Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[lostlove76]

I just saw your last two posts after I posted mine. They say that a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts!

 

It probably is best to wait - you don't want to go over there and him forget some of what you talked about by morning, because he's drunk.

[dirkdaring]

Definitely sounded like he's drunk. I would stay with your initial thought, don't go over there, don't let him come over, take the time to think through this and give yourself a day to answer(and him a day to sober up).

 

Don't rush this. He's definitely thinking about you, but it may not be in the right way. Just wait until tomorrow, then think about it, or see if he texts again with any explanations.

[East4]

Ksol, your ex was drunk and horny. He wanted you to come over to have sex, not to talk. Don't be stupid and go for yet another round of same old, same old. I think this guy is dead end. He will not do the work on himself necessary to correct things. Sometimes when we work on ourself, we get to think that others are into self growth too, but it is not always the case. The self growth is for your own benefit, but do not expect it from others.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I know you're going to be having doubts and negative thoughts throughout the night and in the morning. I tend to sleep really late because I can't fall asleep early at night, so I just wanted to leave you a little something to read when you get up. And then I'll check in as soon as I'm awake and clear-headed.

 

I really don't doubt his intentions here. I don't think he was after a booty call. He knows good and well that you're not going to be so stupid or stoop so low, so he wouldn't even bother trying. He wants you back. I believe him that he's been thinking about you all along. Plus, this is not a one-off occurance. He had already sent the picture of you guys, during a time when he was not out drinking with his boss. Being drunk tonight simply gave him the courage to say what he already wanted to say.

 

I don't mean any disrespect in disagreeing with anyone else's opinion! I just know that you're so prone to negative self-talk, and confusion, and overthinking (as am I, obviously!) and so I don't want you to start believing the worst between now and when you end up talking to him.

 

I also wanted to say to be prepared not to hear from him again right away, and not to take it as a bad sign. He may wake up and feel "weird" (I don't know how else to describe it) about having been vulnerable, and may retreat a bit to get his bearings again. Or he may wait for you to let him know when you are ready to talk - he may not want to push you. I think he will probably reach out again within a couple of days, but just in case he doesn't, try not to let your mind start thinking the worst.

 

Tonight was great progress, and what we've been waiting for! So take it for what it is and allow yourself to feel good in knowing that he does still care and does want to fix things. Hugs. I hope you're getting some decent sleep, and I'll talk to you tomorrow.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I know you're going to be having doubts and negative thoughts throughout the night and in the morning. I tend to sleep really late because I can't fall asleep early at night, so I just wanted to leave you a little something to read when you get up. And then I'll check in as soon as I'm awake and clear-headed.

 

I really don't doubt his intentions here. I don't think he was after a booty call. He knows good and well that you're not going to be so stupid or stoop so low, so he wouldn't even bother trying. He wants you back. I believe him that he's been thinking about you all along. Plus, this is not a one-off occurance. He had already sent the picture of you guys, during a time when he was not out drinking with his boss. Being drunk tonight simply gave him the courage to say what he already wanted to say.

 

I don't mean any disrespect in disagreeing with anyone else's opinion! I just know that you're so prone to negative self-talk, and confusion, and overthinking (as am I, obviously!) and so I don't want you to start believing the worst between now and when you end up talking to him.

 

I also wanted to say to be prepared not to hear from him again right away, and not to take it as a bad sign. He may wake up and feel "weird" (I don't know how else to describe it) about having been vulnerable, and may retreat a bit to get his bearings again. Or he may wait for you to let him know when you are ready to talk - he may not want to push you. I think he will probably reach out again within a couple of days, but just in case he doesn't, try not to let your mind start thinking the worst.

 

Tonight was great progress, and what we've been waiting for! So take it for what it is and allow yourself to feel good in knowing that he does still care and does want to fix things. Hugs. I hope you're getting some decent sleep, and I'll talk to you tomorrow.

 

Thank you so very much for this. You think so much like me and I am very thankful to have found you here on this board. Your thoughts are right along with mine. Thank you so much for this post.

 

I'm not able to go back to sleep. He ended up texting me again after I fell asleep and he said I'm sorry if I was out of line for asking you to come over. I want to talk this through with you. I realize how much I need you.

 

His words sounds so much like mine when he broke up with me in February. I know exactly what he is feeling. I know what he is going through.

