Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

And btw, isn't this the married woman that you're talking about, that he contacted? Forgive me if I have the facts mixed up. "Normal" people do not pursue married people. And to reiterate, when I say normal, I mean emotionally healthy, good people who are seeking true love and commitment. People with values and morals. I cannot fathom going after someone else's significant other in any capacity. He is not serious about this woman. She is a void-filler, nothing more. If he just no longer cared about you, he would be focusing on the kids, and otherwise taking his space. There would be no NEED to immediately find someone else. And if this is the married woman that I'm thinking of, it's only because she's easy and similarly has no morals and he doesn't have to offer or commit to anything. She's there and she's easy. You are SOOOO much better than that!!!!!!

 

 

Yes this is the same married woman. She seems to have an open marriage. She just wants to be single. She has 3 children. She is gross. What you said is accurate. He doesn't want anything serious with her, but I do think he likes her...obviously. She is easy and convenient. She will drive to our town to see him on weekends and he can send her back afterwards. Very convenient situation. That was what he was in before he met me. This is what he wants. I am so much better than that. it's like you said, she's easy. there are definitely some issues within him if his children are moving in a few days, he's on vacation with them and he is thinking of lining things up with this woman.. She is complete trash. He has said so himself. He really shouldn't spit up what he can't swallow. I'm angry and as this processes, I'm going to be an emotional wreck.

 

Lostlove, I know you say it's not that he doesn't care about me, but it doesn't feel that way. If he was thinking about me, he wouldn't be reaching out to this other woman. This is going to consume me for a while. It's so time consuming. It's making me so sick to think he is going to sleep with this woman this weekend.

 

Lostlove, what do you think is going to happen? I'm such a mess right now. I can't think straight. I have this hope inside that I just want to burn and let die immediately. He's going to sleep with this woman. I can't cope with that. I guess I've already done what needed to be done. I sent the text messages letting him know that I'm aware of everything and I've already gotten all my belongings. It's over now.

[Ksol9]

I don't want to be in denial. He doesnt want to be in a relationship with me and wants me gone out of his life. What was I thinking sending those text messages?? I totally just made a fool of myself. Part of me feels good for getting that off my chest. He is not going to try to save this relationship nor is he going to change his mind. His anger runs deep and it will stick around until after the damage is done.

 

I know this may sound like a silly question, but what do I do? I can't think straight. The relationship has ended. I was hoping he wouldn't really leave me and go out of town...he left anyway. I was hoping that he would turn this around..he adds the email woman on Facebook. I'm going to continue to get hurt if I don't turn around and walk the other way.

 

He kept sending me all those messages earlier today because he wanted me to get all my things out of the house. I wasn't woman enough to handle my business with him by meeting him to get my things out of the house. He felt I was trying to make things difficult. Not classy I guess.

 

I should not misinterpret any of this. He doesn't want to be with me and he wants to move on with his life. He didn't waste time contacting that woman because that is exactly what he wants. He made a decision on Monday to end this relationship and he isn't looking back. He is looking forward and has plans that don't include me. I need to disappear from this situation and from his life. He is not magically going to change his mind. He is actually going to follow through with all that he has in his mind to do and when all of the emotions settle and life goes back into its routine, he will feel the loss of me and the children. If he musters up the courage to contact me in a month or so which may not happen at all, but in the event that it does, it will be too late. The damage has been done.

 

It's like I'm sitting back and I can see the destruction. Like I know what is going to happen and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I know he will regret this decision. I know he will. We are two fools in love. Except I am smarter than him. I wouldn't put anything between us until I know in my heart I'm moving on with my life. I'd take the time to process everything. He is not good for me. He destroyed our love. He is going to put the nail in the coffin. I know in my heart that I will not hear from him. Even if he cares about me, he is going to do this just to try to move on. I know deep down inside this isn't going to change its course, so I should not hope. Hope is not doing me any good.

 

I need to find strength in everything that is happening right now. I need to expect the worst and prepare for that. He has left town. He is in communication with this same woman he had intentions of sleeping with that night of the emails and maybe he did sleep with her. I'd be a fool not to see what is happening at the moment. I did what I needed to do, got my belongings, and I sent him those messages. Now it's out of my control. I've just got to sit down and put on a seat belt. The option of contacting him after a week or so is off the table. He has to turn this around very soon or that's it. It has to be over. There are no exceptions.

 

I'm sure you can tell I'm trying to convince myself. God I really need help right now.

[Ksol9]

Gosh, I've been up all night. Im tired but I can't go to sleep. I should get up for work now and then come back home early.

 

Something just clicked in my mind. This is out of my control now. Why am I trying to control it? My therapist showed me that video and the message was so very important. Someone wants to go...let them. I'm not going to fool myself here. He isn't coming back and this isn't going to turn around. It will likely go further and get worse if I sit and watch. im almost 100% certain he won't respond to those messages.

 

I need to hop in the shower, run some errands for work, and then come home to get some rest. I need to get myself together. I can see myself falling apart here. I shouldn't need anymore answers as far as what is going to happen. What's going to happen is right in front of my eyes on his Facebook and in his texts demanding that I get out. I'll leave him to deal with his anger and the decisions he is going to make about his new life without me and the children. I need to take care of myself.

[Ms Darcy]

I know you don't WANT to be in denial ... but you are.

[Ksol9]

I know you don't WANT to be in denial ... but you are.

 

I know Ms Darcy. I'm trying. I'm really trying. I need to trust what I feel deep down inside.

 

He sent a number of text messages this morning. I haven't slept and I am still at the office working. I can't think straight. I'm thinking I should ask my parents to let me take a few days off. I know they'll understand. I'll be back to update on what happened when I get off work.

[Ksol9]

Signed on a few times to write, but my mind kept wandering. I've been in sort of a daze all day. It must be the lack of sleep. I'm just running on pure adrenaline and at the same time, I feel like something inside of me died. All of these experiences..everything I've been going through is changing me. I'm not the same person. I looked in the mirror today and I didn't even recognize myself.

 

My head has been down all day. I keep trying to grasp reality. Separate myself from being in denial...separate myself from my emotions. Think with logic and not with my heart.

