Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

"How are things with you? I hope you're not worrying too much about the ex. You may have written about it recently but things have been so foggy for me in the past couple days so I may have missed any updates you posted about him"

 

Hi ksol. I hope you're hanging in there. I just got home. I'm going to catch up on what you've written in just a bit, but I really need to get this off my mind so that I can refocus. I've felt very bothered today at the thought of him and the ex reconnecting. He's been getting on fb a ton late last night and today. And she's been on all afternoon. So when I see them on at the same time so often, I can only conclude that they're messaging. In my mind, I'm picturing them getting closer and closer and him saying to her all the things he said to me, and them visiting each other, and having a relationship again for a long time if not forever. I just don't understand it, after everything she told me about not having feelings for him and knowing how he is and all that stuff. And I really don't know whether to feel betrayed by her (anyone have any opinion on this?)... but I kind of do.

 

She shared some song that some friend of hers posted, in which this friend was singing a song she had written herself about falling in love. The friend prefaced the video by saying that it was about falling in love and then losing it, and forgiving oneself, and something about God. So his ex shared this video and wrote about how all her relationships past, present, and future are lessons for her. And that the biggest lesson she's learned is how to let go and trust the universe without fear in things she can't see. Blah blah blah. And I just wonder if she's referring to HIM.

 

The other thing that's bothering me is that he'll never have any reason to call me if he's connecting with her. And if he connects with her, does that mean that he's just satisfied with whatever is in front of him in the moment (figuratively speaking, since it's all long distance) and none of it has been special to him, whether me or her? Or does it mean that it's equally special for him at the time, and therefore I wasn't really anything special at all? They have a history. But since their relationship ended years ago, he's just contacted a few times a year and then I guess it would fizzle. She said it was just friends, but she sure did latch on every time it happened - I could tell, because she was posting all over his wall constantly. I can't see if she's doing that this time. So was she lying to me when she said she had no feelings?

 

This is just really REALLY bothering me. I think I'll ask my mom what she thinks, and then I'll be back to catch up.

 

Hi there-

You and I really do think alike. The questions your mind comes up is much like my thinking. Do you know if she was in a relationship recently? Maybe she was talking about a recent relationship that ended. That doesn't necessarily has to be about him. If I befriended one of my ex's ex girlfriends and we spoke in confidence about our experience with our ex, I don't know that I would feel betrayed if he and her reconnected. I think the things she spoke to you about were what she was feeling at the moment about him. I just sense by what you explained that if they are talking on facebook, it is probably nothing serious. It could be light conversation. We don't know that they are talking seriously and reconnecting in that way. There has been no clues of that. I think what you are doing is exactly what I am doing. I am thinking the very worst and what would be the worst case scenario? Him meeting a woman or reconnecting with a woman from his past and they walk off into the sunset together, forgetting we ever existed. I'm not saying he isn't connecting with anyone, in fact, I'm sure he is chatting with women and doing what single guys do. I just don't think there is anything serious enough going on just yet. They added eachother a few days ago correct? Also, the post she shared must have struck something inside of her. She related the song in some way and she commented on it in a very general way. I could say the same about my past relationships. I don't believe this was directed toward anyone in particular.

 

Your mind is definitely doing what mine is doing. We are finding one clue about one woman and then manifesting it into something much larger. We are by no means psychic and I think our emotions make up feel that this hunch we have is VERY real when in fact...we know nothing for sure. I am saying all of this to you, but on my end I feel so certain he is sleeping with the married woman. smh

 

As for his reason to call or not to call...I still strongly believe even if he wanted to call you, he knows you will not take any BS from him. He may feel you want nothing to do with him and that you've moved on with your life entirely. He has no idea you miss him terribly. Very similar to what happened with me...I told him I wanted nothing to do with him after that email incident. He poked around a couple times to see if I would communicate with him. It took him 6 weeks to even resurface again. If I would have rejected the amount of times that you rejected him, he would not have come back. He definitely would have given up for good. How many months has it been now since the last time he tried to call you? Do you think he sees you on facebook? Are any of your posts or photos public? I'm sure he checks your page. He may not see signs of a relationship, but I think the main reason he hasn't contacted you is because he thinks you are done with him making the entire thing impossible. I know you have said many times that no challenge is great enough for a man who truly loves a woman and I feel the same, but he did try many times and was rejected. He has just moved on because he thought that is for sure what you wanted.

[Ms Darcy]

Hi Ms. Darcy,

 

Yes, I was in a very unhealthy relationship..an abusive relationship...prior to this recent relationship. I would attempt to leave him and would end up going back on numerous occasions. There wouldn't be long periods of NC. He would contact within a day or so and it was a continuous cycle. Ultimately, I was able to end the relationship, but it was very difficult. I don't know if that relationship created some issues within me. I have mentioned it to my therapist and hopefully we will be able to work further on what is going on with me. There is definitely something wrong on my end if I am ending up in relationships like this.

 

I think that, especially since this seems to be a pattern, you'll definitely want to work with the therapist. In the end, if you want marriage with children in your future with a man who's compatible with you, you'll have to get off this hamster wheel. And I mean that as someone who has been there.

[Ksol9]

I think that, especially since this seems to be a pattern, you'll definitely want to work with the therapist. In the end, if you want marriage with children in your future with a man who's compatible with you, you'll have to get off this hamster wheel. And I mean that as someone who has been there.

 

 

This is so true. I literally feel like I'm on a hamster wheel. This relationship has ended and it appears that this time for good. I have a chance to recollect myself, start fresh, and work diligently with my therapist, so that when I do enter another relationship I can hopefully get it right.

[Ms Darcy]

This is so true. I literally feel like I'm on a hamster wheel. This relationship has ended and it appears that this time for good. I have a chance to recollect myself, start fresh, and work diligently with my therapist, so that when I do enter another relationship I can hopefully get it right.

 

Mostly, I think the biggest lesson is to learn how to move on asap if/when the next relationship isn't working out.

[Ksol9]

Mostly, I think the biggest lesson is to learn how to move on asap if/when the next relationship isn't working out.

