Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[lostlove76]

"To see him adding women from his past. He's looking to reconnect with them. Those actions show he isn't thinking about me."

 

I know how horrible it feels to see that. Mine did the same thing when we ended. When I started not answering the phone, he immediately added back to Facebook the girl he was seeing for a short while right after he moved. I saw that, and of course made up a whole story in my head about them starting up a relationship again. FWIW, she is now happily in a relationship with someone else, so my story didn't come true. And then, of course, he's always turned to this ex he's currently taking to every time I told him it was over.

 

I really think your guy is doing it because he's trying to fill the void and not have to feel anything. Which suggests that he does, in fact, feel the loss. Like I told you about before, I looked up a couple of old exes during times when I was just really hurting and missing my guy. I chatted with them very briefly and that was it.

 

So honestly, I don't think it means that he isn't thinking of you; I think it means that he is, and he's just trying not to.

[lostlove76]

"I know he will come home tonight. Things go back to their normal routine and then the weekend again which will be another nightmare for me. I woke up feeling so helpless. Him and I have gone around and around so many times now. I know he is just done with it. I know that there will never be a chance for us to succeed if we both don't change and work. How likely is that to happen? Not very. As much as I would hope that he is rethinking his decision, that he is thinking of and missing me, I guess it's just wishful thinking. Sometimes I feel like such a silly little girl..so naive."

 

It's not silly at all. I totally understand you wanting him back. I just hate to see you have to go through another 6 weeks of this emotional torture, and then you get back together, and then a few months later you have to go through it yet again. This is 3 times within a year that you've had to endure this silence and feeling like he doesn't care at all. It's horrible to have to go through that It seems like you've accepted this as being okay. I mean, obviously you're not okay with it, but you've become conditioned to feel like this is just what has to happen, and you're willing to endure it and then take him back again, when really this shouldn't be happening in the first place. I hope you understand what I'm saying. Like with mine, I grew to accept that we would only talk every other day because I understood his need for emotional space due to his issues. I accepted it because there was nothing I could do about it, so I tried to be okay with it. But it was HORRIBLE for me, and created SO much anxiety. Just like these silent breakup periods are horrible for you. But you've accepted them, because you want to be with him at any cost.

[lostlove76]

I thought this was funny. It made me laugh because I've done the exact same thing. I'm browsing someone's page and I accidentally hit the like button. I've even requested to be a friend on my ex's page. How embarrrasing. Lol..but I do think you are right. He appears to be alone and by his activity, he's just browsing all over the place. He's alone now so he's just doing what single men do.

Lol. There's a really funny video about this somewhere. This girl sits down at the computer to facebook stalk, and she's giving tips on certain precautions to take. It says something like, don't put your hands anywhere near the keyboard while viewing a page so as not to accidentally friend request or like something. Ahh, I wish I could find it. It was so funny!

[Ksol9]

Feeling really strange today. Maybe because I didn't sleep much last night. I feel so lost and empty. My life for the last 2 years feels like a total lie. Like he lied to me the entire time.

 

I didn't know how to feel when I figured out about him taking this trip and all the activity on social media, but as I sit and think about it. It's obvious he isn't thinking about me. As you said, he is just occupying himself. It's not like I haven't been through this before. This is exactly what he does anytime we split. The exact same thing.

 

You said something in your last post that never occurred to me. I have been conditioned to think that this is ok. I am so willing to go right back. Seeing it written there on the screen that this happened 3 times in one year really made me stop and think for a minute. This really happened 3 times in one year!? Wow...just wow. That is a lot for someone to handle emotionally. I don't know about him, maybe it doesn't affect him in the way it does me, but this has been emotionally tormenting. This is so unhealthy and it does need to stop. While I am willing and I still want to reconcile, I do believe he has recognized the unhealthy pattern and is moving on with his life. It is just me here stuck alone to catch up with reality. I wake up everyday thinking how hopeless this situation is and how inmiss him so very much. This is just heartwrenching.

 

In my mind, things are so foggy. I'm in a state of confusion. I've been feeling like I just want to go into seclusion for a day or two just to see if it would simplify things. I don't even know how to explain how I'm feeling exactly. I feel like I sing the same song..he doesn't care about me..how could he walk away just like that..I sing the same song every single time.

 

I'm feeling just terrible today. I have a few errands to run and then I'm hoping to go home to take a nap. I just want today to be over with. Imagine it has only been 2 weeks.

[lostlove76]

"I didn't know how to feel when I figured out about him taking this trip and all the activity on social media, but as I sit and think about it. It's obvious he isn't thinking about me. As you said, he is just occupying himself. It's not like I haven't been through this before. This is exactly what he does anytime we split. The exact same thing."

I don't think this means he isn't thinking of you. I compare things to myself here a lot, just to show that the same behaviors can be interpreted in different ways... so I'll just say that I'm constantly occupying myself on Facebook, and yet he's also constantly on my mind. It really doesn't mean he's not thinking of you just because he's playing around on social media, I promise you.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible I know just what you're going through, and I know how awful it is. I am sure that this is affecting him, just like it did the last times. But unfortunately, I also think that women get the worst of it. We're more emotional, we get more attached, we hurt more deeply. That's what it seems like, anyways, and I could certainly be wrong. I'm sure JustinPonders would say that men can hurt just as deeply. Maybe it's just that they are better at hiding it than we are. Either way, I am sure that he's not feeling great right now either.

[Ksol9]

"I didn't know how to feel when I figured out about him taking this trip and all the activity on social media, but as I sit and think about it. It's obvious he isn't thinking about me. As you said, he is just occupying himself. It's not like I haven't been through this before. This is exactly what he does anytime we split. The exact same thing."