 

One of our employees didn't show up to work this morning. No call no show. I wanted to bang my head on the wall. That meant I had double the responsibility and I had to stay much longer than anticipated. After sending those text messages last night, I felt somewhat embarrassed. I felt that maybe he didn't deserve to know that anything he did got to me, but I was tired of watching my tongue. The end is never pretty. I gave him a piece of my mind and I had the right to be angry too. I wanted him to know that I was right along about how he runs to other women each and everytime him and I have a problem. It never fails...before I could turn my back, he's reaching out to another woman. I didn't expect a reply. I was surprised to see multiple text messages come in from him.

 

1. You are not allowed in that house. I told you I'll give you your stuff when I get back do not go into the house. I gave you the option to get your stuff yesterday and you chose not to do it. I'm warning you

 

2. And as far as (email woman's name) I don't know what youre talking about because I'm not friends with that b*** on facebook.

 

3. You have a problem. I dont understand why you stalk my facebook. I am not friends with her. You need to let it go. Stop doing your s***. That's why I wish it never went anywhere. You were so involved with everything else and rather than doing whats right and being happy. You need to fix those demons within yourself.

 

I didn't respond. I got what I needed and I have no more business with him. I called my local police department to ask about my situation and if I did anything wrong by entering the home to get my things. I spoke the truth and the officer told me....you have nothing to worry about. You will be ok. I am a bit worried that he intends to call the police for going into the house when he clearly told me I am not allowed.

 

I wanted to respond to him. I still don't understand why he is so angry with me. I also dont understand why he wants to be there for me to get my things. I dont want to see him and I dont any confrontation. You don't want to be with me, but you want to meet me in order for me to get my things out of the home we lived in together? That doesn't sit well with me and I handled it in the best way I knew how. At least that part is over. He will come home to find I already took my things. I dont expect to hear from him and I don't think he'll bother with giving me any further trouble. Its all said and done.

 

As for the woman he added on facebook. She sent him a happy birthday text and at that time, he blocked her. Last night, he had to unblock her and then added her. All those steps right? Well, when he sent the message saying he didn't know what I was talking about, I went back on to see his page. She's gone. He deleted her. I don't know what that was all about, but he was trying to make me feel crazy. Instead he looks like a liar and not that it matters any way. He can do what he wants. I am not looking at that page for any other reason other than to see what type of person I''m dealing with. He has a history of walking right back into my life and me letting him. I thank god I saw that he added her as a friend. It confirmed to me that I have been completely right about him. I know to stay away and although it hurt like hell to see that, it will give me strength to continue walking in the direction I''m walking and that is away from him.

 

His last text message gave me a good view of how he perceives me, how he still believes I am all to blame. His grammer was a little off and I know he was using talk to text. From what I gather...he feels I am the one with issues and he wished this relationship never went anywhere. He's going to get his wish.

 

I don't know what is going to happen, most likely nothing. Everything is so fresh. When he goes home, he will walk into an empty home. A home with no children and gf. I don't know if I will ever hear from him again. He obviously has his own plan about what he is doing. I am going to be ok. I am better off staying away from him. He's very angry with me for whatever reason. Maybe it was all the anger and resentment he was holding inside..maybe it was because he felt I was being selfish when this time should have been spent as a family before the children leave. I do feel very guilty about that, but at the same time, I don't believe he was treating like a woman he cared for and loved. This was bound to happen and he has made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with me. His last text message stated that I need to focus on my life. He has been very cold-hearted and direct about not wanting anything to do with me. There has been no indication whatsoever that he still cares for me or wants me in his life. There is no further reason for us to communicate. I got whatever belonged to me at the house and thats all she wrote. It's over. I do think this time is different. I don't think him and I will ever reconcile and I don't think he would even want to. He said some very damaging things. He is so cold. He hates my guts.

 

I'm going to spend the next few days trying to get as much rest as I can. Going to hop in the shower and try to relax my mind. I've had a knot in my throat since I got home. He hurt me so much, even those messages this morning...just hurtful. I'm not a victim and I completely understand my role in this. It just hurts I guess..to know our love, what we had, was destroyed.

[Ksol9]

As I posted my previous post, I received another text from him. It read the following:

 

My intentions were to never hurt you. Everything in the last few months have just built up inside of me and I just can't take it anymore. You and I both know that this would never work out and honestly, I don't know how we've lasted this long. You're a great woman with a great head on your shoulders. Just because we didn't work out doesn't mean that we failed.

 

To me, he is speaking truthfully without anger. He was very straightforward and direct. He doesn't want to save this relationship. There is no need for me to be in denial here. I won't be responding.

[Ksol9]

I fell to my knees when I went to take a shower. I've never felt so paralyzed in my life other than through these breakups. It's so traumatizing and it's not easier to maneuver just because I've been through it before. It still hurts like the first time. I'm in so much pain and I'm angry with myself for being such an emotional person.

 

I thought about what I would say if I were to respond to that text. I have been receiving text messages filled with anger and hatred throughout the day for the past 2 days now. I'm inclined to think that anything I say could trigger more anger. I don't have anything to say anyway. I don't want this. I want to save the relationship, but if he wants to go, he can go. I don't even know why he decided to text again...just reiterating the same things he has been saying, but just in a nicer tone. The message is still the same. He's knows he is hurting me and he must be thinking about it. This time is so different than all the other times or maybe I'm in denial again. He is talking and texting alot more. I've been getting texts from him pretty frequently over the past couple days. I'm sure it will be complete silence soon enough. He keeps making it clear over and over that we are over. I can't find it in myself to say anything to him. I know he is in contact with the woman he emailed in July. He is going to her on Friday after the children leave. He added her on facebook and even though he deleted her, that doesn't mean they are not in communication.

 

This is a turning point in his life. His children are moving and this on and off relationship isnt going to get either of us anywhere. I can't continue living like this anymore. This is torture. There are no words to explain how terrible this is. It really is testing me in every. single. way. Everything I envisioned for us..what we envisioned for eachother and our future together is non existent. All the faith he was trying to show me he had in our relationship just days ago has disintegrated. Just days ago he was telling me we have forever to build our relationship into what we want it to be. He is not feeling the loss that I am feeling. I know he is thinking about me, as evidenced by the frequent texts, but he is not thinking of me the way I am thinking of him. This pain is so unbearable right now. That text will probably be the last time I hear from him and I guess if that is the last thing he says to me...I can make peace with that.

