Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Thank you lostlove for your posts. I just wanted to write a little since I woke up and haven't been able to go back to sleep. I'll respond thoroughly to what you wrote tomorrow when I have done more time.

 

As for Facebook, my guy went on only once around lunch time and the then the rest of the day and night nothing until around 2am. This is so very strange. He normally falls asleep early and doesn't wake up until the morning. He almost never stays awake past 1am and never gets on his phone past this time either. I don't know how I happened to see he was on. I think what I wrote earlier was a bit confusing. If I turn my chat off, I am unable to see anyone else. I did so temporarily. I turned it back on. It's strange that I can see he is active even though we are no longer friends. This is something new. Anyhow, I tried to take a small break and turned mine off. I don't think he is monitoring or has even noticed you can see when I'm online. We aren't friends so he thinks all I can see is his friends list if he posts anything not visible to the public.. I don't even think he is worrying about Facebook and what I can see or not see. He's barely on anymore and it's not a tool to subliminally hurt my feelings or let me know he's thinking of me anymore. I don't think I'm even on any radar of his mind. I don't even know if that makes sense. I just don't think he's even worrying about me..especially not in regards to Facebook. His posts have always been public. I don't think he has changed that. Then again, if he was posting about another woman, he would make sure it's not visible. I'm also almost fully certain he wouldn't do that so soon. His friends are almost all family and close friends, he wouldn't be posting about some random chock when just last week he was posting pictures of me. It will take some time and developing if he is starting something new with someone else. To see that he signed on around 2 am makes me really wonder. I immediately thought, maybe there is someone new in the picture that he may have there or maybe he was chatting with the married woman. She stays up pretty late at night. Or he could have just gotten up and couldn't go back to sleep so he hopped online. This is just crazy making and anyone reading this will probably think less of me, but I've been very honest with myself and everyone else. I still love him and I still want to be with him. I'm not acting on it by contacting him and maybe in time, if he doesn't ever contact me, I'll realize what he said is what he meant.

 

You brought up a good point about saying things you don't mean. You ignored your guy's call one too many times. I remember you saying that at one point he sent you a text saying he didn't know what more to do. He was apologetic, but you still ignored. You were mad even a couple of weeks later. I think his impression was that he tried and tried and that you had reached your breaking point and that you no longer wanted anything to do with. I still think he thinks that to this day. That's what it looks like from the outside. This is pretty much what happened with mine. We both left eachother with harsh words. We both left eachother with the impression that we want nothing to do with the other. Although one of my texts did say I loved him and would let him go if this is what he wanted, ultimately I told him I never wanted to see or hear from him ever again when I saw that he friended the married woman.

 

Your last post is actually exactly what my mom was talking to me about this evening. She asked if he had contacted me and I told her that she shouid know he hadn't. My mom knows he will carry this anger with whomever crosses him for quite some time and in that time he won't make contact. She just wanted to spark conversation I guess, but she did go on the explain that no matter how much he misses his children, no matter how much he dives his head in work, or whoever he is with to pass time, he HAS TO and WILL have to deal with everything that happened. She said..how did he choose to deal with all the stress that you guys were experiencing at the end..i.e. Children and relationship problems? She answered herself..she said he chose to drink, to ignore..he is sitting alone thinking about what it cost him. She told me to stop blaming myself because at the end of the day his decision to not deal with the conflict the right way is the reason he is living alone.

 

I know he is going through something. I know he isn't totally uneffected. His sleeping patterns are off. His daily routine is off. He isn't going on Facebook frequently like he normally does. I know something is off. I just don't know what and my mind goes straight for darkness. I automatically assume it another woman. It might not even be that way. I'll never know and I really should make a solid effort to change constantly trying to figure it out. for the most part of the day, I keep myself busy. I'm spending extended hours at the office, when I get home I'm doing laundry or something else to occupy myself. In the evening and into the night, I'm just in sorrow thinking he is with someone else. I didn't have those worries when the children were here. I knew he wouldn't start something new because the children restricted him. Now is a whole new balll game. What am I saying? He can do as he pleases. If he still loves me, he won't be able to make that go away no matter who he is with. I just don't want that kind of damage between us if we do meet again.

 

Does your guy go out to bars or anywhere to socialize during the week? Mine doesn't and there isn't much to do in the town we live in so I know mine isn't out. It's not his thing anyway. The reason why I ask is because you said he didn't sign on for the rest of night. I still can't get over how mine doesn't go on Facebook at all anymore. It's once or twice for a short time each day. It's just so strange of him. I wonder if me texting him about him friending the married woman made me look like a total stalker and maybe that prompted him to give Facebook a complete break in fear that anything he posted or any new friend he added would send me crazy? Lol truth is...I don't have the slightest clue what he is thinking or what he is going through. I feel like I don't even cross his mind.

 

I don't know what is going to happen..as you said, I just need to be patient with myself. I really just need to stand up straight and keep walking in the right direction. As of right now, I'm just feeling completely discouraged. I'm even thinking of cancelling my therapy appointment for next Tuesday. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. This weekend is going to be a total nightmare. I know I'll be thinking she is there or that he will be out looking for someone new. I better brace myself.

 

I'm writing longer than I should. I need to try to go back to sleep. Will be back later in the day to respond to some other things you said. Hope you're well. Try not to worry or let your mind run with this co worker or even the long distance ex. Both scenarios are not likely to be anything of significance.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove,

 

Hope you are well and that you got some good rest last night. Uninterrupted sleep for me is hard to come by. I wake up throughout the night unable to go back to sleep. I was up early and finished much of my work by 10:30. My dad didn't come in yet so I decided I would get some breakfast and then come back. I pulled onto the main road to head to a breakfast cafe downtown. He passed right by me heading in the opposite direction. I didn't turn my head to look because I didn't want him to see me looking. I know he was on his way home. He hasn't been on Facebook at all today, so I can conclude that he is home and just isn't signing on Facebook. He's definitely taking a break from it for whatever reason. I wonder if the reason for him taking a break is because he thinks I'm some kind of stalker who will react to anything I see on there? That is why there hasn't been any activity. lol I'm feeling all kinds of negative today.

 

It just occurred to me as I was typing that sentence that your guy is bound to have moments like this, during which he will inevitably think of you and your relationship. Since he's like me in the sense that he's not very social and he keeps to himself a lot, his mind will have a lot of time and free space to process things, even if he tries to avoid it with distractions. We know he did this during the last breakups, even though it felt to you like he didn't care. So I think you can be sure of that, at least, and grab onto that for some small bit of comfort.

 

I'm sure he may have moments where he thinks about it and processes what happened, but he is not a man to dwell on things. this time I don't think he is regretting his decision at all. When he drove past me today, I thought even further, there is no way he is going to go back on his decision. I think he will make a real effort to move on. My biggest fear is that he will now move into dating other women or just hooking up. My thoughts seem to be centered on that. Time will tell I guess. I will know that if much time has passed and still nothing from him, I can safely assume he is just living his life. As it is right now, nothing has compelled him to contact me to sort this out. I don't believe he regrets his decision. He is a man and he must already be chatting with other women..if not the married woman. He probably has plans to spend time with her this weekend since it is a long weekend. I am going to have serious anxiety this weekend. I just know it.

 

I know you feel like this is the end, the final breakup. But you felt like that the last times, as well, and it wasn't final end. I know he sounded like he was fed up and really meant it. I know you both said that this was the final try, and if it ended again, that was it. But you still want him back, even though you told him that. I still wish I could have mine back, even though I told him I was done for good. We don't always say what we mean, or mean what we say. And even if we fully mean it during frustration and the heat of the moment, minds and feelings can and do change.

 

I do feel this is the end. I did feel that way through the others, but its like each time we break up, the chances of us reconciling get less and less and this time, knowing the type of man he is, I don't see him giving this another go. I don't see him sucking up his pride to say he made a mistake and would like to try again. As a matter of fact, I think he dislikes me and I also think he is avoiding me. The day it all happened, he saw me sobbing and I was asking him why he was doing this to me (Im embarrassed about that). Then I sent those angry emotional texts the night I noticed he friended the married woman...from his perspective, he probably thinks I don't want to let him go. I don't know for sure this is how he feels, but that is just my impression if I were in his shoes. If he is hoping I save this thing, he will wait a while thinking I'll make contact because I didn't want to end the relationship, or maybe he'll eventually make contact himself, or maybe he is just avoiding anything and everything that has to do with me because he just wants to move on with his life.

 

History would say that he will contact you for reconciliation at some point. Same with mine, and he did try for a while. I do believe that the only reason he didn't continue trying was because trashy married woman swooped in. I know that yours also has a trashy married woman "on call," but it's a bit different. Mine's (not a word lol) was looking to move back to her home town, and here was this guy willing to give her a free place to live because he was newly infatuated. She was looking to escape her home life for whatever reason (because she felt bored and stagnant there, and needed to strut around the beach in her bikini and party and seek loads of attention). Yours's (also not a word) has an open relationship and probably isn't seeking to totally leave her husband. She just wants a side thing. This will ultimately be unfulfilling to him, if he does give it a go, and you will look like gold by comparison. Excitement and infatuation and shallow relations are only fun for so long before it grows old and gross. But as I've said before, this is completely hypothetical and only IF he starts something with her. I'm only laying it out because I know you're terrified that it will happen.

 

I'm thinking all kinds of negativity today. I hear and read about it all the time. People break up and try to move on so they date and sleep with others...only to return. I just wish there was a way communication would reopen between us soon, but I don't see that happening. Logically based on history, you could say he likely to make contact again, but he hasn't and it's already been a week. Emotions have settled by now. He must be really trying to make an effort to move on and that would also mean he is searching for a new love interest or something along those lines...this was also evidenced by him adding her on facebook the night he left town. Granted about a week has passed, emotions have simmered, and he's had some time to think. Still it's not enough for him to reach out to me. He is not feeling the loss enough to try to save this. He just threw it all away. I don't think there is any coming back from this one. I wanted to ask you..any of the times you and your guy broke up, was he ever so angry with you and that is why NC continued the length of time it did or were you the one who was upset and he would give you a few weeks to cool down?

