Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

No one else is going to put up with him anyhow (trying to be lighthearted there).

 

My mom says this almost every time conversation comes up about him.

 

There's so much I want to say in response to your posts, but I'm so upset. I'm just so upset about the action I guess. I know it's silly because this is just what men do when they jump out of relationships. They seek for other women so they don't have to deal with the real issues there. He obviously isn't thinking about me. He's just thinking about having a good time and other women. Whether he's looking to replace me or not, I know and I'm confident when I say this, he'll never find someone like me. I put up with far too much and he has never had another relationship other than 2 women prior to me. One was when he was quite young, the other is the mother of his children. I know he can have a long term relationship, but what if there weren't children there. I remember reading a text from the mother saying..if we didn't have children, there wouldn't be any communication for the past 12 years. What does that tell you?

 

I don't know what to say. I just feel like shutting down. I don't want to do anything and that includes going to work. I wish I could take some time off and get out of town. I don't want to be here. I don't want to do anything.

 

Thank you for trying to comfort me lostlove. I really appreciate it.

[Ms Darcy]

Ksol,

 

I noticed you mentioned that your therapist doesn't want to spend much time talking about the ex and focuses on helping you move on and be happy. That's exactly what he's supposed to do!

 

So that's why it's important for you to read the book on codependency (I have heard good things about CoDependent no more).

 

Don't worry about his life and what he's doing. You both will move on, learn what you need to learn, and find new people. That's the way of the world. Just be careful not to stay stuck on him for too long or you will really miss out on great opportunities.

[Ksol9]

Woke up bright and early this morning. I sent a text to my therapist and asked that he give me a call when his schedule permits.

 

I had a breakdown last night. I was literally on the floor crying. I made it from the floor to my bed and stuffed my face in the pillow so my parents wouldn't hear. I hit a low point that I didn't think I would revisit. It was the usual sad, crying, heart break pain, but last night, last night was a really low, low feeling. I just want to shut down..completely. They say when you've hit rock bottom, there isn't anywhere to go but up.

 

I have a very tight feeling in my chest. It's anxiety I'm assuming. I had a 30 minute conversation with my therapist this morning. I was late to work, but I didn't care. I'm having an awful time..just awful. I told him about my anxiety and how seeing another female friend added to Facebook just sent me right into the deep. I didn't have to say much because he knew what I was experiencing. He spoke much of the time. He reminded me that when a relationship ends, the person who ends the relationship doesn't have it all figured out. They think this is what they want and need and that it is the best decision, but if they don't enter into a new relationship, they are trying to figure things out just like I am. He explained that this is typical male behavior, as we have discussed here, and he went on to say that I should be well aware of the pattern because this is exactly what he did before any of the times we split. He said as a man, men don't have ways to cope with breakups like women do. Most, not all...rather than take time for themselves, they try to occupy themselves with other women. They want attention to make them feel better. It's a way to cope and to ignore sadness or loss. My therapist said they go through stages. At first is anger, happiness, and freedom. Then when the anger fades, that is when they begin to think about what is lost. He said there is a big chance he may come into contact and his fear for me is that I won't be in a place of strength to make a good decision regarding the relationship. That is why it is so important to focus on myself

 

He said as someone who loves this man, the best thing I can do for myself and for him is to be happy for him. Be happy that he has made a decision for himself that makes him happy. He said to tell myself that if this is what makes him happy then I am happy for him. He said he has seen this many times before and has studied this behavior and it is very typical after a breakup.

 

I think I need to take a time out and really get a grip on my emotions. I feel very helpless and out of control. I know I've been through this before, I know he has done all these things before, but I just feel this is a new chapter. I think things will play out differently this time and i don't see that he will change his mind, not anytime soon anyway. I'm in denial or something. I need to change my perspective on this. I'm looking at it all wrong. My therapist is right. This is what he wants. I have to believe that he is doing what is best for him. Only he can know what's best for him and if not investing in this relationship anymore is what's best, then I should accept and be happy for him. I don't want to hang on to any anger for him because it's just not the right thing to do. I'm a good person, a forgiving person, I don't want that to change about myself. I need to forgive him for hurting my feelings, for giving up on us, and just find happiness in that this is just the path I am on right now. I am here for a reason and I'm sure the answer to why will come in time.

 

I think I need to take a good little break from everything just to stabilize my emotions. Then when I get myself off the floor, I'll resume what I'm working on.

 

Lostlove, thank you for being there for me. Hope you had restful sleep and that you enjoy your day. Will talk to you later.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I woke up in a really bad mood. Probably because of what we've been discussing here - just negative thoughts running amok. Thinking about him connecting with god knows who, and how he'll never call me again. How he moved on long ago like I was nothing. Worrying that he'll treat someone else better than he treated me, and not do all the distancing and hot and cold. That he'll commit to her and give her the best of him, when he refused to give it all to me. Wondering why she was good enough and I wasn't. Feeling betrayed by his ex, and imagining them talking all the time. Sigh. All these things run through my head all the time, sometimes more than others.

 

That was really awesome of your therapist to talk with you on the phone. I hope it helped make you feel a little calmer. I know you're like me, and no matter what anyone says, it's not going to take all the hurt away. But maybe it'll give you a small moment of peace or comfort. You talk about wanting to get away for awhile. Is there any way you could take a week off work? Even if you couldn't afford to go out of town for that long, maybe it would just give you some time to get your thoughts in order. I'm sure it's not easy to just get a week off, though. I forget if you said you're going away alone this weekend or with friends. I always need to be alone when I'm feeling how you're feeling.

 

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but I know there's not really anything. Just know that I'm here for you. I'll check in again in a little bit.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I woke up in a really bad mood. Probably because of what we've been discussing here - just negative thoughts running amok. Thinking about him connecting with god knows who, and how he'll never call me again. How he moved on long ago like I was nothing. Worrying that he'll treat someone else better than he treated me, and not do all the distancing and hot and cold. That he'll commit to her and give her the best of him, when he refused to give it all to me. Wondering why she was good enough and I wasn't. Feeling betrayed by his ex, and imagining them talking all the time. Sigh. All these things run through my head all the time, sometimes more than others.

 

That was really awesome of your therapist to talk with you on the phone. I hope it helped make you feel a little calmer. I know you're like me, and no matter what anyone says, it's not going to take all the hurt away. But maybe it'll give you a small moment of peace or comfort. You talk about wanting to get away for awhile. Is there any way you could take a week off work? Even if you couldn't afford to go out of town for that long, maybe it would just give you some time to get your thoughts in order. I'm sure it's not easy to just get a week off, though. I forget if you said you're going away alone this weekend or with friends. I always need to be alone when I'm feeling how you're feeling.

 

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but I know there's not really anything. Just know that I'm here for you. I'll check in again in a little bit.

 

 

I'm really sorry if my negativity is rubbing off on you and making your thoughts run wild. I'm just so sorry if talking about it here is effecting you negatively. I feel terrible.

 

I may have said this before about your situation, but it's very likely, and I'm almost sure about this, he is not getting it right with anyone else until he is ready. He is most likely running the same noncommittal games you have seen him play with others. If you relationship with him was more viable than others then consider that you got closer to him and commitement that others. He won't magically get it right with someone else.

 

I seem to attract men like this. You've mentioned this before and I think in my situation he could very well have a commitment issue. We got very close, but I don't think he would have gone further to marriage or anything like that because he was not completely emotionally open with me. There is a reason for that. That's besides the point. It's over now.