[Ms Darcy]

This drama is the reason your relationship has not and will not work. You BOTH are more interested in being right than happy. The relationship ended the first break up. It's just been dragging along since. Just think about that.

[Ksol9]

This drama is the reason your relationship has not and will not work. You BOTH are more interested in being right than happy. The relationship ended the first break up. It's just been dragging along since. Just think about that.

 

I mean no disrespect by this at all. I literally laughed when I read what you wrote. Why? Because in the midst of my constant crying, it did cross my mind that this was so dramatic. Like a soap opera. And I didn't stop to think that maybe I was doing the same as him...pointing fingers and placing blame. My emotions are all over the place and I'm not really thinking straight. I don't even know what's really happening. All I know is the relationship is over and I have to move forward.

 

I am assuming what you are implying is that my perspective needs to change.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you are thoughtful and lovely and you have long deserved better than this guy.

[Ksol9]

Feeling even worse this morning. I woke up with a heavy heart and a huge knot in my throat. I feel so terrible after he sent that last text message. I will never hear from him or see him again. Today is going to be a long day.

[Ksol9]

I think you are thoughtful and lovely and you have long deserved better than this guy.

 

 

Thank you for saying this.

[Ksol9]

I don't even know what I feel right now.. Tomorrow the children are flying out at 7:30 pm. Afterwards, I am not sure if he will drive straight home and if he does he won't be back until after 11. He gave me 2 warnings saying that I wasn't allowed in the home. When he gets home he will find that I removed all my belongings. I don't know if he was just afraid that I would take anything I paid for in the house like furnishings, bed sets etc or if he just wanted confrontation. I don't care about the furnishings. I just picked up my clothes and shoes and went on my way. He can have everything else. Either way, when he gets home, I don't know what to expect. He may become angered that I entered when he warned me not to or he may just be whatever about it. Hopefully the latter. I don't want anymore issues with him. If this is what he wanted, I don't have a problem giving it to him. What kind of woman would I be if I was bitter or tried to hold him back. If someone doesn't love you and makes it clear they don't want you in their life..walk away. I never responded to his text messages yesterday and I heard nothing from him today. I'm not really focusing on anything in the future. Just trying to get through today and then tomorrow I'll worry about tomorrow.

 

My therapist told me something Ive read all over the place before. He said..just think, let this go and you'll give the right person the chance to find you. I know that is true, but I wanted this to work so badly. This is the 3rd breakup, how ridiculous is it of me that I still wanted to be with this man. I can't stop thinking about him. I can't get a break from him. My mind finds its way back to him within minutes if not seconds. I don't understand how in an instant he was so cold. Like he just wanted me to disappear out of his life forever. How can you write someone off just like that? I'll never understand it. I've experienced this kind of anger from him before. This time I don't think he will change how he feels. He is going to hate me until the end of time. I try to see myself in a couple months from now. I hope that I will have made tremendous progress from my new therapy sessions. I'm just so optimistic about that. I'm so willing to change and grow from this. This break up has motivated change without a doubt. It's just sad that along the way, I lost him.

 

I'm trying to look at this from a different perspective. Maybe his purpose in my life was to teach me how to grow and change. I did learn a lot about what it is to have true deep love and connection with someone. Respecting eachother and cherishing one another. Love and relationships happen because of chemistry and destiny, but maintaining that lasting connection takes work and maintenance. Learning to love one another takes work and commitment. I have never had a learning experience like this from any previous relationship. I think I learned a lot about being a mother..step mom..and what it would be like to have a blended family. Him and I never had the chance to grow our love and connection without the children. Our opportunity for that was right around the corner. Shame we didn't make it that far. I don't want to think of it in that regard. I think him and his children brought a lot of happiness and laughter to my life at a time when I was getting over a bad experience in a previous relationship. It was just something that was meant for a short period of time in my life and now it is time to move forward to bigger and better things. Things that I do very much deserve. I'm going to be 33 in April. I hope for a chance to get married and have a child. I want to have my own family. If I keep running in circles with him, I will lose my chance for those things. If I keep that in mind, maybe I will reach the stage of acceptance much faster than those other breakups we went through. I love him still, but that will fade in time. I have to move on. I have to.

 

In the back of my mind, I keep thinking about the pattern we've been following for a couple years now. Fights, breakups, getting back together. I even looked through old text messages from previous breakups and even little fights earlier in our relationship. Seems similar to this time except this time, I see that he is going the extra mile to communicate to me that he wants this to be over..that we will never work and that we don't have a future together. He and I both know this is our last run. This is the last time we break up and we will not reconcile this time. I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again and i hurt inside just thinking the last time I saw the children was the last time I'll ever see them again. He really treated me like

I was no one to him. How much did he really value and appreciate me? Zero.

 

My sadness over the children moving is growing. I thought about contacting them to say goodbye, but it isn't my place. He treated me like I meant nothing to him. The best thing I can do for myself and for them is to just fade away in peace. Maybe one day, I'll see or speak to the children again. Hopefully they will always have good memories of me. I hope that i left a good impression on them. I've always tried my best to set a good example and to be a good role model for them. Our relationship was not stable and I'm sure that was unhealthy for them, but I hope they see me in a good light. That is my hope. We had some wonderful times as a family for the past 2 years and I guess I'll always have those great, fun, and exciting memories to cherish. Life has to go on. I'm excited for them and their new life and in time I will be excited for myself and the new life I'm going to be able to build for myself.

