Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Wow, so much has happened since I was last here! I'm sorry for being MIA for a couple of days, Ksol. I had a lot to do and got behind on everything. But I see that you got some very wise advice in my absence I am SO happy for you! I agree that things sound like they're on a really good track. I may have suggested staying NC, so I'm actually really glad I wasn't here to advise - raindrop's advice seems to have been right on target.

 

I've learned a lot from reading your posts, and you've inspired me to try a more direct, honest, compassionate, and mature approach moving forward with my own guy. I need to take the time to do what you did - really think about the negative things I bring into the relationship, and work on changing them. So thank you for that. I'll say again, you're a wonderful writer, and I enjoyed reading your thoughts.

 

Best of luck to you, and please do keep us updated!

 

 

Thank you so much. I learned so much from the experiences of others right here on this forum. I'm so glad you were able to take something from my experience.

 

He has been texting me quite a bit. Last night we had a nice long chat and today throughout the day we've been communicating. It feels so good to have him back in my life. We haven't been talking about any serious matters. Just light conversation and we haven't made plans to see eachother yet. I'm just following his lead and I'm not trying to pressure him. Communication was always a major problem for us and since he came back it seems like things are moving slow, but I feel like we are bonding which I think is good for building a good foundation for communication. The connection is still there and it's very strong. I feel comfortable with the pace we are going and I think he does too. There is no pressure from either end.

 

I think what you mentioned is so important. Honesty, compassion, and being direct. Being honest with him and with yourself about your feelings. Compassion for him and how he feels. Being gentle with eachother. Being direct about your feelings and what you need. No pressure and most importantly what seems to be working well for me right now is space and time. As much as I want to be around him right now, I think it's good that we are just taking things step by step. It's a slow process but it feels great. If I don't hear from him for a while, I start to worry. What if he changed his mind? What if he's worried about something and it's making him contemplate? I feel a little anxious, but I can bet he is feeling the same way. Right now him and I are on the same page and all I want is for him to be comfortable. Right now, less is more. I hope I'm making sense.

 

Heartbreak is such a horrible thing to go through. It really rocks you to your inner core. What I'm really glad about is that I gave him a lot of space and time through NC so he can see what life is like without me. I'm also very glad that I did tons of research within the 2 months that we split. I read books, I read this forum, I studied myself and my relationship endlessly. That way I identified our problems and now I'm equipped with tools to rectify problems we had and I'm prepared for anything else that comes along. I'm sure we will have problems, but I'm breaking my bad habits and I'm trying to establish a better way of handling things. I'm trying to see things from a positive perpspective rather than be negative all the time and anytime I drift off track, I want him to remind me and to help me get back on track. It's like someone pressed the reset button. It's a fresh start and I'm really grateful.

[Ksol9]

Saw him today for the first time since I moved out. I had butterflies like it was our first date. We went to the movies with the children. I felt like all eyes were on me. All 3 were observing me. I felt shy like I had just met him or something. So strange how a little time apart can make you feel like that. The feelings are still there, only stronger. I can see it in the way he looks at me and I can feel it in the way he gave me a hug goodnight. He asked me to come to the house for a little bit but I decided to decline. I told him I would see him again soon. I guess I'm trying to let all my feelings settle. I just wanted to hug him and kiss him, but the children were looking so I didn't want them to feel uncomfortable. Apart of me feels I should just live in the moment and enjoy every minute of it, but I know it's really important that I take things slow, so I'm holding back a little with my affections.

 

Getting back together really is marvelous. It's like someone pressed the reset button. I'm so happy, beyond words, to have him back in my life.

[mustlovedogs]

Aww I'm glad your first meetup was so great!! Yay, that sounds amazing congrats!

 

Did either of you date anyone during the breakup?

[Raindrop22]

This made me smile. Thank you for sharing! It's been a difficult day for me but reading your positive story was well worth it.

 

That's good that you're taking it slow and being patient. I can only imagine what you must be feeling.

[Ksol9]

I didn't date during the break. I want very focused on my self study and healing. As for him, I have not asked him, but I'm pretty sure he didn't.

[Ksol9]

This made me smile. Thank you for sharing! It's been a difficult day for me but reading your positive story was well worth it.