 

I actually just read one of your earlier posts in my thread when I left him in August. You pointed out some red flags that were there from the very beginning and I ignored. I am known to do this. I run with my heart and I don't think with my head. That has gotten me into trouble many times. When am I going to learn? Maybe I needed to go through these terrible experiences to learn? I don't know. I do hope by the time I do enter another relationship, I will tread more carefully and learn to let go when it's time to let go. Not hold on, hold on, until there's so much damage. I held on to this man for dear life and I am still holding on to hope that has been long gone.

[Ksol9]

I can't concentrate. I tried to do some reading. Nothing is registering. I can't believe I am going through this again. Why would I take this kind of risk? Especially when I knew the odds with this man? Does that sound like the decision of an intelligent woman? He just picked up and carried on with his life like I was nothing and to say that this isn't the first time he has done this to me. He has treated me like I meant nothing, left me in despair and in pain for months, only to come back hoping enough time had passed that I would allow everything to be brushed under the rug. This time, seemingly the last and final breakup, makes me feel like I just made a lot of bad decisions and wasted a lot of time. The time, engery, money for therapy, is far more than what it was worth. The amount of suffering I will have to endure for the next few months is going to be extremely challenging and to think I just starting this process right now. I am strong enough to not contact him. I am so discouraged right now. I feel like I can't even see a glimmer of happiness in my near future. What kind of life is this? This is no life to live? I'm not happy and I don't even know where to start to find myself again. I'm lost and I'm broken in a million pieces.

[lostlove76]

@Ksol9 if it's any consolation my ex girlfriend started seeing someone within days after we broke up, in fact, she was most likely seeing him "her friend" towards the tail end of our relationship. And now they're living together. People like this have no integrity, respect and decency to at least pull you to the side and say "this isn't working out, lets go our separate ways." Instead they'll string you along until it's convenient for them to bail on us and go the other way full force where they think the grass is greener. Trust me, not a day goes by where I don't regret my mistakes. It just pisses me off that I foolishly gave my ex all the power. The regret is literally eating me up inside. Just when I think I'm getting better I take two steps back. It's an endless, viscous cycle. I guess it's an indication that I'm still in love with her, which I am, unfortunately. The pain is unbearable. I too have dreams of her almost once a week. Just the other night I had a dream where she told me "I love you." And I instantly woke up and was like "daammm." We're all suffering with you Ksol9. All of us. This thought is the only thing that keeps me from losing it completely because it makes me feel like I'm not alone.

 

And Hi lostlove76

 

Hi JustinPonders! I'm sorry to hear that you're still having difficulties. As you may have read here, I am too. You're right, at least none of us have to go through it alone. Big hugs!

[Ksol9]

Hi JustinPonders, I meant to respond to your post earlier. Thank you for writing. I'm sorry that you're in pain. It's really a horrible thing to go through. I think sometimes its necessary in order to learn and grow and other times I just don't understand it. I am still in the beginning stages of this breakup and although this is not our first split, I am having just as much difficulty as any of the other times.

 

The support I have received from you and others on the thread is appreciated. I feel better knowing I am not alone and there are others who can relate and offer support. You have our support as well.

 

Hang in there!

[boltnrun]

As long as you realize that getting back together with him isn't the solution for your pain, but rather the cause of it.

 

It's so common for people to feel the pain of a breakup, to "miss" someone, and then to conclude that the only right path is to return to the relationship to relieve the pain. But returning will only delay the pain, then magnetize it a thousand fold when the inevitable next breakup comes.

 

The relationship is what's hurting you...not the end of the relationship.

 

It's like recovering from surgery. Yes, it takes time and it's painful and you just want it to be over. But the solution isn't to put the gall bladder or the tumor or whatever back into your body or to leave it in there! It needed to go.

 

Give it time and eventually you'll feel much better once you've recovered.

 

And it's OK to feel sad, to grieve. But please continue with therapy, I think it will benefit you immensely.

[Ksol9]

"Some people will value you based on their own limited perceptions, beliefs, motives, experiences, and expectations. How they value you says more about themselves than it does about you! It is very important to value yourself and respect yourself. No longer indulge in meaningless and useless comparisons with others. You are unique, special, and original and the only one of your kind in this universe. This is the value of your life. Associate with those who recognize your true value and much less with those who see you just as a means to fulfill their own dreams and ambitions."

 

My family is quite large. I have a lot of uncles, aunts, cousins. We all communicate though WhatsApp just to keep in touch. My uncle wrote this motivational excerpt above. It couldn't be more appropriate for me at this time in my life. He doesn't know what I am going through, but I feel it was meant especially for me.

[lostlove76]

Okay, I'm back. I had to talk to my mom and eat dinner. Then I waited til I was back on my laptop so that I can quote. I'll just go in order of posts here as I catch up, and comment on some things.

 

A couple days before the breakup, he shared a memory from maybe 3 years ago. The photo was of him, his cousin, and one of the women I saw sent him a photo of herself in her underwear (another married woman). Just a side note, I absolutely mirror your views on married women who sleep with men other than their husband and the men they sleep with are just as bad if they know she is married. Anyhow, my facebook has been deactivated for some time. I never put it back up because I just didn't want to share my life I guess. He saw it as a way for me to reactivate only to peek at his page and then deactivate. He was offended that I was restricting him from seeing my page..although I wasnt active. This always bothered him and he saw it as sneaky behavior on my behalf. I honestly, would go on maybe once a day just to peek at what everyone else was doing, not just him, and then deactivate. Well the day he shared the photo with this woman, I was upset about it. I saw it as disrespectful of him to post. He knows she was an issue in our relationship and was part of the cause for one of our prior breakups. He ended up apologizing and deleted the photo. Me with my negative thinking, should have been satisfied by his gesture, accepted the apology, and moved on. Instead I continued on throughout the day with an attitude, ignoring him at times, just poor behavior. He grew more angry. I guess he was on at the same time I signed on and he deleted me. When I realized he deleted me, I asked him why he would do that and I expressed that it made it seem like he was hiding something. He began to scream at me and stated that his facebook activity was his business and not to worry about what he is doing. He said that I blocked him for months and he wasn't able to see my page...blah, blah. It's just facebook, but the action created a huge problem. It was a major catalyst behind this breakup, because I was extremely annoyed and upset he was hiding it from me. Although, he never hid his phone or showed signs that he was hiding anything, I took it as a spiteful way to handle the matter and it was part of the reason I was behaving so terribly with him those last few days. There has only been one other person who played that game with me...deleting me off facebook just because they're mad...and that person turned out to be the biggest con artist Ive ever met in my life. I kept thinking really negative thoughts about that issue.