 

As for him, I just want to be at peace with everything that happened. I'm going to work hard at not carrying any of this hurt with me. Endings are never pretty. I didn't expect to see the best side of him. I don't know what I expected. We may never cross paths again and I may never speak a word to him again. I have to find it in my heart to be ok with that. It'll come in time I guess.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm sorry that I'm just now checking back in. I got really depressed yesterday morning over something I saw, and my mind has been racing about it ever since. The depression I felt yesterday was almost unbearable. In a nutshell, so as not to be cryptic but also not wanting to change the subject of the thread at the moment when you're going through your awful thing, I saw that the ex of his who I confided in and became friendly with has now added him back on Facebook, after telling me that she had no feelings for him and never wanted anything more to do with him ever again. I just feel betrayed by her, and I don't know if it's justified. I also feel hurt that he's talking to every woman alive other than me. And of course I'm picturing them riding off into the sunset together. So that's why I haven't been back on, I'm sorry. I'm going to try to read and catch up.

[lostlove76]

Okay, I'm all caught up. I feel so bad that I wasn't here. I just had a wave of depression hit me that was almost debilitating yesterday, and today wasn't a whole lot better. Couldn't fall asleep last night because I was housesitting and not in my own bed, and my mind was just racing with all kinds of negative thoughts. And I know that as I'm typing this, he and the ex are talking, and it's just more hurt heaped upon piles of hurt that already existed.

 

So I know exactly how you're feeling. Most of what you're saying is all the same things I've been saying to myself for the past 7+ months, especially right after the final breakup occurred. Like I said somewhere above, this is a special kind of hell. I'm so sorry you're going through it. I'm really glad you have therapy to help get you through the difficult times ahead.

 

It does sound like he reached his breaking point in terms of a pressure buildup, like he's basically telling you. It's possible that it happened at this point in time because the kids are leaving, so there was some underlying stress. Guys generally can't handle a lot of stress, nor can they handle a lot of emotion - which is unfortunate, because we women are emotional creatures. So I think it all just became too much all at once, and he dealt with it by getting angry. Honestly, I can relate! I'm TOTALLY 100% on your side here, but maybe I can offer the other perspective since I'm like him in that way. I get stressed out and angry even when the other person hasn't done anything wrong, per se. All the time, I do this. With everyone. Because I don't handle stress well. I get angry and blame the other person in my mind, because it relieves the pressure somehow - I think, "they messed up, not my fault, I owe them nothing." I think that's what he's doing in the moment here. I think space for him to defuse is all that's going to help, unless you want to take the blame and tell him you're sorry for your part and that you understand why he's upset. If someone told me that and then gave me space, it would probably help defuse me and I would start softening, even if it took some time. BUT, to do that is to put aside the bigger picture with all the problems within your relationship, and I'm not sure that's the best course of action. I think you have too much pride, anyhow, to do that. Backing up, I meant to add that IF you do that, you have to do it in a way that suggests zero pressure and provides total space. It's basically just damage control though, and I'm not suggesting it. Just offering it as an option, since I can sense how he probably feels from what you've said.

 

Bigger picture though....

He is still the type of person to turn to other women in the face of conflict, and to break up when tensions get high. This doesn't bode well for a long-term relationship Are you positive you saw her on his friend list? If so, then he blatantly lied to you. NOT GOOD, but if he didn't care what you think, then why bother to lie and delete her?

 

Don't feel bad or embarrassed for your texts to him!!! 1) Women do that kind of thing alllllll the time. We're emotional beings. Men think women are crazy, and women think men are cold-hearted a$$h0les. It's just how it is. 2) I would MUCH rather be on the receiving end of emotional texts and hearing how someone is feeling than to receive nothing but cold silence. So at least you two have communicated about this.

 

I don't know if anything I'm saying is helpful. I know you're hurting and thinking all the worst-case scenarios about every single part of this I feel for you. I'm trying to find logic in it, but I know that doesn't take away from the raw pain. You and I, we love with our whole hearts, and we want nothing more than for it to work. But we have walls up, and we sabotage. And we choose guys who sabotage. We operate from a place of fear, so scared to lose the one we love, and it's such a horrible way to have to live. Then when we do lose them, whether temporarily or forever, it absolutely cripples us. I don't know the solution to that. I really don't even know what causes it. You seem to have good parents, and I have good parents. But we've ended up devastatingly hurt by these guys who may not even be worth it??? It's hard to see, because we love them. Ms Darcy says we deserve better, and maybe we do. I know we do. Something is wrong with guys who hop immediately to the next woman. We need more loyalty than that.

 

I'm going to stop, because in my current state of mind, I'm afraid I'm not being very helpful. Just know that people here care. I care. Don't fall into the trap of feeling all alone. We both deserve better than this

[Ksol9]

Okay, I'm all caught up. I feel so bad that I wasn't here. I just had a wave of depression hit me that was almost debilitating yesterday, and today wasn't a whole lot better. Couldn't fall asleep last night because I was housesitting and not in my own bed, and my mind was just racing with all kinds of negative thoughts. And I know that as I'm typing this, he and the ex are talking, and it's just more hurt heaped upon piles of hurt that already existed.

 

So I know exactly how you're feeling. Most of what you're saying is all the same things I've been saying to myself for the past 7+ months, especially right after the final breakup occurred. Like I said somewhere above, this is a special kind of hell. I'm so sorry you're going through it. I'm really glad you have therapy to help get you through the difficult times ahead.

 

It does sound like he reached his breaking point in terms of a pressure buildup, like he's basically telling you. It's possible that it happened at this point in time because the kids are leaving, so there was some underlying stress. Guys generally can't handle a lot of stress, nor can they handle a lot of emotion - which is unfortunate, because we women are emotional creatures. So I think it all just became too much all at once, and he dealt with it by getting angry. Honestly, I can relate! I'm TOTALLY 100% on your side here, but maybe I can offer the other perspective since I'm like him in that way. I get stressed out and angry even when the other person hasn't done anything wrong, per se. All the time, I do this. With everyone. Because I don't handle stress well. I get angry and blame the other person in my mind, because it relieves the pressure somehow - I think, "they messed up, not my fault, I owe them nothing." I think that's what he's doing in the moment here. I think space for him to defuse is all that's going to help, unless you want to take the blame and tell him you're sorry for your part and that you understand why he's upset. If someone told me that and then gave me space, it would probably help defuse me and I would start softening, even if it took some time. BUT, to do that is to put aside the bigger picture with all the problems within your relationship, and I'm not sure that's the best course of action. I think you have too much pride, anyhow, to do that. Backing up, I meant to add that IF you do that, you have to do it in a way that suggests zero pressure and provides total space. It's basically just damage control though, and I'm not suggesting it. Just offering it as an option, since I can sense how he probably feels from what you've said.