 

Did he get back on fb at all tonight? Mine hasn't. [For the record, for anyone reading here, I do realize that he's no longer "mine", and it feels weird to call him that, but there is nothing else simple to call him since I can't say his name.]. Back when I was worrying so much that he would cheat or find someone else, he told me about a new girl that started at his work, and it raised a red flag with me. I found her on Facebook (of course), and she was married. I now see that in the past week or so, she's changed her married status to "complicated" - sigh, I know I shouldn't have even noticed this. Anyhow, that's what prompted my earlier thinking about how he'll ALWAYS have interests and flirtations and backups who are available, and I could never feel secure with him. If it's not one girl, it's another. I don't think your guy is this bad, at least. He's maybe 1/4th as bad. Or maybe even 1/10th as bad. But it's still a problem, which is why I'm torn between encouraging the relationship vs encouraging moving on. Guys these days just don't value monogamy like we do, which is very depressing.

 

I keep talking about this facebook thing because I think it's very significant. He is putting his focus into something or someone else. He is not doing what he normally does. That to me is a very bad sign. He isn't worrying about me and what I am doing like I am about him. I should be angry with him and I should have the same attitude that he does about the whole thing. I shouldn't want a thing to do with someone who can just throw what we had away just like that. It makes me feel like he never loved me...like it was all a lie. I'm even thinking that maybe since the children moved back with their mom, maybe he and her have gotten closer. Although I know she really dislikes him...circumstances change and feelings change. I shouldn't be thinking that way..I do hope they can work amicably together to co-parent. Who knows....my thoughts are all over the place and as you've told me many times, I will only think worst case scenario. I don't have the patience for this.

[lostlove76]

"I'm thinking all kinds of negativity today. I hear and read about it all the time. People break up and try to move on so they date and sleep with others...only to return. I just wish there was a way communication would reopen between us soon, but I don't see that happening. Logically based on history, you could say he likely to make contact again, but he hasn't and it's already been a week. Emotions have settled by now. He must be really trying to make an effort to move on and that would also mean he is searching for a new love interest or something along those lines...this was also evidenced by him adding her on facebook the night he left town. Granted about a week has passed, emotions have simmered, and he's had some time to think. Still it's not enough for him to reach out to me. He is not feeling the loss enough to try to save this. He just threw it all away. I don't think there is any coming back from this one. I wanted to ask you..any of the times you and your guy broke up, was he ever so angry with you and that is why NC continued the length of time it did or were you the one who was upset and he would give you a few weeks to cool down?"

 

Hi ksol. I'm on my phone, so I just chose one paragraph to respond to and I'll do the rest from my laptop in a bit. I can't even manage to get the above quote bolded, sorry about that. As I was reading this, it occurred to me that maybe he added the married woman as an automatic response, because it's how he's always dealt with things... but has since thought better of it. Maybe when you called him out on it, he realized how stupid and crappy it was and hasn't talked to her since. Maybe they never even talked at all, just added as friends. I'm really glad you can be honest about your Facebook monitoring, btw, because I know we're not the only ones who do it.

 

To answer your question: I don't have any clue what mine was feeling during that first breakup, when there was 2 months during which he flatly ignored all of my texts. I didn't understand why he was ignoring me like that. I even said that if he wanted me to leave him alone, just tell me. Not a word from him. I didn't know if he was mad, or thought I was crazy because I was texting so much, or enjoying the attention and control. I still don't know. The other times, I didn't reach out to him at all. I spouted off an angry text or two saying I was done, he didn't reply, and then it was complete silence on both ends (this was the time after I went through his phone, and then the time after he moved away). I know he wasn't mad. He really doesn't get mad, honestly. Or if he does, he certainly doesn't show it, and he forgives and gets over it immediately. When he called after the time I went through his phone, he said it was really hard for him to call - I asked why, and he said because he knew I hated him. When he called after the NC following his move, I think he said he thought I had found someone else and asked why I hadn't called. Other than that, I really don't know what he was thinking or feeling during the NC. But he probably was giving me time to cool off, to some extent. There were so many times I stubbornly refused to answer the phone. I did that SO many times while we were long-distance. Usually he would just keep trying to call, sometimes 10 times in a row, and I wouldn't answer because I was feeling hurt and upset with him. I was also trying to teach him a lesson, I think, and get him to commit more (not skip a night of calling, come get me to live with him).

 

I think I'm going off on a tangent though. We know your guy is stubborn, even when he's not mad. We know he takes forever to reach out. So I don't think we can at all conclude that he hates you right now. And as time passes, anger wears off. Sometimes mine just vanishes suddenly - I can be super pissed off at my mom, for example, and hold onto it for days; then suddenly, it just becomes tiring to hold onto it, and it all disappears and I wonder why I was even so mad in the first place. I will say that sometimes it still takes me a while to make amends, because I may be embarrassed, or I may feel like I'm going to get fussed at if I apologize. Your guy probably goes through that. He knows that if he reaches out to you, there's a high chance that you'll ignore it or give a cold or angry response. So I'm sure that it holds him back from reaching out. He knows that he tried to call, whether by accident or on purpose, and you didn't answer or call back. He knows that his texts about you getting your stuff, or about you taking the key (? I can't remember exactly what it was he was asking for right after the breakup) were ignored several times in a row. So from his shoes, he doesn't expect any sort of positive response if he did reach out. Just like one of the reasons why I refuse to ever reach out to mine - I fear a negative response or it being ignored, so I'm just not going to do it. My point is that while it feels like he wants to be done, we don't know what he's thinking and there may be other reasons why he is remaining silent.

 

Just throwing this out there as an idea, not a suggestion, but if you ever reach the point where you want to open the lines of communication instead of waiting on him to do it, all you would have to do is text in a neutral tone and say you found his wallet and thought he might need it back. It would break the ice and give him the opportunity to say something. He may not say anything other than respond about the wallet (in the same way you responded with the passwords that time), but he may. Just a thought.

 

I'll write some more in a little bit. I hope you're making it though the afternoon okay.

[lostlove76]

As for Facebook, my guy went on only once around lunch time and the then the rest of the day and night nothing until around 2am. This is so very strange. He normally falls asleep early and doesn't wake up until the morning. He almost never stays awake past 1am and never gets on his phone past this time either. I don't know how I happened to see he was on. I think what I wrote earlier was a bit confusing. If I turn my chat off, I am unable to see anyone else. I did so temporarily. I turned it back on. It's strange that I can see he is active even though we are no longer friends. This is something new. Anyhow, I tried to take a small break and turned mine off. I don't think he is monitoring or has even noticed you can see when I'm online. We aren't friends so he thinks all I can see is his friends list if he posts anything not visible to the public.. I don't even think he is worrying about Facebook and what I can see or not see. He's barely on anymore and it's not a tool to subliminally hurt my feelings or let me know he's thinking of me anymore. I don't think I'm even on any radar of his mind. I don't even know if that makes sense. I just don't think he's even worrying about me..especially not in regards to Facebook. His posts have always been public. I don't think he has changed that. Then again, if he was posting about another woman, he would make sure it's not visible. I'm also almost fully certain he wouldn't do that so soon. His friends are almost all family and close friends, he wouldn't be posting about some random chock when just last week he was posting pictures of me. It will take some time and developing if he is starting something new with someone else. To see that he signed on around 2 am makes me really wonder. I immediately thought, maybe there is someone new in the picture that he may have there or maybe he was chatting with the married woman. She stays up pretty late at night. Or he could have just gotten up and couldn't go back to sleep so he hopped online. This is just crazy making and anyone reading this will probably think less of me, but I've been very honest with myself and everyone else. I still love him and I still want to be with him. I'm not acting on it by contacting him and maybe in time, if he doesn't ever contact me, I'll realize what he said is what he meant.

I, of course, truly know just how you feel with all the facebook stuff. I know it all seems to mean something - whether he is off or on, when he gets on, how long he stays on, etc. I, too, wonder if mine has even noticed that he can see me online now (or if he even can; maybe he can't, if he deleted my number from his phone or doesn't have messenger synced with his contacts). I don't think guys are as obsessive about this as we are, and don't put as much stock into our facebook activity. You and I, we watch for them constantly, but they don't do that. They just go about their daily lives. They compartmentalize more easily than we do. If they're working, then they're working and that's it. If they're playing a video game, that's it. If you and I are working, we're also checking facebook to see if they're on. Women can do two, or ten, things at once, and men just focus on the task at hand. So perhaps he's just burying himself in work or video games as a distraction. Mine will have days when he's on all freaking day, and then days when he's not on at all (like today). I assume the worst either way, just like you're doing. I know it's hard not to. But we really have no clue what they're up to.

 

You brought up a good point about saying things you don't mean. You ignored your guy's call one too many times. I remember you saying that at one point he sent you a text saying he didn't know what more to do. He was apologetic, but you still ignored. You were mad even a couple of weeks later. I think his impression was that he tried and tried and that you had reached your breaking point and that you no longer wanted anything to do with. I still think he thinks that to this day. That's what it looks like from the outside. This is pretty much what happened with mine. We both left eachother with harsh words. We both left eachother with the impression that we want nothing to do with the other. Although one of my texts did say I loved him and would let him go if this is what he wanted, ultimately I told him I never wanted to see or hear from him ever again when I saw that he friended the married woman.

