Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[boltnrun]

Lostlove, I'm just going to write a few comments, then I'll leave you alone

 

You say you'll stop looking and obsessing over him and his women when you stop caring. In reality it's the opposite; you'll stop caring (eventually) when you stop looking and obsessing.

 

Hasn't it been a full year since you've actually seen him in person?

 

I do have to ask if you're enjoying living your life the way you are, sitting in front of your laptop checking Facebook and the dating site every day for hours. Is this how you want to spend the next 10 years? 20 years?

 

What have you done as far as calling a therapist to schedule an appointment?

 

How long are you willing to wait, hoping he "realizes"? Years??

 

I'm not trying to beat you up, so I apologize if I come across too blunt. But you seem nice and I would really like to read about you living a happy, fulfilling life. Not one where you expend years waiting for a man who won't give you the life or love you want.

 

As for ending things the way you did, it was obvious he didn't want the same things you want. Otherwise he wouldn't have moved away, leaving you behind, breaking one promise after another and seeking out other women. I think you deserve better than that.

[EvaJ]

Lostlove, I'm just going to write a few comments, then I'll leave you alone

 

You say you'll stop looking and obsessing over him and his women when you stop caring. In reality it's the opposite; you'll stop caring (eventually) when you stop looking and obsessing.

 

Hasn't it been a full year since you've actually seen him in person?

 

I do have to ask if you're enjoying living your life the way you are, sitting in front of your laptop checking Facebook and the dating site every day for hours. Is this how you want to spend the next 10 years? 20 years?

 

What have you done as far as calling a therapist to schedule an appointment?

 

How long are you willing to wait, hoping he "realizes"? Years??

 

I'm not trying to beat you up, so I apologize if I come across too blunt. But you seem nice and I would really like to read about you living a happy, fulfilling life. Not one where you expend years waiting for a man who won't give you the life or love you want.

 

As for ending things the way you did, it was obvious he didn't want the same things you want. Otherwise he wouldn't have moved away, leaving you behind, breaking one promise after another and seeking out other women. I think you deserve better than that.

 

These are my thoughts exactly! I apologize if I came across too harsh earlier, too, lostlove. I didn't mean to. I have a tendency to be too forthright. It's something I definitely need to work on.

 

You seem like such a nice person, so understanding and so insightful, and, just like boltnrun, I would finally like to read that you've moved on and are happy. I know Ksol keeps telling you it's okay to still be at the stage you are at so long after the breakup and I know her advice to ignore anybody telling you that you should move on already is coming from a good place, but, in my humble opinion, it's not doing you any good.

 

I empathize with everything you're feeling and I completely understand, but recovery is not going to happen if you don't put any effort in trying to detach yourself from that guy.

[lostlove76]

Bolt and Eva:

Hi. I'm not ignoring you guys, just wasn't sure yet what I wanted to say in response. I know you both mean well, and I appreciate that you care, so thank you for that. I do agree with what you're saying. My logical mind KNOWS that he was a complete a$$h0le and that I'm not doing myself any favors by waiting or hanging on. I KNOW that he's moved on and that there's nothing but a slim chance that he'll ever call. I promise I'm not delusional about any of this. But when you loved someone so much, I just don't see how you can switch it off. I've told myself ten trillion times all the reasons why I shouldn't want him or care anymore. Half of me HATES him for everything he did. But there was also a lot of good, and he made me feel good in so many ways, and I wish I didn't care but I do. Bolt, you make a good point that I'll only quit caring when I quit obsessing, but honestly, how do you do that when you still care? It's a chicken and egg thing. If I didn't care, I wouldn't obsess. At least I don't DO anything with the obsession, and I have the willpower not to contact him. I will never reach out in any way, ever. As far as he knows, he no longer exists to me. So that just leaves the leftover love and care and yearning I have in my heart, and how do you just cut that off? I refuse to feel ashamed for still caring. One of his exes who I became brief friends with said it took her a year to get over him. She was on and off with him for 3 years, compared to my 2.

 

I have this fantasy of him realizing what he lost and making good on everything he told me over and over for so long - that I'm his soulmate, that we belong together, blah blah blah. I'm sure every girl hopes for that. Rationally, I don't foresee it happening. But I still wish it would.

 

Anyways. I could write ten pages about why I'm still hanging on, but there's no point because I don't feel I can fully control it. When you've loved someone, it doesn't just go away that easily. It has to wear off I guess. Or be replaced with something else, and I have nothing to replace it with at this point in time. If he did call, I probably wouldn't even answer... because I would be caught between wanting to b***h him out for all the horrible things he did, and trying to give it yet another chance. It would feel great to tell him to eff off. So I know that waiting is pointless, but I don't know how to stop. "Lettting it go" and "moving on" are very easy to say, but extremely hard to do.

 

Thanks again for caring, though. I know it's extremely frustrating to watch someone care about something that they "shouldn't."

[Ksol9]

I've been back quite a few times to write and respond, but couldn't find enough quiet time. Things have been going ok in my relationship. We'be had some ups and downs, but since I was last here to update, I've made it a goal to stop worrying about trivial matters i.e. Instagram, Facebook etc. I honestly think the 5htp is helping as well. I made it my goal not to submerge myself in worry about my doubts. It's still in the back of my mind that he may reach out to women from his past, but I'm not allowing it to overtake me. It really was robbing me..us..of happiness.

 

If you remember the last time I wrote, there was mention of him going out of town. He decided not to go. Things were rocky between us for a few days prior. He won't say it was because of us, but I know he decided not to go because it would have created more tension between us. We've been back together for about 2 months now. I know regainig trust doesn't happen overnight and I shouldn't force myself to move faster than I can. There are many days we take steps backwards, but we are both trying so hard. If by the slim chance he is fooling me, he's doing a good job of it.

