Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[lostlove76]

But if he's getting on Facebook, he's probably not with her, wouldn't you think? I wouldn't think so, unless she's boring him to death. He could be doing the same thing you're doing - at a friend's, getting on to see if you're on. There's no way to know for sure. But this is just as possible as him being with her. He could even be in a motel room all by himself, just to get away from the empty space of the apartment for the weekend.

[Ksol9]

But if he's getting on Facebook, he's probably not with her, wouldn't you think? I wouldn't think so, unless she's boring him to death. He could be doing the same thing you're doing - at a friend's, getting on to see if you're on. There's no way to know for sure. But this is just as possible as him being with her. He could even be in a motel room all by himself, just to get away from the empty space of the apartment for the weekend.

 

If he's on Facebook, he's probably not with her all day. He has a couple close friends that I'm sure he's spending the majority of his time with, but he will most likely meet her at night. For example, yesterday he was not on from 6pm until 4:30 am. You can imagine what I was thinking..that she spent the night with him. She may be spending the night with him again. Who knows. I just have it in my mind that he is seeing her again. He could very well be just needing to get out of town. I really don't know. Regardless, I think hearing that he is out of town just made me realize that there is a possibility he is with her and that he is moving on with his life. I didn't think that the purpose of him getting out of town is the same purpose I go out of town. i think I'm just programmed to think the worst of him.

 

I still feel horrible but I am glad I am in a fresh new environment with some friends. Im going to have to swallow that there is no hope to hear from him anytime soon if at all. I still hoped that this might have been a temporary split, but I'm quickly realizing that isn't so. I've got a lot of work ahead of me. Hope you're ok. I'll check back later to see if you're on.

[lostlove76]

If he's on Facebook, he's probably not with her all day. He has a couple close friends that I'm sure he's spending the majority of his time with, but he will most likely meet her at night. For example, yesterday he was not on from 6pm until 4:30 am. You can imagine what I was thinking..that she spent the night with him. She may be spending the night with him again. Who knows. I just have it in my mind that he is seeing her again. He could very well be just needing to get out of town. I really don't know. Regardless, I think hearing that he is out of town just made me realize that there is a possibility he is with her and that he is moving on with his life. I didn't think that the purpose of him getting out of town is the same purpose I go out of town. i think I'm just programmed to think the worst of him.

 

I still feel horrible but I am glad I am in a fresh new environment with some friends. Im going to have to swallow that there is no hope to hear from him anytime soon if at all. I still hoped that this might have been a temporary split, but I'm quickly realizing that isn't so. I've got a lot of work ahead of me. Hope you're ok. I'll check back later to see if you're on.

 

Do try to enjoy the different scenery, if at all possible. I'm glad you're not sitting home right now.

 

I would have to agree that it's best to try to consider things to be done with, rather than waiting and waiting to hear from him. That's really what has delayed my own healing. I couldn't help feeling that way, due to how things had gone previously, and the fact that I just really really wanted it. But I see you having moments of strength and acceptance in which you tell yourself that it's over, and I think that's probably going to be the most healthy way to look at this. It won't be easy, but we can't expect for it to be. Just get through the weekend and then see how you feel.

 

In regards to whether or not he's with her... you're assuming that he is, so your suffering is going to be the same either way. Maybe it's better if you don't ever find out if he is/was or isn't/wasn't. Knowing that mine was with his married woman just killed me. I'm now sitting here thinking that it might be better if I don't know from here on out who he's with. Not saying that I'm going to quit looking, or quit wondering, or quit feeling upset about it. But I do think I'll be better off if I don't find out who and when he's with someone, whether it's this ex of his or someone else. Same for you. If you find out for sure that he's been with her, those images are going to be in your head, of them together. If you could reach some level of acceptance of the fact "he may be or he may not be, and there's no way to know or control it," I really think you'll be better off both now and in the long run.

[Ms Darcy]

I do just want to say, again, in my defense, that this is how introverts are. It's not right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. It just is what it is. It has its own set of problems, just like someone who is extremely extroverted has their own potential set of problems. But I can't change who I am. So I guess I'm just doomed to always suffer oneitis when I find someone I like or love, because it's a rare thing for me.

 

I just want to clarify one point. I think you are conflating "introverted" with "isolated." I'm actually a certified practitioner in the MBTI (which includes introversion and extroversion.) Introversion is about where you get your energy. Introverts tends to recharge through solitary activities (reading, yoga, etc etc etc.) I'm very introverted myself. But I'm not socially isolated.