I really appreciate the outside perspective over what mine may have thought, because it's easy to just assume he doesn't care. I tend to dismiss the fact that he did keep trying for a while. I wrote what yours may be thinking in my previous post. I think we (or at least I know that I do this) assume that they will try and keep trying no matter how many cold or angry road blocks we throw up in their path. As women, we're told that if a guy wants to be with us, he will make it known. But how accurate is that, really? Surely our words and behaviors do have some effect on them. My dad constantly reminds me that I told him I wanted nothing more to do with him and not to ever call again. I hear him say it and immediately dismiss it because I feel like my (ex)guy should just KNOW that I want to hear from him, and if he cared, he would at least try. Same as you're feeling, pretty much, even though you do remind yourself of your words to him. My dad says, "maybe he believed you." And maybe he did. Maybe he does feel that I never want to hear from him again, when that is so opposite from the truth. I could imagine that your guy feels the same way, as I talked about in my last post.

 

She told me to stop blaming myself because at the end of the day his decision to not deal with the conflict the right way is the reason he is living alone.

Yes, exactly. I agree. He sends people away when he can't deal with conflict. He ignores it by distracting himself with other things. But like your mom said, no matter what he does to distract, his mind will inevitably drift back to the problems at hand and he will have to think about it.

 

Does your guy go out to bars or anywhere to socialize during the week? Mine doesn't and there isn't much to do in the town we live in so I know mine isn't out. It's not his thing anyway. The reason why I ask is because you said he didn't sign on for the rest of night. I still can't get over how mine doesn't go on Facebook at all anymore. It's once or twice for a short time each day. It's just so strange of him. I wonder if me texting him about him friending the married woman made me look like a total stalker and maybe that prompted him to give Facebook a complete break in fear that anything he posted or any new friend he added would send me crazy? Lol truth is...I don't have the slightest clue what he is thinking or what he is going through. I feel like I don't even cross his mind.

If he's kept the same routine, mine would always to the bar every night after work. There are many bars within walking distance of his place, so he would go out and usually stay until closing time (3am) and then go home and we would talk until the sun rose and he would go to sleep. By the time the bars close, he's wasted. I don't know if he's going out with the coworker, or calling the ex each night, or what. I still haven't seen him on all day today. I guess I don't even know his work schedule anymore and just assume that it's the same as it used to be.

 

I really don't think your guy thinks you're a crazy stalker. And if he does, who cares, because all guys think all girls are crazy. All (well, most) girls play detective and facebook stalk and get upset and suspicious about new female friends being added. Don't worry yourself about any of that. I've felt that way before, too (worried that I look crazy or like a stalker), but I've read things online written by girls who have gone much much farther than we have with things, and it makes me feel less crazy lol. You're seriously not doing anything out of the norm, I promise you.

 

As of right now, I'm just feeling completely discouraged. I'm even thinking of cancelling my therapy appointment for next Tuesday. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere.

I know this feeling, but I would encourage you to go ahead and go. You'll get something out of it. You'll be glad you went.

 

This weekend is going to be a total nightmare. I know I'll be thinking she is there or that he will be out looking for someone new. I better brace myself.

I know you're going to be really worried, and I feel for you. One day at a time.

 

Try not to worry or let your mind run with this co worker or even the long distance ex. Both scenarios are not likely to be anything of significance.

Thank you so much for this. I'm trying to feel that way, that it won't turn into anything serious with either of them. Oh, meant to tell you that the ex liked one of my posts yesterday. So she's not avoiding me or seeing me as the enemy or anything. It was just a random cute share about animals, nothing significant. My mind does keep imagining them talking a whole lot and getting super close and feelings developing again and all that stuff. Just ugh.

[lostlove76]

Hi lostlove,

 

Hope you are well and that you got some good rest last night. Uninterrupted sleep for me is hard to come by. I wake up throughout the night unable to go back to sleep. I was up early and finished much of my work by 10:30. My dad didn't come in yet so I decided I would get some breakfast and then come back. I pulled onto the main road to head to a breakfast cafe downtown. He passed right by me heading in the opposite direction. I didn't turn my head to look because I didn't want him to see me looking. I know he was on his way home. He hasn't been on Facebook at all today, so I can conclude that he is home and just isn't signing on Facebook. He's definitely taking a break from it for whatever reason. I wonder if the reason for him taking a break is because he thinks I'm some kind of stalker who will react to anything I see on there? That is why there hasn't been any activity. lol I'm feeling all kinds of negative today.

I very rarely get a good night sleep. Maybe once a week, twice at the most. It takes me forever to fall asleep, and then I wake up several more times, and can't fall back asleep at times. So I fully empathize. It's an awful problem to have, especially right now when you need sleep the most.

 

I think I said before, but maybe he's just keeping his chat turned off for some reason? I still don't know if they will show as Active Now if you open a message box with them, if they have their chat turned off and they aren't on your friend list (hope that makes sense). With a friend, you can still tell they're on by doing this, even if their chat is turned off. I've wondered if mine has his off when he's not showing up all day long. Anyways, it is at least a small possibility that he's on and just has his chat off most of the time. Or, another alternative - When I have a lot of my mind, I avoid talking to people as much as possible. If he's staying off facebook, maybe he's just feeling very antisocial right now.

 

I need to eat some dinner, but I'll be back to reply to the rest. I hope you're hanging in there.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I'm on my phone, so I just chose one paragraph to respond to and I'll do the rest from my laptop in a bit. I can't even manage to get the above quote bolded, sorry about that. As I was reading this, it occurred to me that maybe he added the married woman as an automatic response, because it's how he's always dealt with things... but has since thought better of it. Maybe when you called him out on it, he realized how stupid and crappy it was and hasn't talked to her since. Maybe they never even talked at all, just added as friends. I'm really glad you can be honest about your Facebook monitoring, btw, because I know we're not the only ones who do it.

 

I do hope you're right about this. What you said made me remember something, the first time he broke up with me...within the first few days, I remember being very emotional and angry. I sent a text to my ex. We chatted briefly about our lives...completely innocent. We never spoke again after that. I guess I just wanted to see how it felt to do what he did. I had no interest whatsoever in my ex and even more so after the short conversation, I had no interest in talking again. I was so in love with my guy that I was uninterested in anyone else and it remained that way for the entire time we were apart, but men can be dogs and women are women. With that being said, I guess you could be right. It could have been meaningless conversation because that is just what he does during conflict or after me calling him out on it, they may have never even spoken at all. You're doing a good job of highlighting me on how my mind automatically goes to worst case. Thank you for that because otherwise I would just continue thinking the very worst.

 

I think I'm going off on a tangent though. We know your guy is stubborn, even when he's not mad. We know he takes forever to reach out. So I don't think we can at all conclude that he hates you right now. And as time passes, anger wears off. Sometimes mine just vanishes suddenly - I can be super pissed off at my mom, for example, and hold onto it for days; then suddenly, it just becomes tiring to hold onto it, and it all disappears and I wonder why I was even so mad in the first place. I will say that sometimes it still takes me a while to make amends, because I may be embarrassed, or I may feel like I'm going to get fussed at if I apologize. Your guy probably goes through that. He knows that if he reaches out to you, there's a high chance that you'll ignore it or give a cold or angry response. So I'm sure that it holds him back from reaching out. He knows that he tried to call, whether by accident or on purpose, and you didn't answer or call back. He knows that his texts about you getting your stuff, or about you taking the key (? I can't remember exactly what it was he was asking for right after the breakup) were ignored several times in a row. So from his shoes, he doesn't expect any sort of positive response if he did reach out. Just like one of the reasons why I refuse to ever reach out to mine - I fear a negative response or it being ignored, so I'm just not going to do it. My point is that while it feels like he wants to be done, we don't know what he's thinking and there may be other reasons why he is remaining silent.

 

You wrote about the first time your guy did not answer your texts and calls for about 2 months. It was after that time, during off periods, you decided you wouldn't be the one to try to initiate communication ever again. That is pretty much what happened with me. The first break up taught me a very hard lesson. I was vulnerable and weak. I let him know how I felt and he still did not want to mend things until HE was ready and that happened almost 2 months after the breakup. I vowed to myself that I wouldn't make the same mistake. When I left him, he tried to make contact a few times for things unrelated to our relationship. He contacted about the children, ect. I still didn't initiate conversation about "us" until he did and that was on week 6, so youre right, he takes quite a bit of time to come around and I suppose it will take a lot of time this time as well. We both went NC right away and you are also correct that I did not respond to any text messages he sent afterwards about picking up my belongings. My last messages to him were not nice at all. I blatantly said I did not want to ever see or speak to him ever again. I didn't mean any of it...I swear I didn't. As you've pointed out, I can absolutely see why he wouldn't reach out because he most likely feels he will not get a positive response. There are also some other factors....my family. He knows how involved my family is. He was very afraid of the response he would get from them when we got back together this time. He wouldn't even come visit my parents until the holidays and I saw the fear in him when he finally did sit with my parents. He knows this is no way to conduct ourselves in a relationship. It's annoying to everyone on the outside that we don't know how to resolve our problems. It is constant heartache and my parents are tired of seeing me go through that. I think that is another factor for why he would be hesitant to contact me again. I just remembered my sister's baby shower is on Feb 11th. That makes me so sad to think he won't be there.

 

I just thought of something regarding your guy. You have mentioned a few times that I could consider reaching out to my guy. There are many times throughout the day that I think to myself how ridiculous it is for us to be going through this. It's childish to me and such a waste of time. We pass eachother on the road like stranger, yet we think of eachother and miss eachother. Well that was from both previous breakups. Now might be a different story, but what I'm trying to say is that, I know youve vowed not to ever contact your guy after the first time you guys broke up, when he wouldn't answer, but so much time has now gone by. Do you think you've reached a place to reach out just to say hi. I truly think your dad is right...your guy finally believed you when you wouldn't answer and rejected him. We are all human and we all have a limit. It's emotionally torturous trying to get through to someone you love and they reject you. Eventually even the most determined would stop. He has since tried to move on with his life and has yet to find himself in a stable long term relationship. Before even doing so, I wonder if you are ready and in a position to handle whatever happens? I know you would much rather him come to a realization that he loves you still and comes looking for you, but what if you built that wall so high that he felt he was unable to climb it and just tried to move on for the sake of his own self respect and sanity? Don't get me wrong, I totally agree with you. He is a man and he is supposed to make this right regardless of who is right or wrong. I feel the same way about my guy and after both breakups, I still feel it ultimately best to wait for him to come forward. In your situation, your guy did come back..again and again, only to be rejected. I never had the opportunity to reject mine and so if I were in his shoes, I would definitely conclude..I need to leave lostlove alone..shes fed up and tired of me. So...on his way he went. I not suggesting..just wondering. Food for thought. I'm sure youve explored the idea.

