Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone!

 

Have had a pretty rough time since the last time I was here on the forum. Haven't been sleeping. I feel like I have insomnia. Stress level is through the roof. After a lot of back and forth, we finally decided on a home. We will be moving in on the 14th. We decided with all the stress going on, it would be more appropriate to take a family trip during the summer or spring break. I haven't even started Christmas shopping. The children are flying to Colorado on January 6th. We have a little less than a month left with them. With all of that chaos..I've been worrying myself insane. I'm trying to not let it rub off on him. I know he's under a lot of stress as well. There have been nights that I am just roaming around the house while everyone is sleeping. I've come to the forum today just to write and process my thoughts. I've come to a conclusion.

 

I can't control these things, therefore I must let it be. I remember my therapist telling me...what we focus on expands. It has really resonated with me. At no point in our lives is mediocre going to be good enough. You have your sights on a shiny new car, you work hard...relentlessly until you get it. It's your focus. Same thing applies to relationships. Set your eyes on marriage, you focus on long term. Set your eyes on a woman or man at the bar...most likely a short term focus.

 

For me...my focus is on long term and even marriage. I fear that sometimes that focus gets lost in translation. I worry over irrelevant things..focusing on him being distracted by other women and even work..the traveling. I've been talking a lot with my mother lately about my fears. She's been telling me that this move the children are making is what's best for them. She says they need their mother and I wholeheartedly agree. I do believe this is what's best for them. She also said with them leaving, it's normal for me to feel the way I'm feeling. Similar to how she felt when my sister and I went off to college...empty nest syndrome. The past 2 years and the entire duration of my relationship with him has been focused on the children. We have never really had time alone nor have we ever focused on eachother or our relationship. As a result, I had trouble adapting to my role as a stepmother and trust was often not a priority. I have so many doubts and concerns still. I can't change what happened and I don't think I will ever get a true idea of where our relationship is going until the children leave and I see what his level of commitment is to growing our relationship.

 

Just have to get through these next few weeks.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone...just wanted to write what happened earlier today. Maybe writing what happened will help me sort it out in my mind.

 

I asked him this morning if anyone of the women had contacted and if he would tell me. I needed validation. I asked him because he got a notification late at night which prompted me to ask him about it this morning. He opened his phone in front of me and he froze. I asked him again...would you tell me if anyone from your past contacted you. Still a pause. Then he began to talk. He said...I have a message from (email girl's name). She was wishing me happy birthday. I didn't even realize I got a message from her until today. He showed me and the message was unopened. I simply asked for the phone and I blocked her right in front of him. I then asked...can you tell me why, after 2 years, is this woman still in my relationship. I knew the answer to this, but I wanted to hear what he had to say for himself. He said he didn't know why she was still trying to talk to him and that he loved me. He walked away.

 

I spent the rest of the day crying. I kept my distance from him. I didn't even eat. I was really upset. The thing is..he may not have been in contact with her since I came back, but the apparant reason why she is still popping up is because anytime him and I have a rift, he is contacting her. The emails are a good example of this. Then when he patches things up with me, she won't hear from him for a few months and then she is reaching out to him. I have every reason to be upset for that message. Why is this woman still in the picture??

 

By the evening, I didn't eat a thing all day and tension was sky high. We went to get food with the the children. I asked him to step aside to talk. I asked if he understood why I was upset. He said repeatedly that he completely understood and that he would be upset as well if he were in my shoes. I went on to say that the reason she is still lingering around was because he has been involved with her on and off for 2 years now...throughout our relationship. That was a sore button. He immediately became defensive as if I was accusing him. He raised his voice and kept saying he doesn't have anything to do with her. He started yelling saying..he would give me her phone number and email and that I needed to tell her to get out of our lives. Really?? She's not the problem..he is. It is his job to protect me and to protect our relationship.

 

I know he can't control what anyone else does and he probably hasn't been in contact with her for a while, but I don't see this pattern coming to an end. I feel so hurt. Everything that happened with the email came flooding back. This same exact woman contacted him and he expected me to handle her?? If he really wanted to protect our relationship and if he wasn't keep her around as a back up, which is the place he has given her, he would have gladly said he would contact her to inform her that she shouldn't interfere. Maybe the nature of the text, since it was just a happy birthday wish, was harmless and didn't warrant him responding to her. I still feel he is the reason why this woman is still in the picture.

 

I really don't want to have to worry about this. It isn't fair that I have to wake up with this on the back of my mind everyday. All of my fears, doubts, and suspicions have been raised now because of her attempt to communicate.

 

Don't really know what to do or say.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hi everyone...just wanted to write what happened earlier today. Maybe writing what happened will help me sort it out in my mind.

 

I asked him this morning if anyone of the women had contacted and if he would tell me. I needed validation. I asked him because he got a notification late at night which prompted me to ask him about it this morning. He opened his phone in front of me and he froze. I asked him again...would you tell me if anyone from your past contacted you. Still a pause. Then he began to talk. He said...I have a message from (email girl's name). She was wishing me happy birthday. I didn't even realize I got a message from her until today. He showed me and the message was unopened. I simply asked for the phone and I blocked her right in front of him. I then asked...can you tell me why, after 2 years, is this woman still in my relationship. I knew the answer to this, but I wanted to hear what he had to say for himself. He said he didn't know why she was still trying to talk to him and that he loved me. He walked away.

 

I spent the rest of the day crying. I kept my distance from him. I didn't even eat. I was really upset. The thing is..he may not have been in contact with her since I came back, but the apparant reason why she is still popping up is because anytime him and I have a rift, he is contacting her. The emails are a good example of this. Then when he patches things up with me, she won't hear from him for a few months and then she is reaching out to him. I have every reason to be upset for that message. Why is this woman still in the picture??

 

By the evening, I didn't eat a thing all day and tension was sky high. We went to get food with the the children. I asked him to step aside to talk. I asked if he understood why I was upset. He said repeatedly that he completely understood and that he would be upset as well if he were in my shoes. I went on to say that the reason she is still lingering around was because he has been involved with her on and off for 2 years now...throughout our relationship. That was a sore button. He immediately became defensive as if I was accusing him. He raised his voice and kept saying he doesn't have anything to do with her. He started yelling saying..he would give me her phone number and email and that I needed to tell her to get out of our lives. Really?? She's not the problem..he is. It is his job to protect me and to protect our relationship.

 

I know he can't control what anyone else does and he probably hasn't been in contact with her for a while, but I don't see this pattern coming to an end. I feel so hurt. Everything that happened with the email came flooding back. This same exact woman contacted him and he expected me to handle her?? If he really wanted to protect our relationship and if he wasn't keep her around as a back up, which is the place he has given her, he would have gladly said he would contact her to inform her that she shouldn't interfere. Maybe the nature of the text, since it was just a happy birthday wish, was harmless and didn't warrant him responding to her. I still feel he is the reason why this woman is still in the picture.

 

I really don't want to have to worry about this. It isn't fair that I have to wake up with this on the back of my mind everyday. All of my fears, doubts, and suspicions have been raised now because of her attempt to communicate.

 

Don't really know what to do or say.