 

I knew it wouldn't be long before the subject of out of town work came up again. He has to go out of town tomorrow morning and will be back Tuesday. He is going with some other employees. He has been on the phone off and on with them today about preparations for tomorrow. I'm certain this trip is solely for work and this time, he isn't leaving in the middle of conflict. The other guys wil stay until Wednesday or Thursday. He will be back Tuesday. I haven't expressed my anxiety and I'm trying my best not to show it. I'm feeling a little indifferent about it all I guess. I just want him to go and come back so it can be over with. I guess I'm in need of some moral support and that's why I'm writing tonight.

 

I know this is his livlihood and I'm sure there will be more traveling to come once the children move. It's just so much for me sometimes. It's hard for me to be optimistic when I have this email incident in the back of my mind. I keep thinking how I should never be worrying about something like this at this point in my life. Who in their early thirties needs to be worrying about things like that in a relationship. At this point in my life I need a stable relationship and I need to live with purpose and direction. Although I wish our communication was in better condition, I do think it is much better than it has ever been.

 

I just hope all goes smoothly with this overnight trip. I hope he's not that stupid to try the things he did before. Even if he did I don't think I'd even find out about it. Let me stop here before my thoughts begin to drift again. Be back later to respond to the other posts.

 

Hope you all are doing well....special hello to lostlove, I hope you're well..miss chatting with you.

[Ksol9]

It's 5:30am. He gave me a long hug and kiss before he left. He must have whispered I love you a handful of times. I wanted to cry. I said in my head..don't be dramatic, don't be dramatic. Lol I want to cry. He's only going for one night. Lovers need some time apart. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. As I opened my eyes this morning, all I was thinking about is what if this man is just fooling me? What if he easily says he loves me and will have another woman in his hotel room tonight? There are people who do these things. I'm not feeling very good inside. I'm feeling worse than I thought I would. I'm anxious, afraid, and vulnerable. He doesn't even know the extent of what I'm feeling inside. What I went through with those emails was not easy and I knew it would have lasting effects. I don't know what I can do to soothe what I am feeling right now.

 

It's scary to think he could do something like that. Am I wrong to be thinking and feeling this way? He has told me many times he never slept with that woman. I will never know what really happened. I believe those emails were sent with the intention to see her. Things were very unstable between us at that time. We had a huge fight that day, but who is to say, even when things are ok between us, like it is today, that he wouldn't do something like that again? I'm scared. I don't want to go to work. I have to get the children up for school in 10 minutes. This is going to be a long day.

[Ksol9]

Just wanted to stop by to update...

 

America has a new president! What a race huh? I wasn't a big supporter of either candidate, but one thing I know for sure, America is the greatest country in the world and my hope is that our leader will lead us into better and greater things. It will be interesting to see what develops in his term.

 

As for me and my sweetheart. We are doing ok. I'm learning to manage my anxieties. I realized this isn't just about me. I've been quite selfish. A lot of what I write is me, me, me. While I come first, my loved ones are also effected if I'm not in the best mood. If I am pestering him about my insecurities and doubts, he isn't in peace..he can not perform well at work, the children are worried because they can sense tension between us, and my anxiety eats away at my soul ever so slowly. That just isn't the way to handle things. I am so proud of myself for the way I've been handling everything lately. I've handled myself with poise. Although, I was filled with anxiety about his overnight trip for work, I didn't show it. Instead I decided to support him and deal with my emotions the best way I knew how. Having doubts is absolutely normal after reconcilingafter a breakup..regardless of the reasons behind the breakup. There are issues that need to be resolved and they don't happen overnight. Especially infidelity issues, my therapist suggests it can take up to a year and many times it will get worse before getting better.

 

Without having to ask him, my guy called every few hours to let me know what he was doing. After work, we were on the phone through the night. He was extremely considerate about the entire thing. It's like he knew what I was going through. Everything went smoothly and he came home last night.

 

I think I've made some significant changes since the Instagram issue a few weeks ago. There were things said to me on this forum especially from bluefields and lostlove that really stuck with me. I've changed my attitude about doubting him and as a result, I'm managing each day better and better. I hope I can continue to be consistent because the only way our relationship will grow is if we focus on building trust. Things are not where they should be but we are commmitted. It really is a gradual process.

 

My therapist is moving and she has extended an option for us to continue sessions through skype. It will be once a week or 2 times a month. I think that is a great transition because ultimately, I don't want to be in counseling forever.

 

It is getting closer and closer to the time for the children to move. I am growing more and more sad each day. I still fear a lot of things. I fear the changes it will mean for our relationship and I fear the distance that will grow between us and the children. It will be strange not having them around to watch them learn and grow. Truly heartbreaking.

 

I'm still taking things day by day and each day that passes I fall more in love with this man. I pray everyday he doesn't take that for granted. We've experienced a lot of tragedy, but i don't know one love story that has not seen its own trials and tribulations. No relationship is perfect and every relationship goes through ups and downs...even breaks.

 

One last thing..my therapist suggested I make a list called "catch your partner doing something right"

For one week, make a list everyday of things, big and small, of nice things your partner does for you. I'm such a negative person that all I focus on is bad things he does or could be doing..with the list, I am realizing he actually does do some special things for me and does treat me with love and respect. Just something about seeing it on paper. It works! For any of you who have gotten back together or are in a new relationship and may be going through a rough time...try this exercise.

 

Lostlove, I have not heard from you. I hope you are well. I check in daily just to see if you've updated on your story. I hope you're doing alright. Hugs!