It's amazing how many problems facebook causes within relationships - jealousies, suspicions, ways to spite each other, reasons for feelings to be hurt, misunderstandings to occur, secrets to be kept, temptations always readily available. Not to mention all the time spent stalking posts and likes and comments and pictures and times last online. It really brings out the insecurities in those of us who are prone to it, and even causes doubts among those who normally wouldn't fret. It's awful!!! Typing it all out like that makes me hate it. I can totally see how both of you would be bothered by the things you named. All of this is very common.

 

I think this is exactly what is going on. He doesn't want to broadcast what is going on in his life right now. He's sharing photos of the children and family members will comment and he's not responding. No funny videos or pictures. He's just browsing facebook and not interacting much it looks like. But it is just facebook and you can't conclude what a person is feeling or what they are doing unless there are direct posts about their feelings.

Very very true. I know that my posts and comments make me seem pretty happy and chipper a good 90% of the time, and that is far from the case. I'm not that I am purposely trying to misrepresent myself, nor am I caring or thinking about how I may be perceived; it's just how I interact on there, for whatever reason. So you really CAN'T know what someone is feeling based on their facebook activity. But of course, knowing that doesn't stop us from trying.

 

Yes, our relationship is over, but what would happen if he were to come back into my life? I would be in the exact same situation I was in before.

My mom asked me this very same question earlier, as well, when I was talking with her. And it's such a good point. You would be right back to worrying about what he's doing, and what he did while you were apart, and you would have all the same resentments, and he would be doing the same things he's always done. And then eventually there would be another breakup, and you would have to go through every bit of this misery yet another time. Over and over, because this has now become the pattern. I hate to be negative, but if you are in the mindset of feeling like you need to move on for the sake of your own well-being, these are the things you need to be reminding yourself.

 

I absolutely do not need to be competing for his heart with a trashy married woman. She couldn't compare to me by a long shot. She can have him. I won't stand in their way.

Nope - never ever compete with another woman! If a man chooses someone else over you, he doesn't deserve you. He may temporarily think the grass is greener (more freedom, more excitement, no commitment, whatever), but he will see soon enough that what he had was much better than what he got. What he'll get is a trashy, s l u t ty (ha, it blanked that word out the first time, oops), male-attention-seeking woman with no morals, and he'll have to share half of her with her husband. What a prize, right? And she'll get someone who is okay with not having all of her, and who has no problem with the fact that she's married. Lose-lose for both of them.

 

The type of women he plays around with are not respectable women.

Which really says a lot about him. No respectable man would associate with women like her. We flock to our own kind. So there's something inside him that feels he's on the same level as these women.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove, I read your most recent post, but wanted to write about something I just saw he posted. I'll respond to your post in a few.

 

I have access to his facebook page now as my friend logged into her facebook from the app on my phone. She is allowing me to use it. He posted a video he took of a beach. I don't recognize this beach at all. It doesn't look like any florida beaches, definitely not tampa. The sand is dark tan and not white like most beaches here in florida. It honestly looks like a beach in Puerto Rico. I've been there a couple of times and he is half puerto rican. He has family there. I could be wrong, but he may have taken a trip away. He isn't saying anything in the video. He's just filming the sand and the waves. It looks beautiful and very quiet wherever he is. There are no people on the beach. Maybe he isn't with the girl in Tampa or maybe they took a trip together or maybe he took a trip alone. I guess he took a trip somewhere to clear his mind.

[lostlove76]

Hi there-

You and I really do think alike. The questions your mind comes up is much like my thinking. Do you know if she was in a relationship recently? Maybe she was talking about a recent relationship that ended. That doesn't necessarily has to be about him. If I befriended one of my ex's ex girlfriends and we spoke in confidence about our experience with our ex, I don't know that I would feel betrayed if he and her reconnected. I think the things she spoke to you about were what she was feeling at the moment about him. I just sense by what you explained that if they are talking on facebook, it is probably nothing serious. It could be light conversation. We don't know that they are talking seriously and reconnecting in that way. There has been no clues of that. I think what you are doing is exactly what I am doing. I am thinking the very worst and what would be the worst case scenario? Him meeting a woman or reconnecting with a woman from his past and they walk off into the sunset together, forgetting we ever existed. I'm not saying he isn't connecting with anyone, in fact, I'm sure he is chatting with women and doing what single guys do. I just don't think there is anything serious enough going on just yet. They added eachother a few days ago correct? Also, the post she shared must have struck something inside of her. She related the song in some way and she commented on it in a very general way. I could say the same about my past relationships. I don't believe this was directed toward anyone in particular.

 

Your mind is definitely doing what mine is doing. We are finding one clue about one woman and then manifesting it into something much larger. We are by no means psychic and I think our emotions make up feel that this hunch we have is VERY real when in fact...we know nothing for sure. I am saying all of this to you, but on my end I feel so certain he is sleeping with the married woman. smh

 

As for his reason to call or not to call...I still strongly believe even if he wanted to call you, he knows you will not take any BS from him. He may feel you want nothing to do with him and that you've moved on with your life entirely. He has no idea you miss him terribly. Very similar to what happened with me...I told him I wanted nothing to do with him after that email incident. He poked around a couple times to see if I would communicate with him. It took him 6 weeks to even resurface again. If I would have rejected the amount of times that you rejected him, he would not have come back. He definitely would have given up for good. How many months has it been now since the last time he tried to call you? Do you think he sees you on facebook? Are any of your posts or photos public? I'm sure he checks your page. He may not see signs of a relationship, but I think the main reason he hasn't contacted you is because he thinks you are done with him making the entire thing impossible. I know you have said many times that no challenge is great enough for a man who truly loves a woman and I feel the same, but he did try many times and was rejected. He has just moved on because he thought that is for sure what you wanted.