 

I was very lucky to catch my therapist early this morning. I needed the guidance and I'm sure he has a busy schedule. Glad he fit me in for a little talk this morning. God knows I needed it. I understand this is all apart of the process. I shouldn't fear. He kept saying it's normal to fear that he will be with someone else. It didn't take him long to start looking for female companionship. From what my therapist said, what else are they supposed to do when they leave the relationship. Life goes on. I can just tell by the type of women he is adding on Facebook, this is what he wants. I could never reach out to him. He will reiterate that our relationship will never work. I'll likely get no response. Just like you, I fear he won't spend the time alone and will occupy himself with other women so much so that he won't think of me. Yes he may be thinking of me from time to time, but I do believe he is really thinking about moving on and doesn't want to be with me. I don't believe he has loving feelings toward me and I don't think those feelings are going to come back. It's just different this time. It's just over all the way around. My therapist went on to say that it is so imperative that I do work on myself. If I want any chance of change, I have to push myself to work on myself. It will be for a better future with or without him.

 

I could make arrangements to take off work for a week but I'm just afraid to disappoint my parents. They've been dealing with my drama for too long. I need to grow up and just deal. I don't even want to go out of town this weekend. I just want to lock myself up somewhere to be alone. I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure to get myself together. As I look for glimpses of hope or signs that his heart is still with me, all I see is that he's moving on. It's right there in front of my face...I'll never hear from him again. I'm almost angry with myself for refusing to see that. I just don't know what to do right now. I'm frozen and stuck. I just want to hide. Feels like I'm in a tangled web.

 

I feel like pressing some sort of emergency shut off button. I need to catch my breath. Lostlove, I hope you find some sort of strength from my posts even though I know what I am going through is quite draining. I'm just sorry if investing yourself in my story here on the forum is causing you any discomfort.

[lostlove76]

I'm really sorry if my negativity is rubbing off on you and making your thoughts run wild. I'm just so sorry if talking about it here is effecting you negatively. I feel terrible.

 

Lostlove, I hope you find some sort of strength from my posts even though I know what I am going through is quite draining. I'm just sorry if investing yourself in my story here on the forum is causing you any discomfort.

 

No no, not at all! Not at all, I promise you. I would be having all my same thoughts regardless. For a minute, I wasn't quite understanding why you thought that my mood was your fault, but looking back, I think you misinterpreted something I said. When I said "I woke up in a really bad mood. Probably because of what we've been discussing here - just negative thoughts running amok"... I can see upon rereading how that must have sounded. Gosh, so sorry!!! To restate the sentence, what I truly meant was: The reason I'm in a bad mood is because my negative thoughts about him have been running amok; and just like we've discussed here, our negative thoughts can affect our moods. We were talking about it yesterday, with the need for replacing the negative with something more positive like your therapist suggested. So that's what I was referring to - not at all saying that our discussions here have caused me to have negative thoughts. Not the case at all. Very poorly worded sentence, I'm so sorry.

 

This all helps me very much. Talking about your stuff helps me understand my own stuff, and I hope vice versa for you. Like I said before, I really don't talk about this anywhere else anymore, because I feel like most people think I should have moved on long ago. I know that you get it, and that in itself helps me immensely

[lostlove76]

I may have said this before about your situation, but it's very likely, and I'm almost sure about this, he is not getting it right with anyone else until he is ready. He is most likely running the same noncommittal games you have seen him play with others. If you relationship with him was more viable than others then consider that you got closer to him and commitement that others. He won't magically get it right with someone else.

Things like this are very soothing to me, and they do help, and I thank you. I hope you read my previous post soon... I don't want you going through the day feeling like you caused me discomfort. So sorry again.

 

I'm sure you're probably right. He hasn't changed anything within himself. He's still an alcoholic. It was just a few short months ago that he was shacking up with a married woman. So hopefully he hasn't suddenly changed and will be the perfect guy to this ex of his. Not that she doesn't deserve a good guy of her own, but it would hurt if he gave her what he didn't give me, especially after she told me she no longer even cared anything about him. I hate the thought of him even getting as close to her as he and I got, and talking all the love talk, and just all that emotional closeness. But he did that with me and never followed through, so there's no reason to think he'll follow through with her.

 

I seem to attract men like this. You've mentioned this before and I think in my situation he could very well have a commitment issue. We got very close, but I don't think he would have gone further to marriage or anything like that because he was not completely emotionally open with me. There is a reason for that. That's besides the point. It's over now.

Same here, about attracting these kinds of men. You would never think that you or I could have commitment issues, but supposedly people who are attracted to cp's are cp's themselves. Everything I've read says this. I know I have commitment issues in all other areas of life, big time, so it could very well be the case. There's gotta be some reason you are attracted to men like him. Maybe worth exploring at some point, but you probably have to dig down really deep to find the answers. As for him, it sounds like he was satisfied with things as they were, and not really thinking about marriage or anything (I think you said he always kind of brushed off those conversations?). It was nothing to do with you. These men will be like this with anyone. But I also think it's worth noting that A LOT of men are like this, wanting to maintain the status quo, dragging their feet about commitment, being emotionally unavailable. It's actually distressing to think about how common it really seems to be. I can't recall if anyone here has recommended the book Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl? Another one for your list! The first half of the book discusses these men and what they do and why they do it, and the second half discusses why the woman gets involved with these types. The author has a website I'm sure you've heard of, Baggage Reclaim.

 

I was very lucky to catch my therapist early this morning. I needed the guidance and I'm sure he has a busy schedule. Glad he fit me in for a little talk this morning. God knows I needed it. I understand this is all apart of the process. I shouldn't fear. He kept saying it's normal to fear that he will be with someone else. It didn't take him long to start looking for female companionship. From what my therapist said, what else are they supposed to do when they leave the relationship. Life goes on. I can just tell by the type of women he is adding on Facebook, this is what he wants.

The type of women he's adding, though, makes it very clear that he's not seeking anything solid or serious. It's almost as if he's purposely looking for trash, because he knows he won't have to commit. It's no less hurtful that he's doing it, but maybe it makes it feel a tiny bit less personal to hear from your therapist that this is typical of men. I need to screenshot your paragraph about what your therapist said about this. You should too, and reread it any time you take it personally that he's talking to others. It feels like it's something about us and that we're being replaced, but it's really just their coping mechanisms and them seeking attention.

 

I'm going to have to cut this short, because I need to get ready and go to work for a little while. I fell back asleep for a while when I got home from house-sitting, so I'm running about an hour behind what I had planned. I'll talk to you later, and I hope you have an okay day. A good day is too much to strive for right now, so I'll just say an okay day I hope that it's free of yesterday's anxiety, and that you're making it through. Talk more soon.

[Ksol9]

No no, not at all! Not at all, I promise you. I would be having all my same thoughts regardless. For a minute, I wasn't quite understanding why you thought that my mood was your fault, but looking back, I think you misinterpreted something I said. When I said "I woke up in a really bad mood. Probably because of what we've been discussing here - just negative thoughts running amok"... I can see upon rereading how that must have sounded. Gosh, so sorry!!! To restate the sentence, what I truly meant was: The reason I'm in a bad mood is because my negative thoughts about him have been running amok; and just like we've discussed here, our negative thoughts can affect our moods. We were talking about it yesterday, with the need for replacing the negative with something more positive like your therapist suggested. So that's what I was referring to - not at all saying that our discussions here have caused me to have negative thoughts. Not the case at all. Very poorly worded sentence, I'm so sorry.

 

This all helps me very much. Talking about your stuff helps me understand my own stuff, and I hope vice versa for you. Like I said before, I really don't talk about this anywhere else anymore, because I feel like most people think I should have moved on long ago. I know that you get it, and that in itself helps me immensely

 

Oh ok..now I understand. I thought all the discussing we've been doing was at the root of why your mood was off. I must have misunderstood. Hope as your day is progressing, things are looking better. I know how hard it is, but just keep fighting the bad thoughts.