 

I absolutely think you are 100% right that he mustered up the courage after going out with his boss. One, they must have had some drinks as they usually do and two, his boss is a pretty influentional guy. They're around the same age and are great friends so I know without a doubt his boss had something to do with it. I'm almost certain he was feeling secure enough and brave enough to talk last night. And you are also correct that this was not a one time occurance. This was something that was going on in his mind. I'm sure of that.

 

Everything possible was running through my head. I was thinking all sorts of things So i am glad I did not go over there. There will be a better time to talk either in person or on the phone and knowing him, he will want to talk face to face. I also agree that he may not call right away or he might wait for me. I think that took a lot of courage for him to contact me last night and the alcohol and his boss was helpful. That is why he was so persistent in us talking tonight. He may not have the same courage tomorrow. i think you are spot on about that. I'm just going to sit back and let it all sink in. If I hear from him right away, we'll talk. If not, I can wait. I'm going to try to focus on the positive and that is encouraging him to work on this together so that we don't end up in this problem again. It's so important that I stand my ground and not allow him to brush this under the rug..which I believe he will try to do if I allow him. It seems that he just wants us back together. I've been in his shoes.

 

Thank you again for leaving this post for me to read upon waking up. I really needed this. I hope you're well and thank you so much for your support through it all.

[lostlove76]

Aw, you're very welcome ksol

 

I agree that you should focus on the positive right now, and it sounds like you're doing that!! Your last post sounded so much more hopeful than all previous posts, and I'm so glad to see that You have a really good head on your shoulders, and I have confidence that you'll handle this in the best way for yourself and that you guys have a shot at a fixing this thing. Just remain strong and let him know exactly what you need from him going forward. I think he'll be willing to do the work, even if it's uncomfortable for him.

 

Let me know if you hear from him. I'll keep checking back. I hope you're having a good day

[Ksol9]

I didn't hear from him today, but I'm thinking he may contact me later this evening to come over again. I am feeling a little indifferent about going over to the house. I think my reluctance is just fear. I am afraid of having this talk. It's the biggest cause of my anxiety right now. I am so afraid that he might tell me things were worse than what I had already found out about, I'm worrying that I may not be able to speak about all the concerns I have. What if I forget something? What if I get emotional? It's just a lot of pressure. I'm trying not to think too much about it and Im just hoping that everything goes smoothly. I know what the objective is and I think the rest will just have to come from the heart. I don't think there is a way to really prepare for this.

 

I was very surprised to hear the words I heard from him last night. I would never have expected that from him. He has never opened up like that..ever. Even when I met him, he has never been so emotional. Hes a very reserved person and doesn't express his feelings much....so that blew me away. There is alot of reassurance in those words alone. I know those words have to come with actions, but knowing the person he is....that took alot of courage for him to say just that alone. He wouldn't have said it if it wasn't what he was feeling.

 

My concern is about going to his house to talk. I want to be able to have a conversation with him and I don't want it to go any further than that. I want to talk, let that settle in, and then decide if it's something I think we can sort out. I just really need to have an open and honest talk with him before making any decisions and I want to lay that on the table first. I don't even know how to tell him this. I feel like every move I make is careful and well thought out. I dont know if he is just hoping for me to come over, kiss and makeup, and everything goes back to normal. He seems to just want me there in his presence. He has been avoiding any kind of conversation for a long time now. He hasnt said anything to me all day and I'm assuming you were right in that he probably woke up feeling weird. I don't know if to accept the invitation to come over and demand a conversation when I get there or if I should politely ask him what all of this means and let him know that I need to have an open and honest talk before moving forward? What if I bring up the mention of a talk and he gets scared? I really don't know what to do.

[Ksol9]

Aw, you're very welcome ksol

 

Remember all the stages of grief. The last being acceptance. You might go back and forth between stages, but you will finally get to a place of peace. That may take a while. I wonder once you finally come to terms with everything, if then you may consider reaching out to him? As my story is proof, it is always best to wait for them, but circumstances differ. I've also read a lot of stories from others saying they just knew deep down inside their guy wasn't truly happy, even when he was with someone else, but when they finally let go, even without him seeing this, that is when he came back around. It's all a process and truly believe in that. My guy has followed a timeline, both times. It seems they can't bare missing you around the 6-8 week mark if they aren't seeing anyone else. It can take much longer when someone else is involved. I've seen a lot of people saying 3-8 months. That timeframe scares the crap out of me because I know the internal struggle I went through in just the first month.