 

I'm not sure what else to say except this: If HE wants her out of your lives, HE needs to contact her and ask her to stop contacting -- bottom line. Leaving it to you to do that, well...that would definitely raise red flags with me. Yes, "Happy Birthday" is a pretty innocuous text, but...even if he doesn't respond, she'll probably do it again -- at Christmas, at the New Year -- sometime -- and if he wants it to stop, he needs to say so. He doesn't have to be rude; he could just say "[insert name here], I'm in a relationship and I don't think it's appropriate for us to be in contact anymore" and then block her.

 

My ex and I haven't been in contact for a long time (finally, this year, he did NOT wish me a happy birthday, or Happy Thanksgiving, and I know I won't hear from him on Christmas), but if he did, I would probably just ignore. If he kept contacting me for whatever reason, and it bothered my fiancee, I can guarantee you I'd text my ex and tell him not to contact me anymore. I would NOT tell my fiancee to do it -- that's just...wrong.

 

I understand why you're so worried. If he told her to back off, it would reassure you, wouldn't it? If so, that's what he needs to do. The onus is on HIM to fix this. As you said, she is not the problem.

[Ksol9]

I'm not sure what else to say except this: If HE wants her out of your lives, HE needs to contact her and ask her to stop contacting -- bottom line. Leaving it to you to do that, well...that would definitely raise red flags with me. Yes, "Happy Birthday" is a pretty innocuous text, but...even if he doesn't respond, she'll probably do it again -- at Christmas, at the New Year -- sometime -- and if he wants it to stop, he needs to say so. He doesn't have to be rude; he could just say "[insert name here], I'm in a relationship and I don't think it's appropriate for us to be in contact anymore" and then block her.

 

My ex and I haven't been in contact for a long time (finally, this year, he did NOT wish me a happy birthday, or Happy Thanksgiving, and I know I won't hear from him on Christmas), but if he did, I would probably just ignore. If he kept contacting me for whatever reason, and it bothered my fiancee, I can guarantee you I'd text my ex and tell him not to contact me anymore. I would NOT tell my fiancee to do it -- that's just...wrong.

 

I understand why you're so worried. If he told her to back off, it would reassure you, wouldn't it? If so, that's what he needs to do. The onus is on HIM to fix this. As you said, she is not the problem.

 

 

Thank you for this. It affirmed my thinking. I kid you not..the entire day, anytime my thoughts went astray, I kept thinking that the only thing bothering me still about the whole incident was the simple fact he said he would give me a phone number and an email to tell her to stop contacting. After sleeping on everything, I Know he isn't communicating with her nor did he do anything wrong. His mistakes in the past is the reason this woman iss Had I thought about it at the moment, I would have asked him to send her a message saying not to contact as he is in a relationship and I'm sure he would have. It didn't cross my mind. My first thought was to block her and then my mind started racing about how he created this whole mess to begin with.

 

I think you're absolutely correct about her contacting again. It will most likely happen again on Christmas or another holiday. Maybe eventually she will stop once she is getting no response from him..I don't know. After reading your response, I thought to myself...this is exactly what I was thinking all day and I definitely need to say something about this, but I don't think it's worth the trouble. What's more important is the trust we need to have in one another. If she contacts again, I hope that he would be honest with me. All I really needed was reassurance and as you said, it would have made me feel better.

[Ksol9]

Well that didn't go good. Just as I expected, when I tried to talk about how I thought it was wrong of him to say that I be the one to contact her to stop contacting, he tried to dodge the whole conversation. He became angry when I couldn't finish talking fast enough. He kept saying that I like to drag things out and that he didn't want to have a long drawn out conversation about it when I had nothing to worry about. Very defensive. He did say that he thought blocking her was enough for now as the message was sent about a month ago and that he didn't feel he should have to say anything to her at this time. He said if she contacted again, he would tell her to stop making contact.

 

I was more offended that he was rushing me. He didn't show any interest in my feelings and didn't care to talk about it whatsoever. He did not offer me much reassurance.

 

This is the way he has always been. It doesn't matter the subject. He is defensive and reluctant to communicate. This makes things very difficult. I feel neglected, unloved, uncared for, unheard. Like our relationship means nothing. I don't know if I am doing something wrong or if me over worrying is the biggest problem.

 

I feel extremely stressed out. Today we are moving so I have a ton of work to do. Have not slept much at all and emotionally I am drained. I feel so stressed that I can not see things objectively at all. I'm feeling very discouraged about my relationship. I don't feel he treats me with love and respect. I don't feel secure and I'm extremely worried that I will see a complete change in attitude once the children leave. I think all this uneasiness I am feeling is because I feel he will treat me much worse once the children leave. I feel he will treat me as though I am dispensable. How I am feeling is shining so bright through my actions and behavior no matter how hard I try to hide it. Behaving like this is not going to get me anywhere fast.

 

All this negativity is no good. I might not have a thing to worry about but not following my intuition has brought me a lot of problems in the past. I need to take a serious time out, get my thoughts together, and get back on track as soon as possible.

[browneyedgirl36]

Well that didn't go good. Just as I expected, when I tried to talk about how I thought it was wrong of him to say that I be the one to contact her to stop contacting, he tried to dodge the whole conversation. He became angry when I couldn't finish talking fast enough. He kept saying that I like to drag things out and that he didn't want to have a long drawn out conversation about it when I had nothing to worry about. Very defensive. He did say that he thought blocking her was enough for now as the message was sent about a month ago and that he didn't feel he should have to say anything to her at this time. He said if she contacted again, he would tell her to stop making contact.

 

I was more offended that he was rushing me. He didn't show any interest in my feelings and didn't care to talk about it whatsoever. He did not offer me much reassurance.

 

This is the way he has always been. It doesn't matter the subject. He is defensive and reluctant to communicate. This makes things very difficult. I feel neglected, unloved, uncared for, unheard. Like our relationship means nothing. I don't know if I am doing something wrong or if me over worrying is the biggest problem.

I feel extremely stressed out. Today we are moving so I have a ton of work to do. Have not slept much at all and emotionally I am drained. I feel so stressed that I can not see things objectively at all. I'm feeling very discouraged about my relationship. I don't feel he treats me with love and respect. I don't feel secure and I'm extremely worried that I will see a complete change in attitude once the children leave. I think all this uneasiness I am feeling is because I feel he will treat me much worse once the children leave. I feel he will treat me as though I am dispensable. How I am feeling is shining so bright through my actions and behavior no matter how hard I try to hide it. Behaving like this is not going to get me anywhere fast.

 

All this negativity is no good. I might not have a thing to worry about but not following my intuition has brought me a lot of problems in the past. I need to take a serious time out, get my thoughts together, and get back on track as soon as possible.

 

Given what you've written above -- especially the bolded part -- is this really what you want? Consider this carefully, because it seems that this is how it's going to be, forever, unless something changes drastically, but... I have learned that, while people CAN change their behavior (IF they really see it as needing to change AND are willing to put the effort in), who they are -- on a fundamental level -- does NOT change.

 

I know how much you want to make this relationship work, but at what cost to you? If he's not hearing your concerns, not acknowledging your feelings, can you really share the rest of your life with him?

 

When I met my fiancee, very early on, I asked him, "What is one thing that makes you the most angry?" His response, "When I feel like someone isn't hearing me. When I feel that my feelings and concerns are being dismissed or minimized." I responded that my answer to that question is exactly the same as his -- it truly is the one thing that makes me angrier than pretty much anything else, at least in the context of relationships. I couldn't live with someone who minimized my concerns to the point were I was stressed and anxious and felt like I was doing "something wrong" all the time.

