Ksol9 Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 Hi ksol. I don't know what time I ended up falling asleep. I just got up, and it doesn't feel like I got enough, but that's nearly always the case. I must have passed out around the time you posted, because I didn't see that there was anything new. I was just reading random stories trying to relax my mind. I think if you and I could both get at least a week of solid sleep, we'd be much better able to cope with things. I hope you feel like you got enough last night. Hi lostlove, you're so right about getting proper sleep. When our bodies and minds are not rested properly, fed properly, it makes it much more difficult to cope. That is why self care is so important in times you are dealing with emotional issues. This breakup is taking a toll on me and no matter how much sleep I get, it doesn't feel like enough. I slept off and on for many, many hours last night. I got home around 4 yesterday and slept throughout the evening and into the night until this morning. Got a good bit of sleep, but of course, with this depression it doesn't feel like enough. I actually just got in from my therapy appointment. I was eager to get home so I could share everything we spoke about in today's visit. I explained everything that happened with me emotionally over the past week and especially what happened over the weekend. I focused on talking about my negative thoughts and emotions that follow. I told him about facebook and how I just wish this whole thing could turn around even if I know it isn't good for me right now. He was extremely resourceful and even gave me a book on codependency which I feel could very well be the reason I have chosen to be in relationships such as this one and the one prior. He gave me two ways that I could start working on to retrain my mind to stop thinking negatively. He said that when we think negatively, our mind develops neurotransmitters that train our brain to think this way. It becomes natural to think negatively. It becomes apart of us because this is what we do. If we don't interrupt that pattern and form new habits or kill those negative transmitters, our brains will continue to function the way it always has because it thinks...."this is what YOU want." To me translated this as what we would call a bad habit. How do I break these bad habits? He gave me 2 ways to start. They seem so simple, but I guess it takes real work and over time it may become easier to do. 1.) Stop yourself...mid thought. He told me to literally shout to myself, "Stop it ksol!" Anytime I think negatively or obsessively about anything, including him, whether I've been thinking about it for 2 days or 2 minutes, as soon as I notice this is a bad thought, stop myself. Interrupt that thought and replace it with something positive. Something that I enjoy like, a certain food, my pet, exercising, the beach....just a nice thought. Replace a bad thought, with something positive. I have to actually say this out loud or write it on a reminder...form of affirmation I guess. 2.) Everyday, write a list of things I am thankful for. It could be small or big. Just anything I should be thankful for throughout my day. The purpose of this is because, as a negative thinker, I focus so much on bad that I forget what good is happening in my life..even the simple things. When I think about it, these are simple steps...they really are. I need to interrupt the way I've been thinking and simply try to think about good things. All I do is think about him. What he is doing, who he is talking to, is he thinking about me, does he miss me. While it's ok to think about those things, I shouldn't let it consume me because I'm not actually questioning, I got further to tell myself negative things like, he isn't thinking about me, he hates me, he is with her, ect. See what I mean...destructive thinking. I'll never get an answer to any of those questions. I may find clues, but there is no way to tell for sure. Not now anyway. I know I will still think of him constantly, I will still get on facebook to peek, I will still wonder...change doesn't happen overnight. I'm relentless and I won't stop until I see changes within myself. I know I will not be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone until I address these things within myself. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I lost confidence in myself. I became a negative thinker and when you think negatively, you act negatively. When you act negatively, you attract negativity. This is exhausting me just talking about it for the simple fact that I know this is going to take alot of work. This may take lifelong work, but I won't stop until I get to a place where I have found some peace. I want more than anything to have a healthy relationship. To share my life with someone. I want to share my life with a partner. I am ready for those things. I don't want to remain stuck here. This place that I'm stuck in is robbing me of happiness and I am just wasting valuable time. We are just given this one life. I know each week will come with it's own set of challenges. I just have to try my best to take care of myself and tackle each day. I don't need to worry about tomorrow or the future at this moment. Worry about today. Find peace and happiness in today. Everything that I wrote above also applies to you lostlove. I hope somewhere in what I wrote you are able to find some help. I hope it applies to you in someway, somehow. I don't know that he's done forever. Yes, he said those things, but he was frustrated. I doubt he's even as angry as you're imagining him to be. History would show that he'll most likely come back in a month or two. I would just seriously consider whether this is okay with you. If you allow him back, he knows he can do this whenever he wants to. He knows he can get frustrated and choose not to deal with things, and then pick back up once the issues have calmed. He may not even be doing it on purpose. I know you want him back, but I ask again if it's worth it to have to break up and have silent periods every few months. I was also talking to my therapist about everything that he last said to me. My therapist pretty much said exactly what you said. I notice that he doesn't like to spend too much time talking about him. I believe this is because he wants me to focus on myself and my work that I'm doing, but he did say that history may likely repeat itself. It is up to me to decide if it is right for me. If the work I am doing will bring changes in the relationship. It may very well make things better in the relationship, but the other end of the spectrum is that he has to do some personal work as well. All it takes is one of us to start change. While this was comforting to hear, I still feel that he may never contact me again. Him and I spent the last 2 years running in the same circle. He probably thinks that nothing will change or get better. Regardless of if he comes back into my life or not, I need to continue to do this work for myself. I still love him and I miss him very much, but I've given up on forcing it to be. I don't need to think about resolving this anger and resentment and forgiveness that I carry or don't carry. Those things will resolve somewhere else down the line and if he comes back, I can work on that when we get to that point. What comes first and foremost right now, I think, is the struggle that I have going on within myself. My therapist also wanted me to think about the word struggle. What is struggle? A struggle is usually attached to a fear. He made it clear to me that a fear is not real. MY FEARS ARE JUST IN MY HEAD. THEY ARE NOT REAL. Sorry if I'm all over the place. I'm just typing as I remember what we spoke about during my visit. As I sit here thinking, I've been through alot in this past year and alot of it was so unnecessary. I feared infidelity, I feared mistrust, betrayal...all those fears were negative thoughts. Those same negative thoughts were apart of my everyday life. That's all I thought about. What we focus on expands. Eventually they became a reality. Just as Ms. Darcy and others have said, including you, maybe had I changed those thoughts and reacted differently to them, maybe I would have gotten a different reaction. Maybe things would have gotten better. While it is true he has definitely got some work to do on himself, I couldn't fix him. I needed to fix myself, love myself, respect myself. I lost myself, once again, in that relationship. Yes, I am here in shambles, but I won't stop until I pick myself up and put myself back together. I don't know what he is thinking and maybe it doesn't matter. There have been no clues, his facebook activity is almost completely silent, for all I know he is trying to sort out his thoughts just as I am. I don't believe he sees this relationship is salvageable even if he wanted to contact me, I don't think he will. I'm not waiting for him to return and I think that is evidenced by all the work I am doing on myself daily, but I still hope, deep within my heart, that he will reach out to me one day. Maybe at that time, I will be in a better position to have a healthy relationship or maybe the tables will have turned and I won't have any interest in him. Maybe by that time...when he realizes, it will be too late. I don't know what is going to happen. It's all still pretty fresh. I'm suffering everyday, but I will continue to fight through it. To anyone reading, I hope you can take something positive from my experience. To lostlove, I hope that you are having a good day. I know it's a little unsettling when you don't see him online. Your mind begins to wander and you may think he is with someone, but he could be just handling other matters...daily errands and such. I feel the same way. I haven't been going on constantly..trying to lessen it, but when I do go on, he is not on continuously. I instantly think he may chatting with someone else and doesn't have the time to go on faceook or maybe he's working. He could really be doing anything. I feel so hurt still. I feel like he isn't thinking about me. I'm just at a loss. What I'm trying to say is I know you've been doing this for quite some time, wondering what he is doing, but try to tell yourself that he could be doing just about anything when you don't see him online. I know it brings some sort of peace when you see that he is online constantly because you know he isn't occupied with another woman, but maybe he just doesn't have anyone in his life right now. Maybe he is just chatting here and there. Who knows. Maybe you could try what my therapist suggested I try. I am going to try really hard to do that. I'm just rambling, but I know you