 

That's good that you're taking it slow and being patient. I can only imagine what you must be feeling.

 

 

I'm sorry that you're feeling down. Chin up and stay strong.

 

I was thinking about how he went to give me a kiss on the cheek as I was leaving. He kissed me on my cheek and gave me a hug. I didn't reciprocate. I was caught off guard. He hugged me so tightly. I've been thinking about why I reacted that way. I feel very guarded. When he got home, he sent a text saying I looked beautiful and thanked me for spending time with them. He then went on to jokingly say that it was awkward that I didn't hug him back, but it's cool. I responded telling him I didn't want him to let me go.

 

I think I'm guarded because I probably don't want to get hurt again. I know everything takes time and this was my first time seeing him. I'm still letting everything soak in so I hope I didn't make him feel bad. I will tell him how I feel next time we speak. I want him to validate my feelings and give me a little reassurance. That way he will understand how I feel. I consider this to be a very grey area in our relationship. We aren't in a bad place. It feels like when we first met. We're developing a new relationship and time is playing an important role. I'm not smothering him and vice versus.

 

I hope you feel better soon raindrop22

[lostlove76]

I think taking it slow and easy is the right way to go. You do have to guard yourself, nothing wrong with that. I think telling him that you didn't want him to let you go probably made him feel better, if he felt bad at all. And like you said, you can tell him how you feel next time. When people first begin to date, there are all kinds of uncertainties (does he/she like me? what did it mean when they did that? do they feel the same way I feel?), and it creates excitement and butterflies. So maybe it's not a bad thing if he has to wonder a little bit.

 

So so happy for you

[Ksol9]

I think taking it slow and easy is the right way to go. You do have to guard yourself, nothing wrong with that. I think telling him that you didn't want him to let you go probably made him feel better, if he felt bad at all. And like you said, you can tell him how you feel next time. When people first begin to date, there are all kinds of uncertainties (does he/she like me? what did it mean when they did that? do they feel the same way I feel?), and it creates excitement and butterflies. So maybe it's not a bad thing if he has to wonder a little bit.

 

So so happy for you

 

 

Hi lostlove76, you always seem to put things into perspective for me. Thank god for this forum.

 

I didn't think about it like that. You are totally right, it's like a brand new relationship. The uncertainties, the butterflies. I should embrace it. The closeness will come again..in time. We haven't spoken much today. We had a some light chit chat this morning. Just giving it a lot of space and time. Sometimes I worry that we have not had a lot of in depth conversations about change and the future, but I know it will come. That is just me overthinking and over worrying. Those things were the biggest cause for the failure of our relationship. One step at a time.

 

Hope you are well lostlove76 and thanks again!

[lostlove76]

Hi lostlove76, you always seem to put things into perspective for me. Thank god for this forum.

 

I didn't think about it like that. You are totally right, it's like a brand new relationship. The uncertainties, the butterflies. I should embrace it. The closeness will come again..in time. We haven't spoken much today. We had a some light chit chat this morning. Just giving it a lot of space and time. Sometimes I worry that we have not had a lot of in depth conversations about change and the future, but I know it will come. That is just me overthinking and over worrying. Those things were the biggest cause for the failure of our relationship. One step at a time.

 

Hope you are well lostlove76 and thanks again!

 

Aw, you're welcome I'm doing pretty well, thanks.

 

You're doing exactly what I always do, with the worrying and overthinking. I do it constantly, whether things are good or off with my guy. Sometimes I'm somewhat aware that I'm doing it, and on some level I know why, and yet I can't seem to stop. We get so caught up in the worrisome what-if's, and it can be a downward spiral if we let it. I think you wish you could rush the outcome, so that you know things are going to be okay. But you know that doing so could backfire, so you're holding back and letting things take a natural pace - which is the most effective way to proceed, I believe. I agree with one step at a time. You're doing great! When you have the worrisome thoughts, it might help to just remind yourself where it's coming from. It's just fear of the unknown. Not sure if that helps any, but wanted to comment on it since I can relate so much!

[Ksol9]

Aw, you're welcome I'm doing pretty well, thanks.