 

Thank you so much for this. It's been bothering me all day long. Even if I'm not actively thinking about it, it's still always floating around in the back of my mind and making me feel distracted and agitated. You're right, you and I both fear and assume the worst-case scenario, and it feels very real to us that it will occur. This is usually based on little to no information or clues about what they're doing.

 

I don't know of any relationships she's been in recently, but maybe she did have something going with someone else. She added him back a week and a half ago, but no way to know if they were talking before adding each other back. She added him only one week after I made that post on my page about what a horrible year it had been for me due to a breakup with someone I really loved - she would have known exactly who and what I was talking about, and she hearted the post. Maybe you're right and her post today was just about relationships in general. The video she shared had been posted within 3 hours of her sharing it, so she saw it and reacted with her thoughts rather than just typing something off the top of her head.

 

I really do feel like they're talking, though. I don't know how much or how seriously. But he's been online a whole lot more since they added each other back, way more than he was before. And she's on constantly. When she's off for an hour or more (like right now), I then feel like they must be talking on the phone. For anyone who may think it's easy to just quit looking (not talking about anyone in particular, just anyone who may be reading here), try putting a bowl of pills on the table in front of a pill addict and telling them not to take any. It's so easily accessible that it's almost impossible not to do it.

 

To answer your question, it's now been almost 7 months since the last time he tried to call. I'm proud of the fact that I haven't even sent a smoke signal, unless he's noticed me posting cheerful comments on mutual friend's posts (which I think I do sometimes trying to get his attention, sort of subconsciously, and yet aware of what I'm doing at the same time). My page is completely private, friend list and all. Except that I did start allowing my cover and profile photos to remain public starting a few months ago, but they're never of me or anything going on in my life - just cool photos I've taken of random things. So that's all he can see of mine. I can see his friend list and the pages he's liked, and that's it. He never changes his profile or cover photos.

 

I wonder if his ex has mentioned me to him at all. And I do wonder if he's ever noticed that he can see me online.... and if he has noticed, whether or not he even cares.

 

Maybe he does think I never want to hear from him again. Or maybe he knows I'll ask questions about what's gone on since we broke up, or give him h3ll about the way things ended. Maybe it's just easier not to call. But it sure feels like he forgot about me a very long time ago, and it's as if I never existed.

[lostlove76]

Hi lostlove, I read your most recent post, but wanted to write about something I just saw he posted. I'll respond to your post in a few.

 

I have access to his facebook page now as my friend logged into her facebook from the app on my phone. She is allowing me to use it. He posted a video he took of a beach. I don't recognize this beach at all. It doesn't look like any florida beaches, definitely not tampa. The sand is dark tan and not white like most beaches here in florida. It honestly looks like a beach in Puerto Rico. I've been there a couple of times and he is half puerto rican. He has family there. I could be wrong, but he may have taken a trip away. He isn't saying anything in the video. He's just filming the sand and the waves. It looks beautiful and very quiet wherever he is. There are no people on the beach. Maybe he isn't with the girl in Tampa or maybe they took a trip together or maybe he took a trip alone. I guess he took a trip somewhere to clear his mind.

 

Hi, I just happened to see this after I posted my most recent. I still have other posts to read and catch up on. Hmm. So at least you know he isn't in Tampa. But like you're saying, you don't know much more than that. He may post again, though, with more clues. Does he have his "Nearby Friends" thing turned on? (I'm sure I shouldn't be encouraging the monitoring, but whatever. You and I are both going to continue doing it, even knowing that it's bad for us, so might as well be honest and transparent about it).

[lostlove76]

"Some people will value you based on their own limited perceptions, beliefs, motives, experiences, and expectations. How they value you says more about themselves than it does about you! It is very important to value yourself and respect yourself. No longer indulge in meaningless and useless comparisons with others. You are unique, special, and original and the only one of your kind in this universe. This is the value of your life. Associate with those who recognize your true value and much less with those who see you just as a means to fulfill their own dreams and ambitions."

 

My family is quite large. I have a lot of uncles, aunts, cousins. We all communicate though WhatsApp just to keep in touch. My uncle wrote this motivational excerpt above. It couldn't be more appropriate for me at this time in my life. He doesn't know what I am going through, but I feel it was meant especially for me.

 

What a wise man. I screenshotted that to reread a few times for my own benefit, as well. Thank you for sharing. And he's right, ya know. We're both lucky to have people in our lives - family, friends, members here at ena - who DO value us for who we are, and who don't give up on us, and who don't make us feel like we're disposable. I feel guilty sometimes for putting all of my energy into this one person who makes me feel like complete crap, rather than into those who really do care, and who actually SHOW that they care. These guys who leave us hanging in complete misery really are not worthy of any part of us. Easy to say, and doesn't really change how we're feeling, I know - but definitely something to think about.

[Ksol9]

Hi, I just happened to see this after I posted my most recent. I still have other posts to read and catch up on. Hmm. So at least you know he isn't in Tampa. But like you're saying, you don't know much more than that. He may post again, though, with more clues. Does he have his "Nearby Friends" thing turned on? (I'm sure I shouldn't be encouraging the monitoring, but whatever. You and I are both going to continue doing it, even knowing that it's bad for us, so might as well be honest and transparent about it).

 

 

So he is definitely out of state. I can bet it's Puerto Rico. The next thing is I wonder who he is with? He may have gone alone, but I am thinking he went with her. I'm curious to know who he went with.

 

I just went on again to see if anyone had commented and I was saw he liked a post the married woman's sister posted on her timeline. The sister is not his friend so that means he searched her page to like this post which is public and anyone can like. He's also active on instagram again. He is just browsing social media like facebook and instagram. I feel stupid saying that I am watching his activity, but it's like you said...I couldn't stop so easily. The married woman's sister's post said....I'm mature enough to forgive you, but I'm not dumb enough to trust you again. Strange that he liked it.