 

Would he consider counseling? If he won't, I'm not sure how you're going to be able to cope with all of this long term. Counseling isn't the fix-all of everything, but it's your best chance, I think, to make things better. If he refuses to go, well...that will be a very telling thing.

[Ms Darcy]

I'll just be a slight voice of dissent, or at least a different perspective.

 

I firmly believe not going back to a cheater - for all of the problems that you are facing now. Trust in a relationship is like a mirror. Once it's broken, you can never make it unbroken. There are people out there who are expert craftsmen who can glue it back together so well that it's actually more beautiful to them than the unbroken verson. But that's a change in their perception. Do you see what I mean? It's always going to stay broken, but they appreciate the beauty of it.

 

Perception is a hard thing to change. It is personal and individual and emotion-based.

 

I don't believe in going back to a cheater. BUT, if you are going back to a cheater, a lot of things have to change. One, I think couple's therapy is a must. It's not going to work without it. Two, just as important, is forgiveness - from you. Forgiveness is a sort of clemency or pardon. It's like acknowledging that a killer is on death row for murder but suspending the punishment.

 

I'm sorry to say, but it FEELS to me as a reader/outsider, that you are punishing him with all of this need for constant reassurance. Men, sorry to say, have an emotional reassurance cup. There is only so much of it they can fill for you, no matter how bad their past behavior was, before it overflows.

 

You need to ask yourself if you can be in this relationship. Because what that would be is bestowing trust on someone who was untrustworthy. You cannot change your feelings but you can change your actions. If you have a happier attitude around him and stop bringing up these issues with him (even if it comes up again) and stop seeking reassurance, things will probably get better. And maybe he might bring up a conversation or provide you reassurance on his own.

 

Yes, that's telling you to stuff your feelings or deal with them with a therapist. If that's not for you, then maybe he's not for you too.

[Ksol9]

I don't come back to write nearly as much as I should. This forum has always proved to be very therapeutic to me. Ms Darcy and browneyedgirl36 you both made some excellent points.

 

Ms Darcy, I think you may be right about me punishing him in the sense that I am always looking for reassurance and that I may in fact receive it by his own will without trying to coerce it from him. I don't need to constantly pick fights or show an attitude when I am feeling neglected. Since reading your posts I have kept this in mind. I've been paying attention to my behavior and have been trying to assess further why I feel the way I do. I have to take responsibility for my own actions. If I feel neglected or ignored or unheard I need to think deeper for why it is I feel that way. It is true that I am constantly seeking reassurance. I am hypersensitive and I feel if he doesn't acknowledge my feelings, I become upset because I feel he is being mean. Lately that is all I'm paying attention to...he's being mean and saying mean things. He's not considerate of my feelings. He didn't help me with the groceries. His words are too rough. I've got to stop. We're just pushing eachother away from eachother. Communication is dwindling fast and as browneyedgirl36 said, this is something I need to think long and hard about. Do I really want to live like this for the rest of my life? Yes, things may get better if I change my attitude and stop bringing up this same issue or anything related to it, but how he dismisses me and has little tolerance to even listen to me is something I don't think will change.

 

At the same time, from the outside, others are able to sense that I am punishing him by trying to seek reassurance and attention..maybe I don't recognize I am doing this. Right now, our relationship is on shaky ground. We don't speak to eachother about our relationship and feelings. It's focused on the children and Christmas at the moment. I have been feeling really hurt the past couple of days. I've been keeping my distance and it's been hard to hide. He is growing frustrated and is probably feeling ignored just as I am feeling. He is feeling as though I should say what my problem is rather than to let it fester and I fear to speak up because he may become angry and short fused. Not a good mixture right now. For 2 days now, I've been pretty silent, distant, and really upset. Finding real forgiveness from within has proved to be more challenging than I thought. I don't know if I've really been able to find firgivenesss for all that has happened. Something seems to be buried deep inside that I'm not letting go of. as I have said previously, all of the upcoming changes will either make us better and stronger or completely destroy us. We've been doing ok up until this point, but there are days like the past couple of days that I notice his behavior toward me isn't very nice. As a result, I am upset, hurt distant, even ignoring him at times. We haven't had a conversation about my feelings and I don't expect this to be resolved.

 

Happy holidays everyone!

 

Lostlove, I hope you're doing well. I'm not sure if you're active on the site anymore, but I just wanted to say hi.

[Ksol9]

He walked me out to my car this morning. I simply said..we can't carry on like this. He went on and on about how I won't let the email incident go. Exactly as ms darcy said..I have been punishing him. I did not connect the dots. I did not think that I was constantly looking for reassurance nor did I think I was being hypersensitive about how he treats me because I haven't let the email incident die. He kept telling me over and over how we will it be able to grow or move forward if I don't let bygones be bygones. I think I'm not solely to blame. I think this goes both ways and someone has to be the bigger person. After all, I wouldn't be in this predicament if he hadn't made those poor decisions. Still, he says this is my wrongdoing and that I continue to hold this against him. That I continue to hold this anger against him.

 

When I look at everything objectively, I have no reason to believe he is doing anything wrong at moment and truthfully, I don't expect him to. The children are leaving soon and Christmas is right around the corner. He wants things to go smoothly for the children. I believe when his new work project starts in January February in another town, he will be traveling quite a bit for days at a time. I believe it is then that things will begin to change drastically between us. I am expecting the worst. As much as I would like to hope it will be a time to strengthen our bond, I don't see that happening.

 

Tonight, for the first time in a long time, we had a real honest and open conversation about everything. I candidly asked him if he had feelings for this woman he continues to contact. He candidly asked me to let bygones be bygones. He pointed out how it effects my behavior and attitude toward him. I was then able to tell him how I felt unlovedby him. For the first time in a long time, I feel he was actually listening to me. He went on to explain that our lives are so focused on the children. He asked me to give us a real chance. He said it will be interesting to see what will happen when they move and that we will be able to focus on eachother. I said that we are both adults and if this isn't working, we needed to go our separate ways. He responded by saying that we needed to give this a chance. He said that if I changed the way I behaved...just as ms Darcy said...I would get a different response from him. I know I'm not to blame, but I am responsible for my own actions and emotions. While anger and frustrations are legitimate I need to explore further what and why I'm feeling those things before i react.

 

I remember lostlove telling me over and over, as well as my therapist, that men are wired differently. They process things on a different wavelength. I can't always expect him to feel what I'm feeling. Something has to give in order for things to change.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol, and everyone else! I know I've been MIA for awhile. I haven't left the site. Things are always just hectic at this time of year, from around Thanksgiving through New Year's, and I get stressed and time gets away from me. I'm sure this is the case for everyone, but I just don't handle stress well and tend to retreat and close myself off any chance I get. But it will all soon be over, and a new year will begin. I'm hoping for both myself and for you, ksol, that 2017 is significantly better than 2016 has been. It's been a rough year for both of us!! So much stress and worry and sadness and depression. We both deserve better than that, and it's crucial for our health and we'll-being. I worry that the constant stress is slowly killing me, and I could say the same for you. Something has to change.

