Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[lostlove76]

Thank you ms. Darcy, Clarisse, and browneyedgirl. Your insight is much appreciated. I so need support right now because I am struggling to hold on to reality.

 

Everyday is a struggle, but I've made some progress as far as how I feel about this back and forth, off and on situation. This is absolutely unacceptable. What have we really been doing all this time? It made no sense. I think we've both come to a point in the relationship where we know it isn't going to work. I don't believe he is going to come back around this time giving me excuses to continue the relationship and if he does, I'll have a whole different tone. I have to do things differently this time..as lostlove said. Thankfully I've started therapy. I almost can't wait to sit with him tomorrow. I've been trying to get out of the house. I've been investing myself more in work. It's hard..let tell you, it's hard.

 

I'm not in disbelief because he has done this to me before, but I'm so upset that he could just send me on my way like I never mattered. He doesn't care about me. This time things will be very different. He went through a complete lifestyle change. I believe he had to go out of town for work today. No more children and gf to come home to. I don't have access to his Facebook. I can't see photos unless they are public. He can't post indirect messages to try to provoke me to contact him. He won't be driving by my job just to see what he can see as he will be traveling more often. Those kind of games are over. He let go of the rope and now I've decided to walk away. Neither one of us is going to stop this.

 

All I can do is take things by face value. He is not trying to salvage anything. He picked up and walked away. I can't take this turmoil anymore. I don't want to live this way. I have to think about myself. I feel very unsettled about everything that happened and the way it happened was in a moment of frustration and anger. That's what makes things worse. I'm going to regroup myself tomorrow when I go to my therapist. I accept this for what it is. This is fundamentally what type of person he is. He is very passive and will hold on to this anger until he is ready. Because he was having trouble with his daughter, he wanted to send her to her mother just to get some space from her. He told he she will appreciate him and will have a better relationship with him when she comes back months later. Is that the way to handle a 13 year old? Avoid all communication? Send her across country for space? Separate her from her brother? Discard her like she isn't worth anything for having teenage angst? This is what she felt...like he doesn't care about her. She told me days before this happened. She said...don't let what he says to you, get to you. Don't let it hurt you. Do you know how many things he has said to me and it was hurtful? All this from a 13 year old. I was stunned.

 

I know what I'm dealing with. If I don't ever see or hear from him again, I understand. I couldn't continue living on his rollar coaster anymore. If it even crosses his mnd to come back into this picture, he better come back with a plan. I am goingto form a plan for myself tomorrow. I'm determined. I'm going to get myself out of this mess one way or another.

 

As for on and off relationships. This hasn't been my first. My last relationship was a lot of back and forth. Until it became so bad I left and didn't go back even when I wished it could have worked. Gosh I did everything possible to save that relationship. Now I am here again in this dark cold place. I don't know if it's me or the men I choose to date. All I know is I've ecognized what I need to change and I'm going to work hard to chang those things so that I don't take bad habits into my next relationship..with or without him.

 

I agree that it's very telling, the situation with his daughter. He doesn't stick close and work things out - he forces space. He probably has no idea how hurtful that is to her. Maybe because he's selfish, or maybe because he's emotionally ignorant - probably a little of both. This is yet more proof that when the going gets tough, he bails.

 

If there is anything "good" to take from that, it's that you can be assured it's not personal. He's not this emotionally mature and healthy person and it's all your fault for being difficult. Perhaps you wouldn't be difficult ("not willing to be happy," and whatever else he has said) if he were a safer person to be in a relationship with. Know what I mean? If you felt safe, you wouldn't behave passive-aggressively. His issues are bringing your issues to the forefront, and maybe vice versa as well.

 

But none of this means he doesn't care about you, although I KNOW that it FEELS that way. He's just doing what he always does. I feel hypocritical telling you that, because I tell myself all the time that mine must have never gave a single crap about me. But I can see from the outside looking in that this is not a case of your guy using you or not caring.

[lostlove76]

Thank you for writing lostlove. I've been thinking about you because I recall you saying you were falling into a depression. I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling lately. The first thing that popped out when you spoke about this ex and how they are both on Facebook messenger quite a bit now, was what you always told me. When you saw that they reconnected on Facebook, this sent off alarms. You automatically assumed the very worst. Worst case scenario. Pretty much what I've been doing since this thing blew up in my face a week ago. You and the ex are friends Facebook correct? Has she been posting anything out of the ordinary or anything that would directly tell you that maybe her feelings for him have reignited? Does he like any of her posts? Funny how Facebook can be used to connect dots. At the same time Facebook can create a lot of problems. I say this because what you see on Facebook doesn't necessarily mean they are talking. I know you've come up with that conclusion but it could be sheer coincidence. I know he isn't sitting in a room staring at a wall, but he definitely doesn't have anyone significant in his life. I also think the reason he never reaches out to you is because he knows you will not tolerate or settle for being a fall back girl. He wouldnt go through the trouble to try. Little does he know that even if he were to try one time, maybe things would find a way to sort itself between the two of you. I think when he is just hopping from woman to woman, being a single guy....he looks for what convenient and easy, muchlike my guy. Nothing and no one of substance. I think if they are talking, it's not anything serious. I know you feel somewhat betrayed by her because you confided in her, but for some reason I believe who ever reached out to who, it was done out of sheer curiosity. Not to spark a relationship. You're quite the investigator so I'm sure you'll see more clues to follow. I'm don't feel good about encouraging that because I know it is not the root of your pain but an accessory to your pain. I don't know what to suggest to help you. You are not ready to let go and thats ok, but I've told you before, you are deserving of love and you will find someone who can treat you right should you decide to date. I don't have any doubt in my mind about that. I just know you're a wonderful person.

 

It's funny you speak about Facebook messenger and being able to see them active even though you are no longer friends. I was on Facebook frequently today and I didn't see him online at all today. Normally he is on maybe once or twice an hour. I'm ashamed to admit that I know that. He goes on Facebook very often even in the week that we've split up. Anyhow, today no activity. I thought he was out of town. I was freaking out all day. One minute I'm strong, the next I'm not. I was just a wreck. Then I got a call from him. I didn't answer. I figured it was made in error. When I got home I cried and cried I felt for sure he was in Tampa and was with someone else. I decided to go to the office just to get out of the house. On my way there he passed me on the road. He wasn't out of town after all. My imagination is just running wild and I'm torturing myself thinking the very worst. Just like yours, I'm not expecting him to be staring at a wall. I'm sure he's doing what single guys do, but it doesn't mean he is sleeping around or just prowling around for women. That is what I'm thinking. It shouldn't matter what he does, but I'm being completely honest...aweek after our break up, it is bothering me tremendously.

 

I remember when I left him because I found those emails..I felt emoowered. I was confident about my decision. I was able to find strength and self worth because it validated all that I was feeling. It wasn't me, it was him. I don't know who I was trying to fool, but anyhow there is a difference between the dumpee and dumper. I've experienced both sides. They're both still extremely painful and you feel the loss both ways, but being the dumper is a little different. I know men are different and process things differently. Especially these guys who seek female attention during crisis. I found strength in being the dumper. Strength to move on because I my reason for leaving was justified. I wanted to take care of myself, dress well, get up, get out. All the things that I can't seem to find as a dumpee. I didn't want to meet other men or sleep around, but I was motivated to move on and I thought maybe in time I would meet someone. No matter what I wanted him because I was in love with him but there was an acceptance of the matter that I can't seem to find as the dumpee. Both times he chose to end the relationship it has completely crushed me to the point I can't catch my breath. I don't know why I am thinking he is just out sleeping with whoever he can sleep with. I'm thinking he met someone new. All sorts of things to drive me insane. I'm thinking any and everything to say he isn't thinking of me. I went back and read some of my posts when I left him, I needed time to think and figure things out. I wanted him to come back, but I needed to figure it if this relationship was something I wanted and I welcomed the time apart. I wanted him to think, ignites change, and growth. My point is, I'm overthinking. He is human just like I am. He copes differently, yes, but that doesn't mean he isn't thinking. I don't want to give myself false hope. He was very angry and was very clear that he believed we would never work out. He was clear that he didn't want me in his life. I understand that. Maybe that wasn't just anger and maybe his feelings won't change, but it doesn't mean he won't take time to process. He's alone now. I found it very strange that he didn't go on Facebook at all today. If he did it was much less than usual. I really should let keep up with it because it's not a place he will send subliminal messages anymore. The same things that happened before won't happen again as we are no longer Facebook friends, but anyhow, regardless of if I ever hear from him ever again...I've got to find it in myself to move forward. I need to find happiness again. This is no way to start the year. I am not counting on him coming back, it seems impossible, but I am hoping that he will take the time to process and make changes that he needs to change if he ever did think about reconciling with me. That has to come from him. I can't find it in myself to contact him after the way he spoke to me. After all that he said, I feel like he tested me like what we had meant nothing, so any hope for reconciliation has to come from him. For all I know, this is when it all ended. He may have gotten so def up of this cycle that it will stop here for good, I don't know. Time will tell. I can't wait to see my therapist tomorrow. I want to formulate a plan and I want to start working on empowering myself. At the end of the day, I know this is his loss. I never gave him a thing to worry about. He was in full confidence about my love for him. He knew I was so in love with him that I wouldn't leave and He knows I am very much in love with him still. I'm not going to wait, but if he never comes back then I'm ok with that...it's really for the best.

 

It's been one week since this happened. I shouldn't have been surprided, but I don't think there's ever a way to be prepare even after going through it a couple times. It's still just as painful to lose someone you love. Plus those children, I think of them quite a bit. I'm not worried about them because I know they're with mom, but I just miss them I guess. I regret not keeping my cool until they left...I really needed to give this whole thing a try until after they left. Him and I never gave the relatioldnshol the attention and nurturing it needed to thrive. How long can I live in regret. It happened and this was bound to happen. The faster I accept it, the faster I can live in peace.

 

Thank you for being there for me lostlove. You've been such a great friend here.

 

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You're welcome, ksol, and thank you for being such a great friend as well. You always have the most comforting things to say, and it's tremendously helpful during my times of sorrow. I worry sometimes that I'm not being quite as comforting, because I switch into "logic" mode at times, and I never want to say anything that makes you feel even worse. My intention when analyzing him and the relationship is only to make you realize that this is NOT because he doesn't care. There are deeper reasons at play here that are making the relationship unworkable at times, but it isn't because he doesn't love you - I do believe that he does. I hope that comes across in my posts.

 

Thank you SO much for pointing out that maybe things aren't what I'm imagining with this ex of his. It's good for you and I to remind ourselves and each other of this, because we both have an uncanny ability to take small clues and form whole stories out of them. I'm thinking back on a time before he moved away... he added an old flame of his to facebook, and there was one weekend when I was just absolutely convinced that he was with her. Waaaay later, after he had moved, they were commenting back on forth on his page and it was clear from their conversation that they had not even talked at all since adding each other back. So the story I made up in my head was wrong. Just like your Tampa story was wrong, even though it felt so real at the time you were imagining it. We really do need to remind ourselves of this each time a new story pops into mind.

 

However, having said all that, I still believe they're talking In the past, every time they started talking again, she was posting all over his page and blowing up his phone. She claims to have no feelings for him and not want anything from him, but then why be all over him like that every time they reconnect? She said she would hear from him a couple times a year but that it was just friends. Of course, my mind is imagining him telling her all the things he told me, telling her that he's now ready to settle down... and she'll fall for it, and they'll be best friends, and end up together in the end. Our minds are really our own worst enemies, aren't they? To answer your question, he hasn't liked any of her posts yet, but he's a withholder and doesn't usually like posts when he's involved with someone, unless he's trying to get their attention. I can't see his page to see if she's posting on it again. Yes, she and I are fb friends.

 

Very interesting that you already noticed you can see your guy online even while not friends. Has this been a thing for a while now?? I only noticed it a couple or few weeks ago, I think. Just happened to notice him on my chat list one day, and have been watching for him ever since (ugh, very hard not to watch). I wonder if he notices me on his. If he deleted my number, and our previous chats, I don't know if I would show up on his list. Or maybe he has so many friends online at once that he doesn't even notice me there. But every time he's on, I imagine him watching for me too -- which is probably SO not the case, and he's probably watching for this ex of his instead. Ugh. Interesting how yours wasn't on all day long and then you got a call. Maybe he was taking a break from things to give himself space and time to think. He could have called about his wallet, or he could have been calling to talk. Have you considered texting and asking him "Did you need something? I saw that you called?" I would be really curious about what he wanted. I doubt it was a mistake.

 

At the end of the day, I know this is his loss. I never gave him a thing to worry about. He was in full confidence about my love for him. He knew I was so in love with him that I wouldn't leave and He knows I am very much in love with him still.

So so so so true. He had someone who loved him with her entire being and would have done anything for him. That's really hard to come by in this world, and if he's too messed up to see and appreciate that, then it's his loss. A guy friend recently told me that guys are stupid and don't know what they have until it's too late.

 

Let's just see how this plays out. It's still early. I think your thinking is on the right track - you need to do what's best for you now. Therapy will help. Think about what you want for your future, and if he can provide for, or contribute to that. Not the him that you wish him to be, but the him that he is. We get so caught up in potential, but we're told over and over not to do that. You deserve the very best, ksol, and if he wants to be a part of that, then he needs to quickly get with the program. No more long drawn-out painful breaks every few months. You're doing the work on yourself, and he needs to do the same.