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. Hugs back to you! I'm so glad to hear that things are going well between you and your guy. I know you still have fears and worries and anxieties, but the important thing is that you're working to keep them under control, and he's working to help put you at ease. That's huge! It will take time on both your parts, but you're both doing the best you can and you're both making improvements, and that's what matters. Strive for progress, not perfection, and you will be okay. Really happy for you

 

I didn't realize it had been a week or more since I updated. It feels like just the other day for some reason. He hasn't called, obviously You'll be one of the very first people I rush to tell if he ever does. I told you about the older woman in the last update; but she hasn't posted anything else about the two of them, so I guess it was short-lived and not that serious. Married woman still appears to be at home with her family, where she belongs. I have no way of knowing if they talk on the phone or communicate in any way. But now in the last couple days, he's left flirty comments on a girl's page who we went to high school with. I don't really know her, but she seems to be another of these rough-around-the-edges types. He seems to go for easy and sleazy. I don't understamd it, because we could have something so amazing if he would just put forth the effort and back up all the words he said over and over. I guess it's the commitment-phobia thing. I still feel so hurt and angry and betrayed. I'm slowly working through the feelings, on my own timeline. Despite all the good I saw in him, he's a person of low character - he'd have to be in order to do all he's done, what with all he did to me and then being a home wrecker on top of that. I keep telling myself this, but half of me still just remembers all the good. I'll move on eventually. I don't think he'll ever call.

 

I have a lot going on through Monday, but then hopefully my time will be more free again, so I hope we can keep chatting on a semi-regular basis. Keep doing what you're doing, and maybe things will gradually get easier. I'm glad to hear that you'll be able to continue with your therapist via Skype! That kind of transition will be much easier than losing her all at once. More hugs, and talk again soon!

[lostlove76]

Hi again ksol. I'm crying and can't sleep, and need somewhere to express my emotions right now. I'm pms'ing, and it's just been one of those days. I feel really sad, and I miss him. I thought for sure that he would probably call when the married woman finally left, and even if I didn't answer or trust him enough to give talking to him a try, it might have provided some feeling of closure or satisfaction or something. Just SOMETHING to relieve this ongoing pain. But he didn't call, because he yet again moved right on to the next, with zero down time in between. I thought maybe he and the older lady weren't actually a thing, but she tagged him tonight - she was hanging out at his work with him. On top of that, he added one of her friends on Facebook, and this woman actually seems like a normal and good person, and she's very attractive. The older lady seems sweet, but honestly looks like she could be his mother. Then he was flirting with the girl from our high school the other day. So if it's not one girl, it's another. Girl after girl after girl, back to back and overlapping. What does he need me for? He doesn't. He has plenty of options all lined up. I must really have meant nothing at all to him. The only small consolation is that the married woman must not have either, since he moved on from her immediately as well.

 

As horrible as everything he did was, I really just MISS him so much. I miss all the time we spent together when he lived here, and I miss our 5-hour long phone convos we had after he moved, which were always so full of how much we loved each other and meant to each other. He didn't have to say all that if he didn't mean it. He was 4 hours away. But for almost 6 months, he called every other night and told me how in love with me he was, and how he wanted me to move there. And it's like he just forgot all of it the second the married woman showed up, and he never looked back. I don't see how he could be serious about this older lady - she seems sweet and fun, but she has wrinkles and grandkids. Which is fine, but just seems such an odd pairing. If he's not serious about her, then I feel sure his sights are now on this attractive woman he just added. She has grandkids too, but looks our age.

 

I don't think I'll ever quit missing him or wishing he would call. I know I'll never find anyone else I'm attracted to or jnterested in. It's just not going to happen. He was it. He was the one. He said I was the one as well, that I was perfect for him, but he obviously didn't mean it or else he would be calling. Even if he lost my number, he could reach me through Facebook. He's just not thinking of me anymore.

 

Thanks for listening, I just needed to get it all out. I hope you're doing well and had a good day. Hugs.

[Ksol9]

Hi again ksol. I'm crying and can't sleep, and need somewhere to express my emotions right now. I'm pms'ing, and it's just been one of those days. I feel really sad, and I miss him. I thought for sure that he would probably call when the married woman finally left, and even if I didn't answer or trust him enough to give talking to him a try, it might have provided some feeling of closure or satisfaction or something. Just SOMETHING to relieve this ongoing pain. But he didn't call, because he yet again moved right on to the next, with zero down time in between. I thought maybe he and the older lady weren't actually a thing, but she tagged him tonight - she was hanging out at his work with him. On top of that, he added one of her friends on Facebook, and this woman actually seems like a normal and good person, and she's very attractive. The older lady seems sweet, but honestly looks like she could be his mother. Then he was flirting with the girl from our high school the other day. So if it's not one girl, it's another. Girl after girl after girl, back to back and overlapping. What does he need me for? He doesn't. He has plenty of options all lined up. I must really have meant nothing at all to him. The only small consolation is that the married woman must not have either, since he moved on from her immediately as well.

 

As horrible as everything he did was, I really just MISS him so much. I miss all the time we spent together when he lived here, and I miss our 5-hour long phone convos we had after he moved, which were always so full of how much we loved each other and meant to each other. He didn't have to say all that if he didn't mean it. He was 4 hours away. But for almost 6 months, he called every other night and told me how in love with me he was, and how he wanted me to move there. And it's like he just forgot all of it the second the married woman showed up, and he never looked back. I don't see how he could be serious about this older lady - she seems sweet and fun, but she has wrinkles and grandkids. Which is fine, but just seems such an odd pairing. If he's not serious about her, then I feel sure his sights are now on this attractive woman he just added. She has grandkids too, but looks our age.

 

I don't think I'll ever quit missing him or wishing he would call. I know I'll never find anyone else I'm attracted to or jnterested in. It's just not going to happen. He was it. He was the one. He said I was the one as well, that I was perfect for him, but he obviously didn't mean it or else he would be calling. Even if he lost my number, he could reach me through Facebook. He's just not thinking of me anymore.

 

Thanks for listening, I just needed to get it all out. I hope you're doing well and had a good day. Hugs.

 

Hi lostlove,

 

Sorry I didn't get to you sooner. I hope by now you've gotten some rest and hopefully you are in better spirits. I sorry you're going through so much pain. His dating patterns, I don't even think it's dating..shows he is just having a good time. He is being a typical single male. He is not serious or exclusive with anyone and is not in any commitments right now. If you pay close attention to any guy on Facebook and who is single, you will find they are leaving comments, flirting with other women. I just know how gut wrenching it is to see things like this, but I think by all the things you have seen, you can be assured that he is not in a committed relationship or emotionally involved with anyone.