 

BEG and Ms Darcy both made some very valid points and gave you some excellent food for thought, and you've made equally good points yourself. I think it's clear by now that a) you haven't fully forgiven him, and b) you don't fully trust him. Though you've strived to make improvements in certain behaviors since getting back together, and you've tried really hard to think positively, I think the above two facts remain, and that is what ultimately drives your thoughts and reactions. Our thoughts, actions, and feelings are all so closely intertwined that it's hard to sustain a certain behavior (ex: not seeking reassurance) when your thoughts and feelings are the complete opposite (constant need for reassurance due to distrust). I don't know the solution to that off the top of my head - just trying to identify the main problem. You can tell yourself that you're going to go easy on him, not punish him, not seek the reassurance. But eventually you're going to revert right back to doing it as an automatic response, because it's what you're feeling on the inside and it's going to come out some how, some way, some time. So don't be too hard on yourself for doing what you're doing - in some ways, I honestly think you just can't help it. Which means you somehow have to fix the inside before you can change the outside (what you project onto him). At least you know all this! Some people stumble along completely clueless, but you always have such good insight, and that's the first step.

 

I'm trying to think what I would do at this point in your position. I've had similar experiences in the past during which the trust was so broken (and some of their transgressions were, honestly, perhaps relatively minor, but I had it in my head that they messed up big time, and that was enough) that eventually the love and attraction diminished enough for me to break free and move on. That obviously didn't happen with my last guy, and thus far, it hasn't happened for you. You still love him and your heart wants to make this work. I think you should follow your heart for a while longer on this one. He's trying. He wants to be with you. He wants it to work. That's huge!!! I would give anything to say the same, no matter how many difficulties it brought. Stick this through until the kids are gone and you two adjust to the one-on-one. I'm not much of a kid person, so this is easy for me to say, but I would be excited for the new closeness this could bring! You will soon have the chance to enjoy solely each other. That doesn't mean you don't love the kids or worry about them, nor does it mean you would have chosen this path... but you have the opportunity to embrace it to the fullest, and I think you deserve that. Then if things don't work out a few months down the line, you'll know that you tried.

 

These are more just thoughts than advice, I guess. I don't know how you can stop the worried thoughts, or overcome the lack of trust, or find it in yourself to completely forgive and let go... because I've never mastered any of these myself. I did do quite a bit of forgiving with mine for all he did, because I was always just so glad to have him back each time or keep him in my life that I was willing to forgive just about anything. I think I made some choice along the way to stay in the present moment, to some extent, and "forget" what came before it. I'm not sure that's a good thing, but it's what I did, and with him it was easy. Normally, I'm not so forgiving.

 

That's what's great about this forum, though... you have people like me who can totally relate and feel what you're feeling, but unable to offer certain advice because they have the same exact problems. And then you have others who are stronger and more accomplished in certain areas who can give sound advice and tell it like it is. So you get a variety of perspectives and compassion and suggestions. So I hope you'll keep writing! I haven't gone away completely myself, just taking a down period til the holiday craziness is over. It feels nice to write again. I really just hopped on to wish you and everyone else here happy holidays, and ended up writing a novel lol.

 

I do hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!!! For all of us struggling, let's at least try to allow ourselves one happy and worry-free day. Put it all aside, just for Christmas day, and just be thankful for what is around us. I'm going to try. And I hope you can too, ksol I'll try not to wait so long to check in again.

[lostlove76]

I guess I'll also give just a quick update on my situation, though there's really nothing to tell. Still haven't heard a peep from him. Still look at their pages. Still feel so much anger/hate towards her for being such a horrible person and yet getting to have him - though I try to remind myself that it's not all rainbows and butterflies for them, and he did kick her out and refuse to let her come back for a month or so there. They're obviously talking again, and she made some comment about going back there soon. Which is typically terrible of her, given that she's living with her husband for a while now, yet carrying on like a teenager wanting to move out and be free. I know my resentment is clear here. He's horrible as well, for talking to her again at all, especially while her poor husband is being used by her for security. Ugh. I have days like yesterday when I cried all the pain out to my parents, after feeling lonely and being in a mood for several days and taking it out on them... and days like today when I think they both just suck and completely deserve each other.

 

So, that's that, I guess. Maybe if I start feeling better about myself, I eventually won't cry over someone who treated me so horribly.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol, and everyone else! I know I've been MIA for awhile. I haven't left the site. Things are always just hectic at this time of year, from around Thanksgiving through New Year's, and I get stressed and time gets away from me. I'm sure this is the case for everyone, but I just don't handle stress well and tend to retreat and close myself off any chance I get. But it will all soon be over, and a new year will begin. I'm hoping for both myself and for you, ksol, that 2017 is significantly better than 2016 has been. It's been a rough year for both of us!! So much stress and worry and sadness and depression. We both deserve better than that, and it's crucial for our health and we'll-being. I worry that the constant stress is slowly killing me, and I could say the same for you. Something has to change.

 

BEG and Ms Darcy both made some very valid points and gave you some excellent food for thought, and you've made equally good points yourself. I think it's clear by now that a) you haven't fully forgiven him, and b) you don't fully trust him. Though you've strived to make improvements in certain behaviors since getting back together, and you've tried really hard to think positively, I think the above two facts remain, and that is what ultimately drives your thoughts and reactions. Our thoughts, actions, and feelings are all so closely intertwined that it's hard to sustain a certain behavior (ex: not seeking reassurance) when your thoughts and feelings are the complete opposite (constant need for reassurance due to distrust). I don't know the solution to that off the top of my head - just trying to identify the main problem. You can tell yourself that you're going to go easy on him, not punish him, not seek the reassurance. But eventually you're going to revert right back to doing it as an automatic response, because it's what you're feeling on the inside and it's going to come out some how, some way, some time. So don't be too hard on yourself for doing what you're doing - in some ways, I honestly think you just can't help it. Which means you somehow have to fix the inside before you can change the outside (what you project onto him). At least you know all this! Some people stumble along completely clueless, but you always have such good insight, and that's the first step.

 

I'm trying to think what I would do at this point in your position. I've had similar experiences in the past during which the trust was so broken (and some of their transgressions were, honestly, perhaps relatively minor, but I had it in my head that they messed up big time, and that was enough) that eventually the love and attraction diminished enough for me to break free and move on. That obviously didn't happen with my last guy, and thus far, it hasn't happened for you. You still love him and your heart wants to make this work. I think you should follow your heart for a while longer on this one. He's trying. He wants to be with you. He wants it to work. That's huge!!! I would give anything to say the same, no matter how many difficulties it brought. Stick this through until the kids are gone and you two adjust to the one-on-one. I'm not much of a kid person, so this is easy for me to say, but I would be excited for the new closeness this could bring! You will soon have the chance to enjoy solely each other. That doesn't mean you don't love the kids or worry about them, nor does it mean you would have chosen this path... but you have the opportunity to embrace it to the fullest, and I think you deserve that. Then if things don't work out a few months down the line, you'll know that you tried.