 

I think you are doing the right thing. Take all the time you need to process what you have been feeling lately. Has there been anything new on their pages? Are you still visiting frequently or have you been able to go on less?

 

I don't know what to do about my guy and I hope everything falls into place. I hope the same for you. I just want you to know I'll be here to support you. When you're ready to talk about your thoughts about him, post anytime. Take care.

[lostlove76]

Hmm. I can totally understand your rush of thoughts about how this could all go. But I think you're going to freak yourself out and exhaust yourself if you try to think about every last detail of what's to come. It's good to have a plan in place for sure, but you don't want to work yourself up so much before seeing him that you're completely tense and anxious when you get there. (And I can say this, because I too have the tendency to work myself into a mess before some potentially stressful situation! So I know how it feels.).

 

When I went over to see mine after the three weeks NC that followed going through his phone and finding out he had been with others (long time ago, before we ever had the exclusive talk)... When he called, and then when I went over to talk, I let him do the talking. I wanted to hear what he had to say. And after to listening to him, I responded with how I felt, asked questions, told him what I needed in order for this to work. I didn't plan for it, because I didn't have time to. And it went fine. So I would suggest just hearing him out at first. Get a feel for where he's at and what he's thinking. Let him lead the convo to start with. If he doesn't do that, and it appears that he doesn't know how or wants to see if it can be brushed under the rug, then tell him what you need.

 

Another suggestion: In the meantime, you might want to write down on a piece of paper everything you want to say to him and every question you want to ask him and everything you need from him going forward. Just the act of writing it down will organize your thoughts, and help you remember it more later when you're talking to him. You can even keep it in your purse and refer to it in the bathroom if you want to make sure you're not forgetting something. Then after you write the list, try to do something that calms and relaxes you so that you aren't all worked up when you go over.

 

These are just suggestions!! You may feel something else will work better for you, and that's totally fine! This is just what I would probably do in your situation, if I had advance notice of the talk.

 

I also totally understand the fear that he'll tell you that more happened than what you know about. It could be that you found all there was to find. But if he tells you more, I guess you'll just have to decide if it's something you can get past. Are you sure you want to know everything? I never wanted to know, even though I snooped and snooped to see if I could find anything. I was always scared to death that I would find something. What I found was bad enough. Just make sure you want to know everything before you ask, and that you'll be able to handle it if there's more.

 

ETA: I see you posted as I was writing mine, oops. I need to do something real quick and then I'll read and reply to that one, brb

[lostlove76]

Remember all the stages of grief. The last being acceptance. You might go back and forth between stages, but you will finally get to a place of peace. That may take a while. I wonder once you finally come to terms with everything, if then you may consider reaching out to him? As my story is proof, it is always best to wait for them, but circumstances differ. I've also read a lot of stories from others saying they just knew deep down inside their guy wasn't truly happy, even when he was with someone else, but when they finally let go, even without him seeing this, that is when he came back around. It's all a process and truly believe in that. My guy has followed a timeline, both times. It seems they can't bare missing you around the 6-8 week mark if they aren't seeing anyone else. It can take much longer when someone else is involved. I've seen a lot of people saying 3-8 months. That timeframe scares the crap out of me because I know the internal struggle I went through in just the first month.

 

I think you are doing the right thing. Take all the time you need to process what you have been feeling lately. Has there been anything new on their pages? Are you still visiting frequently or have you been able to go on less?

 

I don't know what to do about my guy and I hope everything falls into place. I hope the same for you. I just want you to know I'll be here to support you. When you're ready to talk about your thoughts about him, post anytime. Take care.

 

Thank you so much for your kindness and support, and insight

 

Everything would just be so different if he hadn't jumped right into this thing with her. Because of the situation, I will never ever contact him. Most especially not while he's with her, but probably not even if I discovered they had ended. It would all need to be his idea to make contact in order for me to know he was truly thinking of me. I wouldn't want him to just go along with it if I reached out (which is pretty much exactly what you said about yours, too, I know). Sometimes I feel like I would like to tell him how horrible what he did was, and how much it hurt me. But I don't think he would really care, and I already told him all those things the last time we talked (and many many times leading up to it). I would like to be wrong, but I don't think he feels remorse in the same way that most people do. I can't diagnose him (and lord knows I've tried!), but he has admitted to being narcissitic, and being able to turn off feelings when he wants to. I don't know if it's the alcohol or what, but something just doesn't click in that regard for him (caring about having hurt others). It's wieird, because I've seen him have the biggest heart, and feel sorry for people, and not want to make anyone feel bad. But then in relationships (and after breakups), he can be very cold and appear emotionless. His ex told me that she and all her friends thought he was a sociopath. His other ex that I've talked to said similar things. So I don't believe he feels bad at all about how hurtful what he did was to me. Therefore, I guess there's no point in telling him yet again.

