Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Got another couple text messages:

 

I asked you why did you take the house key you have not responded. You need to meet me this morning so I can give you the rest of your stuff and I need the key.

 

Listen I have things to do today I want to meet you as soon as possible this morning could you please text me back and let me know what time we can meet

 

I haven't responded. I haven't responded. I want to tell him I love him and to turn this around. I to tell him but I know he will reject me. I want to meet with my therapist today at 12 before responding. Maybe with fresh perspective from a professional I can respond differently. I don't think anything can save what is happening right now. Nothing I say or do will change anything. If this is what he truly wants, I don't want to see him and I no longer want communication with him. He can put my things in the garage and I'll get it later in the day.

 

I am assuming he is leaving town on Wednesday and that is why he is in a rush to get everything organized. He's so cold. I knew at any moment he would drop me like I am nothing. He has done this before. He was so very cold to me when he broke up with me in February. He hurt me the same exact way. It was like a light switch. He just wanted me gone and this is exactly what is happening once again.

 

After those text messages this morning, I am seeing this is truly what he wants. I don't have much of a choice. I have prepare myself for what is ahead of me with this grieving process once again. I need to do it quickly.

[Ksol9]

Another angry text. He's growing more and more angry with me. I can't find it in myself to respond. I don't want to speak or see him. He sent the following:

 

I can see you're about games so I'm going to take your stuff to your mom's and I'm going to let her know that you need to give me back my house key and the gate transmitter. Do not screw yourself and come into this apartment

 

I am not playing games and I'm not angry or up to anything. He doesn't want me in his life and I understand that. I'm just frozen. Frozen because of the way he is treating me. Like I did something so terrible to him. I can't bare this pain. I'm in so much pain. I don't want to talk to him until I sit with this therapist.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry to see this. I think his behavior is really disrespectful. But that's not the first time.

 

I noticed you said that if you could do it again, you would have read up on forgiveness etc. I am sad you think this way. I hope you can get to the point of realizing that if you could do it again, you would have trusted your feelings and stayed away for him for a long time if not forever.

 

I hope you, and Lostlove, can transition this year to moving on from these guys. A New Year, a new chance for you to find love within you.

 

And I am glad you are going to see a therapist.

[Ksol9]

Flooding the forum today. This place has always been a place for me to vent my emotions. I feel a lot of fear and anxiety at the moment..somewhat numb. Just watching this destruction..everything is blowing up in flames right before my eyes. He isn't showing an inch of compassion or love. Just cold hatred. He doesn't want me in his life.

 

There is nothing I could say to turn this around, so I'm just not going to respond. I can't find the words anyway. He's so angry. I don't know why. Why is he so angry with me? Why does he have so much hatred? I accept this for what it is. He wants nothing to do with me, so if this is what he wants, I'm ok with that. I can't live my life like this anymore. After 2 breakups, this should be the final time. Ready or not, I should just walk away. I don't even care if I get my clothing back. If he wants to take them and drop them off at my parents house, I'm going to let him do that on his own. Let him handle this how he wants. I'm not playing games and I'm not making anything difficult. Just not going to allow him anymore opportunities to hurt me. That's all he's doing. Feels like punishment and spite. He wants to show me he doesn't love me. He's done a good of job of that for a long time. I've felt that way for quite some time.

 

I should want more for myself. I should be strong. Meeting with the new therapist in a few moments. He is under the impression I'm meeting him for help with my relationship. I will have to tell him we broke up yesterday. I probably shouldn't even meet with him.

[Ms Darcy]

I suggest that this is the best time to meet with him. Perhaps to help you with some thoughts on your next steps.

[browneyedgirl36]

I suggest that this is the best time to meet with him. Perhaps to help you with some thoughts on your next steps.

 

I agree -- this is the BEST time you could meet with the therapist. It might help to clear your head and see some things that you're struggling to see because you're in the middle of all this.

 

Regarding your ex: I think it's a good idea to let him drop the stuff at your mom's. Is there a way you can give your mom the key to the apartment? I know you said you don't have the storage key, but if you have keys to the apartment itself, or the gate transmitter, can you get those to her to give back to him?

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. I can still see you, in some posts, blaming yourself for "sabotaging" your relationship, but from where I'm standing, he had already sabotaged it, and you were just reacting. I'm guessing, from the fact that you were scheduled to go to counseling alone, that he wasn't willing to/interested in going. (If I'm wrong about this, my apologies -- I can't remember for certain if you posted about this before). It takes TWO people to fix a relationship, and it seems as though he didn't think there was a need for him to fix anything -- that it was all you -- which is totally untrue. I hope you realize that.

 

I hope the therapy appointment helps. Keep talking here.

[lostlove76]

Hey ksol. I read your posts in the middle of the night when I was trying to fall asleep, but I couldn't type while lying down well enough to respond. I'm soooo sorry this is happening again Let me catch up on what's been written this morning and I'll reply....

[lostlove76]

Okay, so many thoughts floating around in my head. Let's see if I can put them here in any sort of organized way. First of all, BEG and Ms Darcy both make excellent points, and I think that what they're both saying is right on target. As I've said before, I have the same issues and challenges that you do, so I sometimes feel like I can't see things as clearly or wisely as they do, because I myself am so prone to all the same things you are - self-blame, resentment, putting up with far too much because I just want so badly for it to work, fear and anxiety, self-doubt, etc etc. But I'm going to try to be as objective as possible, because I can honestly see this from both sides (yours and his) if I put myself in each of your shoes.