 

Bigger picture though....

He is still the type of person to turn to other women in the face of conflict, and to break up when tensions get high. This doesn't bode well for a long-term relationship Are you positive you saw her on his friend list? If so, then he blatantly lied to you. NOT GOOD, but if he didn't care what you think, then why bother to lie and delete her?

 

Don't feel bad or embarrassed for your texts to him!!! 1) Women do that kind of thing alllllll the time. We're emotional beings. Men think women are crazy, and women think men are cold-hearted a$$h0les. It's just how it is. 2) I would MUCH rather be on the receiving end of emotional texts and hearing how someone is feeling than to receive nothing but cold silence. So at least you two have communicated about this.

 

I don't know if anything I'm saying is helpful. I know you're hurting and thinking all the worst-case scenarios about every single part of this I feel for you. I'm trying to find logic in it, but I know that doesn't take away from the raw pain. You and I, we love with our whole hearts, and we want nothing more than for it to work. But we have walls up, and we sabotage. And we choose guys who sabotage. We operate from a place of fear, so scared to lose the one we love, and it's such a horrible way to have to live. Then when we do lose them, whether temporarily or forever, it absolutely cripples us. I don't know the solution to that. I really don't even know what causes it. You seem to have good parents, and I have good parents. But we've ended up devastatingly hurt by these guys who may not even be worth it??? It's hard to see, because we love them. Ms Darcy says we deserve better, and maybe we do. I know we do. Something is wrong with guys who hop immediately to the next woman. We need more loyalty than that.

 

I'm going to stop, because in my current state of mind, I'm afraid I'm not being very helpful. Just know that people here care. I care. Don't fall into the trap of feeling all alone. We both deserve better than this

 

Hi lostlove, I'm so sorry you're having a hard time right now. Thank you for offering me so much support even in your dark times. I'm really grateful. You seem to always understand what I am going through. I don't know how but you just get it.

 

I think what you said about his anger is pretty accurate. I did take into account that he is going through a very serious life changing event with the children moving. This was extremely stressful for me..imagine what it is doing to him. I know this had a lot to do with him reaching his breaking point. He's not a person to handle stress well. In fact, I've seen him handle other situations in a similar way. Our first break up is almost identical to this. So identical it's scary. Some of the same things he has been saying are the same things he said then. I also think you are correct that the only thing that will defuse his anger is space and time. It doesn't look like he will change his mind about ending the relationship. It sure doesn't feel that way. I think that will be the difference between now and the other breakups. There may be no coming back from this. You seem to understand him in the sense you are just like him when he is angry and upset and stressed.

 

To me it just seems that he is still very angry. Even the last text was said in a softer tone, but I can tell there is underlying anger. He was voicing why he reached a breaking point. It seems to me that he is still pointing fingers and blaming me alone. I don't have a problem apologizing and taking accountability for my part in this. I am sorry that things ended this way. I don't agree that he should have given up. I think I took things too far. I don't know how to let things go. I didn't control my emotions and I was treating him really poorly as a result.

 

I am 100% positive I saw that they were friends of Facebook. I could not go back to sleep after seeing that. I went back and looked numerous times. Then when I sent him those messages in the middle of the night, I knew he was sleeping. I knew he wouldn't see it until the morning. When he woke up, he deleted her upon reading my messages. I checked his page as soon as he replied to my messages. He blatantly lied and I think the reason for that is because he doesn't want me to have it to say...see I was right all along! Why should that matter when he ended things anyway? It really shouldn't. This was his decision and he can do what he wants. Even the issue about me getting my things from the home. He shouldn't care if I wanted my things or not. He shouldn't even care that I didn't want to see him to get them. I think he just wants to make sure that he proves he is right and justified in his decision and he wants to make sure I'm hurt by it. I could be wrong but this is what it feels like to me.

 

Communication is open, but I am choosing not to respond at the moment. He is angry and nothing I say will matter. I would apologize and take responsibility for my part if the opportunity arises but I think it's best I just let it all go at the moment. Nothing is going to change his mind at the moment and from prior experience I know the importance of NC. The sooner I go into the nc, the faster he can get to the stage where he thinks clearly about his decision. I'm preventing that if I continue to express anger, hurt, or regret. He needs to sit and think about what he wants in his life especially now that the children are gone. He doesn't want me in his life, I have to let him go. As it is right now, I don't think he will contact me again. I believe he will come home to find that I've removed my things and he will leave it at that. This is what he wants..there wouldn't be a reason to poke further.

 

He is a very stubborn and prideful man. I know if he is even thinking twice about his decision, he will not be straightforward and tell me so anytime soon. I will sit in this torturous place feeling as though he doesn't care about me and that he isn't even thinking about me for a very long while. I am not expecting him to call or text at all. As history would show that he takes a bit to reconnect, I truthfully think this time is it. It's over. Abut I do understand his anger and I think you've helped with understanding him further. I would agree he is like you in regards to his anger.

 

As you said, there are larger issues there. The other women that he reaches for in times of conflict. This is a major problem. He is not changing this habit and that is why every time we get back together the cycle continues. I am hurt by his actions, we get back together and those actions effect me so greatly, I don't let it go and I react by taking my anger and resentment out on him. He tries to be patient and understanding, he bites his tongue. Anger and resentment grows within him and before long destruction again. It's a vicious cycle. I don't change my reaction and he doesn't either. So here we both are trying to prove our point that the other is wrong. We are totally two fools.

 

I don't know know what the solution here is. I don't know what is going to transpire. If he came to me tomorrlw changing his tune about ending the relationship, I'd without a doubt go back. I'm ashamed to say that. As an intelligent woman..I'm ashamed, but I'm being honest. I know it will take a miracle for that to happen but I'm just saying. I think this is dead and gone and I think when he gets back home, he already has a plan on how he wants to live his life. He wants to focus solely on work. As for play..this married woman will most likely come visit every other weekend. Just as they had it before. This was easy and convenient for him. She has strong feelings for him and is probably in love with him. Their relationship will most likely go to the next level and not just be a hookup here and there. Again, I know I'm probably thinking worst case scenario because it seems like he hates me so much and just wants to move on. He doesn't want me apart of his life.