I don't think this means he isn't thinking of you. I compare things to myself here a lot, just to show that the same behaviors can be interpreted in different ways... so I'll just say that I'm constantly occupying myself on Facebook, and yet he's also constantly on my mind. It really doesn't mean he's not thinking of you just because he's playing around on social media, I promise you.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible I know just what you're going through, and I know how awful it is. I am sure that this is affecting him, just like it did the last times. But unfortunately, I also think that women get the worst of it. We're more emotional, we get more attached, we hurt more deeply. That's what it seems like, anyways, and I could certainly be wrong. I'm sure JustinPonders would say that men can hurt just as deeply. Maybe it's just that they are better at hiding it than we are. Either way, I am sure that he's not feeling great right now either.

 

Hi there,

I finally got in from running errands. I hopped in the shower and then into my pajamas. I know it's only 4 something in the afternoon, but I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until this nightmare is over.

 

Women are definitely emotional beings. Men dont express themselves like we do and I remember you telling me about this. I have also read some about this. They don't have the outlets that we have. We women talk about our feelings until we are blue in the face. Men, as you said, compartmentalize. As evidenced by things that have happened in the past, he copes in this way. I know he is a deep thinker. He needs his alone time to do this, but at the same time, I've seen much of the same activity take place after both breakups..reconnecting with women from his past. I know you constantly tell me that the things I see regarding his online activity doesn't mean he isn't thinking about me, but I guess nothing will satisfy me. I will take any and all of his online activity as signs of him moving on. After all, this was his decision. Whatever void he is trying to fill I think is attributed mostly to his children being gone. It hurts to see him reconnecting with women from his past, but I do think he is just trying to occupy his free time which is probably alot nowadays. For him to pick up and just go on a trip like this..for someone that enjoys alone time and being at home..that alone tells you that he is going through something. He did not post anything other than that video so it makes me wonder who he went with. He just seems to be doing his own thing and I should be doing the same. I should really be worrying about myself first and foremost. To go through this 3 times in one year is just ridiculous..it really is.

 

Tomorrow is my therapy appointment. I don't even know what I'm going there with. I have nothing to report...no progress. I am in a worse emotional state than I was in last time. This weekend and realizing he was out of town really threw me for a loop. It completely broke me down. I'm so lost. As I typed that I remember him telling me he felt so lost when I left him. That word "lost"...I know very much what that is because that best describes how I feel right now.

 

Something that just crossed my mind...

The comment that he liked on the married woman's sister's page..I am wondering what was so appealing about that quote. Since the day of the breakup I figured he was fed up and had reached his limit. That I am too insecure, to argumentative, always has a problem or attitude. I wonder if it appealed to him because he is feeling like the victim? ughh I'm getting upset as I type about it.

 

I purchased the Feeling Good handbook. I'm going to do a little bit of reading in hopes I will doze off. I just want to sleep the rest of the evening until tomorrow. This sure feels like depression.

 

I hope you are well lostlove. I know I say this all the time and its easier said than done, but I don't think you should be worrying about him chatting with his ex. I say this from an outside perspective and I know exactly how it is when you get an assumption in your mind, it's very hard to see anything past that. Rest assured that I don't think it looks like much of a concern. I'm sure others will say that it really doesn't matter who he is talking to, but I think from a broader perspective here...you shouldn't beat yourself up thinking that he never thinks of you. In fact, you may cross his mind and I've already told you what I believe his conclusion is regarding your relationship. It could very well be true that in the future, whether near or far, he may just try again to see how you are doing, but in the meantime, it is most important that you are able to function, to be able to feel and see bouts of happiness throughout your days. That alone is progress.

[lostlove76]

Thank you, ksol

 

Don't worry at all about not having any progress to report to your therapist. He is there to help you sort all this out, so use him for that. Just tell him how you're feeling, and you'll get something out of it. Tell him about the weekend and ask him how to control the anxiety you feel over the fear that he's with someone else.

 

Let me post this and then finish my thoughts in just a few, my friend keeps texting me about something. Be right back.

[boltnrun]

This all sounds so exhausting to me. Spending all day, every day monitoring your ex's social media? Knowing EXACTLY what time and how long he gets on? Then checking the social media of the women you suspect he's seeing? And keeping track of all of that?

 

Ladies, why do you hurt yourselves so?

 

What kind of benefit do you get from all this social media monitoring? From my end, all it results in is more pain, more obsession, more sleeplessness and more depressed feelings...again, why do you hurt yourselves so?

 

You don't need anyone else to hurt you when you hurt yourselves on a daily basis.

 

I get it, it's your way of trying to hold on to the relationship. You're trying desperately to find signs that he's missing you, that he's miserable without you, and that he's not seeing other women. But there is NO WAY to glean any of that from checking Facebook or Instagram! All you're doing is wondering WHAT DOES IT MEAN???? when he does or does not log on, what does it MEAN when he "likes" a post, what does it MEAN when he posts a pic or a video, what does it MEAN when the suspected other woman does or does not log on or post something or "like" something.

 

Ladies, it hurts you. And you're already hurt enough.

 

Can't you at least TRY to stop? What do you think will happen if you don't check their social media? What is it that makes you believe you NEED to do this?

 

It's so hard, seeing how some people torture themselves. The world can be rough enough without us being our own worst enemies.

[lostlove76]

This all sounds so exhausting to me. Spending all day, every day monitoring your ex's social media? Knowing EXACTLY what time and how long he gets on? Then checking the social media of the women you suspect he's seeing? And keeping track of all of that?

