Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Clarisse]

Your lack of trust and forgiveness are perfectly normal, Ksol9. He has never been a safe partner to you. Have you done any reading on infidelity? It takes 2-5 years to recover from a betrayal. It's not something you simply decide to forgive and move on from. It takes work on both parts and there are lots of setbacks. It's how you recover from the setbacks that rebuilds trust.

 

Frankly, your ex isn't a good candidate for reconciliation. He is too unstable, has poor coping mechanisms (fishing for female attention, alcohol, angry outbursts), and seems perfectly happy to blame you for the problems in your relationship. Unfortunately, you seem to be accepting a good part of that blame. Of course, no partner is perfect and you have worked very hard on changing things in yourself you believe aren't serving you or the relationship. But from what I have read here, he has done very little to change. Friending the married woman on FB proves that. He isn't A safe partner. Keep reminding yourself of that.

 

I know that doesn't take the pain away, but I hope it fortifies your stength somewhat.

 

If you would like any recommendations on resources related to infidelity, please let me know. I have lived a situation very similar to yours.

[Ksol9]

Your lack of trust and forgiveness are perfectly normal, Ksol9. He has never been a safe partner to you. Have you done any reading on infidelity? It takes 2-5 years to recover from a betrayal. It's not something you simply decide to forgive and move on from. It takes work on both parts and there are lots of setbacks. It's how you recover from the setbacks that rebuilds trust.

 

Frankly, your ex isn't a good candidate for reconciliation. He is too unstable, has poor coping mechanisms (fishing for female attention, alcohol, angry outbursts), and seems perfectly happy to blame you for the problems in your relationship. Unfortunately, you seem to be accepting a good part of that blame. Of course, no partner is perfect and you have worked very hard on changing things in yourself you believe aren't serving you or the relationship. But from what I have read here, he has done very little to change. Friending the married woman on FB proves that. He isn't A safe partner. Keep reminding yourself of that.

 

I know that doesn't take the pain away, but I hope it fortifies your stength somewhat.

 

If you would like any recommendations on resources related to infidelity, please let me know. I have lived a situation very similar to yours.

 

 

Hi Clarisse, thank you for reading my story. I have done some reading on betrayal and infidelity, but not much..very vague. Maybe that is something I need to educate myself more on so that I can come to an understanding of what I was experiencing. Evidenced by what I just went through, I found out that forgiveness is not something you just say. It's much more complex than that. We were hanging from a thin thread anytime we experienced a setback and I think your statement is very powerful...how you recover from the setback is what rebuilds trust. There was no way for us to rebuild because many issues were left unresolved, ignored, or brushed under a rug. I didn't pick my battles. Each and everything bothered me and he wasn't receptive to working through things with me. I didn't want to let it go and maybe I didn't have the tools or resources to help and guide us both.

 

Frankly, your ex isn't a good candidate for reconciliation. He is too unstable, has poor coping mechanisms (fishing for female attention, alcohol, angry outbursts), and seems perfectly happy to blame you for the problems in your relationship. Unfortunately, you seem to be accepting a good part of that blame. Of course, no partner is perfect and you have worked very hard on changing things in yourself you believe aren't serving you or the relationship. But from what I have read here, he has done very little to change. Friending the married woman on FB proves that. He isn't A safe partner. Keep reminding yourself of that.

 

This is a perspective I need to adopt because it is what's logical and true. This isn't about finding fault or placing blame. It is the reality of the situation and is what's on the table. It's what has always been on the table. It is his coping mechanisms and my inability to understand and constructively deal with the different facets of forgiveness that prevented us from working together to move forward. I can't change him and I'm not perfect myself, but I have been putting in effort, sometimes maybe not enough, to change my ways. My ways that I felt were not good habits and as you said we're not serving me or our relationship. I feel like since he left I've been scrambling for answers...to make sense of it all. I went back into this relationship in good faith. Complete willingness to move forward. Although I got stuck at times, I just knew something wasn't right. I think the answer to my questions are obvious.

 

I really needed what you wrote in this difficult time in my life. It offered me some clarity in my state of confusion. I'll hold on to it for as long as I can.

[Clarisse]

I'm glad you found some clarity.

 

I don't think your ex was strong enough to make the changes you needed to make himself a safe partner and he knew it. Once you caught him in the betrayal, he knew the jig was up. He wants you to sweep all that ugly truth so things can go back to the way they were (presuming you once had a happy relationship) and so that you can go back to your role of supporting him emotionally. He doesn't want to do any of the work himself. It's simply too hard.

 

You can do much, much better. You're articulate, self-aware and loving. You even took care of his children like a step-mother would! When things got too hard, like dealing with his loose boundaries or discussing serious topics like marriage and children, he couldn't handle it. He wants you to be easy-breezy. Real relationships don't work that way. Successful couples talk about the hard stuff. They don't run away when it gets uncomfortable. You know how you kept saying you were "sabotaging" the relationship because you couldn't get the negative thoughts out of your head? That wasn't sabotage. That was your GUT telling you things were not right. You were unsettled and rightly so.