 

I will have to wait and see. My plan is to focus on myself and therapy. I'm not going to focus on him and Facebook and what he is doing or not doing. I'm so very hurt and I'm beginning to miss him, his voice, the children. I wish I could take it all back. I wish he would turn this around, but I know that isn't going to happen. He's hurting me and he knows he is. I don't want to see him or talk to him unless there is an indication he is reconsidering, but I'm not going to wait for that.

 

I'm so sorry you are feeling depressed. I feel myself falling into that as well. Did you see that they were in communication through Facebook? I have to say that I didn't think they would carry on for this long. She seems so unstable that I expected the whole thing to fall apart indefinitely. That doesn't mean it still won't happen. I just think it's carrying on longer than I thought. I have to ask, has it ever crossed your mind that you would could make contact with him? Take care of yourself lostlove. Sleep and rest as much as you can. That is what I'm trying to do for myself but it's proving to be very difficult. I wake up feeling terrible and I'm unable to go back to sleep. I truly hope you find peace in allall that you are going through. You've been so kind to me.

 

I'm really anxious about today. I don't know how he will react when he sees I went in the home to get my things after he warned me not to. I just have to let him go. This is out of my control.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I'm sorry that I'm just now checking back in. I got really depressed yesterday morning over something I saw, and my mind has been racing about it ever since. The depression I felt yesterday was almost unbearable. In a nutshell, so as not to be cryptic but also not wanting to change the subject of the thread at the moment when you're going through your awful thing, I saw that the ex of his who I confided in and became friendly with has now added him back on Facebook, after telling me that she had no feelings for him and never wanted anything more to do with him ever again. I just feel betrayed by her, and I don't know if it's justified. I also feel hurt that he's talking to every woman alive other than me. And of course I'm picturing them riding off into the sunset together. So that's why I haven't been back on, I'm sorry. I'm going to try to read and catch up.

 

 

Oh, I didn't realize that you posted this before until now. I thought you were talking about the married woman, but this is an actual ex girlfriend. Did you see comments made to eachother that signified they are actually talking or just the Facebook add? The reason why I ask is because it could just be a Facebook add out of curiousity followed by simple talk which could stop right there. It doesn't have to mean they are going to get any further. I know I'm being hypocritical because I saw mine add the email woman and I am sure to say they are going to start a relationship soon, but as I read this, I thought instantly it doesn't have to mean anything if you just saw them add eachother. Any comments or conversation on his or her wall is something different though.

 

I feel really stupid saying this because I won't take my own advice since I'm going through almost the exact thing as you, try not to worry. What will be, will be. You know that by these things he is not in a serious relationship. He hasn't commmited to anyone else. He is still wandering around and hasn't found love with anyone else.

 

I'm sorry..I think I'll finish writing later. I woke up feeling scared. I literally jumped when I woke up just a little bit ago. I came to the forum immediately to write just to get my mind doing something. I miss my guy and today the children are flying out.i have it in my mind he will hook up with this woman today. I'm scared of just dealing with the reality of everything. I still hope he'll turn this around, but I don't think that's going to happen.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove, there were a few things you said that really caught my attention from your last post. I feel so helpless today. I must have read his last message a few times already for the day. I need to stop doing that because it's actually a very hurtful message. I think you made some great points about his anger and why he reached his breaking point.

 

The past few days, I've had a lot of time to think. I've been thinking a lot about my behavior and what really led to this breakup. Fault fell on both of us. Both of us did not have the time, energy, effort to put into our relationship. I wanted to but I didn't feel like he reciprocated and I completely understand why. The children, moving issues (we didn't even find a new place to live until 2 weeks after the lease was up), Christmas shopping. It was so much to deal with. We neglected eachother and he told me over and over to hold off until after the children move. I didn't listen of course and here we are today. He has a right to be angry. If he softens and decides he is unsure about his decision, I will put my pride aside to tell him how I feel. I know this wasn't my fault entirely, but I do think I could have handled myself better. We didn't work together. You also said that besides that...another major issue is him running to other women in times of conflict. The main problem we have had, my trust issues....are centered around this very thing. If he is continuing to do the same thing then how would it work if I am the only one making efforts to change and recognize my wrongs? It will never work. This same woman has been in the picture for some time now. Not only do I have no choice, I think the best thing I have done is go nc after the night I went to get my belongings after seeing her on his Facebook. That was my cue to go. Regardless of him deleting her, that doesn't mean he still cares or is unsure about his decision.

 

You said something about sabatoge. I do sabatoge for sure and that is why I have been living in my own self fulfilled prophecy. Everything I said would happen is coming to pass. What we focus on expands. That is all I focused on...exactly what is happening right now. As I was sitting in my therapist's office, he said to me that my guy was definitely sabatoging. I remember my father telling me when I found those emails..this is not going to stop. It's going to continue until you put it to an end. You'll find the strength and you will come to terms with this on your own, just take your time. I still remember each and every word and I've taken it into consideration. I'm sure they hate to see me struggle with this, but I think this time is ultimately the end. I think he is fed up, reached his limit, and he's done with this relationship. 've just got to find a way to cope and to move on with my life. I don't feel compelled to talk to him or to try to save anything. I'm very hurt by the way he treated me like I meant nothing. From one day to the next, he was completely heartless. Time may subside his anger, but I believe it won't change anything. He still won't want to continue the relationship. Its killing me to think that he is probably going to jump into a relationship with this woman. He will be alone with no children so I feel sure that is what is going to happen. There's nothing I can do. I just have to let it go. In my heart and soul, I've got to let go.

