Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[lostlove76]

I get what you're trying to say and I don't think you're trying to place blame on me. You're just showing me how things might look on the other side of the spectrum. Thank you for that because I tend to block that out. I don't take into account what it appeared to be from his end.

 

The day he ended it, he seemed to be in a blind rage. He didn't hear or see anything that I was saying. My tears meant nothing. He just wanted me out. That anger carried on for 2 days after until he received those last few text messages from me in the middle of the night. He began the initial rejection, I dont think he cared what followed. He just wanted me out of his life. The more I think about it. He treated me horribly. No matter how mean I was being over those last few days, why didnt he try to sit down and talk to me to prevent what ultimately happened. Instead his anger festered for 2 days as I didn't come home all day both days. Then he finally blew up. No communication. It was over. That's it. I sat there crying and he walked in. He didn't want to hear anything I had to say. Then as he was walking out, he said..I guess I'll come back with the kids after you get all your things out. I couldn't even think straight. I just ended up leaving and then you know what happened the following day with him friending the married woman. I'm getting upset just writing about it.

 

I think you made an excellent point about it being a man's duty to fix and pursue. It doesn't matter what happened, I feel very strongly about this. I've learned from the 2 prior breakups. This needs to come from him. He didn't want the relationship anymore so if he changes his mind, it will be his job to let me know he wants to try again. They know where to find us. In today's world, it is not hard to make contact with someone. My number is still the same. He simply doesn't care. I am left to think he just moved on with this married woman.

 

Yes, and the only reason I point it out is because I think it will help you feel less rejected. It helps me a lot when you point out what mine must have been thinking at the end, and I thank you for that. We both tell ourselves that they don't care and we meant nothing to them and that's that, end of story. But that way of thinking and feeling is what is making it feel just HORRIBLE X1000. The ending would hurt regardless, but to feel so easily dismissed and replaced is the very worst of it. We say it to ourselves so many times that it becomes our truth, and we forget about what we may have said or done to contribute to the complete break. I know for me, I would MUCH rather feel like something I did caused him to quit trying, rather than it being because he simply didn't give two $h!Ts. He did enough on his own for me not to feel guilty about any reaction that I had or behavior I exhibited towards him. I, in fact, feel zero guilt. He caused all of it by being how he was. And I don't want you to feel guilt, either. I just want you to realize that maybe the way you acted/reacted contributed to things being cut off and going silent.

 

I also just wanted to say that people say and do things in the heat of the moment out of anger and frustration, that they don't necessarily mean. You said it was over, but you didn't mean it. It's possible that he did the same, but now feels clueless as to how to fix this. Again, just pointing this out for the sole purpose of helping you feel less rejected.

[Ms Darcy]

I understand your point. That's why I explained why I keep calling him "mine" - I know he is no longer mine, but I seriously don't know what else to call him here since we don't use names. Typing exboyfriend over and over again sounds tedious. And ksol's actually was still her guy just a week ago. Also, they remain our guys in our hearts. Not at all trying to be disagreeable, and I do understand your point. Just explaining why I use those terms. I know it probably sounds a bit weird.

 

It's pretty easy to just say "D" or "K" as a proxy.

 

You guys both unfortunately still talk about, think about, and monitor these dudes like you have some sort of ownership.

[Ksol9]

Tylenol PM is not the safest thing to be taking to get some sleep. Benadryl is the safer bet. I just desperately needed some sleep and it completely knocked me out. I wish I didn't depend on any kind of medication to sleep. I just cant get my mind to shut off and if I didn't take the medicine, I'd be awake for much of the night. I keep telling myself that I need them to get sleep and when my life stabilizes, I can work on a much healthier lifestyle. Unfortunately life has been very rocky. I was able to get out of the house for some exercise earlier. I want to do some reading tonight. Hopefully that will help me through the weekend.

 

Hi. I'm doing okay, thanks! Today is not nearly as bad as some days, for whatever reason. Maybe it's because the weather has been nice. I'll get on my laptop in a few to write more, but just catching up on reading your posts here. I wanted to comment on the sleeping aids. I agree it's not good to take them too much, and Tylenol isn't good to take very often. It's a switch-off, though. Not getting enough quality sleep is really bad for you as well, especially emotionally. So I say just take it if you need it, get through this hump, and then you can start backing off of it. I know you know what you're doing, but just wanted to offer my opinion on that.

 

Be back to comment more...

 

ETA: Oh, meant to ask what you'll be reading tonight? I keep putting off reading all these great books I have on my shelves (novels) because I don't feel I can focus my mind on it. Just curious what you'll be reading

 

I bought a book on kindle that Clarisse suggested in the first few days after the breakup. I purchased it but never got around to reading it. I started it a little while ago. It's called: NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. Should be interesting. The topic definitely interests me at the moment. I think I just want to be at peace with everything that happened and I guess the best way to do that is to educate myself with as much knowledge as I can find. Understanding brings forgiveness. I don't need to forgive him for any other reason other than to bring myself peace.

 

I'm sitting here with anxiety through the roof because he hasn't signed on Facebook for 4 hours. Really?? I'm sitting here assuming that the married woman is laying in the bed I was sleeping in with him just last week. Can you just imagine what I am going through right now? I'm going to try to read or sleep or do something to calm these nerves. I can't let this situation have this much power over me. I'm stronger than this. I feel helpless. There is no reason I should be upsetting myself to this extent because I'm assuming he is with another woman. I feel so terrible inside and I just don't know what to do about it.