 

These are more just thoughts than advice, I guess. I don't know how you can stop the worried thoughts, or overcome the lack of trust, or find it in yourself to completely forgive and let go... because I've never mastered any of these myself. I did do quite a bit of forgiving with mine for all he did, because I was always just so glad to have him back each time or keep him in my life that I was willing to forgive just about anything. I think I made some choice along the way to stay in the present moment, to some extent, and "forget" what came before it. I'm not sure that's a good thing, but it's what I did, and with him it was easy. Normally, I'm not so forgiving.

 

That's what's great about this forum, though... you have people like me who can totally relate and feel what you're feeling, but unable to offer certain advice because they have the same exact problems. And then you have others who are stronger and more accomplished in certain areas who can give sound advice and tell it like it is. So you get a variety of perspectives and compassion and suggestions. So I hope you'll keep writing! I haven't gone away completely myself, just taking a down period til the holiday craziness is over. It feels nice to write again. I really just hopped on to wish you and everyone else here happy holidays, and ended up writing a novel lol.

 

I do hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!!! For all of us struggling, let's at least try to allow ourselves one happy and worry-free day. Put it all aside, just for Christmas day, and just be thankful for what is around us. I'm going to try. And I hope you can too, ksol I'll try not to wait so long to check in again.

 

 

Hi Lostlove! So nice to hear from you! I totally understand how the holiday season can be unforgiving when it comes to stress. At the same time Christmas is about joy and happiness and being thankful for all that we have. You're so very right, we must try to put our worries aside and remember what the holiday is all about. I'll reply to your other post following this one. I have been wondering what has been going on in your neck of the woods. So thank you for checking in. As always, I so very much appreciate your advice and insight.

 

Browneyedgirl36 and ms Darcy definitely put everything that concerns me regarding my relationship at the moment in a nutshell. I think you're also correct in saying that I haven't fully forgiven him. I think I came back just saying it to myself and aloud, but forgiveness comes from within. It's a tricky little thing. Maybe it is something that takes time and is something I need to work on within myself? This is something I haven't done. I've just been sort of hoping it would happen I. Time based on how our relationship progressed. I've been back for a little over 3 months now. Things have been great but I've been filled with a lot of worry and this has caused a few arguments beteeen us. I think when I read what ms Darcy wrote, I had a bit of an epiphany. I really wasn't aware that I was depending on him to lead me into forgiving him. I held it over his head. I was expecting him to treat me differently..maybe even better than before, because he was the one who made the transgressions. Now that I'm aware and I am analyzing my past and present behaviors, I see where I am going wrong. I shouldn't require constant reassurance and when I don't get it, I shouldn't act out in the way I have been ie ignoring him, attitudes, bringing up the emails and this other woman. I decided to continue the relationship. I felt the incident was something we could work past. There is no reason for me to hold this over his head. He owes me nothing. I have decided to go on blind faith that he is a mature adult and would make the right decisions from this point forward. Needless to say, he has been extremely patient with me. I think deep down inside, I expected him to be so grateful that I gave him a second chance after what he did that he would treat me better. I set these expectations so high that I've been making a fuss when he didn't. That's just downright unrealistic. We both are fortunate to have eachother and we are fortunate to have another opportunity to grow and learn from what happened. As you said, this may have been a minor mistake, yet I treat it as worst case scenario. There has been nothing upon my return to say that there is evidence he may continue to repeat those mistakes. I have just been paranoid and have been acting out because I do not feel assured of his commitment to our relationship. i need to let go of those expectations and let us live in peace. He keeps saying that we can be so great together and that we can be a force...I truly believe that is true, but I'm afraid that with my constant need for reassurance and the upsets it causes on almost a daily basis, I am ruining things. As you said lostlove, he wants to be with me. He knows his children are leaving and if he had no intention of being with me, he wouldn't have contacted me nor would he have me move in this new home with him. I think he has been very understanding. I should not judge him on his past from our relationship or from his previous relationships. It is about here and now and I think he has been making quite serious efforts to get this thing right with me.

 

Ms Darcy said that I needed to sit and think about if this relationship is something I can really handle being in because forgiving someone after cheating would require stuffing my feelings and just dealing with my insecurities seperately. I have already made a decision to stay and I do think after taking a good hard insightful look at myself, I think I want to give this a shot. I have to continue to work hard on myself. At least for another few months after the children leave. That way I can see if we are able to focus on eachother and make some progress. I'm optimistic although I think negatively and I am scared. Sometimes I think I expect the worst just to protect myself from what could possibly happen. He has vowed that he is a honest and faithful man. He has vowed that he wants to be in a committed relationship with me and so I must trust in that and focus on our future together. I will get no where entertaining these bad thoughts. In fact, I will sabatoge the whole thing again by making us both miserable. My last sentence alone is a powerful explanation of how much I understand what is going on here.

 

My plan is to enjoy the last few days we have with the children as a family. After they leave, I'd like to change our lifestyle. We will have so much more feeedom. I want to plan to do things together and to just enjoy eachother. We have never ever really been able to bond and grow a true friendship alone. He said last night that he thinks this will be good for our relationship. I've heard the same statement from you and from family as well. I'm hoping that as outsiders looking in, this is what's likely to happen. I'm afraid of the unknown and my fears and insecurity over it all is transpiring through my behavior. What we think becomes how we act. What we focus on expands. Those two statement are so very true. I need to work very hard to change the way I've been behaving lately. I know I can do it because I did it for the first month or so since I came back. I think now that I have connected the dots and now that I am aware, I will bare it in mind.

 

Thank you for all that you've said. You really put it all into perspective and it is because of this forum, I have been able to sort my thoughts. I have been out of counseling for about a month now and I think my only outlet to express my thoughts and concerns has been this forum..a place to get thoughts, advice, and opinions from others. I think I'm just really thankful for all that I've learned here and I'm thankful he has been so patient with me. I know I've been giving him a hard time lately.

 

I'll be back soon to respond to your last post. I need to run to the store and I'll be right back.

[Ksol9]

I guess I'll also give just a quick update on my situation, though there's really nothing to tell. Still haven't heard a peep from him. Still look at their pages. Still feel so much anger/hate towards her for being such a horrible person and yet getting to have him - though I try to remind myself that it's not all rainbows and butterflies for them, and he did kick her out and refuse to let her come back for a month or so there. They're obviously talking again, and she made some comment about going back there soon. Which is typically terrible of her, given that she's living with her husband for a while now, yet carrying on like a teenager wanting to move out and be free. I know my resentment is clear here. He's horrible as well, for talking to her again at all, especially while her poor husband is being used by her for security. Ugh. I have days like yesterday when I cried all the pain out to my parents, after feeling lonely and being in a mood for several days and taking it out on them... and days like today when I think they both just suck and completely deserve each other.

 

So, that's that, I guess. Maybe if I start feeling better about myself, I eventually won't cry over someone who treated me so horribly.

 

 

I'm sorry there are still days that you cry. I think I've told you this before, but my therapist told many times, when I would tell her about weeping on the floor over this man..she said to me, embrace these emotions, they are necessary. The anger, the resentment, the sadness, it's all apart of the process. Have you thought about dating or anything new that would help you move on?

 

You're such a nice person. You are kind, insightful, and analytical. The many chats we have had here on the forum, you've helped me in countless ways. You are deserving of happiness. With the new year approaching have you made any goals?