 

Today is going to be a long day. I took the rest of the day off. Im getting a pedicure at the moment just to try to relax. Afterwards, I want to go home and just sit in my room all alone. I don't know what is going to happen tonight. He may come straight home after the airport or he may go to this woman. I won't know for sure unless he says something about me going into the house to get my belongings when he specifically told me to wait until he returns. I don't know what is going to happen. Maybe nothing will happen at all. I may just never hear from him ever again after that text on Wednesday. I don't know why I'm even thinking about that. It shouldn't matter. I got my belongings and I need nothing else from him nor is there anything else to talk about.

[Ksol9]

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I have this constricting feeling in my chest. I came home to take a nap and every time

I close my eyes I'm thinking the very worst. How could he give up on us so suddenly? If he moves on to start a relationship with this other woman so quickly, I don't know how I'm going to cope with that. I just pray deep down inside that if he has any sort of doubt about his decision, he will wait and sort it out in his mind before sleeping with another woman. I'm so torn apart right now. I feel like I'm about to have a breakdown. I don't know what to do to keep myself under control.

 

I need to read or do something until I can fall asleep

[Ksol9]

In the middle of a complete breakdown. I can't stop crying. I get an activity report from his daughter's laptop every Friday. This means all her internet search history get emailed to me for review. We set it up like this so that we could monitor her browsing. There are parental controls but this is just an added precaution to see what she has been searching.

 

The searches showed she searched a hotel in Tampa on Tuesday. He had posted a couple of pics of them at a hotel overlooking a lake or something. I assumed it was in Orlando. I googled the name of the hotel and sure enough it was the same place in the pictures. That's means they were in Tampa until today. The girl from the emails lives in Tampa. As you can imagine, I am assuming he spent some time with her. I know the children's flight took off at 7:30. I don't know if he will be heading back tonight or going back to Tampa for the rest of the weekend. He doesn't have to go back to work until Monday. He was posting public photos of the children throughout the day on Wednesday, but after that it was complete silence. I wouldn't be surprised if he saw her during the time they were in Tampa. I know it doesn't matter because we broke up, but it definitely kills me to know that it is a possibility. I do believe the reason he was adamant about making it clear we wouldn't work out and that we were over was because things were already in the works with someone else. To him, ive disappeared since those texts I sent on Tuesday night. When he gets home, he will see I've already taken my things. Whether he says anything to me or not, I won't respond.

 

I know I shouldn't be keeping up with this but I did look at her Facebook and saw she posted a photo at 1am this morning. A selfie but it looked like she was out somewhere. There will be no clear indicators or photos that show them together because she is married and he quickly deleted her. Either way I will steer clear of him should he contact me and because I know there is a possibility she is in the picture, I won't be contacting him at all. I'd rather know. That way I won't be weak enough to contact him.

 

I've got to let him go. This is over with for good.

[Ksol9]

Felt like I was losing my mind yesterday. My mind was just going all over the place. I guess it is expected that I go back and forth. I'm trying my hardest not to worry, but I just can't. I couldnt sleep at all. I decided to go to the store to get some sort of sleep aid and on the way back I would drive by to see if he came home. His truck was parked outside. That means he knows I picked up my belongings. I didn't get any angry text messages about going in the home so I felt somewhat relieved by that. I think apart of my anxiety was from his multiple warnings about him not wanting me to go in the house. I did not know if he was serious or just trying to give me a hard time. Either way, I don't think I'll hear from him.

 

I think I feel guilty about not being more supportive and understanding during this difficult time in his life. He definitely had a lot going on and I gave him a really difficult time with my constant need for reassurance. Still I know this was a result of his poor decisions, but ultimately I am responsible for myself and I do think I could have handled myself better. I didn't give it a chance. Especially when I could say with full confidence that he wasn't doing anything behind my back since I went back. I guess this was just meant to happen. Who knows what was going to happen after the Children left. He needs time to grieve the loss of the relationship and the children moving. I don't think he is thinking of me or missing me. If he thinks of me, he thinks of me in a sense of relief that I am not there with that black cloud hovering over me. I'm so not proud of the way I was behaving toward the end. Why didn't I control myself? Why didn't I take a time out? I really need to work on that. It's something I want to talk about with my therapist. Although I regret my behavior, it's not enough for me to go out of my way to apologize. That book is closed and I think he shouldn't be proud of the way he treated me as well. There was a reason my mom kept telling me that we have to take care of eachother. I understand that so well now...after the fact. We really didn't look out for Eachother.

 

I don't know what is going to become of me in the upcoming weeks and months. I've already done quite a bit of suffering and I don't expect that to go away anytime soon. All of this isn't worth it. Any love or happiness I experienced with him was not worth this trouble I'm having now. I think I see myself carrying on like this for months on end and that alone is making me sick to my stomach because I also know this time, he won't be texting or calling to tell me to come home. It's not realistic for me to expect that. I'm expecting a long drawn out grieving process. Oh gosh how I'm dreading the thought...

 

It's a rainy stormy day here in Florida. The weather magtches me. Gloomy and sad. Even after how mean he was to me, I'm still concerned for him. I wonder how he is doing. I wonder how he is coping with the children being gone. To wake up Saturday morning to an empty home, no activities planned, and just alone. I can just imagine what he's feeling. I'm feeling the same. This is unbearable. I feel helpless and hopeless. (I instantly remember writing that same exact last sentence somewhere earlier in my thread.)

 

Something's got to give and something's got to change. I can't go through this again.

 

Life is so strange. One minute he was next to me encouraging me to have faith and hope and the next minute he is full of hatred for me and wants me out of his life. I don't think I'll ever understand it fully.

 

There isn't anything I can do. Hopefully in the next few weeks I can make a lot of progress with this new therapist. I am really suffering right now. And to think I haven't gotten past the hardest of times yet. This is just the beginning and I know I've got a long road ahead of me. I wish disconnecting from him was easy. I'

[Ms Darcy]

You said: >>Something's got to give and something's got to change. I can't go through this again.

 

What has to change is your mindset. you have to let this guy go. On and off relationships just don't work 99% of the time. You need to stop wanting to be the exception.

[Ksol9]

This is so horrible. I never thought at this point in my life I would be struggling like this in relationships. I'm sitting in this great little Thai place I love downtown. Im sitting alone. I don't mind..being alone that is. I have this nagging feeling underneath that I don't expect to go away anytime soon. I don't feel like anything was left unsaid or that I still have anything pending with him. It's just these remninents. I've been here before and I still don't know how to get through it. I feel terrible..just terrible.