 

Yes, exactly. I agree. He sends people away when he can't deal with conflict. He ignores it by distracting himself with other things. But like your mom said, no matter what he does to distract, his mind will inevitably drift back to the problems at hand and he will have to think about it.

 

Very powerful statement you made in bold. That about sums it all up. I don't take what he does personal. I've seen him do this to many even his own child. At the same time, if he will do this to his child....who am I? Absolutely no one. That is why I don't believe he will come around. I would like to believe he is burying himself in his man cave, playing videos games profusely, but I don't know that he is or isn't. He is a person who values his alone time and has submerged himself in video games during both breakups, but the children are no longer there...there are infinite other things he can be doing to occupy his time. Especially so if he had definitely made up him mind to forget about me. I wish I had some sort of idea on how he feels about me at the moment.

 

Thank you so much for this. I'm trying to feel that way, that it won't turn into anything serious with either of them. Oh, meant to tell you that the ex liked one of my posts yesterday. So she's not avoiding me or seeing me as the enemy or anything. It was just a random cute share about animals, nothing significant. My mind does keep imagining them talking a whole lot and getting super close and feelings developing again and all that stuff. Just ugh.

 

I think you should rest assure that nothing serious is going on with them. I don't even think they talk regularly. Sometimes after alot of time has passed, people forgive, anything bad that happened is all water under the bridge. I think one of them added the other and they probably didn't even talk. If they did, it was light conversation..nothing more. I really don't think there is anything to worry about. IF they were starting anything beyond friendly meaningless talk, you would see signs of it. She would either post things and she wouldn't like any of your posts. I don't believe you have anything to worry about there. It's so funny how facebook can make or break relationships. I was talking about that with my therapist during my last visit.

 

My guy didn't go on all day. He finally signed on around 5:30. There was a post of a video of a man expertly riding one of those mechanical horses they have in bars. lol I forget what that is called. Anyhow, rather than a simple like...he clicked on the crying emoji. lol. Other than that, he hasn't been on all day. This entire week, he has been going on facebook on average once or twice a day and not for long periods of time, whereas before, he would be on for long periods of time once every hours. I still find this extremely strange, but I've got to find a way to not let my worries drift too far out of control.

 

There is nothing I can do about the current situation between us. He hurt me by ending the relationship. He should be the one to come forward. This wasn't my choice. I may have acted wrongly. I may have treated him poorly, but breaking up was not on the table until he made the rash decision to end things. You are right that anger settles and even goes away with time, but I fear that as his anger settles, as it may have already, I fear I still won't hear a word from him. I worry that this relationship has had its run in his mind and that as an adult, he realized this is not how he wants to live his life. I dont know why I keep going back and forth about this in my mind.

 

Enjoy dinner.

[lostlove76]

Hi, on my phone again...

 

"I do hope you're right about this. What you said made me remember something, the first time he broke up with me...within the first few days, I remember being very emotional and angry. I sent a text to my ex. We chatted briefly about our lives...completely innocent. We never spoke again after that. I guess I just wanted to see how it felt to do what he did. I had no interest whatsoever in my ex and even more so after the short conversation, I had no interest in talking again. I was so in love with my guy that I was uninterested in anyone else and it remained that way for the entire time we were apart, but men can be dogs and women are women. With that being said, I guess you could be right. It could have been meaningless conversation because that is just what he does during conflict or after me calling him out on it, they may have never even spoken at all. You're doing a good job of highlighting me on how my mind automatically goes to worst case. Thank you for that because otherwise I would just continue thinking the very worst."

 

Ahh, ya know, I just had to stop right here and reply to this because I have done the same thing too! See, it's helpful when we can think of times when we've done similar, and think back on our own thought processes while we were doing it. There were many times when I was upset with my guy that I reached out to some other guy - twice to long-lost exes who I cared nothing about anymore. I was just trying to distract myself and find some way to feel better. One ex even suggested meeting up a few times (I talked to him maybe four or five times, for a few minutes each time), and I just wasn't the least bit interested. We just kind of quit talking, even though he's remained on my friends list. The other ex, I added to Facebook and we exchanged one message each and that was it. That was a year and a half ago or so, and we never talked again. Then there were times during our "off" periods where I went on dating sites, desperately looking for some way to help the pain go away. I chatted with people, some extensively, but never met anyone and never felt anything for anyone. If anything, it just made me miss mine more because no one was as funny as him or as smart as him, no one made me feel the same level of comfort. I eventually realized that what I was trying to do just wasn't going to work, so I stopped trying. When he was being so noncommittal, I had hoped to find someone else I liked who would make me forget about him. Again, it never worked. (And for the record, I never used anyone. What usually happened is that I ended up telling them I wasn't over someone, and they were always kind and understanding about it and even talked with me about it, so no harm done.). But yeah, this is good, us remembering these things, because it makes you (and me too, in my situation) realize that things aren't always what they appear.

[Ksol9]

Hi, on my phone again...

 

"I do hope you're right about this. What you said made me remember something, the first time he broke up with me...within the first few days, I remember being very emotional and angry. I sent a text to my ex. We chatted briefly about our lives...completely innocent. We never spoke again after that. I guess I just wanted to see how it felt to do what he did. I had no interest whatsoever in my ex and even more so after the short conversation, I had no interest in talking again. I was so in love with my guy that I was uninterested in anyone else and it remained that way for the entire time we were apart, but men can be dogs and women are women. With that being said, I guess you could be right. It could have been meaningless conversation because that is just what he does during conflict or after me calling him out on it, they may have never even spoken at all. You're doing a good job of highlighting me on how my mind automatically goes to worst case. Thank you for that because otherwise I would just continue thinking the very worst."

 

Ahh, ya know, I just had to stop right here and reply to this because I have done the same thing too! See, it's helpful when we can think of times when we've done similar, and think back on our own thought processes while we were doing it. There were many times when I was upset with my guy that I reached out to some other guy - twice to long-lost exes who I cared nothing about anymore. I was just trying to distract myself and find some way to feel better. One ex even suggested meeting up a few times (I talked to him maybe four or five times, for a few minutes each time), and I just wasn't the least bit interested. We just kind of quit talking, even though he's remained on my friends list. The other ex, I added to Facebook and we exchanged one message each and that was it. That was a year and a half ago or so, and we never talked again. Then there were times during our "off" periods where I went on dating sites, desperately looking for some way to help the pain go away. I chatted with people, some extensively, but never met anyone and never felt anything for anyone. If anything, it just made me miss mine more because no one was as funny as him or as smart as him, no one made me feel the same level of comfort. I eventually realized that what I was trying to do just wasn't going to work, so I stopped trying. When he was being so noncommittal, I had hoped to find someone else I liked who would make me forget about him. Again, it never worked. (And for the record, I never used anyone. What usually happened is that I ended up telling them I wasn't over someone, and they were always kind and understanding about it and even talked with me about it, so no harm done.). But yeah, this is good, us remembering these things, because it makes you (and me too, in my situation) realize that things aren't always what they appear.

 

I wonder if the reasons why we did it, is what was behind them doing it during times of conflict. That was the only time I ever reached out to another man. I don't know what I even expected from it. After that I never bothered to speak to another man in that way nor have I done any dating sites or clubs to meet other men. I just know from that one time I spoke to my ex that I wasn't interested. It actually just made me feel worse because I wasn't over my guy. I was so in love with him and missed him so much that I wouldn't even waste my time trying to pursue another relationship whether or be casual or whatever. I have one male friend that I talk to. He's supportive and I talk about my situation mostly, but even at times I don't feel like talking to him. I guess men are not wired the way we are. Men can pursue another woman just after a breakup.

 

I guess we're all human. I don't think my guy has feelings for this married woman, I think she continues to wait for him and is readily available on a string not only because she has zero morals as a married woman, but also my guy continually reached out to her on numerous occasions when we had problems. This is why on and off relationships are so messy and dirty. My guy does not come off as this player type or womanizer...nothing like that. I just think he is careless. He doesn't know how to communicate and so as a woman, I felt like he didn't care about me. He didn't treat me as a woman he loves. I don't deserve that. As a result of the way he made me feel, I started treating poorly due to built up anger and resentment. You know what happened from there. It was a domino effect. I wonder if he realizes that?

 

As I write I'm remembering how he concluded that I was just an insecure woman who never trusted him and as a result our relationship would never get better. That may be true, but if he was a person of integrity and some who takes accountability for his actions, he would sit and think about what he did to contribute to those things. I would say that's pretty manipulative of him to make it all out to be me...this insecure and needy woman. It takes two and I recognize my faults as well as his. There are just some people who never realize what they do and they will never change because of that. Everyone on this board who is aware of my story has recognized that this man has not shown any indication of change. On his behalf, I will say he tried. I may have made it pretty difficult for him at times. I think we both did not have the tools to work together. He gave up on me...something I would never do.

 

He went on Facebook a couple times afterward. He shared a memory from 2 years ago. A picture of him and the fish he caught. I smiled when I saw it. There are so many great things about him. He likes to fish, he's not a trouble maker. Just a hard working guy who enjoys the simpler things in life. He's not into the lime light...muchlike most of the bad boys I usually date. He's just an easy going guy who doesn't know how to communicate...lol. I don't know which is easier to deal with.

