Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 kbbcoop...he isn't in pain for ending a relationship with someone he loved....i sure there is some relief because there was a lot of pressure..and I'm sure he is in less pain than me without a doubt..i can hardly get out of bed... but do i think what he wrote me was a lie? no...i want to believe this person i just shared a year of my life with Link to comment
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 should i ask him if we are on a break or broken up? it doesn't seem clear and maybe i need him to be brutal and day we are broken up and i need to move on...when i asked him if we were broken up or on a break that was the response i got..the email i copied in the last post...i don't know what that means..i know no contact is the best thing to do.....but i feel in limbo here Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 I really recommend reading this online guide it REALLY helped me in my grief. My wife left me and our daughter after 24 years together and i was destroyed. Now I'm fine. It takes time and ZERO contact to work them out of your head... http://Www.breakuprecoveryguide.com Link to comment
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 I'm sorry that happened to you kbbcoop77. thats awful...ive never had a relationship last more than a year and i am 36...i feel like i am dying..i can't imagine 24 year relationship. ugh...life is rough..thank you for the break up guide..i will read it.. just the thought of him not part of my life anymore is debilitating...i really thought he was the one..i got rid of all my self help relationship books because i didn't think id ever need them anymore...how can you trust anyone after this... Link to comment
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 id like to hold on to the idea that if it is meant to be it will be and if i meant something to him he will realize it...and leave it at that...that gives me peace...i don't care if holding on to a little hope is bad...it helps right now... Link to comment
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 so i shouldn't ask him if this a break or a break up? i guess he would have made it clear if he wanted just a trial break to think thinks over..but then again he said he needed time to think things over....sorry i can't stop posting....i will take a deep breath....thank you for your responses Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 Seriously, do you want marriage and children? At the very least, it sounds like you want marriage and I think you deserve someone who wants that with you. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 marriage and children isn't as important to me as a relationship where someone wants to share their life and live with me... Link to comment
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 and even right now i didn't need it right away...i just wanted to feel like i was on the same path and he wanted the same.... i really know that no contact is all i can do but i feel like we didn't even discuss anything like we should have...i feel like we are taking space to eventually discuss this stuff but i don't even know that..it seemed vague and i want to know but i don't want to bother him Link to comment
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 i tried to ask if we were broken up or this was just a break and i don't feel like i got a real answer... Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 and even right now i didn't need it right away...i just wanted to feel like i was on the same path and he wanted the same.... i really know that no contact is all i can do but i feel like we didn't even discuss anything like we should have...i feel like we are taking space to eventually discuss this stuff but i don't even know that..it seemed vague and i want to know but i don't want to bother him On the path to what if not marriage? Link to comment
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 of living together and sharing a life together. i guess similar to marriage. I don't think my goal in a relationship has ever really been marriage. I guess I'm kind of alternative like that and so is he. But I want to know that that person would eventiually want to share a life with me....so I guess the same thing...If he asked for marriage I would have, but I guess what I wanted from him in essence was similar to marriage and scared him just the same... I just wish the break up wasn't so vague. I don't even know if it was a real break up or him just needing time and space.....i tried to clarify it and got that letter...I was almost hoping for a final nail in the coffin saying i should move on and we aren't right for each other...instead i get "of course i love you, and we need time to figure these things out".....this gives me hope..i can't help it Link to comment
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 should i ask him if we are broken up or we are taking a break and can talk in a couple weeks or a month? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 Since he broke up with you, you should not reach out. Didn't he say you should respect each other's space. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 should i ask him if we are broken up or we are taking a break and can talk in a couple weeks or a month? No................ Link to comment
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 thanks.... i need to leave him alone and hope he can figure things out on his own as well as me..... ugh I'm such a mess Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 We've all been there. Keeping busy and time will help you through this. Remember, we have to love ourselves first. Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 The early days after a break up are extremely hard ..mine was the worst thing I have ever been through ...but I consciously decided to remain single and learn from this, and now 2 years later I so much better, I gained clarity and while I see there were errors on both our parts, there is never an excuse for cheating and lying which is what she did at the end before she left. I will never put myself in that position again, making someone such an integral part of my life that if they choose to walk I will be destroyed..nope. Gotta be happy with yourself first and then choose someone very carefully. I would much rather be alone than with a user or with someone who's not fully committed. Relationships are a risk. You have to realize that going in, people change their minds and they do it everyday. Do not contact him. Read that guide, read the very first section about what to do immediately after the break up. It's very sound advice Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 OP, what you are feeling is very normal post breakup. I understand the need/desire for clarity and contact. Understand that we all tend to dissect every word that comes from our ex and seek hidden meaning in those words. While it is normal, it is not helpful. Sometime, we just need to look at the big picture. He doesn't want to be with you right now. Does it mean he doesn't want to be with you ever? We don't know that. Time will make it clear to you. But you need to treat this as a breakup and begin the process of moving on. Having questions/doubts/anxiety/fear is all normal. Plz understand that if you keep contacting him trying to get clarity, it will never happen. You will end up annoying him even more and pushing him away. I'm not trying to paint him as an evil person. May be he doesn't know what he wants (Do you really want to be with a guy like that?) May be he has come to a realization that you can't provide him with what he wants (That is incompatibility and you dont want to be with a guy who doesn't see any potential in you as a good partner) May be he is in a different phase of life, may be he is confused, or someone else has caught his eye and he wants to try that out. Whatever it is, you shouldn't be with this person right now. You both need time away from each other that will bring some perspective, clarity, and peace. If you two are meant to be together, he will approach you. If not, it wasn't meant to be and you need to keep moving on. If you read page no. 219 of my journal, you will see that I had similar feelings and thoughts after getting dumped. My only regret was to contact him and ask questions. I never got any clear answer or anything that made me feel better about the situation. It sucks and there is no dancing around it. Ask yourself what you want and if you can really have it with this person. Personally, I don't want to be 'sort-of broken up', or 'we were broken up and now we are still not together really'. Its confusing and hurtful. Use this time to know yourself, know what you want and hopefully you will find what you want in him (only if its mutual) or someone else. Personally, I have come to realize that it is much easier to be with a man who wants to be with you than us trying to be with a man that only we want to be with. Hope you can find peace and perspective. Link to comment
Sasha34 Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 should i ask him if we are broken up or we are taking a break and can talk in a couple weeks or a month? God, I feel your pain so much as i am going through something similar now. My bf and I are going through a rough time. He's told me he loves me, but needs time to think about how to handle our situation. I want to make goals for our relationship and plan for a future, but he seems unwilling to fully invest or make me a priority. I want him to give me a clear answer so I can move on...are we still together, on a break, or over? But he hasn't told me anything definite and it's killing me. I think it's holding on to the person and hoping that it will work out that is debilitating, if in fact there Is no possibility of a future. I love him with all my heart though and it hurts so bad. I get it. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 The force was wanting security like you said. Wanting a house and a garden and a dog with someone in the future. Thats important to me. Not marriage, and kids Im not sure of. I wish there was something I could say to him to make him not feel the pressure. For us to start from the beginning. I know he felt pressure for my happiness in many ways. The time he spent with me and I often was upset when he wanted to do something besides hang out with me on our free days, but that was toward the end when I sensed him pulling away. He told me when we separated that every time he felt close to me and things were good he had to pull away later because he felt overwhelmed and also worried about the future..... I really hope setting him free to do what he wants and think of what he wants would make him re think it. I can't imagine him being happy being alone, and yet he walked away on someone he loves.... Watch the feet not the lips. He walked. He didn't want the same things you do so of course it would come across to him as pressure- everyone feels pressured when they don't want to do whatever it is. I always felt overwhelmed and anxious about committing when I was with the wrong person for me whether or not I also felt love, and if he is not ready in general, with anyone, he would feel the same way. Who cares whether it is about you or general -the relevant action is he walked, and in my opinion the right response on your part is to move on. He didn't "have to" pull away-he chose to. I'm sorry it's so disappointing. I've been there. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 Thanks for all your responses. I just went on his Facebook page and noticed him and his old ex before me are friends again and he started liking all her photos. Now the break up feels like a whole different level of deception. His doubt about us wanting different things for the future is more his interest in his ex. This is a whole new level of pain when i didn't think i could get lower. I had this small lingering hope that he was just needing time and was really upset about leaving me and we would talk at some point. I unfriended him on Facebook and regret it but know its best for me. I have never been so in love and had my heart shattered so bad by someone. He was so intense and beautiful about life and me and the world and in the same moment he left me.....And now it feels so overwhelming Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 I'm sorry, but it's better that you know. This will help you move on, instead of hanging on, hoping he will return. Link to comment
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 to be fair she doesn't even live in this area anymore and he has every right to like photos of someone he was once dating..... I wish i didn't unfriend him..but too late Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 Good grief! You are all over the place. The relationship is over. The best thing that you did was unfriend him. Get out of the house and spend time with friends, and don't talk about this guy. Link to comment
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