 

I've also been reading bits and pieces from the make up don't break up book. That book has literally been a manual for me and I still read it from time to time.

 

Gosh I just want the weekend to be over and just think, it's a long weekend because of the holiday on Monday. This has to be one of the worst nights in a long time.

[lostlove76]

It's pretty easy to just say "D" or "K" as a proxy.

 

You guys both unfortunately still talk about, think about, and monitor these dudes like you have some sort of ownership.

 

I don't at all feel like I have any ownership. As for talking and thinking about him, I'm not over him, so yeah, I do. It's also relevant to the conversations here with ksol. This is the only place I talk about him anymore, aside from mentioning how I'm feeling to my parents every now and then. I don't even write on my own thread about him anymore. I don't want to feel paranoid about what term I use to refer to him. Using some letter would take a long time to get used to, and would therefore be a pain, so I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. Maybe I'll change it when I no longer have any feelings left for him.

 

ETA: I know you're just trying to help, and I don't mean to come across as defensive.

[lostlove76]

I bought a book on kindle that Clarisse suggested in the first few days after the breakup. I purchased it but never got around to reading it. I started it a little while ago. It's called: NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. Should be interesting. The topic definitely interests me at the moment. I think I just want to be at peace with everything that happened and I guess the best way to do that is to educate myself with as much knowledge as I can find. Understanding brings forgiveness. I don't need to forgive him for any other reason other than to bring myself peace.

 

I'm sitting here with anxiety through the roof because he hasn't signed on Facebook for 4 hours. Really?? I'm sitting here assuming that the married woman is laying in the bed I was sleeping in with him just last week. Can you just imagine what I am going through right now? I'm going to try to read or sleep or do something to calm these nerves. I can't let this situation have this much power over me. I'm stronger than this. I feel helpless. There is no reason I should be upsetting myself to this extent because I'm assuming he is with another woman. I feel so terrible inside and I just don't know what to do about it.

 

I've also been reading bits and pieces from the make up don't break up book. That book has literally been a manual for me and I still read it from time to time.

 

Gosh I just want the weekend to be over and just think, it's a long weekend because of the holiday on Monday. This has to be one of the worst nights in a long time.

 

I'm sorry I do know how you're feeling, because I've felt it. Even when we were together, on the nights I didn't go over to his place, I would put a lot of stock into whether or not he was on Facebook. I didn't trust him, and I always expected the worst. So I totally get the anxiety. I wish I knew what to suggest. Stepping away as others have suggested would probably be best, but I know that's nearly impossible to do sometimes. Mine (see, now I'm feeling paranoid about calling him that. For the record, once again, I am fully aware that he is no longer "mine") didn't get on for a few hours, and then he just did a few minutes ago. I was sitting on Facebook trying to win a free pair of leggings by commenting on a live feed, and I DID, I won a pair!!!! Lol. So something good came from Facebook today. But my chat list was of course open during all of that, so I saw when he got on. I bet yours will get on before the night is through. Seems he's gotten on kind of late the past few nights? He might be zoning out with his games and drinking. I know it's hard not to worry, but I really don't think she is there.

[lostlove76]

I hope you're making it through the night okay, ksol. I agree that reading and trying to gain understanding of the situation will help bring peace. What I learned through all of my reading is that certain types of guys will do what they're going to do to any girl, and it isn't that something is wrong with us. I know that on an intellectual level, but it's hard to really feel it sometimes. It does so much damage to self-esteem when you're cheated on in any way, and when you feel dropped and left behind.

 

I'm feeling agitated again at the thought of mine talking to the ex. Even though what you've said is probably right, the possibility that they'll get close again still feels viable. I don't know whether to be upset with her. I feel like if the situation were reversed, and she were the more recent ex, the one who still had feelings, the one who had confided in me about how hurts she was, and my feelings for him had long since vanished... I don't think I would reconnect with him. Maybe I'm just loyal to a fault. It's not like she and I are close friends or anything, but we did talk and share and connect and confide. She told me she had no feelings and wanted nothing to do with him ever again. Now that she's talking to him and filling his void, he'll have no reason to ever attempt reaching out to me. But like I realized before: if it's not one girl, it's another.

 

These on/off relationships really do make it virtually impossible to heal and move on. We know they've come back before, so we expect them to do it again. It keeps us in waiting mode. Limbo, which is a very uncomfortable place to be.

 

Did yours ever get back on Facebook tonight? It occurred to me that maybe he's drinking more at times, and zoning out and therefore not getting on as much, or for long periods of time. Of course we don't know. But just remember that there are so many other possibilities for it other than her being there.

 

I guess I'll take a Benadryl and get in the bed and try to relax, read some stuff on my phone til I can fall asleep. Just thinking of you and wondering how you're doing. Let us know if you learn anything interesting in your reading. 1/4 of the long weekend is about gone, just 3/4 left. You can do this - one day at a time. Hugs.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't at all feel like I have any ownership. As for talking and thinking about him, I'm not over him, so yeah, I do. It's also relevant to the conversations here with ksol. This is the only place I talk about him anymore, aside from mentioning how I'm feeling to my parents every now and then. I don't even write on my own thread about him anymore. I don't want to feel paranoid about what term I use to refer to him. Using some letter would take a long time to get used to, and would therefore be a pain, so I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. Maybe I'll change it when I no longer have any feelings left for him.