 

My father said something to me that I will take with me for the rest of my life.

 

He said..ksol, you know what is most important when you look for someone to share your life with...not trust, not communication. Of course those things are vital and important. Those things come secondary to respect. You have to be with someone who respects you first. That is above all. You must respect yourself. How else is a man supposed to respect you if you don't respect yourself.

 

I spoke about this with my therapist. See lostlove, you found that your self respect is more important that reaching out to your guy. You would rather keep your self respect, self worth, and dignity than to reach out to a man who has walked away. I understand there are things that may complicate the matter, but this is how I feel about my guy. How is he going to respect me if I go to him begging and pleading, not literally, but in better words, just to keep him? That is why I've decided, just like you have that it's best to just let it go. If it comes back..it's mine.

 

Tomorrow is Friday. I am just dreading the thought that this is probably the first of many weekends I'll be terrified that another woman is going to be there with him. Although it has crossed my mind that he doesn't have those intentions because he has yet to ask me for the gate transponder. Then again, who the heck am I? He is not obligated to me and he probably could care less if I go there and see him with another woman's car in the driveway.

 

I don't know how this relationship turned into an on and off relationship. This is the sole reason I am having all these thoughts..because we've broken up and gotten back together so many times. Our relationships were similar in that sense and so I believe that why you and I both have been doing the same things with Facebook and such...aside from thinking so much alike.

[Ms Darcy]

I know I can't convince you guys of anything reasonable. But, I would strongly suggest you stop calling your ex boyfriends "my guy." It's a small thing, but it's a thing that is keeping you tied to them in your mind.

[lostlove76]

I know I can't convince you guys of anything reasonable. But, I would strongly suggest you stop calling your ex boyfriends "my guy." It's a small thing, but it's a thing that is keeping you tied to them in your mind.

 

I understand your point. That's why I explained why I keep calling him "mine" - I know he is no longer mine, but I seriously don't know what else to call him here since we don't use names. Typing exboyfriend over and over again sounds tedious. And ksol's actually was still her guy just a week ago. Also, they remain our guys in our hearts. Not at all trying to be disagreeable, and I do understand your point. Just explaining why I use those terms. I know it probably sounds a bit weird.

[lostlove76]

Hi again. I got so sleepy earlier that I could barely hold my eyes open. I hope you've already drifted off to sleep, and at least get a few good hours.

 

You wrote about the first time your guy did not answer your texts and calls for about 2 months. It was after that time, during off periods, you decided you wouldn't be the one to try to initiate communication ever again. That is pretty much what happened with me. The first break up taught me a very hard lesson. I was vulnerable and weak. I let him know how I felt and he still did not want to mend things until HE was ready and that happened almost 2 months after the breakup. I vowed to myself that I wouldn't make the same mistake. When I left him, he tried to make contact a few times for things unrelated to our relationship. He contacted about the children, ect. I still didn't initiate conversation about "us" until he did and that was on week 6, so youre right, he takes quite a bit of time to come around and I suppose it will take a lot of time this time as well. We both went NC right away and you are also correct that I did not respond to any text messages he sent afterwards about picking up my belongings. My last messages to him were not nice at all. I blatantly said I did not want to ever see or speak to him ever again. I didn't mean any of it...I swear I didn't. As you've pointed out, I can absolutely see why he wouldn't reach out because he most likely feels he will not get a positive response. There are also some other factors....my family. He knows how involved my family is. He was very afraid of the response he would get from them when we got back together this time. He wouldn't even come visit my parents until the holidays and I saw the fear in him when he finally did sit with my parents. He knows this is no way to conduct ourselves in a relationship. It's annoying to everyone on the outside that we don't know how to resolve our problems. It is constant heartache and my parents are tired of seeing me go through that. I think that is another factor for why he would be hesitant to contact me again. I just remembered my sister's baby shower is on Feb 11th. That makes me so sad to think he won't be there.

 

I just thought of something regarding your guy. You have mentioned a few times that I could consider reaching out to my guy. There are many times throughout the day that I think to myself how ridiculous it is for us to be going through this. It's childish to me and such a waste of time. We pass eachother on the road like stranger, yet we think of eachother and miss eachother. Well that was from both previous breakups. Now might be a different story, but what I'm trying to say is that, I know youve vowed not to ever contact your guy after the first time you guys broke up, when he wouldn't answer, but so much time has now gone by. Do you think you've reached a place to reach out just to say hi. I truly think your dad is right...your guy finally believed you when you wouldn't answer and rejected him. We are all human and we all have a limit. It's emotionally torturous trying to get through to someone you love and they reject you. Eventually even the most determined would stop. He has since tried to move on with his life and has yet to find himself in a stable long term relationship. Before even doing so, I wonder if you are ready and in a position to handle whatever happens? I know you would much rather him come to a realization that he loves you still and comes looking for you, but what if you built that wall so high that he felt he was unable to climb it and just tried to move on for the sake of his own self respect and sanity? Don't get me wrong, I totally agree with you. He is a man and he is supposed to make this right regardless of who is right or wrong. I feel the same way about my guy and after both breakups, I still feel it ultimately best to wait for him to come forward. In your situation, your guy did come back..again and again, only to be rejected. I never had the opportunity to reject mine and so if I were in his shoes, I would definitely conclude..I need to leave lostlove alone..shes fed up and tired of me. So...on his way he went. I not suggesting..just wondering. Food for thought. I'm sure youve explored the idea.

 

I feel just as you do about not reaching out to mine, for the same exact reasons (except for family, that doesn't really apply in my case). I'm 99% sure that I will never, for the rest of my life, ever reach out to him. Half of that is for all the reasons you named. I learned my lesson that first time, during the two months of being ignored. Just like you said about yours, it has to be his idea. Also, if he were the one reaching out, then I would know he meant it. The other half of my reasoning is just simple stubbornness and pride. I would never give him the satisfaction of showing that I still care. He hurt me far too much for me to give that to him. I would reciprocate if he said or showed care first, slowly and carefully, but I would never initiate it. Your points are good ones, though, and if he were a different type of person then I do believe I would consider it. Have you heard that Brooks and Dunn song that goes: "It's my belief pride is the chief cause in the decline in the number of husbands and wives." So so true! Also what you said, "Before even doing so, I wonder if you are ready and in a position to handle whatever happens?" I know that I'm in too fragile a place to be able to handle any rejection or disappointment. This is of course something you also need to ask yourself if you ever get an urge to make contact.

 

I think you should rest assure that nothing serious is going on with them. I don't even think they talk regularly. Sometimes after alot of time has passed, people forgive, anything bad that happened is all water under the bridge. I think one of them added the other and they probably didn't even talk. If they did, it was light conversation..nothing more. I really don't think there is anything to worry about. IF they were starting anything beyond friendly meaningless talk, you would see signs of it. She would either post things and she wouldn't like any of your posts. I don't believe you have anything to worry about there. It's so funny how facebook can make or break relationships. I was talking about that with my therapist during my last visit.

Thank you so much for this. It's a comforting thought, and definitely possible. I'm going to try not to be too bothered about it unless I do see some sign that they're getting close. I was hoping that maybe she would say something to me about it, but she hasn't. The last time she and I chatted was in May of last year.

 

My guy didn't go on all day. He finally signed on around 5:30. There was a post of a video of a man expertly riding one of those mechanical horses they have in bars. lol I forget what that is called. Anyhow, rather than a simple like...he clicked on the crying emoji. lol. Other than that, he hasn't been on all day. This entire week, he has been going on facebook on average once or twice a day and not for long periods of time, whereas before, he would be on for long periods of time once every hours. I still find this extremely strange, but I've got to find a way to not let my worries drift too far out of control.

 

Mine didn't get on at all today, not a single time. I wasn't watching every single second of the day, so it's possible he hopped on without my seeing, but I don't think so. At least yours finally did get on, so you know that at that time, at least, he wasn't with anyone. He was by himself, randomly liking something. I saw in the post below that he also got on a couple more times. It's hard not to wonder what they're doing while they aren't on, or why they've changed their pattern, I know. And we figure there has to be some big meaning behind it. But a lot of people do take breaks from facebook, for various reasons. I've even seen a lot of people actually state (in a post) that they're going to take a break, lol. Actually, I see that all the time, come to think of it. And then they actually do take a break, or they're back in an hour or two. There are so many possibilities for why he isn't getting on as much, and another woman would be way at the bottom of the list. I know it's hard not to concern yourself with it. I used to get really really anxious when mine wasn't getting on, back when we were together and right at the beginning of our breaks. Now, it still makes me feel agitated, if I'm going to be truthful about it. It even affects my mood. But I don't worry and worry about what he could be doing like I used to. So much time has passed that I just accept that there's no possible way for me to know what he's up to. This is all very fresh for you, though, so it's understandable that it's bothering you.

[lostlove76]

As a result of the way he made me feel, I started treating poorly due to built up anger and resentment. You know what happened from there. It was a domino effect. I wonder if he realizes that?

 

As I write I'm remembering how he concluded that I was just an insecure woman who never trusted him and as a result our relationship would never get better. That may be true, but if he was a person of integrity and some who takes accountability for his actions, he would sit and think about what he did to contribute to those things. I would say that's pretty manipulative of him to make it all out to be me...this insecure and needy woman. It takes two and I recognize my faults as well as his. There are just some people who never realize what they do and they will never change because of that.

 

I do think that men, in general, are less likely to think about things like that and accept accountability. They just don't think as deeply about things as we do. I can't say all men - some actually do recognize their faults and understand their role in conflicts and the demise of relationships. But men, as a rule, are less mature than us, and less introspective.