 

There's a broad spectrum of introverts out there as well. But introverts go out, go to work, make friends, have satisfying relationships all the time - on their own terms. It's not about going to bars nightly or anything like that. It's about finding ways to establish and/or maintain meaningful, long-term friendships with people.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree; I do think that most of us, at some point, come to the realization that our patterns aren't healthy, and a lot of us do work to change those patterns.

 

Please don't cancel your therapy appointment. I think only a therapist can help with your obsessive, circular thinking.

 

I have OCD with intrusive thoughts, and what I do is tell myself "OK, that is an intrusive, obsessive thought. It is not based in reality." It's a form of CBT.

 

Perhaps your therapist can help with CBT or other exercises.

 

I agree with these two posts. Negative and unhealthy thinking patterns? Check. Therapist? Check. Perhaps your therapist can help you with some strategies to deal with those intrusive thoughts. CBT is incredibly helpful.

[lostlove76]

I just want to clarify one point. I think you are conflating "introverted" with "isolated." I'm actually a certified practitioner in the MBTI (which includes introversion and extroversion.) Introversion is about where you get your energy. Introverts tends to recharge through solitary activities (reading, yoga, etc etc etc.) I'm very introverted myself. But I'm not socially isolated.

 

There's a broad spectrum of introverts out there as well. But introverts go out, go to work, make friends, have satisfying relationships all the time - on their own terms. It's not about going to bars nightly or anything like that. It's about finding ways to establish and/or maintain meaningful, long-term friendships with people.

 

I know. I mean, thank you for the explanation, and I'm certainly always open to learning. It's just that I'm on the extreme end of the spectrum, and I need a ton of alone time to recharge. I get stressed and drained by people very easily, to the point where I'd rather just not even deal with it. I do live with my parents, and I'm around them constantly (although usually kind of off to myself in another room). I can relax and be myself around them, so it's not as draining. But I can only handle other people in small doses, and if it's too large a dose, I retreat for a long time. Today, a family member was here at the house for a good part of the day; and while he's sweet and awesome, it just makes me feel agitated after a while because I need my space. This is how it's always been with everyone, and why I keep friends at arm's length. They want more than I can handle giving, which feels like pressure, and I grow irritable and annoyed.

 

The great thing about my ex guy was that I NEVER felt drained around him. I enjoyed every moment of it, and I always felt completely comfortable. I've never felt that at ease with anyone. We just connected in some sort of way, and being around him filled me with happiness. Which is rare for me.

 

So, I do understand what you're saying, I really do. I'm just further explaining how extreme my introversion actually is.

[lostlove76]

I agree with these two posts. Negative and unhealthy thinking patterns? Check. Therapist? Check. Perhaps your therapist can help you with some strategies to deal with those intrusive thoughts. CBT is incredibly helpful.

 

I wanted to add to this and say that Zoloft really helped me with my intrusive and negative thoughts when I was taking it. (I'm sure you're all thinking, well why don't you start taking it again then? I know, I know). That might be an option for ksol, along with therapy, if this stretches into a months-long thing like mine has. I'm not really one to talk, since I can't follow my own (or anyone else's) advice, but just wanted to throw that out there as an option.

[Ksol9]

Do try to enjoy the different scenery, if at all possible. I'm glad you're not sitting home right now.

 

I would have to agree that it's best to try to consider things to be done with, rather than waiting and waiting to hear from him. That's really what has delayed my own healing. I couldn't help feeling that way, due to how things had gone previously, and the fact that I just really really wanted it. But I see you having moments of strength and acceptance in which you tell yourself that it's over, and I think that's probably going to be the most healthy way to look at this. It won't be easy, but we can't expect for it to be. Just get through the weekend and then see how you feel.

 

In regards to whether or not he's with her... you're assuming that he is, so your suffering is going to be the same either way. Maybe it's better if you don't ever find out if he is/was or isn't/wasn't. Knowing that mine was with his married woman just killed me. I'm now sitting here thinking that it might be better if I don't know from here on out who he's with. Not saying that I'm going to quit looking, or quit wondering, or quit feeling upset about it. But I do think I'll be better off if I don't find out who and when he's with someone, whether it's this ex of his or someone else. Same for you. If you find out for sure that he's been with her, those images are going to be in your head, of them together. If you could reach some level of acceptance of the fact "he may be or he may not be, and there's no way to know or control it," I really think you'll be better off both now and in the long run.