 

What struck me most late last night as I was reading, is that you have indeed been shut down from him and punishing him in some ways, out of both resentment and self-protection, as was noted above. I know that when someone has betrayed my trust and I shut them out, it is almost IMPOSSIBLE for me to fully let them back in. I was able to with my last guy, over and over, but that was only because of the type of person he is and how he reacts - he would always be super sweet, apologize over and over and over, tell me how much he loved me, let me angrily vent to him for hours if I needed to, all while saying he understood and that I was right to be upset. THAT is why I was so easily able to forgive and let him back in so many times. He's the only one I've ever been able to do that with, and I've shut a lot of people out over the course of my life. Your guy is not giving you these same reactions. He tries to be patient and understanding, but eventually his patience wears thin... and has now broken. As I've said before, I honestly don't think you can help being how you've been. It's too ingrained in you, and he's not the type of person who is going to do what it takes to drag you out from behind your walls. I say it that way because I know how you feel, because I've been there - someone literally has to DRAG me out of all the resentment and hurt and anger and coldness that I've developed once those walls go up. You can try and try to change and react differently and forgive and move forward, but it just doesn't work because the walls are too thick. In the past when I've been in that position, my love quickly eroded even though I didn't want it to. Your love hasn't gone away - you still want him, but you can't open up and relax. This isn't your "fault"!! You really can't help it. You've really tried, by coming here and talking it out, and reading articles, and getting therapy. You've tried everything you know to do. But your defense mechanisms are automatic, and they're deep. So you "lash out" by not coming home, or giving the cold shoulder, or thinking of all the negatives. It's self-protection, and while maybe your actions aren't always warranted, your feelings are, given that he HAS some things to betray your trust. And at times, he doesn't seem to take seriously what he has done. He has an attitude of "okay, I know I messed up, and I'll try to fix it... but c'mon, we really need to get over this now and move forward, because there's a limit to how much I can do or take." And for you, that isn't enough to validate your hurt and feelings. As BEG said, maybe this is a compatibility issue. If you were less closed off, and/or if he were more placating like my guy was, maybe things would have been much improved. But you are who you are, and he is who he is, and it's not allowing for moving forward.

 

I just want to say, too, that I would probably be acting like him if I were in his shoes, as well. I can identify with a few of his traits, such as defensiveness and low patience. He probably feels like he's doing all he can, and it's not working because he's getting so much resentment in return. So he's getting angry and throwing up his hands and saying "screw it, I'm done." That's how he's feeling at the moment. That's why he's acting so cold. I will say that an ex did that to me years ago, and after panicking for a minute, I took a friend's advice and said okay, you're right, let's be done. And within a week, he was trying everything he could to get me back. Your guy is very stubborn, though, so I can't see this working with him.

 

Im sorry for being so long-winded, but I'm detailing all of this because I want you to see that despite your wanting to make it work, it might just not be possible. I know that's not what you want to hear, and I hate even saying it But you've both tried, in your own ways, and things just haven't been working. You've still been full of fear and worry and anxiety and resentment ever since you got back together, almost all of the time. I don't see an easy fix for this. I feel if you get back together, things will quickly revert right back to how they've been.

 

I feel so bad saying that, because I know you need hope and comfort right now. You truly do have my empathy!!! I know how much you wanted this to work. But maybe there is more peace to be found in realizing all the reasons why it hasn't worked out. Like BEG said, it would take some fundamental changes on one or both your parts for anything to improve, and that doesn't happen overnight.

 

He ABSOLUTELY did something wrong in contacting those other women, and if that's the type of person he is, then you don't need to live with that for the rest of your life. Your mental and emotional sanity is too important. That's why I had to cut mine off, even though losing him was the last thing in the world that I wanted. And it's been extremely painful, as you know. And I know it will be for you, too. But you deserve better than having to worry every single day about what he's done or is going to do. With the right person, you may worry a little because it's what you do - but not to this extent. The right person will bring calm and peace into your life, not emotional turmoil. I've had to tell myself this as well.

 

Did you go to the therapy appointment? What was his opinion??

[Ksol9]

Thankfully I went to see the new therapist. He was great. When I initially contacted him, I told him I was coming to get help with my relationship. I need help with forgiveness and communication. He had no idea what had happened yesterday. He showed me a video that just left an imprint on me. It helped me tremendously. The one line in the video that stuck with me was...when someone wants to leave...you let them go. If they don't want to be in your life..let them go. It won't be long before they realize what they are losing and by that time it will be too late.

 

While I was in the therapist's office, I received another text from him. It read...real classy. What was that supposed to mean? I don't have the slightest clue. I've yet to figure out why he's so angry. Anyhow, I wanted to see the therapist first before responding to him. It definitely influenced the way I felt after that. I hope to God it's not short lived. I responded as I got home. I said the following:

 

Why are you so angry and full of spite? You have so much hatred for me. I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't have a problem with the decision you've made and I'm not playing games...been down this same road with you before. I take things for what they are..nothing less, nothing more. I love you and I don't want to lose this relationship, but this is what you want so I'll do what I have to do. You can leave my things in the garage or take them to my mom's. I don't want to see you. Also, I don't have a house key. The only thing I've ever used to get in the house is the code.

 

No response and I'm pretty sure I won't receive one. I'm pretty sure he is leaving town tomorrow with the children. I'll go over there to get my things. After the "real classy" text, I realized something....he wanted confrontation. What did he need to meet me for? He wanted to see me hurt and angry. He wanted me to give him further reason to say he is making the right decision? I do not expect for him to respond to that messafe and I can bet he won't bring my things to my moms house. That was all said to provoke me. He knows he is absolutely disrespectful. When he gets back from Orlando, my things will be gone and he will never have to deal with me ever again.

 

Lostlove, I'm so glad to hear from you. I'll be back in a few to post more. I need to eat. Haven't eaten anything since breakfast yesterday.

[lostlove76]

Hugs, ksol. I know this is going be a difficult time, but I'm glad you are feeling some strength right now. Embrace that strength, and hang on to it! I totally agree with "when someone wants to leave...you let them go. If they don't want to be in your life..let them go. It won't be long before they realize what they are losing and by that time it will be too late." Write that down and keep it with you to get through the low moments.

 

I bet you are right that he wanted a confrontation. He was pressing for some reaction. I've definitely done that before when I was angry. The less reaction I received, the more I pushed for one. I wouldn't even concern yourself with his texts at the moment. He could also have been trying to have the "last word," as I have also done many times myself. That's about him, not you, so please don't let it affect you. Keep your eye on the bigger picture here. Your response was perfect, so just leave it at that and give yourself time to process everything.