[lostlove76]

So he is definitely out of state. I can bet it's Puerto Rico. The next thing is I wonder who he is with? He may have gone alone, but I am thinking he went with her. I'm curious to know who he went with.

 

I just went on again to see if anyone had commented and I was saw he liked a post the married woman's sister posted on her timeline. The sister is not his friend so that means he searched her page to like this post which is public and anyone can like. He's also active on instagram again. He is just browsing social media like facebook and instagram. I feel stupid saying that I am watching his activity, but it's like you said...I couldn't stop so easily. The married woman's sister's post said....I'm mature enough to forgive you, but I'm not dumb enough to trust you again. Strange that he liked it.

 

That is strange that he liked that. Ironic!! Also strange that he would visit the married woman's sister's page, and leave evidence that he did so (liking the post). I've fanned out my searches to look at friends of friends and such, but I would never ever like something on any of their pages because it screams stalker. So that's just kind of weird that he would do that. I guess he was just being clueless and not thinking about how that might appear to anyone.

 

If he was on the trip with the woman, he probably wouldn't be browsing fb and ig. Because where would she be while he's playing on his phone? So I would think more with family or friends or alone. Is it possible that he traveled there for work?

[Ksol9]

Lostlove, I was just reading through your posts again and i thought to myself, we both come up with these conclusions that are based on our fears. Look at my situation for example, I swore he was in Tampa with this woman. Instead he is vacationing in Puerto Rico. I don't know with whom and it could be the married woman, but it's most likely that he went alone. He may have gone to clear his head. What I'm trying to say is..we focus on the conclusions we come up with and most times it's centered on worse case scenarios I.e. Other women. It doesn't necessarily mean that is what's happening. I would have never guessed he was in Puerto Rico. You and I think so much alike. It's like our brains function the same. We focus on things that we shouldn't.

 

The ex that you believe he is talking to is on at the same time he is on but I think if they were talking more seriously they would chat through their phones through text messages or voice calls. I don't believe anything serious is going on there at all. If you start to see posts or anything directly referring to him then I would be draw a conclusion. I'm only trying to ease your fears and I know I shouldn't be encouraging you to look, but I am just like you and we both know we will continue to look for clues. I think the post where she shared the song was just in general.

 

7 months seems like ages. I can barely get through the second week. I can't even begin to think about 5 months or 7 months. Gives me anxiety to think I will suffer with this for so long...possibly. I wish I could find a way to stop this pain. You should pat yourself on the back for being strong enough to let him go. I struggle with that every day..even though I know I'll be strong enough to not contact him, it's still a challenge. That anxiety you carry is based on fear. It's so easy to get rid of the anxiety by taking risks, such as making contact, because you just want those feelings to go away. It's harder to endure the anxiety, to not make contact, to hold your head up through all of this. My therapist was talking about that during my last visit. You naturally want to find a way to get him back because it would stop the pain should he come back..even if you know he's not good for you.

 

It's so hard when you have such a strong connection with someone. I feel the same way. I felt that we had such a great bond, but when the bad outweighs the good, when it brings you more hurt than happiness, it's time to let go. Self preservation is so important.

 

I don't know how I feel about Puerto Rico trip. He never took a trip like that with us and the children. We talked a lot about a family trip but he was never motivated to do it. To me, for him to take this trip, it means he really needed a break. I hope he didn't go with her, but I won't know for sure unless someone posts something. He's got to be going through a lot right now. He is no longer going to be raising his children. He expressed to me numerous times how difficult that decision was for him and that he was trying to prepare himself for the transition. I don't think he is thinking about me. I think he feels like he made the best decision for himself. I hope the trip bright him some peace and I hope he was able to think about what he really wants out of life. I wish him and I could be together. I wish there was a way, but that's not being very realistic. Whatever he is going through, I hope he finds peace. ....and I hope he's not with her. Lol.

 

I was just telling my mom how my mind is just not in the right state. I'm emotionally drained. She simply said..you are in control. You can make this stop.

I wish I could and maybe she's right. Maybe we can put this all behind us. I just don't know how. It's not so easy.

[Ksol9]

That is strange that he liked that. Ironic!! Also strange that he would visit the married woman's sister's page, and leave evidence that he did so (liking the post). I've fanned out my searches to look at friends of friends and such, but I would never ever like something on any of their pages because it screams stalker. So that's just kind of weird that he would do that. I guess he was just being clueless and not thinking about how that might appear to anyone.

 

If he was on the trip with the woman, he probably wouldn't be browsing fb and ig. Because where would she be while he's playing on his phone? So I would think more with family or friends or alone. Is it possible that he traveled there for work?

 

I thought the exact same thing about him liking that post. I would never like something on someone's page I wasn't friends with because it looks strange. It meant he searched her specifically. Goes to show how much browsing he is doing. He is on Facebook constantly. It was only on Friday he took a long break and I think that is when he probably left town..flight etc. and I also think by him liking the sisters post, that must mean the married woman is on his mind. Ugh

 

It's also true that he may have gone with family or alone. I don't think he would be online so frequently if he was with her because they would be doing activities and such. There is no possibility that was for work. It was definitely a spur of the moment trip. I really don't know what is going on, but of course I'm thinking the worst.