 

I just don't foresee his thing with her ending any time soon. She and her best friend have gone at it a couple more times on Facebook, and it looks like the best friend will be moving back home with her family. Which means they won't be getting a place together like married woman had mentioned. Which means she has nowhere else to go and will be staying in the living situation with my ex. I think the reason she doesn't post any hints of them being together is because she's still married, and she has her daughter, and his family and her family, and mutual friends of the husband on her page. I see it as her being extremely sneaky. She still needs him, because he's 100% taking care of the teen daughter she left behind (the younger one is living with her own father). He's her stepdad, not her real dad, and yet he's a stand up guy and taking care of things at home while she ran off to the beach and abandoned everything. It's sickening. But anyways, she isn't on her own two feet yet, so she'll continue to live with my guy. It may be somewhat casual and convenient in her eyes, but they've surely gotten super close since they live together.

 

One more thing - her best friend did post some cryptic thing about stepping on someone's toes and "sorry not sorry that she made em happier" and she guess it was time to go home now. I know it was directed at the married woman, because she's been posting a lot of things directed at her. So my worst-case-scenario mind came up with the explanation that my ex is feeling jealous of the friendship and doesn't want married woman to move out. Of course that's just a guess.

 

I honestly just feel like he has completely moved on, bonded with this woman, and doesn't think about me at all anymore. He has this whole life down there that doesn't include me. It's been 3+ months now, and I don't think he's ever coming back. If she left, he might then remember me, but doesn't look like she's leaving

[lostlove76]

Here's a good thread you may want to follow

 

[Ksol9]

Ive been feeling so strange today. I didn't even have an appetite to eat. My schedule was all out of whack. These turn of events just sent me spinning. I just need to try to remain calm because if I work myself up, I will just become a nervous wreck and I won't get anything accomplished. I took your advice and I wrote a list of things that were important for us to discuss. I've decided that if he calls to meet at his home or elsewhere, I will meet with him. I'm just prepared to keep my emotions under control. It's so very important that we have a talk. I know from past experience how difficult that is. It has happened all too often, he won't bring it up and I won't and then it's business as usual. I am very apprehensive, but I will stand my ground. I need to be tough with him, no matter how much I love him. I also thought about discussing the cheating. I do need to hear it from him. I don't need to know details, but I need to know if he slept with her and if there were others on any other occasion he went out of town. I also want to know his reasons why. After that, all we need to discuss is how we plan to move forward. We need to focus on our relationship. We need to nurture it and not abandon eachother. Us not speaking for months needs to stop and that cycle needs to be broken. I want to emphasize that we need to be there for eachother through good and bad. Lastly, I want to make it clear that I'm not going through this again and if I have to deal with anything close to cheating..this will be the end of the road permanently. I don't think it's a lengthy discussion, but a necessary one.

 

I haven't heard from him today. I am thinking I may not hear from him at all. He may be feeling strange after last night. He may even be feeling embarrassed that he expressed himself and I didn't give him much feedback other than I was open to seeing him. At the other side of the spectrum, I am thinking maybe he isn't serious about is getting back together at all. Maybe he is just hoping I'll come around on my own. Maybe he doesn't have any intentions of changing or even talking. Maybe he will give up because he sees that I am not reciprocating. I don't know what's going to happen. There is so much uncertainty. This is constantly testing my patience. Gosh, I hope the wait will be worth it.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove, I wanted to reply to your post that you wrote about your guy. I can completely understand how you are feeling about everything right now. Because so much time has passed you are feeling like all hope is lost.