[Ksol9]

I don't want to be sitting here all alone. As many times as I've been through this grieving and break up process, I still cant prepare myself. I don't know what is going to happen from this point. I never received a response since that last message. He may text me tomorrow when they are leaving, I don't know. He may not text me at all. He doesn't want me going in the house. If he doesn't contact me, I can leave my belongings or I can ask a police officer to escort me while I remove my belongings. Honestly, I'm so upset I feel like saying to hell with it all. I just want to move on. I don't need anything.

 

He's just so angry and I can't understand why. Lostlove, I understand what you are saying. I too thought about it from his point of view. If i was getting that attitude from him and he wasn't coming home until the evening when I know he is free during the day, I'd flip my lid and show him how disrespectful he is by doing exactly what he did..sent me packing. But my thing is...it would have never gotten to that point had he not dismissed me and treated me the way he did. As you said, you guy let you vent and talk until you felt better. I would have appreciated that. I wanted to feel heard and loved. Instead I felt ignored and rushed. My guy doesn't have the capability. He felt I was being selfish because it wasn't the appropriate time. The children are moving and I wasn't allowing everyone to enjoy their time together. I was being a black cloud. I know I was and that is why I feel so guilty. I just couldn't find a better way to let it go. I felt it was best to stay out of his way and part of it was to punish him. He obviously didn't take that lightly and has been angry with me since. He reached his limit and felt that neither one of us would change nor would things get better. I understand.

 

I went for help today and I'm so optimistic about it. I'm regretful that I didn't go for it sooner. I really didn't realize I was acting out on the anger and resentment I had inside. I'm just feeling more and more terrible as I type. My family is involved. Look at this mess. The children are leaving. This whole thing shouldn't be happening right now. It's over something so silly.

 

I don't know what will happen. My initial reaction to him was to cry and ask why he was doing this to me. He saw me sobbing in the room. I didn't respond to any messages until this afternoon when I was driving home. I spoke from the heart and i spoke with acceptance of the entire situation. I wanted him to know that I love him because I was very cold and distant the past few days. I wanted him to know I accept the decision he made and that's that. There is nothing I can do to change this. I may never hear from him again or I may hear from him in a week, I don't know. I'm just so hurt that I won't be able to say goodbye to the children and I'm very hurt that he is being so cold and treating me as though I am no one. If he were to call now to turn this around, I'd go in a heartbeat, but I know that is impossible. I do believe this time is different. I don't see him contacting me later down the road and I don't see us mending things. It's just too much damage and repetitive mistakes. We have not done the work that we each need to do for eachother and for the relationship.

 

As I type I'm remembering how he kept telling me to let this go until the children leave, that we had forever to focus on our relationship and get it to where it should be. I should have listened. I really made a mess. He got fed up.

 

There is nothing more I can do. He isn't willing to listen and is too angry with me. I'm sure he will be this way for a long time. I don't see myself wanting to go back after a month or so and I think even then he may not want to try again. I just think this is over. I think I need to accept this for what it is. It was a relationship where we both tried but we just couldn't get it right.

 

I really need support. I'm feeling so terrible. Thank you all for everything.

[Ksol9]

Sorry to see this. I think his behavior is really disrespectful. But that's not the first time.

 

I noticed you said that if you could do it again, you would have read up on forgiveness etc. I am sad you think this way. I hope you can get to the point of realizing that if you could do it again, you would have trusted your feelings and stayed away for him for a long time if not forever.

 

I hope you, and Lostlove, can transition this year to moving on from these guys. A New Year, a new chance for you to find love within you.

 

And I am glad you are going to see a therapist.

 

I think you are right ms Darcy. I think you've always been right. I need to learn how to trust my instincts and have confidence in myself.

[Ksol9]

Hugs, ksol. I know this is going be a difficult time, but I'm glad you are feeling some strength right now. Embrace that strength, and hang on to it! I totally agree with "when someone wants to leave...you let them go. If they don't want to be in your life..let them go. It won't be long before they realize what they are losing and by that time it will be too late." Write that down and keep it with you to get through the low moments.

 

I bet you are right that he wanted a confrontation. He was pressing for some reaction. I've definitely done that before when I was angry. The less reaction I received, the more I pushed for one. I wouldn't even concern yourself with his texts at the moment. He could also have been trying to have the "last word," as I have also done many times myself. That's about him, not you, so please don't let it affect you. Keep your eye on the bigger picture here. Your response was perfect, so just leave it at that and give yourself time to process everything.

 

I'm not prepared for this. The back and forth with emotions. I'm just so broken about it all. This has to be one of the worst things to have to go through. Nothing can help.

 

All I'm thinking about is how he kept saying I was being selfish. That the children were moving so far away and I was behaving his way. I'm feeling so guilty about that. I'm not a bad person yet I gave him such a hard time. I guess he has a reason to be angry and behave this way with me.

 

He wants to leave and he wants me out of his life...I have to let him go. I'll try to remind myself of this anytime I'm feeling low. I just wish he would turn this thing around. I feel like I am nothing to him and he just left me behind. This is such a terrible feeling. They may have already left town and that is why I didn't get a response from him. As you said, he may have been wanting confrontation or was just angry and was pressing for a reaction. He didn't get what he expected that's for sure. Either way, I know he will never change, listen, or turn this around as long a he is angry. That me was an indication that there is no turning back from this. I should not be in denial about it. As much as I'm hoping and praying he will turn this around, I know it isn't likely. The children will be fine. I just have to accept that I didn't get to say a goodbye and I wasn't there with them as a family. He treated me as though I was expendable and I should use that as strength to leave things as they are.

 

My therapist told me that me not responding to all those text messages was an indication of strength. I would not normally handle things that way. Normally I would respond and entertain him immediately. I didn't even let what he said anger me. I was just frozen. I sent the message because I knew I had to give him some direction on my belongings. I may not get a response ever but if he does respond with anger and insisting that I not enter the home, I think I will just forget about all the clothes and shoes. Im so hurt. I just want to be able to sleep. Sleep until this nightmare is over.

[lostlove76]

I don't want to be sitting here all alone. As many times as I've been through this grieving and break up process, I still cant prepare myself. I don't know what is going to happen from this point. I never received a response since that last message. He may text me tomorrow when they are leaving, I don't know. He may not text me at all. He doesn't want me going in the house. If he doesn't contact me, I can leave my belongings or I can ask a police officer to escort me while I remove my belongings. Honestly, I'm so upset I feel like saying to hell with it all. I just want to move on. I don't need anything.