 

He can't meet your needs. I promise you there are men that can.

[Clarisse]

Two good infidelty resources if you're interested:

The book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and the online forum SurvivingInfidelity.com (hope it's okay to post that here- I checked the guidelines and didn't see it mentioned).

 

Hope that helps.

[Ksol9]

Thank you for the book suggestion. I purchased it on kindle and will begin reading later tonight. There was something you said in one of your previous responses about my gut telling me something wasn't right. It instantly reminded me of a time, well numerous, when he would tell me that I don't know how to be happy and that I didn't know how to live in peace. I couldn't go 2 days without having a problem. In retropspect, I feel a little guilty about that, BUT I didn't feel right inside about not being able to express my concerns. I'd sit with it and it would fester. As a result, id be short fused often making snide remarks or comments. I was giving him and attitude and ignoring him at times. Sure way to kill the intimacy. It was a destructive cycle. I'm not proud of it at all. That isn't me. Now that I think back, I was not being nice at all. I wouldn't like me if I were him. You are absolutely right that strong, solid couples discuss serious matters. They don't run away. At the end of the day, he didn't find that it was worth the trouble. I don't know if this is just apart of the cycle we've been living in or if it all ends here.

 

This whole process is just draining. Each and every day that passes is a challenge. I think of him constantly.

[Ksol9]

The nighttime is the worst. I have been going back and forth between anger and sadness today. I wish I never met him. I don't believe this man ever loved me. He's not a good person. I don't believe he ever wanted to settle down and have a family. The man who didn't even wait 2 seconds to reach out to another woman is who he truly is. He is a man who is just looking for female attention, just looking to have fun, no committments. If that is what he wanted, he would have made that happen. That is why when I was always looking for answers or validation, he did not and would not give it to me. I constantly felt unsure and unsafe with him. Why is that? Because I knew deep down inside something wasn't right. I feel like it was all a lie. I am extremely hurt and very angry right now. I wish I could find a way to destroy these feelings I have for him. I want this out of my system. I wish I knew how to rid him completely from my mind and my heart. I want to forget he ever existed. He did nothing but put me through emotional turmoil. Yes I stayed, but I believed him. When he said he would never hurt me again...he lied. When he said we would work through this together...he lied. Everything..was a lie!

 

He is single now. I don't expect him to be sitting in a room crying over me. That's not realistic, but I would think that anyone , male or female, who just got out of a relationship just days ago, would take time to process. Especially if the decision to end the relationship was made during a moment of frustration and anger. Any normal person would take time for themselves to let it sink in and to come to terms with their decision. He isn't doing that. He is on Facebook, scouting for and friending other women. I'm just so disappointed. I know he doesn't want to be with me, but I'm just so very hurt that he treated me like nothing.

 

I remember just a few days before the breakup, I was leaving for work in the morning. I went to give him a kiss goodbye. I was irritated with him but I wanted to try to be civil with him. I know it bothers him when I don't acknowledge him with an I love you and kiss goodbye. I forced myself to do it that morning. I was so angry with him but did it anyway to keep the peace and to put in some effort. He gave me a kiss but then made a slick comment about how he could tell I didn't want to be there. He mumbled something else that I could understand I said repeat yourself and he said I didn't stutter. A few more harsh words from me followed. I then told him as I was walking out how I felt we had no connection anymore and that I felt numb...no feelings. This wasn't true. It was anger and resentment talking. I was so much in love with him, but I felt he didn't put in any effort to show me he loved me. I was so mean. That was not nice of me to say. A few days later he completed flipped the switch. He hates me. He sure showed me how there was no connection. He sure showed me how he could just walk away without a care. He doesn't love me and I don't think he ever did. He never deserved my love, my time, my energy. He didn't deserve for me to treat him like a king. I made it too easy for him. Now look what is happening. I know I'll never hear from him again.

 

I'm in so much pain.

[Ms Darcy]

I think much of the pain is from rejection. It's not as painful when you were with him and annoyed with him/rejecting him.

 

I'm not saying you did anything wrong. You guys don't work together. But I'm saying you should think about the well of sadness and grief that rejection has seemed to open up in you. It's more powerful than the relationship itself.

[Ksol9]

I'm not sure Ms Darcy...maybe you're right. I think my pain is because I know he isn't coming back. I think I felt the same the other times, but I knew there was always a possibility. There was hope. This time is different. I feel like we both know we've had our run and we both know it wouldn't be logical to go back. There is real effort in his moving on. His actions seem to be different than any other time.. I think I always suspected he wouldn't need me anymore once the children left. He needed help raising them, so he orentended to want this family when that's not really what he wants. Now they are gone, what would he need me for?

