Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[boltnrun]

Lost, you're still expending a lot of energy focusing on him and her and their lives.

 

Are you doing anything different to focus on your life? Have you set up an appointment with any of the counselors your mom found?

[lostlove76]

Lost, you're still expending a lot of energy focusing on him and her and their lives.

I know, I was thinking about that earlier today actually. Really not good. Sometimes I feel like I'm living vicariously through them, watching them enjoying life and having so much fun. Now they've been apart for a week, and I keep watching to see if they'll stay apart or get back together. It shouldn't even matter anymore if he and I never have another chance anyhow; it's not like he's called, and it's not like he's going to move back here, and I could never move there after everything that's happened.

 

Are you doing anything different to focus on your life? Have you set up an appointment with any of the counselors your mom found?

I've been busy working more, and trying to adjust to getting up earlier for the past week or so. This will last another couple weeks, so I'm putting off the counseling just until this is over. I've barely been able to get any sleep because I'm not used to falling asleep early and getting up early; a week ago I was getting maybe 3 hours a night, and now I'm maybe up to 6. But it's barely enough to function all day. So just trying to get through this, and then I'll do that!

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I'm sorry that it's once again been so long since I've checked in. I've been working more and on a new schedule for the past week; I don't deal well with change, and tend to let everything else slide until I get used to the new routine. I promise not to disappear, but sometimes it may take me a few days or a week to catch up.

 

How are things going now between you guys? Your trip to Orlando sounds like fun! I think your tendency to worry and push him away might be something that's very hard to overcome. Just like with myself, it's ingrained in you to be that way. Add what he did on top of that, and it's going to be hard for you to relax and trust, at least for a while. And that's okay - sounds like he is being understanding, even if defensive at times. I think you guys will be fine; it will just take some time to learn new ways of relating to each other, as well as learning to cope with any kind of messy feelings that arise separately and on your own.

 

Thank you so much for your comforting words about my situation - I really appreciate the kindness and empathy. And I actually agree with you. He knows I'm not going to accept sloppy seconds. He knows it's all or nothing for me, and that I won't settle for less. The problem is that he probably just won't call, given that. They've been broken up for a week and he hasn't called. She went back to her hometown for something, but it seems like she'll be going right back to his town very soon. So they could easily kiss and make up and start another round. They may do this for years. She is highly unstable, like you said. I really don't think I'll ever have another chance at he and I, but I feel better that they're on the outs, at least.

 

Let me know how you're doing when you get a chance!

 

 

Hi lostlove,

 

I come back to read responses often, but I just haven't found the quiet time to relax and write, but I am still here and you are still in my thoughts. Time changes everything. I read that you've got a new work schedule and that you're adjusting to the new hours. Just like you, I don't adapt well to change either. And sleep...oh how sleep is so important. It's vital actually. When you are already under so much pressure with your personal life, getting adequate sleep can help you manage it all. Without it, everything is just overwhelming. I remember during the breakup, if I didn't sleep well, it effected me quite a bit. I couldn't even get through the day sometimes. So if anything, try your best to make it a priority to get some extra hours of sleep whenever you can. Nap if you must. Self care is number one on the list.

 

I also read that you saw they were still broken up. I think I always expected them to break up and get back together a few times and finally this time looks like permanent. Regardless, I didn't see the relationship between them lasting very long because of her instability. I know that you said you've been checking on their pages still. I am wondering..now that you know they've broken up, have you thought about making contact with him? Is your feeling still the same? What if he lost your number? Remind me again, how long has it been since he last contacted? 4 months?

 

I still feel you will hear from him again. It may not be immediate, but if he still has a way to contact you, I think he will and it will be something light...just to say hi. I know many will tell you that you are doing yourself no good thinking about this man who appears to have long moved on, but you know my story very well...letting go in someone's absence is not as easy as people think. The heart wants what it wants. There is no bargaining with it either.

 

I am actually pleased to hear that there has been some sort of change in your life. Change challenges us, it forces us and it sounds like you are trying your best to manage and adjust. I keep feeling like everyday I come back to check....one of these days, I'll come back to read that he made the phone call. Everything happens in its own time and I know you've been through the wringer with this man. I hope you find peace soon because you're such a kind hearted person.

 

As for me...I don't know where to begin. I am still adjusting to having him back in my life. A lot of things have changed for the better, but at the same time I have a lot of fears. I didn't expect them to go away easily and I don't expect him to fix it all for me. It takes time and a lot of it. People don't realize what kind of time has to be invested when getting back together regardless of the reason for the split. Breaks ups are common and so are reconciliations. The real challenge in the reconciliation is the repairing and rebuilding of trust. I do feel a lot of things have been made new between my guy and I. I have a voice now and I'm not letting things fester. Sometimes I feel like I sabatoge my own relationship. When things are calm it's like I get uneasy..it's too good to be true and then I find something to feel sour about. Him and I have some real heavy concerns. It isn't something to be ignored, but I've learned something very valuable within the first few weeks after we got back together. You can't demand or expect real change immediately. It just doesn't work that way. He has been very patient with me. I've had some ups and downs and just as recently, all the anger I was holding inside came out when I blew up on him over something really silly on the way back from grocery shopping. He sat there and took it. I verbally annihilated him. I felt terrible about it afterwards. I sat in the bedroom crying so the children wouldn't hear. He came in and said..I thought we were going to try to move forward? As long as you have anger and resentment toward me, we won't be able to move forward. That slapped me in the face that day. Rather than I worry about silly things like who he's chatting with, checking his phone, questioning him, I should be thinking about strengthening our bond. Sometimes I wonder if it's just me who doesn't know how to be just plain happy.

 

This is truly a day to day process. I'm trying to not find things to bicker about every other day. Although it's hard, im trying to just enjoy him and the children. We both don't want to go back down the same road.

 

There are a few upcoming things that will be happening by the end of the year that concern me...

 

He has decided to send the children back to live with their mother in December. She lives in colorado and we live in Florida. Him and I still haven't spoken about it and it seems like he made the decision while we were apart. I don't really know the reason behind it or how he truly feels about it. My fear is that because of his job that requires traveling, he will be traveling quite a bit when the children leave. This will not work for me especially with the recent problems we are trying to overcome. He keeps telling me to hang in there and that we'll "wing it" and that I'll be coming with him when I can. I just can't see myself "winging" things. I keep trying to prepare for the worst. I don't really know what will become of the whole relationship when that time arrives. Him and I will be very lonely without the children. It makes me very sad and I'm also very afraid because I don't feel very secure at times.

 

Everything is still sort of new and we're taking it day by day.

 

Hope you were able to get some sleep in. Hope to hear from you soon.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. So good to hear from you! Don't worry about not having as much quiet time to write, I completely understand. I'm sorry to hear about all the uneasiness you're feeling, but not really surprised. I know exactly how that feels, and I know it's a horrible feeling. I've always felt it in relationships, no matter who I was with or what the situation was. It's like you're just waiting for something bad to happen, and afraid to let go and experience full trust and happiness because it could all be yanked away at any time. I know you tested as secure on the attachment test, but I've always felt that you were more on the anxious side of things - always expecting something to go wrong, checking up on his activities, fear of abandonment, "acting out" (starting arguments, running away, etc) when you have fears. I only bring it up to point out that some of us are just conditioned to worry no matter what, and it's an extremely hard thing to overcome. It's ingrained in you; it's your way of being (mine too). So I think I said this in my last post, but your problem is twofold - you're a fearful worrier by nature, and he has betrayed your trust in the recent past. Some of it's on you, because it's just how you are no matter what he does or doesn't do. And some of it's on him, for betraying you. He sounds like he's doing the right things to make up for what he did, trying to be patient and understanding, which is good. He's right when he said: "I thought we were going to try to move forward? As long as you have anger and resentment toward me, we won't be able to move forward." BUT, he can't expect for things to be brushed under the rug and immediately forgotten. It's natural for you to still have anger and resentment and distrust, so I hope that he doesn't expect all of that to just disappear - sure, it would be nice and easy if it could, but that's not realistic. It will take time. I think your idea to focus more on strengthening your bond is a good one. I just found a quote for that: WHAT WE FOCUS ON EXPANDS. So maybe try to replace the worried thoughts with good thoughts, and replace the negative behaviors (checking up, starting arguments) with just about anything else - something to distract you, something calming, or something positive towards him like giving a compliment or doing something nice. I know it's hard hard HARD to change these things about yourself. I'm sure there are all kinds of techniques to overcome this, and you just have to catch yourself every single time and do something different from what you've always done in the past. Eventually, you'll retrain yourself to react differently.