[lostlove76]

I read some of your responses after posting. I'll read and respond. If I don't get to it tonight, I will tomorrow. I just wish I was home with him in bed. I can't believe I ended up here again. The missing him and all that other stuff has just begun. I really am not looking forward to the long road I have ahead of me. Why do I always choose the long and difficult road? One day I'll still it right..one day

 

About choosing the long and difficult road... this brought to mind the term "empath." I see articles pop up on Facebook all the time about empaths, especially in relation to their relationships with narcissists. I never really read the articles, because reading about narcissists just makes me feel like a victim to think of mine as one, even though I know that he is in some ways, and he's even called himself one. Choppy sentence there, but don't feel like editing, lol sorry. Anyways, my very basic understanding of empaths is that they feel everything very deeply, even the emotions of others. They care very deeply, and they are overly affected by everything. I think if you read more about it, it would probably describe you to a tee (and myself as well). In that sense, I don't at all think you *choose* the difficult path. I think that everything is just more difficult for you because you feel things so intensely. Hugs. Same for myself. It's a hard way to live, and yet it makes you special. You have so much love and care to offer. Like I said above, that's rare. Your guy could have that, from you, or he could have some shallow meaningless "thing" (can't really call it a relationship) with a married woman who obviously has no morals or values. If he's stupid enough to go for the latter just because it's easy, then it IS his loss, in a big huge way. Let's hope he's smarter than that. But if he isn't, then he isn't good enough for YOU.

 

But like I said, it's really early, and he did call, so let's see what happens.

[lostlove76]

Just to vent a little (sorry to write so much all at once here)...

He, and she, were on practically all day long. Then he stopped getting on about half an hour before she did. He gets off work at midnight, and it was a little before that that they both stopped getting on. I know it sounds bad for me to notice, but I know you understand ksol, even if everyone reading here may not. Anyways, this would suggest to me that they were on either chatting or trying to get each other's attention, and then talked when he got off work. Like he used to do with me. We would talk for hours on the phone. Now I'm sure he's doing that with her. I don't understand it since she said she wanted nothing from him and she had no feelings left. And she KNOWS how much this has killed me. Yet all of a sudden, here they are talking again. If he was thinking about me even a little bit now that his relationship with trashy married woman had ended, he would be getting on after work, too, to see if I was on. (Not the case with yours today, since he did try to call you). He moved on a long time ago, and it still hurts just as much. I think you're correct though, in that he knows I wouldn't be an easy fallback. I hope that's all he's using her for - and I don't feel bad saying that, since we confided in each other and she knows how I feel about him. In the past, they've talked for a few weeks at a time and then stopped. I just fear something will develop between them again since he's probably lonely and seeking attention, and they have a history. This shouldn't still affect me. But it does.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove, I hope you slept well and my hope is that today brings you more strength and comfort than yesterday did. We are going through the same torment. I empathize with you.

 

I woke up today feeling very strange. As I was taking a shower, I asked myself..why am I going through this? Why is it that him and I foolishly break up and get back together...why put eachother through that? The anger allows me to see him as an enemy, when I should really try to put myself in his shoes. This really makes me a fool. Maybe he is smarter than I to put it it all to stop like he did. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking of him and wondering what he is doing and thinking. I won't act on it. I still won't contact him.

 

I don't know what that phone call was about yesterday. I found it strange because he normally texts. That is why I thought it was an error. He may have dialed me mistakenly. He never asked for his wallet or gate transponder. He probably is thinkng...to hell with it! He does not like me at all. Those last messages he sent to me left me with the impression that he doesnt like me at all. Then again, my last message to him said how I didn't want to see or speak to him ever again. That I didn't want to ever see his face. That I felt he was a lying cheater who betrayed me for 2 years. I didn't mean any of it and he doesn't know that I still want him in my life. I really don't know what is going to happen. I just feel like the whole situation is helpless. I don't see how we can overcome this one. I don't think I'll hear from him at all and not now anyway. As you said, it's still pretty new. The whole thing is pretty fresh.

 

As for Facebook, yesterday he didn't sign on at all. Very late at night he went on. He may have went out of town for the day and then came home at the end of the day. Or he may have just taken a break from Facebook. Or he may have been with someone else and was busy with her. Lol...you can imagine where my mind was going. I try to put myself in his shoes. Maybe he anger has subsided and he is taking time to reflect...on his life and what he really wants. I'm sure he feels very empty with his children gone. I noticed you can see them active in messenger just recently. I really shouldn't be monitoring his activity like that. I'll drive myself crazy trying to figure out something, anything. In reality, I don't know what is going on. Just like all the other times, what I was imagining wasn't anything that was really happening.

 

I'm waiting in the parking lot waiting to go into my therapist's office. I am still in a state of confusion. I don't know how to make sense of everything I'm going through, but I'm looking forward to my meeting today. In hope of finding some direction.

 

As for your guy, I know you think he doesn't think of you and it certainly feels that way since so much time has passed. How do you know he still has the same job and schedule? Just like I saw my guy friended the email woman and then deleted her, I can conclude they are now in communication. This is out of control now. He has been in and out of communication with her for so long now. This is ridiculous. I need to stop here before I become angry. I'll write more when I get out of my appointment.

 

Take care lostlove. Hang in there.

[browneyedgirl36]

Just to vent a little (sorry to write so much all at once here)...

He, and she, were on practically all day long. Then he stopped getting on about half an hour before she did. He gets off work at midnight, and it was a little before that that they both stopped getting on. I know it sounds bad for me to notice, but I know you understand ksol, even if everyone reading here may not. Anyways, this would suggest to me that they were on either chatting or trying to get each other's attention, and then talked when he got off work. Like he used to do with me. We would talk for hours on the phone. Now I'm sure he's doing that with her. I don't understand it since she said she wanted nothing from him and she had no feelings left. And she KNOWS how much this has killed me. Yet all of a sudden, here they are talking again. If he was thinking about me even a little bit now that his relationship with trashy married woman had ended, he would be getting on after work, too, to see if I was on. (Not the case with yours today, since he did try to call you). He moved on a long time ago, and it still hurts just as much. I think you're correct though, in that he knows I wouldn't be an easy fallback. I hope that's all he's using her for - and I don't feel bad saying that, since we confided in each other and she knows how I feel about him. In the past, they've talked for a few weeks at a time and then stopped. I just fear something will develop between them again since he's probably lonely and seeking attention, and they have a history. This shouldn't still affect me. But it does.

 

Lostlove, I know you think many of us won't understand, but I do, to an extent at least. I wasn't friends with my ex on FB the whole time we were off-on, but my "drug of choice" was AOL instant messenger (you can tell that was awhile ago -- LOL!) We would often have long conversations on there, and when things were "off" or were iffy, I'd go on there under a different screenname (one he wasn't aware of) and see if he was on, for how long, etc. I used it to assure myself that he was home at night, and if I saw him on there on Friday or Saturday nights, it gave me comfort thinking he was home, on his computer, instead of out with some other woman. Now, I realize that all I was doing was creating a story in my head, based on NO info whatsoever than a little green dot telling me he was online -- I was making up this whole narrative about what he was and wasn't doing, and with whom -- based on almost nothing. And, when we did become friends on FB, I remember seeing a few pictures online of him in groups and spending forever scrutinizing ONE photo to determine whether the woman sitting in front of him in the photo was his new girlfriend (in fact, it was -- the one he brought to work with him one day -- UGH!). Prior to that, I had seen a photo of him and a bunch of people -- including his previous ex (!) -- at some event, and I had scrutinized that one, too, to determine whether or not they were "together" in that photo ("They're not sitting together, but... " "She doesn't look like she's having a great time, but..") It was ridiculous, truly. Such a waste of my time and energy. The funny thing is, I rarely looked at his actual timeline -- I would see these photos because someone else would tag him, and they would show up in my newsfeed. I finally realized, because of my tendency to make up stories and obsess over them, I had to stop looking. I didn't know about "unfollowing" at the time, and I didn't want to unfriend him (I have since done so, but at the time I didn't want to risk awkwardness when he noticed, and he's the type to say something). I just started not looking at FB at all from Thursday night until Monday morning (because that's when he was posting and people were tagging him in pictures -- on the weekends). I did that until I finally stopped caring what he did and with whom. I haven't, in probably three years, even been tempted to look at his FB, and I finally unfriended him early last year, so now I don't see anything (not that I'd care anymore, anyway).

 

The point to all this: I DO understand, which is why I'm telling you (and ksol) from my personal experience that monitoring an ex's online activity is the WORST thing you can do if you want to heal. In the absence of any real, concrete information, our minds go to dark places, and if you're an obsessive person/a worrier (as I am prone to be -- I have to stay away from sites like Web MD when I'm having medical symptoms, for that reason!) you'll create elaborate narratives of worst case scenarios that are never ending. I know I am a person who is prone to this -- some people call it "catastrophizing" -- so I have to remind myself not to go too far down the rabbit hole (with Web MD or with other things that could make me freak out needlessly).

 

I still maintain -- and always will -- that the path to healing begins by shifting your focus from HIM onto YOU. Instead of "I wonder what he's doing right now?" it should be "What am I doing right now?" Instead of "He's probably thinking/feeling xyz" it should be "What am *I* thinking/feeling now?" Instead of diagnosing him, identifying his issues, work on identifying your own (first step toward fixing/changing them). I was unable to move on at all until I turned things around on myself and stopped distracting myself with thoughts of him. Thinking about him -- what he's thinking/feeling/doing and who he's keeping company with (or not) is just a way to distract yourself from digging deep and looking at what YOUR issues are. I say this not to be harsh -- I've been there. I could write a dissertation on it.

 

My hope for both of you is that you can -- even gradually -- shift your focus. That's the surest way to start t move forward. Remember, the windshield of the car is far bigger than the rearview mirror for a reason: What's ahead is what you need to focus on. What's behind you is just something to glance at every so often, fleetingly, to remind yourself of how far you've come.

[lostlove76]

Hi lostlove, I hope you slept well and my hope is that today brings you more strength and comfort than yesterday did. We are going through the same torment. I empathize with you.

 

I woke up today feeling very strange. As I was taking a shower, I asked myself..why am I going through this? Why is it that him and I foolishly break up and get back together...why put eachother through that? The anger allows me to see him as an enemy, when I should really try to put myself in his shoes. This really makes me a fool. Maybe he is smarter than I to put it it all to stop like he did. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking of him and wondering what he is doing and thinking. I won't act on it. I still won't contact him.

 

I don't know what that phone call was about yesterday. I found it strange because he normally texts. That is why I thought it was an error. He may have dialed me mistakenly. He never asked for his wallet or gate transponder. He probably is thinkng...to hell with it! He does not like me at all. Those last messages he sent to me left me with the impression that he doesnt like me at all. Then again, my last message to him said how I didn't want to see or speak to him ever again. That I didn't want to ever see his face. That I felt he was a lying cheater who betrayed me for 2 years. I didn't mean any of it and he doesn't know that I still want him in my life. I really don't know what is going to happen. I just feel like the whole situation is helpless. I don't see how we can overcome this one. I don't think I'll hear from him at all and not now anyway. As you said, it's still pretty new. The whole thing is pretty fresh.

 

As for Facebook, yesterday he didn't sign on at all. Very late at night he went on. He may have went out of town for the day and then came home at the end of the day. Or he may have just taken a break from Facebook. Or he may have been with someone else and was busy with her. Lol...you can imagine where my mind was going. I try to put myself in his shoes. Maybe he anger has subsided and he is taking time to reflect...on his life and what he really wants. I'm sure he feels very empty with his children gone. I noticed you can see them active in messenger just recently. I really shouldn't be monitoring his activity like that. I'll drive myself crazy trying to figure out something, anything. In reality, I don't know what is going on. Just like all the other times, what I was imagining wasn't anything that was really happening.

 

I'm waiting in the parking lot waiting to go into my therapist's office. I am still in a state of confusion. I don't know how to make sense of everything I'm going through, but I'm looking forward to my meeting today. In hope of finding some direction.

 

As for your guy, I know you think he doesn't think of you and it certainly feels that way since so much time has passed. How do you know he still has the same job and schedule? Just like I saw my guy friended the email woman and then deleted her, I can conclude they are now in communication. This is out of control now. He has been in and out of communication with her for so long now. This is ridiculous. I need to stop here before I become angry. I'll write more when I get out of my appointment.

 

Take care lostlove. Hang in there.

 

Thank you ksol, and I hope you find more strength today as well. Hopefully the therapy appt will help you make some sense of it. Maybe it will give some direction to your thoughts. Like me, your mind is all over the place thinking one minute that it was your fault, the next that it was his. One minute telling yourself that you were wrong in the past about what he was thinking, then telling yourself that he truly doesn't care. I totally get it. It's all one big tangle of confusion. I think this is what happens when there is no communication - your mind tries desperately hard to fill in the blanks, and you look for any small clue to help you reach some conclusion. My mind races a million miles a minute doing this type of thing. The outside world is nothing but a fog, because I can't get out of my own head. We can try and try to figure out what they're doing or thinking or feeling, but we really don't know unless we hear it from them. He is probably wondering the same things about you, although at least for him, he doesn't have to worry about you being with someone else because you're not that type of person.