 

Thank you lostlove.

 

I still feel like I'd rather know. I spent the day in misery, but now that some time has passed and I've sat with this in my mind that he may indeed have spent some time with her and is actively moving on. This all comes down to what he really wants. The type of life he will happy leading. I would never want him just to have him. I want him becaus he wants to be with me. Otherwise it wouldn't bring either of us happiness That is the only way I would want it. I have spent time away from him. I've gone out of town numerous times when we separated before. I've had the opportunity to date. I was just so centered on him that I didn't want anything or anyone else. He has never had that opportunity and now he will. I have to let him go and in my mind I can't wait. I have a lot of work to do on myself and I need to focus on that.

 

Today really was an eye opener. I am emotionally unstable and I don't ever want to be in this position ever again. I am hard on myself for a reason. I should never allow another human being have this type of control over my happiness. I need to get to a place of stability and strength so I can start thinking about my future and what I want to accomplish. I still have so much more I want to accomplish in my life and right now, I am stagnant because of this problem. It is not making sense to me anymore and when something no longer makes sense, you have to leave it behind. I want to enjoy my life and I want to spend it with a good person by my side. Someone who is loyal, someone I have a soecial connection with. He knows I will settle for no less. This married woman will settle for his nonsense. She won't hold him accountable like I will so maybe she is better for him than I am. You don't know how hard that is for me to say that. I know what qualities I have. I know there is someone out there who will appreciate me. I have to find that self respect that I know I have for myself. It is unfortunate how things happened with us. I wanted so badly for it to work...I still do, but it is so important that I face reality. God knows if he walked back in my life today with determination and purpose, I'd hop on board, but that is not likely. I feel very certain that I won't hear from him for a long time..in fact, I may never hear from him. And if I do, I would hope this married woman situation is out of his system as he would have now had a chance to explore that on his own. If that is what he wants, she can have him. She might spend as long as I did hoping he will make an honest woman out of her. Anyhow those things shouldn't be of my concern and in time I'll work toward making sure they no longer are a concern. I think thinking about it helps me to make sense of it.

 

I'm pretty sure I will go back and forth with this. Being away from home helped me quite a bit. Seeing my friends and their journey in life, just the extra input and advice was helpful overall. I was able to get my mind off of it momentarily although I still looked at Facebook. I'm hoping i have built enough strength and energy to get through the week. Then I'll head out of time again to regenerate. That is my short term plan. I have to come to terms with the fact that he is not good for me. He serves no purpose in my life anymore.

[Ksol9]

I agree with these two posts. Negative and unhealthy thinking patterns? Check. Therapist? Check. Perhaps your therapist can help you with some strategies to deal with those intrusive thoughts. CBT is incredibly helpful.

 

This is something I'm going to speak with my therapist about on Tuesday's appointment.

[lostlove76]

Thank you lostlove.

 

I still feel like I'd rather know. I spent the day in misery, but now that some time has passed and I've sat with this in my mind that he may indeed have spent some time with her and is actively moving on. This all comes down to what he really wants. The type of life he will happy leading. I would never want him just to have him. I want him becaus he wants to be with me. Otherwise it wouldn't bring either of us happiness That is the only way I would want it. I have spent time away from him. I've gone out of town numerous times when we separated before. I've had the opportunity to date. I was just so centered on him that I didn't want anything or anyone else. He has never had that opportunity and now he will. I have to let him go and in my mind I can't wait. I have a lot of work to do on myself and I need to focus on that.

 

Today really was an eye opener. I am emotionally unstable and I don't ever want to be in this position ever again. I am hard on myself for a reason. I should never allow another human being have this type of control over my happiness. I need to get to a place of stability and strength so I can start thinking about my future and what I want to accomplish. I still have so much more I want to accomplish in my life and right now, I am stagnant because of this problem. It is not making sense to me anymore and when something no longer makes sense, you have to leave it behind. I want to enjoy my life and I want to spend it with a good person by my side. Someone who is loyal, someone I have a soecial connection with. He knows I will settle for no less. This married woman will settle for his nonsense. She won't hold him accountable like I will so maybe she is better for him than I am. You don't know how hard that is for me to say that. I know what qualities I have. I know there is someone out there who will appreciate me. I have to find that self respect that I know I have for myself. It is unfortunate how things happened with us. I wanted so badly for it to work...I still do, but it is so important that I face reality. God knows if he walked back in my life today with determination and purpose, I'd hop on board, but that is not likely. I feel very certain that I won't hear from him for a long time..in fact, I may never hear from him. And if I do, I would hope this married woman situation is out of his system as he would have now had a chance to explore that on his own. If that is what he wants, she can have him. She might spend as long as I did hoping he will make an honest woman out of her. Anyhow those things shouldn't be of my concern and in time I'll work toward making sure they no longer are a concern. I think thinking about it helps me to make sense of it.