 

You're doing exactly what I always do, with the worrying and overthinking. I do it constantly, whether things are good or off with my guy. Sometimes I'm somewhat aware that I'm doing it, and on some level I know why, and yet I can't seem to stop. We get so caught up in the worrisome what-if's, and it can be a downward spiral if we let it. I think you wish you could rush the outcome, so that you know things are going to be okay. But you know that doing so could backfire, so you're holding back and letting things take a natural pace - which is the most effective way to proceed, I believe. I agree with one step at a time. You're doing great! When you have the worrisome thoughts, it might help to just remind yourself where it's coming from. It's just fear of the unknown. Not sure if that helps any, but wanted to comment on it since I can relate so much!

 

 

Yes, the over worrying and overthinking is something I realized created alot of problems in my relationship. It created a lot of negative thinking, negative attitude, which resulted in negative behavior. That is something I have consistently been working. So I'm really trying to block those things out right now. I think you are correct, I am kind of wishing we could skip all of this pre-dating stuff, so I can be back with him in a solid, close relationship, but I know too well that kind of relationship doesn't just get handed to me. We have to grow. This is definitely an effective way of making sure things progress naturally and comfortably. Taking things slow is definitely the right thing to do....it's safe. With all this time on my hands, I am able to think things through, which is very good. Only problem is, I worry he may rethink his decision.

 

"It's just fear of the unknown." I will keep that in mind. Thank you for that.

 

 

Have you been able to retrain your mind to think more positively? We must always remind ourselves to believe in love. We are deserving of love.

[lostlove76]

Yes, the over worrying and overthinking is something I realized created alot of problems in my relationship. It created a lot of negative thinking, negative attitude, which resulted in negative behavior. That is something I have consistently been working. So I'm really trying to block those things out right now. I think you are correct, I am kind of wishing we could skip all of this pre-dating stuff, so I can be back with him in a solid, close relationship, but I know too well that kind of relationship doesn't just get handed to me. We have to grow. This is definitely an effective way of making sure things progress naturally and comfortably. Taking things slow is definitely the right thing to do....it's safe. With all this time on my hands, I am able to think things through, which is very good. Only problem is, I worry he may rethink his decision.

 

"It's just fear of the unknown." I will keep that in mind. Thank you for that.

 

 

Have you been able to retrain your mind to think more positively? We must always remind ourselves to believe in love. We are deserving of love.

"Have you been able to retrain your mind to think more positively?"

 

Not yet. During my time here at ENA, and chatting with you here on your thread, I've come to realize the huge importance of this. I have ideas floating around in my head, from things I've read and been told and come up with on my own, but I haven't taken the time to sit down and come up with a plan. I think it's going to take a conscious, continual effort, because it's such an ingrained habit for us to worry and think negatively.

 

Someone on this thread left a great comment on page 3:

 

(X) mentioned Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You can search for it on Google, and learn how to control your thoughts. It is surprisingly easy to do, and highly effective. If you are very motivated, as you mention you are (X), then you will probably be pretty successful with CBT, because you don't want to lose your girlfriend.

 

You are blessed to have someone you love enough who really motivates you to grow! I like your attitude of wanting to improve yourself!!! (All three of you, actually!)

 

Research CBT, and when you feel you have made some progress with it, then go look up Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which uses CBT and other approaches, all at the same time. These two therapies are HIGHLY EFFECTIVE!!!

 

I hope it's okay to paste this here. I replaced screennames with (X). It seems like a good suggestion, and something I plan on looking into, so thought I would share it with you as well.

 

We'll get there! At least we're fully aware of our destructive patterns, and we want to change them. That's the first step!

[Ksol9]

Thank you lastlove76 for that information.

 

I have been diligently working on changing my frame of mind not only in regards to my relationship, but in all other aspects of my life in general. As you said, this is an ingrained habit. I learned this from my upbringing. I am an imprint of my mother who is a life long worrier. This is life long work to change, but it is very attainable. I think it is a matter of breaking this bad habit.