 

ETA: I know you're just trying to help, and I don't mean to come across as defensive.

 

There can be a certain comfort and familiarity with misery. And I think there is a lot of comfort in being stuck and not consistently pushing yourself towards moving on.

 

If using the word "my" is what makes you paranoid, then I think this shows that perhaps the focus is not on the healthy stuff. I would be more paranoid about the general social isolation. There's much research out there about how people who are socially isolated struggle with breakups far more than those with social networks. In part, it's because we all actually do need people. And when that need gets funneled, in the most substantive way, into one person, that creates one-itis.

 

I resist enabling. Monitoring the ex's social media isn't healthy, as another example. It's your life. But don't be surprised if the occasional, "yeah that's not good" comes up. That's pretty much what people tried to impress upon you for months on your own thread. It's just reality.

 

And I do think this thread, having been around for a while, though it's overall a very positive force can sometimes devolve into enabling. Years on, though, I suspect Ksol would probably recognize her unhealthy thinking patterns. It's early yet in her break up process. The sooner one can cut off the unhealthy behaviors, the easier the recovery.

 

Alas ... all in one's own time.

[Ksol9]

I hope you're making it through the night okay, ksol. I agree that reading and trying to gain understanding of the situation will help bring peace. What I learned through all of my reading is that certain types of guys will do what they're going to do to any girl, and it isn't that something is wrong with us. I know that on an intellectual level, but it's hard to really feel it sometimes. It does so much damage to self-esteem when you're cheated on in any way, and when you feel dropped and left behind.

 

I'm feeling agitated again at the thought of mine talking to the ex. Even though what you've said is probably right, the possibility that they'll get close again still feels viable. I don't know whether to be upset with her. I feel like if the situation were reversed, and she were the more recent ex, the one who still had feelings, the one who had confided in me about how hurts she was, and my feelings for him had long since vanished... I don't think I would reconnect with him. Maybe I'm just loyal to a fault. It's not like she and I are close friends or anything, but we did talk and share and connect and confide. She told me she had no feelings and wanted nothing to do with him ever again. Now that she's talking to him and filling his void, he'll have no reason to ever attempt reaching out to me. But like I realized before: if it's not one girl, it's another.

 

These on/off relationships really do make it virtually impossible to heal and move on. We know they've come back before, so we expect them to do it again. It keeps us in waiting mode. Limbo, which is a very uncomfortable place to be.

 

Did yours ever get back on Facebook tonight? It occurred to me that maybe he's drinking more at times, and zoning out and therefore not getting on as much, or for long periods of time. Of course we don't know. But just remember that there are so many other possibilities for it other than her being there.

 

I guess I'll take a Benadryl and get in the bed and try to relax, read some stuff on my phone til I can fall asleep. Just thinking of you and wondering how you're doing. Let us know if you learn anything interesting in your reading. 1/4 of the long weekend is about gone, just 3/4 left. You can do this - one day at a time. Hugs.

 

Hi lostlove, sorry you're feeling agitated. There hasn't been any other indication they are talking other than them becoming friends correct? I don't think you've got anything to worry about. Truthfully speaking....but then again i probably sound completely hypocritical because I'm thinking the same exact thing about my guy. We just don't know.

 

I tried to go to sleep, but couldn't. I did read a little but it didn't help much. He didn't ever get back on so i feel horrible. I'm trying not to think that she is there, but I can't help that thought either. He may have just spent the rest of the night playing video games..who knows. All I know is he wasn't thinking of me.

 

I remember feeling and thinking these same ways before. Very helpless and lost. I dont think I'm going to feel better any time soon regardless of the work I do on myself. I know each day is going to be a constant struggle no matter what for a very long time. Just the thought of that makes me unhappy.

[Ksol9]

Look how funny things are....

 

I decided to go to the office early. I just got here a little bit ago. I normally don't work on the weekends. I just go in for a few on Saturday morning. As I was walking in, our regular ups driver was here. He said, "hey I thought you guys left town?!" I was confused. I had no idea what he was talking about and I said no. He said..oh I went to your house yesterday to deliver a package and your bf was leaving at the same time. Said he was heading out of town. I paused... I said, oh yeah! I kept walking. The ups driver delivers to our businesses regularly and his route also delivers to his house. There were many occasions when I was living there, the driver would tell me he had a package for us on the truck or that he had left a package outside our door. He obviously doesn't know we are no longer together.

 

That means he went to see her instead of her coming here. I'm just assuming, but it's a good guess. That's why he hasn't bothered me for the gate transponder. He knew he would go there instead for a while at least until things develop a bit and then he'd begin bringing her here. I'm not certain he went to see her, but where else would he be going out of town. He is from Tampa and still has a couple close friends there. Both friends in Tampa have families and don't go out to nightclubs or anything like that. He is either in a hotel room with her or just hanging with friends.