will understand what I'm trying to say. I'm home for the rest of the day. I'll check back later to see if you've written. I'm glad I went to my appointment. I feel like I''m losing interest, but I'm trying to remind myself that I'm probably going through the worst of this whole thing. I don't even know if I miss him so much it hurts or if I'm angry with him today. Maybe both. This is just sheer ridiculousness now. He gets angry and fed up, so we shut each other out for months, reconnect and don't do any work to make sure it doesn't happen again. Then repeat. If we aren't a couple of idiots, I don't know what else to say. This weekend, I decided I would go out of town for one night. I'll leave on Saturday. I also made an appointment at a salon to get a new hairstyle. I need to start taking care of myself. I feel like I've just let myself go. Just a small step, but maybe it will help me feel just a little better. Hope everyone is having a nice day! Chat again soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ksol9 Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 That's great that you found out she wasn't with him this weekend. See, occasionally we find something good when we look, and it can help ease our worries. I'm sure that's not a good enough reason to keep doing it, but I know that it brought you some relief to see that. (I've never heard of an escape room, btw; I don't know what that is.) I guess the problem is that the relief is temporary, only lasting until the next time you feel sure he must be with her. And it usually takes so long for a clue to pop up that we've then wasted all that time feeling scared and awful. I'll never tell you to quit looking though, because I know how it is, and I obviously haven't stopped either. An escape room is an adventure game where you're locked in a room with your teammates and you have to solve puzzles and find clues in order to get out of the room. It's a lot of fun. We have tons of them here in Florida. I looked at the post again and saw that she actually went with her husband and another couple. She has been liking alot of posts and making comments pertaining to being in a relationship. She even stated something about being there for her "dude" under someone's post about having a good woman by your side. It looks like she is involved with someone or maybe she is back on with her husband since she went with him and another couple to the escape room on Sunday. I guess I've just been finding more clues that show she isn't involved with him like I think she is. Either way, it doesn't really matter. He hasn't contacted me and to me that says alot. He knows he can get frustrated and choose not to deal with things, and then pick back up once the issues have calmed. He may not even be doing it on purpose. I know you want him back, but I ask again if it's worth it to have to break up and have silent periods every few months. I meant to comment on this earlier. This is very important for me to keep in mind. Breaking up is an easy solution. We've done it quite a few times already and I would never want him to think this is an easy way to not deal with important matters. It did cross my mind that maybe he is doing this on purpose because he knows I love him and will take him back. I remember there was a time I was upset with him, cant remember about what. He says..I don't know why you're acting like that..youre in love with me. I gave him so much confidence. He knows I love him, I dont think this is a game he is playing, but it did cross my mind that he knows he can do this sort of thing and come back when things have calmed down. I can't see myself going through this back and forth thing again. This is going to make me lose all my hair. All jokes aside, I think he really is done and is going to try to move on with his life. I don't think he has any intentions of contacting me at all. I need to accept that, stop holding on, and just worry about me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Hi ksol! I just got home and read both your posts. I'm starving and need to eat something before I sit down to reply, but wanted you to know that I've read them. It sounds like you got a lot out of your appointment today, and I thank you for sharing because it is indeed helpful to me (and others here, I'm sure) as well. I can see a shift in your thinking; you're putting the focus on yourself right now, and I agree that that should be the goal in order to reach future (and current) happiness. I read some article recently, maybe about commitment phobia - I think it was titled something like "How long should I wait for him to commit?" Just something that popped up in my Facebook newsfeed from one of the pages I follow. I just quickly skimmed the article, but I remember it saying that the solution to all the turmoil is to take all that energy you're putting into HIM and refocus it onto yourself. Do things to make yourself feel whole and happy. I was just reminded of that as I was reading what you wrote. I'm glad you went, and that he gave you some techniques to practice. I'll comment further in just a little while! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Hi again, I'm back. I honestly don't know where my time goes. I piddle around doing not much of anything, and then before I know it it's after 10pm. I'm on my phone, so it'll be difficult to quote... if it gets too tedious, I'll probably just write without quoting for now. I looked at the post again and saw that she actually went with her husband and another couple. She has been liking alot of posts and making comments pertaining to being in a relationship. She even stated something about being there for her "dude" under someone's post about having a good woman by your side. It looks like she is involved with someone or maybe she is back on with her husband since she went with him and another couple to the escape room on Sunday. I guess I've just been finding more clues that show she isn't involved with him like I think she is. Either way, it doesn't really matter. He hasn't contacted me and to me that says alot. Actually, that wasn't all that difficult. I don't know why I've been bolding instead of using the quote button. I agree with you that it sounds like she is involved with someone else, or more probably, connecting with her husband right now. This should be some relief. I dont think he's having much to do with her at the moment. He's doing his own thing, and she's involved in her own life, as her posts have shown. I also agree that even with this being the case, he's still not calling you - I remind myself of that all the time, as well; whoever or whatever mine is doing, he's certainly not calling me. With yours though, since this is so fresh, I would be glad that he doesn't appear to be involved with anyone. He's more likely to think about things if he's alone. The escape rooms sound like fun! We must not have them around here, as I've never heard of them. I meant to comment on this earlier. This is very important for me to keep in mind. Breaking up is an easy solution. We've done it quite a few times already and I would never want him to think this is an easy way to not deal with important matters. It did cross my mind that maybe he is doing this on purpose because he knows I love him and will take him back. I remember there was a time I was upset with him, cant remember about what. He says..I don't know why you're acting like that..youre in love with me. I gave him so much confidence. He knows I love him, I dont think this is a game he is playing, but it did cross my mind that he knows he can do this sort of thing and come back when things have calmed down. I can't see myself going through this back and forth thing again. This is going to make me lose all my hair. All jokes aside, I think he really is done and is going to try to move on with his life. I don't think he has any intentions of contacting me at all. I need to accept that, stop holding on, and just worry about me. I don't think it's a game, although some guys certainly do play games. I think it's more like you said about confidence. He knows that experience has shown that when he's ready to man up and step forward, you will still be there. He can't be 100%, and is sure to fear rejection just like anyone else - so that may hold him back for a while, as well as just not knowing what to say. But I think that deep down, he feels like he can get you back. He knows you love him, he knows you aren't going to go out and find someone else because you're not a hookup or relationship-hopping kind of girl. So the confidence is there. Maybe so much so that he doesn't even really have to hesitate when he ends things out of frustration, because if he changes his mind in a couple months, there you will be. This is nothing against you, or really even against him, what I'm saying here. It's just human nature. We teach people how to treat us. We teach people what we'll accept, and how far they can go, and how much they can get away with. Even when I ended things with mine, I honestly didn't feel like he would quit trying for good. Part of me couldn't take it anymore and NEEDED to end it for good, but I think part of me was also just trying to teach him a lesson. Make him feel the loss so that he would shape up. I really thought he would keep trying, because in the past, he did. When he did quit, I thought maybe it would take 6 weeks like the last time until he tried again. I had a certain amount of confidence in this, like I'm sure your guy does. Breaking up for you guys has become "breaking up" or "taking breaks" because thus far, the result has not been final. And he's fully aware of this. Let me switch to laptop... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Got a good bit of sleep, but of course, with this depression it doesn't feel like enough. Yep, I'm sure it's the depression. Sometimes I feel like I'm wading through quicksand, even when I've gotten enough sleep. Like I'm just dragging around with a black cloud over my head. It's a horrible feeling. At least you did get some sleep, though, because that's important. He was extremely resourceful and even gave me a book on codependency which I feel could very well be the reason I have chosen to be in relationships such as this one and the one prior. What's the name of the book? I have a copy of Codependent No More, but haven't read it yet. Someone on my thread suggested to me that I'm codependent, as well. I have very limited knowledge on the subject, but it does sound like you could be. Your entire being was focused entirely on him while with him - and I say this not in judgement, because I've always been the same way in relationships, and certainly so in my last one. Honestly, I think this is probably a very common problem, especially among women. We're "fixers" and "caretakers," and of course, worriers and analyzers. We place the highest value in life on our main relationship(s). Not all women, of course, but certainly a lot of them. He said that when we think negatively, our mind develops neurotransmitters that train our brain to think this way. It becomes natural to think negatively. It becomes apart of us because this is what we do. If we don't interrupt that pattern and form new habits or kill those negative transmitters, our brains will continue to function the way it always has because it thinks...."this is what YOU want." To me translated this as what we would call a bad habit. This is really interesting - thank you so much for sharing! You definitely have an automatic negative thought process (I do too). 