 

Has he said how much he'll be traveling when the children leave? I'm not sure I like the idea of just "winging it," but I guess sometimes that's all you can do when you don't know exactly how things are going to be. It's good that he said you can go with him when possible. You guys need a plan of some sort in how you'll handle the away times. And you need some idea of how long he'll be away and how often. If he doesn't know, then I guess he just doesn't know, but hopefully he has at least some idea. Is there any way for him not to do the traveling? Ugh, I would feel exactly how you're feeling right now about it. Fear of the unknown is the worst, isn't it? I hope you guys can talk more about it, and about the kids leaving, some time soon. It sounds like you really need to talk about it so that you know more of what to expect. Otherwise, you're going to continue to fear the worst.

 

How is the counseling going? What is her opinion about things?

 

I'll write about my situation in a separate post so that this doesn't get too long...

[lostlove76]

Hi lostlove,

 

I come back to read responses often, but I just haven't found the quiet time to relax and write, but I am still here and you are still in my thoughts. Time changes everything. I read that you've got a new work schedule and that you're adjusting to the new hours. Just like you, I don't adapt well to change either. And sleep...oh how sleep is so important. It's vital actually. When you are already under so much pressure with your personal life, getting adequate sleep can help you manage it all. Without it, everything is just overwhelming. I remember during the breakup, if I didn't sleep well, it effected me quite a bit. I couldn't even get through the day sometimes. So if anything, try your best to make it a priority to get some extra hours of sleep whenever you can. Nap if you must. Self care is number one on the list.

 

I also read that you saw they were still broken up. I think I always expected them to break up and get back together a few times and finally this time looks like permanent. Regardless, I didn't see the relationship between them lasting very long because of her instability. I know that you said you've been checking on their pages still. I am wondering..now that you know they've broken up, have you thought about making contact with him? Is your feeling still the same? What if he lost your number? Remind me again, how long has it been since he last contacted? 4 months?

 

I still feel you will hear from him again. It may not be immediate, but if he still has a way to contact you, I think he will and it will be something light...just to say hi. I know many will tell you that you are doing yourself no good thinking about this man who appears to have long moved on, but you know my story very well...letting go in someone's absence is not as easy as people think. The heart wants what it wants. There is no bargaining with it either.

 

I am actually pleased to hear that there has been some sort of change in your life. Change challenges us, it forces us and it sounds like you are trying your best to manage and adjust. I keep feeling like everyday I come back to check....one of these days, I'll come back to read that he made the phone call. Everything happens in its own time and I know you've been through the wringer with this man. I hope you find peace soon because you're such a kind hearted person.

 

Sleep is definitely the most important thing of all! You just can't function properly without it. I think I'm finally adjusting to getting up earlier, but there are still times when I find it impossible to fall asleep at night and just end up tossing and turning. I didn't sleep much last night, so this evening I was yawning and so sleepy. Yet now, I feel wide awake, right when I need to be winding down and feeling sleepy. So annoying! Are you sleeping better now that you and he are back together, or do you still have trouble with it at times?

 

Okay, so.... married woman is currently at home with her husband, but is leaving tomorrow to go back to my ex's town. I'm not sure if they're talking again or not. I don't know where she will stay if not with him, so I'm feeling like they made up. It's all just such an odd situation. Does no one care that she's juggling two guys?? No one seems to care, from what I can tell by postings (her friends, her husband, her daughter, my ex). She added her husband back on facebook this weekend for the first time in months - they haven't been friends since I first became aware of her 4-5 months ago. So it seems they're back on good terms. I just don't understand any of it at all. It's all so foreign to me, the complete lack of morals and conscience and doing the right things and being a good person, the complete selfishness. I just looked at her page as I'm typing this, and she currently sharing lots of quotes about feeling like you're not good enough, and the past is the past, and inner peace begins when you stop letting someone else control your emotions. Who is she talking about? Why would she care about my ex if she's back with her husband? It drives me nuts trying to make sense of it all. I know I should stop trying.

 

Yes, it's been about 4 months since I've last talked to him. I won't contact him. It's occurred to me that he may have lost or deleted my number, but he can always try to add me on facebook or something. And I honestly wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing that I still care, ya know? I won't give him that power. I would rather never talk to him again than be the one to reach out. I hope you're right that he'll reach out at some point. If that happens, then I can decide how to react at that point. I still miss the bond we had, and all the good times, and all the good things about him. I think I have him pretty well divided into two people - the good him, who I still want and care about, and the horrible selfish him, who I hate.

 

I just looked again and she's posted two more quotes about how guys need to pay attention to their woman or else someone else will come along and make her happy. I feel like she's posting these for my ex to see. Which means she's hurt and he made her feel bad. Again, why would she even care when she has her husband to love her? Ugh. Maybe they're directed at her husband. I really don't know. But you're right, she's unstable. And a drama queen.

 

I hope you have a nice night, and get some good sleep

[bluefields]

Hi lostlove,

 

I come back to read responses often, but I just haven't found the quiet time to relax and write, but I am still here and you are still in my thoughts. Time changes everything. I read that you've got a new work schedule and that you're adjusting to the new hours. Just like you, I don't adapt well to change either. And sleep...oh how sleep is so important. It's vital actually. When you are already under so much pressure with your personal life, getting adequate sleep can help you manage it all. Without it, everything is just overwhelming. I remember during the breakup, if I didn't sleep well, it effected me quite a bit. I couldn't even get through the day sometimes. So if anything, try your best to make it a priority to get some extra hours of sleep whenever you can. Nap if you must. Self care is number one on the list.

 

I also read that you saw they were still broken up. I think I always expected them to break up and get back together a few times and finally this time looks like permanent. Regardless, I didn't see the relationship between them lasting very long because of her instability. I know that you said you've been checking on their pages still. I am wondering..now that you know they've broken up, have you thought about making contact with him? Is your feeling still the same? What if he lost your number? Remind me again, how long has it been since he last contacted? 4 months?

 

I still feel you will hear from him again. It may not be immediate, but if he still has a way to contact you, I think he will and it will be something light...just to say hi. I know many will tell you that you are doing yourself no good thinking about this man who appears to have long moved on, but you know my story very well...letting go in someone's absence is not as easy as people think. The heart wants what it wants. There is no bargaining with it either.

 

I am actually pleased to hear that there has been some sort of change in your life. Change challenges us, it forces us and it sounds like you are trying your best to manage and adjust. I keep feeling like everyday I come back to check....one of these days, I'll come back to read that he made the phone call. Everything happens in its own time and I know you've been through the wringer with this man. I hope you find peace soon because you're such a kind hearted person.