 

Ladies, why do you hurt yourselves so?

 

What kind of benefit do you get from all this social media monitoring? From my end, all it results in is more pain, more obsession, more sleeplessness and more depressed feelings...again, why do you hurt yourselves so?

 

You don't need anyone else to hurt you when you hurt yourselves on a daily basis.

 

I get it, it's your way of trying to hold on to the relationship. You're trying desperately to find signs that he's missing you, that he's miserable without you, and that he's not seeing other women. But there is NO WAY to glean any of that from checking Facebook or Instagram! All you're doing is wondering WHAT DOES IT MEAN???? when he does or does not log on, what does it MEAN when he "likes" a post, what does it MEAN when he posts a pic or a video, what does it MEAN when the suspected other woman does or does not log on or post something or "like" something.

 

Ladies, it hurts you. And you're already hurt enough.

 

Can't you at least TRY to stop? What do you think will happen if you don't check their social media? What is it that makes you believe you NEED to do this?

 

It's so hard, seeing how some people torture themselves. The world can be rough enough without us being our own worst enemies.

 

You make really good sense, as usual. I don't even know how to describe why I still do it. Maybe it's like you said, it's a way of holding on. For ksol, this is all very fresh and I'm sure her reasons are different than mine are at 7 months post-breakup. For myself, it's literally all I have left. I miss him. When I see him online, it feels like he's close in some way, like maybe he's seeing me online too. I know how stupid that sounds. Also, I guess it's a way to predict whether we'll hear from them, based on what they're thinking or doing and who they're doing it with. My hope is pretty much gone, but there's still a little bit left that he'll call some day. It's also really become a habit or addiction since I've been doing it for so long.

 

"What do you think will happen if you don't check their social media?" --> This is a great question, and I think the answer is that once I stop, he really IS completely 100% gone from my life forever. I know that the connection I feel when I see him online is nothing but an illusion. But it's all I have left. My feelings are still there for him, I miss him, I wish we were together (in a better, more committed way than before), and I can't help that. I've tried to hate him, I've tried not to want him back. I wouldn't even take him back if I felt like things were going to go right back to the way they were before. I guess I just still have this fantasy of him realizing ("realizing" - I know you love that word, lol) that he misses me and that he's ready to commit and wants to do what it takes to be with me forever. I can't lie and say I don't want that.

 

I do understand exactly what you're saying though, and I even agree with you. I don't know at what point I'll be ready to stop - probably when the feelings fade.

[boltnrun]

Well, like I wrote before...the feelings will fade when you stop looking, not vise versa.

 

How can you NOT "be ready" to stop hurting yourself?

 

Honey, you have got to find love for yourself. I can't imagine you'd ever be comfortable with hurting others, so why are you so comfortable with hurting yourself?

 

What have you done regarding starting therapy? I believe it's been several months since you said your mother was looking into therapists, and that you would be making the call after the weekend. Did you ever make the call?

 

And Ksol, yes, I get that for you this is fresh and new. But it would be terrific if you could tell your therapist about the social media monitoring. Maybe the therapist can suggest a way to wean yourself off of it.

[lostlove76]

Something that just crossed my mind...

The comment that he liked on the married woman's sister's page..I am wondering what was so appealing about that quote. Since the day of the breakup I figured he was fed up and had reached his limit. That I am too insecure, to argumentative, always has a problem or attitude. I wonder if it appealed to him because he is feeling like the victim? ughh I'm getting upset as I type about it.

 

I kind of feel funny now about helping you analyze this because the timing of it is coinciding with the good points bolt just made, but...

That was my first thought, that he liked it because he felt like a victim. However, if he's feeling like a victim, it's because he completely lacks insight. The quote is far more fitting to you and what you've gone through. Maybe it resonated with him because he knows that's how you must have been feeling. I can't really imagine that he would have anything to be concerned about regarding trust. It doesn't really fit his situation - you being insecure, argumentative, and with an attitude isn't really something that would make someone lose trust in you. Maybe he knows of the sister's personal situation, whatever that may be, from when he and the married woman have talked in the past... and he was liking it just in relation to her situation.

 

It really is impossible to know. It could be any number of things, including his finger accidentally hitting the like button.

 

Please don't feel sorry for him, though. Sometimes it sounds like you do feel bad for him, and I don't think you have any reason to. He's a grown man and he can fix this if he chooses to. Like I said above, if he feels like a victim, he is highly misguided.

[lostlove76]

Well, like I wrote before...the feelings will fade when you stop looking, not vise versa.

I was actually thinking about that while I was typing, and just didn't include it in the post. I'm sure you're right. Maybe subconsciously I don't want the feelings to fade?? I really don't know, but there's got to be some reason why I'm not letting go. Maybe because I have nothing to replace it with? Maybe it's because the last thing that made me happy was HIM. I'll have to give that some more thought.

 

How can you NOT "be ready" to stop hurting yourself?

I'm not sure why I keep hurting myself, honestly. I do know that if I see signs of him talking to another girl, it's going to hurt like h3ll... and yet I look anyways. I don't know why I do this! There was a time when I was scared to look, back when we were together. I did look at times, because I didn't want to be unaware if he was cheating. But it always scared me, like my heart would be pounding in fear that I was going to find something. I didn't even want to add him back as a facebook friend because I knew it would make me feel horrible if I saw some girl commenting on his wall or something. So given all that, I don't know why I seek this stuff out and then feel horrible when I do find something. It doesn't make much sense, does it?