 

Im not having a good day at all. I have just been crying all day one and off. Relationships just aren't worth it. To have to pay for them with this suffering. The happiness it brought to my life isn't worth this pain. I keep thinking about what you have said and what my therapist said this morning. I know he had to go out of town today for work. I know this because he signed on Facebook at 5:25 am and that is the time he gets up when he has to go out of town. He hasn't been on since. I'm trying not to think about the young girl he added or what he's doing. It won't do me any good. I'm way too fragile right now to be thinking about that.

 

The type of women he's adding, though, makes it very clear that he's not seeking anything solid or serious. It's almost as if he's purposely looking for trash, because he knows he won't have to commit. It's no less hurtful that he's doing it, but maybe it makes it feel a tiny bit less personal to hear from your therapist that this is typical of men. I need to screenshot your paragraph about what your therapist said about this. You should too, and reread it any time you take it personally that he's talking to others. It feels like it's something about us and that we're being replaced, but it's really just their coping mechanisms and them seeking attention.

 

Feels like this feeling is endless. I know he isn't going through a fraction of what I'm going through. He's probably excited about whoever new is in his life. He doesn't want a relationship including the one he had with me. I need to let go of the rope because he isn't going to turn this around.

 

I was sitting my car crying. I reached over and opened the book my therapist gave me. I read a couple pages. Thats a start right? My tears are just falling like a water faucet. I don't even know what I'm really crying about exactly. I'm just really hurt. I have to wash my hair and I just want to sit and cry about that as well. My life is just in shambles.

[lostlove76]

Oh ok..now I understand. I thought all the discussing we've been doing was at the root of why your mood was off. I must have misunderstood. Hope as your day is progressing, things are looking better. I know how hard it is, but just keep fighting the bad thoughts.

No, that wasn't it at all, I promise. My sentence really was worded poorly, so I can see why it was misunderstood. The reason my mood was off was because I housesat last night and didn't quite get enough sleep, as well as letting my negative thoughts run about him and the ex. But ya know what, I fell back asleep for maybe an hour to two after writing that post, and when I got back up I felt pretty okay. Just goes to show how much sleep, or lack thereof, can affect our moods. I'm sure I'll start getting irritable later when I again start thinking about what he's doing, but for now I'm good. He's been online practically all day long; maybe that's another reason I feel okay. But no, most definitely had nothing at all to do about anything written here, so please never think that.

 

Im not having a good day at all. I have just been crying all day one and off. Relationships just aren't worth it. To have to pay for them with this suffering. The happiness it brought to my life isn't worth this pain. I keep thinking about what you have said and what my therapist said this morning.

I'm sorry you're having another bad day I feel that way sometimes, too, that relationships aren't worth it. But you know the old saying, "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." At least you got to experience the moments and feelings that you experienced, and once all the pain wears off, you'll be glad that you did. You're so fresh in the pain right now. It can't get any worse than this, at least - the only way to go from here is up. I know you believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe the reason you've gone through all this is so that you'll work through all the stuff you need to work on, and then you'll be in a better place when the next relationship comes along. Relationships can teach us a lot about ourselves.

 

Feels like this feeling is endless. I know he isn't going through a fraction of what I'm going through. He's probably excited about whoever new is in his life. He doesn't want a relationship including the one he had with me. I need to let go of the rope because he isn't going to turn this around.

I honestly feel like this is going to play out exactly like the last two times. I know you feel it's different, but I'm pretty sure I recall you saying that last time as well. I don't think he has anyone new that he's excited about. It's only been, what, 2 weeks? This young girl with the baby is no one to worry about. Why would she want him, anyways? At that age, she's either going to be looking for a party guy, or she's going to be looking for a daddy for her baby. He is NOT going to want to play daddy to some baby that isn't his. I really feel she's nothing to worry about. Just keep reminding yourself of this.

 

I was sitting my car crying. I reached over and opened the book my therapist gave me. I read a couple pages. Thats a start right?

Yes, that's a start. Even if you read one page a day, that's something. Eventually you'll read something that will grab your attention and you'll want to read further. Just go easy on yourself. Don't feel like you're not doing what you "should" be doing. If you need to just sit and cry, then do that.

 

How long do you think he'll be out of town?

[boltnrun]

Hopefully you can get to a point where you realize that getting back together with him isn't the solution to the pain, but would instead add to it when the relationship inevitably breaks down yet again.

 

Focusing on yourself is excellent. You're hurt and when you're hurt, in pain, whatever, you need to rest and heal.

 

Just out of curiosity, what do your parents think of him and your relationship with him?

[Ksol9]

No, that wasn't it at all, I promise. My sentence really was worded poorly, so I can see why it was misunderstood. The reason my mood was off was because I housesat last night and didn't quite get enough sleep, as well as letting my negative thoughts run about him and the ex. But ya know what, I fell back asleep for maybe an hour to two after writing that post, and when I got back up I felt pretty okay. Just goes to show how much sleep, or lack thereof, can affect our moods. I'm sure I'll start getting irritable later when I again start thinking about what he's doing, but for now I'm good. He's been online practically all day long; maybe that's another reason I feel okay. But no, most definitely had nothing at all to do about anything written here, so please never think that.

 

No worries about the misunderstanding. I'm glad that you were able to get some extra sleep. I notice the same thing with me. It's a no win if I haven't had enough sleep. As bolt said, when you're in pain, you need to rest and heal. This is especially true when you are going through something as emotionally challenging as a breakup. I am not strong enough to fight anything right now. I just need rest and solitude. If he was on all day, do you think he had the day off? I don't think he would be in a relationship if he's on facebook all day.

 

I'm sorry you're having another bad day I feel that way sometimes, too, that relationships aren't worth it. But you know the old saying, "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." At least you got to experience the moments and feelings that you experienced, and once all the pain wears off, you'll be glad that you did. You're so fresh in the pain right now. It can't get any worse than this, at least - the only way to go from here is up. I know you believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe the reason you've gone through all this is so that you'll work through all the stuff you need to work on, and then you'll be in a better place when the next relationship comes along. Relationships can teach us a lot about ourselves.

 

I'm still feeling absolutely awful. Alot of periods where I'm just crying and crying. I keep questioning why this is affecting me so terribly and I keep trying to remind myself that it has only been 2 weeks. I have no recollection of time right now. It feels like a very long time ago. I absolutely believe all of this is happening for a reason and I know I will continue to follow the same patterns in another relationship if I don't learn the reasons behind my poor decisions. That brings me to my next point....

 

I began reading that book and within the first few pages in the first chapter, I already knew this had something to do with me. I don't know much about codependency and I hope to get a better understanding in the weeks to follow. Just by reading that first chapter, I suggest you get that book off your bookshelf. I think it's important you read it. To understand codependancy, there are certain behaviors, attitudes, and feelings that accompany it. That was taken straight from the book. I'm searching for answers, for change. I know I am the only one who can change my own life. My therapist gave me this book for a reason. I hope I can uncover something just by reading it.

 

I honestly feel like this is going to play out exactly like the last two times. I know you feel it's different, but I'm pretty sure I recall you saying that last time as well. I don't think he has anyone new that he's excited about. It's only been, what, 2 weeks? This young girl with the baby is no one to worry about. Why would she want him, anyways? At that age, she's either going to be looking for a party guy, or she's going to be looking for a daddy for her baby. He is NOT going to want to play daddy to some baby that isn't his. I really feel she's nothing to worry about. Just keep reminding yourself of this.