 

I respect everyone who posts on this thread. I respect their views and opinions. Many have told you to stop looking, that it is just not going to help you, but I know (because we are so much alike) your attachment to him is too great. There has been so much time that has passed and you are feeling like he is not thinking of you. I think he could say the same for you. Missing him is the hardest part. I remember when my guy and I were apart. It truly was one of the worst things I've ever experienced. The pain you feel in your chest is indescribable.

 

Do you feel deep in your heart that what he did is unforgiveable? When he moved, the main issue was a commitment and his reluctance to help you move closer to him to start a life together. I think something to think about is, if you were to get into contact and the feelings were still there mutually, is it likely the same committment issues would be there? Has he ever been married or any long term relationships other than yours? I think I recalll you saying he doesn't have children, correct? Has he ever spoken about marriage and settling down? Sometimes men who have committment issues steer very clear of conversations like this even when deep down inside they eventually want that kind of connection with someone.

 

I know you've said many times that you would not contact him. I still feel that after so much time has passed, it might be something to consider. Maybe that will help you to finally put these emotions and feelings to rest. Even if you decide to leave him behind. Maybe that is what you need in order to realize this is not what you want in a partner. I know how stubborn I can be. My guy is not perfect. He has messed up. He has commitment issues for sure. That was certainly the reason behind the first break up. He has also made some very poor choices that I am still struggling to understand if these were mistakes or ongoing patterns. I could have walked away and cited this man is not a good person and that he has done irrevocable wrong to me. Instead I decided, because I felt in my heart, that this is something we can work through. I still want marriage and children and I don't know if him and I will make it there. I don't even know if that is something he wants with me. Those are all things you need to sit down with yourself and think through. Write a list if you have to. Write a list of things you still want to accomplish in your life. I think I remember you saying you're a bit older than me, so maybe you don't want children.

 

It doesn't matter who initiates contact after enough time has passed in my opinion. You will either be met with rejection or you will then have to make a big decision about your life. If you feel he will only bring you grief, then that is something you need to keep in mind. Also, the long distance relationship may pose a problem as you wouldn't be making plans to move right away until there is progress between the both of. I think you really need to look at the relationship(potential) realistically and objectively. This may help you come to terms. I know he feels you don't want anything to do with him and that is why he has given up. I know had I rejected my guy a couple times..he would have left me alone.

 

By no means am I encouraging you to contact him if you don't want. I want you to look at things from a different perspective and think about what you want in your life short and long term. Life is what YOU make it. I know this is causing you a great deal of hurt. There is also one more thing to consider, he hasn't spent time alone with his thoughts. It is woman after woman and so I'm inclined to think if you were both to get into contact, he may still unsure about what he wants, BUT we don't know what he is going through or what conclusions he has come to about what he wants out of life. I'm still hoping one day to come back and read a turn of events.

 

Please don't ever say you will never find someone else. Or find that connection again. There is a plan for us all. You ARE going to be ok. Sending you lots of hugs. I hope you are feeling better by now.

 

As for me, I'm going to a wedding tonight. I committed to going during our break so he won't be in attendance with me. I actually need a little time apart from him. Things are ok between us but my negative thoughts are taking over the past couple of days. I've promised myself that I will not act or react to my thoughts. There has been nothing, zero, that has happened for me to think he is cheating. I still fear he may be in contact (email or text) with other women without me knowing. It's ok for me to have these doubts but we will never move forward if I continue to make problems because I assume or suspect. I haven't even picked up his phone to look through it. The love is there and we've come a long way. We are about to give the children back to their mother and our lives will change drasticallly. This may give him and I more time to bond and grow or it may mean the end of our relationship as it may deteriorate. Funny how circumstances can make a person change. I'm scared, but I pray everyday that we make it...even against the odds.

 

Have faith lostlove. Everything does happen for a reason and in the end it happens for the best.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol, thank you so much for taking the time to write back. I'm still feeling really emotional, and it made me cry to read it - not in a bad way, but in a thankful way, knowing that someone cares and truly understands. I only got about an hour of sleep, if that. Today is going to be a busy day, dogsitting and preparing for the yard sale. I need to eat and then leave in half an hour to go walk the dog. But I hope to find some time later to sit down and reply to all you said. If we don't talk again before you leave tonight, I hope you enjoy the wedding. You deserve to relax and have a nice time. Hugs, and talk more soon.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. It's been a busy couple of days, but I finally have time to sit down and write. I hope you enjoyed the wedding and had a good weekend! Remind me again what date the kids are leaving? I honestly think it will bring you closer together rather than make the relationship deteriorate. He will need you more than ever, and getting through the transition together will create further bonding. I know you fear change, and I know you're sad that they're leaving. But I'm not worried that it will damage your relationship at all. I think your best bet is to continue learning to focus on the positive on a daily basis, as well as striving to have faith that things will work themselves out. It's hard, I know. Just takes lots of practice to retrain your way of thinking! I'm proud of you that you're working so hard to improve in this area.

 

Thanks again so much for understand how I'm feeling, with a complete lack of judgement. It means so much to me. You're right that I'm still too attached to quit page-checking right now. If I tried to stop, it would take so much willpower that it would be constantly on my mind anyhow, so I may as well look.

 

You made a good point about him acting like a typical uncommitted single male, with all his flirting and involvement with different women. The married woman lasted about 4 months (with him kicking her out a couple times during that, it seemed) but I guess that was pretty short-lived in the grand scheme of things. I can't imagine him being serious about the older woman; she's probably just fun company. My main worry now is the attractive woman he just added the other day. She seems smart, quiet and calm, independent, nice, and normal - I can just see them connecting and building a relationship on a deep emotional basis, like we had. She won't put up with his crap, because she values herself - so he'll treat her better. Sigh, I already have it all worked out in my head. She's really pretty and I just know he'll fall for her, and she'll fall for him because he's so amazing in so many ways.