 

He doesn't want this relationship. Rejection is always a hard pill to swallow. The reason for this breakup is basically the same as first time we broke up in February. I felt the same kind of rejection. The second time was my decision because of the email. I felt empowered and that my decision was justified, but same pain. Pain from missing him, the children, the loss. I'm just in pain. I can't pinpoint anything, but I'm sure rejection plays a role. I think the finality of it all is what's making it feel so much more worse. I can't get on my feet and I'm angry with myself for it. This is the third time for pete's sake!

[Ksol9]

Through all of these tears and sleepless night, at the same time, there is an overwhelming understanding that I must let him go. There is nothing I could say to change things. He has made up his mind. Lostlove had suggested to reach out to him after giving him some time to cool down. I honestly considered it, but then I reminded myself...my emotions are not stable. His text messages went much further than rejection..I could feel his determination to move on. His mind is made up even if the anger goes away. He hates me. I don't know why letting go is so hard. I wish I knew how to make it all go away.

 

I went back and read some of my earlier posts in the thread. Much of what I am saying is the same now. The one major difference is that I had an enormous amount of hope. I hoped that he would turn things around and I had faith that he was taking the time to do so. I'm still singing the exact song, but I don't think my hope and faith is as strong. I don't believe he's thinking of me and what happened. He's not thinking like I am. I think he is just thinking of what he can do to move on. New women, friends, work, etc. he's going to be lonely in that house all alone. He's going to try to occupy his time talking to other women on Facebook, going out of town, etc. he doesn't have family. There is only one cousin he talks to on the phone. This cousin lives out of state. I don't know for sure and I am only assuming, but I think he is just thinking about enjoying his life and the new freedom he has. He isn't serious about his life at the moment. He just sent his children back to live with their mother. That is probably the only loss he is dealing with right now.

 

I still hope that he is thinking about me. I still hope and have faith that he will take the time to evaluate our relationship and why we didn't work. I still hope deep down inside that he will turn this around. I know he can't see for himself without allowing some time to pass. I need to allow myself time to move on also. I am going to give this a real effort to move on with my life. I don't even know what I'm saying. I need sleep. I have to get up for work in a few hours. I just wish things were different. I'm still hoping and praying this is going to change its course.

[Ksol9]

I woke up this morning thinking how stupid I must look. I've been back and forth with this man too many times. This is the third break up. How many times do I intend to go through this? Anxiety is fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of losing a relationship I've become used to. Fear of unknown...what is to come. Anxiety is just fueling me to want it back, to get it back at any cost because I just want this anxiety to go away. I understand everything that is going on. I think I doubt myself and that self doubt is what creates a lot of confusion in my mind. It's like my mind and body is in a state of alert. I want answers, I want understanding, I want this grief to stop.

 

As history would prove, as evidenced by both breakups, there will be silence for a matter of weeks from both ends, then I get a text. I run right back. Granted circumstances have changed. Maybe this cycle has stopped here. I don't know. All I know is that i am spinning my wheel and I am getting no where fast. I need to focus on myself and my future. Give it all to the breeze and if he comes back, he comes back. If he doesn't, he doesn't...either way, I've got myself sorted out. I need to sort myself out. Right now I am broken and he is just carrying on with his life. The only person suffering is me. He is not going through what I am going through, so who really loses. I have control of my life. He no longer holds that power in his hands anymore...to hurt me. I better start looking out for myself...and I better do it fast.

 

What he does is no longer my business. I took a look at his Facebook this morning. He added another woman. She looks like she is in a relationship. Nothing different from the other women I've seen him linked to. I can predict coming home to an empty home, traveling for work, Facebook women, casual sex...it will get old. There is always a chance that after some good time goes by, he will give me a call to try to reconcile and the cycle continues. Do I really want that for myself? No one can predict the future, he may be gone for good..I don't know. I just know I need to focus on myself. I can't continue to live like this.

 

I still have the transponder for the gate. With this anger, I just want to throw it away. I also found his wallet in my car in the side pocket door this morning. No money to credit cards, just a license and a social security card. He hasn't asked for anything. I will mail it to him.

 

I feel so stupid, for lack of a better word. Simply put, stupid. He threw it all away just like that. Without a second thought. Why don't I value myself enough to not settle for someone like that. I do deserve better. How foolish could I be to think this man actually cares for me? That he actually loves me? He surely doesn't. He just moved on with his life and here I am still in love with him. Still hoping that he'd change his mind. I'm ashamed of myself.

[Clarisse]

Please don't reach out to him. He hasn't shown any signs of change and has proven that he is untrustworthy and unstable. If he were truly remorseful, he would be doing everything he could to prove to you that he wants to change. It would be far more than just lip service.

 

You sound stronger in your last post. Hang on to that strength.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree that the pain is knowing he isn't coming back. Perhaps that's the bigger theme and rejection is the subcategory below it. Either way, I think in some ways he used you as a ready made, disposable mommy to the kids to decrease his workload.

[Ms Darcy]

He's doing you a favor by NOT being remorseful and trying to get you back.