 

I am trying not to think about the young girl or the married woman, but you know how that goes. I feel like he must of met her somewhere and looked her up on facebook. He probably has her phone number. She's so young...like fresh out of high school young. She may be in her early 20's, but she looks very young. Teen mom young. It's disturbing for a 38 year old man to be interested in her to be honest. I am just really hurt. I know I keep saying that, but I really don't know how to convey how I am feeling. Thank you for trying to ease my pain. You really do a good job of comforting me. I know there is nothing anyone can say or do to take this pain away. I am the only one who can do that. Its just so hard. I know I have said all these same things before. I have even gone back to re-read my previous posts from prior breakups to get myself out of denial..something, anything, but I just feel this time is very different. I don't see him trying to fix this thing at all. Not this time.

 

Yes, that's a start. Even if you read one page a day, that's something. Eventually you'll read something that will grab your attention and you'll want to read further. Just go easy on yourself. Don't feel like you're not doing what you "should" be doing. If you need to just sit and cry, then do that.

 

How long do you think he'll be out of town?

 

If you have some time, please read the book. I think you said you have it, but never got around to reading it. Maybe this is the reason, we chose to be in relationships like the ones we were in. Maybe, not. Still I think it's worth reading and you will benefit from it someway, somehow. I hope I can get myself out of this rut. I read the first chapter and will try to push myself to read more in a few.

 

As for him going out of town, I know he was out of town all day. Not sure if he will be heading back tonight or if they will be back tomorrow. When he goes out of town for work, he goes with another co-worker. They share a hotel room and they normally have dinner and drinks before going to bed. He hasn't signed on facebook at all today. Only once this morning at 5:30. I am assuming he is still out of town. He'll most likely be back tomorrow in the afternoon. I don't even want to start thinking about the weekend. It will send me in another downward spiral. I don't think it can get any worse than how I'm feeling right now. I know he isn't feeling the pain I'm feeling. He isn't worrying about what I'm doing. It's just impossible. He's living his life and doing whatever to make himself happy while I am here suffering and in pain.

 

I need to try to eat something. I've been so upset all day. I haven't eaten much. I guess I should force myself. Hope you're doing ok.

[Ksol9]

Hopefully you can get to a point where you realize that getting back together with him isn't the solution to the pain, but would instead add to it when the relationship inevitably breaks down yet again.

 

Focusing on yourself is excellent. You're hurt and when you're hurt, in pain, whatever, you need to rest and heal.

 

Just out of curiosity, what do your parents think of him and your relationship with him?

 

Hi bolt,

 

This is something my therapist spoke about. Right now I am in so much pain that I just want it to go away. I even thought of contacting him. I fought that thought all night. I won't contact him, but my point is that it's absolutely true that getting back together is not the solution to the pain. I desperately need to figure myself out. If I don't sort myself out, I don't see a future of happiness with him or with anyone else.

 

As for my parents, if you're familiar with my story, my parents are extremely supportive. They have spent quite a bit of time getting to know him and while they like him, they have said over and over that this pattern is unhealthy and it will continue until I put it to a stop. He has now put it to a stop, but here I am suffering and in pain. No parent wants to see their child in pain. They may think he is nice person, but they have candidly said that I deserve better and that they would support us, be there for us, guide us, but ultimately it is up to me and how I want to live my life. I think they've just seen the same red flags that I've chosen to ignore. They're such great people and will always be here to catch me when I fall. I just hate disappointing them. I will never forget what my father said to me when we got back together this last time. He said....ksol, I'm afraid for you. I was just in shock I didn't respond to him. I knew what he meant. He knew I would get hurt again and that is exactly what happened.

[lostlove76]

If he was on all day, do you think he had the day off? I don't think he would be in a relationship if he's on facebook all day.

Well, he quit getting on early evening and hasn't been on since. It does look like he had the day off. He made a cheerful comment on a mutual friend's page... first comment I've seen him make in ages. Since he stopped getting on a few hours ago, he either went early to the bar, or he's seeing/talking to someone. Sigh.

 

ETA: Right after I posted this, he got on. Of course my mind goes straight to "he must be looking for someone, or chatting with someone." I'm going to try not to look and see if the ex is on, because I know that she's been off for a couple of hours; and if she gets on right now, I'll know that it's because he messaged her. So I'm just not even going to look! I've been trying to see what she's up to, but maybe I'll cut that in half. Eventually maybe I won't care what any of these people are up to at all. He's still on. He either had the day off, or he's working midnight shift. I don't even know his schedule anymore.

 

I keep questioning why this is affecting me so terribly and I keep trying to remind myself that it has only been 2 weeks.

Yes, it's very early in the process. All very fresh. I think, too, that some of us just get more deeply attached than others, and therefore have a much harder time detaching. Maybe part of that is the codependency? I personally believe it has a lot to do with the attachment theory that I've talked about here before, too. Some people seem able to brush a breakup off their shoulders in a relatively quick amount of time, but you and I aren't like that. It takes us longer, and it seems we suffer more. Or maybe it's the on/off nature of the relationship that makes it so hard to accept things and move on. All of the above, I am sure.

 

I began reading that book and within the first few pages in the first chapter, I already knew this had something to do with me. I don't know much about codependency and I hope to get a better understanding in the weeks to follow. Just by reading that first chapter, I suggest you get that book off your bookshelf. I think it's important you read it. To understand codependancy, there are certain behaviors, attitudes, and feelings that accompany it. That was taken straight from the book. I'm searching for answers, for change. I know I am the only one who can change my own life. My therapist gave me this book for a reason. I hope I can uncover something just by reading it.

I'm glad to hear that it's resonating with you! This will give you something to focus on, and hopefully give you some answers. I really don't know much about codependency either. You hear the term thrown around a lot, but I would have to make a guess if I were to try to define it. That's a highly respected book, from what I've heard, so I imagine that you'll get a lot out of it.

 

If you have some time, please read the book. I think you said you have it, but never got around to reading it. Maybe this is the reason, we chose to be in relationships like the ones we were in. Maybe, not. Still I think it's worth reading and you will benefit from it someway, somehow. I hope I can get myself out of this rut. I read the first chapter and will try to push myself to read more in a few.

I do have a copy, and I really should start reading it as well, I know. I have to be in the right place to focus on myself, and I'm not sure I'm there yet. And I'm a procrastinator. But I'll try to read it soon. I will put that on my to-do list

 

As for him going out of town, I know he was out of town all day. Not sure if he will be heading back tonight or if they will be back tomorrow. When he goes out of town for work, he goes with another co-worker. They share a hotel room and they normally have dinner and drinks before going to bed. He hasn't signed on facebook at all today. Only once this morning at 5:30. I am assuming he is still out of town. He'll most likely be back tomorrow in the afternoon.

Well, from that, it sounds like at least you won't have much cause to worry while he's out of town for a day or two. It doesn't sound like there would be the time or opportunity to meet anyone, or even talk to anyone on the phone much, since he's with his coworker.

As for the younger girl, it was probably just a passing interest, if anything at all. She's too young for someone his age, and she has a baby on her hip. Maybe he just liked whatever attention she gave him; an in-the-moment ego boost. I feel there's no need to worry about her. He's not seeking anything serious, so if he's chatting up other women, he's seeking out inappropriate women (married, too young, etc) so that he doesn't have to commit or form any relationship. I know that the thought of it still hurts though. Believe me, I know.

 

I know I have said all these same things before. I have even gone back to re-read my previous posts from prior breakups to get myself out of denial..something, anything, but I just feel this time is very different. I don't see him trying to fix this thing at all. Not this time.