 

He's just so angry and I can't understand why. Lostlove, I understand what you are saying. I too thought about it from his point of view. If i was getting that attitude from him and he wasn't coming home until the evening when I know he is free during the day, I'd flip my lid and show him how disrespectful he is by doing exactly what he did..sent me packing. But my thing is...it would have never gotten to that point had he not dismissed me and treated me the way he did. As you said, you guy let you vent and talk until you felt better. I would have appreciated that. I wanted to feel heard and loved. Instead I felt ignored and rushed. My guy doesn't have the capability. He felt I was being selfish because it wasn't the appropriate time. The children are moving and I wasn't allowing everyone to enjoy their time together. I was being a black cloud. I know I was and that is why I feel so guilty. I just couldn't find a better way to let it go. I felt it was best to stay out of his way and part of it was to punish him. He obviously didn't take that lightly and has been angry with me since. He reached his limit and felt that neither one of us would change nor would things get better. I understand.

 

I went for help today and I'm so optimistic about it. I'm regretful that I didn't go for it sooner. I really didn't realize I was acting out on the anger and resentment I had inside. I'm just feeling more and more terrible as I type. My family is involved. Look at this mess. The children are leaving. This whole thing shouldn't be happening right now. It's over something so silly.

 

I don't know what will happen. My initial reaction to him was to cry and ask why he was doing this to me. He saw me sobbing in the room. I didn't respond to any messages until this afternoon when I was driving home. I spoke from the heart and i spoke with acceptance of the entire situation. I wanted him to know that I love him because I was very cold and distant the past few days. I wanted him to know I accept the decision he made and that's that. There is nothing I can do to change this. I may never hear from him again or I may hear from him in a week, I don't know. I'm just so hurt that I won't be able to say goodbye to the children and I'm very hurt that he is being so cold and treating me as though I am no one. If he were to call now to turn this around, I'd go in a heartbeat, but I know that is impossible. I do believe this time is different. I don't see him contacting me later down the road and I don't see us mending things. It's just too much damage and repetitive mistakes. We have not done the work that we each need to do for eachother and for the relationship.

 

As I type I'm remembering how he kept telling me to let this go until the children leave, that we had forever to focus on our relationship and get it to where it should be. I should have listened. I really made a mess. He got fed up.

 

There is nothing more I can do. He isn't willing to listen and is too angry with me. I'm sure he will be this way for a long time. I don't see myself wanting to go back after a month or so and I think even then he may not want to try again. I just think this is over. I think I need to accept this for what it is. It was a relationship where we both tried but we just couldn't get it right.

 

I really need support. I'm feeling so terrible. Thank you all for everything.

 

I hope you don't think I was blaming you, because that isn't what I was trying to do at all. I hope everything I said came out right! But just to be clear, what I was getting at is that while I can see things from his point of view (which is important for you to do, I think, because placing 100% blame on either one of you is just going to cause more guilt or resentment depending which way you lean, and ultimately lead to more pain), you really couldn't help the way you were reacting. If you could have helped it and done differently, you would have, because you wanted this to work. But you were reacting automatically in relation to several different things - your own issues and fundamental ways of being, resentment towards what he's done in the past, and the ways he was being towards you. If that makes sense. I'm trying to say that you really couldn't have done anything differently, so there is no use in feeling guilty or beating yourself up over it. You couldn't have waited til the kids left to address the issues in the relationship, because you weren't feeling any sense of calm on the inside; and whatever is on the inside is going to come out, sooner than later. YOU COULDN'T HAVE CHANGED THE COURSE OF THIS THING, without changing what you were feeling on the inside. And that is not a quick fix.. changing the inside.

 

You said: "This whole thing shouldn't be happening right now. It's over something so silly." But that's not the case. This didn't happen because of one moment in time, or even a couple of months in time. It happened because he did A, then you did B, then he reacted with C, so you kept reacting with D - all of which started a long time ago.

 

If you could have made a choice to forgive him and move forward with no resentment, I know that you would have done so, because you've said many times that you needed and wanted to. Would it have improved the relationship? No one knows. In theory it would have, but what if he just took advantage of it and did things behind your back? We can't say that the outcome would have been any better than this one. Maybe it would have, or maybe not. But we can't focus on that, because what has occurred was all that COULD have occurred without some deep changes within one or both of you.

 

I just hope you can see that you shouldn't blame yourself here. I know that you're going to feel guilty, and it's human nature to feel that way. But don't beat yourself up over it, because he is not at all blameless here himself. And some of this is just incompatibilities in meeting each other's needs.

 

I don't want to see you go through another couple of months like you went through during the last two breakups. It's a hell that you don't deserve And I certainly don't want to see you have to go through this again and again a few times a year for the remainder of this relationship, however long it may last in the end. These on/off relationships are emotional torture. I was thinking about that recently - about how I STILL wish so much that mine would just get in touch, but how I CAN'T go through the on/off, up/down, hot/cold, together/NC anymore. I CAN'T, and you shouldn't either. It will kill you inside. A relationship should be sustainable. Sure there will be spats and challenges, but breaking up and not talking for several weeks or months every time something blows up is just NOT OKAY.

 

I'm SO sorry that his has happened again, and I truly know exactly how you feel. I wish I could say something to lessen the pain, but I know from experience that it's just something you're going to feel regardless. My only suggestion would be to give serious thought to whether being with him is worth it, and see if you're able to walk away knowing you did all you were able to do, and it wasn't at all a healthy situation.

 

((more hugs))

[lostlove76]

I'm not prepared for this. The back and forth with emotions. I'm just so broken about it all. This has to be one of the worst things to have to go through. Nothing can help.

 

All I'm thinking about is how he kept saying I was being selfish. That the children were moving so far away and I was behaving his way. I'm feeling so guilty about that. I'm not a bad person yet I gave him such a hard time. I guess he has a reason to be angry and behave this way with me.