 

When I notice my mind drifting off on to bad thoughts like maybe he's not really in love with me, maybe he is just taking me for a ride, maybe I'm delusional...any time doubts that start to enter my mind, I quickly remind myself to be positive. I stop the thought dead in its tracks and I start to think of something else. I remind myself that have no basis or evidence to say those are logical thoughts. Life is so short and too precious to spend it worrying about the unknown. I remind myself to have faith in love and in him...in our future. I have a few set backs here and there still, but those negative thoughts don't consume my days like they used to. I don't feel like I'm worrying all day, so I know I am improving. It takes quite a bit of motivation and dedication because you are up against your own mind. I'm a work in progress and my bf is my motivation.

 

 

I'll take any help I can get. Thank you for the resources.

[lostlove76]

It sounds like you're on the right track, and ready to do the hard work. I fell into worry mode yesterday over something very minor with my guy, and when he called last night, I was in a mood over it for the first hour of talking to him. As soon as he called and I heard his voice, I knew I had misinterpreted the thing I was so upset about. And yet it still took me an hour to break out of the mood. The mind is a powerful thing - I had spent all day convincing myself that he doesn't love me as much as he says, and by the time he called, I thought he was calling to break up with me. Meanwhile, he had no clue anything was even "wrong" (and nothing was wrong, except for what I had conjured up in my head).

 

I forget if I've mentioned this here, but one thing I've found to be helpful is literally talking myself out of the negative belief. I use the notes section on my phone, and just type out long entries in which I remind myself of the things he's done and said that prove he does love me. And I'll think back on times when I was similarly worried, and remember that things were just fine at the time, despite whatever negative story I had created in my mind. You may already do this, but wanted to share. It sounds like you've got it under control though or you're, at least, on your way

[Raindrop22]

I saw that you posted in the "Getting back together really does happen" thread! I was excited to see it.

 

I'm glad you chronicled your experience because it truly helps others to see that they aren't alone. That many people go through the motions simile to yours.

 

I hope you continue to update.

Love always find its way

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone,

 

Just wanted to give an update. We are doing really well. We've been spending good quality time together. We have also been communicating about our relationship. This was something I was concerned about, but naturally we have a stronger bond now, so it is easier to talk to eachother. We have a better love life, we are better friends, everything feels right. We are on the right track.

 

I have been reading a lot lately. A good book to read is Getting Back Together by Bettie Youngs.

I'm still trying to take things slow although he seems to want me to move back in. I'm not trying to go that route. I'm still doing a lot of work on myself and my negative thinking. So far so good. I'm at a good place in my life right now. Everything feels right. I'm truly happy and our break up did a lot of good things for the both of us. We spoke more in detail about our time apart. We both did not date anyone nor did we sleep with anyone else. Time apart was used very wisely on both sides. He wanted to see what life would be like without me. He wanted to take care of the children and all the responsibilities that comes with that on his own. He needed time away from me to figure out if he wanted to further commit. He feels that we have a future together and we are working towards that. I also needed time away from him to really figure out what I wanted out of life. I realized there are a lot of things that I needed to work on within myself. Most importantly, I think we both needed this time apart to truly appreciate eachother. He has been saying to me that I complete him and I really feel that we both complete eachother. I'm at ease with him and the bond we have is unexplainable. We understand eachother.

 

I hope that we continue down this path. My hope is that our love continues to grow. I learned so much through this experience. I learned how to love someone on a whole new level. It makes my other relationships prior to him seem like child's play. Lol.

 

I hope everyone is doing well. This site offered me so much support in a time I had no hope.

 

Thank you!

[lostlove76]

Hi Ksol. I'm so happy for you!! A friend of mine says that sometimes you have to fall apart to come together stronger, and it sounds like that's what you two have done. I think you guys have a great chance at a successful future together. Yay!! I'm glad to hear that you're getting a handle on your negative thinking. I'm still having issues with that myself, and I'm afraid it's going to drive my guy away. In the past few days, I've found that replacing the negative thoughts with positive ones is very helpful... although it's not a cure-all, and it will take a lot of practice. I hope you'll continue to update, and I wish you the very best

[Ksol9]

Wish I wasn't comin back here to give this sort of update.

 

We were completely in love..or so

I thought.

 

 

They say God works in mysterious ways...