 

I'm pretty sure I will go back and forth with this. Being away from home helped me quite a bit. Seeing my friends and their journey in life, just the extra input and advice was helpful overall. I was able to get my mind off of it momentarily although I still looked at Facebook. I'm hoping i have built enough strength and energy to get through the week. Then I'll head out of time again to regenerate. That is my short term plan. I have to come to terms with the fact that he is not good for me. He serves no purpose in my life anymore.

 

I agree with everything you're saying here. You're showing strength, maturity, self-love, and acceptance of the situation. I know you'll go back and forth, but the fact that you can say all these things is good progress. Hang on to this as much as you can! It may take some time, but you will be okay, ksol. You know that you need and deserve better out of life, and you're ready for it.

[Ms Darcy]

Today really was an eye opener. I am emotionally unstable and I don't ever want to be in this position ever again. I am hard on myself for a reason. I should never allow another human being have this type of control over my happiness. I need to get to a place of stability and strength so I can start thinking about my future and what I want to accomplish. I still have so much more I want to accomplish in my life and right now, I am stagnant because of this problem. It is not making sense to me anymore and when something no longer makes sense, you have to leave it behind. I want to enjoy my life and I want to spend it with a good person by my side. Someone who is loyal, someone I have a soecial connection with. He knows I will settle for no less. This married woman will settle for his nonsense.

 

I cannot remember. Did you say you got into an on and off relationship with someone else before this recent ex? If so, you might want to discuss this pattern with your therapist as well.

[browneyedgirl36]

This is something I'm going to speak with my therapist about on Tuesday's appointment.

 

Yes! CBT is very helpful -- it's focused on changing our thinking, which then helps us to change our behavior. It was HUGE in my process of healing/moving forward.

 

Ksol, I agree with lostlove that you're being really hard on yourself; try not to rake yourself over the coals for having feelings! The one thing you said that I think is very good, though, is that what you said about never letting someone else have this much control over your feelings. SO true -- NO ONE should have that much power over another person. I remember realizing how much power my ex had over me -- and that I had handed it to him on a silver platter -- and how small and powerless I felt. I have never felt that way since, and I promised myself NEVER AGAIN, under any circumstances, would I ever allow that to happen again.

 

You're on the right track to healing. This is the REALLY hard part. It gets easier from here -- though it may not seem like it for awhile, and it may happen very incrementally. The first step is hitting the bottom, and realizing the only way to go is up.

 

Hang in there, and DEFINITELY keep your therapy appointment. It's part of you fighting for yourself, which you really need to do right now.

 

(A suggestion, too, though I know you're already reading some books: Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. It's CBT-based, and I found it very helpful. I'm not all that into self-help books (I've read a few, found some helpful and some not), but this one was extremely helpful. It -- and therapy -- really helped me to re-frame my thoughts, and when my thoughts changed, my behavior changed -- no more crummy, anxiety-inducing relationships that made me feel bad about myself.)

[browneyedgirl36]

I cannot remember. Did you say you got into an on and off relationship with someone else before this recent ex? If so, you might want to discuss this pattern with your therapist as well.

 

Yes -- if you do have a pattern of being in on-off relationships, definitely mention it to the therapist. My pattern was being involved with men who weren't all that into me (I was their "Ms. Right Now" as opposed to their "Ms. Right") and then hanging onto them WAY after they let me go or letting them keep me on the backburner while they went off and lived their lives. One therapist suggested to me that I might be "emotionally unavailable," and at first, I was really mad at her, but after awhile, I realized that yeah, she was probably right. It wasn't that I didn't want a relationship -- I just didn't want to be emotionally vulnerable to anyone, and I didn't believe I was worthy of love anyway, so I unconsciously got into situations wherein I set myself up for rejection. So many revelations came out of all that!

[Ksol9]

Thank you BEG and Ms. Darcy. I will make note of some of the things you mentioned and will bring it up in therapy this Tuesday. I realize it is important for me to contine to go. I need support and any kind of direction I can get right now.