 

I don't know how much this has to do with that, but I was thinking earlier about how both ksol and I tell ourselves over and over and over again that they don't care, that they're not thinking about us. It's almost like a form of self-punishment, if you think about it, because it's the one thing that makes us feel about as low as we can get. Yet we keep repeating it, over and over. I really don't know why we do this to ourselves.

 

Honey, you have got to find love for yourself. I can't imagine you'd ever be comfortable with hurting others, so why are you so comfortable with hurting yourself?

I don't know the answer to this. Maybe I really don't like myself, much more than I realize. I'm not even sure how one goes about finding love for oneself. I would have no clue where to start.

 

What have you done regarding starting therapy? I believe it's been several months since you said your mother was looking into therapists, and that you would be making the call after the weekend. Did you ever make the call?

I hate to be so full of "I don't know"s, but I really don't know why I haven't gotten this going. Laziness maybe? I'm a huge procrastinator and it takes me foreeeever to start anything new. That could be all it is, just not wanting to make the effort. Knowing I'll have to show up once a week, when I would much rather sit at home and not leave the house unless I absolutely have to. Maybe I'm afraid they'll push me to do things I don't want to do? Things that scare me or would be uncomfortable, like driving more or working more or whatnot.

 

Thank you for caring, bolt. I've always appreciated your posts, because you're wise and straight to the point, while also being compassionate about it. You really did help me over on my thread, during some dark moments - sometimes just by making me laugh at the ridiculousness of what I was doing or thinking. I do appreciate it

[boltnrun]

You're welcome.

 

It's just that you both seem like such nice people. It really bothers me when genuinely nice people don't seem to realize their own value, and who do things to hurt themselves.

 

I have a good friend who's currently involved in an affair with a married man. She vacillates between bliss when Married Man gives her attention and awful pain when he ignores her or reminds her that he "can't" leave his wife. She's getting upset with me because I won't encourage her to stay in the affair, and she pointedly tells me about her other friends who are being "supportive". Well, what kind of friend would I be if I encouraged her to do something that I KNOW will result in devastation and heartbreak for her? How can I encourage her when I've seen her sobbing over this piece of garbage of a man?

 

And that's what I believe...that I can't encourage anyone, even someone I've never met, to continue to hurt themselves. Nice people don't deserve to be hurt.

 

Let me put it this way, lostlove...if I were hurting, maybe involved in a relationship with an abuser or a cheater, or if I were ill and was fearful of seeking medical treatment, wouldn't you encourage me to get out of the relationship so I wouldn't get hurt any more, or encourage me to see a doctor to get well? I really think you would.

[Ksol9]

Thank you lostlove and boltrun and whoever else that posted. I'm in a very terrible mood. I fell asleep and I kept dreaming of him and her. I dreamt she was thee in our apartment. I dreamt I had gone there for something and I saw them together. He was cold and attentive to her feelings. Gosh, the dream was so realistic that I'm feeling the same as I felt in the dream. Thank god it was just a dream. Even as I write about it I'm feeling that he was probably with her. I keep thinking about how he has been talking to and seeing her.

 

I think regardless of me looking online, I would still be feeling like this at this point. It has been about 2 weeks since the break up. It's very fresh in my mind. I could absolutely try to stop going online. After what I experienced this weekend, the hopeless and helpless pain, I know there is nothing I can do to figure out exactly what is going on with him or who he is with. He's not posting anything about his life anyway. I also know he isn't going through what I'm going through. I could stop viewing as I did that for much of today and I'm still feeling just as bad. I just want to get through this rough patch. I'm feeling so drained. I still, after being through 2 breakups, I still can't believe that he could just make decision like that, walk away and never say a word to me. It keeps ringing in my mind how he said...I don't know how we stayed together this long. Those are such hurtful words. Tell I'm wrong for being angry at him for making that statement?

 

Those statements he made are so powerful. They crush me anytime I think about it. I actually scrolled to his name in my text messages and I was about to reread them again, but I decided not to. I'm already in a lot of pain. When he sent me those messages, I don't think that was just anger talking, I believe that is how he felt and I believe that is how he still feels. How can anyone make a rash decision like that and then not contact the other person for 2 weeks? I think by now he would have said something. I know I can't wait for him to come back...it's out of the question, but I still hope he'll change his mind. I don't know why I'm feeling so terrible. Having gone through this so many times, knowing what expect, why am I still in so much pain.

 

I don't know what to do or what to say. I will go to my therapist tomorrow. I will tell him all that I'm experiencing. Hopefully he can suggest something, but I don't think anything will help me right now. I fell flat on my face today. I can just hope tomorrow will be better. Sorry if my posts are exhausting. I feel exhausted and it is shinig through what I write. I'm sorry. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

[lostlove76]

You're welcome.

 

It's just that you both seem like such nice people. It really bothers me when genuinely nice people don't seem to realize their own value, and who do things to hurt themselves.

 

I have a good friend who's currently involved in an affair with a married man. She vacillates between bliss when Married Man gives her attention and awful pain when he ignores her or reminds her that he "can't" leave his wife. She's getting upset with me because I won't encourage her to stay in the affair, and she pointedly tells me about her other friends who are being "supportive". Well, what kind of friend would I be if I encouraged her to do something that I KNOW will result in devastation and heartbreak for her? How can I encourage her when I've seen her sobbing over this piece of garbage of a man?

 

And that's what I believe...that I can't encourage anyone, even someone I've never met, to continue to hurt themselves. Nice people don't deserve to be hurt.