[lostlove76]

"Lostlove, I was just reading through your posts again and i thought to myself, we both come up with these conclusions that are based on our fears. Look at my situation for example, I swore he was in Tampa with this woman. Instead he is vacationing in Puerto Rico. I don't know with whom and it could be the married woman, but it's most likely that he went alone. He may have gone to clear his head. What I'm trying to say is..we focus on the conclusions we come up with and most times it's centered on worse case scenarios I.e. Other women. It doesn't necessarily mean that is what's happening. I would have never guessed he was in Puerto Rico. You and I think so much alike. It's like our brains function the same. We focus on things that we shouldn't. "

 

I read this far and wanted to stop and comment. I'll read the rest in a second. Something occurred to me earlier, and I was wondering if this was true for you as well. There have been several non-relationship-related circumstances throughout my life in which I've done the exact same thing - taken one tiny little bit of info and blown it up into my worst fear being true. And it all felt very real. One example: When I was in my early 20's, I became convinced I was pregnant and became a crying mess of a person until the nurse at the health clinic told me the results were negative. I had only had sex like a week prior, and took a home pregnancy test that showed up faintly positive. It was too early to even take a home test (I think), but I was completely freaking out. I was SURE I was pregnant, and thinking ahead as to how I was going to tell people and what in the world I was going to do. I totally catastrophized the entire thing, made up entirely from my fears and imagination. (Obviously, I did NOT want to be pregnant, lol). That's one of many many similar examples. It's usually health-related fears or relationship worries (fear of abandonment, usually). Anyways, I just wondered if you think similarly in other areas of your life, occasionally believing worst-case scenario, or if it's just in relationships. Either way, I think it's clear that we both do catastrophize and twist things into a story that may in fact be far from the truth. I think CBT is supposed to help with that. I think it was BEG who mentioned the book The Feeling Good Handbook. When I was in college, I went to their psychology clinic for cheap therapy sessions. The counselors were students who were working under advisors and learning how to counsel or whatever. The one I saw followed Feeling Good exclusively in our sessions - gave me handouts and exercises from the book. And it was helpful. You should see about buying a hard copy so that you can fill out the exercises and such. ETA: And I should pull my own copy off the shelf and do the same!

[Ms Darcy]

It's so common for people to feel the pain of a breakup, to "miss" someone, and then to conclude that the only right path is to return to the relationship to relieve the pain. But returning will only delay the pain, then magnetize it a thousand fold when the inevitable next breakup comes.

 

The relationship is what's hurting you...not the end of the relationship.

 

This is soo true.

[lostlove76]

The ex that you believe he is talking to is on at the same time he is on but I think if they were talking more seriously they would chat through their phones through text messages or voice calls. I don't believe anything serious is going on there at all. If you start to see posts or anything directly referring to him then I would be draw a conclusion. I'm only trying to ease your fears and I know I shouldn't be encouraging you to look, but I am just like you and we both know we will continue to look for clues. I think the post where she shared the song was just in general.

It is actually VERY helpful to me when you do this, and I really appreciate it. It helps put things in perspective. I think you're right that if they were talking more seriously, it would be on the phone. He and I, as I've mentioned several times, would have 5-hour phone calls several times a week. Of course as I say that, I'm thinking "Yeah but, maybe they're also talking on the phone. Maybe they're talking 24/7 and some of it is on facebook and some on the phone." But talking 24/7 isn't realistic; I think BEG said something about that earlier, and it stuck out to me, because at times I've assumed that's what they're doing (not really 24/7, but all throughout the whole day).

 

I really think that our negative thinking is so automatic that we're going to have to challenge each and every thought in order to break that habit. It's just in our nature to think the worst. Even if we have a moment of greater clarity, it quickly enough reverts right back to the negative. From what I remember from years ago, the exercises in the Feeling Good handbook were designed to correct this very thing. You had to identify the thinking distortion (catastrophizing, all-or-nothing thinking, "should" statements), and then challenge the thought by coming up with a reasonable alternative. I just did a quick google, and here's a great pdf of all of this, taken from the book:

 

7 months seems like ages. I can barely get through the second week. I can't even begin to think about 5 months or 7 months. Gives me anxiety to think I will suffer with this for so long...possibly. I wish I could find a way to stop this pain. You should pat yourself on the back for being strong enough to let him go. I struggle with that every day..even though I know I'll be strong enough to not contact him, it's still a challenge. That anxiety you carry is based on fear. It's so easy to get rid of the anxiety by taking risks, such as making contact, because you just want those feelings to go away. It's harder to endure the anxiety, to not make contact, to hold your head up through all of this. My therapist was talking about that during my last visit. You naturally want to find a way to get him back because it would stop the pain should he come back..even if you know he's not good for you.

I won't lie, it was a complete nightmare at first, like what you're going through now. And it's still painful, but it's not quite the nightmare that it was. Along the way, I've accepted that it's over, even if I do still have small bits of hope. You don't have to go through what I've gone through for as long as I have. You're in therapy, which will hopefully direct you towards a more positive path.

 

In the past, with him in the beginning and with a lot of guys who came before him, I was not strong enough to maintain NC. I always over-texted or called too much trying to "fix" things. I really learned a big huge lesson during that first breakup with him, those two months during which he totally ignored all my efforts. Going through that, and then experiencing him coming back on his own when I stopped trying, really cured me of any urges to reach out. As for letting him go (even while wanting him back, I did also accept that he was most likely gone), I had to tell myself over and over again the same things we've talked about here... that if he's choosing to be with a married woman, it says something about his character... that if he isn't willing to make the effort to make things work, there is nothing I can do about it... that if he didn't value what we had, then it's his loss... etc etc etc. I guess that's why I say these same things to you about yours so often. If he comes back, great, you can work on things at that point. But if he doesn't, hopefully you will eventually see that what you're losing isn't as great a loss as you feel that it is. My mind knew that he wasn't good for me, even if my heart hasn't fully accepted that just yet.

 

It's so hard when you have such a strong connection with someone. I feel the same way. I felt that we had such a great bond, but when the bad outweighs the good, when it brings you more hurt than happiness, it's time to let go. Self preservation is so important.

Yes, it is. If being with someone completely tears you apart every few months, is it worth it? You sink into a hole every time this happens; then when you get back together, all the hurt and anxiety and resentment is still there, so you're never completely happy. It affects your health and your work and your sleep and your moods. It's really hard to accept that someone you have such a great connection with could cause you so much pain, but that is the fact of the matter. You start thinking, "if only this" or "if only that" - "if only I had acted differently," or "if only we could try again and both work towards a change." It's the "if onlys" that hang us up and keep us from moving on in peace.