[Ksol9]

Wanted to write about something I've been trying to put out of my head. He gave me one of his old phones to go get the screen repaired as it was cracked. His plan is to give it to his son when they move. He'll hook up the line so he'll be able to stay in direct contact with them instead of having to call mom's phone.

 

Before going in the repair store, I noticed nothing was erased from the phone. All messages were there. I scrolled through the phone. I didn't find anything as far as phone calls or messages to or from other women during our relationship, but there were some really old messages on there from before I met him. I saw messages from the time he broke up with his ex wife and throughout the time time he was single and until he met me. I read some details about the breakup with his ex wife. I could feel his pain as he was confiding in her sister. It was very sad to read about how their family broke up. Much of the details he had already told me about and there wasnt anything new I had learned. He had told me about it a few times when he spoke about his past.

 

After the breakup, it was typical single guy stuff. Him asking women out to dinner, complimenting..just single guy things. I wasn't bothered, but then I saw some messages with one woman in particular where he was telling her he couldn't see himself having sex with her again. He said it's been 4 months, you're telling me you haven't had sex with anyone else? I looked at the dates and it was around the time he and his ex wife tried to reconcile. He went on to say..you were my best kept secret and now thats out the window. She made a comment about I'm clean and I'm not promiscuous like your wife. Those who know my story know that his ex wife began having an affair and that is what led to their breakup.

 

Here's the thing...this shouldn't bother me at all. It has nothing to do with me. It was in the past. Everyone has a past. I have one too. The part about him saying..you were my best kept secret has been etched in my mind since reading it. There has been plenty of talk that he and his ex wife both cheated on eachother. The children have even mentioned it. I never really let any of that bother me. That is apart of his past. Nothing to do with me. I have had issues with him contacting other women. I have not learned of anything further, but my impression when I found those emails was that he has side relationships, casual sex, and is capable of being unfaithful. That has been my biggest fear about him and the things that have happened up until this point have led me believe this is maybe how he is. Again worst case thinking. I am no one to assume anything about him and his past. I know I should only judge him on what I've experienced and not on his past, that is the reason I haven't told him about what i read. I'm sure he will tell me that was in the past and it was before you. He will go on to say, I never cheated on my ex wife as he has said before. I feel like what I read could correlate to his behavior now. I'm assuming he was having trouble with his ex wife for many months. He got involved with another woman, reconciled with his ex wife for a short time and then contacted this other woman again after things ended finally with his ex wife. Who knows how long this outside relationship was going on. Best kept secret sounds to me like he could have been sleeping with her while he was with his wife. It obviously wasn't anything serious and was jus sexual, but it still makes me feel that maybe their marriage ended because he often had affairs. He would travel often and who knows if this is just what he did throughout their marriage. I also read messages from his ex wife. They weren't nice messages but there was a message saying...for 10 years, if we didn't have children..there was never going to be any communication between us. I know they didn't have a smooth relationship. That's apparent.

 

I guess I know this shouldn't matter. This is his past. It's none of my business and has nothing to do with me. Maybe I have the answer to my question and that is that I shouldn't be trying to connect the dots from what happened in his past and what is happening with me. I guess I fear that this man is what I fear him to be and that these behaviors are ingrained in him.. that maybe history will repeat itself from what happened with his wife and what is going on now. I almost regret looking through the phone.

 

Is this something I should tell him I saw and that it has been etched in my mind since? Or should I just let it go. I already know what his response will be. What do I expect to gain from that? I think I have the answers. Just wanted to hear opinions of others.

[Ms Darcy]

You had no business reading it. You keep saying that you want it to work but then you do things that contradict that. No don't bring it up with him.

 

When you go looking for trouble, you generally find it.

 

Stop snooping in his old stuff. Seriously.

[Ksol9]

You had no business reading it. You keep saying that you want it to work but then you do things that contradict that. No don't bring it up with him.

 

When you go looking for trouble, you generally find it.

 

Stop snooping in his old stuff. Seriously.

 

 

 

You're right. Normally, I would look through the phone, react, and tell him about it....creating a major problem about something that has nothing to do with me. This time, I'm thinking before I react. Maybe in time I will learn to stop snooping especially when it has nothing to do with me.. It almost always gets me in some sort of trouble. There are also times, I'd prefer to know what I'm dealing with. I guess if it has something to do with me then that is a different story.

 

The most important line in your post: When you go looking for trouble, you generally find it.

 

Thank you for your straightforward response. After reading it, I'm standing up straight. I realize I shouldn't have read it and I'm also glad I didn't allow my emotions to get the best of me by telllng all that I read and what Ii thought of it. I do want this relationship to work and I understand I need to start changing some of my behavior in order to do so.

[NorthDallas40]

I've read nothing of this thread but the post on this page, and I can say unequivocally: DON'T SNOOP. PERIOD.

 

If you trust your partner, prove it.

 

If you don't, then why the hell are you in a relationship with them?

 

That's all I have to add.

[Ksol9]

I guess wisdom and experience comes with age. I have been changing my perspective on my need for looking through his phone. This is just something I've carried through each and every relationship I've ever had. I don't know where the insecurity comes from. We are now at a point in our relationship where he has given me real reasons to be skeptical, but as I mature I'm realizing if I want to be on a general path to something more, I have to change. My perspective has changed in the sense that I don't believe I should have the need to invade his privacy. If he is doing anything wrong, it will eventually come to light and as I've been told many times by people on this forum and alike, if I go looking for clues of his infidelity, I will most likely find something I can turn and twist into his guilt. Just as I have to make a conscious choice that I want to be in this relationship because I believe he is a good man, he too has to make that same decision about me on his very own.

 

I think what is more motivating for us both is if I focus on myself and becoming an admirable woman. I still am that woman he met. I am educated, I come from a good home, I have a wonderful family who has instilled great morals and values in me. I have been thinking about finishing my master's degree...something I put on the back burner because I was being a stepmother. I will now have the time to focus on those things in addition to strengthening our relationship. Why focus on who he is texting or who is texting him. That is a waste of time. I think in the long run, he will respect me more, value me more, and will see for himself that I am a good match for him. Rather than an insecure woman, who continuously picks fights over my assumptions of him. Just writing that I cringe. That isn't me. I think if I focus on what's important, he will change his behavior toward me as well. Overall, we will have a more healthy and fulfilling relationship. This is going to take some work, but I'm focused and I'm aware. I'm thankful for his patience and belief in me. We are going to overcome all that we've been through. I just know it even though there are days I'm negative and pessimistic.

 

Hope everyone enjoys this Christmas. Wishing you all joy and happiness!

[Ksol9]

Just wanted to write a few words while I have some time to relax between family functions. This morning we got up opened gifts and then went to my parents for breakfast. Spent much of the day there relaxing, talking, and just enjoying eachother's company. The kids never want to leave when they go to my parent's house. Lately I haven't even been able to look myself in the mirror, muchless spend a little quality time with my parents...so busy. Things have just been ridiculously chaotic. Moving to our new home and Christmas shopping is out of the way. Now we just have to prepare the children for their move on the 6th of January. After that, he and I will have so much time on our hands we won't know what to do with it.

 

As lostlove said, just for one day, we should forget about our worries and just be thankful for all that we have. I guess I'm just sitting here reflecting on all that I have. I have such a supportive family. My parents treat his children as though they are mine biologically. My sister and her husband are having a baby in April, so that is exciting. The upcoming year is going to be a good year. I just know it is....with a lot of life changes.