 

I know you may be feeling like he doesn't think about you and that he doesn't feel bad about what happened with the both of you, but look at what happened with me. I thought my guy never loved me. I thought the entire relationship was just a scam. When I left him, I was devastated that he never once tried to reach out to me. I felt that he didn't care one bit about what he did. I felt that he was thinking he didn't do anything wrong and that is why he didn't have anything to say to me...when thats not what it appears to be from his recent text messages. He just didn't know how to make things right. Not everyone can express their feelings openly and freely. You said it yourself that your guy doesn't feel remorse, he may even lack empathy. While that may be true, it is also likely that he just doesn't show it. It takes quite a bit of courage to pursue a woman endlessly only to be rejected over and over. I still feel he gave up because he felt he had no choice and no matter how long this woman is around, he did not forget about you so soon. I'm sure he wonders about you, but because she is living there, he wouldn't act on any of that curiosity just yet.

 

You mentioned that she would not post photos of herself and your guy because of her husband and family. If he is taking care of her daughter, a child that isn't his own, that tells me she has unfinished business with him. He may be hoping she will come back eventually. The whole situation sounds so messy and she is at the root of it all. She is not a good person at all. I think that if I were in your shoes, I would think the very worst as well. It's such a lose, lose situation. Either way you are suffering and I'm so sorry for that. We don't know how long she will be around and when she does leave, we are not sure how long it will take for him to reach out. I still believe he will eventually reach out to you. In the meantime, have you thought of any ways you'd like to move on? I don't think it has to be that definite. You can come to a peaceful place where you accept the situation for what it is and if he comes back, great...if he doesn't, you have to find a way to be ok with that. I know 3 months seems like forever..trust me I know because it felt like an eternity before my guy finally came forward, but most of these stories Ive read about breakups and rebounds seem to have a lengthy time of NC. I don't think I've ever seen anything under 3 months. Your situation is similar to mine in the fact that you don't know what he is thinking. Just like me, you feel that he doesn't care and isn't even thinking of you because there is no signs of it. Everyone will tell you to let go lostlove, I'm going to tell you to hold on to hope until YOU are ready to let go. Please try to stay strong. Continue to read things that motivate you. Take care of yourself. There is no time limit. Don't pressure yourself to move on even when you feel there is no hope left. Just make sure you are taking care of yourself and you will make steps in the right direction at your own pace. You'll make changes in your life, one by one, when you are ready.

 

I'm feeling sort of down that I didn't hear from mine today. I'm worried that he will give up. This silence thing really scares me, but it is very evident what he has difficulty with. This shows how difficult it is for him to take initiative to communicate. Even after I texted back a few times, he knows I am open to talking. There wasn't an ounce of anger, so he knows I'm willing to talk. I don't even know if I'm handling this ok. Do you think I should be reciprocating? He hasn't told me directly that he wanted to try to work things out. I mean it's obvious by the text messages that he knows he messed up, but I didn't feel it was appropriate to go over there last night. I don't know if I'll hear from him again. Here comes more waiting. You and I will be masters at patience after this experience.

[rand100417]

I'm pretty sure if you sit tight he will reach out again. That's what I think. And I think the attitude you described above is smart (that you need to be tough even though you love him.)

[Ksol9]

I'm pretty sure if you sit tight he will reach out again. That's what I think. And I think the attitude you described above is smart (that you need to be tough even though you love him.)

 

Thank you for the reassurance and encouragement that I am going about this in the right way. I really need that right now as I am feeling a bit confused.

 

Hope you are doing well.

[Ksol9]

Woke up this morning feeling really sad. Sad for him, sad for myself...the whole situation. We're stuck somewhere. I keep going back thinking about what he did. Even if he didn't sleep with anyone, the intention was there. How do I know this won't happen again? I can bet he has had this same problem before he met me in previous relationships. There are just some men who live this way. No mater how much faith you have in them, they don't value their relationship. You hear about this everywhere. People don't value their relationships these days. It's like causal sex outside of your relationship is in fashion. These are my negative thoughts taking over again.

