourself. All this silence is the most damaging thing out of all of this. Look what it does to you. So whether he's not reaching out because he's wanting to move on, or because he's stubborn, or because he thinks you want to be left alone, or because he's scared of rejection, or because he's waiting for the dust to settle... we don't know exactly what he's thinking, but the fact of the matter is that you're going through torture due to the complete breakdown of communication. So yes, you are well within your rights to feel betrayed.

 

This is exactly how I feel. I feel neglected and discarded. Sometimes I even question if things were really that difficult, but then I have to remind myself everyone has different tolerance levels. I can only imagine what it was like for him to have to send his children back to their mother who lives across the country. I am not bio mom and it was adversely affecting me, so imagine what he was going through. I remember him telling me I was being selfish those last few days. I'm ashamed of my behavior. I think all of those things in addition to all the other things I cited as reasons for the breakup are reasons why he won't try to reconcile..even if he wanted to. It has happened too many times and I think this time is one too many. Maybe he is smarter than I and has decided to break the cycle? I can see why, from an outside perspective...according to his history, he will take some time before contacting. I don't know why and I guess I don't have a legitimate reason, but I just don't think he's coming back this time. I agree that the silence is extremely damaging. The emotional ups and downs. I constantly think about how unhealthy this is. Even if he was to come back, I think a big challenge will be in making sure we break this on and off cycle. That's hard to do when you have practicing the same habits and it is a relationship pattern. This silence is hurting me and as more time goes by, it hurts more and more. I just don't understand how anyone could allow this much time to pass if you still have feelings for someone. That is why I question if he actually does love me each and every time we go through this. I guess he could be thinking the same of me. Very similar to your situation lostlove.

 

cdnjc put it really well when she said "You both have faults, but you deserve someone who accepts them without this torture." How true a statement this is. We ALL have faults. No one is perfect. Everyone is difficult in some way. Everyone has baggage, and defense mechanisms, and unpleasant aspects to their personalities. If yours are too much for him to handle, then he is not the guy for you... or else you two just need to come up with better ways to communicate and react to one another. The reason you were acting as you were is because you didn't trust him, and you resented him for what he'd done before. If you trusted him, and if you had forgiven him (or better yet, if he had never done those things in the first place), you probably wouldn't have acted that way. It's all cause and effect.

 

This all so true. Cause and effect...again very true. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I still hope he will turn this around and if he does, we will have to figure out a way to better communicate and react to one another. I guess I'll think about those things if there is a change of events. I wonder if he realizes this about our situation?

 

 

Hope you were able to grab a bite to eat. Enjoy your evening. I'll check back in later to see if you wrote. Im going to read a bit. I'm about halfway through the book. I was hoping to finish before my next visit but I don't think I'll make it. Maybe he'll let me hang on to it for another week. It's a great read...I just cant seem to keep focus whenever I start feeling overwhelmed. Talk to you later.

[cdnjc99]

I'm so glad you were excited to comment my post. I'm almost always on my phone so I will usually respond from here, so excuse any typos. Not sure how to reply section by section, but I'll make sure to touch upon everything.

 

I'm glad I helped you to look at things in retrospect. I was so glad to peek ahead when I first started and see that this thread was still going on, but sad to see the negative time you're having. I have been reading people's posts to feel less alone in my situations, and yours is mainly the one I stayed on. I relate so much to your thoughts, behaviors and patterns.

 