 

Yesterday was just horrible. My emotions were all over the place. I was worrying myself sick over what he was doing. I should morso be focused on myself. My mentality should be...it's his loss (because it's true). I'll get there in time...eventually. By nighttime, I noticed I was feeling a bit more calm.

 

Lostlove, I think what you said about not really knowing what he was doing and the reasons for why he may not have wanted to be alone at home helped me see things from both sides. I tend to forget and will only look at things from my end. Still I shouldn't be focused on him and what he is doing, but in all honesty, that's pretty much all I'm thinking right now. I miss him so much. I miss my life with him and the children. I know that life is never coming back. I notice I can say all the right things, even think clearly for a bit...but it's short lived. Very difficult for me to hold on to strength. I slept a little and woke up around 5 am. Decided to write. I don't want to go home but I should head back later today and get as much rest as I can until I go back to work.

I'm still feeling so confused and I don't know why. It's like I fight with myself to see reality. The minute I see a little bit of clarity it's like something in mind mind intercepts and then I get back to feeling confused. It has only been a little over a week since all of this happened and it feeels like forever.

 

I feel like I'm struggling to get a hold of my emotions and maybe because this was his decision to end things. I felt the same pain when I left him, but I felt very confident about my decision to leave. I didn't question if it was the right decision because I knew I had to leave. I was so hurt he did not try to communicate with me or try to save the relationship. For 6 weeks I sat in pain thinking he didn't care about me. I could say the same with the first break up and I'm still saying the same thing now. Hid feelings just changed from one day to the next. It was practically one minute to the next that he went from being focused and committed to trying, he was trying to encourage me to be patient, then almost overnight he was saying, we are never going to work..you and I both know this. He seems to dislike me very much. I wonder if in time his feelings will change and by that time the tables may have turned and I won't feel the same?

I noticed last night he stopped getting on Facebook around 9:30 and hasn't been on since. My friend and sister are still friends with him on Facebook. They can see the last time he was on was around that time and no posts have been made either. He's normally sharing news articles or funny videos. Nothing. He hasn't posted any photos. His activity is not the same. I'm assuming it is because he doesn't want to share what is going on with his life right now. I wonder how you said there are times when you become so angry with someone and actually hope they would come to you to make things right and if this is how he may feel? Or maybe he just despises me and is mindful I may be lurking around. I don't remember if I explained why he deleted me off Facebook in an earlier post. There was an incident. Can't remember if I spoke about it here. Anyhow, I'm assuming he will eventually delete my family and friends soon. I am now able to see his page and he has deleted most of the photos with me in it. There are some still remaining including a profile picture of him and I. I'm assuming those will go too once he gets involved more seriously with someone else. Since texting him about how I noticed he friended the married woman, I think he probably thinks I'm some sort of stalker and knowing I still have the gate transponder, it may cross his mind that I would go there uninvited. I would never do that, but in time he will see I've walked away as I haven't attempted to communicate with him. Thinga are just so messy now. It hurts me so much to know he hates me and thinks so terribly of me. I guess it makes it easier for him to do what he is doing right now when the other person is to blame. He's not going to soften and I won't contact him. I just see this whole thing as a huge mess that can't be fixed even with time.

 

I better try to get back to sleep. How are things with you? I hope you're not worrying too much about the ex. You may have written about it recently but things have been so foggy for me in the past couple days so I may have missed any updates you posted about him. Hope you are spending your weekend in peace and that you are resting well. Chat again soon.

[Clarisse]

I bought a book on kindle that Clarisse suggested in the first few days after the breakup. I purchased it but never got around to reading it. I started it a little while ago. It's called: NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. Should be interesting. The topic definitely interests me at the moment. I think I just want to be at peace with everything that happened and I guess the best way to do that is to educate myself with as much knowledge as I can find. Understanding brings forgiveness. I don't need to forgive him for any other reason other than to bring myself peace.

 

I hope you find the book helpful. At the very least, I hope it helps you see how destructive his behavior with other women really is and that without willingness to own and fix whats broken inside him, your ex will never change.

 

Perhaps you could call him "ex" instead of "mine". Seems appropriate, right?

 

Peace and forgiveness will come in time. Be patient with yourself.