 

He wants to leave and he wants me out of his life...I have to let him go. I'll try to remind myself of this anytime I'm feeling low. I just wish he would turn this thing around. I feel like I am nothing to him and he just left me behind. This is such a terrible feeling. They may have already left town and that is why I didn't get a response from him. As you said, he may have been wanting confrontation or was just angry and was pressing for a reaction. He didn't get what he expected that's for sure. Either way, I know he will never change, listen, or turn this around as long a he is angry. That me was an indication that there is no turning back from this. I should not be in denial about it. As much as I'm hoping and praying he will turn this around, I know it isn't likely. The children will be fine. I just have to accept that I didn't get to say a goodbye and I wasn't there with them as a family. He treated me as though I was expendable and I should use that as strength to leave things as they are.

 

My therapist told me that me not responding to all those text messages was an indication of strength. I would not normally handle things that way. Normally I would respond and entertain him immediately. I didn't even let what he said anger me. I was just frozen. I sent the message because I knew I had to give him some direction on my belongings. I may not get a response ever but if he does respond with anger and insisting that I not enter the home, I think I will just forget about all the clothes and shoes. Im so hurt. I just want to be able to sleep. Sleep until this nightmare is over.

 

You can worry about your belongings later. If you're willing to potentionally let them go for the sake of peace, then that's the best way to look at it. They're just things. I know that the implications of when and how to get them back seem far greater than that, but don't let it be. Just try to process the rest of it for now, and deal with that later.

 

I feel like you need to take some different direction with this than during the last two breakups, because like I said in my last post, you can't go through that again. You just can't!! Something has to be different, whatever it is. We know exactly how the last times played out - there was a bit of texting in the beginning, and then complete radio silence for the next however long, during which you felt every single day that he must not care or else he would be trying to fix it. You now have two previous experiences as evidence that he WAS thinking about you during those times, and wasn't happy being apart - so, use that knowledge to soothe yourself this time, at least.

 

So what are your options?

1) Let it play out like the last times, which I can already see happening, but which I soooooo don't want you to have to go through yet again Neither one of you will say anything, and you'll be waiting for that text to come in and torturing yourself with thoughts of him not caring every single day (like I've done since the end of mine),

2) Say something to him soon and tell him you can't do that again, and either you two fix this now and communicate about it and discuss going to couples counseling to fix things, or you have to be done for good, or

3) Actually BE done for good, with the knowledge that you really tried, and things didn't work out. Try to find peace in that, and try to grieve without the option of starting over yet again.

 

I know that this is all easier said than done, and you're going to feel however you're going to feel, and nothing is going to help that. Just be kind to yourself and truly give some thought about whether this relationship is in your best interest. It will take time to process, and there will be a lot of back and forth emotions. We've both been through it, so we know what to expect. I'm just so sorry I know the pain you feel

[Ksol9]

Lostlove, you're excellent at putting my situation into perspective. I don't understand how you relate to me so well. I thank you for taking the time to read and respond. You have always been there for me since I started coming here to the forum and you continue to help me in immeasurable ways.

 

You can worry about your belongings later. If you're willing to potentially let them go for the sake of peace, then that's the best way to look at it. They're just things. I know that the implications of when and how to get them back seem far greater than that, but don't let it be. Just try to process the rest of it for now, and deal with that later.

 

I think you're absolutely right about this. I shouldn't worry about my belongings at this point. I need to process what has happened and realize this IS happening again and this time it looks like the final time. I will know tomorrow if they left or not. I think he left today, if not tomorrow. Then I can decide what I'm going to do about my clothes. It is just material and I can replace it if it's creating too much of a problem to work out with him. I think after those texts from him today, he won't be sending me any further messages. I don't expect a response from my text and I will just have to do what I need to do regarding my belongings.

 

I feel like you need to take some different direction with this than during the last two breakups, because like I said in my last post, you can't go through that again. You just can't!! Something has to be different, whatever it is. We know exactly how the last times played out - there was a bit of texting in the beginning, and then complete radio silence for the next however long, during which you felt every single day that he must not care or else he would be trying to fix it. You now have two previous experiences as evidence that he WAS thinking about you during those times, and wasn't happy being apart - so, use that knowledge to soothe yourself this time, at least.

 

Again, I am thinking right along with you. This is the third time we went through a break up. The first was his decision and the second was mine. Both times, things played out exactly the same. We both could not stop thinking about eachother and we missed eachother. I thought that he wanted nothing to do with me and that he didn't care. The only difference now is that the children will no longer be there. With a new lifestyle and alot of extra freedom, he may not miss me at all. I am not looking to go through another 1-2months without contact again anyway. I definitely need to take a different direction with this. I just dont know what. I am glad to have started therapy. This will give me something to look forward to and directed work I can begin to do on myself, but other than that, I feel like I will be sitting and waiting like I did last time. I do feel somewhat better prepared this time. I have been through this twice now. I know he will not easily forget about me, he may even miss me, but that doesn't mean we will reconnect this time after a period of no contact. We both made it clear this time, when I went back, that this would be the last time we torture eachother with no contact. I made it clear that I would put in whatever effort I needed to in order to move on with my life. This on and off again nonsense is no way to live. If he understands this just as I do, things will not go as they did any of the previous times. Either one of us will put a stop to this before it gets to that point or we will just both move on with our lives. The latter is most likely. I sent him a message letting him know that I didn't want to lose the relationship and that I loved him. I received no response. That to me states his feelings haven't changed and there is nothing more I can do. I just remembered my therapist telling me today that in his state of anger at the moment...he can not hear me. He is not going to be able to hear anything I say.

 

So what are your options?

1) Let it play out like the last times, which I can already see happening, but which I soooooo don't want you to have to go through yet again Neither one of you will say anything, and you'll be waiting for that text to come in and torturing yourself with thoughts of him not caring every single day (like I've done since the end of mine),

2) Say something to him soon and tell him you can't do that again, and either you two fix this now and communicate about it and discuss going to couples counseling to fix things, or you have to be done for good, or

3) Actually BE done for good, with the knowledge that you really tried, and things didn't work out. Try to find peace in that, and try to grieve without the option of starting over yet again.

 

My options?

1. Playing out like last time. I don't want to go through this again. I am kicking and screaming inside just thinking about. Week after week of sheer torture. I too see this happening again if I don't really sit down and think about what I want my future to look like.