 

I don't know how I feel about Puerto Rico trip. He never took a trip like that with us and the children. We talked a lot about a family trip but he was never motivated to do it. To me, for him to take this trip, it means he really needed a break. I hope he didn't go with her, but I won't know for sure unless someone posts something. He's got to be going through a lot right now. He is no longer going to be raising his children. He expressed to me numerous times how difficult that decision was for him and that he was trying to prepare himself for the transition. I don't think he is thinking about me. I think he feels like he made the best decision for himself. I hope the trip bright him some peace and I hope he was able to think about what he really wants out of life. I wish him and I could be together. I wish there was a way, but that's not being very realistic. Whatever he is going through, I hope he finds peace. ....and I hope he's not with her. Lol.

I am sure that he is thinking about you. He lost you and the children all at once. I'm sure his thoughts are confused. I'm sure he's experiencing some guilt over letting them go, and if his anger has worn off yet, maybe some guilt over letting you go as well. He suddenly lost 3 of the most significant people in his life, and I'm sure he's doing all kinds of thinking right now. It's not possible that you aren't on his mind, just a week and a half later here. We really don't know what his exact thoughts are, but if I were him, I think I might be thinking that I had failed in some way. I couldn't keep my kids, couldn't keep my girlfriend, and now here I am all alone. That's of course just pure speculation, but I think that's what I would be feeling in his situation. Maybe it's good he went to the beach. Maybe the wide open space will really allow him to come to terms with things and decide what he wants. I don't think he's with her. If he was, I think there would be some clue, and there hasn't been as of yet.

 

I was just telling my mom how my mind is just not in the right state. I'm emotionally drained. She simply said..you are in control. You can make this stop.

I wish I could and maybe she's right. Maybe we can put this all behind us. I just don't know how. It's not so easy.

Was your mom saying that you could make it stop by changing your thoughts, or by contacting him? I thought she meant changing your thoughts, until you said "maybe we can put this all behind us." Just curious what she thinks you should do?

[lostlove76]

I thought the exact same thing about him liking that post. I would never like something on someone's page I wasn't friends with because it looks strange. It meant he searched her specifically. Goes to show how much browsing he is doing. He is on Facebook constantly. It was only on Friday he took a long break and I think that is when he probably left town..flight etc. and I also think by him liking the sisters post, that must mean the married woman is on his mind. Ugh

 

It's also true that he may have gone with family or alone. I don't think he would be online so frequently if he was with her because they would be doing activities and such. There is no possibility that was for work. It was definitely a spur of the moment trip. I really don't know what is going on, but of course I'm thinking the worst.

 

I agree that he wouldn't be online so much if he was with her. For sure.

 

Just because he browsed the sister's page doesn't mean that the married woman was on his mind in any special sort of way. I will start feeling bored and lonely, and I'll browse just about everyone's page. I'll start with one person, and then click on someone else's profile who has commented somewhere, because maybe they have a horse in their profile picture and I want to have a better look at it; then I'll get to their page and see something mildly interesting, and just start scrolling and reading until someone else catches my attention for some random and unimportant reason. I've even accidentally liked posts while doing this. Many, many times. Thank goodness it's usually from a fake profile that I don't use for anything other than snooping purposes, because I know how easy it is to accidentally like something and I would rather it not come from my own profile when that happens. I occasionally check the activity log on my fake profile, and sometimes I'll see that I liked a post the night before by accident. I've even accidentally clicked "add friend." (I actually did that one time from my own profile, to an ex of his that I was looking at, and I was mortified!) Point being, though, that 1) people visit other profiles randomly out of boredom, and 2) people accidentally hit the like button - it's very easy to do.

 

I'm sorry that I have such a long-winded way of getting to my points, ugh. That's just how my mind works. I hope it doesn't feel tedious to read it all. I'll try to work on that.

[lostlove76]

As long as you realize that getting back together with him isn't the solution for your pain, but rather the cause of it.

 

It's so common for people to feel the pain of a breakup, to "miss" someone, and then to conclude that the only right path is to return to the relationship to relieve the pain. But returning will only delay the pain, then magnetize it a thousand fold when the inevitable next breakup comes.

 

The relationship is what's hurting you...not the end of the relationship.

 

It's like recovering from surgery. Yes, it takes time and it's painful and you just want it to be over. But the solution isn't to put the gall bladder or the tumor or whatever back into your body or to leave it in there! It needed to go.

 

Give it time and eventually you'll feel much better once you've recovered.

 

And it's OK to feel sad, to grieve. But please continue with therapy, I think it will benefit you immensely.

 

Hey bolt!

 

What you're saying here could be compared to an addiction - an analogy I guess I've used many times, but I'll do it again. You get so addicted to the drug itself that taking it is the only thing that provides any relief, even though it's the very thing that's causing so much torment in your life. To break the addiction, you have to go through all the withdrawals until it's completely out of your system and your mind/body has recalibrated itself to the norm. Sometimes the withdrawals are so intense and unbearable that the only way out seems to be to revert back to the drug; then once you've gone back to it, you have to start the withdrawal process all over again next time you try to quit.

 

It sucks that love is like this. Love should be a positive thing, not something that brings so much pain and torment. I've read a lot about attachment theory, and I really think that those of us with anxious attachment have a MUCH harder time with breakups than any other attachment style. I know you took the test and came out as secure, ksol, but I really think that maybe the results were skewed based on how you were answering the questions (knowing the "correct" answers to choose, or picturing yourself as more secure than you really are). My results came out as fearful-avoidant, which still ranks very high on anxiety. Basically, we get super attached, and therefore have an extremely hard time going through the process of detachment. And it really is just like a drug. We're addicted to them in some way.

 

I guess I just found something to write about because I'm wide awake, and slightly bored and lonely. Which may very well be the reason your guy was browsing married woman's sister's page. I very seriously doubt that it meant anything; it was just something to do, nothing more nothing less. Maybe he was feeling sorry for himself when he liked the post, and feeling like he was the victim.