 

Let me put it this way, lostlove...if I were hurting, maybe involved in a relationship with an abuser or a cheater, or if I were ill and was fearful of seeking medical treatment, wouldn't you encourage me to get out of the relationship so I wouldn't get hurt any more, or encourage me to see a doctor to get well? I really think you would.

 

Yes, I definitely would. I don't like to see good people hurting either, whether they're hurting themselves or allowing themselves to be hurt by someone else. I completely understand where you are coming from, and I know that it's with care and compassion.

 

I'm really glad you don't encourage your friend to continue with the married man. I feel like I would go a step farther and be angry with her for helping a married guy cheat on his wife, but when it's your friend, I know you tend to be less judgmental. I have a good friend who cheated on her husband 10 years ago, and I emotionally supported her through it all, basically ignoring the fact that what she was doing was so terribly wrong. My only explanation is that it's because she was my good friend. I'm not sure if I could do that these days. Your friend will one day look back and realize that you were right and that you were coming from a loving place. Right now she's looking for enablers. Surely she realizes that what she's doing is wrong, in addition to it being harmful to her.

[boltnrun]

I just got out of the shower and had a "realization" of my own.

 

I've been doing exactly what you've been doing, lostlove...I keep posting and posting, hoping you'll "realize" that this man isn't the man of your dreams and that the relationship ended not because you refused to take his calls, but because he never followed through with any of the promises he made to you.

 

But I can't make you "realize". If you choose to spend the rest of your life monitoring his social media and his dating site activity and the social media of any women you suspect he's involved with, that is YOUR choice. And nothing I write will change your mind or change anything you do.

 

Maybe I should just take my own advice and "let it go". Maybe my posts feel like pressure to you and they're not helpful but rather make you feel like I think you're "wrong". You're not "wrong". You are exercising your right to make your own choices.

 

I'll sign off by saying that I really, really hope one day you DO "realize", and I'll read that you made some new friends or got involved in a new activity that allowed you to meet a wonderful man who cherishes you. I'd love to read that you decided to go to therapy, and that your therapist helped you understand that you are a good person who deserves love, not pain.

[lostlove76]

Thank you lostlove and boltrun and whoever else that posted. I'm in a very terrible mood. I fell asleep and I kept dreaming of him and her. I dreamt she was thee in our apartment. I dreamt I had gone there for something and I saw them together. He was cold and attentive to her feelings. Gosh, the dream was so realistic that I'm feeling the same as I felt in the dream. Thank god it was just a dream. Even as I write about it I'm feeling that he was probably with her. I keep thinking about how he has been talking to and seeing her.

 

I think regardless of me looking online, I would still be feeling like this at this point. It has been about 2 weeks since the break up. It's very fresh in my mind. I could absolutely try to stop going online. After what I experienced this weekend, the hopeless and helpless pain, I know there is nothing I can do to figure out exactly what is going on with him or who he is with. He's not posting anything about his life anyway. I also know he isn't going through what I'm going through. I could stop viewing as I did that for much of today and I'm still feeling just as bad. I just want to get through this rough patch. I'm feeling so drained. I still, after being through 2 breakups, I still can't believe that he could just make decision like that, walk away and never say a word to me. It keeps ringing in my mind how he said...I don't know how we stayed together this long. Those are such hurtful words. Tell I'm wrong for being angry at him for making that statement?

 

Those statements he made are so powerful. They crush me anytime I think about it. I actually scrolled to his name in my text messages and I was about to reread them again, but I decided not to. I'm already in a lot of pain. When he sent me those messages, I don't think that was just anger talking, I believe that is how he felt and I believe that is how he still feels. How can anyone make a rash decision like that and then not contact the other person for 2 weeks? I think by now he would have said something. I know I can't wait for him to come back...it's out of the question, but I still hope he'll change his mind. I don't know why I'm feeling so terrible. Having gone through this so many times, knowing what expect, why am I still in so much pain.

 

I don't know what to do or what to say. I will go to my therapist tomorrow. I will tell him all that I'm experiencing. Hopefully he can suggest something, but I don't think anything will help me right now. I fell flat on my face today. I can just hope tomorrow will be better. Sorry if my posts are exhausting. I feel exhausted and it is shinig through what I write. I'm sorry. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

 

So sorry that you're feeling so bad I agree that there isn't much right now that's going to make you feel better. This just happened, it's very new, even having gone through it all before. After a bit of time passes, maybe some of the techniques we've all been discussing here will help. As for therapy, I'm sure it will help even a little bit just to be able to talk about it and get feedback from a professional. I'm glad your appointment is tomorrow. Let us know what he says.

 

How can anyone make a rash decision like that and then not contact the other person for 2 weeks? I think by now he would have said something.

Just a gentle reminder that he did try to call that one time, and we don't know what he wanted or what he was going to say. When you didn't answer, maybe he felt it best to leave you alone. I agree that he should try again if he wants to make this work, but maybe do some reading on "should" statements in the Feeling Good Handbook. We assume that people will act a certain way if they want to be with us, but sometimes that's just too black and white. Look at you and I. We want them back, we're thinking about them all the time, we would be willing to work things out if they were willing - but we haven't said a single word to them either. They could also conclude that we don't care. When there is complete silence on both sides, neither has any clue what the other is thinking or feeling.

 

It keeps ringing in my mind how he said...I don't know how we stayed together this long. Those are such hurtful words. Tell I'm wrong for being angry at him for making that statement?

 

Those statements he made are so powerful. They crush me anytime I think about it. I actually scrolled to his name in my text messages and I was about to reread them again, but I decided not to. I'm already in a lot of pain. When he sent me those messages, I don't think that was just anger talking, I believe that is how he felt and I believe that is how he still feels.