 

As for me...I don't know where to begin. I am still adjusting to having him back in my life. A lot of things have changed for the better, but at the same time I have a lot of fears. I didn't expect them to go away easily and I don't expect him to fix it all for me. It takes time and a lot of it. People don't realize what kind of time has to be invested when getting back together regardless of the reason for the split. Breaks ups are common and so are reconciliations. The real challenge in the reconciliation is the repairing and rebuilding of trust. I do feel a lot of things have been made new between my guy and I. I have a voice now and I'm not letting things fester. Sometimes I feel like I sabatoge my own relationship. When things are calm it's like I get uneasy..it's too good to be true and then I find something to feel sour about. Him and I have some real heavy concerns. It isn't something to be ignored, but I've learned something very valuable within the first few weeks after we got back together. You can't demand or expect real change immediately. It just doesn't work that way. He has been very patient with me. I've had some ups and downs and just as recently, all the anger I was holding inside came out when I blew up on him over something really silly on the way back from grocery shopping. He sat there and took it. I verbally annihilated him. I felt terrible about it afterwards. I sat in the bedroom crying so the children wouldn't hear. He came in and said..I thought we were going to try to move forward? As long as you have anger and resentment toward me, we won't be able to move forward. That slapped me in the face that day. Rather than I worry about silly things like who he's chatting with, checking his phone, questioning him, I should be thinking about strengthening our bond. Sometimes I wonder if it's just me who doesn't know how to be just plain happy.

 

This is truly a day to day process. I'm trying to not find things to bicker about every other day. Although it's hard, im trying to just enjoy him and the children. We both don't want to go back down the same road.

 

There are a few upcoming things that will be happening by the end of the year that concern me...

 

He has decided to send the children back to live with their mother in December. She lives in colorado and we live in Florida. Him and I still haven't spoken about it and it seems like he made the decision while we were apart. I don't really know the reason behind it or how he truly feels about it. My fear is that because of his job that requires traveling, he will be traveling quite a bit when the children leave. This will not work for me especially with the recent problems we are trying to overcome. He keeps telling me to hang in there and that we'll "wing it" and that I'll be coming with him when I can. I just can't see myself "winging" things. I keep trying to prepare for the worst. I don't really know what will become of the whole relationship when that time arrives. Him and I will be very lonely without the children. It makes me very sad and I'm also very afraid because I don't feel very secure at times.

 

Everything is still sort of new and we're taking it day by day.

 

Hope you were able to get some sleep in. Hope to hear from you soon.

 

Hi

Very quickly just wanted to say remember that all relationships are hard. He made his decision regarding the kids, and he's well within his rights to do that. You have to accept his decision. I suggest: travel! Travel with him. In the beginning, go along on all his trips for the first few months - you said you had a flexible job so that can't be a reason to not go along. He will be busy with work on these trips, and you will find other pursuits to follow while he's away. You could read, watch movies in hotel rooms, experience the local delicacies - travelling can be a lot of fun! And at the end of every day, you will know that he will come back to you, isn't that wonderful? Once you feel more comfortable and secure, you can ease off and stay back more often. After that hell you've been through twice, you want to do everything in your power to make this work.

 

Also, since you are having more open dialogues these days, talk to him about your fears. I'm no self-help book author, but do think about how you want to frame your sentences. Don't use words like 'always' and 'never', instead use 'mostly' or 'sometimes'. Show him that you are willing to work on this and that you do see a bright and happy future together with him. Whenever you point out a problem (and always be specific with those), also suggest a solution or course correction that you or he needs to adopt. I think your therapist will have better advice on how to handle these conversations so consult her on this if you haven't already.

 

Also, you know very well that you must not go looking for drama or sadness. Us women, we're prone to doing that. That is simply not the way to live. Happiness is the ultimate goal.

 

Keep the faith.

 

@Lostlove76: I agree with boltnrun when they say you're investing too much time on him and the other woman. Forget about it. And my advice would be to stop the stalkerish behaviour on facebook etc. It's only feeding in to your desperation. No good will come of it. Live your own life to the fullest and if the Universe wills it, he will come back. If he doesn't, it wouldn't matter because you would've moved on.

[lostlove76]

Hi bluefields, excellent advice to ksol It made me think of something my friend suggested to me years ago about communication. She said to always sandwich a negative with two positives. So for example, "I really appreciate that you've been so patient with me, but I'm still having a hard time getting past what happened and I may have times when I react poorly out of frustration. Your understanding is very helpful, and will help us get through this together." Or something like that. It keeps people from getting defensive, because you've also complimented them. So they're more apt to be calm and cooperative.

 

Thanks for commenting on my situation. I keep trying to tell myself that if he wants to come back, he will. It really shouldn't matter what married woman does or doesn't do. It's like I'm waiting for all the cards to fall into place and create the exact right situation for him to call. But it shouldn't be like that. It shouldn't be that he ONLY calls because she goes back home to her husband. I do look for clues about their relationship status, but I'm also moving along in my own life and trying to adjust to new things. I will continue to do that, and to add more to it until I get to the place I need to be. I'll do this with or without him. Thanks for commenting

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove! There are so many great things you said that I'd like to comment on. Glad to hear from you as always.

 

I think your idea to focus more on strengthening your bond is a good one. I just found a quote for that: WHAT WE FOCUS ON EXPANDS. So maybe try to replace the worried thoughts with good thoughts, and replace the negative behaviors (checking up, starting arguments) with just about anything else - something to distract you, something calming, or something positive towards him like giving a compliment or doing something nice. I know it's hard hard HARD to change these things about yourself. I'm sure there are all kinds of techniques to overcome this, and you just have to catch yourself every single time and do something different from what you've always done in the past. Eventually, you'll retrain yourself to react differently.

 

What we focus on expands....what a great quote! This is something I am working on daily. I think alot of the progress that I've made within my relationship is mostly from the work we are doing within ourselves. I am not trying to change to better suit him, I am just trying to be a better person overall and a better communicator. Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones is not easy, but I've developed a technique that I am trying not to lose sight of. I don't want to fall back into old habits at all. Everything you said about retraining myself to react differently is so very true. It's like trying to break a bad habit. I know that I am not the only one who has work to do and sometimes it feels very overwhelming because I don't see an end to the work we have to do, but we are making progress. I am making progress. Wanting to check up on him or start an argument has been a challenge, but I will take your advice and the advice of others who have commented, occupy myself with something else, compliment him, or do something nice. I think you correct, I am just a natural worrier and I will always be. Time is the only thing that will eventually put me at ease.

 

Has he said how much he'll be traveling when the children leave?

 

As for the children, from what he said, they are supposed to go back to their mother's in December. He didn't say how much he would be traveling. His company is starting a new project in a city 4 hours away and they are wanting him to oversee the project to make sure everything starts up ok. Once the everything is running smoothly, he wouldn't have to travel as much, BUT I dont know if this was the straightforward truth. I think he just made it sound pretty because he is aware that I dont feel comfortable. I truthfully believe he will be traveling quite a bit. His boss will be more demanding of him once the children are gone. Before the children came to live with him, he was traveling all the time. I just foresee alot of problems for us because I won't be able to handle the traveling and him staying in hotel rooms. He could easily do what he did that night I found the emails and I still don't know and will never know what really happened that night. I am still not sure if it is easy for him to cheat or sleep around with other women. My mind can think the worst, but time is the only thing that will heal this. I am not sure if I am ready for these new changes in the next few months. I am doing my best though...

[Ksol9]

Hi

Very quickly just wanted to say remember that all relationships are hard. He made his decision regarding the kids, and he's well within his rights to do that. You have to accept his decision. I suggest: travel! Travel with him. In the beginning, go along on all his trips for the first few months - you said you had a flexible job so that can't be a reason to not go along. He will be busy with work on these trips, and you will find other pursuits to follow while he's away. You could read, watch movies in hotel rooms, experience the local delicacies - travelling can be a lot of fun! And at the end of every day, you will know that he will come back to you, isn't that wonderful? Once you feel more comfortable and secure, you can ease off and stay back more often. After that hell you've been through twice, you want to do everything in your power to make this work.