 

Do you feel deep in your heart that what he did is unforgiveable? When he moved, the main issue was a commitment and his reluctance to help you move closer to him to start a life together. I think something to think about is, if you were to get into contact and the feelings were still there mutually, is it likely the same committment issues would be there? Has he ever been married or any long term relationships other than yours? I think I recalll you saying he doesn't have children, correct? Has he ever spoken about marriage and settling down? Sometimes men who have committment issues steer very clear of conversations like this even when deep down inside they eventually want that kind of connection with someone.

I really do feel like what he did was horrible and unforgivable. At the same time, I know I would forgive him in a heartbeat if he came back and wanted to commit. Trust would be extremely difficult, but I would give it a go. His refusal to fully commit has always been the problem. He would say the right words, he would talk about being together forever, he even asked me to marry him towards the end - but then he gets freaked out about it and withdraws periodically. Neither of us have or want kids, but he would make little comments like "If you and me had a baby, it would be the smartest baby in the world" (lol) - kind of like he was picturing it, but we both have said we definitely don't want kids. When he brought up marriage, he said "Will you marry me?" and I said "Yes, I would marry you." And he said "No, not WOULD you marry me. WILL you marry me? I'm asking you right now, will you marry me?" Then the next time or two that we talked is when he told me about having met the married woman at some point, and that's when I knew I had to be done. I was already frustrated that he kept talking about me living there, yet kept putting it off, and I had given him an ultimatum about it. He was married when he was in his 20's, and it only lasted a few years or less. I know he's cheated on everyone he's been with, and done the withdrawing and disappearing acts. So yes, he has major commitment issues that have always existed. Will he ever change? I don't know. He has so many options with other women because he's so charming and good-looking and flirty. And he told me one time that when someone gets attached, he can't handle it. He was opening up to me when he said this, and said it was okay that I was attached and that he was too, and this was in the midst of him telling me how in love with me he was and how he'd never loved anyone like that before. He has intimacy issues, big time. He claims that he never loved his ex-wife. Said he had never been in love before me. I don't know how true that is. He was also in a 3-year on and off relationship, two years of which they lived together. She said he disappeared all the time for days or a week, off cheating or drinking. I believe all of this to be "distancing techniques," as you may have read about in your research on commitment-phobia and avoidant attachment.

 

I'm sorry I'm writing so much. I just value your opinion so much, so I'm trying to be thorough in answering your questions. Let me post this and then finish the rest in a separate post.

[lostlove76]

It doesn't matter who initiates contact after enough time has passed in my opinion. You will either be met with rejection or you will then have to make a big decision about your life. If you feel he will only bring you grief, then that is something you need to keep in mind. Also, the long distance relationship may pose a problem as you wouldn't be making plans to move right away until there is progress between the both of. I think you really need to look at the relationship(potential) realistically and objectively. This may help you come to terms. I know he feels you don't want anything to do with him and that is why he has given up. I know had I rejected my guy a couple times..he would have left me alone.

 

By no means am I encouraging you to contact him if you don't want. I want you to look at things from a different perspective and think about what you want in your life short and long term. Life is what YOU make it. I know this is causing you a great deal of hurt. There is also one more thing to consider, he hasn't spent time alone with his thoughts. It is woman after woman and so I'm inclined to think if you were both to get into contact, he may still unsure about what he wants, BUT we don't know what he is going through or what conclusions he has come to about what he wants out of life. I'm still hoping one day to come back and read a turn of events.

 

It is so difficult to quote specific text on the phone, grrrr.

 

I can't see myself ever contacting him. I think if I was met with rejection - either by him not answering, or indicating that he didn't want anything beyond friendship - it would really do me in. It would hurt both my pride and my heart, and I just don't think I can take that risk. And it's a huge risk, because like you said, he's been involved with two or more women back to back, plus flirting with others, and has had no time to reflect or even miss me at all. I imagine he's either having loads of fun, or numbing himself to anything and everything by drinking, and avoiding any potential loneliness by woman-hopping. He doesn't want to be alone, but he doesn't want to commit. It's very discouraging that he's had zero time to miss me. It bothers me so much that he just moves on to the next and the next and the next. I feel sure that if he hadn't done that, he WOULD have missed me and kept trying - because he did it before, so many times, until the married woman showed up.

 

You're right that I do need to think about relationship potential, given that he's four hours away. It was so hard being that far apart, and the gap wouldn't close unless he moved back here, or committed to me moving there. I don't want long-distance indefinitely. He would have to really be committed for anything to work, if he came back.

 

But honestly, I think he just moved on, months ago. I feel like there would have to be perfect circumstances in order for him to want me back - first and foremost, no other women in the current time or on the horizon. And that will never happen, because he's full of options and seemingly has no specific set of standards or qualities that he's looking for. Anyone will do, apparently.

 

I try to remind myself how much I did reject him, like you've reminded me; I would rather that be the reason he gave up rather than that I just meant nothing to him. And I think back to the very end, when he did try calling over and over again for 2 1/2 weeks before I finally talked to him for the last time and just yelled at him. Then he called again 2 1/2 weeks after that, and I didn't answer because I knew married woman had been down there during that time. Maybe he believes that if he tried now, I would ignore. Or maybe he knows I would ask questions that he wouldn't want to answer. He doesn't know that I know what he's been up to this whole time.

 

I'm sorry again that I wrote so much, and that my thoughts are kind of scattered. I don't want to overwhelm you with such long posts. But thank you for listening and being here. It helps to write it all out. Let me know how you're doing, and we'll talk again soon. Hugs!

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove,

 

I just wanted to write you a quick note to let you know I read your post and will respond later. I want to be able to write a detailed response and it's really difficult to quote and proofread on my iPhone. Hope you are doing ok.