 

Mine hasn't been on since around 7ish pm, after being on practically all day long. I wasn't checking every minute, so he could have gotten on I guess. But seems he just suddenly went MIA. Luckily, the ex has been on several times since then, so doesn't seem like they were having a marathon phone conversation. Not that it really matters. Whatever he's doing, he's definitely not calling me.

 

Ive heard that you don't break a habit; rather, you replace one thing with someone else. That's probably my problem here; if I had any other prospects here (men), I wouldn't have oneitis like Ms Darcy talked about. It's too soon to say that for you, because the breakup just happened and of course you're going to be upset. But seven months on, for me... I think if I had any small hope or chance of meeting someone else, I wouldn't still be so concerned with what he's doing.

 

I hope you're getting some sleep, ksol. I'll probably be up for another hour or two if you wake up and want to write anything. Otherwise I will chat with you tomorrow. You've just about made it through the long weekend! Tomorrow night things will go back to "normal" as far as work and being in town and all. You didn't think you could make it through, but you did.

[Ksol9]

I am sure that he is thinking about you. He lost you and the children all at once. I'm sure his thoughts are confused. I'm sure he's experiencing some guilt over letting them go, and if his anger has worn off yet, maybe some guilt over letting you go as well. He suddenly lost 3 of the most significant people in his life, and I'm sure he's doing all kinds of thinking right now. It's not possible that you aren't on his mind, just a week and a half later here. We really don't know what his exact thoughts are, but if I were him, I think I might be thinking that I had failed in some way. I couldn't keep my kids, couldn't keep my girlfriend, and now here I am all alone. That's of course just pure speculation, but I think that's what I would be feeling in his situation. Maybe it's good he went to the beach. Maybe the wide open space will really allow him to come to terms with things and decide what he wants. I don't think he's with her. If he was, I think there would be some clue, and there hasn't been as of yet.

 

I spent some good time just thinking about this and I do think what you said is true. His life took a huge turn when his children moved. We spent the last 2 years raising them and he was planning a future to continue raising them. When we split up, he made the decision to let them go back to their mom. Although I do believe it is what's best for them, I'm sure this has taken a toll on him. His children mean the world to him and it is nothing compared to the loss of a girlfriend who he couldn't deal with her nagging anymore. I think he probably feels a huge void..just losing that life we had. I feel that way but I'm sure it is nothing compared to a biological parent. I think he just needed to get away to come to terms with all that is going on in his life right now. I have to believe this all happened for a reason. Just like me, he too needs to find himself in all of this. I tend to think the worst of him and I also expect it. I expected him to run wild now that he is single and childless. I felt so much hatred from him that I expected him to run straight to the married woman, but I have to remember he is human and I would believe he wouldn need some time to process everything. I still believe he is communicating with the married woman and maybe that is why he liked the sister's post. Maybe it was on accident..I don't know. A part of me believes he is just taking this time to himself to be alone. Out of boredom and loneliness, I'm sure he communicates with other women. I noticed he has started following a few other women from his past on Instagram as well. I guess he's mindlessly going through Instagram and Facebook reconnecting with women from his past. If he meets someone renew, he meets someone new, but for right now, I don't think he has started anything serious with the married woman. He may have seen her and has even spent time with her, but it seems from what I have seen, he is alone.

 

I still feel he is moving on with his life without me. He feels deep down inside that our relationship would never work..those are the words he left me with and I believe they weren't said in anger. That is what he feels and he is most likely just trying to come to terms with everything. Maybe soon he will see the married woman and they will begin a relationship. It is probably already in the works. I wish things could turn around, but I'm not being realistic. I would still have all these challenges to face with him. This is something he has to decide for himself..he has to figure out what kind of life he wants to lead.

 

He's on my mind constantly. Everywhere I go, everything I do, I am thinking of him. On two separate occasions this morning, 2 of my uncles came to the office to say hi and they both asked for him. I said he was ok and didn't carry the conversation further. I just don't want to talk about it right now. They'll be shocked to hear how abruptly things ended. I still feel no matter what, he was wrong for ending the relationship in the way he did. I'm still angry with him over that. He treated me like total crap and that is pretty much the driving force behind the reason I won't contact him. Months will go by and I won't reach out to him. I don't think he is even rethinking his decision. It all just feels so final and I'm just broken over that. To see him adding women from his past. He's looking to reconnect with them. Those actions show he isn't thinking about me.

 

I agree that he wouldn't be online so much if he was with her. For sure.

 

Just because he browsed the sister's page doesn't mean that the married woman was on his mind in any special sort of way. I will start feeling bored and lonely, and I'll browse just about everyone's page. I'll start with one person, and then click on someone else's profile who has commented somewhere, because maybe they have a horse in their profile picture and I want to have a better look at it; then I'll get to their page and see something mildly interesting, and just start scrolling and reading until someone else catches my attention for some random and unimportant reason. I've even accidentally liked posts while doing this. Many, many times. Thank goodness it's usually from a fake profile that I don't use for anything other than snooping purposes, because I know how easy it is to accidentally like something and I would rather it not come from my own profile when that happens. I occasionally check the activity log on my fake profile, and sometimes I'll see that I liked a post the night before by accident. I've even accidentally clicked "add friend." (I actually did that one time from my own profile, to an ex of his that I was looking at, and I was mortified!) Point being, though, that 1) people visit other profiles randomly out of boredom, and 2) people accidentally hit the like button - it's very easy to do.

 

I thought this was funny. It made me laugh because I've done the exact same thing. I'm browsing someone's page and I accidentally hit the like button. I've even requested to be a friend on my ex's page. How embarrrasing. Lol..but I do think you are right. He appears to be alone and by his activity, he's just browsing all over the place. He's alone now so he's just doing what single men do.

 

I know he will come home tonight. Things go back to their normal routine and then the weekend again which will be another nightmare for me. I woke up feeling so helpless. Him and I have gone around and around so many times now. I know he is just done with it. I know that there will never be a chance for us to succeed if we both don't change and work. How likely is that to happen? Not very. As much as I would hope that he is rethinking his decision, that he is thinking of and missing me, I guess it's just wishful thinking. Sometimes I feel like such a silly little girl..so naive.