1.) Stop yourself...mid thought. He told me to literally shout to myself, "Stop it ksol!" Anytime I think negatively or obsessively about anything, including him, whether I've been thinking about it for 2 days or 2 minutes, as soon as I notice this is a bad thought, stop myself. Interrupt that thought and replace it with something positive. Something that I enjoy like, a certain food, my pet, exercising, the beach....just a nice thought. Replace a bad thought, with something positive. I have to actually say this out loud or write it on a reminder...form of affirmation I guess. This is really great advice, and I hope that it helps you. It sounds like it will. I should give this a try also, if I can remember to do it. I imagine that it'll take a lot of practice, and constantly reminding yourself to do it, until eventually it will become more automatic. The daily journaling of things you're thankful for sounds like a good idea, too. I think I recall your other therapist suggesting you do this during your relationship, in terms of things you appreciated him doing. Since two different therapists have suggested basically the same thing, it is definitely worth a shot and will probably be helpful to you. I'm relentless and I won't stop until I see changes within myself. I know I will not be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone until I address these things within myself. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I lost confidence in myself. I became a negative thinker and when you think negatively, you act negatively. When you act negatively, you attract negativity. This is exhausting me just talking about it for the simple fact that I know this is going to take alot of work. This may take lifelong work, but I won't stop until I get to a place where I have found some peace. I want more than anything to have a healthy relationship. To share my life with someone. I want to share my life with a partner. I am ready for those things. I don't want to remain stuck here. This place that I'm stuck in is robbing me of happiness and I am just wasting valuable time. We are just given this one life. Yes, it will take a lot of work, but the first step is wanting it... and you do want it. You got this!! As long as you continue wanting a better life and more happiness, you will get there. I know each week will come with it's own set of challenges. I just have to try my best to take care of myself and tackle each day. I don't need to worry about tomorrow or the future at this moment. Worry about today. Find peace and happiness in today. Everything that I wrote above also applies to you lostlove. I hope somewhere in what I wrote you are able to find some help. I hope it applies to you in someway, somehow. It does apply to me, and I really appreciate you sharing what you've learned. I think my main issue is that I've got to decide that I want to be happy without him. I'm kind of stuck in the mindframe of life being empty without him, so why even bother? I could elaborate, but that's what it kind of boils down to. I've got to get myself out of that! It's probably the top thing that's holding me back so much. I'm really glad to hear that you're looking forward to bettering yourself and your life and finding happiness, even if he isn't a part of it. That's what I meant above about wanting it - as long as you want it, you will do the work to get there. If I can just make myself want it as well, then I will also do the work. I notice that he doesn't like to spend too much time talking about him. I believe this is because he wants me to focus on myself and my work that I'm doing, This is interesting. I've been to counseling in the past, and I noticed the same thing. but I still hope, deep within my heart, that he will reach out to me one day. Maybe at that time, I will be in a better position to have a healthy relationship or maybe the tables will have turned and I won't have any interest in him. I agree. If you do the work on yourself, and become a more positive thinker, then one of the above is bound to happen (if enough time passes between now and when you next hear from him). Either option would be good, and either would be preferable to starting things back up before any changes have been made, and then going through the same exact cycle again. It's definitely possible that if you make enough changes within yourself, you won't even want to be with him. He won't be the kind of person you're drawn to. To lostlove, I hope that you are having a good day. I know it's a little unsettling when you don't see him online. Your mind begins to wander and you may think he is with someone, but he could be just handling other matters...daily errands and such. I feel the same way. I haven't been going on constantly..trying to lessen it, but when I do go on, he is not on continuously. I instantly think he may chatting with someone else and doesn't have the time to go on faceook or maybe he's working. He could really be doing anything. I feel so hurt still. I feel like he isn't thinking about me. I'm just at a loss. What I'm trying to say is I know you've been doing this for quite some time, wondering what he is doing, but try to tell yourself that he could be doing just about anything when you don't see him online. I know it brings some sort of peace when you see that he is online constantly because you know he isn't occupied with another woman, but maybe he just doesn't have anyone in his life right now. Maybe he is just chatting here and there. Who knows. Maybe you could try what my therapist suggested I try. I am going to try really hard to do that. I'm just rambling, but I know you will understand what I'm trying to say. Thank you ksol It does bring up a bad memory of before we became official, and before I found out he was seeing others. There was a period of time when he didn't get online for 3 solid days, and I hadn't heard from him. So I eventually texted, and called, and he wouldn't answer. After many many tries, and telling him that I just wanted to make sure he was alive (and hadn't drank himself to death, is what I was thinking), he finally texted back, "I just want to be alone. I'm sorry." Such a crappy thing to do, to completely ignore me like that. I have no idea what he was doing during that time, whether he was with someone else or was going through a depression. 3 whole days, he stayed off. That "Active 3d ago" time stamp gave me such anxiety. I never want to go through that again! It was horrible. I'm home for the rest of the day. I'll check back later to see if you've written. I'm glad I went to my appointment. I feel like I''m losing interest, but I'm trying to remind myself that I'm probably going through the worst of this whole thing. I don't even know if I miss him so much it hurts or if I'm angry with him today. Maybe both. This is just sheer ridiculousness now. He gets angry and fed up, so we shut each other out for months, reconnect and don't do any work to make sure it doesn't happen again. Then repeat. If we aren't a couple of idiots, I don't know what else to say. Do you mean losing interest in therapy, or losing interest in him? That seems like a silly question, but there were times when I convinced myself that I had lost interest in my guy, so just wondered if that was how you were feeling in the moment. But therapy, you probably mean. I'm sure it's tiring, but you're getting something good out of it. If nothing else, I'm sure it feels like a good release to just talk about your week. This weekend, I decided I would go out of town for one night. I'll leave on Saturday. I also made an appointment at a salon to get a new hairstyle. I need to start taking care of myself. I feel like I've just let myself go. Just a small step, but maybe it will help me feel just a little better. The weekend sounds like it will be nice, and I'm glad you'll be doing something nice for yourself Are you going somewhere alone, or to be with friends? As always, I hope you get some good sleep tonight. If you're not sleeping yet, I hope you're feeling okay. I'll be up for a little while, so I'll check back. Otherwise, will chat with you tomorrow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ksol9 Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 Hi lostlove, I fell asleep and just woke up. I want to go through and respond to your posts but I will probably do so to early tomorrow. I just wanted to say something that I thought of earlier. I've been trying to keep it out of my mind but it's there so I might as well discuss it. On the 7th, which was 3 or 4 days after everything happened, she made a comment under someone's post about being there for their significant other. She said...aww I'm that kind of chick for my dude. If it were her husband she would have said ny husband. I believe she is taking about my guy or someone else she is seeing. Since it was a few days after the breakup, I'm not sure she would already be calling him my dude, but I found it strange that on the weekend my guy was in Puerto Rico, she's out doing something with her husband. Her and her husband seem to be in an open relationship and are still friends. They still hang out. If she was with someone else, wouldn't she have gone with that person instead of the husband? And could she be calling him my dude when it was just a few days after the breakup? I haven't seen any posts before that referring to a relationship, so the dates could link her to him or she could be seeing someone else. She is definitely seeing someone and I don't think it's her husband. She did go with another couple to the escape room with her husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ksol9 Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 I feel so stupid trying to figure out if he's with her. How could I be so naive, if he isn't with her, he