 

I'm very curious about the phone call. I really don't think it was an accident. What would be the odds, unless he was looking at old texts and his finger hit the call button or something. He had some purpose for calling - we just don't know what it was. I would gently suggest considering answering if he tries again; if nothing else, just so you don't have to wonder. Of course I never answered mine when he called in the end, except the one time when I b*+tched him out for two hours. I'm not even sure I would answer if he called today.

 

Maybe the fb thing is new. I googled a while back and found that anyone in your phone contacts, as well as anyone you've previously messaged with on fb, will show up in your chat list. I don't know how long this has been a thing. Just one more thing to drive us crazy, I guess! A source of "clues."

 

Let me know what your therapist says. I'll check back in. And BEG, I'll read and reply to your post after I eat something.

[Ksol9]

Thank you browneyedgirl and lostlove. My appointment went great. Before I go into detail about what we spoke about. I wanted to touch on something we've been discussing here the past couple of days regarding facebook. I told my therapist what happened with him friending the email woman and how I sent him some final text messages. He said exactly what we have been discussing here. BEG made some excellent points. My therapist said its absolutely normal to wonder what they are doing. He said I wouldnt believe how many people come into his office and talk about these sorts of things. Shifting focus....that is what is most important right now. As BEG said, focus on the future is whats important. I really love what you said about not focusing on the rearview. This is pretty much what my therapist focused on today. I found it so ironic that this is what we (lostlove, BEG, Ms. Darcy, Clarisse, and myself) have been discussing here the past few days.

 

Lostlove,

 

The absolute truth of the matter is...we don't know for sure what they are doing...you said it correctly, we are just looking for something..anything to put together something that makes sense in our minds. Most of my visit with my therapist was spent talking about my negative mindset and how what I focus on becomes reality. I will probably always carry guilt that I wasnt wise enough to let the past be the past and focus on our future together. He tried over and over to get me to forget about the past. That's all said and done. The relationship is over now. I definitely see now in retrospect, that although it wasn't my fault alone, I see that my inability to forgive and refocus on the future is the reason it sent my relationship spinning out of control and with his inability to properly cope and deal with conflict, we blew up in flames.

 

It is much easier said and done to stop wondering, to stop searching, looking at facebook. I even wonder what my guy is thinking about me. He can not see anything on my facebook, I haven't been at work because I've been running errands...he hasn't seen anything nor has he heard anything from me. He probably thinks I could care less and maybe he doesn't care either. My mind has concluded that he is occupied with other women. One thing though, my guy is not a sociable person. He likes solitude. He'll sit and watch podcasts on youtube for hours. He doesn't like bars or clubs. He's not a ladies man. He's a deep thinker and values alone time. While I would like to think he is taking this time to think about it all, my mind has already gone to dark places..I think he is just looking for someone to hook up with and isn't thinking about me at all.

 

I noticed over the weekend he was on facebook quite a bit. Signing on once or twice every hour. Then Monday rolled around and he wasn't on for much of the day until late at night. Today, he was on a few times in the morning and then the rest of the day, silence. He hasn't been posting anything. With that being said, I am assuming he is keeping himself busy with work or video games or a new female friend that is not on facebook. Who knows. I'm trying not to assume because in reality I can't know for sure. I feel really silly about all of this, but everything is so fresh and I am working so hard to focus on what is to come rather than what happened. I can not do anything about what happened..it happened and as a result, my relationship is over. I don't know what he is thinking or if he is thinking about me. I too, thought maybe he was scrolling through old messages or contacts and accidentally called me yesterday. I never heard anything else after that. If he wants to contact me again, he will.

 

I thought about your suggestion about contacting him. I just can't. Not after the things he said to me. I'm sure he is thinking the same thing if he is even thinking about contacting me. I said some really horrible things to him in the days leading up to the break up. For example, the day before...I told him I was numb, that I didn't feel anything and then I stormed out during an argument. The things he last said to me in those text messages are nothing compared to the horrible things I said to him. If I were him, I wouldnt contact me either. Every day that passes, I realize that I can not contact him. My therapist agreed with that and he said...what will be, will be. If he really did love me, as I'd like to believe, he will find a way to contact me again. He takes alot of time to think and I think it takes him a long time to get over his anger....it may take him a long time to reach out to me again if ever. I have to leave things as they are for one reason....this takes two. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. I started therapy at the perfect time. We broke up the day before my first visit. Within my first 2 visits, I've already realized that this journey is about me. I have to work on myself in order for things to change. He has to work on himself in order for things to change. If we ever do reconcile this time, we will have to work together.

 

I feel for the first time in a long time, that I am actually doing something and making progress about this negative mind of mine. I am working so hard on shifting my focus. Therapy is a great way to do that. This therapist is far better than my last. My previous therapist was great, but I think we lost focus. Hopefully, this will go better with this new therapist. I'm so optimistic. During both breakups, I was lost. I started therapy during the first breakup. This breakup I feel more focused and through the confusion I understand what is wrong and what I can do about my mishaps. I see and feel a breakthrough already on my second visit. I'm really excited for the progress I know I'm going to make. I hope it is not too late for my relationship. I just hope and pray he will contact me again with a change of heart, but if he doesn't I understand. This work I am doing is for myself..not for anyone else. For my future...and my future relationship. I'm a little worried about the costs though. This therapist is a little over twice the cost as the other therapist. I don't mind going weekly since the breakup is so recent but I will most likely have to cut down to 2 times a month in a few months once my life has stabilized.

 

The first week since the breakup, I have been feeling very confused, anxious about him and what he is doing, just distraught. I'm sure I will still go back and forth through emotions, but I have a little better idea on what I need to begin to do, because it doesn't happen overnight. Ive realized this from my chats here on the forum and through my therapist that I need to focus on what is to come and what I want to accomplish. Should he ever come back, I'm going to be prepared. To start...I am going to start taking breaks from facebook. There's nothing there for me to see anyway.

 

I don't know what he is thinking. I'm going to drive myself insane searching for a sign. I need to let him go and focus on myself and healing and learning and growing. I don't even know if he will contact me again. It's been one week and according to the way things have gone in the past, it's much too soon. I cringe at the thought of this carrying on for weeks or even months. I cringe at the thought of what will happen to me on the weekends when I know he doesn't have work. I am so afraid he will start this relationship with the email woman again where she visits every other weekend. I need to stop thinking. One day at a time. I have to continue to fight through this.

[lostlove76]

Lostlove, I know you think many of us won't understand, but I do, to an extent at least. I wasn't friends with my ex on FB the whole time we were off-on, but my "drug of choice" was AOL instant messenger (you can tell that was awhile ago -- LOL!) We would often have long conversations on there, and when things were "off" or were iffy, I'd go on there under a different screenname (one he wasn't aware of) and see if he was on, for how long, etc. I used it to assure myself that he was home at night, and if I saw him on there on Friday or Saturday nights, it gave me comfort thinking he was home, on his computer, instead of out with some other woman. Now, I realize that all I was doing was creating a story in my head, based on NO info whatsoever than a little green dot telling me he was online -- I was making up this whole narrative about what he was and wasn't doing, and with whom -- based on almost nothing. And, when we did become friends on FB, I remember seeing a few pictures online of him in groups and spending forever scrutinizing ONE photo to determine whether the woman sitting in front of him in the photo was his new girlfriend (in fact, it was -- the one he brought to work with him one day -- UGH!). Prior to that, I had seen a photo of him and a bunch of people -- including his previous ex (!) -- at some event, and I had scrutinized that one, too, to determine whether or not they were "together" in that photo ("They're not sitting together, but... " "She doesn't look like she's having a great time, but..") It was ridiculous, truly. Such a waste of my time and energy. The funny thing is, I rarely looked at his actual timeline -- I would see these photos because someone else would tag him, and they would show up in my newsfeed. I finally realized, because of my tendency to make up stories and obsess over them, I had to stop looking. I didn't know about "unfollowing" at the time, and I didn't want to unfriend him (I have since done so, but at the time I didn't want to risk awkwardness when he noticed, and he's the type to say something). I just started not looking at FB at all from Thursday night until Monday morning (because that's when he was posting and people were tagging him in pictures -- on the weekends). I did that until I finally stopped caring what he did and with whom. I haven't, in probably three years, even been tempted to look at his FB, and I finally unfriended him early last year, so now I don't see anything (not that I'd care anymore, anyway).

 

The point to all this: I DO understand, which is why I'm telling you (and ksol) from my personal experience that monitoring an ex's online activity is the WORST thing you can do if you want to heal. In the absence of any real, concrete information, our minds go to dark places, and if you're an obsessive person/a worrier (as I am prone to be -- I have to stay away from sites like Web MD when I'm having medical symptoms, for that reason!) you'll create elaborate narratives of worst case scenarios that are never ending. I know I am a person who is prone to this -- some people call it "catastrophizing" -- so I have to remind myself not to go too far down the rabbit hole (with Web MD or with other things that could make me freak out needlessly).

 

I still maintain -- and always will -- that the path to healing begins by shifting your focus from HIM onto YOU. Instead of "I wonder what he's doing right now?" it should be "What am I doing right now?" Instead of "He's probably thinking/feeling xyz" it should be "What am *I* thinking/feeling now?" Instead of diagnosing him, identifying his issues, work on identifying your own (first step toward fixing/changing them). I was unable to move on at all until I turned things around on myself and stopped distracting myself with thoughts of him. Thinking about him -- what he's thinking/feeling/doing and who he's keeping company with (or not) is just a way to distract yourself from digging deep and looking at what YOUR issues are. I say this not to be harsh -- I've been there. I could write a dissertation on it.

 

My hope for both of you is that you can -- even gradually -- shift your focus. That's the surest way to start t move forward. Remember, the windshield of the car is far bigger than the rearview mirror for a reason: What's ahead is what you need to focus on. What's behind you is just something to glance at every so often, fleetingly, to remind yourself of how far you've come.

 

Thank you so much for this BEG. I can see that you really do understand, since you've been there. You described it perfectly. On a side note, I'm the same way about googling symptoms - I can't do it, because I will inevitably freak myself out! I purposely avoid any medical shows on tv, or articles that pop up on fb, because I WILL convince myself that I have some horrible disease if I hear or see any tidbit of info. It terrifies me.

 

I'm sure your suggestion to quit looking is the right way to go. Even more so, focusing on myself. I don't really know how to describe what keeps me from making those kinds of efforts to move on. This sounds bad, but it's like I don't even WANT to be happy if he isn't in my life. I truly feel he was my one and only soulmate, and that happiness cannot exist in his absence. Just being honest here. I've never felt that way about anyone else, and I don't think I ever will again. Him going on and on about how I was his soulmate, and how we were meant to be together, and how in love he was, has made it all the harder to let go. It confuses me how he could say all that and then just hop right on to the next and the next and the next. I fear that he's telling these other girls the same things, and that what we had was not at all special to him despite what he said. If he truly felt I was his soulmate, he wouldn't have let me go, would he? These thoughts just kill me. And like I was just saying, I don't even want to be happy without him. To me, love, and having a partner in life, is the most important of all. Without that, nothing else matters. I don't know how to get around this and move on, since those are my beliefs. Life just feels so empty right now. And I'm lonely. I'm not usually the type to feel lonely; I love my alone time, I keep very few friends, I make no effort to make new ones, and I keep everyone (except for my parents) at arms length. By choice. And yet I'm deeply, deeply lonely right now without him. I miss him.

[lostlove76]

Ksol,

I was in the middle of reading your post and just wanted to type this real quick before I finish reading, so that I don't forget. I believe that IF - and that's a big if - your guy is looking to hook up right now, it's simply to avoid dealing with loss. I read a great article somewhere that talked about how the more extreme your guy's actions are after a breakup, the more you can be sure it's affecting him. They listed a bunch of possible reactions, and some of them were hooking up with lots of women, jumping right into a new relationship, getting really angry and being a jerk, and/or going completely cold. Apparently, this is how guys deal with things. They don't have the same coping mechanisms that we do; women talk to others about their feelings (like we're doing here!) and take the time to process things. Men generally don't do this, because 1) they were never taught how, and 2) they see it as weak for men to talk about their feelings. So instead, they do things like I listed above. So again, IF he's trying to hook up, it isn't because he doesn't care. Although I know it feels and appears that way for sure.

[Ksol9]

Thank you so much for this BEG. I can see that you really do understand, since you've been there. You described it perfectly. On a side note, I'm the same way about googling symptoms - I can't do it, because I will inevitably freak myself out! I purposely avoid any medical shows on tv, or articles that pop up on fb, because I WILL convince myself that I have some horrible disease if I hear or see any tidbit of info. It terrifies me.

 

I'm sure your suggestion to quit looking is the right way to go. Even more so, focusing on myself. I don't really know how to describe what keeps me from making those kinds of efforts to move on. This sounds bad, but it's like I don't even WANT to be happy if he isn't in my life. I truly feel he was my one and only soulmate, and that happiness cannot exist in his absence. Just being honest here. I've never felt that way about anyone else, and I don't think I ever will again. Him going on and on about how I was his soulmate, and how we were meant to be together, and how in love he was, has made it all the harder to let go. It confuses me how he could say all that and then just hop right on to the next and the next and the next. I fear that he's telling these other girls the same things, and that what we had was not at all special to him despite what he said. If he truly felt I was his soulmate, he wouldn't have let me go, would he? These thoughts just kill me. And like I was just saying, I don't even want to be happy without him. To me, love, and having a partner in life, is the most important of all. Without that, nothing else matters. I don't know how to get around this and move on, since those are my beliefs. Life just feels so empty right now. And I'm lonely. I'm not usually the type to feel lonely; I love my alone time, I keep very few friends, I make no effort to make new ones, and I keep everyone (except for my parents) at arms length. By choice. And yet I'm deeply, deeply lonely right now without him. I miss him.