[Ksol9]

I'm not going to reach out to him. There has been no indication whatsoever that he would reconsider. I'm not going to make a fool of myself like that nor am I going to put myself in a position for him to hurt me again. I wish I could say the last tear I shed was the last tear to fall from my face over him, but my emotions are so unstable.

 

I think my biggest challenge is coming to terms with this. Coming to terms that it's really over this time. I'm not going to try to save this and I don't think he is either. I don't think we're coming back from this one.

 

Ms. Darcy, I think you are correct. He wanted the relationship because I was of use to him. Now that the children are gone, I serve no purpose in his life. He wanted me gone. I wasn't worth the trouble or the effort he'd have to put in. I don't think I'll hear from him ever again and I need to find a way to be at peace with that.

 

Anytime I think of contacting him, I'll remind myself that I've always had to be the one to fix things. I think Clarisse said is absolutely true. If he wanted to fix this..at any point..he will do what he has to do to make things right. I need to forget about him just like he forgot about me.

[Ms Darcy]

BUT, even if he wanted to fix it, you guys would be right back again again in a few months.

[browneyedgirl36]

BUT, even if he wanted to fix it, you guys would be right back again again in a few months.

 

I agree with this. I remember, with my last ex, going through this repeatedly and having it play out nearly the same way every time (and, not-so-coincidentally, HE went through it with HIS previous ex -- she had left him three times, and every time it played out almost exactly the same way,too). Each time, I went through a thought process that, each time, went further and further. It started with I KNOW I'll hear from him again, because that's what's happened all the other times" and moved to "I really HOPE I'll hear from him again, because that's what happened all the other times" to "I wonder if I'll hear from him again, because that's what happened all the other times" to (very gradually, mind you) "It's unlikely I'm not going to hear from him again, even though that's what happened all the other times" to "It's probably a good idea if I never hear from him again" to "Hearing from him would be a really, really bad thing" to, finally "I really don't care at all whether I ever hear from him again!"

 

Now, as I type this, I'm remembering a time when thinking I'd never hear from him again, that things were over for good, was so devastating to me that I refused to believe it. I thought and thought, analyzed and re-analyzed and over-analyzed everything, blamed him, blamed myself, wondered if I should reach out, realized I shouldn't...I went through it all. Time -- and distance -- helped to settle things down, as did therapy, friends, exercise, and making changes to my life -- until finally, he had moved to the periphery, then to the background, then...to nowhere. Now, I see him from time to time (at work --he's a colleague) and I look at him and think "Whoa. I used to be SO close to that guy! And now....I can barely remember it."

 

I truly believe, ksol, that on-off relationships are destined to end permanently-- that the fact that they ARE off and on tells us that something isn't right -- something fundamental, elemental, that keeps them from being consistent, healthy, and lasting. Often, it's just that people aren't compatible -- like oil and water -- but it can also be that one or both people have issues to sort out that the relationship only exacerbates, and being together doesn't allow for those issues to be resolved. I think on-off relationships have the potential to be far more devastating -- and harder to get over -- than ones where a clean break happens only once -- because there's always that hope of "but we got back together before!" or "He came back all the other times!" The thing is, the reasons for coming back are often not healthy ones, and the relationship picks up exactly where it left off.

 

Therapy. Friends. Fresh air. Exercise. Taking care of yourself. Letting yourself feel the feelings. Time. Distance. All of these things will make a difference, even if it doesn't seem that way now. Moving forward is a process -- it will not happen overnight, nor will it be linear. There will be setbacks. You just have to push through.

 

I hope you are feeling better. Take good care of yourself.

[Ksol9]

Thank you ms. Darcy, Clarisse, and browneyedgirl. Your insight is much appreciated. I so need support right now because I am struggling to hold on to reality.

 

Everyday is a struggle, but I've made some progress as far as how I feel about this back and forth, off and on situation. This is absolutely unacceptable. What have we really been doing all this time? It made no sense. I think we've both come to a point in the relationship where we know it isn't going to work. I don't believe he is going to come back around this time giving me excuses to continue the relationship and if he does, I'll have a whole different tone. I have to do things differently this time..as lostlove said. Thankfully I've started therapy. I almost can't wait to sit with him tomorrow. I've been trying to get out of the house. I've been investing myself more in work. It's hard..let tell you, it's hard.

 

I'm not in disbelief because he has done this to me before, but I'm so upset that he could just send me on my way like I never mattered. He doesn't care about me. This time things will be very different. He went through a complete lifestyle change. I believe he had to go out of town for work today. No more children and gf to come home to. I don't have access to his Facebook. I can't see photos unless they are public. He can't post indirect messages to try to provoke me to contact him. He won't be driving by my job just to see what he can see as he will be traveling more often. Those kind of games are over. He let go of the rope and now I've decided to walk away. Neither one of us is going to stop this.