is probably with someone else. Maybe he met someone new. That is the reason he was so cold. He knew he was ready to move on. He can't be just alone. I know I'm being really negative right now, but I just feel so hopeless. I need to be realistic about this and that it is over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Don't feel stupid I don't think she would be calling him "my dude" so quickly. And there haven't been any signs that they're together. She could be calling her husband her dude - I wouldn't find that odd at all. I'm unclear how this open marriage thing works? There was a silly Lifetime movie on tv the other day called Open Marriage, and they didn't do anything that their partner didn't know about or wasn't okay with (well, they weren't supposed to). It was mostly about spicing up their sex life, not having whole relationships outside of the marriage. I guess it can be different for everyone. I just find it hard to believe that her husband would be totally cool with her having a relationship with some other guy. I just seriously don't get it! Call me clueless. Do you know how exactly they define their open relationship, what the rules are, that kind of thing? Maybe it doesn't even matter. I guess what I'm wondering is if she's able to blatantly display her other relationships (like referring to someone else as her dude), or if it's all kept on the downlow. Anyways, since she and her husband were out and with another couple, it sounds like her attention is currently on her husband. My ex's trashy married woman reconnected with her husband, it appears, because she posted a pic of her and him from NYE recently on IG. So it does happen, that husband and wife can get close again even after the wife has gone out and tramped it up. I really think you're just making a story in your head based on your biggest fear right now, that's all. Totally understandable, and I've of course done the same thing. There were many times when I later learned I had been totally off base, and the story wasn't true at all. I don't think he's seeing the married woman. If anything, I think maybe he's just chatting with random women like he admitted to doing last time, but he said it didn't mean anything. And it couldn't possibly mean anything now, either. He's just doing what you told me mine is doing, if anything at all. Try not to worry. Now is a good time to start challenging your negative thoughts. Not only with the positive replacements, but also reminding yourself that you haven't seen any evidence of them together, and have in fact seen what seems to be evidence that they're not. Hugs. I know this is hard! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ksol9 Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 Thank you lostlove. I guess I just needed an opinion from an outside perspective and I know you understand me. I don't have the exact definition of an open relationship and I'm guessing it's open to discussion. I've seen her write this on previous posts. She has always said her husband is the love of her life. For whatever reason, they are apart and she was obviously in a casual relationship with my guy before he met me. It was only for a few months from my understanding. I'm sure she has been with other relationships afterward. In her situation, I think her husband is not happy. He isn't dating or seeing anyone else and he must just be going along with what she is doing. They seem to be friends and still spend quite a bit of time together alone and with the children as a family. Like the double date they went on on Sunday. It's a pretty ridiculous situation if you ask me. She's trash and her husband just seems to be settling for this situation. She said "my man" and "my dude" in a couple posts. I don't think she was referring to her husband because she would have said husband. I'm sure as time goes on, I'll see for myself because she is writing comments about this person. Unless it really is her husband she is referring to. Her husband has an Ig and talks about finding someone. Such a mess. I think open relationships can be both parties who agree on seeing other people while still keeping their status for all intents and purposes or one party just settling which I believe to be the case with her. From what I have heard, she lives with him and the children in his parents home. She totally disgusts me. I'm no one to judge, but her situation is just trash to me. With that being said, I have been trying to interrupt my thoughts. I've been yelling Stop it ksol! lol I sound like a crazy. Not literally out loud but I've been stopping my thoughts. I'm trying not to think too much about her. I'm sure she will eventually talk more about it online. It wasn't difficult to find those comments. I don't know what he is doing. He doesn't post anything and similar to your situation, he doesn't go on Facebook much...especially since the week started. He was on very frequently over the weekend. Either way, he isn't reaching out to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm not being realistic. If he cared, he would say so. I haven't heard a peep from him, so it has to mean he is done. This is such a hard process. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ksol9 Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 Woke up very tired again this morning. On my way to the office, as I was turning in, I saw him drive past my job. I didn't turn to look at him. I don't know if he saw me because I didn't turn in the parking lot yet. I really don't know what is going on here. Maybe it was coincidence. I'm so tired of this. Tired of going through this. I'm spent. Going to spend the day interrupting negative thoughts and recognizing things I am thankful for. It's seems like a silly thing to do, but I have to give this a try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Hi ksol. What an entitled tramp, she sounds like. She gets all the security of having a husband and a place to live, and at the same time gets to act like a single party girl. I honestly can't stand that type. I'm like you, I try not to judge good people, but she's not a good person. She sounds exactly like my ex's married woman (I guess I'll start trying to call him my ex every now and then, per previous suggestions). That said, I really don't think she's talking about your guy when she says my man or my dude. I can think of two different girls on Facebook off the top of my head, one who called her husband "my man" in a post about something, and another who constantly refers to her husband as her "husband dude." If she isn't talking about her husband, it could easily be some other guy and not your ex/guy. It sounds like she has very shallow relationships on the side, while keeping her husband close for security. No one looking for anything serious would want her. Interesting that he drove by your job. Since that's happened so many times in the past (and only during breakups, right?) I would say that's a good sign he's thinking about you. I imagine this will play out like both previous breakups, and he'll be back in a month or two. My hope for you is that by that time, you'll have decided that you will no longer tolerate this, and won't take him back. But of course, I know how you feel, and I know you miss him and just want to be with him. From the outside looking in, it's easy to see that you deserve better, and that he really doesn't deserve you at all. But when you love someone and you have strong feelings, that doesn't really matter. You just want them back and you want the pain to go away. Has he been on Facebook at all last night or today? I still haven't seen mine. His ex got on around 3am last night, so at least at that point, they probably weren't on the phone. No telling what he's up to or who he's connecting with. But like you're saying about yours, it really doesn't be matter because whatever he's doing, he sure ain't calling me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ksol9 Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 Hi ksol. What an entitled tramp, she sounds like. She gets all the security of having a husband and a place to live, and at the same time gets to act like a single party girl. I honestly can't stand that type. I'm like you, I try not to judge good people, but she's not a good person. She sounds exactly like my ex's married woman (I guess I'll start trying to call him my ex every now and then, per previous suggestions). That said, I really don't think she's talking about your guy when she says my man or my dude. I would never associate myself with a woman like that. There are different types of women in this world and outside of her relationship, I'm sure she's a nice person, but people who do things like this just lack morals. I don't have friends like this, I have never done anything like this...I'm no one to judge, but if that's how she wants to live her life and thinks that is healthy for herself, her children, and their father...more power to them. I just don't agree with it and never will. Simply put, it disgusts me. I don't know if she is involved with him or not. It doesn't look like it and like you said, if they were involved, it wouldn't be anything serious. Interesting that he drove by your job. Since that's happened so many times in the past (and only during breakups, right?) I would say that's a good sign he's thinking about you. I imagine this will play out like both previous breakups, and he'll be back in a month or two. Im trying not to think much about what happened this morning. It could mean anything. He may be thinking about me, but that doesn't mean he's thinking of making contact. For all I know, he's waiting to see if I make contact first. Foolishness if you ask me! He may have just driven by out of sheer curiosity. He's probably wondering why I havent sent a sorrowful text apologizing and asking him to reconsider. Who knows. That is the first time since the breakup that I've noticed him driving by. I haven't been looking for him at all. I've also been moving around quite a bit between offices, so it was just luck that he passed me as I was about to turn into work. Has he been on Facebook at all last night or today? I still haven't seen mine. His ex got on around 3am last night, so at least at that point, they probably weren't on the phone. No telling what he's up to or who he's connecting with. But like you're saying about yours, it really doesn't be matter because whatever he's doing, he sure ain't calling me. I don't know what is going on in his life lately. I know it has only been two weeks, but I feel like he is probably working alot more. He is rarely on facebook during the week. Today he only went on for a couple