 

Today is my guy's bday. We will be going out to dinner tonight. Lately, I have this strong sense of anxiety. I keep thinking about his intentions with the emails and what could possibly happen in the future or even what is going on right under my nose. We are trying to make preparations to move in a couple weeks. He hasn't signed a new lease as of yet so that is adding to my anxiety. I feel like I've been on a roller coaster ride and I've been inclining, bracing myself for the drop. Children are leaving at the end of December..preparations for that trip haven't been made yet. My worrying is in overdrive about our relationship and what it will become in the next few months. I don't feel secured about he wants long term. It's driving me insane. I can't get rid of those thoughts and All the other thoughts that manifest from that.

 

Will talk to you soon.

[lostlove76]

Hi lostlove,

 

I just wanted to write you a quick note to let you know I read your post and will respond later. I want to be able to write a detailed response and it's really difficult to quote and proofread on my iPhone. Hope you are doing ok.

 

Today is my guy's bday. We will be going out to dinner tonight. Lately, I have this strong sense of anxiety. I keep thinking about his intentions with the emails and what could possibly happen in the future or even what is going on right under my nose. We are trying to make preparations to move in a couple weeks. He hasn't signed a new lease as of yet so that is adding to my anxiety. I feel like I've been on a roller coaster ride and I've been inclining, bracing myself for the drop. Children are leaving at the end of December..preparations for that trip haven't been made yet. My worrying is in overdrive about our relationship and what it will become in the next few months. I don't feel secured about he wants long term. It's driving me insane. I can't get rid of those thoughts and All the other thoughts that manifest from that.

 

Will talk to you soon.

 

Hi ksol. I'm up late drinking wine because I have nothing I have to do tomorrow - my absolute favorite kind of day. I hope the birthday dinner went well. I totally empathize with all the anxiety, even in the absence of anything concrete (currently) to warrant it. He would have to be a horrible person to be doing anything behind your back at this point, and I don't get that sense about him. I don't think he's purposely malicious. I think he knows what he did wrong before, and it's too soon for him to slip into doing it again given that you guys just got back together. I'm not suggesting he'll do it later - just saying that he surely wouldn't be doing it right now. Even with his potential or probable commitment issues, he's miles ahead of what my ex was. He's living with you, by choice, and not waffling about it. As for contacting other women... I'm sure he realizes that you will be done if he does it again, and he doesn't want that. He doesn't want to lose you. So I'm feeling optimistic that he's learned his lesson.

 

Nothing new to report on my end. I don't know who, or how many, girls he's involved with. I just know that he's not calling me. And I highly doubt he will ever move back here. Sometimes I try to just accept that this is how things are sometimes - we can't always be with the one we love. Some people just aren't good people who stand by their word and remain loyal. He said a lot of deep and wonderful things about how he felt about us, but he didn't follow through. Maybe it's the avoidant attachment style that makes it easy for him to just move on to the next with zero care or upset. I'm still very angry about how much hurt he caused me, and the fact that he just doesn't give a crap. At least (I think) it wasn't about me, since he's done this to every girl.

 

Hugs. Talk soon.

[lostlove76]

Hi again. Well, some time between late last night and this morning, he and married woman added each other back on Facebook It's the last thing I expected to see. I thought they were done with each other. She's been with her husband this whole time, seemingly on good terms. Now she's fb friend with both her husband and her affair partner. I don't know if she went back to my ex's town yesterday. She did share one of those quote things that said "be with someone who will drive five hours just to see you for one." Unreal. I thought maybe she didn't consider them "together" before, that she was just using him for somewhere to stay because she still loved her husband. But if that was the case, she'd just never talk to him again.

 

I just feel deflated. I need to give all this up, because he's obviously never going to call, and I'm never going to get the happy ending I was hoping for. I need to give up all the hope, all the wishing and waiting for him to realize he loves me and call, all the memories and yearning for what used to be, all the anger at how hugely he betrayed me so many months ago. All of it. I just don't know how you forget someone and make them a nonissue in your mind and heart when they meant so much to you for so long.

[lostlove76]

Hi, just wanted to give another quick update. I'll keep it short. Since he and married woman added each other back on fb, she's been sharing relationship quotes and quotes about not wanting to be stuck in the wrong place, blah blah blah. If she didn't already run back down there today, she's about two seconds from it. The older woman he's been seeing posted a meme last night that said "Babe she's just a friend" and underneath that, it says "Me with a cartoon girl shooting the bird. She tagged him in it. So he obviously told her married woman is just a friend, and she's smart enough to know better and is upset about it. So he'll have to become distant towards her til she gets mad and he's free to invite trashy girl back down there. I just can't believe this! After all that drama, and now she whines a little about missing "home" and she'll be right back down there before ya know it. They obviously have feelings, or they wouldn't even be talking again. She's posting all this crap in plain view of her husband on Facebook, after being back home with him for the past month or so. I felt so much relief when she left, and I thought that was surely it. Even if he never called me again. I just can't stand the thought of him being with this horrible selfish person - which makes him equally horrible and selfish. Neither of them care that they're hurting her husband and this older lady. They just don't care at all. It bothers me so much that there are people like this in the world, and that because they just do whatever they want, they experience no consequences. Zero regard for anyone else.

 

Sorry, this turned into a venting post. It seems clear to me that she'll never keep away, and I'm therefore nothing but ancient history to him. They'll start over and be in the honeymoon phase again, and it'll last a few months until they fall out again. It may be on and off, but it may last forever. I really thought they were done with each other, and it was such a letdown to see them add each other back. Ugh.

 

Hope you're doing well, ksol. Talk soon.

[JaggerJim]

Why are you looking at this stuff? And why are you still able to see what he and she are posting?!?!?

[lostlove76]

Why are you looking at this stuff? And why are you still able to see what he and she are posting?!?!?

 

Her page is public. His is private, so (luckily?) I can't see his. It's really hard to stop. I've had a really hard time letting go in my mind and heart. It was on and off for two years, so it's been hard to accept that this time was finally "off" for good. I kept thinking that once she was out of the picture, he would call me and we would have another chance, as pathetic as that may sound. So I look at her stuff to see if they're together or not. But if she does go back down there, which as I said, it seems inevitable... I'll have to quit torturing myself with it, because they'll never be done, and he'll never call me again. Long story about why I would even still want him back, but I loved him, ya know? We were good together. His commitment issues were what messed everything up. If not for that, things could have been good. It's hard to let go of the "what ifs" and "if onlys."