If that's what ends up happening, him not trying to fix it, then maybe the timing just isn't right at this time. Maybe if you're apart for awhile and grow separately as individuals, then maybe some time in the future you'll end up back in each other's lives and all the cards will fall into place for it to work. I know that's not what you want, or what you would choose. I know you want him back right now. But try to find peace in the thought that if it's meant to be, it will happen when you're both ready for it.

 

I hope you got some dinner, and that your night has been a little easier than last night.

[lostlove76]

Hi bolt,

 

This is something my therapist spoke about. Right now I am in so much pain that I just want it to go away. I even thought of contacting him. I fought that thought all night. I won't contact him, but my point is that it's absolutely true that getting back together is not the solution to the pain. I desperately need to figure myself out. If I don't sort myself out, I don't see a future of happiness with him or with anyone else.

 

As for my parents, if you're familiar with my story, my parents are extremely supportive. They have spent quite a bit of time getting to know him and while they like him, they have said over and over that this pattern is unhealthy and it will continue until I put it to a stop. He has now put it to a stop, but here I am suffering and in pain. No parent wants to see their child in pain. They may think he is nice person, but they have candidly said that I deserve better and that they would support us, be there for us, guide us, but ultimately it is up to me and how I want to live my life. I think they've just seen the same red flags that I've chosen to ignore. They're such great people and will always be here to catch me when I fall. I just hate disappointing them. I will never forget what my father said to me when we got back together this last time. He said....ksol, I'm afraid for you. I was just in shock I didn't respond to him. I knew what he meant. He knew I would get hurt again and that is exactly what happened.

 

My parents are the exact same way. You're very lucky to have that

[lostlove76]

Well, darnit. I was being good about not looking to see when the ex was last on. I did check out of curiosity right around the time I saw him get on, and it was 2+ hours ago. So I knew if I checked again and saw her on, it would be obvious that she got on because he just messaged her, and it would really really bother me. So I didn't check! And wasn't going to, either. But then I was scrolling though my newsfeed, and saw that she made a couple of posts right during the same time period he was on. At least now she just popped back on, and he hasn't (yet). I'm honestly wondering if I need to unfriend her. I have very little self-control when it comes to looking, so saying not to look or to just unfollow her posts won't work. Every time I see them on at the same time, it bothers me and my mood changes from okay to irritable. I KNOW how she is, from seeing her post all over his page in the past... despite her supposedly not having feelings. So I'm quite sure that she's all over him this time, too. It used to bother me SO much to see all her posts on his page when in our off periods (at that time, his page was public). It looked like she was marking her territory. So I guess that's what I expect she's doing now, as well. No, I have no rights over him, but like I said, she and I got friendly and confided in each other and she insisted she cared nothing for him and never wanted anything to do with him again. I'm just afraid if I unfriend her she'll say something to him about it, and end up telling him everything I told her, if she hasn't already. And I'm afraid I would regret losing access to see what's going on on her page. I know this sounds stupid to some of you, but sorry, my feelings for him are still there and it still hurts to think of him connecting with others.

 

I guess I just needed to vent

 

ETA: he just got back on, so they're not talking on the phone at least. See, this is what our minds do ksol. We form a picture in our head of who they're talking to and imagine it turning into something more. But maybe it's all in our imaginations.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove,

 

I read your posts and will respond when I get on my laptop. I'm laying in bed on my phone. I'm having a really hard time. Just can't stop crying. I fell asleep for a few hours but just woke up and can't go back to sleep. I'm so hopeless.

 

I read a little bit more of the book, but I'm so upset that there are moments my mind is not there. It's just as you said, you have to be focused to begin reading. I was desperate for any kind of distraction to get my mind going in another direction. It worked temporarily.

 

This weekend is going to be really rough. I worry a lot about what he's doing even when I shouldn't. He's living his life and I'm here worrying about what he's doing. I went online just a little while ago to see if he had been on since the last time he was on was at 5:30 am. He finally signed in at 1am. It's so strange to see him sign in at that hour. He's normally sleeping. Since we broke up, his activity is so weird. He's rarely on and when he does go on, it's at weird times. When he is up that late, it makes me question if he was with someone. I guess I just think the worst. Still there is no activity on his Facebook. No new picture, posts, or likes. Maybe he met someone new and just hasn't posted about it yet since he just got out of a relationship with me.

 

I feel so broken inside. Like this feeling will never go away. I don't have the patience. Whenever I wake up, it's like a wave of sadness that just takes over me as I realize he's not near me. I miss him so much. I still don't understand how he just walked away without a care. There is no way he is feeling the pain I'm feeling. This has to be one of the worst feelings in the world...these breakups are just too much for me to handle. I have this heavy feeling on my chest constantly. My eyes hurt from crying. He will never know the extent of my pain. I remember us talking about our time apart, but we spoke about it in a lighthearted way. I never told him how I was in dibilitating pain. He said he was in pain but never explained the extent of it. He's just so cold. He treated me like I was nothing to him. Why can't I use that as strength to let go? He's not thinking about me constantly. Why can't I be like him? Treat him the same way he treated me or does he think I treated him worse? He said..I honestly don't know how we lasted this long. Those words make me feel like he never loved me. Like all that we shared meant nothing. Like it was dead long ago. Why does that strike pain and not anger? This time is not like the others and I think that is why he said the things he said. There is no turning back. Why can't I understand I'm better off? I feel so betrayed.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I certainly do know how you feel. I wish there was something I could say to make it better. Just keep in mind that you really don't know what he's thinking or feeling, just as he doesn't know what you're thinking or feeling. He may very well see you as cold, too. I say that not to make you feel bad at all, but to show that someone's actions really don't always indicate their true feelings. People always say to look at actions, and while I agree to some extent, I also think it's a bit too black and white. I know for myself that I often act completely contradictory to how I feel. You do too. Just like him, you sent some angry texts and then went silent. You didn't answer his final phone call, and you haven't reached out. So he may very well conclude the same things that you're thinking about him. We feel like he should just KNOW all the pain he caused, and what he should do to fix it. But what if he really doesn't know? What if he's just as confused as you are?

 

As for his words about not knowing how you stayed together as long as you did, that was said out of pure frustration.

 

The fact is that we have no information at all about what he's thinking. He could be thinking the same things you're thinking. We just don't know. And unless and until there is some sort of communication, neither of you will ever know what is going on in the other's head. This was the problem in the last two breakups, as well: the silence. While there are certainly some things to be said for going NC, I'm not sure it's helpful in a situation like this. I'm NOT suggesting you reach out to him, because I don't think you're currently strong enough to handle any outcome. And we really don't have enough clues as to how he would react. Im sorry if I seem to be talking in circles. I guess I sometimes feel divided in my take on the situation... so please always take what I say more as food for thought than as suggestions. I'm wondering if I should delete this whole paragraph, but I'm on my phone and it's hard to review.

 

I guess maybe what it all boils down to is a complete lack of communication. This is the third breakup. Looking back, there was really no benefit in both of you remaining silent for as long as you did before getting back together. Nothing good came of that. Nothing really changed when you resumed the relationship. There was no way to foresee this then, but what it ended up being was "a break" during which neither of you spoke, not really a breakup. This time will be the same if he calls in a few weeks. So this just suggests that the major problem here is lack of communication.

 

This may be really unhelpful right now, and if it is, I'm sorry I automatically go into analyzing mode, and I honestly don't know if you need that right now or not. I know you're just hurting and nothing can change that. I'm so sorry that you feel this way. I guess in conclusion of this post I'll just say that I really don't believe at all that you were nothing to him. I think these NC periods hurt more than they help, but I don't really know the solution to that.

 

I hope you get some more sleep. One good thing about the weekend is that YOU can take a rest, no matter what he is doing. If you need to spend it all in bed, then do that. Just do what you need to do to get through. You can be strong later. You're in the beginning of this thing, and no one expects you to have it all together just yet. Be patient with yourself.