2. I thought about this....saying something to him just to put a stop to it all. He isn't going to respond. If I am straightforward and contact him saying that I didn't want to go through the same process, that either fix this now and communicate or be done for good, I will be met with silence. He has already said all that he had to say. There's no sense in revisiting that. He has made his decision. I let him know how I feel and I have to leave it at that.

3. Be done for good.....I am not done for good in my heart. I don't think I'll ever be able to say that for sure. I still love him and I still have hope.

 

I am still hoping and praying he will turn this around. I have a feeling they have already left town, but I am just hoping he'll turn this around or ....what am I saying, he's done. I like that you listed my options. They are realistic and it helped me to see them objectively seeing them in writing on the screen. Option 1 is what I think is going to happen. Honestly speaking, I don't think there is anything more I can say and I know he isn't going to respond to my text. I think things will be left where they are now. It is all easier said than done. There is nothing I can do but to go through the motions and hope that I figure it all out along the way. I do hope that this time, if there is still hope for our relationship, one of us will find a way to stop this before it carries on too long.

 

I don't know...I think I'm in denial. One of his text messages earlier in the day yesterday said that he and both knew things were not going to work and that our relationship was not going anywhere. I think he realizes that we both tried and that it just isnt going to get better. He directly said, that we both knew this was for the best. Come to think about it.....those exact lines were used during the first breakup. Him and I have just been spinning in circles for a long time and maybe this is for the best. I need to focus on myself. I don't have access to his facebook as we are no longer friends there and I will make it a point not to pay attention to his passing truck if he drives past my job. So many emotions right now. I'm missing him, the children, I sad...I feel so sad that he just left me. The children will be moving and he just left me. I have to deal with both losses on my own. God help me.

 

And you are correct, this is emotional torture. This constant back and forth....I'm getting too old for this. Every 3 months we split for 2. I can't do it anymore. I want out of this cycle.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you

 

I agree that he won't hear anything you say while he's angry, and that you would be met with silence, if not some cold response. When I'm angry, I sometimes feel no feelings towards the person. Even my parents, who I love dearly. There is usually nothing the person can say that makes any difference until my anger subsides - and I stubbornly hold onto that anger for longer than I should. BUT, what usually happens is that at some point, the anger vanishes and the feelings come flooding back, and I feel horrible for how I have acted. This may happen with him. Give it a little time and see (days, not weeks or months).

 

You did tell him that you want the relationship and that you love him, which is good. So he knows that, at least, and you don't have to wonder if he knows where you stand.

 

These on/off relationships are HORRIBLE. They are so unhealthy. Perhaps there are people who can come and go in each other's lives without experiencing much emotional trauma in between, but you and I are not that way. Being apart and in NC with someone you love periodically is just, well, AWFUL. I experienced this every time me and mine broke up. And what it does is it creates a pattern of always "waiting" to come back together and the next round to start, because you've been conditioned that this is what will happen. Which makes letting go and moving on damn near impossible. Maybe one time, you could look at it as being apart was necessary for one or both to realize how much they value the relationship, but that shouldn't be needed beyond one time. This is the third time. Breaking up should also not be used in place of conflict resolution. If someone does break up out of frustration, it should be quickly fixed within a few days or a week, not weeks or months.

 

I'm torn between wanting this to be fixed ASAP, and feeling like it needs to be over. I know you want it to be fixed, and if it happens, I will be happy for you and fully supportive. But if it stretches into the same thing that happened during the last two breakups, my wish for you would be that you could move on for good, and with peace. Because this is just SO torturous for you, and you can't keep going through this every few months. I guess I'm starting to repeat myself, sorry... I just feel sooooooo very strongly that you can't have a repeat of last time, and you said you feel that way as well.

 

Ugh, it is just so hard to scroll up and review what I've written on the phone, so I do apologize when I repeat myself.

 

I wish I knew how to suggest fixing this. I know you want it fixed. You're not ready to move on from him, even if logically we know that this is unhealthy and full of obstacles. I'm glad you've started therapy again - perfect timing, really! It is there for you now while you need it most.

 

Part of me wonders if you wait a week or so for him to cool off and then approach him with softness, if he would soften. It's a huge risk, because you very well might get rejected. But what would there be to lose at this point, other than pride? If you wait for him to reach out when he's ready, you may very well be waiting for two months again. Maybe that approach - you reaching out fairly soon - is worth some thought. Not right now. Let him go on his trip and cool off. When the kids leave, he's going to be feeling lonely. This may or may not work in your favor. But maybe it's worth a shot. Love is about risk, right? However, if you do that, you have to be prepared for either 1) rejection, or 2) getting back together and finding some way of making this work, whatever that may be. Things can't keep on as they were, for either of you.

 

This is fresh, so just let your feelings unfold a bit and see what happens. If there is zero contact beyond say a week or two, I would just very seriously question if this is what you want your future to look like, as you said above.

 

If I think of anything else, I'll write some more. I'll probably be up for another hour or two. I hope you're getting some sleep right now. Big hugs

[Ksol9]

Lostlove I hope you see this. I want to tell you about something that just happened. Going to post this and then write about

It.

[lostlove76]

Hey ksol, I'm here. Maybe for the next half hour - I'm up too late, but awake, so if you post soon I'll see it!

[Ksol9]

I fell asleep early tonight. I woke up a few hours ago and decided to sign on Facebook. Him and I are not friends anymore so I can't see on his page, but I can see who his friends are. Most of his posts are public anyway. Anyhow, I saw him and the woman he emailed are now friends. He didn't wait long did he?? I also saw he posted a photo of his feet on a sidewalk. I don't know what the purpose of that was. Maybe just showing off his shoes. It was about 1 am at the time and I noticed the brick pavement did not look anything like where we live. I knew instantly he was not home.