 

Also, since you are having more open dialogues these days, talk to him about your fears. I'm no self-help book author, but do think about how you want to frame your sentences. Don't use words like 'always' and 'never', instead use 'mostly' or 'sometimes'. Show him that you are willing to work on this and that you do see a bright and happy future together with him. Whenever you point out a problem (and always be specific with those), also suggest a solution or course correction that you or he needs to adopt. I think your therapist will have better advice on how to handle these conversations so consult her on this if you haven't already.

 

Also, you know very well that you must not go looking for drama or sadness. Us women, we're prone to doing that. That is simply not the way to live. Happiness is the ultimate goal.

 

Keep the faith.

 

@Lostlove76: I agree with boltnrun when they say you're investing too much time on him and the other woman. Forget about it. And my advice would be to stop the stalkerish behaviour on facebook etc. It's only feeding in to your desperation. No good will come of it. Live your own life to the fullest and if the Universe wills it, he will come back. If he doesn't, it wouldn't matter because you would've moved on.

 

 

Always a pleasure to hear from you blueflields. I value what you have to say. You bring new and positive perspective. Thank you for that!

 

This is true...no relationship is easy. We all come with our own set of problems and whoever says love comes easily is not from this planet. I truly think ALL relationships take real hard work and dedication. I like your take on the traveling aspect of his job. I am able to travel with him and would like to do so at first. I wouldn't have a problem exploring the city while he is at work. It would definitely help me to feel more secure by traveling with him at first until I adapt to the change. I don't mind being left at home, but because of the trust issues, I have tremendous anxiety over it. I just flat out feel like I can't handle it. I guess I'm going to have to try when the time comes. The most powerful thing you said is......After that hell you've been through twice, you want to do everything in your power to make this work. You are absolutely correct. I have gained so much knowledge and insight. I am not here to carry resentment and anger. I don't want to live miserably. I want us to be happy and to live in peace and I think we are finally at a place where I can say...we both want this! I will keep that statement in mind whenever things get rough. It is crucial that I try my best.

 

Your suggestion about using words like 'mostly' and 'sometimes' is great advice. I have had a hard time communicating with him because he is a very defensive person. Often times I am met with defensiveness because of my delivery. I am working on that daily.

 

Also, you know very well that you must not go looking for drama or sadness. Us women, we're prone to doing that. That is simply not the way to live. Happiness is the ultimate goal.

 

Yes, I totally agree with you. I know that should I go through his phone, I may find something that is questionable, but that is not what we need right now. We need to work on rebuilding trust. At times I feel like I am just in denial and I am keeping myself in the dark. This is no way to live and I need to find a way to be more positive and confident in him. It's not right to constantly invade his privacy in order to prove he is a liar and is cheating. Those things come out on their own. I know women can be investigative by nature, but I am very in-tuned with him at the moment. I will know if something is off with him. I don't think anything like that is going on. I think he is just trying his best to be patient. I think he continues to remind himself that I will have bad days and good days. I am very appreciate of that because if he wasn't understanding of what I am going through his frustrations with me would be getting the best of him. Happiness is the ultimate goal and looking for arguments and drama is not the way to go about it. I am trying my best to live everyday with a positive mindset. I know him and I will never move forward if I continue to do things as I did before. We both have to change and I believe we are making progress in the right direction.

[Ksol9]

Hi bluefields, excellent advice to ksol It made me think of something my friend suggested to me years ago about communication. She said to always sandwich a negative with two positives. So for example, "I really appreciate that you've been so patient with me, but I'm still having a hard time getting past what happened and I may have times when I react poorly out of frustration. Your understanding is very helpful, and will help us get through this together." Or something like that. It keeps people from getting defensive, because you've also complimented them. So they're more apt to be calm and cooperative.

 

Thanks for commenting on my situation. I keep trying to tell myself that if he wants to come back, he will. It really shouldn't matter what married woman does or doesn't do. It's like I'm waiting for all the cards to fall into place and create the exact right situation for him to call. But it shouldn't be like that. It shouldn't be that he ONLY calls because she goes back home to her husband. I do look for clues about their relationship status, but I'm also moving along in my own life and trying to adjust to new things. I will continue to do that, and to add more to it until I get to the place I need to be. I'll do this with or without him. Thanks for commenting

 

What I highlighted in bold is excellent advice. I have trouble with this. I have been working on how I communicate my feelings. At times I feel like I am the reason he reacts so defensively. In any situation, how you deliver your message is a good predictor of the type of response you will get. I think him and I both have reached a new level in our relationship where we are truly getting to know eachother and we are learning how to work with eachother.

 

After a pretty stressful week last week, I've made it a goal to try to be more calm and cool about relationship matters. I need to keep in mind what really matters and look at things from a broader perspective. It's so easy to get caught up on all kinds of small stuff. At the end of the day, worrying about those things are not going to get us anywhere. I still feel like our lives are going to change drastically when the children leave. I've accepted the decision and I realize it will either make us or break us. I hope I'm prepared.

 

As for your situation, I think you're doing great. Sometimes I worry about the hope I give you regarding him contacting you again, but I think you have excellent insight into your situation and you are very realistic about what is happening. If he wants to come back, he will and he will make the effort to do so when the time is right. In the mean time, I think you are slowly moving on with your life, adapting to new things, and just trying your best to live your life. There is nothing else you can do and you are moving at your own pace. That is all that matters. I think had he called as soon as she left, you would be feeling like he was only calling you because she left...ie back up plan, so I am almost glad that he hasn't called just yet. I think if he did do that, you would have rejected him once again and I also think he knows that. No one truthfully knows what is going on in their lives. You are just going on your perception based on facebook posts. All I know is relationships like that, ones in troubled waters, don't last very long. You are in a place of stability and you are working hard to keep yourself afloat. Continue to move forward lostlove. I think you are doing just fine.

[Ksol9]

Had a rough night last night and I woke up this morning feeling really sad. There is an internal struggle going on inside of me.

 

I'm trying to put all these worries and concerns to rest. I just don't know how sometimes. The past couple of times we go out with the children. Movies of football game, I got really reserved and quiet. They can notice. I didn't do it on purpose. I got really quiet and reserved thinking about how this man betrayed me and could be doing it still. How he had a wandering eye and acted on it. He asked me over and over what was the matter but I couldn't say. We didn't talk the rest of the evening. I'm treating him poorly because I feel bad inside. I'm beginning to feel paranoid and scared. I guess I'm just looking for some words of encouragement.

 

I need to knock myself out of this place I'm in.

[bluefields]

Had a rough night last night and I woke up this morning feeling really sad. There is an internal struggle going on inside of me.

 

I'm trying to put all these worries and concerns to rest. I just don't know how sometimes. The past couple of times we go out with the children. Movies of football game, I got really reserved and quiet. They can notice. I didn't do it on purpose. I got really quiet and reserved thinking about how this man betrayed me and could be doing it still. How he had a wandering eye and acted on it. He asked me over and over what was the matter but I couldn't say. We didn't talk the rest of the evening. I'm treating him poorly because I feel bad inside. I'm beginning to feel paranoid and scared. I guess I'm just looking for some words of encouragement.

 

I need to knock myself out of this place I'm in.

 

Ok. How do you think he betrayed you or acted on his "wandering eye"?

[Ksol9]

Bluefields,as I am thinking about how to respond to your question, I feel rather silly because..as you've told me before...things may not be to the extreme as I have often jumped to conclusions. I value your perspective..I really do.