 

Hope everyone enjoys the rest of this day with your family and friends. Merry Christmas!!

[Ksol9]

Happy New Year!

 

 

Forgiveness has been on my mind. Since coming back, I didn't realize how difficult forgiveness can really be. I can barely hide the anger and resentment from him anymore. As a result, I've pretty much shut down the past few days. We aren't talking much, not touching, hugging...I'm just staying out of his way. I don't know if we are just going through a rough patch or if this is because we are losing the children or if it's really over.

 

At the advice of my mother, I've been laying low and just staying out of his way. I can't possibly fully comprehend what he is going through with the children moving. It's not like we can see them on the weekends. They will be living clear across country. He's been drinking a little more often also. I don't know if I'm blind or just naive or what. He bought a bottle of liquor and finished it all by himself by the second day. Purchased another one and finished it in 2 days. He doesn't seem depressed. I can't even tell that he's drunk. He's just hanging around the house watching tv and occasionally chatting with the children. No liquor today. If he purchases another bottle, I'll surely say something about it to him. Him and I haven't had a decent conversation in days. I've shut down. I'm not going to get my point across. Right now, issues with the children come first. I shouldn't be selfish.

 

We have been having little spats and that is what led to me completely shutting down. His reaction anytime we've gotten into one of these little arguments really hurt me. He was very rough with me. Almost like a too bad , get over it attitude. i am wondering if this relationship has entered a place of no passion, love, or friendship. That's what it feels like. Am I doing something wrong? Am I handling what I'm feeling incorrectly?

 

One thing I know for sure is that I have not forgiven him. That is what has caused the little arguments. I can't tell you one significant argument we've had. It was all about stupid little things. I'm knit picking, easily angered, short fused, hypersensitive. I'll ignore him sometimes, give an attitude for no apparent reason, just overall mean and I don't realize it until afterwards. Who wouldn't react to that after some time? I know I wouldn't deal with that for long. He seems angry and spiteful. Even doing immature things. Maybe the alcohol has intensified the stupidity, I don't know. The best thing for me to do is steer clear until the children leave. I'm sure things won't be ok until a little after they leave also. This is going to take a toll on him for sure. I know my behavior is related to my inability to forgive him for what he has done.

 

Things got to the point where I felt like giving up. On Friday, I wanted to pack up and leave. It's so easy to carry anger, yet so difficult to forgive. I've decided to search for another therapist to help me with this. Maybe it will lead to couples counseling. First I want to see if I'm able to salvage. I definitely can not go through with this on my own. We are barely comminicating. We only speak if we have to and I'm watching my tone when I do. We're still getting out and doing things as a family, but I'm not pretending anymore. I'm hurt by how he behaves like he doesn't care about me or my feelings. With the exception of yesterday, he woke up in the morning and as I was making breakfast, he asked if something was wrong that he could tell by my tone. I said nothing was wrong and he asked again. I repeated what I said and he gave me a kiss and walked away. I've made an appointment for tomorrow. I'm hoping to come up with a plan to help me work toward forgiveness and better communication with him. If not, I'm going to have to end the relationship.

 

Today is going to be another long day. Keeping to myself hasn't been easy when I'm used to getting texts and phone calls from him throughout the day. Just needed to get this out of my head. Thanks for reading.

[Ksol9]

Here comes another breakup....

 

 

Ive been keeping my distance from him. I've been staying out of his way. I've been spending time with my mom, even staying longer at work. When I got to work this morning, he sent me a text asking what was going on between us. That things were ridiculous. That I wouldn't even tell him I loved him anymore. In my defense, I've just been trying to speak less and keep my distance so that no further problems would arise. Well, I lose either way.

 

We exchanged a few angry texts throughout the day. He keeps saying over and over that this isn't going to work. That him and I both know this relationship is not going to get better. Just a string of negatives. It was sounding like he didn't want to be in the relationship anymore, but just didn't know how to say it. I spent the rest of the day with mom. I said to myself that I would go home in the late afternoon and just play it cool. When i got there, he wasn't home. He had begun packing the children's clothes. Left suitcases open and clothes everywhere. I assumed he took them to get food and more suitcases.i called him. He didn't answer and sent a text saying he didn't need any help with packing. Still not saying he wanted me to leave. I froze. I knew he wanted me to read in between the lines. I wrote back asking for clarification. I said..if you want me to pack my things, I don't have a problem with that. No response. He wrote back a little while later saying directly I'm a grown woman and that I knew this relationship wasn't going to go anywhere. That's all I needed to hear. I dropped to my knees and wept in that empty home. I put together what I could. Wept some more. I was on my knees crying. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't leave just like that. I just couldn't. Not this time.

 

He came home as I was in the room. Children waiting in the car. He was so upset. I asked why he was doing this to me. He told me that I haven't been home all day.that I'm never home anymore and that we never talk. He said that today was the last straw. That he realized things wouldn't get better and that I need to pack my things and move on. Cold...just like our first breakup. Completely emotionless. Like I meant nothing. I could see the anger and spite in his eyes. Like I was being punished for brushing him off the past few days. For hanging up the phone without saying I love you. He had enough. I said that I felt I couldn't talk to him and that I was just keeping my distance. He said this isn't going to work. He said, I guess I'll just take the kids and I'll come back after you leave. He walked out.

 

It took me a few seconds to process that he wasn't going to change his mind and so I got up, grabbed a couple belongings and left everything else there. I left and went home. I sent him a text saying to take the children home because I left. I saw him make a u turn to go home.

 

Explained everything to my mom. Wept some more on my bathroom floor. Showered and here I am writing as I tears roll down my face. He isn't going to turn this around. I've been here before. When he is mad and when he feels slighted, he will not change that mindset until he is ready If he is ever ready. He won't talk to me and I know this is the end. And over what? Because we had an argument about him not hearing me when I said to put the cheesecake in the refrigerator? This breakup is not for any significant reason other than an extreme amount of stress, small little spats, no communication. Now both of us are making extreme decisions without thinking again. The children are flying out on Friday and i don't think I'll see them ever again. I know they are not my childrennand they will move on with their lives, but I'm just at a loss right now. I don't know what to say...I can't think straight.

 

For those of you who have followed my story, we went through something very similar during the first breakup. I distance myself and would not speak to him or come home until late. He couldn't take it and ended the relationship. I don't know what to do. I have to go move all my things out but I don't know if to go tomorrow or wait until after the children leave. I just don't know. I don't know if I'll hear from him or if he is serious about this. I just don't even know what to do. I'm just broken in a million pieces once again and I can't help but feel like I did this to myself.

 

Lostlove, I know you haven't logged on in a while. I really need you right now.

 

Not sure if anyone is reading anymore, but just in need of support right now.

[browneyedgirl36]

Ksol, I'm so sorry to hear this is happening. (((((HUG))))

 

I know it's hard to think straight right now, but I think the best thing to do is to just stay where you are for now, and perhaps arrange to pick up your things once the kids are gone. Maybe you can do it while he's at work or away somewhere, and I hope you have a friend you can ask to go with you to help/offer moral support.