 

 

What I highlighted in bold sounds alot like my guy. He doesn't have many friends and they are kept at arms length. Youre alot like in regards to processing anger as well. I just wanted to write about that, but on to what you're experiencing. I can totally understand why you don't want to move on. It's ok to feel that way. You feel strongly and passionately. You love with your whole being. There is nothing wrong with that. I am the same way and sometimes I wonder if its my downfall. I can totally understand why you wouldn't even want to move forward with your life. If you felt so strongly about him, of course it wouldn't be easy to walk away. Men are so different in that sense and some women as well. They can move on with someone else. Society today allows for those things. It seems like people dont value relationships these days. You and I are probably a minority. I cant see myself moving on so easily. I dread the thought of being stuck in these feelings for very long. I'm literally in tears thinking that is a possibility if he truly does move on. There is nothing that I or anyone else could suggest you try to move on lostlove. This is something you have to do for yourself and on your own. I have read about people being separate for years and never truly forgetting about eachother..only to reunite.

 

I just remembered something my therapist said.....he is not ready to be with you right now..he has work to do.

Gosh the days are too long. I do well for the first part of the day, but then it just goes downhill. Him not being ready may be true for your guy as well lostlove. If he just jumps from woman to woman, he may not be ready for a serious commitment and he wont be ready until he decides it is time. Any woman can come and go and if he isn't ready, it wont work out. You've said many times that you know he is a commitment phobe. I think you've made the best decision for yourself to bow out of the picture while he goes through whatever struggle he is going through. There will come a day where it will all get old for him

 

I keep thinking about what my therapist said. Maybe that is why him and I have been in this power struggle. There I go again thinking about the past. That's done now. Looking forward, as I sit here in my room, I don't know why I have all this false hope. He does not want to be with me. He left very angry with me and most likely that anger is not going to go anywhere. I am sitting here missing the entire point. Focus on the future and forget about him. He is not in the picture anymore. Why do I think things could possibly happen as they did in the past? He is not sitting at home thinking about me. There is nothing restricting him anymore. He has no children. He can come and go as he pleases. Why in the world would he even think about going back to a relationship with a woman who made like hell by thinking of the past and creating arguments every other day? There is no way in hell he is going to even think about mending things with me. It's been one week and no word from him. This wasn't just a fight and he was so angry that he ended things. If he realized he made a mistake, he would have done so already. And I keep looking at his facebook. He hasn't been on since this morning. He must be keeping occupied with someone else.

 

I need to get myself out of this dark room. Maybe have something to eat. Not feeling so well right now.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thank you so much for this BEG. I can see that you really do understand, since you've been there. You described it perfectly. On a side note, I'm the same way about googling symptoms - I can't do it, because I will inevitably freak myself out! I purposely avoid any medical shows on tv, or articles that pop up on fb, because I WILL convince myself that I have some horrible disease if I hear or see any tidbit of info. It terrifies me.

 

I'm sure your suggestion to quit looking is the right way to go. Even more so, focusing on myself. I don't really know how to describe what keeps me from making those kinds of efforts to move on. This sounds bad, but it's like I don't even WANT to be happy if he isn't in my life. I truly feel he was my one and only soulmate, and that happiness cannot exist in his absence. Just being honest here. I've never felt that way about anyone else, and I don't think I ever will again. Him going on and on about how I was his soulmate, and how we were meant to be together, and how in love he was, has made it all the harder to let go. It confuses me how he could say all that and then just hop right on to the next and the next and the next. I fear that he's telling these other girls the same things, and that what we had was not at all special to him despite what he said. If he truly felt I was his soulmate, he wouldn't have let me go, would he? These thoughts just kill me. And like I was just saying, I don't even want to be happy without him. To me, love, and having a partner in life, is the most important of all. Without that, nothing else matters. I don't know how to get around this and move on, since those are my beliefs. Life just feels so empty right now. And I'm lonely. I'm not usually the type to feel lonely; I love my alone time, I keep very few friends, I make no effort to make new ones, and I keep everyone (except for my parents) at arms length. By choice. And yet I'm deeply, deeply lonely right now without him. I miss him.

 

I recall having these same feelings -- remember thinking I could NEVER EVER be happy without my ex, that I would never have anyone like him again, life was so empty, etc. -- the whole nine yards. Do you know what I figured out, finally? That ALL of that had NOTHING to do with him and how great he was and how he was my "soulmate" (a concept I don't believe in, btw) or any of that. It had to do with ME, and my issues, and what was missing in my life. Looking back, I realize that not only was he NOT the "love of my life," he was actually quite the opposite -- when I was all entangled with him, I hated myself (something I wouldn't admit at the time, but something I can see VERY clearly now). I will stop short of saying he *made* me hate myself, because no one can make me think or feel anything I'm not on board for, but being involved with him tapped into every insecurity, every past issue I had with self-esteem and self-worth, and really, truly made me into a mess. Part of that, too, was loneliness. When I first started dating him, I so desperately wanted a partner -- wanted the security that came with having a person in my life who was "there" -- physically, emotionally, etc. so that I wasn't "alone." And, I felt so abnormal -- I'd been single for a long time prior to that, with almost no dates to speak of, and I felt like there was something "wrong" with me. So, when he came along, even though I knew, early on, that he was trouble, I went with it because, as I told a friend of mine (in attempting to explain the toxic hold he had on me): when he's "into" me, he's realllllly into me, and I feel like the most important person in the world. (Of course, I added to that "Until, suddenly, he's NOT into me anymore -- then he's REAAAAALLLLLY not, and I feel like garbage.") The thing is, my pain and suffering over this guy were not ultimately about him -- they were about ME and how I felt about myself -- insecure, desperate to not be "alone," desperate to be loved, terrified of not being "good enough." See a pattern there? It's all about fear and desperation, and as I always say on here, decisions -- at least relationship decisions -- made out of fear or desperation NEVER come to any good.

 

Looking back, with a clear head, I can see my ex for what he was (and likely still is): Someone with serious issues (ones that go WAY back to his childhood) who is not capable of healthy, lasting relationships; a poor communicator; dismissive, cold; arrogant/full of himself; and, at his core, deeply, deeply self-loathing. All of his relationships -- from the one with his parents to ones with our colleagues to his romantic relationships -- have ALL been rocky/inconsistent. He is someone that the person I am now -- grounded, steady, self-loving and self-respecting, with healthy boundaries -- would NEVER give the time of day to.

 

As I said before, I could write a dissertation on this stuff. I spent FIVE years chasing (not really literally, but at least passively waiting for) someone who was never going to be the person I needed him to be and was never going to give me the love I thought I needed. I finally moved on when I had no choice; at that point, I felt as though my whole world had been destroyed. And it had, in a way, but that was a good thing because out of that pile of rubble came something entirely new and different and SO much better, and richer. I once thought I would never be happy again, would be "alone forever" and now, I'm in the best, healthiest relationship I've ever been in with the best, healthiest person I've ever been with. Yeah, it took till I was 44 years old, but I remember, not too long before I met him, thinking to myself "I don't care how long it takes. I'll be single another decade if it means I find the RIGHT person." I wouldn't be here, though, if I had not gotten to a place where staying where I was was no longer a viable alternative for me -- where the only way to go was up.

 

He's not "the love of your life."

He's not your "soulmate."

He's not your "last chance at happiness."

You are not "meant to be" with him forever.

 

You CAN be happy without him. I promise you. You just have to want to be. You have to want to start living for yourself -- not for some absent person who drinks too much, chases after married women, and acts like he can take you or leave you. You have to believe you deserve better than that. If you don't, you'll never find it.

 

Being happy -- or at least being at peace with one's life (because I'm not sure being "happy" is something we can all realistically attain on a consistent basis) is a choice. It's a commitment that requires a lot of work. It requires knowing yourself -- being brutally honest with yourself. It can be a VERY lonely road. I remember thinking that, aside from my parents and a few close friends, I was all alone in the world in the sense that, though they would be there for me if I really needed them, other people really couldn't ultimately help me. I had to help myself -- to rely on myself. And I did. I'm happy to see that you can at least admit that, at this point, you don't WANT to be happy without him. That requires some brutal honesty, and while it's not the healthiest place to be, at least you're acknowledging that it's you who is keeping you stuck -- not him.

 

You and ksol both sound like wonderful, lovely people, and I really, really hope that one day, you'll be able to look back on this and realize that this was just a blip on the radar of your life -- one that prompted you to move forward to bigger and better things. The world is a very big place. Don't limit yourself.

[lostlove76]

Hi again. I'm so glad that you like your new therapist, and that you have him during this time. Thank you for sharing what he tells you, as it helps me to hear it as well. I can see the cost being an issue, but like you said, you can cut back to twice a month after you get over the major hump here. The cost is worth it, as long as you're not living on the streets because of it (which you aren't).

 

It sounds like you're definitely having moments of strength during the day, and then falling back into the anxiety and pain and dark thoughts. Totally normal. Hang onto the strength as much as you can, but don't fault yourself for the other times.

 

I'm on my laptop, so I can quote a few things:

 

I just remembered something my therapist said.....he is not ready to be with you right now..he has work to do.

Gosh the days are too long. I do well for the first part of the day, but then it just goes downhill. Him not being ready may be true for your guy as well lostlove. If he just jumps from woman to woman, he may not be ready for a serious commitment and he wont be ready until he decides it is time. Any woman can come and go and if he isn't ready, it wont work out. You've said many times that you know he is a commitment phobe. I think you've made the best decision for yourself to bow out of the picture while he goes through whatever struggle he is going through. There will come a day where it will all get old for him

There is nothing restricting him anymore. He has no children. He can come and go as he pleases.

Just like you're telling me, this will get old for your guy, if he is in fact hooking up with the married woman or anyone else (and we don't know that he is). People think they want freedom, but what they trade in is love and comfort and security and safety and substance. I can't see him having anything with her that is beyond the shallow, and that gets old fast. And by contrast, he will realize what he had with you.

 

Why in the world would he even think about going back to a relationship with a woman who made like hell by thinking of the past and creating arguments every other day?

All couples fight. All couples face challenges. I guess *commitment* means making the choice to stick it out no matter what, even through the bad times. When he is upset with you for not letting the past go, he is failing to see that he caused (most of) this by doing what he did. If he had never done anything to betray you, then he would get to blame it all on you! But that's not the case, is it? He DID do something that caused, or at least highly contributed to, your behaviors towards him.

 

And I keep looking at his facebook. He hasn't been on since this morning. He must be keeping occupied with someone else.

I haven't seen mine on today at all, either, and the ex hasn't been on since very early this morning. Whereas yesterday, they were both online all freaking day. Really hard not to form an assumption about that. They live 5 hours apart, so it's not as if they're physically together, but it seems to indicate they've been talking. With your guy, though, he's probably just busy with work or running errands. Or maybe he's forcing himself to stay off so as not to try to see what you're doing. There are other explanations other than him being occupied with someone else. Sometimes people will get on facebook a bunch, and then need a break from it for a day or two.

 

It's been one week and no word from him.

Except that he did try to call last night. There's only a small chance that it was a mistake, and not very probable.

 

One day at a time. I have to continue to fight through this.

That's all we can do. One moment at a time, even. Just be patient with yourself, and don't be hard on yourself for anything that you're thinking or feeling. It just makes it worse if you fight against yourself - just let the thoughts and feelings flow as they come. You can try to direct your thoughts onto a healthier path, for sure, but I'm just saying not to beat yourself up for the times when your mind is racing or you just feel like you're drowning. Hugs.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove,

 

I am definitely having a difficult time at the moment. This is so emotionally draining. I think I might have forgotten what it was like, had I not, I would have done everything possible to prolong or avoid that breaking point he reached. I was not prepared for this. This feeling is so unexplainable. I highly doubt he is going through anything close to what I am feeling. At least I have my family and people to talk to in the evening when I come home, but he doesn't have anyone in that house (not that I know of). I can't imagine him going through what I'm feeling. If anything he is probably very sad about his children not being there. I am sure he is constantly on the phone with them. I noticed he hasn't been on facebook since this morning. I'm curious to know what he is doing to keep himself busy. It's not going to help me to continue to wonder. In fact, I think I will drive myself crazy. There is nothing I can do about anything he chooses to do. We are not together and we may never get back together. I just can't stop thinking about him. I feel so helpless. I keep trying to remind myself that he doesn't want anything to do with me, why would he be thinking about me? Toughen up ksol!