[browneyedgirl36]

Her page is public. His is private, so (luckily?) I can't see his. It's really hard to stop. I've had a really hard time letting go in my mind and heart. It was on and off for two years, so it's been hard to accept that this time was finally "off" for good. I kept thinking that once she was out of the picture, he would call me and we would have another chance, as pathetic as that may sound. So I look at her stuff to see if they're together or not. But if she does go back down there, which as I said, it seems inevitable... I'll have to quit torturing myself with it, because they'll never be done, and he'll never call me again. Long story about why I would even still want him back, but I loved him, ya know? We were good together. His commitment issues were what messed everything up. If not for that, things could have been good. It's hard to let go of the "what ifs" and "if onlys."

 

I haven't responded to any of your posts about this, lostlove, because I truly haven't known what to say that would be helpful, but I will say this: You're having trouble letting go precisely because you won't stop looking at her FB page. The more you involve immerse yourself in their drama, and speculate, and analyze, and over-analyze, the longer it will take you to let go. I know you don't want to hear this, but it is so, so true. There is nothing more true, in fact.

 

As for your comment "His commitment issues are what messed everything up. If not for that, things could have been good" -- I hope that, one day, in hindsight, you'll realize how NOT true this was. This guy was -- and is -- not just a commitment-phobe, but also an alcoholic, a cheater, someone with little integrity -- a really troubled person all the way around. You have dodged such a huge bullet here. Hell, a hail of bullets -- a whole arsenal. Saying that otherwise things would have been fine is like that old Abe Lincoln joke: "So, other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?"

 

I'm not trying to chastise you; as I've said before, I've been in your place, though without all the looking at Facebook, and I can honestly say that, when I look back now, I can barely remember how I used to feel about him. In fact, I ran into him the other day (we work together but rarely see each other anymore), and I felt NOTHING. He, on the other hand, looked pretty uncomfortable.

 

I hope the same for you -- that one day, there will be some catalyst that will prompt you to finally let go. It was the best thing I ever did, and now, I don't even recognize the person I was back then. And, I've got a GREAT person in my life, which would NEVER have happened had I not let go. He's kind, loving, hilarious, adorable, and he treats me like gold. I truly believe that he came into my life because I finally believed I deserved someone good. I hope the same can happen for you someday.

[lostlove76]

Hi BEG, good to see you, and so glad to hear that you're in a good place right now

 

I do need some catalyst that causes me to move on. I don't know what that will be. I'm working more, I've had things going on to occupy my thoughts and time, and yet still this remains a constant source of pain.

 

Thanks for commenting. I'll think through what you said, along with the comments the others left on my thread. Again, so glad that you're happy and doing well

[SparklyBoots]

Lostlove - like BEG I have read all this and not really known what to say but her advice is spot on...just do yourself a massive favour and block them all...until you do this you don't stand a hope of healing yourself.....I know from much pain and bitter experience in my own life - the ex I first came here for I kept on FB for 2 years, I just couldn't let go completely....2 years of pain and wasted life, watching him move on....I didn't even begin to get real about stuff until I blocked him completely....it was really hard and painful at the time but it was the best thing ever. I know you don't feel like you can do this right now (I didn't for such a long time) but when you do do it, the relief is soon immense and healing comes soooooo fast.....honestly....you are doing everything else right to get over stuff....you just need that final little effort.....we are all rooting for you and feel your pain (we have been there) and wish you over it too xxx

[lostlove76]

Lostlove - like BEG I have read all this and not really known what to say but her advice is spot on...just do yourself a massive favour and block them all...until you do this you don't stand a hope of healing yourself.....I know from much pain and bitter experience in my own life - the ex I first came here for I kept on FB for 2 years, I just couldn't let go completely....2 years of pain and wasted life, watching him move on....I didn't even begin to get real about stuff until I blocked him completely....it was really hard and painful at the time but it was the best thing ever. I know you don't feel like you can do this right now (I didn't for such a long time) but when you do do it, the relief is soon immense and healing comes soooooo fast.....honestly....you are doing everything else right to get over stuff....you just need that final little effort.....we are all rooting for you and feel your pain (we have been there) and wish you over it too xxx

 

Hi SparklyBoots, thanks for your compassion. It helps to hear that you did this for two years, so I know I'm not the only one. I don't know why it's so extremely hard to stop. It truly is like an addiction. Even when I see things that bring me way down, like him adding her back... it's like this morbid curiosity, this need to know. "Bitter" is the perfect word for how I feel. I hate them both, even while wanting him back. I don't know what I can say other than I'll stop when I feel ready, and I haven't felt ready to stop yet. Forcing myself to stop just seems like it will keep it on my mind constantly anyhow, as the itch will always be there to look.

[HailMary85]

Hi SparklyBoots, thanks for your compassion. It helps to hear that you did this for two years, so I know I'm not the only one. I don't know why it's so extremely hard to stop. It truly is like an addiction. Even when I see things that bring me way down, like him adding her back... it's like this morbid curiosity, this need to know. "Bitter" is the perfect word for how I feel. I hate them both, even while wanting him back. I don't know what I can say other than I'll stop when I feel ready, and I haven't felt ready to stop yet. Forcing myself to stop just seems like it will keep it on my mind constantly anyhow, as the itch will always be there to look.

 

Lostlove76 - I've been creeping this thread a bit as well, and wanted to offer you my love and thoughts.

 

I know, especially with the on/off nature of a relationship, how truly impossible it can seem to finally move on, and believe that this was truly the "last time."

 

My ex and I went back and forth so many times in the last 2 months of our relationship, that I am still dealing with denial 2.5 months after I have moved out. He's not budging this time.