 

I got out of bed immediately. I went over there. I tried to open the garage with the code because I had sent him that text asking to put all my things in the garage. Garage code was changed. I couldn't get in. I went to the front door. I knocked. No one answered. I pinched in the security code to open the front door and it worked! I opened the door. Said hello a few times and then I turned on the lights. No one was there. I know my legal rights. I had called the police station about something like this in a previous relationship. If I live there and get mail there, legsllly I can go in To get my things. I didn't touch anything else. I could have had an officer wait for me outside but I just decided to get everything out and go. So

That's what I did. He put everything back in my closet. He didn't hang the rest of my clothes I had taken down. He didn't touch anything. Just left it as I left it. He didn't have intentions of taking it to my moms house. He just wanted confrontation and he wanted me to come there to get it.

 

I sent him a few text messages letting him know I saw they are now friends on Facebook. I did that purposefully. I want him to know I know what he is doing. I also told him that there were so many times we split up and he walked right back into my life and that this would be the last. I am just so disgusted.

 

The children are flying out of a city 4 hours away. I know he is there now and no where close to home. Their flight is at 7:30pm on Friday. I know on his way back he will most likely stop in her city to see her or maybe she will come home with him. That is the main reason he was so aggressive about me getting my things out before he left. I know he will sleep with this woman this weekend. You know...I came backto the relationship because I felt that the email incident could be overlooked. He was mad, we were fighting...maybe he didn't sleep with her...maybe he didn't. This time...maybe he knows there is no coming back. Maybe he has made up his mind and in his heart..he is done with me and he knows he will never try to come back. This time, I know I could not go back to him. Because I know he is going to sleep with her. I couldn't be with him knowing that. Not this time.

 

I don't know if I'm overreacting because I saw they are now facebookmf fiends. But I am not stupid. The children fly out Friday night. On his way back he will see her. He may not even come back home that night. Some may not agree with me keeping up with this, but I have to. It will give me strength to move on. He does not care about me. In fact, he is not thinking of me. He wants nothing to do with me and wanted me gone. That is what he will get. He will not have to worry about me ever again. That cycle has to be broken. I want to move on with my life. I know I will not hear from him. He will not respond to those messages I just sent. He put me through enough.

 

Again, many will not agree with this, but I need to know and I need to see for myself in order for me to move on. It will also help me in the future should he decide to contact me in a month or 2 from now. I am going to go by the house on Friday in the early morning hours. If he is not home, then I know he went to see her and did not come home. He is a single man. He ended this relationship..he can do what he wants, but he is not going to fool me any longer. I am going to take notes and keep those notes with me until I rid myself of every last ounce of love I have for that man.

 

I may be overreacting from what I saw on Facebook but I know he is going to sleep with her. I don't want this type of man in my life anymore and I'm going to do what I can to stay away. The only way I will change my tune is if he stops this and turns this whole thing around before it's too late. Is that going to happen?? Not in this lifetime!

[Ksol9]

I didn't read your last post in it's entirety yet. I stopped to post this as soon as it read the part where you said this should be fixed quickly or be over for good. It should not continue in the same patter as the times before. he is angry and days may pass and he will still be angry. My wish is the same as yours. If this is not fixed within a few days or even a week, I am going to do what I can to move on with my life. I have to. As it stands right now, I know he is planning on seeing this woman and will most likely sleep with her. If I don't hear from him by Friday with a different tone, then I know this is over.

I sent a few text messages giving him a piece of mind. He knows I am angry so now he will probably just continue with what he is doing knowing there is no hope. He knows how I feel about him. He is an adult and he is intelligent, despite his foolish mistakes. If he truly wants to save this relationship, if there is a little voice inside saying he still has love

For me...he will do the right thing. That is totally up to him.

 

I don't see any of that happening. As history will prove..he takes weeks and months to come to his senses. This time he may not say anything to me at all. I am almos certain I will not hear from him and this thing is over for good this time. I know myself.

 

Will respond to your post in the morning. Thank you for being there for me.

[lostlove76]

Hmmmm, trying to process this. This is EXACTLY what mine did when I/we ended things... well, pretty much. He immediately added back on fb the girlfriend that he had had briefly right after he moved and before he contacted me and we started long-distance again. And then he added the trashy married woman within a day or two after that, and unfortunately enough, you know where the story went from there.

 

But this is what I think mine was doing, and what I think yours is doing... He doesn't want to feel the loss. So he's reached out to someone easy in order to avoid any void he may feel. This is what commitment-phobes and those with avoidant attachment do! I've read enough about it to know. He reached out to her because he anticipates feeling a loss, and he doesn't want to feel it. It's NOT because he doesn't care - quite the opposite - even though that's of course what you are thinking right now. He has ISSUES. "Normal" people don't jump from one person immediately onto the next. They allow themselves to process. There were a couple significant guys I dated in the past who I lost feelings for, and when I finally ended it, I just wanted to be alone and have my space for awhile. The only time I've attempted to jump directly to someone else was to avoid hurt because I still cared. So please don't take this as him not caring.

 

HOWEVER... that being said, it is a SH1TTYY thing for him to do!!! Very hurtful to you. It killed me when mine did that. Again, "normal" (i.e. healthy, good-hearted, capable of commitment people) don't jump to the next so quickly. This speaks poorly of his character. Let that give you strength!! You are morally better than him, IMHO. You deserve better.

 

What did you say in your texts??

 

Please don't feel you need to justify having done anything you did. Zero judgement here! I've obviously done similar.

 

So in summary, my opinion is:

1) This DOES NOT mean he doesn't care. He's avoiding any hurt by filling the void. And if there is a void to be filled, it's because he DOES care

2) It still makes him an assh0le, regardless if he cares. If he can't take two seconds to process before trying to find something easy, then he has major issues - avoidant attachment, commitment-phobia, whatever deep issues he has. LET THIS GIVE YOU STRENGTH, like you're seeming to have in your last post.

 

These guys with these type of issues HURT us, and it's NOT okay. They have some type of issue that makes them always keep a backup, and we deserve better than that. You and I didn't jump to someone else immediately, because we have the strength and insight to process and grieve what we loved rather than avoiding it altogether with an easy lay or whatever the case may be. Admittedly, there were a few times I tried to find someone else to replace him so as not to feel the hurt so much, but I quickly discovered it wouldn't work.

 

I've had a few beers, which is why I'm up so late, so I hope I'm clearly making my points. Just see this as a weakness in him, and let it give you strength. I promise that it isn't because he doesn't care. But he's still doing what he's doing, and if he does get with her, BE DONE. No excuses. Not okay.