 

I believe that IF - and that's a big if - your guy is looking to hook up right now, it's simply to avoid dealing with loss. I read a great article somewhere that talked about how the more extreme your guy's actions are after a breakup, the more you can be sure it's affecting him. They listed a bunch of possible reactions, and some of them were hooking up with lots of women, jumping right into a new relationship, getting really angry and being a jerk, and/or going completely cold. Apparently, this is how guys deal with things. They don't have the same coping mechanisms that we do; women talk to others about their feelings (like we're doing here!) and take the time to process things. Men generally don't do this, because 1) they were never taught how, and 2) they see it as weak for men to talk about their feelings. So instead, they do things like I listed above. So again, IF he's trying to hook up, it isn't because he doesn't care. Although I know it feels and appears that way for sure. [/Quote]

 

I remember reading about something like this somewhere and I remember you telling me men process things differently and at different times than women. They take longer to process things. It was only those first couple of days that I saw he was acting out. He immediately left town with the children. He friended the married woman in the middle of the night. He had sent extremely angry text messages. I can understand at that time he was reacting to what was going on. He was under an enormous amount of stress with the children moving and then with the headaches I was giving him. BUT when he returned home, it has been complete silence on both ends. He deleted some our photos and some of them are still there...that was on Saturday night, but since then...silence. There has been little to no activity on facebook. I haven't seen him around town and no communication from him. Granted he did make a phone call. I still think it was a mistake. I didn't hear the phone ring, I saw a missed call when I got back to my car. I think if it was about the wallet or transponder he would have sent a text. I'm trying not to look too much into that. He was extremely angry with me, almost like he hated me and didn't want a thing to do with me. I have no reason to believe his feelings have changed. For all I know he still feels the same way. I know nothing....nothing at all. He doesn't want me in his life..that's all I know. Time is all I can give myself. Time is the only thing that will heal me. Torture I tell you...torture.

 

People think they want freedom, but what they trade in is love and comfort and security and safety and substance. I can't see him having anything with her that is beyond the shallow, and that gets old fast. And by contrast, he will realize what he had with you.

 

You may be right, but what if that is exactly what he wants. Maybe he doesn't want love, comfort, safety and security that he had with me. Maybe he is happier being alone. He was just so angry with me. I'm angry he could just throw me away like he did.

 

All couples fight. All couples face challenges. I guess *commitment* means making the choice to stick it out no matter what, even through the bad times. When he is upset with you for not letting the past go, he is failing to see that he caused (most of) this by doing what he did. If he had never done anything to betray you, then he would get to blame it all on you! But that's not the case, is it? He DID do something that caused, or at least highly contributed to, your behaviors towards him.

 

You're absolutely correct. All couples go through ups and downs. I remember him saying that he knew things would not be the same after the email issue. He was right in a sense. He said I wouldn't let it go and I didn't. What he didn't understand is that it just doesn't go away just because you say so. It takes work and time. Our relationship needing nurturing and he wasn't able to do so with all the things going on. I pushed it because I was getting impatient. I pushed it too far. He just gave up. I don't think he's going to change his mind. This is too much for him to handle.

 

I haven't seen mine on today at all, either, and the ex hasn't been on since very early this morning. Whereas yesterday, they were both online all freaking day. Really hard not to form an assumption about that. They live 5 hours apart, so it's not as if they're physically together, but it seems to indicate they've been talking. With your guy, though, he's probably just busy with work or running errands. Or maybe he's forcing himself to stay off so as not to try to see what you're doing. There are other explanations other than him being occupied with someone else. Sometimes people will get on facebook a bunch, and then need a break from it for a day or two.

 

I thought about this also. He may not be interested in facebook and just needs a break. He may be submerging himself in work and when he gets home he just wants to talk to the children and relax. I don't know how he is spending his time because the children have always been there. He had over a week off from work and normally he only works in the morning hours and is home the rest of the day. That may have changed now that he is back to work after an extended vacation. Maybe he isn't even interested in spending time with a woman, but then again I think about how he deleted the married woman when I brought it to his attention that I saw it. Just because he deleted her doesn't mean they are still not in communication. Maybe he just needs a time out from everything. I really don't know and I shouldn't assume..I'll never know. It won't do me any good. All I know is that he isn't turning toward me to mend this. I know day after day will go by and I won't hear from him. I need to face that reality. Every time I get a text message, the notification sound scares me. I just want it to be him so badly, but I know that isn't likely. This doesn't seem to be another break for us. This is him trying to move on with his life. It seems permanent this time. Then again, I thought the other times were permanent. I just remembered the last text he sent said something about how he doesn't know how we lasted this long...ughh. He isn't coming back is he?

 

That's all we can do. One moment at a time, even. Just be patient with yourself, and don't be hard on yourself for anything that you're thinking or feeling. It just makes it worse if you fight against yourself - just let the thoughts and feelings flow as they come. You can try to direct your thoughts onto a healthier path, for sure, but I'm just saying not to beat yourself up for the times when your mind is racing or you just feel like you're drowning. Hugs.

 

Thank you so much for your support right now. God knows I need it. I have been very honest about my feelings here. I know this process is necessary, but it's all so hard...so so hard. All I do is think about him. I am thinking about the future but I cant think that very far ahead. Everything is just so foggy. I don't know what to do or if there is anything I can do. Sometimes it crosses my mind that it is my duty to call him to apologize after all the things I said preceding the breakup. I said some horrible things the days before the breakup. What am i saying? It doesn't matter anymore. He doesn't want to hear anything about that...muchless hear from me period. I've got to wait, be patient with myself, and just hope this gets easier in time.

 

Thank you again lostlove, don't worry yourself too much about the ex. I didn't realize she lived so far away from him. Even more of a reason not to worry. I know I sound hypocritical because the married woman in my story lives 3 hours away, but I don't see a situation like that lasting long at all. If they are talking, I believe its just casual talk. Is your guy always involved with a woman or does he take breaks? I mean is he just single at times?

 

I took a little break to eat and shower. I'm still not feeling better. This is going to be a long night. I just miss him so much. I wish I didn't.

[lostlove76]

I recall having these same feelings -- remember thinking I could NEVER EVER be happy without my ex, that I would never have anyone like him again, life was so empty, etc. -- the whole nine yards. Do you know what I figured out, finally? That ALL of that had NOTHING to do with him and how great he was and how he was my "soulmate" (a concept I don't believe in, btw) or any of that. It had to do with ME, and my issues, and what was missing in my life. Looking back, I realize that not only was he NOT the "love of my life," he was actually quite the opposite -- when I was all entangled with him, I hated myself (something I wouldn't admit at the time, but something I can see VERY clearly now). I will stop short of saying he *made* me hate myself, because no one can make me think or feel anything I'm not on board for, but being involved with him tapped into every insecurity, every past issue I had with self-esteem and self-worth, and really, truly made me into a mess. Part of that, too, was loneliness. When I first started dating him, I so desperately wanted a partner -- wanted the security that came with having a person in my life who was "there" -- physically, emotionally, etc. so that I wasn't "alone." And, I felt so abnormal -- I'd been single for a long time prior to that, with almost no dates to speak of, and I felt like there was something "wrong" with me. So, when he came along, even though I knew, early on, that he was trouble, I went with it because, as I told a friend of mine (in attempting to explain the toxic hold he had on me): when he's "into" me, he's realllllly into me, and I feel like the most important person in the world. (Of course, I added to that "Until, suddenly, he's NOT into me anymore -- then he's REAAAAALLLLLY not, and I feel like garbage.") The thing is, my pain and suffering over this guy were not ultimately about him -- they were about ME and how I felt about myself -- insecure, desperate to not be "alone," desperate to be loved, terrified of not being "good enough." See a pattern there? It's all about fear and desperation, and as I always say on here, decisions -- at least relationship decisions -- made out of fear or desperation NEVER come to any good.

 

Looking back, with a clear head, I can see my ex for what he was (and likely still is): Someone with serious issues (ones that go WAY back to his childhood) who is not capable of healthy, lasting relationships; a poor communicator; dismissive, cold; arrogant/full of himself; and, at his core, deeply, deeply self-loathing. All of his relationships -- from the one with his parents to ones with our colleagues to his romantic relationships -- have ALL been rocky/inconsistent. He is someone that the person I am now -- grounded, steady, self-loving and self-respecting, with healthy boundaries -- would NEVER give the time of day to.

 

As I said before, I could write a dissertation on this stuff. I spent FIVE years chasing (not really literally, but at least passively waiting for) someone who was never going to be the person I needed him to be and was never going to give me the love I thought I needed. I finally moved on when I had no choice; at that point, I felt as though my whole world had been destroyed. And it had, in a way, but that was a good thing because out of that pile of rubble came something entirely new and different and SO much better, and richer. I once thought I would never be happy again, would be "alone forever" and now, I'm in the best, healthiest relationship I've ever been in with the best, healthiest person I've ever been with. Yeah, it took till I was 44 years old, but I remember, not too long before I met him, thinking to myself "I don't care how long it takes. I'll be single another decade if it means I find the RIGHT person." I wouldn't be here, though, if I had not gotten to a place where staying where I was was no longer a viable alternative for me -- where the only way to go was up.

 

He's not "the love of your life."

He's not your "soulmate."

He's not your "last chance at happiness."

You are not "meant to be" with him forever.

 

You CAN be happy without him. I promise you. You just have to want to be. You have to want to start living for yourself -- not for some absent person who drinks too much, chases after married women, and acts like he can take you or leave you. You have to believe you deserve better than that. If you don't, you'll never find it.

 

Being happy -- or at least being at peace with one's life (because I'm not sure being "happy" is something we can all realistically attain on a consistent basis) is a choice. It's a commitment that requires a lot of work. It requires knowing yourself -- being brutally honest with yourself. It can be a VERY lonely road. I remember thinking that, aside from my parents and a few close friends, I was all alone in the world in the sense that, though they would be there for me if I really needed them, other people really couldn't ultimately help me. I had to help myself -- to rely on myself. And I did. I'm happy to see that you can at least admit that, at this point, you don't WANT to be happy without him. That requires some brutal honesty, and while it's not the healthiest place to be, at least you're acknowledging that it's you who is keeping you stuck -- not him.

 

You and ksol both sound like wonderful, lovely people, and I really, really hope that one day, you'll be able to look back on this and realize that this was just a blip on the radar of your life -- one that prompted you to move forward to bigger and better things. The world is a very big place. Don't limit yourself.

 

Thank you so much for this, BEG. Your compassion and understanding made me tear up; I really appreciate it. Everything you're saying makes good sense, and while I can't make myself feel this way at the moment (that I deserve happiness, that there is someone out there who is better for me, etc), I can at least believe that what you are saying is true. He brought out a lot of good in me, and actually made me feel good about myself in a lot of ways. But he also brought to the surface a ton of anxiety, insecurity, jealousy, fear, and desperation; I rarely showed those things to him, but I felt them, every single day. I had to constantly worry that he was cheating, or that he randomly wouldn't call for several days. I passively waited on him for two years, just like you described - and I'm still doing it. The whole entire experience has led me into this deep dark hole that I can't seem to climb out of. And he DID act like he could take me or leave me, even while verbally telling me otherwise. It was extremely confusing. I wonder sometimes if I came across to him that way, as well, because I honestly tried very hard to. I didn't want to give him the power of knowing how much he meant to me. I said to him all the same words he said to me, and I showed a lot of love as long as he showed it first - but I never initiated much of anything, then refused to take his calls a hundred times in the last six months. I wouldn't have felt the need to do that if he hadn't done it first. Part of me sometimes hopes that I "won" - that he felt just as unwanted and unloved by me in the end as I felt by him. But I doubt he even cared, which is the most hurtful thing of all.

 

Maybe one day I'll see the way up and out of this, like you did. Thank you again

[lostlove76]

I remember reading about something like this somewhere and I remember you telling me men process things differently and at different times than women. They take longer to process things. It was only those first couple of days that I saw he was acting out. He immediately left town with the children. He friended the married woman in the middle of the night. He had sent extremely angry text messages. I can understand at that time he was reacting to what was going on. He was under an enormous amount of stress with the children moving and then with the headaches I was giving him. BUT when he returned home, it has been complete silence on both ends. He deleted some our photos and some of them are still there...that was on Saturday night, but since then...silence. There has been little to no activity on facebook. I haven't seen him around town and no communication from him. Granted he did make a phone call. I still think it was a mistake. I didn't hear the phone ring, I saw a missed call when I got back to my car. I think if it was about the wallet or transponder he would have sent a text.

I really don't think the call was a mistake. Perhaps he wanted the wallet and transponder, and knew from experience that if he texted about it, you wouldn't reply. It could be as simple as that, or maybe he wanted to talk. But I very much doubt it was a mistake. I think if I mistakenly called mine, or anyone else really, I would text and say it was a mistake, because I wouldn't want them to think I called on purpose. Sooo, assuming that it probably wasn't a mistake, there really hasn't been complete silence.

 

I thought about this also. He may not be interested in facebook and just needs a break. He may be submerging himself in work and when he gets home he just wants to talk to the children and relax. I don't know how he is spending his time because the children have always been there. He had over a week off from work and normally he only works in the morning hours and is home the rest of the day. That may have changed now that he is back to work after an extended vacation. Maybe he isn't even interested in spending time with a woman, but then again I think about how he deleted the married woman when I brought it to his attention that I saw it. Just because he deleted her doesn't mean they are still not in communication. Maybe he just needs a time out from everything.

Another way men cope is by going into their "man caves," as the Mars and Venus book discusses. They shut themselves away and may get involved with something distracting, like playing a video game or whatever, until the problem is solved. They won't come out until then. So staying off facebook may be a way to give himself space to sort through the things in his head, whether he's directly thinking about it or not (just letting it float around in the back of his mind and hoping the problem will solve itself). You're right, there's no way to know, and it will drive you crazy trying to guess what the reasoning is. But I'm doing it, too - still no fb for mine or the ex all day long, and it's not a good feeling. I do wonder if a non-friend turns off their chat, if you can still tell they're on. Usually when you open a chat box with someone, it will say Active Now when they're on even if they've hidden themselves from chat... but I don't know if it would say that for a non-friend. Because with friends, it will say "Active 20m ago," or whatever, and with non-friends you don't get that. So, there is at least some possibility that he just turned his chat off for some reason, so as not to be bothered by anyone, but is still mindlessly scrolling through his newsfeed at times.