 

I saw him this morning. He was stopped at a light and I had to turn right in front of him. It was so awkward. I didn't want to look. So strange that we pass eachother like perfect strangers. I know he saw me and he knows I saw him. He made an attempt to make amends the other night and it was a failed attmept. I'm getting impatient and he probably doesn't feel there is anything he can do. He probably doesn't want to keep pushing me for fear I will reject or that he will look like a complete psycho. I want to help him, but I don't want to push. It won't be beneficial to me in the long run. It's like we are right there....so close to getting back on track. This is excruciating...it really is. I need more patience. I'm really scared he will give up.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm feeling extremely bummed out right now, so I may not write much. They added each other back on Facebook this morning, which just means they're currently in a good place I didn't get hardly any sleep at all last night, because I kept tossing and turning and imagining how much better he's treating her than he ever treated me. How much more committed he probably is. I'm just running completely on empty right now. I really appreciate your post of thoughts about the situation, thank you so much. I'm still processing everything. I need to come up with a plan to let go of the hope. You said don't push myself, and I appreciate that

 

I agree with Anya that you're doing the right things, and that if you sit tight he will reach out again. He's not going to let this go. He wants to be with you. They say that slow and steady wins the race. So if a few more days, or a week, or however long, has to pass before you hear from him and you two can talk, it's okay - that's nothing compared to the length of a long-term relationship. He will reach out again, I have no doubt.

 

I hope you're feeling okay today. I'll check in a little later

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I'm feeling extremely bummed out right now, so I may not write much. They added each other back on Facebook this morning, which just means they're currently in a good place I didn't get hardly any sleep at all last night, because I kept tossing and turning and imagining how much better he's treating her than he ever treated me. How much more committed he probably is. I'm just running completely on empty right now. I really appreciate your post of thoughts about the situation, thank you so much. I'm still processing everything. I need to come up with a plan to let go of the hope. You said don't push myself, and I appreciate that

 

I agree with Anya that you're doing the right things, and that if you sit tight he will reach out again. He's not going to let this go. He wants to be with you. They say that slow and steady wins the race. So if a few more days, or a week, or however long, has to pass before you hear from him and you two can talk, it's okay - that's nothing compared to the length of a long-term relationship. He will reach out again, I have no doubt.

 

I hope you're feeling okay today. I'll check in a little later

 

So sorry you're feeling so terrible today. I'm feeling terribly low as well. I know this has been a roller coaster ride for you. Seeing their back and forth on Facebook. You're given a little hope and then it's taken away. I can just imagine how you're feeling. Because we think so much alike, I know just what is going through your head. I think you're just going to have to endure this very low point. Go through the motions. Once you are feeling a little better and when you can see everything a little more objectively, then you can think about a plan. I feel terrible that you're going through this. It's torture. It really is.

 

Just like you, I've been tossing and turning these past couple of nights. I would explain it just as you did...it feels like a nightmare. Most would not allow another person to have this kind of control over their emotions. It's just not that simple when it comes to matters of the heart. My therapist has always told me, you can't make this disappear when you want it to. Just go through it with as much courage as you can muster. This is just something you have to feel. There isn't a way around it. I am starting to get all those negative thoughts again. I'm thinking about this woman that my guy has reached out to whenever we would get into arguments. Maybe he has feelings for her? Maybe he has been talking to her? Maybe there is someone else? Maybe he has met someone new? It's just mind boggling that he would be taking this amount of time to have a straightforward talk with me. He hasn't said he wants to see if we can sort this out. He said he wanted to see me and that he needed me. I also know he feels guilt for what he did, but who's to say that those are not just things he knows he's supposed to say. It's very out of character for him to show these kinds of emotions. I was blown away, but at the same time, why hasn't he taken the initiative to talk to me about everything. It's like he's afraid to call me. Maybe he really was just drunk that night. I know he has been thinking of me and may want to get back together, but maybe it's of no importance to talk about anything. I'm just confused and I'm becoming discouraged. I keep thinking there are still other women in the picture and I don't want to get involved with something like that again. I just don't know what is happening. I will take your advice and sit tight. I don't understand why this is being drawn out. My mind is has been in overdrive since the text on Sunday. I would think since the door to communication is open, he would be trying to talk more even if it was just small talk. Will just have to wait and see what is going to happen.

[dirkdaring]

You're doing the right thing to wait for him to contact you. I know it's hard, sometimes impossible, to NOT project what he's feeling, but you have to break that cycle, because that's what's eating you up and preventing you from sleeping well(SUPER IMPORTANT) and feeling like yourself.

[Ksol9]

You're doing the right thing to wait for him to contact you. I know it's hard, sometimes impossible, to NOT project what he's feeling, but you have to break that cycle, because that's what's eating you up and preventing you from sleeping well(SUPER IMPORTANT) and feeling like yourself.