 

I am in a bit of shock because a big part of me deep down inside was hoping that he was just angry and needed time and space. Here I was thinking he was home. Yes, he may need time and space, but he is living his life and the likelihood of him changing his mind now is very slim. I can say with confidence he isn't coming back. I better get with the program and get with it quickly, like today. He is living his life. The only one suffering and crying is me. He is a man and men will go out and sleep with other women when they are single. I think about if we were to ever cross paths again, which is doubtful now that I know he is out of town, strictly hypothetical...I could not trust him even more after knowing he may have started back up with her. It would just be a tornado of problems. A total lost cause. I'm going to come to terms with this and I am going to move on with my life. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

What goes around comes around. I'm learning things the hard way. When I left him for the email incident in august, he went through a really rough time. He told me this. Well, I am experiencing what he went through when I would leave town on the weekends and he was sitting at home hoping and praying I'd come back. He didn't know if I was with someone else or what was going on. I didn't realize the torture he was going through anytime I left until right this very moment. He doesn't have his children. How foolish of me to think he is sitting at home playing video games. I'm literally laughing at myself. Yes he can come and go as he pleases. Yes he is allowed to leave town to spend the weekend with friends or family. No he may not be sleeping with anyone or spending time with another woman just as I didn't spend time with another man when I left him, but that could very well be exactly what he is doing. What I know for sure is that none of this says he is contemplating his decision. In fact, it says he is making a real and conscious effort to move on with his life.

 

No more crying and suffering over this man. I've got to get up and go, stop all this foolish Facebook monitoring, stop all this wondering what he is doing. He isn't wondering about me nor is he crying and suffering over me. I need to draw the line. This is unhealthy for me and I don't want to fall into further depression over this. I need to use what I now know as strength to move on with my life. This is over.

 

Sorry for the rant...just processing and making sense of it all. This is over, it's really over. I don't know if I'm assuming or what, I don't know what to feel or think. I just feel like I don't have any hope.

[Ksol9]

Everything happens for a reason.

 

I am not meant to be feeling this low. I'm better than this. I'm stronger than this. It's ok to cry and to grieve the loss of this relationship, but not for long. I know it's been a little over a week, but i have 2 prior breakups under my belt. I've been through this before. I know the routine.

 

I was thinking about the time I left him because I found that email. I was very focused on leaving him. I didn't regret my decision, but I was very sad that he didn't try to save the relationship. I am assuming he is feeling empowered just as I did. I went to Miami on numerous occasions. I spent time with friends, hung out, had a good time. I didn't meet any men, sleep with anyone, much less give my phone number out. I didn't want to move on to anyone new, but I was prepared to love on should he never came back to me. He did eventually. I just wanted to get out and take care of myself. Whatever he is going through in this transitional time in his life is absolutely necessary. I was secretly hoping and praying this wouldn't go very far. That he would soon realize that this isn't what he wanted and would contact me. That is wishful and imaginary thinking. He doesn't need me. What he needs is to go out there to experience life without me...without his children.

 

All those times we split, it was me who did the soul searching. I went and experienced life without him. I waited for him yes, but the opportunity to move on was right there in front of my eyes, in the palm of my hands should I want to take that route alone or with someone else. He didn't have that opportunity. He had his children and that restricte and limited him. He needed me at that time. That was the only viable option and maybe he felt he didn't want to let our love die then. Now, for the first time in the life of our relationship, has he really had the opportunity to make a clear assessment of what HE really wants for himself. Just as I was reading last night in the make up don't break up book, a couple months for them to really stabilize and feel the loss of you. It takes quite a bit of time for the anger to dissipate as well and even still after a few months, I believe he will choose to let the relationship go regardless. The hope I was holding onto, I need to let go.

 

As the morning went on and as I let this settle in, I'm trying to hold in the tears and the pain. I keep telling myself I will never hear from him again. I don't know what I was thinking. The relationship ended last week. I still didn't catch up to that until today. He's living his life and isn't thinking about me. I just want to run away from here.

[Ksol9]

Having a terribly difficult time today. Feels like the first day. Feels like a realization. Need support.

[browneyedgirl36]

There can be a certain comfort and familiarity with misery. And I think there is a lot of comfort in being stuck and not consistently pushing yourself towards moving on.

 

If using the word "my" is what makes you paranoid, then I think this shows that perhaps the focus is not on the healthy stuff. I would be more paranoid about the general social isolation. There's much research out there about how people who are socially isolated struggle with breakups far more than those with social networks. In part, it's because we all actually do need people. And when that need gets funneled, in the most substantive way, into one person, that creates one-itis.

 

I resist enabling. Monitoring the ex's social media isn't healthy, as another example. It's your life. But don't be surprised if the occasional, "yeah that's not good" comes up. That's pretty much what people tried to impress upon you for months on your own thread. It's just reality.

 

And I do think this thread, having been around for a while, though it's overall a very positive force can sometimes devolve into enabling. Years on, though, I suspect Ksol would probably recognize her unhealthy thinking patterns. It's early yet in her break up process. The sooner one can cut off the unhealthy behaviors, the easier the recovery.

 

Alas ... all in one's own time.

 

I agree; I do think that most of us, at some point, come to the realization that our patterns aren't healthy, and a lot of us do work to change those patterns. When that time comes, we can look back and reflect on all that happened, how far we've come, etc., and we know we won't ever get ourselves into the same or similar situation again.