 

You're absolutely correct. All couples go through ups and downs. I remember him saying that he knew things would not be the same after the email issue. He was right in a sense. He said I wouldn't let it go and I didn't. What he didn't understand is that it just doesn't go away just because you say so. It takes work and time. Our relationship needing nurturing and he wasn't able to do so with all the things going on. I pushed it because I was getting impatient. I pushed it too far. He just gave up.

I agree with all of this. Dr Phil always tell people in regards to infidelity that there's no time limit on how long it takes to regain trust. That it requires total transparency, and that the cheating partner needs to do what it takes, *until* -- not for a month, or six months, or any specific time - but *until* the trust is rebuilt. He does always say, too, that if it's going to be a life sentence, the two just need to break up.

 

You may be right, but what if that is exactly what he wants. Maybe he doesn't want love, comfort, safety and security that he had with me. Maybe he is happier being alone.

If this is the case, then it has nothing to do with you, and is no reflection on how he feels about you. It's just who he is fundamentally as a person. Mine told me many times that he's a loner, that it's easier to live life alone, etc etc. But it can also indicate commitment issues, if they're choosing freedom over love and security. Again, nothing that has anything to do with you. "Freedom" can get awfully lonely, though.

 

Thank you so much for your support right now. God knows I need it. I have been very honest about my feelings here. I know this process is necessary, but it's all so hard...so so hard. All I do is think about him. I am thinking about the future but I cant think that very far ahead. Everything is just so foggy.

You're welcome, and thank you for the same

 

Sometimes it crosses my mind that it is my duty to call him to apologize after all the things I said preceding the breakup. I said some horrible things the days before the breakup.

I have to say that I wonder this, too. Not in the sense that it's your duty, but that maybe it might help. In his own mind, he may feel that you're the one who caused him to end the relationship (NOT saying that you were, just saying what HE may be thinking). It's really easy to get mad and blame the other person, so that we don't have to feel any accountability or guilt. Like you said, I'm a lot like him in the anger area, and I do this all the time - blame the other person, so that I don't have to feel guilty. It's almost an automatic thing, and if I step back and really think about it, I can see clearly what I'm doing. But in the midst of frustration, you sometimes just don't care. Much easier to blame the other. It's also very easy to allow yourself to feel like the victim (ETA: I was talking about him potentially feeling like a victim here, not you), even if you've done something wrong as well. So maybe it would help if you softly approached him, like I said a while back, but I know you don't want to do that and I'm really not suggesting it because I don't even know how it would be received by him at this point in time. But it's always an option. I will say when I'm mad, I stubbornly refuse to let the person back in, no matter what they do. But when the anger subsides, I'm much more open to it, and in fact wish and hope it would happen just so that things can get back on track. You wouldn't know when he would reach that point, though.

 

Thank you again lostlove, don't worry yourself too much about the ex. I didn't realize she lived so far away from him. Even more of a reason not to worry. I know I sound hypocritical because the married woman in my story lives 3 hours away, but I don't see a situation like that lasting long at all. If they are talking, I believe its just casual talk. Is your guy always involved with a woman or does he take breaks? I mean is he just single at times?

He always seems to be involved with someone in some way or another, even if it's just flirting. He doesn't take breaks where he's all the way single, although he had told me that he was single for about a year before he met me. His definition of single is very fuzzy, though. He and this ex dated long-distance for about a year in 2011, and since they broke up, she said she would hear from him every few months or so. I'm glad they're so far apart, but so were he and I in the end, and we certainly had a deep emotional closeness through long phone calls and talks of the future. So I fear that happening with them. Honestly, I think he's content with anyone who is in front of him at any given moment. Anyone will do, just so long as he has someone to talk to and doesn't have to be lonely. Then the feelings do grow from there, but initially, he's just seeking to fill a void. Then when something ends with that person, it's on to the next with zero down time in between. That's why I feel he'll never call me, because he can always find someone to have these flings or short relationships with, and there will never be a gap in time during which he'll remember my existence. Since I met him, there's no telling how many girls he's gone through. It started with me when we met, then the ex, then back to me, then he juggled me and some girl he met at a grocery store and someone he was talking to online and the ex, then I dropped him and he came back more committed to me. Then he moved and found someone else immediately, then back to me. Then married woman, then older lady, and now this ex. I'm sure there are some I don't even know about. It disgusts me! (ETA: He was with me longer than any of these others during the time since I met him, just to be clear. Most of the others were flings during our off times, except for married woman who lasted around four months).

 

I took a little break to eat and shower. I'm still not feeling better. This is going to be a long night. I just miss him so much. I wish I didn't.

I know what you mean, and how you feel, and I'm so sorry I hope you're able to get some sleep at some point. I'll be up for a little while longer and will reply if you write anything else fairly soon. I need to try to get some sleep tonight myself, but it's not always possible. If I'm already in bed when I read anything you write, it's hard to type and I'll reply tomorrow. Hang in there.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove,

Thank you for your last post. I just woke up. I slept for a few hours. I wake up feeling like I'm still in the nightmare. He finally got on Facebook around midnight. My head is going on all sorts of places. I'm thinking he has the woman over there. Maybe she had a day off and she's there. That's why he hasn't been online all day and night. How putfull of me. Just plain pitiful. I need to leave it alone. I'm going to take a break from that today.

 

I'll respond to your last post in more detail tomorrow. I just wanted to ask, how many times did yo7 guys break up. From your second to last paragraph it looks like about 3 times?

[Ksol9]

I thought I'd be able to fall back asleep but I can't.

 

I really don't think the call was a mistake. Perhaps he wanted the wallet and transponder, and knew from experience that if he texted about it, you wouldn't reply. It could be as simple as that, or maybe he wanted to talk. But I very much doubt it was a mistake. I think if I mistakenly called mine, or anyone else really, I would text and say it was a mistake, because I wouldn't want them to think I called on purpose. Sooo, assuming that it probably wasn't a mistake, there really hasn't been complete silence.

 

I thought this exact thing. Maybe he wanted to call because I didn't respond to any text messages, but I didn't hear from him again so I'm assuming he might have changed his mind about making contact or it was indeed an accident. Either way, he hasn't tried to contact me again by text or call so I'm trying not to let it get to me. I'm still pretty confused about it, but there's nothing I can do but wait and see.

 

Another way men cope is by going into their "man caves," as the Mars and Venus book discusses. They shut themselves away and may get involved with something distracting, like playing a video game or whatever, until the problem is solved. They won't come out until then. So staying off facebook may be a way to give himself space to sort through the things in his head, whether he's directly thinking about it or not (just letting it float around in the back of his mind and hoping the problem will solve itself). You're right, there's no way to know, and it will drive you crazy trying to guess what the reasoning is.

 

He is definitely a person to retreat. He needs space and time to think things through. After the stressful week last week, it wouldn't be a stretch to say he needs time and space. At the same time, he made a decision in a moment of anger and frustration and there is nothing I can do other than focus on myself. The decision he made is final. I think we both need some space and time. I've been using this time wisely to think about myself and what I want for my future. he could very well be doing the same, taking a break from Facebook and so forth. It's really strange that he isn't online as much. He is obviously keeping busy throughout the day, whether alone or with someone... I really don't know. My mind just thinks the worst of him. Not that it's my business.

 

I agree with all of this. Dr Phil always tell people in regards to infidelity that there's no time limit on how long it takes to regain trust. That it requires total transparency, and that the cheating partner needs to do what it takes, *until* -- not for a month, or six months, or any specific time - but *until* the trust is rebuilt. He does always say, too, that if it's going to be a life sentence, the two just need to break up.

 

I also agree with this, but I also think I had the attitude and mindfrane that I was betrayed, therefore I was the victim and I required special attention. That was so wrong of me. I didn't need special attention. I needed compassion and understanding yes, but I think I went to the extreme. No one can offer you happiness and security other than yourself. Had he handled this differently with more communication, I wouldn't have carried on for so long with it. I just felt it was brushed under the rug and my concerns were dismissed and so they grew into larger concerns. I grew more needy, anxious, and stressed. This created a terrible domino effect. He may not even realize that since he doesn't take accountability but I realize it and I know that is why things got to this point. If only I had dropped the whole thing.

 

So maybe it would help if you softly approached him, like I said a while back, but I know you don't want to do that and I'm really not suggesting it because I don't even know how it would be received by him at this point in time. But it's always an option. I will say when I'm mad, I stubbornly refuse to let the person back in, no matter what they do. But when the anger subsides, I'm much more open to it, and in fact wish and hope it would happen just so that things can get back on track. You wouldn't know when he would reach that point, though.

 

I've gone back and forth about this in my mind since this happened. I think back to the first break up. I made quite a few mistakes in contacting him early on in hopes to get him to change his mind. I remember waiting 10 days. He said he was thinking of me but still didn't reconsider. I waited another week, still nothing. It wasn't until I let go and didn't contact him did he start to post strange things on Facebook, started driving by work...etc. he did the same after the second breakup. I think when he finally realized I let go of the rope and that I wasn't going to contact him, it was then that he mustered the courage to contact me. I know after the second breakup, he told me he had a hard time. He said he was afraid I wouldn't change my mind about leaving him and he spent weeks trying to figure out if he should even bother. I know it seems like a game, but I think he's very well experienced. He knows to give it time. This time though, it could very well be permanent. I remember us both saying when we got back together that this would be the last time. There was a day shortly before the breakup that we had an argument over something stupid and I threw around me leaving. He followed me into the room as if the stop me and he said...if you do this, that would be your own decision and you better think long and hard about it before you do. I knew what he meant. The back and forth thing is over with. Leaving would mean I'd leave for the last time. I didn't end up leaving that day, but then shortly after this happened. He told me he didn't put a lot of thought into breaking up he said me not coming home all day for 2 days was the last straw. He said he couldn't take it anymore. It's been one week and it feels like much longer. It's far too soon for either one of us to make contact. Realistically, if he's going to change his mind, it will take him weeks even months to say something to me. I'm so doubtful though. I'm just so scared that the damage this time is too much to recover from. I know I've said that before. The other breakups did not include him sleeping with anyone else or him spending time with anyone else because he had the children. This time though...this time is serious, I'm so afraid he will begin to see someone else or will sleep around and then come asking to reconcile. I wouldn't be able to handle that. That is why I'm probably so absorbed with what he is doing. It really shouldn't matter. I need to just let him hi and regardless of it he is with someone else or not, he will eventually figure out if he would try again or not. I'm just so doubtful at this point. I won't know when he would be ready to talk and so it's too much of a risk to try to contact him. I wouldn't be able to handle the rejection and I learned a lot from the first and second breakup. It's best to go no contact and leave it alone. He will come find me if he really wants me in his life.

I don't know. Maybe I'm in denial here. He made a decision out of anger, but that doesn't mean he isnt unsure about his decision. In that moment of anger, he may have realized this is never going to work. He said that. He said I never tethered him and that this would never get better. I think that realization won't be easily changed and as a result he may just try moving on with someone else. He's so anger with my that I believe that is what he would do. Time is the only thing that is going to reveal what is going to happen here.

 

He is not a person to act on his emotions. Even if he is thnking of me and missing me, he wouldn't call or text. I find it strange that he hasn't asked for the transponder. That is one of the first things he was asking for and maybe that is what the phone call was about. It wasn't important enough for him to try again. Unfortunately it takes him weeks to process his thoughts and that is when the children weee here and he was obligated to be home with them at all times. Him being alone, as you said could be to my advantage or not, it could actually take much longer for him to come around of st all. That is why it's wise for me to let him go in peace and focus on my own healing and well being.

[lostlove76]

Hi lostlove,

Thank you for your last post. I just woke up. I slept for a few hours. I wake up feeling like I'm still in the nightmare. He finally got on Facebook around midnight. My head is going on all sorts of places. I'm thinking he has the woman over there. Maybe she had a day off and she's there. That's why he hasn't been online all day and night. How putfull of me. Just plain pitiful. I need to leave it alone. I'm going to take a break from that today.

 

I'll respond to your last post in more detail tomorrow. I just wanted to ask, how many times did yo7 guys break up. From your second to last paragraph it looks like about 3 times?

 

Hi ksol. I'll read your next post in a bit, but read this one and wanted to reply. The basic timeline of breakups was:

1) Met, together non-stop for 6 weeks. I got scared that he wasn't going to commit, freaked out and broke up with him. He then refused to talk to me for 2 months while I tried desperately to get him back

2) Spent time together for a couple weeks, but he was being noncommittal so I "ended" it (we weren't really "together" in his eyes)

3) Minimal texting contact for 2 months til we started seeing each other a couple times a week for a few months. I went through his phone and found he was seeing others so I angrily ended it and cut him off. NC for 3 weeks.

4) He came back saying he'd been stupid, said we could be exclusive. Slowly but surely made it official. Together for 6 months til he moved. After he moved, I said I had to cut him off unless he wanted me to move there. We went NC for 6 weeks.

5) Called saying he missed me, loved me, wanted me to move there. 5-6 months long distance, during which he constantly talked about me moving there and how in love with me he was. 5-hour phone calls every other night. Tons of love talk and emotional closeness. Then I gave the ultimatum that I had to move there or cut him off, and you know the rest.