[Ksol9]

Hey lostlove,

 

Thanks for posting last night. You always offer me comfort in times that I'm struggling. Thank you for always reminding me to look at things from a different perspective. It pushes me to get out of my negative thinking.

 

I didn't wake up today feeling any better. Just stuck in a very dark, dark place. I went to the office and rushed through paperwork. I left and now I'm sitting at a nearby park just getting some fresh air. I brought the book with me. I don't want to go anywhere this weekend but maybe it will be good for me. I may leave tomorrow and come back on Sunday. For today, I just need to rest and take some time to myself. He's been pretty active online this morning. I'm assuming he's back home now. I've been wondering if maybe he has someone new and that's why he isn't online much. Maybe he is spending time at her house or her at his. I guess it's like you said, my mind will always wonder what he's doing and who he's with. He doesn't post anything, so there's really no way to tell how he's spending his time. Maybe he eventually will. I'm just missing him a lot today.

 

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about the children. I wonder how they are doing. I noticed I am able to accept and grieve that they are gone and I may never speak or see them again. Maybe because they aren't my children. I know they are in good hands with their mother and I'm happy they get a chance to build a new life and relationship with her.

 

I'll probably be here for a bit longer and then I'll head home to watch the inagurantion. Then I'll be able to respond to your other posts on my laptop. I hope you're in better spirits today and that you were able to get some good rest. Do you have to work this weekend? Any plans?

[Ksol9]

Well, darnit. I was being good about not looking to see when the ex was last on. I did check out of curiosity right around the time I saw him get on, and it was 2+ hours ago. So I knew if I checked again and saw her on, it would be obvious that she got on because he just messaged her, and it would really really bother me. So I didn't check! And wasn't going to, either. But then I was scrolling though my newsfeed, and saw that she made a couple of posts right during the same time period he was on. At least now she just popped back on, and he hasn't (yet). I'm honestly wondering if I need to unfriend her. I have very little self-control when it comes to looking, so saying not to look or to just unfollow her posts won't work. Every time I see them on at the same time, it bothers me and my mood changes from okay to irritable. I KNOW how she is, from seeing her post all over his page in the past... despite her supposedly not having feelings. So I'm quite sure that she's all over him this time, too. It used to bother me SO much to see all her posts on his page when in our off periods (at that time, his page was public). It looked like she was marking her territory. So I guess that's what I expect she's doing now, as well. No, I have no rights over him, but like I said, she and I got friendly and confided in each other and she insisted she cared nothing for him and never wanted anything to do with him again. I'm just afraid if I unfriend her she'll say something to him about it, and end up telling him everything I told her, if she hasn't already. And I'm afraid I would regret losing access to see what's going on on her page. I know this sounds stupid to some of you, but sorry, my feelings for him are still there and it still hurts to think of him connecting with others.

 

I guess I just needed to vent

 

ETA: he just got back on, so they're not talking on the phone at least. See, this is what our minds do ksol. We form a picture in our head of who they're talking to and imagine it turning into something more. But maybe it's all in our imaginations.

 

I agree that our fears do not always come to pass. Sometimes we manifest things and hold on to it so much so that it begins to breed and grow even more negative thoughts. I think it's normal to worry about who an ex is spending time with, are they thinking of you, do they miss you, what are they doing...all those questions are normal. I think the larger question is how to control those thoughts and how to productively cope. I could bet my last dime that he's not thinking about me. There is no way he is suffering anything close to the pain I am experiencing. This was his decision and if at any moment he felt he was wrong or wanted to change his mind, I don't think there is anything that could stop a man who wanted to be with a woman. He would find his way to let me know. I think he has just been going through his rounds, popping back in the lives of women of his past, trying to find someone new, and may even be excited about someone new that he has met or is pursuing. I know I've said this all before, but I truly believe this was the last round him and I had.

 

So here I am trying to pick up the pieces again. On a day like today, I don't even know where to start. I've been crying for 2 days. I feel like I'm stuck.

 

As for the ex on your friend's list. I don't think you should unfriend her. From an outside perspective, I don't think there is anything to worry about. I think they reconnected and it was just a facebook reconnection. I don't think there was anything more to it. As much as I try to reassure you, I know you have seen proof that they are now facebook friends and that alone is enough for your negative thoughts to run wild. I know you tell me this about my situation all the time. I truly believe if anything was going on, you would see signs of it through her posts or comments...something along those lines. There has been nothing. Please try not to worry yourself. I know it's easier said than done.

 

I wanted to ask you lostlove...at this point, after 7 months, do you still feel consumed by him and the breakup? Are you happy and just feel like he is missing or are you just plain unhappy? Sorry if my question seems a bit odd. I just don't see myself finding happiness anytime soon. I feel so discouraged about my future near and far. The work and research that I need to do on myself seems so overwhelming that I just want to give up.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm sorry to hear that you're still feeling bad today. At least you were able to leave work early. I imagine it's really hard to focus on work right now. Whether you go somewhere or stay home this weekend, at least your mind will have a couple of days of space to process things. People always suggest going out with friends and getting out of the house during these times. I myself find that I need to completely alone with my own thoughts. I guess it's different for everyone. It probably would do you some good to get out of town, but nothing wrong with saying home, either.

 

I stayed up really late and slept in, haven't eaten yet, so I'm not quite clear-headed just yet. Just wanted to pop in and read your posts, but I'll respond to them in just a little bit after I eat something. I hope you enjoyed your time at the park. That sounds really nice, to be out in the fresh air with open spaces and pretty scenery. Do you live in a crowded city, or is it pretty quiet? I think you said it's a small town without much to do. Sounds perfect to me I hate crowds and traffic.

 

Sorry to cut this short, but I will talk to you soon

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I'm sorry to hear that you're still feeling bad today. At least you were able to leave work early. I imagine it's really hard to focus on work right now. Whether you go somewhere or stay home this weekend, at least your mind will have a couple of days of space to process things. People always suggest going out with friends and getting out of the house during these times. I myself find that I need to completely alone with my own thoughts. I guess it's different for everyone. It probably would do you some good to get out of town, but nothing wrong with saying home, either.

 

I stayed up really late and slept in, haven't eaten yet, so I'm not quite clear-headed just yet. Just wanted to pop in and read your posts, but I'll respond to them in just a little bit after I eat something. I hope you enjoyed your time at the park. That sounds really nice, to be out in the fresh air with open spaces and pretty scenery. Do you live in a crowded city, or is it pretty quiet? I think you said it's a small town without much to do. Sounds perfect to me I hate crowds and traffic.

 

Sorry to cut this short, but I will talk to you soon

 

 

Hi there,

 

Still not feeling any better. I've been reading and trying to keep calm. Since it's the weekend, I have extra anxiety because I'm thinking about him and what he will be doing. The reading is coming along well. I can't believe how much relates to me in that book. I will have a lot to discuss when I go to my next therapy appointment. The book gives a lot of scenarios that involve relationships with alcoholics, so that again may be beneficial to you. I'm still trying to connect dots but maybe by the end of the book I'll find some clarity. It's a great read so far though.

 

I live in a small town. I grew up here, but moved to a larger city for college. I always hated this small town. Couldn't wait to get out, but I've come to appreciate its beauty and ambiance. It's really a special town. The park I went to is so cool. Wish I could attach a photo of it. It has grass and trees, but also has a number of water fountains and running, man made contemporary looking streams...if that makes any sense. Just trying to give you a visual. I see a lot of people walking their dogs, exercising, etc. I normally sit at a bench near the water fountains. I sat there and read for quite a bit. It's really relaxing to go there just to sit with my thoughts. I often pray. I stopped going when we got back together because I always felt like I was so busy and any spare time I had, I wanted to nap or do nothing. Now looking back, I was so emotionally drained and it was my fault. I allowed myself to over invest in him and his children. It's so important to take care of YOU first...something I completely neglected. I didn't even realize I was doing that. If I was aware, maybe things would have turned out differently. I think if I was aware of a lot of other things, things may not have ended like they did.