 

I have so much time by myself. I'm all alone. I know its necessary right now. I need to make peace with myself and this loss I guess. I think much of the week I was in anxiety. It was masking the true feelings. I know he came home last night. He drove straight home after the airport and my anxiety left the moment I saw that he had made it home. But then came the overwhelming sadness. Today I'm in a pain that I can't describe. I imagine the next few weeks, months, who knows how long will be like this. I'm thinking of him non stop. I wonder what he is doing all by himself. I don't know if the weekend will be spent in solitude. It shouldn't matter what he is doing, it really shouldn't, but it does. When I think back over the course of these two years. How foolish I was. I'm still so very much in love with him. I miss him and the children. It's unbearable. He and I want different things. He doesn't want me in his life.

 

The last night I slept there. We laid facing eachother. I touched his feet with the tip of my toe. We were already so disconnected. He slept facing me all night. He didn't reach out of for me and neither did I. I don't know why I didn't love him like I was going to lose him. I took him for granted. I took for granted what I went through during the other breakups. I didn't know I'd run out of time. Now he's gone, just gone. I'm so in love with him and I just don't know how to make it go away. How do I destroy it?

 

I'll spend day after day passing time. What a way to start the new year. I'm slipping into depression. He is most likely submerging himself in this woman. Covering up all that he is feeling from the children moving. He's not thinking of me and missing me like I am him. He gave up on me.

 

I was thinking back to the first time he ended the relationship. I sent him messages, I cried, I let him know how I felt..nothing worked. He kept drifting away. Second time I left, I knew better than to make any communication with him. He would text every week or so with text messages asking irrelevant questions. Most times receiving no response from me. Then 3 weeks of compete silence. He was submerging himself in work. He spent time with the children and played video games all night. He said he was just waiting and looking for the right words to say but couldn't find them until he couldn't take it anymore. This time...oh this time..it's not the same. Children are gone and all we have is time. He's going to drift further away. I'm so afraid that I'm going to go through what I went through before. I can see it happening already. I'll be in this dark place indefinitely. I know he's not coming back. Everything we are facing is all so impossible.

 

I read his last text messages again. So much anger and hate. Why does he hate me? I don't even know how we got to this place. Why didn't one of us put this to a stop..intervene? It wasn't valuable enough to save I guess. He didn't stop me from leaving. I don't know what I've done so wrong in this life to deserve this pain.

 

I'm kicking and screaming inside. I don't know how to make sense of any of this right now.

[Ksol9]

I'm not thinking straight. My emotions are all over the place. I've come here to write instead of calling and texting him. It has crossed my mind that I just want to talk to him. I miss him. I miss the children. I'm in denial. He wants nothing to do with me. He doesn't want me apart of his life. He left me with those last words and there has been no indication he is rethinking his decision. We have been in nc since Wednesday. I shouldn't even be entertaining a single thought of contacting him. I'm angry with myself for feeling this way.

 

Every time I close my eyes I see his face. When I'm sleeping I'm dreaming about him. I can't get a break from him. I remember all these same things happening last time. Just torture...torture I tell you. I wish i never met him. It wasn't worth the trouble. I wish I could say I didn't want him back, but I'd be lying if I did. I want my life back. I keep looking back at his last text messages to remind myself that he doesn't want me in his life. That he wants to move on.

 

If he loved me, cared for me, missed me he would contact me. Hes living his life and I'm here struggling with reality. He didn't even wait 2 seconds before he contacted this same exact woman that he emailed in July. When I think of these things, I remember how sick and tired I am Of the cycle. This is the same pattern. It was what fueled my anger and resentment. When I saw that he added her and then deleted her after I pointed it out...he blatantly lied to me by saying he didn't know what I was talking about. Did he want me to think I was hallucinating?, I said to myself, that was it. I would give him a piece of my mind and then never speak to him again. Here I am fighting against that. I can't wait to see my therapist again on Tuesday. He gave me some tips on changing my mindset. We spoke a lot about what my thoughts attract. If I thought negatively, I would behave negatively, and ultimately attract negative. I'll regroup on Tuesday and tread through deep waters again until the following week.

 

I won't contact him. Each day of nc is very valuable. Contacting him would mean throwing away the days that I accomplished only to start over again. I know if I was to say anything I'd be met with silence or more anger. I know he is still very angry with me. My therapist suggested that I try short meditation everyday. He also spoke about my past relationships and forgiving anyone whoever hurt me in the past. I need to start thinking about forward not the past. I feel I have made peace with anyone who has hurt me in the past. At least I think I have. As for why I was the way I was with him, I just don't know. I think it was just as lost love said, I operated from a place of fear. I was totally very afraid of what was going to happen. That I'd lose him. He was disconnecting from me because of the way I was treating him. And because of the way I was treating him, he was treating me poorly. It truly was a terrible cycle.his refusal to communicate made things even worse. We were unable to put anything to rest. Everything just stayed there and festered. I pushed to communicate, he pulled away. It was horrible. I couldn't take it anymore and he finally blew his lid. It was bound to happen. Disasturous situation and I do see why it all happened now. It wasn't my fault alone. It was both of us. It doesn't matter who started what, who was right or wrong, neither one of us did the right thing. Neither one of us was the bigger person. I remember my mom warning me that one of us had to be the bigger person. One of us had to put it to a stop or else. I should know what type of person he is. I should know that when he is pushed he will write you off. He has done this before. Why didn't I take that seriously? I'm sure everyone will tell me there wasn't anything I could have done differently.

 

I will never win with him. He said I had demons that I needed to make peace with and he is absolutely right. He has his own as well. I am not responsible for him. I am responsibly for myself and im going to work damn hard on myself to clear my mind of the negative things that have been plaguing me. I think peace will come when I finally understand it all. That's when forgiveness will happen. At the moment things are still pretty confusing in my mind. It will come in time. I know it will therapy, my family, writing here, all those things will help me reach a place of understanding and forgiveness.