 

I used to think my ex was the most attractive, magnetic, fascinating person I'd ever met. As he put me through more and more crap (with my permission, of course -- I could have put a stop to it at any time but chose not to because of my own issues), I started to see him differently, until it came to a point where I saw him as very dysfunctional -- and focused on that -- until I moved to the next phase of my healing, which brought me to where I am now, where I can look at him and think, "Eh." I no longer see him as anything special whatsoever. All that "magnetism" was just charisma/charm, which is entirely superficial. Under all that was a deeply troubled person, and while I hope, for his sake, he's gotten some help, I can't fathom why or how I ever thought he was worth all that pain and suffering I went through.

 

It may seem that posters like Ms Darcy and I are being hard on you, expecting you to be able to just "move on," but we truly do understand where you are. I think we've both been there, and we've both finally found great men to share our lives with. I say this not to brag, or to say "Well, *I* did it, so why can't YOU?" but rather to show you that it is entirely possible to let go of someone you've believed for so long is the "love of your life" and actually find someone who IS. Healthy relationships simply aren't this painful. This goes for friendships and relationships with parents, siblings, etc. There will always be conflict -- we are humans, after all, with complex emotions and thought processes (which has often made me wish I were a cat or something!) -- but a healthy relationship does NOT keep you walking on eggshells, always second-guessing, always worrying about whether you can trust the other person or whether he trusts you. A healthy relationship doesn't keep you wondering if it will end, yet again, and when, and how it will end. It doesn't leave you scrutinizing the other person's exes or opposite-sex friends/acquaintances wondering if there's something going on there, or monitoring the other person's online activity exhaustively. No relationship is easy 100% of the time, but a healthy relationship has trust, solid communication, and little to no insecurity (I say "little to no" because I think many of us have insecurities that are not necessarily related to a particular relationship but that stem from our childhoods/pasts.)

 

As Ms Darcy said, though, everything in its own time. It takes however long it takes. I will say, for myself, my biggest regret is that it took me way, way, way too long to let go. Fortunately, I was finally over my ex before I met my fiancee, but I did lose nearly six years of my life when I could have been feeling content and peaceful instead of always feeling anxious and sad. Then again, if I'd gotten over him TOO soon, maybe I wouldn't have me the great guy I did. One never knows!

[browneyedgirl36]

Having a terribly difficult time today. Feels like the first day. Feels like a realization. Need support.

 

You have my support. I KNOW how hard this is. This is the beginning of something -- this is how it feels when you're ready to start moving forward. It feels awful, and messy, and like it's never going to get any better, but it absolutely DOES get better. Unfortunately, you have to wade through the icky stuff to get to the good. When you come out on the other side, though, you'll feel stronger. I promise.

[Ksol9]

You have my support. I KNOW how hard this is. This is the beginning of something -- this is how it feels when you're ready to start moving forward. It feels awful, and messy, and like it's never going to get any better, but it absolutely DOES get better. Unfortunately, you have to wade through the icky stuff to get to the good. When you come out on the other side, though, you'll feel stronger. I promise.

 

 

Thank you BEG. I need as much support as I can get right now. It didn't take long before I started to feel a huge knot in my throat. After I left the office I was just driving around aimlessly, trying to figure what to do. I didn't want to go home. Finally I decided I'd go home made myself look presentable and leave town. I packed an overnight bag and now I'm on the road. I haven't even eaten anything today. I just know he went to be with her. You're absolutely right...it shouldn't hurt this much. Not at all. I can't think straight. Need to get back on the road.

 

Thanks again.

[lostlove76]

Ah, ksol, I am so sorry. I know how you're feeling, and I wish you didn't have to feel it Ms Darcy and BEG, I'll comment on your posts in a little while; you both made some great points, as usual. Much appreciated. Ksol, what BEG is saying about how a good relationship isn't supposed to make you feel is so true. You aren't currently in a relationship with him, I know, but if you had felt more secure while with him, maybe you wouldn't also be so worried about what he's doing without you now. You really don't trust the person that he is. With good reason: you know from experience that he reaches out to other women. You expect it to happen, and you live in fear waiting for it. He is not healthy for you. I know that doesn't seem to matter sometimes when all you really want is to be with someone, but as you gain strength, it will matter more to you. You don't need to live the rest of your life like this.

 

Having said all that... we don't know for sure that he went to see her. If he did, then it's as I said before... he isn't a person of maturity and sound morals. "Normal" (i.e. good and healthy people) don't hook up with married women. It matters little to me that their relationship is supposedly open; it's still just as bad. We don't why their relationship is open. Maybe she was going to cheat regardless, so her husband agreed to open it just to keep her. Or maybe they're both that way. But the fact remains that she is married and getting it on with other men. To me that suggests low character and trashiness. Sorry to anyone reading here who may disagree - just my opinion. So given that, what does it say about your guy that he would be with someone like that?? Not a good indication for a stable future, for one. Use this knowledge for strength and believing that you need and deserve someone better.

 

But again, we don't know if that's what he's doing. You yourself thought for a minute about leaving town this weekend. I imagine that the apartment is pretty lonely right now without you or the kids there, and maybe he just couldn't take it. Reminders everywhere, just being in those rooms even if all the stuff is gone. He very well could have gone to just hang with friends and get away from the emptiness.

 

I know that your anxiety must have you completely on edge right now. Just keep looking for little bits of strength wherever you can find them.