 

There was one occasion I checked his search history on Facebook. I found that he searched a couple names of women. One worked a nearby Home Depot or publix and the other was a second grade teacher for his son. I freaked and made a huge deal. I thought he was interested in these women or found them attractive and wanted to search them to see what he could see. I still have a strange feeling about it, but I do think I shouldn't have made the huge deal that I did at the time. Then the emails were found..I said..ah ha! It all makes sense now! He has a wandering eye and he acts on it. He searches other women on Facebook and he contacts other women by email when we have conflict. He's a cheater and he will easily cheat.

 

They say the truth of the matter is always somewhere in the middle. He may not have cheated physically but I believe I was constantly putting pressure on him, arguing, and insecure about his fidelity that he just clocked out on me.

 

I'm doing the same thing again this time as evidenced by my last post...except I'm trying to catch myself. I wish I could change my perspective. I'm not using any opportunity to search through his phone. At your advice, I just won't do it.

 

I certainly need to break this cycle. I've gone back quite a few times to read your previous posts to me. You said something that really resonated with me....if you have faith in him and believe that he will be honest, he will do what he can to uphold that belief. You said I would be surprised with the outcome and I do believe that holds truth. Treat someone as an untrustworthy person and they will eventually become that. I am working hard to break my cycle of negative thinking. Just is very challenging at times.

[bluefields]

Bluefields,as I am thinking about how to respond to your question, I feel rather silly because..as you've told me before...things may not be to the extreme as I have often jumped to conclusions. I value your perspective..I really do.

 

There was one occasion I checked his search history on Facebook. I found that he searched a couple names of women. One worked a nearby Home Depot or publix and the other was a second grade teacher for his son. I freaked and made a huge deal. I thought he was interested in these women or found them attractive and wanted to search them to see what he could see. I still have a strange feeling about it, but I do think I shouldn't have made the huge deal that I did at the time. Then the emails were found..I said..ah ha! It all makes sense now! He has a wandering eye and he acts on it. He searches other women on Facebook and he contacts other women by email when we have conflict. He's a cheater and he will easily cheat.

 

They say the truth of the matter is always somewhere in the middle. He may not have cheated physically but I believe I was constantly putting pressure on him, arguing, and insecure about his fidelity that he just clocked out on me.

 

I'm doing the same thing again this time as evidenced by my last post...except I'm trying to catch myself. I wish I could change my perspective. I'm not using any opportunity to search through his phone. At your advice, I just won't do it.

 

I certainly need to break this cycle. I've gone back quite a few times to read your previous posts to me. You said something that really resonated with me....if you have faith in him and believe that he will be honest, he will do what he can to uphold that belief. You said I would be surprised with the outcome and I do believe that holds truth. Treat someone as an untrustworthy person and they will eventually become that. I am working hard to break my cycle of negative thinking. Just is very challenging at times.

 

Thanks for your confidence in me I'll start by saying that you find yourself in a position where you're finding it difficult to trust him. You may be right in your fears that he is a cheater or they may be entirely misplaced. Call me a liberal, but personally, I don't think it's a big deal that he searched for a couple women on Facebook. He probably looked up dudes all the time too. And you had decided to forgive him for the emails, remember? You had wanted him back. Has that changed? Do you still love him?

 

Look, here are your options:

1. Talk to him about your problems. Take some time out with him, just the two of you, and tell him about your fears. Ask him straight up if your fears are justified and then trust that he will be honest about the answer. Because the whole point of opening this dialogue is that you are willing to accept whatever his answer will be. Pre-meditate the whole conversation and know what you want out of it.

2. If your concerns are strong enough that they are hindering day to day living with him and the kids, maybe give yourself a break from him for a while to work through what you really want. Tell him you want to take a long vacation somewhere alone or with other friends. Or straight up tell him you want some time to be alone right now and sort through some of your own issues. Move out for a while. If he cares for you, he will understand.

3. If you think you can never trust him again, call it quits. It will be hard and you will be on these forums more often But maybe you'll get over it with time and maybe you'll find love again with someone more compatible with you.

 

I don't think you actually believe he is a cheater from the way you speak about it. You have a lot of doubt. And only you can resolve your doubts. No amount of evidence will help you if you keep doubting. Maybe there's something you need to hear from him directly. Him saying the words out loud might help so I would recommend option 1. It might bring closure.

 

I really hope you can eventually make the right decision for yourself.

[Ksol9]

Thanks for your confidence in me I'll start by saying that you find yourself in a position where you're finding it difficult to trust him. You may be right in your fears that he is a cheater or they may be entirely misplaced. Call me a liberal, but personally, I don't think it's a big deal that he searched for a couple women on Facebook. He probably looked up dudes all the time too. And you had decided to forgive him for the emails, remember? You had wanted him back. Has that changed? Do you still love him?

 

Look, here are your options:

1. Talk to him about your problems. Take some time out with him, just the two of you, and tell him about your fears. Ask him straight up if your fears are justified and then trust that he will be honest about the answer. Because the whole point of opening this dialogue is that you are willing to accept whatever his answer will be. Pre-meditate the whole conversation and know what you want out of it.

2. If your concerns are strong enough that they are hindering day to day living with him and the kids, maybe give yourself a break from him for a while to work through what you really want. Tell him you want to take a long vacation somewhere alone or with other friends. Or straight up tell him you want some time to be alone right now and sort through some of your own issues. Move out for a while. If he cares for you, he will understand.

3. If you think you can never trust him again, call it quits. It will be hard and you will be on these forums more often But maybe you'll get over it with time and maybe you'll find love again with someone more compatible with you.

 

I don't think you actually believe he is a cheater from the way you speak about it. You have a lot of doubt. And only you can resolve your doubts. No amount of evidence will help you if you keep doubting. Maybe there's something you need to hear from him directly. Him saying the words out loud might help so I would recommend option 1. It might bring closure.

 

I really hope you can eventually make the right decision for yourself.

 

 

I don't think I actually believe he is a cheater either. Or else I wouldn't be trying so hard to be a better person and partner. We both are trying very hard. I think deep in my heart I know he didn't do those things with clear intentions to hurt me. Just like you said, now that I look back, I don't think it was a big deal that he searched those women. I think that is the purpose of Facebook and i took it out of context. I was trying to find a way to tie together all of my assumptions. I too have searched ex's and other people, men and women, on Facebook. It's pure curiosity. The insecurities I have about what he is doing, jealousy, searching through his phone, etc. are all things that need to be settled within myself. I thought long and hard about all of this while we were apart. I wholeheartedly believe, just as you said, if things go wrong, it will come out on its own one way or another. Right now is not the time to look for reasons to prove that I am right about my doubts of him. Right now is the time to mend and grow together.

 

Perpspective and attitude is everything right now. I notice a significant change in him when my attitude is positive. Negativity will effect you and those around you no matter how much you try to hide it. I also agree that words of reassurance would help me tremendously, so asking him for that would be wise.

 

We have so much going on with moving and the children moving in the next couple of months. I don't do well with change so I definitely have some anxiety over that. I need to brace myself for those major changes happening soon.

[bluefields]

I don't think I actually believe he is a cheater either. Or else I wouldn't be trying so hard to be a better person and partner. We both are trying very hard. I think deep in my heart I know he didn't do those things with clear intentions to hurt me. Just like you said, now that I look back, I don't think it was a big deal that he searched those women. I think that is the purpose of Facebook and i took it out of context. I was trying to find a way to tie together all of my assumptions. I too have searched ex's and other people, men and women, on Facebook. It's pure curiosity. The insecurities I have about what he is doing, jealousy, searching through his phone, etc. are all things that need to be settled within myself. I thought long and hard about all of this while we were apart. I wholeheartedly believe, just as you said, if things go wrong, it will come out on its own one way or another. Right now is not the time to look for reasons to prove that I am right about my doubts of him. Right now is the time to mend and grow together.