[lostlove76]

And btw, isn't this the married woman that you're talking about, that he contacted? Forgive me if I have the facts mixed up. "Normal" people do not pursue married people. And to reiterate, when I say normal, I mean emotionally healthy, good people who are seeking true love and commitment. People with values and morals. I cannot fathom going after someone else's significant other in any capacity. He is not serious about this woman. She is a void-filler, nothing more. If he just no longer cared about you, he would be focusing on the kids, and otherwise taking his space. There would be no NEED to immediately find someone else. And if this is the married woman that I'm thinking of, it's only because she's easy and similarly has no morals and he doesn't have to offer or commit to anything. She's there and she's easy. You are SOOOO much better than that!!!!!!

[Ksol9]

I'm flooding my thread with posts. Sorry for anyone trying to keep up. All this reading. I just need to vent. I can't sleep and I'm just losing my mind.

 

Lostlove, you said something about him being lonely after the children leave. This is true, but I don't think he is worrrying about that right now. I think he is going through a lot at the moment. He is losing his children in a sense. They will be living across the country with their mom and he won't be able to see them frequently. He is going to come home to an empty home. I think he is following the same pattern. We have a fight. Rather than fix it with me..communicate with me, he runs by reaching out to another woman. This time, there are no children or other restrictions holding him back. He is free as a bird. He will see her on his way back from the airport. He may even sleep with her.

 

The loneliness and reality of his children gone and the loss of this relationship will not settle for a long time. He can do whatever he wants. He is not obligated to me, but because of the pattern and cycle we have been living in, I am inclined to think that he will try to contact me again after some time goes by and this time, I don't want anything to do with a man who has slept around. His children leaving and all that he is going through right now is No excuse for the decisions he is making. I can't see myself ever being ok being with him if a lot of time goes by this time because I know the involvement with other women will be more serious this time. It won't be simple Facebook chats or emails. He will go further now.

 

In an instant, I decided I would not wait like I did all the other time. The circumstances are going to be so different now. No children...he is going to be alone. As you said, this can work for or against me and I believe it will go against. There will be real damage this time. Damage that will be irreparable. I know myself. If my insecurities over a stupid email caused so much damage, what do you think will happen if I know he went to see her or slept with her? I know myself. I won't be able to work past that. I know him well and by the ways things have happened in the past, he isn't going to fix this anytime soon. I don't think he has intentions of thatat all. I think this breakup is permanent and he knows that. I am not expecting to hear back from him.

 

I sent the following text messages to him:

 

1.) I can not see everything in your Facebook because We are no longer friends but I did notice you and ****** are now friends. Lol

 

2.) She has always been on your mind and she has always been in the picture every single time you and I have a problem. You and I have been back and forth so many times. I know this is what you wanted and I have no problem giving you what you want. And yes I am purposefully telling you this because I don't ever want to see your face or speak to you ever again!

 

3.) You've done nothing but play games for 2 years. Every time we split up, you were screwing around with other women. I was a fool to ever let you walk back into my life! That just disgusts me! And you have the nerve to talk about class! You've been betraying me for a long time. The arguments, the cheating, the lies...you have no loyalty!! I'm glad this happened. The constant back and forth..it all stops here. You put me through enough. I'm going to get all of my things out of that house in the morning!

 

I know I sound, jealous, mad, hurt, angry, or even bitter..but I don't care. I want him to know what I feel about him. He knows that I love him and I don't want this. Now he knows I am aware of this woman he is in contact with once again. This is all too messy for me and it is time I exit myself from it all. I know that he does not care. He wanted me out of the way and I don't have any intentions of contacting him or anything again unless his tune changes which will be very unlikely. He didn't respond to my message from earlier and he won't respond to these recent ones either. I didn't say I had already taken my things out of the home in case he called the police while I was there. He was very clear that he didn't want me going in the house when he wasn't there. I won't contact him again and I'm sure I won't hear from him anymore.

 

I'm just so disgusted and hurt. He still has all my photos up. he'll take them down soon now that he will start this thing with her. I don't care what he does with who, just as long as I stay far away.

 

I don't know what is going to happen in the next few days. I know the next few days will be terribly hard for me. I'm not able to go back to sleep right now and I will be on high alert until after Friday. I'm 100% positive there will be radio silence from him from this point forward. I'm not going to play the victim anymore. He absolutely does not care about me. I'm broken and hurt, but there is a point where I think I have to move on and I think it's time. This time is not going to be like the rest. He doesn't want this relationship anymore. His anger makes sense now. He wants to go..I'll let him. He wants to pursue someone else..I'll let him. He will realize what is deep inside of his heart on his own in time, but when he is ready to walk back in my life, it will be too late. I won't be carrying all those burdens and I'm not going to be able to look past the damage this time.

 

Please help me to look at this logically. Please support me. Please help me to make the right decisions. I'll make no more contact with him from this point unless he responds. I've said all that I neeeded to say.

[lostlove76]

I do support you, and I'm here for you! You're feeling what I felt when mine immediately jumped to someone else, and it's a special kind of hell that I wish you weren't going through There is no worse feeling than feeling so easily replaced. Just try to keep things in perspective and know that it's not because he doesn't care. My guy moving on with the married tramp was due to a perfect storm - she grew up in his town, she was bored at home with her husband, she wanted to be at the beach where she could show off in her bikini every single day - and my guy became infatuated and gave her a free place to live. He didn't have to fully commit because she was married. He kicked her out twice within four or five months, it appeared. I doubt your guy will have this perfect storm where things will work out, but even if he does, it won't be for long. She isn't anything special to him. She's a void-filler, like I said. She's easy. Guys don't respect easy.

 

The bigger picture is that he does not have the same values that you have. His coping mechanism is to immediately contact other women. Not okay!! It really sucks, because I know you want this to work But if it's not going to work, then keep all this in mind to give you strength and to (rightfully) convince yourself that you need and deserve someone better than that. How refreshing would it be to be with someonone who focuses on no one but you? Even if you had conflicts, he wouldn't immediatly stray to someone else. That's what I want. And what I want for you. Someone loyal. We all deserve that.