 

As I'm typing this, mine just got on for the first time today. Sigh. Yes, I have my phone sitting right beside my laptop with my chat list open. Yes, everyone reading here, I know how ridiculous that sounds. It's just so easy to look. It takes zero effort. If it involved getting in the car and driving past his house every time, I wouldn't be doing it at all. But it's just as easy to look as it is not to look, so I do. He didn't stay on long. On and right back off.

 

He said..ksol, you know what is most important when you look for someone to share your life with...not trust, not communication. Of course those things are vital and important. Those things come secondary to respect. You have to be with someone who respects you first. That is above all. You must respect yourself. How else is a man supposed to respect you if you don't respect yourself.

 

I spoke about this with my therapist. See lostlove, you found that your self respect is more important that reaching out to your guy. You would rather keep your self respect, self worth, and dignity than to reach out to a man who has walked away. I understand there are things that may complicate the matter, but this is how I feel about my guy. How is he going to respect me if I go to him begging and pleading, not literally, but in better words, just to keep him? That is why I've decided, just like you have that it's best to just let it go. If it comes back..it's mine.

 

Your dad's point is a really good one, and I agree with everything you're saying here. And ya know what's different about you and this married woman?? He can't possibly RESPECT her. 1) She's married, and clearly lacks morals or else she wouldn't be going outside her marriage, open or not. 2) She's a partier, a flirt, and an attention-seeker. 3) As you said, she's always there at the ready whenever he calls. She's easy. Men don't respect that.

 

Now mine has gotten back on. He might be working night shift. He would have either had the day off, gotten off at midnight, or started working at midnight. Mostly I'm just mildly curious at this moment, not really fretting about what he's doing, although that certainly has not always been the case. I guess just a few short days ago I was stressing about whether he was on talking to the ex.

 

I don't know how this relationship turned into an on and off relationship. This is the sole reason I am having all these thoughts..because we've broken up and gotten back together so many times. Our relationships were similar in that sense and so I believe that why you and I both have been doing the same things with Facebook and such...aside from thinking so much alike.

 

I totally agree. The on/off nature of it has taught us to wait and wonder and disect everything, rather than accepting that it's over like we would if there was just one relationship and one breakup instead of all this back and forth and on and off stuff. It's soul-destroying to go through this again and again. Some girls can handle the off periods, but it devastates you and I. The ones who can handle it are those who are less serious to begin with.

 

I see that you're on, so I guess you're not sleeping peacefully right now I'm going to lay down in a few and try to sleep, although I know it'll take me forever. Once I close my laptop and I'm laying down, I won't be able to type any long responses; but I'll read if you write anything and reply tomorrow. I know you're worried about how you're going to feel this weekend, but just take it as it comes. I'll be here

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove, I finally got some sleep. I just woke up a little bit ago. I needed some sleep so desperately that I took 3 Tylenol pm sleep aids. I woke up once around 12 and couldn't keep my eyes open to open to even type. I know this weekend I won't be getting much sleep at all. I thought about going out of town this weekend to visit friends, but I'm just not up for it. I want to sit at home. I don't want to be around anyone or do anything.

 

With all this talk about Facebook, I thought about something. He also has an Instagram account that he began using right before he contacted me this last time. He stopped using it when I had a little issue with his activity on there. He hasn't been on there since and still hasn't. I know anyone reading will say I shouldn't be keeping up with this stuff but I just can't help it. Anyhow, I think if he were chatting with this married woman or anyone else for that matter, I think he would be on and off Facebook regularly. I've been watching for him to sign on just as you have. He could still very well be chatting with or texting or whatever, but I don't think it's for long hours and that's all his focus is. It's very likely he is playing video games. When he gets into that game with his headphones on, he isn't thinking or worrying about anything or anyone. If he gets off it's to smoke a cigarette, talk to the children, or eat. I thought if it were just a day or two sporadically he didn't sign on then maybe I could think he was out of town or was with someone else, but this has been like this all week. He is definitely preoccupied doing something and I know he is at home. I'm typing this and I feel ridiculous because it shouldn't matter what he is doing. Part of me feels like if he comes back, at least I would have an idea. Just like I have an idea that he may have gotten into contact with the married woman. Even that night he added her. That was done out of sheer anger and spite. If he wanted to see her or just wanted to talk, he could have unblocked and messaged her for her number. Instead he may have messaged her but added her as well. He straight up lied to me when I brought it to his attention that I saw he friended her. He deleted her and said he didn't know what I was talking about. My point is, I will never know for sure what is going on between them until I see clues of it somewhere. I don't believe she saw him during his stay in Tampa although it's very possible. There is probably communication between them and it may lead to her coming to see him. I just don't know and it makes me sick to think it could happen. I've got to find a healthier way to handle this. This weekend is going to be sheer hell I just know it. If he's sitting at home playing video games, his Facebook pattern will be the same as it is now.

 

whatever he is doing with his time, I don't think he's taking the time to think about the situation with me. He isn't missing me. He doesn't care. His decision was final and it just seems like he completely hates me.

 

As for it being his idea to initiate contact, I think as the days go by, I'm sure that my decision to let it go is the right one. I need to be sure it was his choice to contact me. I know that it would be a well thought out decision. During the relationship I began to feel like it was all my effort..like he didn't care about me. I don't know what I'm saying..my thoughts are all over the place. I bet my post sounds like a big jumbled mess. I need to stand up straight and get myself together. This happened. He's gone and there is no telling what he is doing, thinking, or if he's coming back. I have to use this time wisely to focus on myself. He was so mean to me those last few days before the breakup and even afterwards...just down right mean. I don't need to have feelings for someone like that.

 

I'm going to try to get a little more rest before I get up to get ready for work. I don't know what this weekend will bring but I'll take it as it comes (just as you said). Thanks for always supporting me lostlove. Hope you are doing ok.

[browneyedgirl36]

Just jumping in here to offer this: I know you know that constantly monitoring his online activity (or lack thereof) is not healthy and not a good idea, but I also know you're going to do it anyway, so just a couple of things to keep in mind: 1) Just because he is or isn't online doesn't mean he is or is not talking to someone. What I mean is, if he IS on Facebook all day, that doesn't mean he's chatting up some woman 24/7. Likewise, if he's NOT on Facebook all day, that doesn't mean he's living like a monk. I once had a friend message me on FB at around 5:00 a.m. saying, "Ah, I see you're turning into an early bird -- or an insomniac -- like me." She thought that because I showed as being "online" on FB chat, that meant I was awake. The thing is, I wasn't -- I was sound asleep and didn't see her message until over two hours later! I'm not sure why/how that happens, but it happens a lot. My fiancee and I will be sitting on the couch together -- me on FB on my computer, and him just sitting there, NOT on FB, and FB will show that he's active on chat. He's even commented on how strange that is. Just something to consider. I'm not sure if there's a way to be on FB without people being able to tell, but I know you can turn off chat so that people can't tell you're on (I've done that a few times when I wanted to be able to browse FB but didn't feel like chatting with a few chatty friends who tend to want to talk all the time).

 

My point is: You can't know what someone is or isn't doing based on when he or she appears to be on or offline. I once had a guy pursuing me, and he (unbeknownst to me at the time) had a live-in girlfriend! Somehow, though, he still managed to not only chat with me online at various times (I'm guessing she was either there and asleep or at work), but also call me at times, from his home landline phone! (I know it was his landline because that number showed on my caller ID). One time when he called me from his landline, I thought I heard a car running -- he was calling me, from his driveway! He played it off at the time -- "Oh, I'm working on my car...blah blah blah," but looking back, once I found out he actually lived with a woman, I realized she was probably there, and that's why he was calling me from his car, sitting in his driveway. (Yeah, he was a real piece of work, and once I found out what was going on, I wrote him a VERY pointed e-mail telling him how dishonest he was and letting him know I wanted no part of it.)

 

I'm not saying your ex is out chasing down women or chatting up exes or others -- not at all. I'm just saying, the energy you're putting into analyzing his online behavior (or lack thereof) has to be exhausting for you, and it's really a waste of your time. I realize this is all very fresh, and I'm not trying to be hard on you, but can you consider stepping away from Facebook, even for a day, and not focusing on it? It will be hard, at first, but it's worth a try.

 

2) An observation: All this analysis of his online activities points to lack of trust on your part (and you have every right NOT to trust him, based on your past experiences). If you did trust him, you wouldn't feel compelled to check on what he's doing online; there would be no suspicions to either confirm or refute. You'd still be thinking of him, of course, but I don't think you'd feel so compelled to monitor his online activity if you really, truly knew you could trust him. If, hypothetically, he came back tomorrow, or next week, and wanted to fix things, do you really think you could trust him yet again? Do you think you'd suddenly be OK with everything and that you could work things out? Or would things go down exactly as they have before? I think that, if you are ever to be with him again (and I'd really have to question whether it was a good idea, given the history of your relationship) A LOT of things would have to change, for both of you. If nothing changes, then, well...nothing changes. Even five years down the road, if changes haven't occurred, history will repeat itself.

 

I hope my responses don't sound un-supportive. I intend them to be VERY supportive, though I know that support sometimes looks like something else when we're feeling devastated over a loss. I DO support you -- and it's hard to see you analyzing and re-analyzing all of this stuff. Again, I understand it's all very recent, and that it will take time. I hope you can start to focus on yourself and healing more in the coming weeks and months. It may take a lot of time. As I said in a previous post, on-off relationships seem especially difficult to heal from. Hang in there as best as you can.

[Ksol9]

Rainy Friday morning here in Florida. I think I've been so preoccupied with the Facebook stuff all week that I didn't realize that emotionally I am holding up ok. I was sitting at a stop light and I thought to myself, although I cry each day, it's not like it was any of the other times. I wonder if having gone through this a few times prior, if I subconsciously know everything will sort itself out. I still wake up with the harsh reality that this is another day without him. It hits me in the face every day.