 

Bf used my laptop a few days ago. Somehow, his gmail account was still logged in when I used it last night. I went through his emails. Early July he went out of town for work. I was at home with his children. Taking care of his children.

He sent a woman, who he was involved with before he met me 1.5 years ago, an email stating...I'm staying at the Marriott in Tampa for the night, wyd?? She replied asking him to text her. They exchanged numbers and the emails stopped, obviously because they were now texting. I can only imagine what happened after that.

 

I didn't want to talk to him about it. He knew something was wrong. He kept prying. Inconsolable and in tears, I told him I knew everything about that night. I read the emails. His attitude immediately switched..you don't know sh*t, you don't have proof, you're a liar! I remained silent. I knew what I was going to do. I was going to pack my things and move out. Before we went to sleep, he knew he was caught, he was a coward...he says...I can't live like this, you need to pack your things. Again I was silent, nothing mattered. I was leaving.

 

And that is what I did. I packed everything Tuesday morning. I left without crossing his path. He was at work. I'm broken and in pieces. I love him so much, but I know I have to have some self worth. He was careless with our love. We had broken up for 2 months in February. Now here were are in pieces again...like its February again. The first breakup was not over infidelity. Just different life goals. We missed eachother terribly and promised eachother a better future. We were madly in love or so I thought. He watched me cry in pain. He doesn't care. I know I don't need an explanation. Any excuse or reason is not acceptable, but I guess I just want honesty. Strange how we were living together and inseparable..on the phone when apart and right now, we are not speaking.

 

On Wednesday, I sent him an email putting him in his place. I attached screenshots of the emails between him and the woman. He responded giving me really lame excuses. Simple hello..nothing wrong with that..I didn't sleep with her..I've never cheated on you..why are you invading my privacy...total bs. I responded again telling him I he had put me through enough. I put him in his place again about everything and that was that. He never responded. He knows he got caught so he doesn't have anything to say for himself. He doesn't care.

 

The truth is...I may never know what happened that night. We were in an argument that day, but that gives him no right to contact another woman while he was out of town. In my mind he cheated. In my mind, who knows if he has been doing this all along. I'm in pieces. This is going to be a long road...

[lostlove76]

Oh ksol, I'm so so very sorry to hear this I'm proud of you for being strong and not putting up with any BS though. What are you going to do if he comes crawling back? It's okay if you don't want to think about that right now. I know it's small consolation during a time like this, but at least you know in your heart that you gave it another try, so hopefully that will help in moving forward with peace.

[Ksol9]

Oh ksol, I'm so so very sorry to hear this I'm proud of you for being strong and not putting up with any BS though. What are you going to do if he comes crawling back? It's okay if you don't want to think about that right now. I know it's small consolation during a time like this, but at least you know in your heart that you gave it another try, so hopefully that will help in moving forward with peace.

 

Hi lostlove76...in need of a lot of support right now. I feel very betrayed and I'm even more hurt that his response were very poor excuses. Oh I just said hi what is the big deal?? Why are you looking through my emails, who is the dishonest one huh?? I've never cheated on you...

 

I was in shock and I still am to a certain extent. The emails show that she didn't have his phone number and he didn't have hers, but contacting her in the first place was wrong and that alone tells me he is capable of cheating. The intention was there. I may never know what really happened that night especially when he hasn't spoken to me since I confronted him. He is not remorseful nor is he going to be honest. I am under the impression that he wanted me at home and he would carry on casual sexual relationships on the side with random women. That is the impression I'm under. I don't believe he will be contacting me again. He knows I will not believe a word he says and furthermore, I don't believe he is willing to be honest. I confronted him on Wednesday and since then, he never contacted me. I was very angry and I told him he had put me through enough and that I have nothing more to say to him. I knew after sending the screenshots and saying what I had to say to him, he would take off and have nothing more to say. He doesn't care one bit and I'd be surprised if he came back to try to save our relationship.