 

All I can do is take things by face value. He is not trying to salvage anything. He picked up and walked away. I can't take this turmoil anymore. I don't want to live this way. I have to think about myself. I feel very unsettled about everything that happened and the way it happened was in a moment of frustration and anger. That's what makes things worse. I'm going to regroup myself tomorrow when I go to my therapist. I accept this for what it is. This is fundamentally what type of person he is. He is very passive and will hold on to this anger until he is ready. Because he was having trouble with his daughter, he wanted to send her to her mother just to get some space from her. He told he she will appreciate him and will have a better relationship with him when she comes back months later. Is that the way to handle a 13 year old? Avoid all communication? Send her across country for space? Separate her from her brother? Discard her like she isn't worth anything for having teenage angst? This is what she felt...like he doesn't care about her. She told me days before this happened. She said...don't let what he says to you, get to you. Don't let it hurt you. Do you know how many things he has said to me and it was hurtful? All this from a 13 year old. I was stunned.

 

I know what I'm dealing with. If I don't ever see or hear from him again, I understand. I couldn't continue living on his rollar coaster anymore. If it even crosses his mnd to come back into this picture, he better come back with a plan. I am goingto form a plan for myself tomorrow. I'm determined. I'm going to get myself out of this mess one way or another.

 

As for on and off relationships. This hasn't been my first. My last relationship was a lot of back and forth. Until it became so bad I left and didn't go back even when I wished it could have worked. Gosh I did everything possible to save that relationship. Now I am here again in this dark cold place. I don't know if it's me or the men I choose to date. All I know is I've ecognized what I need to change and I'm going to work hard to chang those things so that I don't take bad habits into my next relationship..with or without him.

[Ksol9]

Lostlove, I've been thinking about you. Hope you have been able to pull yourself up from the depression younsaid you were sinking into. I myself am feeling so lost today. Hope you are well.

[Ksol9]

Strange...I left my phone in my car to put some gas. When I get back in the car, i saw I had a missed call from him. No messafe and no text message. Maybe he called by mistake. I didn't call back. Leaving it as is.

 

This is too much to deal. I need to go home, take some medicine, and just go to sleep. Wish I could sleep until I don't feel like this anymore.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I've been having the hardest time getting out of my own head since I saw that she, this ex of his whom I confided in, added him back. It still absolutely kills me to think of him connecting with anyone else, after how close we were and all his words about us being soulmates and him never having really loved anyone or been in love before me. I'm trying to keep bolt's phrase in mind, when she referred to it as his "woman of the week," and realize that he's relationship-hopping and these women are only special in the moment. This is doubly hurtful though, because I trusted this girl. She said she never wanted anything to do with him again, even as friends. At the end of December, I posted something on fb about what a horrible year I had had due to a breakup, etc etc, and she hearted the post. She knew exactly what I was talking about. Then a week later she adds him back as a friend, after not talking to him all year. I don't understand it. I don't know who reached out to who. But I know they're talking and getting close again - I just know. I don't know how many people have noticed this, but on fb messenger you can now see past contacts in your chat list when they're online, even if you've unfriended. So I see him on now a ton since they added each other back, whereas before he was barely on. And she's on all the freaking time. She's always been his fallback girl, I've felt - every time something ends with someone, he reaches out to her, and she allows it. He did it every time he and I ended. Right now it must be because he and trashy married woman ended. I don't want to be a fallback girl, but it still hurts that he didn't even bother to try reaching out to me. My mind has been racing with all these thoughts for days. I've pretty much accepted the fact that I'll never feel happy or get over him or find anyone else to love again. It just is what it is.

 

I read your posts the past couple of nights while I was in bed. I've been trying to find a moment when my mind is not completely filled up with this other stuff so that I can give a thoughtful reply, but it's really difficult sometimes, I'm sorry. Let me read today's posts and then I'll reply. Ive been thinking about you, though, and knowing what hell you're going through, because it's the same thing I went through 7ish months ago. It was a nightmare. I can only hope that whatever happens, you're far better off 7 months from now than I am today. Whatever you have to do, you do not want to remain in this depth of pain, I can assure you. Maybe you should look at some of what I've done and do the opposite.

 

Going to catch up, be back...

[lostlove76]

Through all of these tears and sleepless night, at the same time, there is an overwhelming understanding that I must let him go. There is nothing I could say to change things. He has made up his mind. Lostlove had suggested to reach out to him after giving him some time to cool down. I honestly considered it, but then I reminded myself...my emotions are not stable. His text messages went much further than rejection..I could feel his determination to move on. His mind is made up even if the anger goes away. He hates me. I don't know why letting go is so hard. I wish I knew how to make it all go away.

 

I went back and read some of my earlier posts in the thread. Much of what I am saying is the same now. The one major difference is that I had an enormous amount of hope. I hoped that he would turn things around and I had faith that he was taking the time to do so. I'm still singing the exact song, but I don't think my hope and faith is as strong. I don't believe he's thinking of me and what happened. He's not thinking like I am. I think he is just thinking of what he can do to move on. New women, friends, work, etc. he's going to be lonely in that house all alone. He's going to try to occupy his time talking to other women on Facebook, going out of town, etc. he doesn't have family. There is only one cousin he talks to on the phone. This cousin lives out of state. I don't know for sure and I am only assuming, but I think he is just thinking about enjoying his life and the new freedom he has. He isn't serious about his life at the moment. He just sent his children back to live with their mother. That is probably the only loss he is dealing with right now.