 

Perpspective and attitude is everything right now. I notice a significant change in him when my attitude is positive. Negativity will effect you and those around you no matter how much you try to hide it. I also agree that words of reassurance would help me tremendously, so asking him for that would be wise.

 

We have so much going on with moving and the children moving in the next couple of months. I don't do well with change so I definitely have some anxiety over that. I need to brace myself for those major changes happening soon.

 

Yes, you are right ksol. In fact, it is never a good time to prove that someone is as wretched as one's doubts of them. Honestly, out of everyone here on the forum, you're the best suited to actually make a judgement on whether he is or isn't capable of cheating on you. But the fact of the matter is that so far he has not cheated on you. Normally, one would not doubt another without reason to. You continue to doubt him in spite of evidence to the contrary and sometimes try to find evidence that will fit your fears. Your doubts are deeply rooted inside you. I do think that unless you decide to do something about it, these thoughts will not go away on their own. You might feel okay one day but your doubts could return tomorrow at the drop of a hat.

 

Do talk to him about this. I don't remember you having mentioned this - did you guys discuss the whole emailing the other woman thing after you got back together? If you haven't, you need to right away. Maybe this keeps turning up because it is an unresolved issue. If you have discussed it, you need to discuss it again with added perspectives regarding what you found on his chats and search histories. As always, be sensitive to his feelings when you bring all this up.

 

I understand your anxiety and I really wish I could say something to make you feel better. I hope both of you can tide over the coming changes. If you're planning to stick around till then (which it looks like you are), please consider travelling with him. I think it will help calm you and make your relationship stronger.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol! It's been a long week and I just got caught up. I'm sorry to see that you're still experiencing so many worries and anxieties. Bluefields is giving you EXCELLENT advice, and I agree with everything she's saying. I'm not sure I have much to add, since I'm so similar to you. I would be having all the same worries that you're having, because it's just the way our minds work. So it's great to have someone who doesn't have quite the same worrisome personality that we do to offer a different perspective.

 

I think this is something for you to constantly remind yourself of, every time you have a worried thought: remind yourself that it's in your nature to worry and fear the worst no matter what he does or doesn't do, and be aware that you're seeing things through this filter. Like you guys were discussing with the Facebook searches - some people may see it as a harmless curiosity, while you are seeing it as a threat to your relationship and an indication of negative character on his part. I would react the exact same way you did. I would catastrophize it and fear the worst. But since I'm on the outside here, I can look at it more objectively and agree that it could be nothing more than innocent curiosity. I search random acquaintances on Facebook all the time, usually just out of boredom. Male or female, people I know currently or used to know, people I know well or not at all. Nothing more than mild curiosity and a way to kill time. But like you, if it were my boyfriend doing it, I would have a really uneasy feeling about it, if not absolutely convinced that he was looking to cheat. Every time you have a similar concern, talk yourself through it and explore other perspectives, and remind yourself of this potentially inaccurate filter through which you're prone to view things!

 

Another thought on the topic of trust: Dr Phil says it's not about trusting the other person not to hurt you; it's about trusting yourself enough to be able to handle whatever that person does. If you believe you will fall apart if he emails another woman, for example, then you'll always be on edge waiting for the end of the world to come (dramatic wording, but you know what I mean). Whereas if you believe yourself to be strong and capable of handling whatever may happen, and if you believe in yourself enough to know that you'll uphold your boundaries and not stick around if he betrays your trust (or alternatively, if you trust that you guys can work through whatever circumstances and issues may arise), then you can relax a bit and take it as it comes, knowing that you will survive no matter what happens.

 

About the traveling... Yet again, that's something that would worry me as well, given our similar nature. I think it would concern all but the most extremely secure and independent of people. It's okay to feel worried, but I know it's a crappy feeling I really like the idea of you going with him. That's something that could be fun, and could strengthen your trust and bond. If frequent traveling is going to be non-negotiable, then I guess you have to just give it a try and see if it works for you. See if, together, you guys can make it work. If it doesn't work, then at least you've tried. I know it's really hard, but best to live in the present for the moment and work on strengthening your trust and bond so that things will be more stable when the time comes for him to travel. Then give it a try and see what happens. I know that "seeing what happens" is not in your vocabulary (or mine)! But I imagine it to be a more peaceful way to live than worrying about every potential outcome.

 

I think that learning to relax and trust is your biggest obstacle right now, with communication being a close second. I had periods of time with mine when I was able to relax and just hope for the best, but I could never sustain it for very long. It's really REALLY hard to do that when every ounce of your being is screaming at you to look for things to worry about, to look for signs of danger. I completely empathize. I think it's wonderful to have folks like bluefields who can say to you, hey look, this isn't that big of a thing, you're blowing it out of proportion here. Someone to give you a more positive and relaxed perspective. I think it's also important that you learn to self-talk in the same way. And like I said before, it's going to take a lot of practice and repetition and retraining your brain.

 

I believe in you!! You're smart and self-aware. You can do this!! We'll be here to support and help. I hope this post makes sense. It's so hard to go back and edit on the phone. The screen used to move as I typed so that I could see what I was writing as I wrote it - but now it's staying stuck in one place and I have to keep scrolling left and right to see. Kind of frustrating. I'll post this one and then write separately about my situation.

[lostlove76]

About my situation:

Don't worry about giving me false hope... I honestly have little to no hope of my own at all, so I really appreciate the hope you do give me!! It's a really nice little bit of something to hang on to Even if it never happens, I'm still glad to receive it, and I thank you for that I was actually feeling pretty hopeful at the beginning of the last week, since she added her husband back as a friend, and she posted an old pic of them on IG and shared a memory on fb that was a family pic with him in it. And he commented on a couple of her posts. I thought maybe she would stay home with him. But she didn't. She went right back to my ex's town, and I'm fairly sure they're back together again as of a day and a half ago. She even mentioned him by name, negatively, in a post (she shared a quote about slapping that b**ch, and said she did and his name is ). She was posting up a storm with shared quotes about relationshippy type things, and then all of that stopped. I can just tell from her activity that they're back together. Plus she really has nowhere to live there if not with him. So YET AGAIN, she's completely betrayed her husband, and yet again, he's taken her sorry self in and is supporting her. It upsets me so much. I know that 99% of people would say to stop looking, but like you said, I'll stop when I quit caring. It's just another letdown. They will continue this off and on, dysfunctional, cheating relationship for years probably. I'm sure I'm already long gone from his mind. Meanwhile, I still miss the good times and the connection that we had. I miss him. I loved him with my whole heart. And it just makes me so angry that neither of them have any morals whatsoever. They just don't care that it's so wrong in every way. I guess I'm just venting. I don't know how to quit caring, ya know?

[lostlove76]

Hi again ksol. I feel embarrassed to post this stuff about what I see on their pages, because I know it sounds so unhealthy... but I know that you, at least, understand why I still look. Soooo, I have an update. Married woman posted a video today of her leaving his town and saying "eff you" to everyone who lives there for talking s**t about her, and says she's going home. Said something about when she left my ex's building the other day, she called the cops and they wanted to arrest her. Not sure what happened, but sounds like a bunch of crazy drama. She said "eff you" to the town and the people in it about 15 times. So classy. I don't imagine she could return yet again after this, do you? Not sure if this will cause him to think about me now, like you've said - I really hope so. I could then decide what to do if he ever called. I don't think he will, but I feel so much better knowing she is gone (hopefully for good this time). He'll probably just jump directly into another relationship with someone else. And after everything he did, I can't imagine he'd have the guts to call. He knows I would ask questions, and that I wouldn't overlook anything. He knows what he did was horrible. But I guess we'll see.

[Ksol9]

lostlove and bluefields, I just wanted to let you know that I read your posts. Thank you for your great insight as always. I'll be back later to respond.