 

If he was to return with honesty, I would require counseling and transparency. I would require him to change his phone number and to give me access to his phone. It sounds like an invasion of privacy, but I need this in order to feel safe enough to continue a relationship with him. I also would not move back in until we were able to build some sort of foundation of trust. I know him well, he knows he messed up and he won't approach me with any explanations. He will leave this as it is. I am trying to move on with my life and I have no hope that we will reconcile after this. He has offered me nothing but instability. We went through a 2 month breakup. I asked him why he would even bring me back into the relationship if he had no intentions of being faithful. He took me for granted and he didn't believe I would leave him. Everything is said and done. I am just to pick up the pieces once again.

 

I still love him, but there is no trust there. It is completely gone. How could I ever believe anything that comes out of his mouth? im just really confused. I don't know what to expect. All I know is that I've done my part..what was right for me. I packed my things and left, I confronted him, and we are no longer on speaking terms.

[lostlove76]

You have support right here. Keep coming here to vent, as much as you need! It helps to get all the feelings out.

 

For what it's worth: When my ex (the same guy I was talking about here last time; we're done for good now) was being shady and getting on dating sites, I did a lot of googling trying to find answers as to why someone who claims to love you would do that. And I found many many instances where a guy was writing to say that his girlfriend/ex caught him on a site, and that he got on when they were fighting. I also found many instances of women writing to say that they found their boyfriend/ex on online dating sites during a period of fighting. So maybe this is something men do because they can't handle conflict - they turn outside the relationship in order to distract from their feelings and fill a void, get an ego boost, whatever. I know yours wasn't on a dating site, but reached out to someone during a fight. So maybe that's one theory why he did it - to avoid his feelings during a time of conflict.

 

HOWEVER, having said that, I'm by no means making light of it. It was inappropriate, and of course it makes you wonder what else happened beyond the email. It's incredibly immature to run to someone else instead of dealing with one's feelings. And whether there is the intention to cheat or not, it certainly opens up the opportunity. So you absolutely have every right to be hurt and angry and confused. Especially since he handled it defensively, and hasn't attempted to make amends. He knows he got caught, so he threw his hands up and said "oh well." And of course, turning it back on you for invading his privacy is just a way to deflect.

[Ksol9]

You have support right here. Keep coming here to vent, as much as you need! It helps to get all the feelings out.

 

For what it's worth: When my ex (the same guy I was talking about here last time; we're done for good now) was being shady and getting on dating sites, I did a lot of googling trying to find answers as to why someone who claims to love you would do that. And I found many many instances where a guy was writing to say that his girlfriend/ex caught him on a site, and that he got on when they were fighting. I also found many instances of women writing to say that they found their boyfriend/ex on online dating sites during a period of fighting. So maybe this is something men do because they can't handle conflict - they turn outside the relationship in order to distract from their feelings and fill a void, get an ego boost, whatever. I know yours wasn't on a dating site, but reached out to someone during a fight. So maybe that's one theory why he did it - to avoid his feelings during a time of conflict.

 

HOWEVER, having said that, I'm by no means making light of it. It was inappropriate, and of course it makes you wonder what else happened beyond the email. It's incredibly immature to run to someone else instead of dealing with one's feelings. And whether there is the intention to cheat or not, it certainly opens up the opportunity. So you absolutely have every right to be hurt and angry and confused. Especially since he handled it defensively, and hasn't attempted to make amends. He knows he got caught, so he threw his hands up and said "oh well." And of course, turning it back on you for invading his privacy is just a way to deflect.

 

 

Yes you said it correctly..he knows he got caught. You understand completely. Everything is a mess and is in shreds. There is no reason for me to stay after something like that. I had to leave. I had to save my dignity and self respect. It just says a lot for how much I mean to him. He let me walk out the door and he is letting the relationship go. I am taking that as a sign that he had no intentions of being faithful or commiting now or ever. In reconciling the first time, he may have just been lonely and needed me back to help care for his children. I did make his life much easier. I just see the whole thing as a complete sham. A total loss. I love him and id be willing to listen if he was being honest, but he's in capable. He knew I wasn't having that, so he walked away. And yes, very immature to run to another woman when dealing with conflict. whatever the reason, you should never hurt someone you love. This is the greatest pain. I can't make sense of this...he was so loving and affectionate. We were together all the time and when apart we were on the phone. My best friend was actually my enemy.