 

You're absolutely correct. One of the most important things I've learned from this whole experience, is about self care. Eating and sleeping well is at the top of the list. I tend to feel so much worse if I haven't slept well. My emotions are heightened and I can't think straight. I need to make sure I get a good nights rest tonight. I'm not expecting to hear from him and I'm just going to put it in my mind that I'll react if/when he contacts.

 

I'm feeling a little more confident now that I've heard input from you and others about my reluctance to run over there. I've thought it through quite a bit and I think the best thing to do is wait for him to contact. The appropriate time will come for us to talk. I understand that time will help me see his motives more clearly.

 

I hope that you're holding up ok. I know that you're going through a lot of uncertainty as well in your own situation.

[dirkdaring]

You're absolutely correct. One of the most important things I've learned from this whole experience, is about self care. Eating and sleeping well is at the top of the list. I tend to feel so much worse if I haven't slept well. My emotions are heightened and I can't think straight. I need to make sure I get a good nights rest tonight. I'm not expecting to hear from him and I'm just going to put it in my mind that I'll react if/when he contacts.

 

So good that you recognize this. Not eating well and not sleeping well will only cause HUGE setbacks and long nights of irrational thought.

 

I'm feeling a little more confident now that I've heard input from you and others about my reluctance to run over there. I've thought it through quite a bit and I think the best thing to do is wait for him to contact. The appropriate time will come for us to talk. I understand that time will help me see his motives more clearly.

 

This, exactly this. Good that you didn't just cave and go over there at his first whim. That would have been SO EASY, but would NOT have been a rational decision. When you're thinking clearly, you post it on here and make a lot of sense, about thinking things through and being logical over emotional.

 

I hope that you're holding up ok. I know that you're going through a lot of uncertainty as well in your own situation.

 

Some days are better than others. It's just plain hard. I went from feeling important and communicating with someone every day to feeling alone and rejected overnight. That energy has been hard to displace, those daily thoughts of her and her daughter and wanting that life to immediately and without my control being left out to dry. Some people say I should have seen it coming. Some say that I should just walk away and move on. Some say I'll never get the answers I hope to, or that I have to create those answers for myself. I know no one can just tell me something and have magical clarity, but I'm trying, and it's still really hard to find solace.

[Ksol9]

This, exactly this. Good that you didn't just cave and go over there at his first whim. That would have been SO EASY, but would NOT have been a rational decision. When you're thinking clearly, you post it on here and make a lot of sense, about thinking things through and being logical over emotional.

 

I am glad I didn't just go running over there, not because I'm trying to play hard to get or anything like that...it's just that I needed to process things as I go I guess. I thought that after we established that the door to communication was open, we would be talking more frequently. He is still distant for some reason, so I am glad I didn't rush. As they say, fools rush in. I've done that too many times to count. This is the first time, ever, that I am sitting back and allowing him the opportunity to do some work. It's proving to be a very slow process for him. For all I know, he has decided to give up..I really don't know. I've been thinking the very worst, but as you said, it's probably just irrational thinking.

 

I think this forum has proven to be a major help...and I'm sure you agree. We can come here to share our thoughts. For me, actually typing my thoughts, helps me to sort things out. I get feedback and that provides reassurance. The end result is logical thinking and good decisions. Combined with counseling, I've made significant change. It's been excruciatingly difficult, but I am can see and feel the progress I've made. I'm making much better decisions.

 

I think my biggest worry right now is that at the rate things are going with my guy, I worry that things may just die off. Maybe he'll stop missing me, maybe he'll decide he can't continue like this, maybe he'll think I don't want to work this out and he'll give up. Too many maybes...patience ksol, patience.

 

Some days are better than others. It's just plain hard. I went from feeling important and communicating with someone every day to feeling alone and rejected overnight. That energy has been hard to displace, those daily thoughts of her and her daughter and wanting that life to immediately and without my control being left out to dry. Some people say I should have seen it coming. Some say that I should just walk away and move on. Some say I'll never get the answers I hope to, or that I have to create those answers for myself. I know no one can just tell me something and have magical clarity, but I'm trying, and it's still really hard to find solace.

 

I remember feeling like this...exactly like this. I had this resounding feeling from things being left unresolved. I realized that there was no way I was going to get answers. I think over time and after alot of reflecting, you will be able to make sense of everything regarding the relationship and everything surrounding it's failure with the exception of why she decided to end it. You will never be able to make sense of her decision without actually hearing her reasons why. You will speculate, but a definite answer will have to come from her. You will have to try your hardest, to come to terms with that and that is the most challenging thing ever...trust me I've been there. I guess it's just a process that can't be rushed or avoided. We have to go through it in order to get to a place where we are somewhat at peace and have come to terms with it all. That's especially difficult when your heart does not want to accept. How long have you been in NC?