of times for a few minutes. He hasn't posted anything and doesn't like anything. Just silence. He seems to be preoccupied with something else during the week. Maybe he met someone new. I'm trying not to let my thoughts run away. What is going to happen is going to happen regardless. If he has intentions on contacting me, he will wait until enough time has passed and to the point where he sees I am not showing any interest in contacting him. Once enough time has passed, he'll have to muster up the courage to contact me and I know that is difficult for him. I don't expect to hear from him anytime soon if that is the case. If he is focused on moving on with his life. He will do just that. He won't be concerned with me. He will be working and hanging out and just living his life until he decides to enter into a new relationship if he hasn't already. There's really no telling. There is no activity for me to see on facebook. He just seems to be browsing the couple of times he does get on. As for you...it's been a few weeks in since his ex and him have become facebook friends. I think you've monitored their activity quite a bit and it's safe to conclude nothing is really brewing in that department. If they were starting up again, you would see activity on her page from them both. Remember the newness and excitement associated with rekindled love? You would see signs of it. I don't think you've seen any of that other than her sharing a song which I don't believe had any relation to him. I know your mind wonders what if, but remember you can't be exactly 100% sure, but you can say from what you have seen, there is no indication anything is going on between them. If anything at all...its just small talk whether it be on facebook or through direct text. I think eventually it will die off if they are even communicating. If he isn't active much on facebook anymore, he must be preoccupied with work or maybe he has been out and about. There's really no telling. Facebook is such a big thing, people integrate it into their daily lives. It's strange when you don't see someone online much when they used to use facebook regularly. That just brought a thought to my head...anytime we've broken up he would post selfies of himself and pics..he knew I was watching. Now complete silence. Anyhow, back to you...I don't think you have anything to worry about with that particular ex. She probably decided to let bygones be bygones. If there is someone special in his life, is there any other way you would know? You said his facebook is private correct? I know I shouldn't encourage the facebook monitoring, but I know you look because it gives you peace of mind. I do it too..although since seeing my therapist, I've been trying to shift my focus and thoughts. That reminds me..I haven't made my list of things I'm thankful for today. Maybe you could try the exercises my therapist suggested for me since you're going through pretty much the same. It's like you said, I love him and I just want things to work even though that may not be best right now. I think I am at a point where I am investing so much into bettering myself and changing that it's important I continue to work hard on myself. If I get to the point where I feel the relationship would no longer serve me, I am very open minded to that. I am just taking this day by day. Today, I feel drained. I wish things were different between him and I, but I have to be realistic. As much as I'd like to think he is kicking himself in the a** for breaking up, that could be very far from the truth. One day at a time. Haven't been able to kick start myself with this reading. I would really like to do that. Oh, and yes the book my therapist handed me was the codependent no more book. Did you enjoy reading? Did you find it helpful or should I not waste my time? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Hi. I haven't actually read it yet! (Codependent No More) I got it a year or two ago and haven't even cracked it open. I should. A friend of mine read it years ago though, and it seemed to really help her. She was always getting overly involved in the lives of her friends and their relationships - me and my relationships, for one, haha. I think that's what led her to become involved with therapy for codependency, as well as reading that book. I'm sure her therapist recommended it. From what I've seen of book reviews, and knowing that it helped her, I don't think it would at all be a waste of time. I'll read it myself one day, when I feel ready to really absorb what it says. Like you, I'm having a hard time concentrating on reading lately... which is a shame, because it's always been something that I really love to do. Let me switch to laptop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarisse Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I think "Codependent No More" would benefit both of you very much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I don't know what is going on in his life lately. I know it has only been two weeks, but I feel like he is probably working alot more. He is rarely on facebook during the week. Today he only went on for a couple of times for a few minutes. He hasn't posted anything and doesn't like anything. Just silence. He seems to be preoccupied with something else during the week. Maybe he met someone new. I'm trying not to let my thoughts run away. What is going to happen is going to happen regardless. If he has intentions on contacting me, he will wait until enough time has passed and to the point where he sees I am not showing any interest in contacting him. Once enough time has passed, he'll have to muster up the courage to contact me and I know that is difficult for him. I don't expect to hear from him anytime soon if that is the case. If he is focused on moving on with his life. He will do just that. He won't be concerned with me. He will be working and hanging out and just living his life until he decides to enter into a new relationship if he hasn't already. There's really no telling. There is no activity for me to see on facebook. He just seems to be browsing the couple of times he does get on. Same thing with mine. Even when he's been on a ton, I could count on one hand the total amount of things he's liked within the past couple of weeks or so. He used to like a bunch of things and would comment a good bit - not constantly like I do, but enough. Now it's really nothing. I haven't seen any comments he's made in ages. And we have a ton of mutual friends, so these things would pop up. I don't know what causes someone's facebook habits and patterns to change. It seems like there must be some reason, whatever it is, unless they just get bored with it. But we don't know what that reason is. Maybe they just don't feel like being social. That just brought a thought to my head...anytime we've broken up he would post selfies of himself and pics..he knew I was watching. Now complete silence. I will say that these kind of "games" can get tiring, especially when you see that you're getting no reaction to it and it's not really changing anything. So he may just realize that it's not going to change anything and there's no point in doing it. Also, he now knows that you know why he was doing it, so maybe he feels like it's way too obvious to start doing it again. As for you...it's been a few weeks in since his ex and him have become facebook friends. I think you've monitored their activity quite a bit and it's safe to conclude nothing is really brewing in that department. If they were starting up again, you would see activity on her page from them both. Remember the newness and excitement associated with rekindled love? You would see signs of it. I don't think you've seen any of that other than her sharing a song which I don't believe had any relation to him. I know your mind wonders what if, but remember you can't be exactly 100% sure, but you can say from what you have seen, there is no indication anything is going on between them. If anything at all...its just small talk whether it be on facebook or through direct text. I think eventually it will die off if they are even communicating. If he isn't active much on facebook anymore, he must be preoccupied with work or maybe he has been out and about. There's really no telling. Facebook is such a big thing, people integrate it into their daily lives. It's strange when you don't see someone online much when they used to use facebook regularly. That just brought a thought to my head...anytime we've broken up he would post selfies of himself and pics..he knew I was watching. Now complete silence. Anyhow, back to you...I don't think you have anything to worry about with that particular ex. She probably decided to let bygones be bygones. If there is someone special in his life, is there any other way you would know? You said his facebook is private correct? I know I shouldn't encourage the facebook monitoring, but I know you look because it gives you peace of mind. I do it too..although since seeing my therapist, I've been trying to shift my focus and thoughts. That reminds me..I haven't made my list of things I'm thankful for today. Maybe you could try the exercises my therapist suggested for me since you're going through pretty much the same. I hope you're right about the ex. I'm sure that you probably are. It's always died out within a few weeks each time they start talking again. He calls her up when he feels lonely due to something not working with someone else, she starts bombarding his page with posts (I can't see if she's doing that this time since I can't see his page) and texting and calling a bunch (the time I was going through his phone, the second I opened his facebook and she saw him on, she sent him a text with a string of emojis), and then something happens and it all stops. I could always tell when it stopped because she quit posting on his page. So hopefully you are right. However, it just occurred to me a few minutes ago that if it's not her I'm worried about, it's someone else, or someone else, or someone else. The married woman has been extremely quiet for quite a while now, like barely any activity at all. But today she liked a bunch of things, and posted something for sale (which she was doing a while back when she was trying to earn money to get her driver's license back so that she could go back down there), and she liked a couple of pics of wedding dresses. So immediately my worry switched from the ex back to the married woman. Point being, there will ALWAYS be some other girl hovering around on the horizon, and he will NEVER sit back and think about trying to have something solid with me. Far too much time has passed, and it was dead