[almostvictoria]

I too am also caught in between indifference, confusion, and sadness.

 

My ex broke up with me in August, citing "a need for space and time to work on himself," proclaiming a desire to remain friends as he still cares & loves me, is still in love with me, etc. Gave me the whole spiel about how he still finds me attractive (so it's not that "the spark is gone"), wants to share his day with me and "hang out." Left me devastated and floundering in heart break (first one is the hardest, or so I hear).

 

I went NC 2 days after our break up. He messaged me once or twice, usually nothing more than a greeting (hi/hello/hey) or a photo of something random (his cat, him wearing funny glasses, etc). I rarely replied especially not in the first 3-4 weeks of NC.

 

Eventually I did respond to one of his messages; we spent a few brief minutes with chit chat. In the last month, we've met up exactly 3 times, all three times initiated by him. We celebrated my birthday. He took me out to dinner on the anniversary of the date we met. He reiterated each time that he is not ready to be in a relationship, to be dating, but wants to be friends with me. That he still has decidedly NOT platonic feelings for me, feelings he has no plans, intentions, or desire to be rid of. Etc. So. I know he wants me. He just doesn't want me enough. Doesn't want me *more* than other things he currently wants in his life.

 

I've gone NC again for the last 2 weeks. If the light hearted, casual exchanges here and there felt like a real connection, something genuine, I think I'd be okay with one day being friends. As it stands, they don't. They feel hollow to me, hollow and cruel and pointless, probably because I haven't healed from the break up yet. It's hard. I have moments of clarity and peace, accepting the pain I am in as a natural place to be in. Accepting that this is life, and it's okay to suffer from the death of a relationship that meant so much to me. And there are times when I am not so accepting, when I feel betrayed and abandoned and totally shredded by the confusing storm of emotional turmoil.

 

I think we are both good people, at the end of the day. I believe that. He knows that I love him. He knows I wanted to work through our challenges, that I wanted to stand beside him as his partner, his lover, his girlfriend through the difficulties that were eroding his spirit. And knowing that, he chose to walk away. He chose to leave.

 

And even though I try to cling to that - because all other answers, all other questions my subconscious plagues me with, are irrelevant - heavens know it is barely within me to resist the impulse to beg, to plead, to rail against the sense of injustice. Today is one of my bad days...

[Ksol9]

As I was laying in bed with him last night, my eyes were open just staring off into the darkness. The light on his phone goes on. He saw it and propped himself up to take a look at it. It didn't make a sound to notify a call or text. I knew the phone normally does that when it's charging and reaches a certain percent or when it does its daily updates. I didn't say anything. Normally I'd say..who is that?! I remained silent. I woke up with it on my mind this morning. The other side of my mind was thinking maybe the phone was on silent and it lit up as someone was calling or texting. I was thinking maybe he has that particular contact on silent because I knew the phone itself wasn't on silent. I thought of everything bluefields and lostlove has said to me. Have faith and trust in him. Don't assume the worst. I'm learning to curb my worrying and negative thinking.

 

Lostlove, please don't ever be embarrassed to post about viewing their social media pages. Remember I did that with mine both times we split. I too felt embarrassed but I came here to be honest and I was willing to be vulnerable about it. Yes, others will tell you to just stop, but like I've said, it's easier said than done. My initial thought when I read about the dilemma that is going on in their lives is that he must be entangled. Relationships like that don't last because the constant back and forth eventually dies off or someone does something unforgivable...i.e. Calling the cops. This woman just sounds like the biggest mess. For what it's worth, I think it's better that you are not involved in this at the moment because if he continues to take her back, then that means his emotions are up and down about her as well. I think that would cause you more pain and heartache than you are in now. We dont know how long this back and forth will last with them, but we know that life doesn't stop. While they are living in this drama, you are mending and growing from this experience whether you know it or not. You are healing. I still feel that he will try to contact you. I've always felt that way. I just think he is entangled in this mess with this woman and while they are still playing games, you won't hear from him.

 

I'm curious to know, have you seen any activity on the dating sites or other sites he used to frequent? Also, remember I used to say the same thing about my guy...he wouldn't have the guts to call me after what he did. Not quite. When enough time has passed, they don't see things that way. When they reach the point where they experience the emptiness of you actually being gone, nothing will stop them from contacting. It happened that way twice with my guy. He was like clock work. I don't think your guy ever got to experience the loss of your relationship. This woman was in the picture and you exited yourself. He has not been alone with his thoughts. My guy has said he went into a depression after this time that I left. From all the stories I've read, even from the Dr. Weil book, it can take months for them to actually sit down and think about the loss of the relationship. It may take even longer when they've entered a new relationship because now that relationship has to take its course...and that relationship is certainly taking its course. I don't see it ending well at all. It sounds like very terrible things have been happening. Packing up, leaving, cops...someone is bound to get tired of that nonsense. I keep feeling like I am going to come back one day to read my thread and I will read that he contacted you. By that time, you will either no longer care or you will be ready and open to move forward with him. I know how hard it is to let go and I admire how honest you are about what you are feeling. Don't ever be ashamed about still holding on. No one can make you let go, but you. You will do so on your own time. I hope that you are doing ok and that you have been getting adequate rest. Let us know how things are going when you have some time to write.

 

Bluefields..."your fears are deeply rooted inside of you." This statement says it all. I think you are spot on about this. This is something that I am constantly working on and I have been doing a good job of reminding myself every time I get carried away doubting and assuming. I have chosen to stay with this man and I should only question him or become upset when warranted. He has not given me an ounce of concern since I've come back. As a matter of fact, I won't admit this to him, but I am surprised at the amount of patience and understanding he has displayed since I've come back. I haven't been easy to deal with all the time.

 

I am still taking things day by day. I still have some days that are good and some that are extremely bad. This hasn't been a walk in the park or an easy road at all, but we are both so committed. I think him and I have reached a point where we are so motivated to make this work. I can't always expect to see immediate or constant results. There is progress and that to me, is something for me to hold on to.

 

Have a great night friends. Hope you all are well.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm proud of you for not asking him who it was when his phone lit up. I know how you felt/feel though! I used to get the worse feeling of dread every time my ex's phone would make an alert sound. It always bothered me, and my first instinct was to assume the worst. As I've said before, you're going to get that feeling for two reasons - one, because it's in your nature, and two, because you've actually caught him doing things he shouldn't. So please never feel bad about yourself for feeling worried or paranoid - you have the right to, given what he's done before. But I think it's beneficial for you to do what you're doing - trying to train yourself not to react, and talk yourself out of thinking the worst. It will benefit you in the long run, because it's a MUCH better feeling to feel calm and at ease rather than always worried and on edge. So do this for YOURSELF, so that you can enjoy your relationship. If he does something wrong, it will likely come out on its own at some point without having to watch his every move. I almost feel hypocritical saying that, given that I always watched and waited for mine to do something wrong, but I know how horrible that feels and I want you to feel better than that. If you strive to improve your reactions to things, and he still one day betrays you, you'll at least feel confident that you did everything you could do and aren't at all to blame (I know you blamed yourself a bit this last time). It's a process, but you'll get there! As for him... I can't imagine he would be stupid enough to be corresponding with any other women right now, after everything that has happened. Now is the time to learn to let go and trust - not necessarily because he deserves it, but because YOU do. You deserve to feel relaxed and happy.

 

I really like how you said: "There is progress and that to me, is something for me to hold on to." I completely agree!!