People say things out of anger or frustration, and they may mean it in the moment but feel differently once the anger wears off. Regardless of what he said then, we don't know what he's thinking or feeling today. He may be going back and forth about it, just thinking things through.

 

The bigger picture, though, is that if you did get back together, things would most likely continue exactly as they were. Every time this happens, you store away new suspicions and resentments due to what has happened (and rightfully so!). You didn't trust him, so how would you be able to trust him if you got back together again? I feel bad even saying things like this, because I know you just really really want it to work. But as long as he's not calling, maybe it's best to focus on the reasons it wasn't working, and why it wouldn't work if you two started back up again any time soon. But I know you still want it, regardless. I do too, with mine. I just try to remind myself of these same things - why it wasn't working, all the ways it made me miserable, how I would most likely be miserable yet again if we did get back together because he probably hasn't changed, and I could never trust him.

[lostlove76]

I just got out of the shower and had a "realization" of my own.

 

I've been doing exactly what you've been doing, lostlove...I keep posting and posting, hoping you'll "realize" that this man isn't the man of your dreams and that the relationship ended not because you refused to take his calls, but because he never followed through with any of the promises he made to you.

 

But I can't make you "realize". If you choose to spend the rest of your life monitoring his social media and his dating site activity and the social media of any women you suspect he's involved with, that is YOUR choice. And nothing I write will change your mind or change anything you do.

 

Maybe I should just take my own advice and "let it go". Maybe my posts feel like pressure to you and they're not helpful but rather make you feel like I think you're "wrong". You're not "wrong". You are exercising your right to make your own choices.

 

I'll sign off by saying that I really, really hope one day you DO "realize", and I'll read that you made some new friends or got involved in a new activity that allowed you to meet a wonderful man who cherishes you. I'd love to read that you decided to go to therapy, and that your therapist helped you understand that you are a good person who deserves love, not pain.

 

I understand your frustration, I really do. Telling someone over and over what you know will help them, and they never do anything about it and just remain stuck in the pain. You've had more patience with me than I would have had. For the record, your posts never bother me. I appreciate them and don't see them as pressure. They make me think about things. I guess I'm just stuck in this state of inertia, for whatever reason. I know that one day I'll look back and kick myself for allowing this to go on for so long. I'll probably feel embarrassed by it, as well as regretful. Thank you for your well wishes! It would feel nice to be able to happily report back that things have changed for the better. In the meantime, please feel free to post whatever you want, whenever you want. I totally understand the feeling of frustration and needing to let go, so it's also fine if you don't want to. But you're always welcome here (well, speaking for myself, but I'm sure ksol would agree lol). Thanks bolt

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove,

 

Hope you're doing well. I'm glad to hear today wasn't so bad for you. Crazy how things are so up and down. I do feel like I'm going through the brunt of this right now. I look forward to better days. I've been resting quite a bit since I got home earlier. I need to take extra care of myself right now. I only got up to get something to eat and then I laid back down. Depressing huh?

 

I also didn't go on Facebook until just a little while ago. I decided to search married woman. I found a post that she was tagged in over the weekend. She went to one of those escape rooms with a few friends from Tampa. Not sure if they have escape room where you live. Anyhow, that would mean she wasn't with him. I did all that crying and torturing myself for nothing. I still think they are communicating and he may eventually see her if he hasn't already. I think just like you have said as well as others, it doesn't do me any good keeping up with what he is doing. I will look regardless, but I think I don't need to revolve myself around it. He will do what he wants regardless and if he is the decent and respectable person he always told me he is, then he will take this difficult time to himself to think about what he really wants out of life. This loss of his children...gosh that makes it sound like something bad happened to them..but what I mean is that the decision not to raise them added wth the loss of this relationship is probably giving him a lot to think about. If he comes back into my life or not, should not be my main focus.

 

I am feeling so lost and so paralyzed by this. I think this being the 3rd times, it has really taken a toll on me. I've reached my capacity. I can't take this anymore. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to enjoy my life, enjoy my family, focus on things I want to accomplish. I can't do this with him anymore. I'm just wasting my precious life on this. A friend of mine always tell me...ksol, you were born alone, you came into this world alone..you will leave alone. You need no one to make you happy. You need your family and god in your heart. That's it!

How true is that? So many people have supported me through my struggles with this man especially my family. Even people here like you and others on ENA. It's just amazing how I still wish a stubborn mind and a stubborn heart continue to allow this to have a hold on me. I don't need to fool anyone because at the end of the day, I'll be fooling myself.

 

I've made some mistakes in my life. In love, I've made plenty. One day I'll get it right. This can't continue like this. I've got to find a way to get myself out of this place that I've gotten stuck in. For the first time in a long time, I thought about some goals that I might consider. I never finished my master's..maybe next semester, since this semester has started already, I'll go back to school. That's a start right? By that time I should be on my feet...at least I hope. I have to do something with myself. Maybe I lost myself somewhere along the way and that is why my self confidence is low. Maybe if I start to do things to better myself like school, excercise, basic self care, I'll begin to heal. I need to set some short term goals and begin working on them. This is what he wanted..he didn't want to be apart of my life. I know who I am and I now my potential. I'm a very ambitious person. He knows what he has lost by endung this relationship. Just as my uncle said, just as many of you have told me...value yourself. Keep those who value you close. Maybe he doesn't know how to value a woman. This man has had a terrible life..completely opposite of mine. No parents, both died when he was very young. His mother was a drug addict. After her death and even before, he was moved around from different foster homes. Then an uncle finally took him in. This uncle was in the military. They even lived in Germany for a number of years. He had such a troubled upbringing and has never had stability until he had his children. It seems that the relationship with their mother was riddled with problems but they had 2 children to raise. They married toward the end of their relationship and divorced about a year after they married. If that doesn't scream red flag then I don't know what to say. Did I recognize those things as red flags? Absolutely! I tried not to judge him and I still ignored every flag. I'm not saying he is a band person. I don't think he is a bad person at all. I think he just had a horrible life and that has impacted him today. Everyone has their own set of problems. It's just about learning how to manage and work with eachother. We've had a lot of difficulties.