in the water a long time ago, so I don't even know why I'm still "waiting." If it takes him having no other options in order for him to come back, then I don't want him. To be quite honest, it would feel really really good for him to call me up and me to be able to tell him to eff off. I don't know if that's a pride thing, or a revenge thing, or why exactly it would help me feel better. I'm sure it sounds petty. But after all the horrible amount of pain he put me through, it would feel good to let him know in some small way that he's not a good person. That wouldn't be my top choice; my top choice would be for him to actually become a good person, and do the right things, and for us to be happy together. But if that's not possible, then I really would like to express my hurt and anger towards him. Not that I'll ever get the chance, because I certainly won't ever reach out to him. And I would probably just ignore him rather than say any bridge-burning thing if he did make contact. But it would feel good to tell him off, ya know? I see him on now for the first time in days. It's like you said, I love him and I just want things to work even though that may not be best right now. I think I am at a point where I am investing so much into bettering myself and changing that it's important I continue to work hard on myself. If I get to the point where I feel the relationship would no longer serve me, I am very open minded to that. I am just taking this day by day. Today, I feel drained. I wish things were different between him and I, but I have to be realistic. As much as I'd like to think he is kicking himself in the a** for breaking up, that could be very far from the truth. Just keep hanging in there, one day at a time. You're making progress, I feel. I know that you're feeling down and drained, but you've found some ways to focus on yourself, and that's a good sign. Even if he does come back, if it's going to take a couple of months, it would be better to use this time to improve your outlook so that you're better able to handle things if you do start up again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ksol9 Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 Well I guess I better go get the book out of my car. I want to start reading that and the Feeling good handbook. I've been reading the getting back together here and there for obvious reasons, but I definitely need to read books that focus on change within me. That's what most important right now. Same thing with mine. Even when he's been on a ton, I could count on one hand the total amount of things he's liked within the past couple of weeks or so. He used to like a bunch of things and would comment a good bit - not constantly like I do, but enough. Now it's really nothing. I haven't seen any comments he's made in ages. And we have a ton of mutual friends, so these things would pop up. I don't know what causes someone's facebook habits and patterns to change. It seems like there must be some reason, whatever it is, unless they just get bored with it. But we don't know what that reason is. Maybe they just don't feel like being social. I just thought of something. Maybe, and maybe this is a crazy thought, maybe he isn't seeing the married woman from Tampa or anyone else...he may be chatting online or on the phone, but maybe he is taking this time for reflection and self growth. Just like I am forcing myself to work on my issues...maybe he is too. Sometimes, it is best to do those things apart from eachother and in solitude. Not for reconciliation, but for our own selves. I will say that these kind of "games" can get tiring, especially when you see that you're getting no reaction to it and it's not really changing anything. So he may just realize that it's not going to change anything and there's no point in doing it. Also, he now knows that you know why he was doing it, so maybe he feels like it's way too obvious to start doing it again. I agree. He doesn't know I have access to his page so he doesn't think I am viewing it at all, so even if he wanted to do anything like he did before, he feels I wouldn't see it. Regardless, I think he just didn't want me focused on him anymore. He wanted me out of his life and wants me to focus on myself. After seeing him drive past my job today, I know I will be more vigilant, but either way, there are no other signs that he is thinking about me. My situation feels so helpless. However, it just occurred to me a few minutes ago that if it's not her I'm worried about, it's someone else, or someone else, or someone else. The married woman has been extremely quiet for quite a while now, like barely any activity at all. But today she liked a bunch of things, and posted something for sale (which she was doing a while back when she was trying to earn money to get her driver's license back so that she could go back down there), and she liked a couple of pics of wedding dresses. So immediately my worry switched from the ex back to the married woman. Point being, there will ALWAYS be some other girl hovering around on the horizon, and he will NEVER sit back and think about trying to have something solid with me. Far too much time has passed, and it was dead in the water a long time ago, so I don't even know why I'm still "waiting." If it takes him having no other options in order for him to come back, then I don't want him. I think you feel this way because you don't know what he is doing, so there will always be something to worry about after the next. You'll search for clues and even put one worry to rest with what you find, but then you'll find another worry. Investigate that until it's settled in your mind. The cycle continues. You may have mentioned this before, but when was his last serious relationship prior to you? After you, there have been no serious relationships correct? I don't consider the married woman a serious relationship at all. That is a train wreck. To be quite honest, it would feel really really good for him to call me up and me to be able to tell him to eff off. I don't know if that's a pride thing, or a revenge thing, or why exactly it would help me feel better. I'm sure it sounds petty. But after all the horrible amount of pain he put me through, it would feel good to let him know in some small way that he's not a good person. That wouldn't be my top choice; my top choice would be for him to actually become a good person, and do the right things, and for us to be happy together. But if that's not possible, then I really would like to express my hurt and anger towards him. Not that I'll ever get the chance, because I certainly won't ever reach out to him. And I would probably just ignore him rather than say any bridge-burning thing if he did make contact. But it would feel good to tell him off, ya know? This lets me know that you still have anger and resentment for him. If you don't find a way to let go of those things, you will not be at peace and maybe that is why you are still holding on. I know you don't want to let go and neither do I, but I wonder if there is a way to work on that anger and resentment without letting go. I think back to a time I had anger and resentment for an ex. It took alot of time, but once it was gone, I found true forgiveness. I didn't hate him and I completely understood him. I actually feel sorry for him now. Anyway, that's off the subject. I think when you have feelings for someone, you hold on to past hurts and resentments. It's when the feelings die, the anger and resentment goes too. Who knows..I just hope that with the work I am doing on myself, I hope Im making progress. It sure doesnt feel like it right now. My hope is the same for you...I hope you are able to make peace with any anger you hold inside. It made me sad to read that you would feel satisfaction just to tell him off. It means you hold anger inside. That anger is preventing you from having even a little bit of happiness and you truly deserve all the happiness in the world. I'm feeling very lost and empty without him. I miss him so much. Maybe the anger from the whole thing is starting to fade. Maybe now is a good time to start reading. Minus the anger, I am able to listen and absorb whatever I read. I need to get out of bed and get something to eat. Will be back later to write. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I need to run over and housesit, so I'm typing this real quick before I go so that I can quote. Not taking my laptop with me. So these thoughts will be kind of short, but I may elaborate or write more later. Well I guess I better go get the book out of my car. I want to start reading that and the Feeling good handbook. I've been reading the getting back together here and there for obvious reasons, but I definitely need to read books that focus on change within me. That's what most important right now. I think this is a good idea. I think the reason I haven't read the codependent book yet is because I haven't really been ready to focus on myself. So you're already surpassing me in that regard, and if you continue forward with it, you hopefully won't have to go through what I've gone through for the past 7 months. I think I said before, but maybe you should try doing the opposite of some of the things I've done. I don't want you to be where I am several months from now. The Feeling Good Handbook is a long one, so you can probably even just jump ahead to the most relevant sections and read those first. From what I remember, it's not one of those that you need to read start to finish. The thought-challenging sections will probably be particularly helpful for you right now. I should drag my copy off the shelf. I have copies of both these books you're about to read. I just thought of something. Maybe, and maybe this is a crazy thought, maybe he isn't seeing the married woman from Tampa or anyone else...he may be chatting online or on the phone, but maybe he is taking this time for reflection and self growth. Just like I am forcing myself to work on my issues...maybe he is too. Sometimes, it is best to do those things apart from eachother and in solitude. Not for reconciliation, but for our own selves. You haven't seen any signs at all that he's seeing anyone else. If anything, I think he could just be chatting. I really don't think he's looking to jump into another relationship right now. As for self-reflection, maybe he is. Men don't seem nearly as prone to that type of thing as we are. They also, in general, don't seek therapy like we do. They don't talk about themselves and their feelings to anyone. But even if he's not purposely making a point to reflect and grow like you are, I imagine that things are floating around in the back