 

And I'm sorry to hear about you and your guy. Relationships are so hard in this day and age. I feel like it very hard to find someone who values relationships and monogamy.

[lostlove76]

Yes you said it correctly..he knows he got caught. You understand completely. Everything is a mess and is in shreds. There is no reason for me to stay after something like that. I had to leave. I had to save my dignity and self respect. It just says a lot for how much I mean to him. He let me walk out the door and he is letting the relationship go. I am taking that as a sign that he had no intentions of being faithful or commiting now or ever. In reconciling the first time, he may have just been lonely and needed me back to help care for his children. I did make his life much easier. I just see the whole thing as a complete sham. A total loss. I love him and id be willing to listen if he was being honest, but he's in capable. He knew I wasn't having that, so he walked away. And yes, very immature to run to another woman when dealing with conflict. whatever the reason, you should never hurt someone you love. This is the greatest pain. I can't make sense of this...he was so loving and affectionate. We were together all the time and when apart we were on the phone. My best friend was actually my enemy.

 

And I'm sorry to hear about you and your guy. Relationships are so hard in this day and age. I feel like it very hard to find someone who values relationships and monogamy.

 

I really do feel for you and thank you for your words about me and my guy. It's been two months since we last talked -- and like you, I feel like he must not have cared at all, and that what we had meant absolutely nothing to him. I feel exactly like you're feeling.

 

But I guess what we have to remember is that we can't really know what they're thinking or feeling. We assume the worst, but that doesn't mean that your guy is not upset and feeling stupid and wondering why he was such a f'ing idiot to ruin such a good thing. His ego probably won't allow him to reach out for a while. But he knows what he did, and he will be feeling it. I really don't think he was using you to care for his children, or that he came back because he was lonely. I believe he cared for you very much, but he's immature and he has issues and doesn't know how to deal with conflict. He may also be a bit of a commitment-phobe; they always find a way to screw up a good thing.

 

Ugh, I know how much it hurts!!! The pain will be intense for a while, so do whatever you need to do just to get through it. I'm still hurt and feeling down two months out, but it's not the intense pain that it was before. It does get better. Keep your head up and feel proud that you stood up for yourself and didn't stick around for any BS. He'll respect you for that, and believe me, he knows what he lost.

[lostlove76]

Relationships are so hard in this day and age. I feel like it very hard to find someone who values relationships and monogamy.

 

Also meant to say that I agree with this Men seem to take monogomy very lightly these days. I think part of the reason is because the internet has opened up endless opportunities to cheat and feel a sense of GIGS (grass is greener syndrome), because communicating with other women is all just a click away. It's very depressing.

[Ksol9]

I am thinking the worst. I have so much more experience now. You may very well be right in that he understands what he has done. He may know what he lost, but I do feel he feels the relationship is not going to work after this. We have no future. I don't know details, but I don't think I need to know. He was sitting in a hotel room emailing another woman. Why? Because we had conflict within the relationship? So he make things worse? I cant deal with this kind of instability. He has issues within himself that will only make him continue to do these things. This is going to continue. He put me at risk for diseases..AIDS. the hardest thing I had to do was leave him and the children again. He doesn't love me. His actions show. He put me through so much throughout the entire relationship. In retrospect, it has always been unstable. We can't make it right. I'm sure of this. We tried. It's not in us. He doesn't have that kind of effort in him. He did me wrong and it was easier for him to walk away rather than be honest. I needed that so desperately. Honesty. Even though I behaved as though I didn't want anything to do with him, he should have been the righteous man he says he is. He wasn't. He let me go.

 

I don't know how he could do this to me...the children? He destroyed us. Things will never be the same. My parents know. How can they ever look him in the face again? Everything is just a mess. I'm trying to piece my life together. I don't even know where to start. Time heals I know. It will take some time.

[PumpkinHead]

If there wasn't anything wrong with him contacting his Ex, then he would have told you about it. Lots of people have an Ex they are friends with, but if there wasn't anything going on, then you'd hear about them, like you would any other friend.

 

In my experience, when someone is up to no good, when you confront them, they will never give up their lie and hold onto it if there is any way they can talk their way out of it. They can look you right in the face and lie as if they believe the lie.