 

I completely understand how you're feeling about him not being on Facebook yesterday. I always felt the same way every time mine wasn't on - that he must be with someone. He would flip flop and be on a bunch, then not at all. I never did figure it all out, because it's just impossible to know. He was on all day the day before yesterday, none at all yesterday, and has been on a bunch this morning. I have no clue why. Sometimes, back when we were "kind of" together, and then also when we were actually together, I felt like he was playing mind games - purposely staying off trying to make me wonder what he was doing so that I would contact him. I also felt like he would stay on a bunch, for the same reason - trying to get me to contact him. But that could have been all in my head. I do know that I did that very thing sometimes, so that's probably why I felt like he was doing it. We're both withholders, holding out on making the first move.

 

So maybe your guy is doing something like that. Or maybe needs time to himself and is staying away from anything social. Or has his chat turned off. Or is trying not to obsess about when you're on and what you're doing. It definitely doesn't mean that the woman is here for sure, although my worry-filled mind would go immediately go there as well, because of course that's just the way our minds work. It really will drive you crazy trying to guess what's going on.

 

I have to eat and go into work for a few hours, but I should have some time this afternoon to read your next post and reply. Try not to worry. I know it's hard!! But we have no indication at all that the woman is with him. If she is, there will probably be some clue to pop up soon enough. Just remember that we've both thought worst-case scenario before, and it turned out to be totally untrue. I can't even count the number of times I've done that based on Facebook activity, and later learned I was wrong. Your mind fills in the blanks and creates a story, and it feels true, that's all.

 

Hugs.

[Ksol9]

Hey lostlove...hope you're having a great day. Thank you for writing. I look forward to hearing from you. We connect so well and it somehow helps me to chat with you...so thank you for that.

 

Hi ksol. I'll read your next post in a bit, but read this one and wanted to reply. The basic timeline of breakups was:

1) Met, together non-stop for 6 weeks. I got scared that he wasn't going to commit, freaked out and broke up with him. He then refused to talk to me for 2 months while I tried desperately to get him back

2) Spent time together for a couple weeks, but he was being noncommittal so I "ended" it (we weren't really "together" in his eyes)

3) Minimal texting contact for 2 months til we started seeing each other a couple times a week for a few months. I went through his phone and found he was seeing others so I angrily ended it and cut him off. NC for 3 weeks.

 

This is pretty much how things started with my guy. When we met it was an instant connection and we didn't want to be apart. We were together all the time. I had my doubts and I got scared a few times. I would leave and spend a few days away with my parents...very similar to how you explained with yours except I wouldn't leave for long. I wonder if that set the tone for the on and off relationship that we quickly formed soon after. I still think to this day, I created this back and forth thing. When you wrote your timeline in a list like that, I can totally see how the major issue there was commitment.

 

I completely understand how you're feeling about him not being on Facebook yesterday. I always felt the same way every time mine wasn't on - that he must be with someone. He would flip flop and be on a bunch, then not at all. I never did figure it all out, because it's just impossible to know. He was on all day the day before yesterday, none at all yesterday, and has been on a bunch this morning. I have no clue why. Sometimes, back when we were "kind of" together, and then also when we were actually together, I felt like he was playing mind games - purposely staying off trying to make me wonder what he was doing so that I would contact him. I also felt like he would stay on a bunch, for the same reason - trying to get me to contact him. But that could have been all in my head. I do know that I did that very thing sometimes, so that's probably why I felt like he was doing it. We're both withholders, holding out on making the first move.

 

So maybe your guy is doing something like that. Or maybe needs time to himself and is staying away from anything social. Or has his chat turned off. Or is trying not to obsess about when you're on and what you're doing. It definitely doesn't mean that the woman is here for sure, although my worry-filled mind would go immediately go there as well, because of course that's just the way our minds work. It really will drive you crazy trying to guess what's going on.

 

It's very strange for him not to browse facebook when he is just smoking a cigarette or hanging around the house. The only time I have ever seen him stay off facebook was when he was busy doing things with us or we were out all day. For example, he wasn't on all day until about an hour ago. Since Monday, it seems that he just isn't on facebook much. He must be working quite a bit. He's got to be doing something to keep himself busy now that we are all gone(myself and the children). I think my mind automatically assumed he was with someone else and when I woke up this morning I realized how ridiculous it is for me to be thinking the very worst of him. I will never know until I see physically see a clue that he is spending time with someone else. It's not likely the married woman would come down during the week because she has 3 children and work. If she were to come visit, it would be on the weekends. Just because he is not active on facebook, it doesn't mean he is spending time with a woman. I don't know how to get those thoughts out of my head. Just as you said, he may just be staying away from social media or may need time to himself...it could be anything. I have not had a single clue to say he is even thinking about me. I still feel so unsettled how he just treated me like what we had meant nothing. He just walked out of my life. I have been sitting in darkness and silence ever since. I know it's only been about a week, but it feels much longer.

 

He hasn't posted anything since the children left either. Normally he will share news articles or things of interest. Not a thing. My chat is turned off, so he can not see when I am online nor is anything on my page public. He probably assumes I dont even bother going online anymore since we are no longer friends on facebook. I've never been really active on facebook anyway. I don't post and I rarely even sign in to scroll through my timeline. Lately, I've just been going on just to see if he has been active and if he posted anything. It's just complete silence. He added a woman last friday and then deleted her the next day, but I looked at her profile and she is in a relationship and appears to be traveling with her boyfriend who is in a band. My assumption is that he added her to see if I would react to him adding another woman since he added the married woman 2 days prior. Things have just been silent from both ends with the exception of the phone call the other day.

 

While I was writing this post I got side tracked and went onto facebook. I'm on my laptop so I'm able to do some different searches. I searched photos the married woman commented on and some very interesting things came up. She posted comments and tagged some other man under a post about being in a relationship and the type of girlfriend she is. The times she commented on the photos was when he was in Tampa with the children last week. Both Thursday and Friday she was posting and tagging this other man late at night, so I am assuming she wasn't with my guy. That still doesn't change anything. If my guy is pursuing her what will happen if she decides to give it shot with him again? She's a loose woman who seems to just be having fun all over the place. She seemed to be really into my guy when he met me. He cut her off and she sent texts a few times trying to reconnect ( he would show me these messages). Then when things got ugly between us, she would be the first woman he would reach out to. I can just imagine what she thinks. She doesn't appear to be in a serious relationship with anyone. Maybe just having fun. She is in an open relationship with her husband and it is my understanding that they still live together with his parents and their children. That doesn't relieve my worries, I'm still sick to my stomach over what happened with my guy. I feel so helpless. I wish things were different. I feel like I made such a mess.

[Ksol9]

I'm sitting down to write because I'm feeling very empty and incomplete. I'm literally fighting with my own mind. I want to talk to him. I want to see him. I couldn't do it though..I have too much pride. I can't fight for a man that wants to leave. If he wants to go, he can go. He is free to do whatever he wants and be with whoever he wants to be with. If he wants to be with someone else, she can have him. It just makes me feel terrible inside the way he just walked away like I meant nothing. I should be very angry with him for that, but part of me isn't. This isn't the first time he did something like this. Even when I left him, he waited 6 weeks total and 3 weeks of NC before reaching out to me to directly say he wanted to reconcile. The first break up took 7 weeks total and 4 weeks of NC. The things he said to me are haunting me. Very much like the first time this happened. I've read the messages almost everyday. It helps me to check back into reality. He doesn't want this relationship and if he did, if he had anymore effort and fight left inside of him, he would contact me. That doesn't look like it's going to happen this time around. I'm just sitting here broken-hearted.

 

It has been exactly one week since I've heard a word from him. It's crazy how one minute someone can be such a big part of your everyday life, living together, and then the next they act as though you don't exist. It just keeps ringing in my head how he kept saying...you and I both know this is never going to work, you will never trust me, and things will never get better. That wasn't just anger talking. That was someone who came to a realization that it was over. He gave up and did not want to try anymore. As much as I hope he will turn this around and change his mind, I don't think that is going to happen this time. Circumstances are different this time and we've broken up and gotten back together too many times. I need to toughen up and be realistic just as he has. I wish I wasn't so sensitive. I wish I didn't feel this loss. I wish I was stronger.

 

I was talking an old friend of mine. He has been pretty invested in my situation. He was there for both breakups and continues to offer me alot of support. He explained, "ksol, you've got to just let it be. What will be will be. He knows where to find you. No matter who was right or wrong, no matter how angry, he will find you if that is what he wants."

 

I also think about the life change he just went through with his children. He is no longer raising them and just because they are living with their mother, that doesn't mean he doesn't worry about them. They are probably constantly on his mind and he is probably constantly missing them. That is another thing that makes me believe he wouldn't be willing to deal with me and relationship problems right now. I'm probably the last thing on his mind. My friend also said that all the other times, there were signs from him. He would indirectly poke at me with facebook posts or drive past my job. There were signs that he was still effected or thinking about me. It's clear to see that this is not what he wants in his life. The faster I come to that realization, the faster I will heal.

 

Really hope I can get some sleep tonight.

[lostlove76]

It's really strange that he isn't online as much. He is obviously keeping busy throughout the day, whether alone or with someone... I really don't know. My mind just thinks the worst of him.

It really will drive you crazy. Drives me crazy whether I see mine on (I tell myself, "he must be chatting with someone") or off ("what's he doing with his time? must be spending it with, or talking to, some girl"). Mine was on a bunch this morning, then not at all for a while. Then his ex was offline for over an hour, then I saw him get on, and then she got on at the same time. Drives me nuts to think of them exchanging messages and getting close. Really, though, we don't know what yours or mine is doing while on or off. We assume it means something, and that it has to do with some woman, and that it's the worst-case scenario.

 

Real quick, just wanted to say something about mine that I was thinking about earlier today. You had said that he's not serious with anyone, and I so appreciate you saying that. Him getting serious with, or even super close to, someone else is my biggest fear and what hurts the most. Then it occurred to me that even if he does get close to someone else, he's always going to potentially have a side chick or two, or someone else that he's flirting with, or another potential on the horizon, plus two or three backups. There may be one "main woman," but she'll never be the ONLY woman. I would never be okay not being the only woman. So even if he did come back, unless he had completely changed, I couldn't allow myself to be in that position. It's TERRIBLE that someone needs backups, and to flirt all the time, and that you can never feel secure that you're his one and only. That's how I'm feeling about mine right now. We'll see how long the feeling lasts. If he and this ex start things up again, she'll just have to put up with not being his only one. She'll figure it out eventually.

 

Same with your guy, although I really don't believe that yours is as bad as mine. But IF he ends up with this married woman, neither one of them are winning any prize. He has to share her with her husband; and she gets a man who has no problem hooking up with a trashy married chick. They both lose, and you win, because you deserve better. I know it's hard to believe that right now. I still see all the good in mine, and all the potential. But IF yours does start something up with her again, then try to tell yourself this over and over and over until you really believe it.

 

I also agree with this, but I also think I had the attitude and mindfrane that I was betrayed, therefore I was the victim and I required special attention. That was so wrong of me. I didn't need special attention. I needed compassion and understanding yes, but I think I went to the extreme. No one can offer you happiness and security other than yourself. Had he handled this differently with more communication, I wouldn't have carried on for so long with it. I just felt it was brushed under the rug and my concerns were dismissed and so they grew into larger concerns. I grew more needy, anxious, and stressed. This created a terrible domino effect. He may not even realize that since he doesn't take accountability but I realize it and I know that is why things got to this point. If only I had dropped the whole thing.

Exactly (bolded part). Dr Phil has told the cheating men on his show, "she'll never get over it unless and until she knows that you get what it did to her." Maybe google "dr phil getting over infidelity" if you need something to read, to help yourself sort out whether you really were being unreasonable or not. There are several articles that pop up. Here's one:

 

I've gone back and forth about this in my mind since this happened. I think back to the first break up. I made quite a few mistakes in contacting him early on in hopes to get him to change his mind. I remember waiting 10 days. He said he was thinking of me but still didn't reconsider. I waited another week, still nothing. It wasn't until I let go and didn't contact him did he start to post strange things on Facebook, started driving by work...etc. he did the same after the second breakup. I think when he finally realized I let go of the rope and that I wasn't going to contact him, it was then that he mustered the courage to contact me.

Same for mine. After that first breakup, when I was texting him all the time trying to fix things, he 100% ignored every bit of it, no matter what I said. Only when I finally stopped for two weeks and then tried again did he finally answer. After that, I learned my lesson. Let him come to me, always. I eventually stopped initiating anything at all, no matter the situation. He always had to be the one. After each break up, I went completely silent, and he came back (except for this last one, but he did try one more time after a couple weeks and I didn't answer). So go with your instinct. I just think it sucks that you have to wait soooooooo long for him to finally reach out; and in the meantime, you are completely miserable. I wondered if you could speed things along by letting pride go and being the one to reach out; but if you're pretty certain that he won't respond in a positive way, then don't do it.

 

I know after the second breakup, he told me he had a hard time. He said he was afraid I wouldn't change my mind about leaving him and he spent weeks trying to figure out if he should even bother.

See, and you thought during that entire time that he didn't care at all (and rightfully so, as you were hearing nothing but crickets). But he was, in fact, thinking of you. Just remind yourself of that when you feel like he doesn't care. This is good knowledge to have!