 

I still hope that he is thinking about me. I still hope and have faith that he will take the time to evaluate our relationship and why we didn't work. I still hope deep down inside that he will turn this around. I know he can't see for himself without allowing some time to pass. I need to allow myself time to move on also. I am going to give this a real effort to move on with my life. I don't even know what I'm saying. I need sleep. I have to get up for work in a few hours. I just wish things were different. I'm still hoping and praying this is going to change its course.

 

Just wanted to comment on this real quick. I agree that you're saying all the exact same things you said after the first breakup, and a lot of what you said after the second as well. And most of it is all the same things I said to myself after each breakup, as well. I completely understand the hope. But I wanted to point out that you shouldn't have to live like this - having all these horrible feelings, yet hoping he'll come to his senses, every few months. It's extreme emotional torture, and it's tearing you apart. It tore me apart, broke me down completely. Even before I knew of married woman's existence, I was trying my hardest to force myself to break free of him because I couldn't take it anymore. The ups and downs, hots and colds, ons and offs. It was killing me, and I knew I couldn't do that for the rest of my life. The point I want to make is that you should require better than for someone to be allowed to come in and out of your life. We both keep hoping that they'll choose us, in a sense, no matter what they've done to hurt us over and over along the way. Ms Darcy may have a point about the rejection aspect, although I know that's only a part of it.

 

Let me continue reading... I did see in a quick glance that your last post said he had tried to call, so maybe things have changed course by now?

[lostlove76]

I woke up this morning thinking how stupid I must look. I've been back and forth with this man too many times. This is the third break up. How many times do I intend to go through this? Anxiety is fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of losing a relationship I've become used to. Fear of unknown...what is to come. Anxiety is just fueling me to want it back, to get it back at any cost because I just want this anxiety to go away. I understand everything that is going on. I think I doubt myself and that self doubt is what creates a lot of confusion in my mind. It's like my mind and body is in a state of alert. I want answers, I want understanding, I want this grief to stop.

 

As history would prove, as evidenced by both breakups, there will be silence for a matter of weeks from both ends, then I get a text. I run right back. Granted circumstances have changed. Maybe this cycle has stopped here. I don't know. All I know is that i am spinning my wheel and I am getting no where fast. I need to focus on myself and my future. Give it all to the breeze and if he comes back, he comes back. If he doesn't, he doesn't...either way, I've got myself sorted out. I need to sort myself out. Right now I am broken and he is just carrying on with his life. The only person suffering is me. He is not going through what I am going through, so who really loses. I have control of my life. He no longer holds that power in his hands anymore...to hurt me. I better start looking out for myself...and I better do it fast.

 

What he does is no longer my business. I took a look at his Facebook this morning. He added another woman. She looks like she is in a relationship. Nothing different from the other women I've seen him linked to. I can predict coming home to an empty home, traveling for work, Facebook women, casual sex...it will get old. There is always a chance that after some good time goes by, he will give me a call to try to reconcile and the cycle continues. Do I really want that for myself? No one can predict the future, he may be gone for good..I don't know. I just know I need to focus on myself. I can't continue to live like this.

 

I still have the transponder for the gate. With this anger, I just want to throw it away. I also found his wallet in my car in the side pocket door this morning. No money to credit cards, just a license and a social security card. He hasn't asked for anything. I will mail it to him.

 

I feel so stupid, for lack of a better word. Simply put, stupid. He threw it all away just like that. Without a second thought. Why don't I value myself enough to not settle for someone like that. I do deserve better. How foolish could I be to think this man actually cares for me? That he actually loves me? He surely doesn't. He just moved on with his life and here I am still in love with him. Still hoping that he'd change his mind. I'm ashamed of myself.

 

Truly amazing how similar our thought processes are! I wrote my last post before reading this one, and you're saying some of the same things - or at least the basic idea that was in my head as I was writing.

 

You DO deserve better, but you're NOT stupid. Please don't ever feel that way. Sometimes I feel like people must think I'm pathetic to still be so affected, but honestly, I really don't care anymore. I know what's in my heart. And I know what's in your heart. You care, and you're deeply attached. It's not the healthiest, only evidenced by how much pain it's causing us. But it's not "wrong." Anyone who thinks you're stupid for having feelings just doesn't empathize, because maybe they aren't the same way. Maybe things are easier for them because they're better able to detach. But that's beside the point, because I don't think that anyone here thinks you're stupid. It's just negative self-talk, and that won't do you any good right now.

 

One more page and I'll be caught up...