 

I also notice I have this underlying anger for him and that is my self worth fighting for its place in all of this. I'm angry that he just discarded our relationship like it was nothing. His actions speak so loudly about the type of person he is. He reached a limit and rather than try to sort things out in the right way...he blew his lid. He turned his back on me, pushed me out the door, contacted the married woman almost immediately...if that goes further, There is a good possibility of that. I wouldn't know either way. He continued to send text messages to making it clear he was angry and through with it all. The end is never pretty. I expected to see a bad side of him and I'm sure I could have handled myself better. I got with the program very quickly the minute I saw he friended her on Facebook. I made those text messages my last communication to him and after that I was done..haven't reached out or responded to him since. The only way to save this is if he makes good on all that went bad. There is no sign that is evening happening, so I might as well save the little bit of dignity and self respect I have..put it in my pocket and walk away.

 

I was thinking this morning as I was getting dressed..I didn't ask for much. I'm not one of those high maintenance women. I selflessly took care of his children. We didn't ever have time to ourselves. I don't need recognition for those things. In fancy, I don't need a thing from him. I never did. All I needed what respect, communication, loyalty. Even that was hard to get. My needs were always last. who's fault is that? Mine and mine alone. When things got rough, he threw it all in the trash. At times I wouldn't blame him, but I had reached my limit as well. I couldn't contain what I was feeling. I do have my reasons to mistrust him. He just a shaky guy. I can't trust his decisions.

 

If I put myself in his shoes. All that he went through recently with the children moving and the loss of the relationship, I would need some time. I would need the time to self reflect. He may not even need time, he may have his mind made up.

 

I know I'll go back and forth with my feelings. One minute I'm strong the next weak. This weekend is going to be really hard for me. I wish communication between us could reopen soon, but as I sit here typing, I feel there is no way he will change his about this. I'm almost certain of it. We have gone through this so many times and no changes have been made. He will do without the trouble. In fact I'm sure he is telling himself he would be stupid if he did. He thinks I am the problem and I will never change.

 

I also agree with what you've said about Facebook. There really is no way of telling unless I see a photo of him with someone else or something along those lines. It makes no sense whatsoever to do what I've been doing. I won't know for sure either way. While I may still continue to look, I need to make sure I am still making process in healing. I need to contine therapy, continue educating myself, reading, coming to terms with the whole situation. That is the only way. I need to contine to fight through this. How is that for compromise? It is impossible to completely stop wondering. I think of him constantly. Today, for some reason, I'm seeing no hope for this situation.

 

Will be back to respond further.

[lostlove76]

Just checking in to say hi and write a quick one. I need to eat and head to work. I'm glad you finally got some sleep, ksol. I've never tried Tylenol pm, but I do take Benadryl quite often because sometimes I just can't sleep without it. Have to tried Sleepy Time tea? I can't remember if I've asked you before. I've had it once or twice and it honestly did relax my mind and body. I keep meaning to try it again. I hope you're able to catch up on some sleep this weekend, but I know it's going to be a rough one.

 

I agree that it doesn't sound like he was with the married woman while in Tampa. Also a great point that he could have added her out of spite. Hopefully, like we talked about earlier, he just added her impulsively and then it went no further.

 

BEG makes some really great points about both Facebook and trust.

 

Sorry for writing such a short post, but I should probably get going. I'm piddling around, but the sooner I go the sooner I can get back home. I'll be around later this afternoon or evening. If I get some down time at work I'll check to see if you've written anything. Oh, mine stayed on for maybe half an hour last night. I have no clue what he was doing. Every time I see him on, I hope that he's looking for me too, but I'm sure that he isn't. Like BEG said, it's just impossible to know what they're doing when they're on there, and when they're not on there. I know that I appear as online practically 24/7. I'm rarely off for more than an hour, unless I'm sleeping. Sometimes I'm not even doing anything on there. If I'm not specifically looking for him, it's just a way to feel connected to people without having to actually make any effort to be social. Occasionally I'll chat with a friend. But usually it's all just mindless scrolling. The point I'm getting to is that if someone were watching to see if I'm on, they could conclude that I must be chatting with someone quite a bit to be on that much. And if I wasn't on, it would seem like I was busy with someone since I'm usually always on. But that wouldn't be the case, because I never hang out with anyone and have no intention of meeting any guys right now. If someone were watching you being on so often, they could conclude that you're chatting with someone as well, which you aren't. So really things aren't always what we assume them to be, although I know it feels very real when we find some meaning in their online times.

 

Hang in there, talk more soon!

[Ksol9]

Just checking in to say hi and write a quick one. I need to eat and head to work. I'm glad you finally got some sleep, ksol. I've never tried Tylenol pm, but I do take Benadryl quite often because sometimes I just can't sleep without it. Have to tried Sleepy Time tea? I can't remember if I've asked you before. I've had it once or twice and it honestly did relax my mind and body. I keep meaning to try it again. I hope you're able to catch up on some sleep this weekend, but I know it's going to be a rough one.

 

I agree that it doesn't sound like he was with the married woman while in Tampa. Also a great point that he could have added her out of spite. Hopefully, like we talked about earlier, he just added her impulsively and then it went no further.

 

BEG makes some really great points about both Facebook and trust.

 

Sorry for writing such a short post, but I should probably get going. I'm piddling around, but the sooner I go the sooner I can get back home. I'll be around later this afternoon or evening. If I get some down time at work I'll check to see if you've written anything. Oh, mine stayed on for maybe half an hour last night. I have no clue what he was doing. Every time I see him on, I hope that he's looking for me too, but I'm sure that he isn't. Like BEG said, it's just impossible to know what they're doing when they're on there, and when they're not on there. I know that I appear as online practically 24/7. I'm rarely off for more than an hour, unless I'm sleeping. Sometimes I'm not even doing anything on there. If I'm not specifically looking for him, it's just a way to feel connected to people without having to actually make any effort to be social. Occasionally I'll chat with a friend. But usually it's all just mindless scrolling. The point I'm getting to is that if someone were watching to see if I'm on, they could conclude that I must be chatting with someone quite a bit to be on that much. And if I wasn't on, it would seem like I was busy with someone since I'm usually always on. But that wouldn't be the case, because I never hang out with anyone and have no intention of meeting any guys right now. If someone were watching you being on so often, they could conclude that you're chatting with someone as well, which you aren't. So really things aren't always what we assume them to be, although I know it feels very real when we find some meaning in their online times.

 

Hang in there, talk more soon!

 

Hi there! Hope you're doing well today.

 

Tylenol PM is not the safest thing to be taking to get some sleep. Benadryl is the safer bet. I just desperately needed some sleep and it completely knocked me out. I wish I didn't depend on any kind of medication to sleep. I just cant get my mind to shut off and if I didn't take the medicine, I'd be awake for much of the night. I keep telling myself that I need them to get sleep and when my life stabilizes, I can work on a much healthier lifestyle. Unfortunately life has been very rocky. I was able to get out of the house for some exercise earlier. I want to do some reading tonight. Hopefully that will help me through the weekend.

 

The more I think about him adding the married woman the night he left, I realize that it was a time when emotions were high. I'm sure he has had some time to cool off and is thinking more clearly about what he plans to do with his life in the upcoming weeks and months. Just as I am thinking about how I want to proceed. Our relationship did come to a screeching halt, so I am not the only one who has to think about my future plans.

 

As for trust, I don't think him and I really worked on rebuilding it. We kept saying we need to get over this hurdle or that hurdle and then we will focus on us. We didn't make it to that point obviously. I have definitely put alot of thought into what it would look and feel like if I were to reenter the relationship. Therapy would continue and I would be more focused on our relationship. I do think I could handle being in that relationship again. With the children being gone, we would not have that responsibility. There would be much more freedom. Unfortunately, I don't think this is what he wants. If he did, he would have contacted me by now. I somehow feel he isn't going to change his mind. Then again, I have no idea what is going on. It's all still very fresh being that this happened last week.

 

As for facebook, he has been on quite frequently today. Weekends are his time to unwind from his stressful job. I fear that this married woman will be coming to stay the weekend with him. The community where he lives is a pretty active community. The neighbors are always outside and they all have gotten to know me. We would often go to the clubhouse for drinks and lunch. All the bartenders and servers know us there. How embarrassing would that be if he were to bring her there? I don't know that he would do that so soon, but I don't underestimate him. He didn't wait 2 seconds after he left town to contact her via facebook. ughh...just the thought makes me sick. There I go again with this thinking. I can't help it. He has been signing on maybe once or twice every hour just for a few minutes and then signing off. He must just go on to browse and then gets off. I know he is at home and has nothing to do. I keep thinking about what he'll be later tonight and over the weekend. I don't even know why I'm worrying about him and he isn't worrying about me. I do think you and BEG made a good point about facebook and I should really take that into consideration.

 

I'm feeling really terrible right now. I need to take a little break..maybe get something to eat. Wish I could just sleep right through the weekend. Hope you're ok at work. Will talk to you later.

[Ksol9]

He has been on facebook constantly throughout the day. Especially in the afternoon up until now. Signing on and then off. Then signing on again within 30 minutes or less. He shared a video from CNN about President Obama awarding Biden with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Great little clip. His facebook activity lets me know he is at home with nothing much to do at the moment, but I'm sitting here in anxiety thinking the woman from Tampa will probably be driving over there. Gosh..

 

I really need to just let it be. I can't stop him. Whatever he wants to do is his business. I better get a hold of myself.

[lostlove76]

Tylenol PM is not the safest thing to be taking to get some sleep. Benadryl is the safer bet. I just desperately needed some sleep and it completely knocked me out. I wish I didn't depend on any kind of medication to sleep. I just cant get my mind to shut off and if I didn't take the medicine, I'd be awake for much of the night. I keep telling myself that I need them to get sleep and when my life stabilizes, I can work on a much healthier lifestyle. Unfortunately life has been very rocky. I was able to get out of the house for some exercise earlier. I want to do some reading tonight. Hopefully that will help me through the weekend.