 

Chat with you again soon. I'm starting to feel sleepy. I didn't get good sleep last night. I'll have my laptop near in case you do write, so I can respond. Hope you're doing ok and not worrying too much about him or his ex.

[lostlove76]

I wanted to ask you lostlove...at this point, after 7 months, do you still feel consumed by him and the breakup? Are you happy and just feel like he is missing or are you just plain unhappy? Sorry if my question seems a bit odd. I just don't see myself finding happiness anytime soon. I feel so discouraged about my future near and far. The work and research that I need to do on myself seems so overwhelming that I just want to give up.

 

Hi again. I still haven't eaten, and I'm starving. But my dad ran to the store and said he would pick me up something from the deli, so I'm waiting on that. Just much easier than trying to find something or make something. I thought I would answer this question while I wait, and then reply to the rest of it after I eat.

 

I'll just be fully honest in answering this, because I know you wouldn't want me to be anything less. I wish I could tell you that I'm totally happy now and that life is great. I know you're worried about feeling awful for a really long time. I wouldn't say I'm happy, but I haven't done anything at all to make myself happy. So you don't have to end up where I am 7 months down the road. HOWEVER, having said that, I will say that it's not nearly as awful as it was at the beginning. It has gotten better to a large degree. In the beginning, I felt exactly as you are feeling. It was all-consuming. I had a ton of sadness and depression and confusion and anxiety, just as you are. I thought it would never go away. But eventually I noticed that I started to have one or two days a week when I felt kind of okay, where I could at least function, and laugh at little things, and didn't feel like I was drowning in quicksand. Over time, that increased to three or four days a week. And now, I'm mostly okay most of the time. I may have one day a week, two at the most, when I feel really depressed for whatever reason. On the other days, he's still always on my mind, but it's not all-consuming. I'm able to work or chat with my parents or watch a good tv show without him being at the forefront of my mind the whole time. I imagine that things will continue to improve. It's just taken time, and it's been a very gradual process. But it does get better. It will eventually get better for you, too. How I'm feeling now is 100 times better than the nightmare I was living after it happened, and the nightmare you are living now. I never thought I would even feel okay again. So while I wouldn't call myself happy, I'm grateful that I can at least say that I'm okay. Your process may play out like mine, or you may get through it at a much faster pace. You're in therapy, and I wasn't. And you're a lot more self-focused than I was, taking the steps and having the desire to better yourself. That's a really good start.

 

I also wanted to comment on your last sentence, about feeling overwhelmed and wanting to give up. I would suggest not to bog yourself down in the "self-focus." It's most definitely something beneficial to do, but if you try to do too much of it all at once, you really will feel overwhelmed. So pace yourself. Do some of that, but also give yourself the time and space to simply grieve. There's no hurry in bettering yourself or figuring it all out. It's a process, and it will take time. You can't change in a day. Even if you read two pages of your book a day, and spend 10 minutes writing down what you're thankful for, that is something. Be gentle with yourself, and don't push too hard. It takes way too much mental energy to jump full-force into trying to fix and change and figure out, and you don't have that kind of energy right now. You will in time. It's better to go slow than to tire yourself out and then quit. That's my opinion, anyways. And that's not to suggest doing nothing (I myself did practically nothing), but just go easy is what I'm saying.

 

It will get better, ksol. If I can see improvements after how horribly I felt, I know that you can too. I'll be back in a little while to reply to more.

[lostlove76]

Hi again. I finally ate something and now I can focus more clearly. Your park sounds really peaceful and beautiful! We have several really nice parks around here, and I would love to go and just sit or walk around. But I feel really self-conscious doing those things by myself. I've always been that way, whether it's going to the park or anywhere else alone unless it's a quick in and out. So I admire that you can site there alone and enjoy it. I really wish that I could. There's something very calming about nature, pretty scenery, and running water. I'm envious that you live in a small town. I guess my town is small, too, actually, but it's right next to a really crowded town, and that's where you have to go to do much of anything. We have a few basics here - grocery stores and fast food - but it's 5 minutes down the road from the crowded town, so it just doesn't feel all that small. We do have a lot of open land and wooded areas around here, though, which is very nice.

 

I stopped going when we got back together because I always felt like I was so busy and any spare time I had, I wanted to nap or do nothing. Now looking back, I was so emotionally drained and it was my fault. I allowed myself to over invest in him and his children. It's so important to take care of YOU first...something I completely neglected. I didn't even realize I was doing that. If I was aware, maybe things would have turned out differently. I think if I was aware of a lot of other things, things may not have ended like they did.

I agree that this is important (focusing on yourself) and can solve a lot of relationship problems. But I wouldn't call it your fault, because I truly don't think you could help being hyperfocused on the relationship. I know that I couldn't help it. So please don't blame yourself for anything. I think it will take a lot of time and really hard work to change those patterns of always being worried and focused on what your partner is doing and has done. I also think it's possible that with the right partner, you wouldn't be nearly as prone to doing those things. I know I've probably mentioned this to death, but attachments styles have a lot to do with this. Anxious styles are going to worry. But being with a secure style partner is supposed to help an anxious become more secure. You were with an avoidant, which is the WORST type for an anxious. I know you tested as secure on that test, but I really really think you are clearly anxious style. If you were with a partner who made you feel safer, I don't believe you would worry quite as much and I think you'd feel more freedom to focus on yourself. He wasn't the guy to make you feel that security.

 

He's been pretty active online this morning. I'm assuming he's back home now. I've been wondering if maybe he has someone new and that's why he isn't online much. Maybe he is spending time at her house or her at his. I guess it's like you said, my mind will always wonder what he's doing and who he's with. He doesn't post anything, so there's really no way to tell how he's spending his time. Maybe he eventually will. I'm just missing him a lot today.

Yes, no matter what he's doing online, you'll still worry. When mine isn't getting on hardly at all, like for several days during the beginning of the week, it made me feel like he was with someone. Now that he's been on a ton the past couple of days, it makes me feel like it's because he's talking to the ex. We'll always find reason to worry, no matter what they seem to be doing or not doing, because we really have no clue what they're doing. At least you haven't seen any signs that he's with someone else, or even talking to someone else. Just because he added the young girl doesn't mean that they're talking. Maybe she's a friend-collector, and adds anyone she meets. Just be glad for now that there are no clues he's involved with anyone.

 

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about the children. I wonder how they are doing. I noticed I am able to accept and grieve that they are gone and I may never speak or see them again. Maybe because they aren't my children. I know they are in good hands with their mother and I'm happy they get a chance to build a new life and relationship with her.

I'm sorry, I know you miss them. I have no experience being close with children, so I can't really say that I know how you feel. But I know you spent a lot of time with them, and that it hurts to have them out of your life. At least you do know they're safe and in a good place, so you don't have to worry in that regard. I'm sure they think of you and miss you too.

 

if at any moment he felt he was wrong or wanted to change his mind, I don't think there is anything that could stop a man who wanted to be with a woman. He would find his way to let me know.