[lostlove76]

I agree with this. I remember, with my last ex, going through this repeatedly and having it play out nearly the same way every time (and, not-so-coincidentally, HE went through it with HIS previous ex -- she had left him three times, and every time it played out almost exactly the same way,too). Each time, I went through a thought process that, each time, went further and further. It started with I KNOW I'll hear from him again, because that's what's happened all the other times" and moved to "I really HOPE I'll hear from him again, because that's what happened all the other times" to "I wonder if I'll hear from him again, because that's what happened all the other times" to (very gradually, mind you) "It's unlikely I'm not going to hear from him again, even though that's what happened all the other times" to "It's probably a good idea if I never hear from him again" to "Hearing from him would be a really, really bad thing" to, finally "I really don't care at all whether I ever hear from him again!"

 

Now, as I type this, I'm remembering a time when thinking I'd never hear from him again, that things were over for good, was so devastating to me that I refused to believe it. I thought and thought, analyzed and re-analyzed and over-analyzed everything, blamed him, blamed myself, wondered if I should reach out, realized I shouldn't...I went through it all. Time -- and distance -- helped to settle things down, as did therapy, friends, exercise, and making changes to my life -- until finally, he had moved to the periphery, then to the background, then...to nowhere. Now, I see him from time to time (at work --he's a colleague) and I look at him and think "Whoa. I used to be SO close to that guy! And now....I can barely remember it."

 

I truly believe, ksol, that on-off relationships are destined to end permanently-- that the fact that they ARE off and on tells us that something isn't right -- something fundamental, elemental, that keeps them from being consistent, healthy, and lasting. Often, it's just that people aren't compatible -- like oil and water -- but it can also be that one or both people have issues to sort out that the relationship only exacerbates, and being together doesn't allow for those issues to be resolved. I think on-off relationships have the potential to be far more devastating -- and harder to get over -- than ones where a clean break happens only once -- because there's always that hope of "but we got back together before!" or "He came back all the other times!" The thing is, the reasons for coming back are often not healthy ones, and the relationship picks up exactly where it left off.

 

Therapy. Friends. Fresh air. Exercise. Taking care of yourself. Letting yourself feel the feelings. Time. Distance. All of these things will make a difference, even if it doesn't seem that way now. Moving forward is a process -- it will not happen overnight, nor will it be linear. There will be setbacks. You just have to push through.

 

I hope you are feeling better. Take good care of yourself.

 

EXCELLENT post! Bolded, underlined, and capitalized. Lol. I agree that there is something fundamentally wrong in these on/off relationships, or else they wouldn't be on and off. I also HIGHLY agree with how devestating they can be - speaking from experience here, obviously. I wanted to add that you often see this when one or both partners are commitment-phobic and/or have intimacy issues. But also when there is poor conflict resolution skills and that sort of thing, I guess. It's complicated. I know that the problems with mine stemmed from him being so commitment-phobic. The love was there, and yet he still kept me at arms length all along, and messed things up over and over, and cheated, and etc etc - if I keep going I'll just get mad thinking about it. These are messed up people. I haven't decided yet if yours is truly commitment-phobic, but either way, the relationship is following the same unhealthy pattern in a lot of ways.

[Ksol9]

Thank you for writing lostlove. I've been thinking about you because I recall you saying you were falling into a depression. I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling lately. The first thing that popped out when you spoke about this ex and how they are both on Facebook messenger quite a bit now, was what you always told me. When you saw that they reconnected on Facebook, this sent off alarms. You automatically assumed the very worst. Worst case scenario. Pretty much what I've been doing since this thing blew up in my face a week ago. You and the ex are friends Facebook correct? Has she been posting anything out of the ordinary or anything that would directly tell you that maybe her feelings for him have reignited? Does he like any of her posts? Funny how Facebook can be used to connect dots. At the same time Facebook can create a lot of problems. I say this because what you see on Facebook doesn't necessarily mean they are talking. I know you've come up with that conclusion but it could be sheer coincidence. I know he isn't sitting in a room staring at a wall, but he definitely doesn't have anyone significant in his life. I also think the reason he never reaches out to you is because he knows you will not tolerate or settle for being a fall back girl. He wouldnt go through the trouble to try. Little does he know that even if he were to try one time, maybe things would find a way to sort itself between the two of you. I think when he is just hopping from woman to woman, being a single guy....he looks for what convenient and easy, muchlike my guy. Nothing and no one of substance. I think if they are talking, it's not anything serious. I know you feel somewhat betrayed by her because you confided in her, but for some reason I believe who ever reached out to who, it was done out of sheer curiosity. Not to spark a relationship. You're quite the investigator so I'm sure you'll see more clues to follow. I'm don't feel good about encouraging that because I know it is not the root of your pain but an accessory to your pain. I don't know what to suggest to help you. You are not ready to let go and thats ok, but I've told you before, you are deserving of love and you will find someone who can treat you right should you decide to date. I don't have any doubt in my mind about that. I just know you're a wonderful person.