 

I was obsessed looking at his fb as well. I unfriended him when I moved out, but couldn't help from just looking at his profile. What gets me, is that he still has recent public profile pics of him and I in obvious couple poses. With cute comments from everyone. I have untagged and deleted every trace of him. What kept me going back was monitoring his "likes" to see if there were any new females on the scene, and to see if he would ever take down our pics.

 

I know it will ruin me once I see one or the other. Last night I blocked him. I feel a little childish and have battled thoughts of undoing - but honestly, I feel so much at peace now. Not 100%, but I probably feel about 50% better than yesterday. That mixed feeling of hope/dread kept me in a knot. That anxiety is gone. If he moves on, I will now never know. And it's FANTASTIC.

 

I get you're in a different situation, given you've already seen this new woman on the scene, so it's an addictive cycle - but given what I've heard about this dude, I bet blocking him would not only help YOU - but make him more curious about where you're at. Human nature. Do the best thing for yourself, don't push too much - but if you ever get a random moment of strength - seize it. Push through for a couple of days. And if you really can't hack it - it's not irreversible. It's in your control. Be kind to yourself.

 

My thoughts are with you tonight. Xox

[lostlove76]

Thanks so much for your encouragment Mary, and my thoughts are with you as well. It's soooo hard, isn't it? Breakups and heartbreak. I'm sorry you're going through it too. I completely understand what you mean about still being in denial. Congrats on blocking him - don't worry about it seeming childish - it isn't, and you have to do what's best for you. Lots of hugs!

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone!

 

So many people are showing care and concern for you lostlove. This has to mean something. Especially from those who HAVE been in your shoes at one point in their lives. I could see myself falling into that addictive cycle had my boyfriend went on with his life. Had he never contacted me, I would still be trolling Facebook looking for what I could come up with about what was going on in his life and in my aftermath. Everyday was an internal struggle and just pure misery. It was like something plaguing my life. I remember finding the strength to stop for a few hours or I would sleep through the evenings and well into the night, but before long I was convincing myself that I'd take just a peak.

 

Hailmary85 said some things that really resonated with me regarding your situation. She said blocking will not only help you but may even make him curious about where you went. That truly is hunan nature...to wonder about exs and what they are up to. She also said in your moments of strength...use it to the best of your ability to stop looking. Even if it's for a short break. She's so right...be kind to yourself.

 

Really and truly...this is about you. You have to try to break this attachment someway somehow, even if deep in your heart you don't want to. Should he come back, you will be in a healthy place. I think you've made a lot of progress in these few months. You've changed your schedule. Work seems to be more demanding and you've even taken time out to just rest and recouperate after moments of dehibiltating weakness. Remember I've been there. It's just a horrible time in your life. I empathize, but I do think the others are right about taking care of yourself and trying to move forward. I still..to this day...feel like every time I sign on, I'll read that you've had contact with him, but the big question is when. And that when could be sooner or later. We just don't know where this life could take either of you.

 

Time really does heal all wounds. It's just that during a breakup, the heartache process goes deathly slow. I really understand where the others are coming from and it seems that they are flooding you with feedback because they truly empathize as they've been in your shoes before. Their advice has to mean something and I genuinely hope it offers you some sort of comfort. Your ex doesn't seem to be slowing down. He is back and forth between women. I highly doubt there are any serious feelings involved. It is just his intertwinement with these women. You view it as he must have some sort of feelings to be going back and forth like this. I don't know what he is looking for, if even a committed relationship is on that list. Just know that he knows what he can have with you..a stable, committed relationship. He won't come looking for that until he is ready. And we all know, you can't force a man into being ready for commitment. This love things is just so difficult sometimes. I probably sound like I don't even know what I'm talking about. I've had quite a few unstable relationships including the one I'm in currently.

 

As for me, the past few days I've been feeling anxious and just plain discouraged about my future with him. Things are ok between us, but I guess because of the upcoming changes happening in the next month or so, I'm just not comfortable with it at all. I don't feel like my future is secure with him. I don't believe he is doing anything wrong at the moment, but what happens when he begins to feel complacent and does what he did before with the email incident. I know this whole process will take some time, but do I really want to live like this? Feeling like I'm taking a risk with this man? We don't talk about a future like children and starting a family. We can't even begin to talk about those things because there are so many worries that come with this move the children are going to make. Once again their mother is going to try to care for them. She has not done so well in the past and that is why he ended up with custody of them. She now says she is ready but there is still a level of doubt that comes with extreme anxiety and worry. That is basically his main focus right now. I've been feeling like I am not a priority and it's completely understandable, but what about my happiness. I've sacrificed a lot for this relationship and I know he doesn't owe me a ring or anything of the sort, but sometimes I feel like it's not worth it. Everything I've had to go through with him..was it worth it? I don't think he's looking for the kind of commitment I'm looking for. I'm not just looking cohabitate with him for the rest of my life. I want to get married and I want to start a life with someone and if it involves having children even better. I literally feel like I'm winging everything. I'm not going to pressure him or push him, but i would eventually like us to get to a place where we can focus on our relationship. I feel really sad at times because I know I deserve so much more. Being in a relationship with someone who has custody of his children is very challenging to say the least. Our relationship has not been able to flourish and grow as a normal couple would without children. It grows differently. I don't know what will happen when the children leave. Maybe we will have more time to finally spend with eachother, but being the negative person I am, I am preparing for the complete opposite. I am preparing for our destruction. I know what we focus on expands and I shouldn't focus on the negatives. I guess I'm just hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.

 

He has to go out of town Monday again. He will be back the following day. These overnight trips cause me a great deal of anxiety. I just don't know if this is what I want long term. To be a woman whose significant other travels and stays overnight from time to time. Is it really worth the anxiety and fear that he'all cheat? Sometimes I don't even feel like we have that strong of a relationship. Gosh I'm thinking all kinds of negative right now. I haven't slept well for the past few days. I'm going to shower and hit the hay early tonight. Maybe tomorrow will bring a lighter perspective.

 

Hope you all are well. Lostlove, I hope that you are hanging in there and talk to you soon.