Yes you have been in this situation before and it's easier to see by someone like me who read it all in 4 days than someone who has been dealing with it. I always repeat the same things when I'm in these situations as well. Even before the situation changes and then goes back to the same again. I think we do this because we're hoping for some magical "curable" answer that doesn't seem to exist, sadly. It will always feel like the first time. We never get used to this kind of hurt. We just seem to gain better strategies to deal with it. That's why I hate when people say things like "why are you so sad? Compare your life to others and their problems.." This doesn't help. Yes, maybe it makes you feel slightly grateful and less alone for a short while, but no matter how big or small, a problem seems the worst when we're experiencing it. Later when it's solved we look back and realize it wasn't so bad after all, usually when the next issue comes along, relating to love or not. Even while you were back together those couple of times, you couldn't say that yet, because you weren't secure with him, you were still fearful, questioning, etc. I don't want you to live like this. I'm not saying to lose hope or never talk to him again, but every time you guys get back together and break up, you lose all the progress you made. Each time will take longer to get over him because you have made more memories and you have known him longer. There's a thing I know about where it typically takes half the time you know someone to get over them. If this is true, everytime you talk, you add all those days you wasted not talking onto the time you've known him. Does that make sense? So if you were together a year, didn't talk for 2 months, were together for 3 months, didn't talk for 2 months and were together for 3 again that's a year plus 2 months plus 3 months plus 2 months plus 3 months making a year and ten months of time worth getting over him as opposed to a year if you stopped the first time. Is it worth it? That's for you to decide. And I'm not saying that it really takes half the time in total that you've known someone, but the longer you associate with them, the harder it is to get over them and all the NC phases are added into that time. This is all from experience and research.

 

You believe he has reached him limit, but you believed it just as much before, it just seems distant because those times are in the past. I'm not saying he'll definitely reach out, but he might. Are you holding on to this? How would you feel if you knew 100% he wouldn't ever try again? You'd suffer more now, but you'd have the closure you need. I know how important NC is, but how effective is it if you still have the hope, especially based on his timing and patterns? This is the hardest thing to do, and I never can (I just don't stalk), but can you block him? This way you won't be expecting a message or call and if he sends one you never know. If you're unwilling to do this, it's because you still have hope and want to see if he contacts. This is totally understandable.

 

You don't have to thank me. I want to help you. I have so much experience with this and I know how bad it sucks. It prevents me from enjoying anything - I can't eat, I can't sleep - I sleep in sporadic measures such as an hour here and there and wake up to the same nightmare. It sucks. I have dreams that me and the person are together and dreams that we never will be. It is very haunting. You can get through this but you have to work on making some definite decisions and giving yourself the closure he isn't giving you. I can help you make those decisions, but only when you're ready. Take your time I'm here for you, I won't go anywhere.

[cdnjc99]

By the way, I am a female. I am also a gay female. Hope that doesn't change your view of me

[Ms Darcy]

The hardest part of moving on is closing the door on reconciliation. Keeping the possibility open in your mind makes moving on very difficult if not impossible.

[boltnrun]

The hardest part of moving on is closing the door on reconciliation. Keeping the possibility open in your mind makes moving on very difficult if not impossible.

 

I think it's an excellent way to avoid living life.

 

I mean, you can't possibly try to meet other men when you love HIM! And you can't try to do things that make you happy because having a man in your life is what makes you happy. You can't have a man in your life because you love HIM. So, in your mind you've concluded you are to remain unhappy for the rest of your life.

 

It's a circular thing.

 

And this mindset gives you permission to do literally nothing.

[Ms Darcy]

By the way, I am a female. I am also a gay female. Hope that doesn't change your view of me

 

Your insights are wonderful and all people are welcome. Hugs!

[Ksol9]

Cdnj- thank you so much. I too echo what Ms Darcy said. Gay, straight, it doesn't matter...everyone is welcome. I value your opinion and your sexual orientation does not make me value it any less. I'd like to reply to everything you wrote. I have so much to say, but I just feel so frozen right now. I can't focus and I think I just need to take a time out. I'm just sad.

 

Ms Darcy and Bolt, thank you both.

 

I'm feeling pretty drained today..emotionally. I just feel lost and I feel like I don't know what is going on in my life right now. I intend to get some rest tonight. Maybe that has something to do with my mood. Hopefully I'll be up to writing and responding to your posts tomorrow.

 

Lostlove, I hope you're doing ok.

[cdnjc99]

Cdnj- thank you so much. I too echo what Ms Darcy said. Gay, straight, it doesn't matter...everyone is welcome. I value your opinion and your sexual orientation does not make me value it any less. I'd like to reply to everything you wrote. I have so much to say, but I just feel so frozen right now. I can't focus and I think I just need to take a time out. I'm just sad.

 

Ms Darcy and Bolt, thank you both.

 

I'm feeling pretty drained today..emotionally. I just feel lost and I feel like I don't know what is going on in my life right now. I intend to get some rest tonight. Maybe that has something to do with my mood. Hopefully I'll be up to writing and responding to your posts tomorrow.