 

I think -- and I hope this doesn't make you feel worse -- that you (and he) are right that this relationship isn't working, that maybe it can't. From what I recall, and based on what you've said here, this situation is pretty much a repeat of your last break-up, and I think that, despite all the good things, there are some fundamental incompatibilities -- differences in communication styles, ways of resolving conflicts, etc. -- as well as a lack of trust on your part due to some of his previous suspicious activities. It sounds as though you wanted it to work so badly -- you both did -- that you tried to sweep these things under the rug, thinking that it would somehow resolve itself over time and that everything would work out. But...once trust is broken, it is extremely hard to get it back -- sometimes impossible -- and fundamental incompatibilities, especially in communication styles and conflict resolution -- CAN be the death of a relationship, no matter how hard both people may want it to work.

 

You tried -- you really did. You gave it a shot, and you stuck it out for far longer than I would have, and I give you a lot of credit for that. Sometimes, we want something so badly that we ignore the reasons why maybe it isn't the best thing for us. Sometimes, what we want isn't ultimately what we really need, but it FEELS like a need, and it's tremendously difficult to let go of what might have been "if only..." I remember operating a lot from a place of "if only" with my ex -- as in "We'd be perfect together IF ONLY he could get over his previous ex" or "This would all work out IF ONLY he would realize how important I am to him." The thing about "if only," though, is that it's often not based in reality -- it's a fantasy, a picture, of how we want the other person and the relationship to be. He is who he is, and that's not going to change. A lot of us make the mistake of loving someone's potential -- which may be different than who he or she really is -- or being invested in what the relationship COULD be, rather than what it is. It's no one's fault -- it's human nature to do this. It's human nature, for the most part, to be hopeful, too -- hopeful that people will be who we need them to be, that things will turn out the way we want them to -- hopeful for that "happy ending." Totally normal. Sometimes, though, we have to come to a painful realization that something we thought we wanted more than anything just isn't going to be -- that a person isn't capable of being who we need them to be and/or that we are not capable of being who they wish we would be. It's nobody's fault, but I know that doesn't make it any easier to bear.

 

On the one hand, I see his point that you are "punishing" him by backing off, not talking, not coming home, etc., but on the other hand, you're doing it as a means of self-protection, self-preservation, which is entirely understandable under the circumstances. The thing is, unless BOTH of you can change in fundamental ways (he being more trustworthy, being more understanding and responsive of your needs and not just trying to sweep the past under the rug and you being less anxious and insecure about him and the relationship and being able to let go of the past) then it's unlikely to work. Sometimes, as devastating as it might be, the best thing to do is move on, separately, and find someone else with whom you are both more compatible. And, the fact that he's polishing off quite a bit of alcohol lately speaks volumes as to his coping mechanisms, and it's not a good omen for the future.

 

Again, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I know how hard it is to give a relationship a second chance (and in my case -- a third, fourth, and probably tenth chance -- UGH!) only to have it be just as difficult the next time around; the prospect of a second break-up can be more devastating than the first one, for a variety of reasons. I suggest taking some time for yourself, talking to your therapist, enlisting the support of friends, and if necessary, parting ways as quietly and with as little drama as possible. Please keep us posted and let us know how you're doing.

[Ksol9]

Thank you broweyedgirl. I think from an outside perspective it is easy to see that I have been trying to punish him and he just got fed up of it. I was warned by many of you here on the forum and family as well, that he would grow frustrated and I would eventually sabatoge my relationship if I didn't learn to deal with what happened. I obviously didn't find a way to deal with it constructively. I'm just broken. Again.

 

I received a text message from him a little bit ago about the storage key. He said why did you take the storage key? I didn't respond because I didn't take the key. I dont have a reason to take that key. The house was upside down when I went there earlier. He was packing and there was clothes everywhere. He must have placed it somewhere and forgot where he put it.

 

I'm just at a loss for words. It like at the blink of an eye I ended up here again..in shambles. I keep hearing my father's voice over and over in my head. He's saying...this is going to continue until you put it to a stop. This time, I don't think the cycle will make its way around again. This seems to be the end of it all. He seems absolutely fed up and I don't see myself going back there after a month or so should he decide to contact me again. I just wish this thing could turn around. I'm wishing I could wake up in the morning and it all be a dream.

 

Now that a few hours have passed and the initial emotions have settled, I've decided that I won't go over there tomorrow to get my things. I'll wait til I know the children are gone and he isn't home. We were supposed to go to Orlando on Wednesday. I don't know if he will still go. It seems like he probably will since he is paxking now. On Friday they fly out of Orlando. So they will either be gone on Wednesday or Friday for sure. I'll check on Wednesday I guess. I'm feeling really guilty about everything. I can see how I pushed him. If I was dealing with everything I've been putting him through, I would totally send him packing.

 

I made an appointment with a new therapist tomorrow. I had no idea I would be going there to talk to him about the relationship I just lost. I thought I was going there to talk about saving this relationship. I may cancel. I can't sleep. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I am so hurt. I feel like I can't even put my feelings into words.

[Ksol9]

I can't sleep. I keep waking up every couple of hours and each time I wake up I keep hoping and praying he turns this thing around. As the hours pass, I'm understanding why he would be so upset with me. I am seeing why he would feel like this relationship is not going to get better. Knowing the person he is and having been through this a few times, its best I say nothing and leave it as is for now. I am not willing to accept that this is for the best at this moment. That is how I honestly feel. He made it clear that yesterday when I didn't come home all day once again, it was the last straw. He felt it was the last time he was going to put up with me treating him badly. Funny how I was able to tolerate all kinds of bad behavior, excuses, lies, betrayal, bad treatment from him and when it came from me he is able to put his foot down. I really should have never put up with most of what I did to begin with. That's here not there at this point.

 

Every time I wake up, I keep asking myself if I should do anything to save the relationship, if there's something I should say, but as with the first break up, anything I say will fall on deaf ears and he may reject and ignore me. It's best I sit tight. I didn't respond about the house key and as for my belongings, I'll go move everything out peacefully when no one is home.

 

Today is going to be absolutely horrible. I decided I'm going to go see the therapist I am scheduled to go see. I'll explain what happened in hopes he may help me understand what is happening. I need to get rid of these past hurts regardless. I would not want to bring that into future relationships. If I would have done anything differently, I would have read more about resentment and forgiveness. I had no idea I was actually punishing him for what he had done. I didn't connect the dots. All I kept thinking was that he treated me poorly and so my reaction was anger. Anger and resentment completely destroyed intimacy between us and he gave up. There is no way I can get through to him even if I had something to say. I could see the anger and spite in his face. He was so mad that I don't think that will go anywhere today. If there was anyway I could turn this around before the children leave, I would, but I don't think that's going to happen. I'm just going to have to let it go and accept I wont be seeing them before they leave. His whole thing is so sad and I'm just heartbroken. I need to toughen up.

[Ksol9]

Received the following text from him this morning:

 

I asked you why did you take the storage key you have not responded. You need to meet me this morning so I can give you the rest of your stuff and I need the storage key.

 

 

Just Cold. So very cold. I shouldn't be surprised. I've seen this from him before. I haven't responded. I don't know what to say. I don't want to see him and I don't want to communicate with him. I want to go my things when he isn't home. I'm so broken right now. I just don't know what to say. I can't even lift a finger to finish getting ready for work