 

I don't know what I'm trying to say. Just processing I guess. My mind is foggy. I feel confused among other things. Going to read a bit since I didn't get to it earlier.

 

I hope you're having a great night. I'll check back in later.

[Ksol9]

I just remembered what I wanted to mention...

 

I remember you talking about commitment phobic men. I think it's quite simple. If a man wants to commit, he will. He will pursue, he will reach out, he will make sure you are apart of his life. What happens when they do all of those things, but a vital part of maintaining a healthy relationship I.e communication is missing? In my case, I am dealing with so'meone who very much made me apart of every aspect of his life, he pursued, he did all the things he should have done to show me he wanted to be in a committed relationship. When it came to communication and working through problems, it was too hard for him. I truly believe his issues are not just because of something on the surface. There is a deep rooted issue for why he finds difficulty in handling conflict in a healthy way. If a man doesn't want to commit or change, there is nothing in the world you can do differently to make him. I could twist and turn myself inside out and still would be able to make him change. He has to want to change, want to commit, want to be with you.

 

Why am I forcing this to be in my mind? I know it's over, but there is no harm in letting go. There is hsrm in holding on. He doesn't want to commit for whatever reason and in some ways, maybe I don't want to commit either. I have had so many reservations about him and most of them are based on fear. I think the same goes for him. He definitely has to be fearful providing all the things he has been through in life and in relationships.

 

This is just a thought I guess....

[Ms Darcy]

I've been doing exactly what you've been doing, lostlove...I keep posting and posting, hoping you'll "realize" that this man isn't the man of your dreams and that the relationship ended not because you refused to take his calls, but because he never followed through with any of the promises he made to you.

 

But I can't make you "realize". If you choose to spend the rest of your life monitoring his social media and his dating site activity and the social media of any women you suspect he's involved with, that is YOUR choice. And nothing I write will change your mind or change anything you do.

 

Our brains are the architects of our perceptions of reality. At the end of the day, "staying stuck" is as much of a choice as "moving on."

 

I've stopped contributing to certain journals for that reason. Because you can't make anyone "see" anything they don't want to see. That's the hardest thing about trying to help ... recognizing that sometimes you can't help.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. This will probably be a short post, because I need to take a shower and get ready for bed. Reading sounds nice and relaxing; I hope you can somewhat enjoy it, and that it makes you feel calmer.

 

That's great that you found out she wasn't with him this weekend. See, occasionally we find something good when we look, and it can help ease our worries. I'm sure that's not a good enough reason to keep doing it, but I know that it brought you some relief to see that. (I've never heard of an escape room, btw; I don't know what that is.) I guess the problem is that the relief is temporary, only lasting until the next time you feel sure he must be with her. And it usually takes so long for a clue to pop up that we've then wasted all that time feeling scared and awful. I'll never tell you to quit looking though, because I know how it is, and I obviously haven't stopped either.

 

Commitment-phobia is such a complicated thing. I still haven't decided if I believe your guy to be cp. As you said, he integrated you into his life, wanted to live with you, etc. But going after married women is definitely something commitment-phobes do, as well as long-distance (married woman is long distance to him). Cheating is definitely something commitment-phobes do. And on/off is definitely a pattern with commitment-phobes; they need space when you're close, and they miss you when you're gone. Given those things, he probably does have a touch of it. Commitment-phobes will even live with you or marry you, but they sabotage things with distancing behaviors (cheating, for example).

 

"If a man doesn't want to commit or change, there is nothing in the world you can do differently to make him." --> Unfortunately, this is very true. Lord knows I tried with mine. I read everything about cp that I could get my hands on, I gave him his space, I let him do all the pursuing, I was understanding and patient and forgiving. I tried every single thing I knew to try, and where did it get me? Him moving away, and then swearing for 6 months that he wanted me to move there and be together forever, only for it to all end completely because I got fed up with him for not following through. And there really weren't "problems" in our relationship, per se... not in terms of not getting along, or being unable to communicate, or any of the things that "normal" couples may have difficulties with. All the issues we had were caused by him distancing himself in various ways. That's it. Everything else was perfect, in terms of connection and love and getting along. He screwed it all up for no reason at all, and that's what commitment-phobes do. Makes me so mad just thinking about it.

 

I think you two had a more "normal" relationship than we did. There was commitment to some extent, with you guys living together and merging your lives. But when conflict arose, he bailed. And if someone is going to bail, there's very little you can do about it. Chasing after them doesn't work.

 

If you do get back together, I really think that couples counseling might be necessary - or even just him going to counseling on his own, while you go to yours on your own. You both have things to work on in the way you relate and react to each other. I think you would need an outside party to guide you in some healthy direction as a couple, or at least have him work on his issues while you work on yours. Without that, I don't see how things could get better. It does sound like he has some deep-rooted issues, no doubt.

 

I hope you can manage to get some sleep tonight, ksol. I'm going to get in the bed soon, but it'll probably be a while before I'm able to fall asleep. If you write anything, I'll probably see it. Otherwise will chat with you tomorrow. Be sure to let us know what your therapist says. Maybe he'll help to untangle your thoughts a bit.