 

Realistically, if he's going to change his mind, it will take him weeks even months to say something to me.

Do you really want to have to go through this kind of torture every few months? The waiting is just horrible. I know you want him at practically any cost - just like me wanting mine. There are certain things we won't put up with (cheating). But we also shouldn't put up with this on/off stuff, either. If you could see into the future, and knew that you would be with him for the rest of your life, but you would have to go through these periods of silence a few times a year, would it be worth it?

 

I see that you wrote some new posts, so let me read those...

[lostlove76]

Hey lostlove...hope you're having a great day. Thank you for writing. I look forward to hearing from you. We connect so well and it somehow helps me to chat with you...so thank you for that.

You're very welcome, and thank you too I really enjoy our chats as well, and also find them helpful. I think we're learning a lot from each other by bouncing ideas back and forth. And we're both analyzers, so between the two of us, we're bound to come up with the right answers evenutally But the support is the best thing, and just being here for each other has been invaluable to me as well. You're very wise, and I always appreciate hearing your thoughts.

 

This is pretty much how things started with my guy. When we met it was an instant connection and we didn't want to be apart. We were together all the time. I had my doubts and I got scared a few times. I would leave and spend a few days away with my parents...very similar to how you explained with yours except I wouldn't leave for long. I wonder if that set the tone for the on and off relationship that we quickly formed soon after. I still think to this day, I created this back and forth thing. When you wrote your timeline in a list like that, I can totally see how the major issue there was commitment.

I've wondered that with mine, myself - if the beginning set the tone for what followed. If I had just been more chill and kept my anxiety at bay, would things have progressed in a normal manner? If I hadn't broken up with him that first time, would there have been so many ons and offs? Hard to say. It did fit the pattern of my previous relationships in some ways. It also fit the pattern of some of HIS previous relationships. So maybe this is just who we all are, and how we all deal with things, and it's all been inevitable until something changes.

 

It took mine forever to call me his "girlfriend," and actually get to the point of agreed upon exclusivity. Definite commitment issues. He was totally acting like we were boyfriend/girlfriend in the beginning - together all the time, only seeing each other, affectionate, even said he loved me - but called us "friends," which confused the heck out of me and led me towards all the anxiety that provoked that first breakup. It was only months later when I finally put my foot down and walked away that he came back more committed (exclusive, girlfriend title, even put "in a relationship with" on facebook). And then he ended up moving away

 

It's very strange for him not to browse facebook when he is just smoking a cigarette or hanging around the house. The only time I have ever seen him stay off facebook was when he was busy doing things with us or we were out all day. For example, he wasn't on all day until about an hour ago. Since Monday, it seems that he just isn't on facebook much. He must be working quite a bit. He's got to be doing something to keep himself busy now that we are all gone(myself and the children). I think my mind automatically assumed he was with someone else and when I woke up this morning I realized how ridiculous it is for me to be thinking the very worst of him. I will never know until I see physically see a clue that he is spending time with someone else. It's not likely the married woman would come down during the week because she has 3 children and work. If she were to come visit, it would be on the weekends. Just because he is not active on facebook, it doesn't mean he is spending time with a woman. I don't know how to get those thoughts out of my head. Just as you said, he may just be staying away from social media or may need time to himself...it could be anything.

That's what I've always wondered about mine when he wasn't getting online - what could he possibly be doing?!? It's harder to stay off than it is to get on. I'm on mine constantly. But some people just aren't as addicted to it. Some people can tell themselves they're going to take a break from it, and then they can easily take a break. Or like I said, maybe he's staying off to make you wonder what he's doing. Or maybe he knows that you get on and look for him, so he's staying off out of spite. We just don't know. But I do find it helpful to list all the alternatives. You can easily come up with ten or fifteen reasons why he may not be on, all of which are better (and probably way more realistic) than him being with her.

 

He hasn't posted anything since the children left either. Normally he will share news articles or things of interest. Not a thing.

Could he have made his posts private?

 

My chat is turned off, so he can not see when I am online

How can you tell, then, when he's on? By opening a convo with him? He could also see when you're on by doing the same, I guess you realize.

 

While I was writing this post I got side tracked and went onto facebook. I'm on my laptop so I'm able to do some different searches. I searched photos the married woman commented on and some very interesting things came up. She posted comments and tagged some other man under a post about being in a relationship and the type of girlfriend she is. The times she commented on the photos was when he was in Tampa with the children last week. Both Thursday and Friday she was posting and tagging this other man late at night, so I am assuming she wasn't with my guy. That still doesn't change anything. If my guy is pursuing her what will happen if she decides to give it shot with him again? She's a loose woman who seems to just be having fun all over the place. She seemed to be really into my guy when he met me. He cut her off and she sent texts a few times trying to reconnect ( he would show me these messages). Then when things got ugly between us, she would be the first woman he would reach out to. I can just imagine what she thinks. She doesn't appear to be in a serious relationship with anyone. Maybe just having fun. She is in an open relationship with her husband and it is my understanding that they still live together with his parents and their children. That doesn't relieve my worries, I'm still sick to my stomach over what happened with my guy. I feel so helpless. I wish things were different. I feel like I made such a mess.

I'm glad you found those comments, because it can put your mind at ease about him not having been with her while in Tampa. (I'm sure I shouldn't be encouraging your detective work here). She sounds like the trashy married woman mine was with. She wasn't in an open relationship with her husband; she just flirted out in the open all over the place, and also cheated behind his back. Pure trash, and I have zero respect for anyone like that. Just like you told me, your guy will never have a serious relationship with her. She's all about having fun and getting attention, probably narcissistic and immature, obviously has no morals. What kind of guy could actually respect that? She's easy. The thing with mine and his lasted about 4 months, during which he kicked her out at least twice and wouldn't let her back and she stuck her tail between her legs and went back to her poor husband. I was worried to death that they would end up happy and forever after, but they didn't. I know exactly how you feel, though, really I do. It made me feel sick as well. Total nightmare. But just keep reminding yourself that if they do get together, it will not be serious, and it will eventually crash and burn. But this is totally hypothetical, as it doesn't appear at this point that he's with her.

 

I feel like I made such a mess.

Reread your last paragraph and then ask yourself again if it's *you* who made the mess. This is a guy whose character allows him to reach out to this trashy woman whenever there is a conflict with you.

 

Btw, this ex of his that mine just refriended is the one he would reach out to any time we ended or I wouldn't talk to him. He would always call her immediately. She's actually a very sweet, high-quality person and not at all like these married women we're talking about. She seems to be his backup, or his fallback, or the one he reaches out to for comfort, or just because he knows she'll answer. Then he'll talk to her for a couple or few weeks, and then it stops. I always felt so threatened by her, but that's been the pattern with them before I even came along. So your guy, he may reach out to her for some temporary attention and relief, but once his immediate need for that passes, he'll lose interest in her. She has nothing of quality to offer. She sounds just awful, yuck.

[lostlove76]

I'm sitting down to write because I'm feeling very empty and incomplete. I'm literally fighting with my own mind. I want to talk to him. I want to see him. I couldn't do it though..I have too much pride. I can't fight for a man that wants to leave. If he wants to go, he can go. He is free to do whatever he wants and be with whoever he wants to be with. If he wants to be with someone else, she can have him. It just makes me feel terrible inside the way he just walked away like I meant nothing. I should be very angry with him for that, but part of me isn't. This isn't the first time he did something like this. Even when I left him, he waited 6 weeks total and 3 weeks of NC before reaching out to me to directly say he wanted to reconcile. The first break up took 7 weeks total and 4 weeks of NC. The things he said to me are haunting me. Very much like the first time this happened. I've read the messages almost everyday. It helps me to check back into reality. He doesn't want this relationship and if he did, if he had anymore effort and fight left inside of him, he would contact me. That doesn't look like it's going to happen this time around. I'm just sitting here broken-hearted.

 

It has been exactly one week since I've heard a word from him. It's crazy how one minute someone can be such a big part of your everyday life, living together, and then the next they act as though you don't exist. It just keeps ringing in my head how he kept saying...you and I both know this is never going to work, you will never trust me, and things will never get better. That wasn't just anger talking. That was someone who came to a realization that it was over. He gave up and did not want to try anymore. As much as I hope he will turn this around and change his mind, I don't think that is going to happen this time. Circumstances are different this time and we've broken up and gotten back together too many times. I need to toughen up and be realistic just as he has. I wish I wasn't so sensitive. I wish I didn't feel this loss. I wish I was stronger.

 

I was talking an old friend of mine. He has been pretty invested in my situation. He was there for both breakups and continues to offer me alot of support. He explained, "ksol, you've got to just let it be. What will be will be. He knows where to find you. No matter who was right or wrong, no matter how angry, he will find you if that is what he wants."

 

I also think about the life change he just went through with his children. He is no longer raising them and just because they are living with their mother, that doesn't mean he doesn't worry about them. They are probably constantly on his mind and he is probably constantly missing them. That is another thing that makes me believe he wouldn't be willing to deal with me and relationship problems right now. I'm probably the last thing on his mind. My friend also said that all the other times, there were signs from him. He would indirectly poke at me with facebook posts or drive past my job. There were signs that he was still effected or thinking about me. It's clear to see that this is not what he wants in his life. The faster I come to that realization, the faster I will heal.

 

Really hope I can get some sleep tonight.

 

I just have to keep reminding you that he did try to call night before last. I think you've dismissed it as having meant nothing, but we really don't know what he wanted. Telling yourself that it's been a week of silence is inaccurate and unhelpful, because it makes you feel even worse. He was, in fact, thinking of you when he called, for whatever the reason may have been. I totally agree not to put too much stock into it, because maybe he did just want the wallet or transponder. But maybe he wanted to talk, and you didn't answer, so he's not trying again because he thinks you don't want to talk. It is a possibility. It is totally with a lack of criticism when I say this (I promise!), but you do put up strong walls of silence by not answering texts; his conclusion may be that you want to be left alone. I'm just trying to make you see things more open-mindedly and with a different perspective... and more realistically, really. But I tell myself the same things you do, of course, so I get it.

 

I like your friend's advice. That's really the most peaceful way to look at things. And it's true.

 

I hope you can get some sleep tonight, too. I got some wine and will probably stay up for a while, so if you need me, I'm here.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I hope you're getting a full night of sleep right now. I'm wide awake and feeling bored and bothered, and maybe slightly lonely, so I thought I would write. It just occurred to me as I was typing that sentence that your guy is bound to have moments like this, during which he will inevitably think of you and your relationship. Since he's like me in the sense that he's not very social and he keeps to himself a lot, his mind will have a lot of time and free space to process things, even if he tries to avoid it with distractions. We know he did this during the last breakups, even though it felt to you like he didn't care. So I think you can be sure of that, at least, and grab onto that for some small bit of comfort.

 

I know you feel like this is the end, the final breakup. But you felt like that the last times, as well, and it wasn't final end. I know he sounded like he was fed up and really meant it. I know you both said that this was the final try, and if it ended again, that was it. But you still want him back, even though you told him that. I still wish I could have mine back, even though I told him I was done for good. We don't always say what we mean, or mean what we say. And even if we fully mean it during frustration and the heat of the moment, minds and feelings can and do change. Just like last time, I'm torn between not wanting to give you false hope and encourage a relationship that has brought you so much pain versus urging you to require better for yourself and move on in peace. But I know that you want it to work with him, no matter what logic may say, and I totally get that and support you on it.

 

History would say that he will contact you for reconciliation at some point. Same with mine, and he did try for a while. I do believe that the only reason he didn't continue trying was because trashy married woman swooped in. I know that yours also has a trashy married woman "on call," but it's a bit different. Mine's (not a word lol) was looking to move back to her home town, and here was this guy willing to give her a free place to live because he was newly infatuated. She was looking to escape her home life for whatever reason (because she felt bored and stagnant there, and needed to strut around the beach in her bikini and party and seek loads of attention). Yours's (also not a word) has an open relationship and probably isn't seeking to totally leave her husband. She just wants a side thing. This will ultimately be unfulfilling to him, if he does give it a go, and you will look like gold by comparison. Excitement and infatuation and shallow relations are only fun for so long before it grows old and gross. But as I've said before, this is completely hypothetical and only IF he starts something with her. I'm only laying it out because I know you're terrified that it will happen.

 

Did he get back on fb at all tonight? Mine hasn't. [For the record, for anyone reading here, I do realize that he's no longer "mine", and it feels weird to call him that, but there is nothing else simple to call him since I can't say his name.]. Back when I was worrying so much that he would cheat or find someone else, he told me about a new girl that started at his work, and it raised a red flag with me. I found her on Facebook (of course), and she was married. I now see that in the past week or so, she's changed her married status to "complicated" - sigh, I know I shouldn't have even noticed this. Anyhow, that's what prompted my earlier thinking about how he'll ALWAYS have interests and flirtations and backups who are available, and I could never feel secure with him. If it's not one girl, it's another. I don't think your guy is this bad, at least. He's maybe 1/4th as bad. Or maybe even 1/10th as bad. But it's still a problem, which is why I'm torn between encouraging the relationship vs encouraging moving on. Guys these days just don't value monogamy like we do, which is very depressing.

 

Anyways! I'll stop because I don't want my own negative thoughts to affect you. Just wanted to write a bit. I do hope you're getting some sleep. We'll see what tomorrow brings. One day at a time. Hugs.