 

Thank you so much for your opinion on my situation, and for once again being understanding about why I still look at their pages. I know that some people "judge" it, and it's really nice to feel safe enough here to tell you what I see and know that I won't receive any judgement at all. So thank you for that. To answer your question, he hasn't been back on the dating site at all, and I'm not sure what to make of that. Nor have I seen him flirting with others on facebook like he's done in the past. This could be a good thing - in the past he seemed to always do it when he was maybe panicking a little and feeling the potential loss, so he would immediately go looking for others to avoid feeling it. So maybe he's not feeling a loss. Or it could be a bad thing - maybe he's still trying with her, or maybe someone else is giving him attention. I remind myself what you've told me, that it's impossible to know what's really going on in their lives beyond these small clues. Her husband updated his profile pic to an old one of them again today, for the first time in 3 or 4 months, so I take that as a potentially good sign.

 

Everything you said in your third paragraph is probably exactly what has happened, as far as him not experiencing the loss because she was immediately in the picture right afterwards. So I'm wondering, as they end (I hope it's now, but who knows if they'll go through yet another cycle), will he just feel the loss of her, and I'm out of his mind forever because he's so moved on? Or will he look back and remember what we had? I know that no one but him can answer that with any certainty, but it's just what I've been wondering. I can't help but feel that I'm nothing but a distant memory by now.

 

If he does call or text, you'll be the first one I tell for sure Unless it's so late at night that I'm sleeping, I'll immediately come and share it with you

 

Keep hanging in there, and be patient with yourself! It's going to take a lot of time and repetition and self-talk to overcome the automatic worries that you experience, but like I said, you'll get there. Especially if he continues to be patient and understanding. Find some way to reward him for that; let him know you appreciate it. People are inclined to continue doing those things for which they feel appreciated.

[Ksol9]

Just when I put my feet up thinking I could relax a little, this crazy life does something to show me I haven't seen anything yet!

 

I get a call around lunchtime from my guy. He said his boss has asked him to travel out of town for work overnight. A long pause followed. I lost my breath and I didn't have words to say. Everything I went through, the entire nightmare, flashed right before my eyes like it happened yesterday. I haven't been feeling well...I think I caught a cold or something. This added another weight to my back.

 

I know what I signed up for. This man has children, a job that requires travel. I knew my job description when I walked in the door. Everything that happened changed me, I know it has. I'm not the same. I don't have the same perspective. I'm not holding on to him like I used to. I can feel that deep inside of my soul. Something died when I found those emails. Whether it was the best or worst thing to happen to us, only time will tell.

 

He must have prepared himself for the conversation. I could hear the hostility in his voice. He must have assumed I would give him a hard time or give him an attitude about going. I'm sure he was surprised by my attitude. I'm proud of myself. At first, I began to cry because of the way he was speaking to me. I felt like he was giving me an ultamatum..move past this or rethink the relationship. In the same instant my first tear fell, I caught myself. Stand up straight KSol! the nightmare this man has put you through has made you stronge!. I began to tell him that I didn't understand why he was speaking to me in the hostile/defensive tone. I wasn't about to give him a yes or no about going. I'm not his mother to be giving permission. I told him I have no children so I wasn't going to watch over him like he was my grown child. He put me through hell and I wasn't going to continue living in grief. That isn't the life I want to lead and if that is all he is offering me then I'm not afraid to leave him. He was silent. He listened as I told him that I have a good head on my shoulders and I have my mind in the right place. I said that he is a man and I expect him to do the right thing. That is up to him. I don't need to control or manipulate him into doing right by me. We are past that. This is our last dance and if he leads me into darkness again, I'm walking. I told him I loved him. When he asked me what he can do to help me through this..I didn't have an answer.

 

I don't know what he can do to help me feel more secure when he is out of town. What is going to help? What can I do? We are both at a loss. Can you imagine how I'm feeling? I know he understands me and I understand him. Trust is so valuable. Break it and no one can promise you to give it back. Once you let that precious thing slip through your fingers, I just don't know what more to say...

 

I knew this was going to happen. I just had a conversation with him about this. He assured me that he wouldn't be traveling much yet here we are today dealing with an overnight trip sometime next week. He said he didn't know why he did such a stupid thing emailing that woman. He said it was a stupid mistake. No excuse will make me feel better. This is my burden to bare now. I don't know if I'm being too hard on him, but I have to prepare myself for this. It's happening whether I like it. I need to mentally and emotionally prepare for this.

 

What if I am trying to overlook something really bad about him? What if I am ignoring the truth? What if this man is what I have assumed? Someone who doesn't value this committed relationship. Someone who has casual sex. Oh gosh..,let me stop here before this gets out of control.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm sorry you're feeling this way! Okay, a few observations:

 

It sounds like there are certain things that are going to automatically trigger you to worry and doubt and feel anxious - his phone lighting up, him going out of town, etc. Completely understandable, but the fact that you're so reactive to it (I'm talking about your feelings right now, not how you react outwardly towards him) shows that you aren't healed from what happened, and you don't really trust him. I think you're struggling between wanting to trust him and feeling like you "should" trust him, but deep inside, you're scared something bad is going to happen again.

 

I think you're also doubting your perception of reality. You say: "What if I am trying to overlook something really bad about him? What if I am ignoring the truth? What if this man is what I have assumed? Someone who doesn't value this committed relationship. Someone who has casual sex." You don't know what to believe about him. This is also understandable, given what has happened. What does your therapist think?? Does she feel he can be trusted at this point? Does she have a solid opinion on his character?

 

I don't know what he can do to help me feel more secure when he is out of town. What is going to help? What can I do? We are both at a loss.

I think I remember you saying during the break(up) that if you two got back together, there would have to be full transparency, and he would have to go to counseling. Have you discussed this with him? Forgive me if I'm remembering incorrectly, but did you say something about needing him to share his passwords with you if you got back together? I know you don't want to snoop through his phone, and want to stop yourself from asking him who called, and things like that. But would it make you feel better to have full access to his accounts? If it would make you feel better, and if he has nothing to hide, then maybe it would create more security?

 

He said he didn't know why he did such a stupid thing emailing that woman. He said it was a stupid mistake.

I really don't like the "I don't know why" answer, and I don't think it's doing you any favors either. He surely has some idea -- he's just unable or unwanting to express it. He's not as insightful as you are, but I'm sure he has some clue. It wasn't just an "oopsy" mistake that happened out of nowhere. I think you would feel better if you had some idea why he did it. I agree that no excuse is going to cut it, BUT, I think you need a better understanding of what caused him to do it. I think it will better help you judge how trustworthy he is, how committed he is. You can't fix a problem without first identifying what the problem is. He will probably get frustrated if you push him to open up about it, but he's the one who did the wrong thing, and these are the consequences - he now has to work to regain you trust. Not as punishment, but because that's just what happens when you betray someone. Trust is broken and has to be rebuilt.

 

"When he asked me what he can do to help me through this..I didn't have an answer." I really like that he asked you this. I think you should spend some time with yourself trying to identify exactly what would help you feel better, and what you need in order to move forward with trust. And then communicate this to him, especially since he asked.

 

I really do understand how you're feeling, and I now how awful it feels. I'm sorry! Just reading your post takes me back to all those times I felt the exact same way with mine. It's a horrible place to be. I'm really interested to know what your therapist has been suggesting over the past couple of weeks?

 

One more thought -- I think when something like this comes up (he told you he'll be going out of town, you immediately went into alert-mode, and your thoughts started spiraling into all kinds of doubts), you can do one of a few things:

1) Redirect your thoughts until the anxiety passes. Get busy and involved with something, or do something that calms you like taking a walk or sipping some tea

2) Self-talk yourself into more positive thinking. Counter each negative with something more positive

3) Really dig deep and explore where this is coming from and what needs to happen for you to feel better

I can see benefits in all three of the above. Maybe if you have a plan in place for how you're going to react when you're triggered, you'll feel slightly more in control.

 

I'll try to check back in regularly for the next few hours if you want to write back and forth a bit. Otherwise, hang in there! I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but "this too shall pass"