[Ksol9]

Hi there,

 

I got quite a bit of sleep but I just woke up and decided to write. Illl try to fall back asleep in a bit.

 

The commitment phone subject is up for discussion because while he wanted a serious commitment, I always felt something was off. Anytime it came to discussing important matters like relationship issues, I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells. He would often become defensive like I was interrupting his relax time. Just typing that makes me see how unhealthy that was. Half the time my issues were probably pointless, but there were things that needed to be discussed that he would rather brush under the rug. We communicated when we had to. I think he definitely tried especially when I went back after the email. He really tried, but there has to be sine deep rooted issues there because the way he handled things with me is how he handled things with others even family. I think that's why he has such a small circle. He doesn't speak with most of his family. They are estranged and have been throughout our relationship. It's not that people don't love and care for him, it's that they don't feel like dealing with his crap. I guess you could say the same thing for me. If I were him, I wouldn't put up with behavior either. I would bail, but I'd definitely make a big point of it that would require changes.

 

Therapy would be very helpful if we were to reconcile. He has agreed to it before but never followed through. He's not even a person to admit his wrongs. It takes him quite a bit of strength, courage, and time to do so. Another terrible wualityro deal with. Ay thjs point, I don't think I'll hear from him again. He is set on moving on and probably doesn't see the relationship as salvageable.

 

Although going on Facebook confirmed she wasn't with him, it didn't ease my fears. I know he is still moving on regardless. I think he feels this mountain is too high and there is no way things are going to change. He's so angry with me. Some people don't lose that angler. It stays for a very long time. I'm sure I still anger and resentment for him beneath and I'm sure it will resurface should we get back together.

 

This month is already half over. It feels like ages since this whole thing happened. I feel like this isn't normal. It isn't normal. Couples don't just break up over things like this and if they do, it is resolved quickly and life carries on. We have gone through this cycle numerous times and now I think my biggest struggle is moving on. I can't spend my days worrying about him. I have to find a way to move on and maybe all that I'm experiencing is normal and things will eventually get better. I just want to do the right thing. That's all. The relationship I had is gone. The children are no longer there so I don't even know what the dynamic will be like between us. I doubt I'll ever hear from him again even if wanted to reconcile. He made it very clear that we would never work. Those are very final words.

 

I never got around to reading. I can't concentrate. Something is very off with me and I know I'll be very tired tomorrow again. This is just draining the energy out of me. I need sleep and more sleep. Hopefully something will come out of my therapy session tomorrow. I don't expect much though. I'm going to talk about what I experienced this past weekend and how I am feeling now. Last time we got into my childhood and exploring why I have chosen to be in the past 2 relationships. I haven't had an ah-ha moment when everything just suddenly made sense. I don't get it and I can't make sense of why things didn't work with him and I. A lot of it seemed like it could have easily been resolved with communication. I'm just tired of this whole thing. I'm over it. I don't want to be stuck under this negative cloud anymore. I want to wake up feeling fresh and rejuvenated. I want to wake up with purpose and direction.

 

I hope you get some sleep. I see that you're on so maybe you haven't fallen asleep yet. I know it's late so maybe we will chat tomorrow. Take care.

[Ksol9]

Sorry for the typos. I'm writing from my phone and it's difficult to go back.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I don't know what time I ended up falling asleep. I just got up, and it doesn't feel like I got enough, but that's nearly always the case. I must have passed out around the time you posted, because I didn't see that there was anything new. I was just reading random stories trying to relax my mind. I think if you and I could both get at least a week of solid sleep, we'd be much better able to cope with things. I hope you feel like you got enough last night. What time is your appointment? I need to eat and start getting ready for work in a few, and then I'll be back early evening.

 

Since therapy sessions are only an hour long, it will take a while to sort through all of this with him and start to make sense of it. At least you're going, though, and eventually I'm sure you'll start to have some ah-ah moments.

 

From what you've described, and if you always felt something was off, he probably does have some commitment-phobia. Like I said, cp guys can live with you and even get married; they just end up sabotaging and throwing out distancing behaviors. Even people who say they want commitment - and maybe they even feel that they do - can be commitment-phobes. I honestly think I must have some of it myself. They say that if you're with a commitment-phobe, it's because you are one also. Maybe something to consider with yourself, as well? There are terms for it, but it's escaping me. Active and passive, I think, just did a quick Google. The passive cp is the one who seems to be seeking commitment, but gets involved with active cp's - I guess because it's safe.

 

I don't know that he's done forever. Yes, he said those things, but he was frustrated. I doubt he's even as angry as you're imagining him to be. History would show that he'll most likely come back in a month or two. I would just seriously consider whether this is okay with you. If you allow him back, he knows he can do this whenever he wants to. He knows he can get frustrated and choose not to deal with things, and then pick back up once the issues have calmed. He may not even be doing it on purpose. I know you want him back, but I ask again if it's worth it to have to break up and have silent periods every few months.

 

I guess I better be getting a move on. Good luck at your appointment, and I will chat with you more soon

 

Oh, real quick, I only saw mine get on and right back off twice yesterday. So I wonder what he's doing. Ive always found it strange that some days he's on a ton, and some days not at all. It's not my place any more to care, but at this point in time, at least, it's just mild curiosity. I seem to start feeling a bit anxious and agitated when I haven't seen him on for a long time. His ex has been on constantly, however, so at least they don't seem to be talking 24/7. I guess I'll never feel okay at the thought of him being close with someone else. I guess that's a pretty normal feeling about exes.