 

Lostlove, I hope you're doing ok.

 

No problem. I look forward to your response. Keep strong.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. Just wanted to say sorry that I haven't been keeping up today. I got a new phone for Christmas, and finally switched everything over from the old to the new today. The whole process took hours, so that's where I've been. I need to take a shower and do a couple things before I can get in the bed, but then I'll catch up and read what you guys have written. If I don't get the chance to write much tonight, then I will tomorrow for sure. But I'll at least let you know once I've read it. I hope the rest of your day went okay. Talk soon.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. Just wanted to say sorry that I haven't been keeping up today. I got a new phone for Christmas, and finally switched everything over from the old to the new today. The whole process took hours, so that's where I've been. I need to take a shower and do a couple things before I can get in the bed, but then I'll catch up and read what you guys have written. If I don't get the chance to write much tonight, then I will tomorrow for sure. But I'll at least let you know once I've read it. I hope the rest of your day went okay. Talk soon.

 

Hey lostlove,

 

Hope you were able to get some sleep. I feel like I didn't get enough sleep.

 

I don't know what happened after I got back from out of town, but I've just been extremely sad. I don't want to talk to anyone. I've been keeping to myself and have been reading quite a bit. I would really like to respond to some of the other posts but I just can't seem to find the motivation. Today I have to see my therapist and even that I'm uninterested in. I don't have much to talk about other than the codependency book. I know I should go but I would rather be home dining nothing. I barely even want to get out of bed. I feel very helpless and I feel like I have no hope. It just sucks waking up like this every morning.

 

I hope you are in better spirits. Hope to hear from you again soon and I hope you have a great day.

[lostlove76]

Hey lostlove,

 

Hope you were able to get some sleep. I feel like I didn't get enough sleep.

 

I don't know what happened after I got back from out of town, but I've just been extremely sad. I don't want to talk to anyone. I've been keeping to myself and have been reading quite a bit. I would really like to respond to some of the other posts but I just can't seem to find the motivation. Today I have to see my therapist and even that I'm uninterested in. I don't have much to talk about other than the codependency book. I know I should go but I would rather be home dining nothing. I barely even want to get out of bed. I feel very helpless and I feel like I have no hope. It just sucks waking up like this every morning.

 

I hope you are in better spirits. Hope to hear from you again soon and I hope you have a great day.

 

Hi ksol. I still haven't been able to catch up on yesterday's posts, I'm sorry. Once I got everything switched from my old phone to the new, it was having some problems. I started googling and basically stressed myself out completely thinking that this brand new phone just wasn't going to work. I couldn't even hardly fall asleep because I was imagining this worst-case scenario about the phone. I only mention this because it proves to myself that I do this with other things, as well, and not just relationships. I don't know if you do that too? If so, it's definitely something to mention to your therapist. Anyways, called the wireless company today and he got it fixed within 10 minutes; turns out, the phone just hadn't been fully activated. So all that stressing over nothing. Lesson of the day: things don't always work out as badly as we imagine they will. I know this doesn't in any way compare to what you're going through, but I think it's a good reminder that our minds are our own worst enemies at times.

 

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so sad and depressed. You're in the worst part of it right now. It will ease up with time, although I know it doesn't seem like it will. Don't worry about not being able to reply to posts. There were many times (and sometimes still are) when it just felt too overwhelming for me as well. Sometimes you just don't have the energy, and that's okay. I do hope you'll go to your appointment, even if you feel you don't have much to talk about. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. Just be easy on yourself. I'll catch up on yesterday after work this evening. I hope things get better for you as the day goes along. Let us know how you're feeling. Hugs.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I still haven't been able to catch up on yesterday's posts, I'm sorry. Once I got everything switched from my old phone to the new, it was having some problems. I started googling and basically stressed myself out completely thinking that this brand new phone just wasn't going to work. I couldn't even hardly fall asleep because I was imagining this worst-case scenario about the phone. I only mention this because it proves to myself that I do this with other things, as well, and not just relationships. I don't know if you do that too? If so, it's definitely something to mention to your therapist. Anyways, called the wireless company today and he got it fixed within 10 minutes; turns out, the phone just hadn't been fully activated. So all that stressing over nothing. Lesson of the day: things don't always work out as badly as we imagine they will. I know this doesn't in any way compare to what you're going through, but I think it's a good reminder that our minds are our own worst enemies at times.