of his mind and he'll eventually come to some conclusions. The Mars and Venus book really details how men work through problems. I forget if you bought a copy of that; if you did, you might want to read those sections. It's interesting, and helpful, to understand how men think. I agree. He doesn't know I have access to his page so he doesn't think I am viewing it at all, so even if he wanted to do anything like he did before, he feels I wouldn't see it. Regardless, I think he just didn't want me focused on him anymore. He wanted me out of his life and wants me to focus on myself. After seeing him drive past my job today, I know I will be more vigilant, but either way, there are no other signs that he is thinking about me. My situation feels so helpless. You said all these same things last time, too, though, when you saw him drive by. And you now know some of what he was actually thinking during that time, or at least that he had not forgotten you and it wasn't that he didn't care. Maybe it's best to keep reminding yourself that, whether he is or isn't thinking of you, he is still not calling. This doesn't mean one way or the other that he cares or not. He's just not taking action, for whatever reason. And unless and until he takes action, it really doesn't matter what he's doing. I of course understand why you want to know that he cares, and why it hurts to think that he doesn't. But just trying to remind you that nothing can happen regardless unless one of you reaches out, so maybe it's better to focus on actions rather than trying to guess what's in his head. I'll reply to the paragraphs about my stuff in a little bit, once I get over there and settled. I really need to go on over, sorry to cut this short. I'm feeling in a hurry, so I hope I don't sound blunt or anything in anything I wrote above. I'll reread it once I get there and make sure I got across what I was trying to say. Be back soon. I hope you're feeling relaxed with your reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ksol9 Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 I don't know what happened. I went to grab something to eat and I felt a wave of anxiety take over me. Along with the anxiety came a wave of negativity. I said to myself...what am I thinking. Am I actually thinking he is sitting and self reflecting about what he wants out of life? How silly of me. He is moving on with his life and he doesn't want anything to do with this negativity. He has far more bigger things to be worried about. He is focused on his career and his children. There is no room for me and I don't think there ever was. When I grew impatient, he grew intolerant. I am just torturing myself. He's not coming back. He is gone. It doesn't matter if he is seeing someone new or not..I strongly believe he has it in his mind that he is done with this relationship and that it will never work. His last words to me are haunting me. I know I shouldn't but I feel like contacting him. I'm too upset to read. Why am I being affected this way? I don't want to feel this way anymore. I wish I could make it stop. I'm just suffering day and after day. I don't know how to make this feeling go away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I don't know what happened. I went to grab something to eat and I felt a wave of anxiety take over me. Along with the anxiety came a wave of negativity. I said to myself...what am I thinking. Am I actually thinking he is sitting and self reflecting about what he wants out of life? How silly of me. He is moving on with his life and he doesn't want anything to do with this negativity. He has far more bigger things to be worried about. He is focused on his career and his children. There is no room for me and I don't think there ever was. When I grew impatient, he grew intolerant. I am just torturing myself. He's not coming back. He is gone. It doesn't matter if he is seeing someone new or not..I strongly believe he has it in his mind that he is done with this relationship and that it will never work. His last words to me are haunting me. I know I shouldn't but I feel like contacting him. I'm too upset to read. Why am I being affected this way? I don't want to feel this way anymore. I wish I could make it stop. I'm just suffering day and after day. I don't know how to make this feeling go away. Im so sorry you're feeling this way I had a ton of anxiety during those first few months after mine ended, to the point of near panic attacks a few times. I would imagine that it's caused by all of the negative thinking. I know you don't feel like doing it right now, but this would be one of those times when it would be beneficial to do what your therapist suggested. You're drowning in the negative thoughts, and the only way to feel better is stop them. I know it's hard to do. You probably don't even want to do it. But it's worth a shot since it's what your therapist suggested. As for contacting him... it's probably best not to do so while in a moment of desperation and panic. There's no telling what his reaction would be - it could make you feel better, or it could make you feel a whole lot worse. I think it's best to wait until you can give it some rational thought and make sure you can handle any outcome. You're too fragile for that right now. Just my opinion! and you can of course do anything you want to do. But think it through for a bit before doing it impulsively. I'll be right back, I have to take care of the dogs real quick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I'm back. I'll wait and reply about my anger and such tomorrow, since you're going through an anxious spell at the moment. So let's focus on that. I don't know if you're seriously considering contacting him, but here are some questions off the top of my head to ask yourself before you make that decision: If he doesn't answer at all, how will you feel? If he answers with a negative response, how will you feel? Could you find peace in the fact that you at least tried, and that now you know what he's thinking (unless he doesn't answer or divulge much) and no longer have to guess? Would it help you move on? Or would it sink you even further into despair? If he answered positively, even if it brought relief for now, would you later resent him for not being the one to speak first? Would it cause insecurity, not knowing if he just went along with it or really wanted to hear from you? Can you handle any outcome, with peace, and no regret in having reached out? You probably aren't on the verge of contact, but I'm putting this all here just in case. I really am sorry that you're feeling all of this. Sometimes I feel like it might be worth it to make the first move, just so you don't have to go through the torture of all this waiting and wondering. The not knowing may be the hardest part. You're stuck in limbo between hanging on and moving on, because you know he's come back before. Limbo is a horrible place to be. Do you think if you knew for sure that he wants to move on, it would help you move on as well? Would that maybe relive some of the anxiety, just to KNOW something? In a "normal" breakup, it's easier to take what they say at the end as a certainty. But in this kind of on/off pattern, you don't really know because you've experienced him changing his mind before. I can't say one way or another whether to contact or not. I see pros and cons in both. I think the most important thing to ask yourself is can you handle any outcome, like I said above. If you can't, then don't do it. You're already in a fragile place and can't afford to pile anything on top of that. Just some things to think about... As for the anxiety, it will come and go in waves. It's a lot worse in the beginning. Eventually it will start to let up some. Just focus on getting through each moment when it happens. Hugs. I'll check back in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ksol9 Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 Lostlove, I'm in such pain right now. I know I cant contact him. It's far too soon. I'm not in a healthy place and I'm almost certain he doesn't want anything to do with me. From my prior experience with both breakups, it's best I wait for him. He is such a stubborn person. His anger sticks until he is ready and that is if he will ever be ready. I just think he is completely done. I just wish I could accept that and just move on. After I felt the anxiety coming on, I decided to go on facebook. I saw he added a younger girl maybe 19 or early 20's as a friend. She is from our town and she must work somewhere he frequents. She has a young son (under1) and is single. She has pics of herself smoking weed and just young kid stuff..partying ect. I was horrified. This to me means he is just looking for fun and he is actively searching. He had to have met this girl in person, found her attractive, and then decided to add her online. Seeing that further cemented that I can NOT contact him. Right now he is looking to move on, fill a void, whatever it is that he's doing...I don't know. He is in no way thinking about mending things with me. I am very sure about this or he wouldn't be adding women like this. I need to go splash some cold water in my face! This man isn't thinking about me or missing me. He is trying to move on with his life....he's just living life. What is going on with him? Just seeing the that girl he is interested in makes me wonder what kind of person I'm even wasting my time on? He let me go to search for trash? I'm confused here. I have to let him go. I am not at peace with any of this right now and I don't think I will be for a very long time. I feel so stupid to think that he is actually thinking about everything. He made up his mind the day we broke up. He knows this is not a relationship he wants to be in and he does not see a future for us. He is sitting on facebook trying to meet women and here I was worried about this married woman. I've got alot coming to me. If I continue to play with fire, I'm going to get burned. Haven't I learned enough? When I am going to stop hurting myself like this? God I wish I knew how to stop what I'm feeling right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I know how you feel and I wish I could say something to make it feel better. I know how hard this is. As for this girl, you don't know why he added her. Maybe she's a friend of a friend. Or maybe she's somehow connected to work. There's really no way to know. Mine added tons of friends, both guys and girls, and most of them appear to be simple acquaintances. If he is interested in someone that young, it's just further proof that he's not looking for a relationship. Just people to chat with or get attention