 

Hi. I'm doing okay, thanks! Today is not nearly as bad as some days, for whatever reason. Maybe it's because the weather has been nice. I'll get on my laptop in a few to write more, but just catching up on reading your posts here. I wanted to comment on the sleeping aids. I agree it's not good to take them too much, and Tylenol isn't good to take very often. It's a switch-off, though. Not getting enough quality sleep is really bad for you as well, especially emotionally. So I say just take it if you need it, get through this hump, and then you can start backing off of it. I know you know what you're doing, but just wanted to offer my opinion on that.

 

Be back to comment more...

 

ETA: Oh, meant to ask what you'll be reading tonight? I keep putting off reading all these great books I have on my shelves (novels) because I don't feel I can focus my mind on it. Just curious what you'll be reading

[lostlove76]

He has been on facebook constantly throughout the day. Especially in the afternoon up until now. Signing on and then off. Then signing on again within 30 minutes or less. He shared a video from CNN about President Obama awarding Biden with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Great little clip. His facebook activity lets me know he is at home with nothing much to do at the moment, but I'm sitting here in anxiety thinking the woman from Tampa will probably be driving over there. Gosh..

 

I really need to just let it be. I can't stop him. Whatever he wants to do is his business. I better get a hold of myself.

 

Mine has been on a ton today, too. Makes me feel better for some reason. Maybe that's why I'm in an okay mood today. Just like you, I figure he's sitting around with free time on his hands. Sometimes it makes me nervous to see him on, because I assume he's talking to one of any number of girls. I shouldn't care anymore, but of course I do.

 

I would just be glad for now that yours has been on. I very much doubt the married woman is coming this weekend. He is aware what a crappy move that would be, even if technically he now owes you nothing (although I disagree that exes owe us nothing after a breakup - we spent so much time with them, and the care shouldn't just disappear. I think it's awful when someone jumps directly to another woman before feelings have had time to subside. It's hurtful and disrespectful.). From what you said, the neighbors wouldn't think very highly of him if he's strutting around with a new woman, or even trying to keep it on the down-low. And if she were on the way soon, he probably wouldn't be piddling around on Facebook - he'd be cooking or cleaning or showering or something. But having said that, if he quits getting on, it doesn't mean she's coming or is there. I don't think there's anything to worry about this weekend.

[lostlove76]

The only way to save this is if he makes good on all that went bad. There is no sign that is evening happening, so I might as well save the little bit of dignity and self respect I have..put it in my pocket and walk away.

This is exactly how I've always felt, too. If they want to save it, they know where to find us. If they don't put in the effort, then there is nothing we can do about that - nor should we want to. I'm kind of divided on how I feel about this, because it does take two - two to fight, two to make up, two to decide to keep a relationship going. So maybe there should be equal effort to reach out and fix things. Unfortunately, it just seems to be the man's job to fix and pursue. It's never viewed as a positive thing when a woman "chases" after a man, whatever the case may be. And men tend to back off when we push forward. So therefore, I say it's their place to fix it, and all we can do is maintain our dignity and self-respect like you're saying. That might be contradictory to some things I've said before, and I guess I flip-flop about this, but in my current mindset this is how I feel about it. If nothing else, you can feel good about the strength you've shown.

[lostlove76]

I'm angry that he just discarded our relationship like it was nothing. His actions speak so loudly about the type of person he is. He reached a limit and rather than try to sort things out in the right way...he blew his lid. He turned his back on me, pushed me out the door, contacted the married woman almost immediately...if that goes further, There is a good possibility of that. I wouldn't know either way. He continued to send text messages to making it clear he was angry and through with it all. The end is never pretty. I expected to see a bad side of him and I'm sure I could have handled myself better. I got with the program very quickly the minute I saw he friended her on Facebook. I made those text messages my last communication to him and after that I was done..haven't reached out or responded to him since.

 

Just to offer another perspective, in order to help you feel less rejected... All the parts I bolded, he could also say as well about you. You initially told him that if he wanted you to take your stuff and leave, you were fine with that. You left. You didn't reply to his texts (and I'm not saying that you should have, just pointing out that you didn't). You later sent some angry texts and told him you were done. You went and got all your stuff. You didn't answer or call him back when he called. And you haven't reached out since. SO, he could as well be feeling like you gave up and that you're completely done and that you don't care. I only point this all out because I do know that feeling rejected and pushed aside and like they don't care at all is the worst feeling in the world. That's what has always bothered me most about mine. But his perception may be the exact same as yours, and he may very well feel that you don't want to hear from him again. You're really good at maintaining a stoic silence, and that could easily come across as not caring.

 

I hope you get what I'm saying here, and know that I'm not in any way placing blame on you! Just showing what it might look like from his shoes.

[Ksol9]

Mine has been on a ton today, too. Makes me feel better for some reason. Maybe that's why I'm in an okay mood today. Just like you, I figure he's sitting around with free time on his hands. Sometimes it makes me nervous to see him on, because I assume he's talking to one of any number of girls. I shouldn't care anymore, but of course I do.

 

I would just be glad for now that yours has been on. I very much doubt the married woman is coming this weekend. He is aware what a crappy move that would be, even if technically he now owes you nothing (although I disagree that exes owe us nothing after a breakup - we spent so much time with them, and the care shouldn't just disappear. I think it's awful when someone jumps directly to another woman before feelings have had time to subside. It's hurtful and disrespectful.). From what you said, the neighbors wouldn't think very highly of him if he's strutting around with a new woman, or even trying to keep it on the down-low. And if she were on the way soon, he probably wouldn't be piddling around on Facebook - he'd be cooking or cleaning or showering or something. But having said that, if he quits getting on, it doesn't mean she's coming or is there. I don't think there's anything to worry about this weekend.

 

I can relate. I was feeling somewhat calm seeing him online so frequently but then he just stopped going on about an hour ago and of course my mind started wandering. I keep thinking she must have gotten off work and then drove here. It's about a 3 hour drive from where she lives. This is just the worst feeling in the world. I keep trying to remind myself that there is nothing I can do about it and if it is so...then she can have him. I don't want to go through this anymore. Im so over it already. I'm tired of thinking of him, I'm tired of feeling like this, just tired period. I wish I could just forget. Im just tormenting myself trying to concern myself with what he is doing and who he is with.

[Ksol9]

Just to offer another perspective, in order to help you feel less rejected... All the parts I bolded, he could also say as well about you. You initially told him that if he wanted you to take your stuff and leave, you were fine with that. You left. You didn't reply to his texts (and I'm not saying that you should have, just pointing out that you didn't). You later sent some angry texts and told him you were done. You went and got all your stuff. You didn't answer or call him back when he called. And you haven't reached out since. SO, he could as well be feeling like you gave up and that you're completely done and that you don't care. I only point this all out because I do know that feeling rejected and pushed aside and like they don't care at all is the worst feeling in the world. That's what has always bothered me most about mine. But his perception may be the exact same as yours, and he may very well feel that you don't want to hear from him again. You're really good at maintaining a stoic silence, and that could easily come across as not caring.

 

I hope you get what I'm saying here, and know that I'm not in any way placing blame on you! Just showing what it might look like from his shoes.

 

I get what you're trying to say and I don't think you're trying to place blame on me. You're just showing me how things might look on the other side of the spectrum. Thank you for that because I tend to block that out. I don't take into account what it appeared to be from his end.

 

The day he ended it, he seemed to be in a blind rage. He didn't hear or see anything that I was saying. My tears meant nothing. He just wanted me out. That anger carried on for 2 days after until he received those last few text messages from me in the middle of the night. He began the initial rejection, I dont think he cared what followed. He just wanted me out of his life. The more I think about it. He treated me horribly. No matter how mean I was being over those last few days, why didnt he try to sit down and talk to me to prevent what ultimately happened. Instead his anger festered for 2 days as I didn't come home all day both days. Then he finally blew up. No communication. It was over. That's it. I sat there crying and he walked in. He didn't want to hear anything I had to say. Then as he was walking out, he said..I guess I'll come back with the kids after you get all your things out. I couldn't even think straight. I just ended up leaving and then you know what happened the following day with him friending the married woman. I'm getting upset just writing about it.

 

I think you made an excellent point about it being a man's duty to fix and pursue. It doesn't matter what happened, I feel very strongly about this. I've learned from the 2 prior breakups. This needs to come from him. He didn't want the relationship anymore so if he changes his mind, it will be his job to let me know he wants to try again. They know where to find us. In today's world, it is not hard to make contact with someone. My number is still the same. He simply doesn't care. I am left to think he just moved on with this married woman.

[lostlove76]

I can relate. I was feeling somewhat calm seeing him online so frequently but then he just stopped going on about an hour ago and of course my mind started wandering. I keep thinking she must have gotten off work and then drove here. It's about a 3 hour drive from where she lives. This is just the worst feeling in the world. I keep trying to remind myself that there is nothing I can do about it and if it is so...then she can have him. I don't want to go through this anymore. Im so over it already. I'm tired of thinking of him, I'm tired of feeling like this, just tired period. I wish I could just forget. Im just tormenting myself trying to concern myself with what he is doing and who he is with.

 

I know It's the worst feeling in the world. One thing I've been trying to remind my own self of over and over again is that if he chooses any of these other women that he's flirting with or been involved with, then he isn't the person I thought he was and I need someone better. Likewise, if he stays unattached and just flits from one to the next, or keeps several going at once, then he's still not the kind of person I need. If he couldn't value what we had and the loyalty that I offered, then screw him. I would tell you the very same thing. If he does start something up with her, then it just shows what kind of person he is - someone with low standards and sketchy morals and a noncommittal attitude. You certainly deserve better than that.