[Ksol9]

Fell back asleep and had really bad dreams. Dreams of him telling me he's in love with her, his son telling me he saw her during our relationship, and him just being completely hateful toward me. I guess I'm thinking so much about it that even in my dreams he is there. This is horrible. I just want to breakdown and cry. How could he so easily go to another woman? If he really cared, he would take the time to get over the whole thing first before seeing someone else. I don't know how to get over this. I think I just have no patience. I think that is really what I need right now.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. I don't have much time to write at the moment because I need to get ready and go work for a couple of hours. But I'll be back this evening. I didn't fall asleep til probably around 4am, and I just got up about an hour ago. I've had dreams before like you were having, and I know how awful that can be. You wake up with the same feelings as if those things really happened, and it sticks with you for a while.

 

I don't recall you saying why you weren't Facebook friends with him?

 

He very well may not be posting much because he's aware that your family members may be reporting back to you about his activity. He may just not want to give any indication of what he's doing or thinking. Maybe out of some kind of stubbornness. I'm always super-aware that mine might see comments I've left on mutual friend's pages and such, and it does affect what I say - sometimes purposely, sometimes more subconsciously. He may just not want to give you the satisfaction of knowing what he's up to. Not because he hates you, but just because that's how people are sometimes.

 

I know this is killing you. I know that the thoughts of him potentially being with someone else makes it 10,000 times worse than if it were just the breakup itself. I will never understand how someone can jump right to someone else, but a lot of guys do that. I'm sure women do it too, but it seems to be mostly guys. I guess it's their coping mechanism, but it really makes them seem like unfeeling a$$h0les. Remember, though, what I said about those times I reached out to other guys in an effort to cope, and how it meant absolutely nothing to me. I never went further than chatting, but for guys, even sex can mean absolutely nothing. We don't know if he's with this woman, but if he is, it's just something shallow. You could even argue that he's just using her. Lucky her, right? Not that she doesn't fully deserve to be used, given the type of person she is. I can't stand her type.

 

I guess I better get ready and go, but I will write more later. Did you decide to go back home today? Are you working tomorrow, or not until Tuesday?

[JustinPonders]

@Ksol9 if it's any consolation my ex girlfriend started seeing someone within days after we broke up, in fact, she was most likely seeing him "her friend" towards the tail end of our relationship. And now they're living together. People like this have no integrity, respect and decency to at least pull you to the side and say "this isn't working out, lets go our separate ways." Instead they'll string you along until it's convenient for them to bail on us and go the other way full force where they think the grass is greener. Trust me, not a day goes by where I don't regret my mistakes. It just pisses me off that I foolishly gave my ex all the power. The regret is literally eating me up inside. Just when I think I'm getting better I take two steps back. It's an endless, viscous cycle. I guess it's an indication that I'm still in love with her, which I am, unfortunately. The pain is unbearable. I too have dreams of her almost once a week. Just the other night I had a dream where she told me "I love you." And I instantly woke up and was like "daammm." We're all suffering with you Ksol9. All of us. This thought is the only thing that keeps me from losing it completely because it makes me feel like I'm not alone.

 

And Hi lostlove76

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove,

 

Anyone reading must find my internal struggle exhausting. I must have gone back and forth a million times. I have moments of clarity. My need to hold on to him quickly clouds my judgement. I have to let go, but my heart doesn't want to. I wish I was like some of these other women. I wish it was easy for me to move on.

Just like you, when I love, I love wholeheartedly, so when it's time to go my heart doesn't always jump on board right away.

 

I'm going to continue to hurt myself as long as I continue to worry about him. As long as I continue to absorb myself in what he is doing, I'm going to keep nothing but negativity around me. He's no good for me. It's time I take care of myself. I don't want this to restrict me anymore. I don't want to be caged by it anymore. I can't continue living this way. I think the best thing, I'll ever do for myself is fall out love with him.

 

I don't recall you saying why you weren't Facebook friends with him?