[lostlove76]

Thank you BEG. I need as much support as I can get right now. It didn't take long before I started to feel a huge knot in my throat. After I left the office I was just driving around aimlessly, trying to figure what to do. I didn't want to go home. Finally I decided I'd go home made myself look presentable and leave town. I packed an overnight bag and now I'm on the road. I haven't even eaten anything today. I just know he went to be with her. You're absolutely right...it shouldn't hurt this much. Not at all. I can't think straight. Need to get back on the road.

 

Thanks again.

 

Be safe, and drive carefully. Check in and let us know how you're feeling if you get a chance. I'll be thinking of you.

[lostlove76]

There can be a certain comfort and familiarity with misery. And I think there is a lot of comfort in being stuck and not consistently pushing yourself towards moving on.

 

If using the word "my" is what makes you paranoid, then I think this shows that perhaps the focus is not on the healthy stuff. I would be more paranoid about the general social isolation. There's much research out there about how people who are socially isolated struggle with breakups far more than those with social networks. In part, it's because we all actually do need people. And when that need gets funneled, in the most substantive way, into one person, that creates one-itis.

 

This is a really going point, Ms Darcy, about social isolation and one-itis. That makes total sense to me. It's probably the reason why I feel like I'll never find anyone else, because there's really no one around me to choose from or even meet. And I funneled all of myself and my needs and wants into him, because there was no one else. Totally get what you're saying.

 

The problem is that it's in my nature to be this way. I'm extremely introverted, and can't handle being around people all the time (nor do I want to). I've read a lot about introversion and have come to accept that this is just how I am - and there are plenty of others out there who are the same. So I really have to say that it's not some "flaw" or something that I'm doing wrong. It's just who I am and how I operate.

 

But it does create the problems that you named. Which is unfortunate, because I can't change who I am, ya know?

 

One of the things I loved about him was that he was a lot like me in this regard. He kept to himself. And we kept to ourselves when we were together, and it was absolutely blissful. Just the two of us, sitting outside on the deck, enjoying each other and our time together. It seems like he's completely changed his lifestyle since he moved, and the kind of person he is now is not someone I would connect as well with - going to bars every single night, getting to know everyone and having a ton of friends, associating with people who do nothing but party all the time. That's not my scene. I did that in my 20's, and I'm way past over it.

 

Anyways. The problem is identified, but not sure there is a solution for it. I do just want to say, again, in my defense, that this is how introverts are. It's not right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. It just is what it is. It has its own set of problems, just like someone who is extremely extroverted has their own potential set of problems. But I can't change who I am. So I guess I'm just doomed to always suffer oneitis when I find someone I like or love, because it's a rare thing for me.

[lostlove76]

I used to think my ex was the most attractive, magnetic, fascinating person I'd ever met. As he put me through more and more crap (with my permission, of course -- I could have put a stop to it at any time but chose not to because of my own issues), I started to see him differently, until it came to a point where I saw him as very dysfunctional -- and focused on that -- until I moved to the next phase of my healing, which brought me to where I am now, where I can look at him and think, "Eh." I no longer see him as anything special whatsoever. All that "magnetism" was just charisma/charm, which is entirely superficial. Under all that was a deeply troubled person, and while I hope, for his sake, he's gotten some help, I can't fathom why or how I ever thought he was worth all that pain and suffering I went through.

 

This ex that he's currently back in contact with, who I talked with several times last year, says the same things about him that you're saying about your ex. She said she doesn't think he's anything special, that's he grown old and unattractive (when what I saw was the most beautiful man on the planet), that he's sick and won't change unless he gets help (alcoholism), etc etc. She reached the same place about him that you did about yours. Maybe one day I'll reach that point, too. I'm sure when my feelings fade, this is what I'll see. But GOSH, it's taking a long damn time. His other ex who I used to talk to said it took her a year to get over him. When I do finally reach that point, I'll probably be really mad at myself for ruining my days drowning in misery over him.

 

Healthy relationships simply aren't this painful. This goes for friendships and relationships with parents, siblings, etc. There will always be conflict -- we are humans, after all, with complex emotions and thought processes (which has often made me wish I were a cat or something!) -- but a healthy relationship does NOT keep you walking on eggshells, always second-guessing, always worrying about whether you can trust the other person or whether he trusts you. A healthy relationship doesn't keep you wondering if it will end, yet again, and when, and how it will end. It doesn't leave you scrutinizing the other person's exes or opposite-sex friends/acquaintances wondering if there's something going on there, or monitoring the other person's online activity exhaustively. No relationship is easy 100% of the time, but a healthy relationship has trust, solid communication, and little to no insecurity (I say "little to no" because I think many of us have insecurities that are not necessarily related to a particular relationship but that stem from our childhoods/pasts.)

This is so important for both myself and ksol to hear - especially ksol, since this is so fresh for her and she's going through the worst of it right now. I think she and I have lost the sense of what a relationship is supposed to be. After living with the anxiety and the distrust and the on/offs for so long, it becomes all you know. You just come to expect it, and somewhat accept that this is as good as it will get. It's great that there are other members here who know what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like, in order to give others a reality check.

 

Ksol, been thinking about you all day and I hope you safely get to wherever you were going. I hope it helps to get out of town for a bit.

[Ksol9]

Be safe, and drive carefully. Check in and let us know how you're feeling if you get a chance. I'll be thinking of you.