from. You're doing exactly what I was talking about earlier. You were worried about the married woman, and then the moment you saw this new girl added, you're now worried about her. If he adds someone else, your worry will then switch to her. It will be never ending as long as he's playing the field or constantly adding new chat buddies. We don't know that he's doing that, but that's what it will feel like. I know it feels horrible. My mind is switching back and forth between three different girls mine could be talking to at this very moment. All I know is that he's not calling ME. And yours isn't manning up and calling you, for whatever reason. He did say last time you got back together that he had been chatting with other girls but that it was nothing serious, right? And then he came back to you. So this could all very well play out exactly the same way this time. Maybe just try thinking about what you want in the future instead of right now. Right now you want him back, because you miss him and to ease the pain. But if a future that includes him involves getting back together, eventually breaking up again, going through the silent period while he chats it up with other girls, waiting for him to make contact, and then getting back together again.... over and over for the rest of your life, is he worth that? The reason I cut mine off is because I knew I couldn't continue living that way. It had to end somehow. My hope was to go through the big pain of losing him and then eventually get over it, rather than have pain-pleasure-pain-pleasure for months or years to come. If you can get through this big pain now, once and for all, however long it takes - then you'll never have to go through this ever again. I'm not sure that that's helpful, and may not be what you want to hear, I know. I just feel like as much as you want him, he's not good for you. Not unless each of you both make some pretty major internal changes. I'm sorry I know full well how much it hurts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ksol9 Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 I had a complete breakdown. I'm still here crying. Tears just keep falling. I don't know what it is that I'm holding on to. If he really loved me, he would have never let this go. Even if he was angry, he would have came around by now. If he really Loved me, he wouldn't be looking to see someone new so soon...and the type of women I've seen him linked to. I'm just feeling so horrible, just horrible. Exactly like I did during the first breakup. I went through most of the pain before I found this forum. When I found ena, I was still in a lot of pain but exactly what I'm going through right now is the same as the first time we broke up. Debilitating pain. This guy is not good for me. In fact, I don't think he is a good person. I'm questioning it all. If he was, he would have found a different way other than hurting me. He knew I was having difficulty because we were not communicating. We were not connecting. He just threw everything away. Is that what someone who loves you does? I have been in love before. Someone who loves you will find a way, will sit and talk, will express hurt that you're hurting. Someone who loves you doesn't become irritated and throws the relationship out the window at the first sight of conflict. After all we've been through, 2 prior breakups, why would you do this again and so easily?? It's because he did not value what he had. Any of the women I have seen him add on Facebook since we broke up including the married woman are no where close to me in comparison. They're all trashy..no substance or clsss. I'm just confused. If he was a decent person, wouldn't he looking for someone to settle with..a companion? This young girl is not associated with work. He met her from a store or somewhere he frequents. I know how he operates. He found her attractive and he is interested so he added her on Facebook. He had to have spoken to her to get her name. I want to get over this as soon as possible. I want him out of my mind and my heart. He isn't going to come back and if he does, do I really want a man who has been frolicking around town with women like her. My family is well known in the community. We live in a small town. We are respectable people. Not that I care what anyone thinks but I don't think I could handle that. He's embarrassing to be honest. He's 38 years old. Oh lord, I need to get ahold of myself. I know I don't know for sure what is going on, but it's like you said, do I really want to live like this? I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to go through this anymore. I want this to be over. I wish I never met him. This is such a low point in my life. I'm just struggling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I had forgotten, or didn't even realize, that he's the exact same age as mine. Did you ever read Men Who Can't Love? I can't remember if I've mentioned it here, but if I have, it's been a long while. "Drawing on hundreds of interviews with men who can't commit to a loving relationship and the women who want them to, this book explains why some men seem to walk away from love and commitment." It's about commitment-phobes. We haven't decided if yours is or isn't, but I think you would still get a lot out of reading the book. It brought me some sense of comfort when I read it, because it discusses these on/off relationships and why some men will keep leaving and coming back, why they cheat, why they never fully settle down. Your confusion made me think of it, because that's what these guys cause -- CONFUSION. You can't make sense out of what they're doing, because it doesn't make good sense. Why would they walk away from someone they love? Why would they drag their feet in matters of commitment? I think you should read it ASAP. If it doesn't talk about anything that you can relate to, then maybe he's not really commitment-phobic and maybe it's just a matter of poor communication and defense mechanisms and the urge to distance or run between the two of you. It doesn't really matter what you call it, I guess, but something is going on (in regards to the reason why it wasn't working). And it's creating confusion and not making sense to you. The reason the book brought me some comfort is beacuse 1) it answered a few questions, 2) it made me see that there was nothing I could have done differently (wasn't my fault), and 3) showed how many many women go through this exact same thing. Also 4) give me some idea of what to expect. It doesn't tell how to fix it, because apparently there is no fix unless the guy gets major therapy. I could be off base here about the commitment thing, but again, your confusion is telling. Also, though, remember the other side of things. You go just as silent as he does. You're just as quick to run as he is (not coming home for two days). You don't reach out to him either. Does any of that means that you don't love him? We know that it doesn't. People sometimes act in ways that are contradictory to how they feel. History shows that he did care during the previous silences. So I would bet that he also cares this time. The problem is that nothing is being done on either end. Neither one of you has the slightest clue what the other is thinking. Whether he cares or not, whether he is a good person or not, this situation is not good for you. Maybe that's the best way to look at it. The relationship wasn't healthy, nor are these breakups. If it were healthy it wouldn't hurt so much. I think, just like me, you're more stuck on whether or not he cares than anything else. But even if he cares, the relationship still wasn't working for some reason, whatever that reason may be. I just think that maybe focusing on that rather than focusing on what he's feeling might get you over this hump a little easier. I also know that I can say that, and it won't really matter. You're going to feel how you feel. I get that. Me too. I feel so bad that you're going through this Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I wanted to just type one more thing before I get in the bed. Once I lay down, I can read but it'll be hard to type anything. For what it's worth, I really do think these other women are just shallow conquests. He did the same thing during the last breakup, and probably also during the one before. And he still came back to you. He's not looking for anything with any meaning. He had that with you, and he's not looking to replace it. These are simple void-fillers. You're right in that these women can't compare to you. The married woman, we already know what she's like. This young girl, she's not old enough to be stable and mature. And the fact that she is single with a baby, what does that say? Most likely it says that she sleeps around and got pregnant, or forms relationships with the type of guy who would bail right after his baby is born. I know that sounds really judgemental, and I could always be wrong, but typically that's what it would suggest. My ex's trashy married woman had a best friend while living there with my ex who was really young and single with a baby. Turns out she had another 3 kids back home who she left to go live on the beach. These kinds of women just don't make good partners, or good anything else. Can you imagine the drama it would bring if he gets involved with her? Maybe a baby daddy in the picture somewhere. And what's he going to do with a baby that isn't his? She is nothing to worry about, nor is the married woman, nor will be anyone else he adds. He's not looking for good and serious. You don't have to worry about being replaced. No one else is going to put up with him anyhow (trying to be lighthearted there). Just remind yourself of all these things every time you get worried about him talking to someone. Because I know it's going to bother you, even if you do know that he and/or the relationship were no good for you. No one wants to feel replaced. If you didn't have to worry about him with others, I imagine your pain would be greatly decreased. That was the case for me, anyways. I hope you get some sleep. I took two benadryl, and I'm hoping it works. I feel slightly worried when I take two, worried it's too much, but the bottle says 1-2, and I've taken two hundreds of times before. I'm housesitting, so it's going to be even harder to sleep, ugh. If you can't sleep, feel free to write knowing that I'll most likely be laying there reading it and will reply tomorrow. Otherwise, will chat more tomorrow. I hope you start feeling a little better, I know tonight was rough with the anxiety. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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