 

A couple days before the breakup, he shared a memory from maybe 3 years ago. The photo was of him, his cousin, and one of the women I saw sent him a photo of herself in her underwear (another married woman). Just a side note, I absolutely mirror your views on married women who sleep with men other than their husband and the men they sleep with are just as bad if they know she is married. Anyhow, my facebook has been deactivated for some time. I never put it back up because I just didn't want to share my life I guess. He saw it as a way for me to reactivate only to peek at his page and then deactivate. He was offended that I was restricting him from seeing my page..although I wasnt active. This always bothered him and he saw it as sneaky behavior on my behalf. I honestly, would go on maybe once a day just to peek at what everyone else was doing, not just him, and then deactivate. Well the day he shared the photo with this woman, I was upset about it. I saw it as disrespectful of him to post. He knows she was an issue in our relationship and was part of the cause for one of our prior breakups. He ended up apologizing and deleted the photo. Me with my negative thinking, should have been satisfied by his gesture, accepted the apology, and moved on. Instead I continued on throughout the day with an attitude, ignoring him at times, just poor behavior. He grew more angry. I guess he was on at the same time I signed on and he deleted me. When I realized he deleted me, I asked him why he would do that and I expressed that it made it seem like he was hiding something. He began to scream at me and stated that his facebook activity was his business and not to worry about what he is doing. He said that I blocked him for months and he wasn't able to see my page...blah, blah. It's just facebook, but the action created a huge problem. It was a major catalyst behind this breakup, because I was extremely annoyed and upset he was hiding it from me. Although, he never hid his phone or showed signs that he was hiding anything, I took it as a spiteful way to handle the matter and it was part of the reason I was behaving so terribly with him those last few days. There has only been one other person who played that game with me...deleting me off facebook just because they're mad...and that person turned out to be the biggest con artist Ive ever met in my life. I kept thinking really negative thoughts about that issue.

 

He very well may not be posting much because he's aware that your family members may be reporting back to you about his activity. He may just not want to give any indication of what he's doing or thinking. Maybe out of some kind of stubbornness. I'm always super-aware that mine might see comments I've left on mutual friend's pages and such, and it does affect what I say - sometimes purposely, sometimes more subconsciously. He may just not want to give you the satisfaction of knowing what he's up to. Not because he hates you, but just because that's how people are sometimes.

 

I think this is exactly what is going on. He doesn't want to broadcast what is going on in his life right now. He's sharing photos of the children and family members will comment and he's not responding. No funny videos or pictures. He's just browsing facebook and not interacting much it looks like. But it is just facebook and you can't conclude what a person is feeling or what they are doing unless there are direct posts about their feelings. It's social media..nothing more. I think if he even has it in mind that I may be viewing his facebook, he doesn't want me to know anything about his life right now. Furthermore, I don't see him posting anything about her. If he is passionately in love with her lol....he'd be posting about his new relationship and wouldn't worry a thing about me and what I think. Like you said..it's most likely to be something shallow at the moment. Who knows what it might grow to be.

 

I'm going to be heading home in a little bit. I didn't sleep well. Went to bed late and everytime I drifted off to sleep, I kept having a bad dream about him and her. While it is true that we don't know if he is with this woman, I also don't know for sure if he slept with her the time he sent the email to her. Nothing has changed and I'm still in the same situation as I have always been in with him regarding this woman. I don't deserve to live like that...constantly wondering what is going on with him and this woman. Yes, our relationship is over, but what would happen if he were to come back into my life? I would be in the exact same situation I was in before. I absolutely do not need to be competing for his heart with a trashy married woman. She couldn't compare to me by a long shot. She can have him. I won't stand in their way.

 

I went back and read through some of my old posts. I do this often. I am just experiencing and saying and feeling the exact same things as I did before. What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again. Well, to me that is the definition of stupidity. Him and I have foolishly been doing the same thing over and over. We are not changing. He is not changing. I am not changing. Something has to change and I think he finally realized that. I think he finally realized this is not going to work and that is why he left. Do I think he is going to jump right into another relationship? Absolutely! I think this time around, he wants to move on with his life. He has always been unwilling and I have always been willing. He is never going to change..I am not changing and as a result, we will never work. It seems as time goes on, the damage gets worse. Now it has gotten to the point where there is another woman involved. What would happen if he gives me a sexually transmitted disease or something. The type of women he plays around with are not respectable women. I need to really sit and think about the severity of all of those things.

 

I am angry with him, yes, but I should be equally angry with myself. I believe he has reached a point where this big transition is happening in his life regarding his children and he is making changes in his life for himself. This decision to end the relationship was what was best for him and truthfully, it was probably best for me. I deserve better and he deserves..well...what he deserves. I am confident about the type of woman that I am...I am very fortunate, I come from an excellent family, I am educated, and I have good morals and values. I need to respect myself and stop allowing men like this to walk in my life and turn it upside down. Something changed inside of me and I can't figure where along the way I lost myself, but this negative person that Ive become is not who I am. I feel terrible that as a strong, independent woman, I couldn't have motivated him to change, to be a better person, for both of us to become better people...for eachother and for the children. He was absolutely correct when he said we could be great together, we can totally be a force together. We just couldn't get it together. I still have a chance to find someone to be happy with..to build a life and a family with. I need to look at the bright side of things instead of playing the role of a victim. If I don't change, I will never have a healthy relationship. I'll never choose a healthy partner and what is happening now, will continue to happen. This cycle will continue until someone gets tired.