[lostlove76]

Hey ksol, just stopping in to say hi. I'm glad to see that dirk has been here to talk with you (hi dirk), so that you weren't left with no one to talk to. He has some wise advice, I see I'm really not doing well. I feel like I've been drowning in quicksand all day long, barely able to breathe. Seeing him add her back on Facebook really did me in. Then this afternoon I saw that she liked a rental service place down there (for apartments and such), and I KNOW that this means they're looking to get a bigger place together. I would like to be wrong, but I've become pretty good at reading the clues. Her best friend is moving back home, and so they're looking for a bigger place together rather than her moving out with her best friend. He got jealous and didn't want her to move out. I can see it might sound silly to form a conclusion based on such scant information, but I can just tell what's up. They're going to be together for the long haul. So that's why I've felt this way all day. Just wanted to update you real quick. It sounds like you're keeping things in perspective and handling it as well as could be expected. I feel confident that he's not going to let it fade away. And just remember that if you run out of patience (I certainly would!), you can always initiate something if you want to. There are really no rules here. Just knowing that you have the option - a plan B if you don't hear from him soon - might make you feel a little less like things are out of your control.

 

Hang in there, ksol (and dirk!). This is such a hard time for all of us. Let's hope it's gotten as low as it can go, and that things can only improve from here (eventually). Hugs.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove,

 

I've been thinking of you. I know you're going through a tough time. You've become quite the investigator. I am too, so I know when you say you've put together clues, you may have seen quite a few things that have lead you to the conclusions you have come to at the moment. It sounds like their recent likes and her best friend's posts were quite direct. Do you think there is a chance you are misreading? If there isn't and you are pretty sure they are solidifying their relationship, I can see why you feel all hope is lost. I would also question myself in holding on to hope. At the end of the day, your health and your sanity comes first. This is going to take a toll on you as it has already. There haven't been any signs from him that he is thinking of you since his last contact, so this is also making things even harder. He has no idea you are still hoping that he'd try to contact you and if he knew, I can bet things would be different right now. I'm just really sorry. You really have to do what is best for you and no one can know what that is but you. These things are so unpredictable, one minute this the next that. It controls our mood and this has proven to be unhealthy. I know as more time goes by without hearing from my guy, I will go back into that downward spiral. I'm almost expecting it. I just wish I knew how to help you. Now rather than giving him time to reconnect, you have to give yourself time to get out of this little dark spot.

 

While I am trying to keep things into perspective, I am beginning to worry. As you said, there are no rules and I don't think it wouldnt be wrong if I were to ask him directly what all of this is about and if he'd like to sort things out, I'd much rather wait for him to make a clear move in that direction. That way I'd feel a little more secure. He is the one who messed up and I have to be sure, without pushing him, that he wants this for the right reasons. I don't really know what he is thinking. He may be going back and forth with this.. I really don't know. I just feel that if he has gotten this close, why hasn't he tried to make amends. It's best I wait.

 

Hang in there lostlove. You're strong enough to get through this. I know you feel like everything is so uncertain at the moment, but I just know you'll pull yourself out of this.

[lostlove76]

Hey ksol. You do help me, with your kind words and understanding

 

I can completely put myself in your shoes and understand all your thoughts and worries, but from the outside looking in, I remain confident that he will soon do what it takes to reconcile. I don't think hes going to forget, or lose interest, or give up. I actually feel very hopeful and unworried for you right now (unworried as far as future outlook). I feel pretty sure that you two will be working things out soon, even if it's at a slow pace. I just typed a whole paragraph about a two-month period I went through with mine at one time, where things were very sloooow and drawn out and uncertain but then got back on track... but I deleted it because I'm on my phone and it's so hard to reread and edit and make sure I'm saying what I want to say. I'm housesitting and don't have my laptop with me. But my point was to show that even if contact is slow and sporadic, it doesn't mean anything bad. I think he's being cautious for all the reasons I've named before. But he wants this, I really do believe. So try to ride the relief of hearing from him for as long as you can, and I'll be here to remind you that your negative thoughts are most likely not reality.