 

Thank you Lostlove. I was waiting for you to write. You have been so kind and compassionate with me. I just don't know how to tell you how much I appreciate you for that. These breakups with this man have been some of my darkest moments. It has tested me to my very core and this is yet another day that I am fighting something very dark. I'm slipping into depression. I made it to Miami. Just stopped to get something to eat.

 

Thank you for putting everything into perspective for me. You somehow understand. As it all sank, it did cross my mind that we can't be sure he went to see her, but common sense would tell me that is what is going on. I remember when I left him because of the emails, I was in a state of shock and I couldn't function. I just wanted to run. I had to leave town for 2 days. Came back when my mind was in the right place. I would imagine the apartment is extremely lonely and empty. He is required to be there during the week for work. The weekend came around and he left town probably for the same reasons I left town during the times were apart. I didn't want to sit in the house staring at the walls with thoughts of him that haunted me every moment. I would also agree that I probably wouldn't worry much about what his was doing even while we were apart if i had a different impression of his moral character. I don't think highly of him in that regard because anytime we had a problem he was reaching out to another woman. This woman in particular has been along for the ride for the 2 years I've been with him. The minute I saw her on his friends list I already knew what was going to happen. I think I was just hoping he would reconsider before going that far. As it stands right now, I am just assuming, but based on his history, he is most likely spending time with her. I'm just crushed. I can't even think straight.

[Ksol9]

I keep thinking about how he is sleeping with this woman. This same woman I've always had a problem with him contacting. The same woman he called trash. Imagine he is probably with her at this moment. I couldn't know for sure, but i just feel like this is so final that it's over. That I'll never hear from him again because now if he starts this thing with her, he won't miss me, he wouldn't even want anything to do with me. He's rebounding. I just want to scream and cry. Thank god I left town. I don't know what I would do in that dark room. I feel like I'm being punished. All the times I left him for a few days at a time and even the time I left for a month and a half. He was at home with the children. I remember him saying I do this because I know he's at home with the children and that I don't know what I put him through. Now i am experiencing that exact thing. I see this as the end of us. He's not even second guessing this. Someone tell me how to stop this feeling.

[boltnrun]

Please don't cancel your therapy appointment. I think only a therapist can help with your obsessive, circular thinking.

 

I have OCD with intrusive thoughts, and what I do is tell myself "OK, that is an intrusive, obsessive thought. It is not based in reality". It's a form of CBT.

 

Perhaps your therapist can help with CBT or other exercises.

[Ksol9]

I'm so broken. Thankfully it's the weekend. I have a couple days to get myself together. I have businesses to run. My father depends on me. I'm always having personal problems every three months. It impacts my performance and right now I'm feeling a way I've never felt before. I feel stripped of hope. I feel completely lost. I'm away from home and to be honest, I don't feel like returning. I haven't slept. I woke up around 3am and have been up since. Im sure that is impacting my thoughts right now.

 

I know I'm doing this to myself. For some reason I'm too weak to control myself right now. I don't know what it is about finding out he was out of town that just pushed me over the edge. That just completely devastated me. I don't know what I'd be doing if I was still at home. Probably drowning.

 

I'm so depressed. I feel like I lost my life. The children are gone. That family is just gone. He doesn't know what I'm going through. I feel it in my chest. I saw this destruction coming. I saw it coming and did nothing about it. Now he hates me and is pursuing someone else. I am going through the worst part of this process right? I really hope it doesn't get worse than this. Please tell me it gets better from here.

 

Why am I not strong enough to block this out of my mind?

[lostlove76]

Thank you Lostlove. I was waiting for you to write. You have been so kind and compassionate with me. I just don't know how to tell you how much I appreciate you for that. These breakups with this man have been some of my darkest moments. It has tested me to my very core and this is yet another day that I am fighting something very dark. I'm slipping into depression. I made it to Miami. Just stopped to get something to eat.

 

Thank you for putting everything into perspective for me. You somehow understand. As it all sank, it did cross my mind that we can't be sure he went to see her, but common sense would tell me that is what is going on. I remember when I left him because of the emails, I was in a state of shock and I couldn't function. I just wanted to run. I had to leave town for 2 days. Came back when my mind was in the right place. I would imagine the apartment is extremely lonely and empty. He is required to be there during the week for work. The weekend came around and he left town probably for the same reasons I left town during the times were apart. I didn't want to sit in the house staring at the walls with thoughts of him that haunted me every moment. I would also agree that I probably wouldn't worry much about what his was doing even while we were apart if i had a different impression of his moral character. I don't think highly of him in that regard because anytime we had a problem he was reaching out to another woman. This woman in particular has been along for the ride for the 2 years I've been with him. The minute I saw her on his friends list I already knew what was going to happen. I think I was just hoping he would reconsider before going that far. As it stands right now, I am just assuming, but based on his history, he is most likely spending time with her. I'm just crushed. I can't even think straight.

 

You're welcome, ksol. I do understand you, because we're the same. I know exactly what you're feeling right now, because I've felt it. And I know how much it sucks. I'm glad you got to Miami safely.