 

I can't continue to risk my happiness on a man who continues to display what he recently displayed. I know he is gone and that he is just living his life. There are moments that I still can't believe he could just care less about me. I am sad and I miss him very much, but I've got to get on with the show. I've said so many times before that I need to work on myself. I'd begin to work on myself and then stop once I got back with him. This time, I dont see him coming back, so I've got to keep pressing forward.

[Ms Darcy]

Perhaps you could call him "ex" instead of "mine". Seems appropriate, right?

 

Have already suggested this.

[Ms Darcy]

I cannot remember. Did you say you got into an on and off relationship with someone else before this recent ex? If so, you might want to discuss this pattern with your therapist as well.

 

Did you happen to see this one?

[Ms Darcy]

I'm just going to take an educated guess and say that since you had confronted him about various actions he's taken on his social media, he's aware that you are monitoring his activity on Facebook. ... And is acting accordingly.

[Ksol9]

I cannot remember. Did you say you got into an on and off relationship with someone else before this recent ex? If so, you might want to discuss this pattern with your therapist as well.

 

 

Hi Ms. Darcy,

 

Yes, I was in a very unhealthy relationship..an abusive relationship...prior to this recent relationship. I would attempt to leave him and would end up going back on numerous occasions. There wouldn't be long periods of NC. He would contact within a day or so and it was a continuous cycle. Ultimately, I was able to end the relationship, but it was very difficult. I don't know if that relationship created some issues within me. I have mentioned it to my therapist and hopefully we will be able to work further on what is going on with me. There is definitely something wrong on my end if I am ending up in relationships like this.

[Ksol9]

I'm just going to take an educated guess and say that since you had confronted him about various actions he's taken on his social media, he's aware that you are monitoring his activity on Facebook. ... And is acting accordingly.

 

You are correct about this. Now that he deleted me, he cant be sure if I am monitoring still, but this time is not at all like the rest. He isn't trying to get me back into his life.

[lostlove76]

"How are things with you? I hope you're not worrying too much about the ex. You may have written about it recently but things have been so foggy for me in the past couple days so I may have missed any updates you posted about him"

 

Hi ksol. I hope you're hanging in there. I just got home. I'm going to catch up on what you've written in just a bit, but I really need to get this off my mind so that I can refocus. I've felt very bothered today at the thought of him and the ex reconnecting. He's been getting on fb a ton late last night and today. And she's been on all afternoon. So when I see them on at the same time so often, I can only conclude that they're messaging. In my mind, I'm picturing them getting closer and closer and him saying to her all the things he said to me, and them visiting each other, and having a relationship again for a long time if not forever. I just don't understand it, after everything she told me about not having feelings for him and knowing how he is and all that stuff. And I really don't know whether to feel betrayed by her (anyone have any opinion on this?)... but I kind of do.

 

She shared some song that some friend of hers posted, in which this friend was singing a song she had written herself about falling in love. The friend prefaced the video by saying that it was about falling in love and then losing it, and forgiving oneself, and something about God. So his ex shared this video and wrote about how all her relationships past, present, and future are lessons for her. And that the biggest lesson she's learned is how to let go and trust the universe without fear in things she can't see. Blah blah blah. And I just wonder if she's referring to HIM.

 

The other thing that's bothering me is that he'll never have any reason to call me if he's connecting with her. And if he connects with her, does that mean that he's just satisfied with whatever is in front of him in the moment (figuratively speaking, since it's all long distance) and none of it has been special to him, whether me or her? Or does it mean that it's equally special for him at the time, and therefore I wasn't really anything special at all? They have a history. But since their relationship ended years ago, he's just contacted a few times a year and then I guess it would fizzle. She said it was just friends, but she sure did latch on every time it happened - I could tell, because she was posting all over his wall constantly. I can't see if she's doing that this time. So was she lying to me when she said she had no feelings?

 

This is just really REALLY bothering me. I think I'll ask my mom what she thinks, and then I'll be back to catch up.