I'm not sure whether to believe in this theory or not. It's what we're told and have been led to believe throughout our lives. But people are just so much more complex than that. There are so many things that will hold a person back from reaching out (and I guess men are people too, right? lol. sometimes it doesn't seem like it). Fear of rejection, not knowing what the other is thinking, stubbornness, pride, not knowing what to say, feeling confusion, thinking the other person hates them, thinking the other wants to be left alone, etc etc. The fantasy is that a man will chase and pursue and do everything to get us back if that's what he wants, but that just might not be the case. So I don't know about that one.

 

As for the ex on your friend's list. I don't think you should unfriend her. From an outside perspective, I don't think there is anything to worry about. I think they reconnected and it was just a facebook reconnection. I don't think there was anything more to it. As much as I try to reassure you, I know you have seen proof that they are now facebook friends and that alone is enough for your negative thoughts to run wild. I know you tell me this about my situation all the time. I truly believe if anything was going on, you would see signs of it through her posts or comments...something along those lines. There has been nothing. Please try not to worry yourself. I know it's easier said than done.

Thank you for this. My mind does get away from me, imagining them talking 24/7 and riding off into the sunset together. The thought of it puts me in a really bad mood, just makes me feel edgy and irritable. I won't unfriend her for now. If she does start posting things that are in obvious reference to him, then I'll probably unfriend her at that point because I really don't want to look at it. I imagine, though, that she would keep it all on the downlow because she knows how hurt I was by him, and she knows I can see her page. But I'll just wait and see for now.

 

Since it's the weekend, I have extra anxiety because I'm thinking about him and what he will be doing.

He may not end up doing anything at all. You said he's not very social, and he seems to keep to himself a lot like I do. So he may very well just sit in the apartment and play video games all weekend, relaxing after working all week. I myself plan to sit at home all weekend, other than going to work for a few hours one day. I know you'll be worried about it, though. At least this weekend is only two days instead of three like last weekend. Did you decide whether to go out of town or not?

 

I hope you're getting some rest. I'll keep checking back in to see if you've written. Just remember to be kind to yourself, and just get through each moment. That's all that can be expected right now. It will get better with time.

[boltnrun]

I think it's great that you both have such wonderful, loving parents. I've been parent-less for a long time (mother passed away in the 1990s, father was a deadbeat who's been out of my life since I was a teen), so I do envy you both.

 

Ksol, your parents seem to be doing a good job of walking the fine line between being supportive and yet realistic. Your father sounds like a wise and caring man.

 

I know as a parent of adult children myself, that it is very important to let your children live their lives and make their own mistakes. But it's very difficult when you see them doing things that hurt themselves. You cannot step in no matter how much you want to.

 

Please allow your parents to be kind to you. You may fear you are overburdening them, but I assure you they don't see it that way.

[Ksol9]

I suddenly remembered something he said a few days before the breakup. He said..I know I don't make you happy and that totally sucks. I'm feeling all kinds of guilty right now. I feel like I made a huge mess of what could have been a potentially great relationship.

 

I could give you a list of things he has done wrong, but what about what I've done? I know I've treated him poorly. I just miss him so much. I don't want to feel like this. A big part of me wishes I never met him. Look at all the suffering I'm going through. I should have known a long time ago that this was going in a bad direction. I had plenty of opportunities to end the relationship earlier on. Why did I stay and become so invested? I'm really paying for those mistakes right now. Two people who loved eachother ended up like enemies. I really feel like he hates my guts and I'm sure he thinks the same of me as my last text read..I don't ever want to see your face or hear from you ever again! I'm just in a state of confusion. I think I'm bargaining with myself.

 

I'm not sure whether to believe in this theory or not. It's what we're told and have been led to believe throughout our lives. But people are just so much more complex than that. There are so many things that will hold a person back from reaching out (and I guess men are people too, right? lol. sometimes it doesn't seem like it). Fear of rejection, not knowing what the other is thinking, stubbornness, pride, not knowing what to say, feeling confusion, thinking the other person hates them, thinking the other wants to be left alone, etc etc. The fantasy is that a man will chase and pursue and do everything to get us back if that's what he wants, but that just might not be the case. So I don't know about that one.

 

I think you're right about this. I would just like to believe that all men would be like that I guess, but it doesn't work that way in this day and age. Of course there are men would cross any mountain, but from my experience from our breakups, he is full of pride and stubbornness. It took him a very long time to come forward after the first break up. I believe it was about 7 or 8 weeks. He posted alot of songs and photos to try to get me to reach out I guess. When he saw it wasn't working he reached out. Same thing with the second breakup. He sent me a couple messages to see how I would respond. Then there was a long period of silence. Finally, he reached out by sending me a photo of all of us. I notice he isn't straightforward at all. He waits to see how I react and then when he sees I won't reject, then he will make his point....and none of it was done with direct phone calls. Both times were through text. He said he was afraid that I would reject him. This time I think things are in such a mess and he sees the situation as completely helpless. That is why he made the decision he made and that isn't going to change. I noticed he added another woman. This woman I recognize from his cousin's facebook page. His cousin lives in NY, so he doesn't know her personally. I don't know what that was about. She is also in a relationship. Not trashy looking at all, just looks like a random add. He still hasn't posted anything on his page. There has been no activity. I feel like he is seeing someone new. I know it's only been 2 weeks, but that's just how I feel and I think that is why he hasn't been posting. It is only after a little while he will post.

 

My chest is tight with anxiety and I have a knot in my throat. I don't want to cry anymore. I wish I could sleep. Maybe I need to start reading again. Why am I sitting here, 2 weeks later, worrying about him? He is probably somewhere off with someone new and isn't worrying a thing about me. The longer I hold on to this, the longer I will be in pain.

 

Thank you for this. My mind does get away from me, imagining them talking 24/7 and riding off into the sunset together. The thought of it puts me in a really bad mood, just makes me feel edgy and irritable. I won't unfriend her for now. If she does start posting things that are in obvious reference to him, then I'll probably unfriend her at that point because I really don't want to look at it. I imagine, though, that she would keep it all on the downlow because she knows how hurt I was by him, and she knows I can see her page. But I'll just wait and see for now.

 

This is exactly how I feel when I start thinking about how he is off with someone else. I am extremely edgy and irritable with just about everyone. I just want to be left alone. I don't like how I am feeling at all. It's not nice and I don't even like myself right now. I also, agree that you shouldn't delete her at this time. You don't know for sure if they are talking and if you delete her, I think your anxiety will be much worse than it is now. I honestly dont think anything is going on between them, but I'm sure no one can change the way you feel about it.

 

He may not end up doing anything at all. You said he's not very social, and he seems to keep to himself a lot like I do. So he may very well just sit in the apartment and play video games all weekend, relaxing after working all week. I myself plan to sit at home all weekend, other than going to work for a few hours one day. I know you'll be worried about it, though. At least this weekend is only two days instead of three like last weekend. Did you decide whether to go out of town or not?

 

You may be right, but I know him as a full time dad. He enjoyed staying home and if we went out it was to do activities with the children. He isn't a very social at all and doesn't care for nightclubs, but with this recent change in his life including the breakup, I think he is probably trying to get out as much as possible. He is probably going places and meeting people and doing things to occupy himself. Of course I could be wrong, but I just think his lifestyle is completely different now that he is alone. I'm sure he is either spending time with someone new or is out trying to find someone new. Gosh, that just kills me to think he moved on so quickly, but then again, if he could walk away and not give a care..he could easily be with someone new right now.

 

I decided I would go out of town tomorrow. I have a couple of things to do at the office in the morning and then I will leave right after. Wish there was a way to shake this feeling. It weighs on me heavily every single day. I don't want to live my life like this any longer. I really believe this is over for good and that I won't hear from him ever again. I'm trying to focus on myself and I am doing everything I can do right now to try to learn and grow from this, but nothing is going to be enough. I just miss him so very much.