 

You are so correct in that the reason you're feeling this way and believing him to be with her is because of what you believe about his moral character. That's why you couldn't "let it go" and relax when you got back together after the second breakup. Deep down, you really just do not trust him. I think that part of that is due to your own issues, but it's also because of who HE is. If he had never turned to another woman, then we could say it's all your fault and your issues and you're the one who messed it up (unintentionally, of course). But this is NOT the case, because he DID betray your trust. So for someone who already is prone to worrying and anxiety, that just exacerbated it tenfold. It makes total sense that you couldn't relax and trust him.

 

Went off on a bit of a tangent there again. Back to what you believe of his character - you know what he's capable of, because he's shown you. My opinion, on the outside looking in and without all the love for him that clouds your vision, he really does have questionable morals. I'll say it over and over, but good normal people don't hook up with married folks. Even if it's an open marriage and is technically allowed, it's still just gross. Someone hooking up with a married woman is not looking for anything serious, and neither is she. This isn't something that's going to go anywhere good and solid with them. He'll always know that half of her belongs to her husband.

 

Even if he's not with her (and seriously, we really don't know that he is), I'm not sure it matters much. You're still having to experience all the same anxiety and depression and worry. You're still experiencing the realization that he is not a man of good morals. You're still feeling like he doesn't care and isn't thinking of you. No matter what he is or isn't doing or thinking, you're still going through all the same emotional torture. If he was a person of integrity and loyalty like you are, then you wouldn't be feeling this way. You wouldn't assume him to immediately run to someone else. The breakup would still hurt, but it wouldn't be like this.

 

I wish I knew how to tell you to feel better. It was an absolute nightmare when I went through it. Just try to focus on what it is that you're actually losing here, rather than idealizing him. IF he is with her, really just think about what that says of him. Just try to find acceptance that you don't know what he's actually doing right now, and you have no control over changing it. Whatever he's doing, it is what it is. If he's with her, it proves that your distrust was there for good reason. If he's not with her, it doesn't matter all that much, because you're still having to go through what you're feeling... and it still proves that you don't, and most likely would never, trust him. If he comes back, you can deal with those issues at that point, but for now just try to find some peace and acceptance in this being the best thing for you and your future.

 

I'm here for you, and I'll keep checking in.

[lostlove76]

I'm always having personal problems every three months. It impacts my performance

This is a good sign that this isn't the best relationship for you, no matter how much you want to be with him and make it work. If it was the right relationship, you wouldn't be having personal problems (due to breakups) every three months.

 

I know I'm doing this to myself. For some reason I'm too weak to control myself right now.

I saw it coming and did nothing about it. Now he hates me and is pursuing someone else.

Why am I not strong enough to block this out of my mind?

You're being way too hard on yourself! Of course you're feeling horrible right now. Anyone with genuine feelings would feel the exact same way. You're also blaming yourself for the end of things, and like I indicated in my above post, this is not accurate or helpful thinking. If he had never done anything wrong, then we could focus on it being all your fault and you having messed it all up. But that's not what happened. He turned to another woman, multiple times... a married woman, at that. He expected you to just "get over it" and move along - that'd be nice and easy for him, wouldn't it, if it could all just be swept under the rug? He broke up with you on two different occasions because he couldn't deal with things. He hasn't manned up and tried to fix things and save the relationship. This is NOT all your fault. You also can't blame yourself for being weak, or for causing your own self all this pain. You're a person with feelings and love and attachment, and it's perfectly normal to feel this way.

 

His carelessness is really making me angry at him right now, grrr. If I seem to be coming across kind of bluntly, that is why.

 

You don't deserve all this pain, ksol

[Ksol9]

Thank you lostlove. My friend has a couple things to do so I said I would stay home until she gets back. I don't know if that was the best idea. I need anything that will distract my mind right now. I'm really trying not to dramatize the whole situation, but no one really knows the suffering I'm doing on the inside. As you said, either way I don't know who he is with and what exactly he is doing. Just as when I first found the email, I swore up and down he had to have slept with her and to this day I'm still not sure if he did. I took his word and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now we are broken up, he can do what he wants and I'm sure he now has the opportunity to see her without any restrictions. I'm sure he is with her. He is still signing on Facebook pretty frequently. There have been no posts as he normally posts pictures. Yes, I'm still checking. He has been up since 4:30 this morning. It seems like he can't sleep. I don't know if he is just having a good time or if he is just going through something emotionally. My mom told me before the breakup, she kept telling me, take it easy ksol. Be kind to eachother..take care of eachother. He is going through a lot and he will go through a lot after the children leave. He won't be ok for a little while after.

 

Well if that is true, we are both suffering in our own way. I am suffering over the loss of this relationship and he is suffering over his children. I believe it is true that he just needed to get away. Whether to be with her or not, he didn't want to be home alone. I am not in peace. None at all. He would tell me that he could feel my pain when we were apart...I hope he can feel the pain this has caused me, but I just don't think he's thinking of me at all. I think he's just trying to have a good time. Such a shame we couldn't get through this together. I'll always carry guilt for that. That's neither here nor there...what's done is done.

 

I think you've given me something I need to focus on. I can't know for sure if he is with her and I have no control over anything he is doing. It is what it is. I think the best thing I can do is block this all out. I just feel very weak. If I thought the one or two months we separated was a long time..I'm in for a big surprise. At that time, he was forced to think about us..our relationship. Now he has distractions, he has someone else..he's gone for good. Gosh, let this be the last day I allow this to affect me this way.