 

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so sad and depressed. You're in the worst part of it right now. It will ease up with time, although I know it doesn't seem like it will. Don't worry about not being able to reply to posts. There were many times (and sometimes still are) when it just felt too overwhelming for me as well. Sometimes you just don't have the energy, and that's okay. I do hope you'll go to your appointment, even if you feel you don't have much to talk about. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. Just be easy on yourself. I'll catch up on yesterday after work this evening. I hope things get better for you as the day goes along. Let us know how you're feeling. Hugs.

 

Hi there, glad you got your phone up and running. It's such a pain to transfer everything over especially when something goes wrong. It's definitely frustrating. At least its up and running now. I think my worst case scenario imaginations are limited to relationships. There are some cases I will do it for other things, but for the most part I notice it with relationships.

 

I just got in from my therapy session. It went well and I was able to speak with him about alot of important subjects. He keeps focusing on self respect. He said anytime I make a decision throughout the day, big or small, ask myself if this goes against or for my self respect. Negativity was another topic of discussion. He continue to reiterate that it's about forming new habits. I am very self aware and that is the most important step, but interrupting thoughts and focusing on positive and lighter things throughout the day can help retrain your brain and what you focus on. There's alot of confusion going on in my brain to be honest. I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I'm thinking, I don't know if I'm just making more of a mess in my brain...I just dont know. I feel like I'm wandering and I don't know who I am or what I feel or what I'm doing. We also spoke about codependency and what solutions there are to change those habits. It all seems like simple work, but I think when faced with a situation or problem in a relationship for example, I don't know how I will react or if I will be able to change my habits.

 

We didn't talk much about the relationship. We mainly talked about right now and looking forward. I think I'm on the right track, but I just miss him. No matter what steps I take to move forward, I miss him tremendously. I woke up this morning feeling angry and betrayed. I don't understand what I did so terrible to him for him to just turn his back on me. How do you care and love someone and then one day just put a stop to it all? Then pretend like that person never existed? I'm really upset with him for that...and to think this is not the first time he has done this to me? I know I should just let it all go. It's over now, but no matter what I have going on in my life at the moment, I am deeply hurt by that. It has been 3 weeks of complete silence. I am in a place where I just don't know how to feel. I'm just stuck somewhere and I don't even know where I am.

 

I'm probably not making much sense. My therapist let me hold on to the book for another week. I'm halfway through. I guess I'll get some reading in. Hope you have a good at work. Will talk to you later.

[cdnjc99]

Hope you're alright

[Ksol9]

Hope you're alright

 

Hi cdnjc99, doing ok. I'm still kind of stuck in a rut. I don't know what I feel. I'm just trying to stand still and just feel whatever it is that I'm feeling. Hopefully it will pass. I feel like I need to take a break from everything. I've been reading quite a bit. I'm not on the internet as much, but I'm still here and I've been checking my thread every so often.

 

Thank you for checking in with me. How are you doing today?

[cdnjc99]

Hi cdnjc99, doing ok. I'm still kind of stuck in a rut. I don't know what I feel. I'm just trying to stand still and just feel whatever it is that I'm feeling. Hopefully it will pass. I feel like I need to take a break from everything. I've been reading quite a bit. I'm not on the internet as much, but I'm still here and I've been checking my thread every so often.

 

Thank you for checking in with me. How are you doing today?

 

I'm alright. Thanks for asking. Keep me updated. I'm here to help however I can.

[lostlove76]

The support I have received here is priceless, especially from Lostlove. She has been there from the beginning. I am so thankful words can not describe. I have always said, regardless of if I get back together with him or not or should I find myself in a new relationship, I would still come here for support. Lostlove and others who have invested themselves in my story are the reason I have made it this far. And whoever ends up with lostlove is one lucky individual. She is something special.

Aw, thank you ksol, I just saw this. I can easily say the exact same things about you

 

You're probably in bed right now, but I'm finally sitting down to catch up. As usual, I'll probably be up pretty late, so I'm here if you can't sleep. Going to read starting from yesterday now...