 

It's funny you speak about Facebook messenger and being able to see them active even though you are no longer friends. I was on Facebook frequently today and I didn't see him online at all today. Normally he is on maybe once or twice an hour. I'm ashamed to admit that I know that. He goes on Facebook very often even in the week that we've split up. Anyhow, today no activity. I thought he was out of town. I was freaking out all day. One minute I'm strong, the next I'm not. I was just a wreck. Then I got a call from him. I didn't answer. I figured it was made in error. When I got home I cried and cried I felt for sure he was in Tampa and was with someone else. I decided to go to the office just to get out of the house. On my way there he passed me on the road. He wasn't out of town after all. My imagination is just running wild and I'm torturing myself thinking the very worst. Just like yours, I'm not expecting him to be staring at a wall. I'm sure he's doing what single guys do, but it doesn't mean he is sleeping around or just prowling around for women. That is what I'm thinking. It shouldn't matter what he does, but I'm being completely honest...aweek after our break up, it is bothering me tremendously.

 

I remember when I left him because I found those emails..I felt emoowered. I was confident about my decision. I was able to find strength and self worth because it validated all that I was feeling. It wasn't me, it was him. I don't know who I was trying to fool, but anyhow there is a difference between the dumpee and dumper. I've experienced both sides. They're both still extremely painful and you feel the loss both ways, but being the dumper is a little different. I know men are different and process things differently. Especially these guys who seek female attention during crisis. I found strength in being the dumper. Strength to move on because I my reason for leaving was justified. I wanted to take care of myself, dress well, get up, get out. All the things that I can't seem to find as a dumpee. I didn't want to meet other men or sleep around, but I was motivated to move on and I thought maybe in time I would meet someone. No matter what I wanted him because I was in love with him but there was an acceptance of the matter that I can't seem to find as the dumpee. Both times he chose to end the relationship it has completely crushed me to the point I can't catch my breath. I don't know why I am thinking he is just out sleeping with whoever he can sleep with. I'm thinking he met someone new. All sorts of things to drive me insane. I'm thinking any and everything to say he isn't thinking of me. I went back and read some of my posts when I left him, I needed time to think and figure things out. I wanted him to come back, but I needed to figure it if this relationship was something I wanted and I welcomed the time apart. I wanted him to think, ignites change, and growth. My point is, I'm overthinking. He is human just like I am. He copes differently, yes, but that doesn't mean he isn't thinking. I don't want to give myself false hope. He was very angry and was very clear that he believed we would never work out. He was clear that he didn't want me in his life. I understand that. Maybe that wasn't just anger and maybe his feelings won't change, but it doesn't mean he won't take time to process. He's alone now. I found it very strange that he didn't go on Facebook at all today. If he did it was much less than usual. I really shouldnt keep up with it because it's not a place he will send subliminal messages anymore. The same things that happened before won't happen again as we are no longer Facebook friends, but anyhow, regardless of if I ever hear from him ever again...I've got to find it in myself to move forward. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I shouldn't be looking for hope where there is none.

 

I need to find happiness again. This is no way to start the year. I am not counting on him coming back, it seems impossible right now, but I am hoping that he will take the time to process and make changes that he needs to change if he ever did think about reconciling with me. I know how he operates. I've been through this twice with him. His anger will subside and he will take a long time..weeks, months to think things through. Im not saying that will happen this time , but if this thing takes a turn, it has to come from him. I can't find it in myself to contact him after the way he spoke to me. After all that he said, I feel like he treated me like what we had meant nothing. For all I know, this is the very end for us. He may have gotten so fed up of this cycle that it will stop here for good, I don't know. Time will tell.

 

I can't wait to see my therapist tomorrow. I want to formulate a plan and I want to start working on empowering myself. At the end of the day, I know this is his loss. I never gave him a thing to worry about. He was in full confidence about my love for him. He knew I was so in love with him that I wouldn't leave and He knows I am very much in love with him still. I'm not going to wait, but if he never comes back then I'm ok with that...it's really for the best.

 

It's been one week since this happened. I shouldn't have been surprided, but I don't think there's ever a way to be prepare even after going through it a couple times. It's still just as painful to lose someone you love. Plus those children, I think of them quite a bit. I'm not worried about them because I know they're with mom, but I just miss them I guess. I regret not keeping my cool until they left...I really needed to give this whole thing a try until after they left. Him and I never gave the relationship the attention and nurturing it needed to thrive. How long can I live in regret. It happened and this was bound to happen. The faster I accept it, the faster I can live in peace.

 

Thank you for being there for me lostlove. You've been such a great friend here.

[Ksol9]

I read some of your responses after posting. I'll read and respond. If I don't get to it tonight, I will tomorrow. I just wish I was home with him in bed. I can't believe I ended up here again. The missing him and all that other stuff has just begun. I really am not looking forward to the long road I have ahead of me. Why do I always choose the long and difficult road? One day I'll still it right..one day