Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 I posted a couple weeks ago in the relationship section about my boyfriend pulling away for the last few months after a one year relationship. It has been an up and down roller coaster of him feeling pressure from me to discuss the future or the possibility of moving together down the road. This is after he has had a series of stressful tragic events happen within the last year of his home being burnt down and being homeless staying with me and touring for months with a band. He finally found an affordable good place to live even though I wasn't happy about it and was less than supportive. He has said he loved me from the beginning and to this day and treats me with the utmost love and care and bought me tickets to Europe within the 8 month mark of our relationship. Up until the break up we were best friends and connected on so many levels. He would always go out of his way to try to make things so perfect for me. The memories I have of him are 90% love and affection and complete bonding. Most of our fights were over me bringing up the future and I admit I continued to push it even though I know he wasn't ready and it caused tension. He said he loved me from the beginning and a few times mentioned marriage and kids and living together in the beginning. All of which he says he really felt that way at the time but doesn't now. His independence and career are too important. I know there is a way for him to have his career and independence and include me but it feels like he doesn't see it or maybe most importantly he is unsure I am the one he wants to share his life with. So we broke up. I can't eat, can't sleep, have been crying for days. I know we were at a turning point and it had to happen but i think i hoped he would not walk away from me. The break up felt so uncertain. Him saying he loves me and saying he needs time. I wrote him a few days ago saying I was confused and whether it was a complete break up or he just needed time. This was his response: "I am so full of hurt as well and feel terrible. Of course I love you but am trying to respect your wishes by not texting and giving us space to feel and see what we want from our futures and a relationship. This is totally f^@&ing brutal and I am trying to keep it all together. Let's be gentle with each other as much as possible. Let's respect each other's views and space. It's too early to see what's in store for our future. The main thing is for both of us to be able to be happy in the future and live our lives exactly how we want to live them" I am trying to move on and i don't want to be with someone that can't see me in the future. Im hoping the time and space away will make him realize he wants me in his life. I am not even so concerned about kids or marriage, but more that he wants to share a life with me and some day live together. I know it is over but it feels so uncertain. I am working on healing and hope some day I can find the same love I had with him in a relationship, with security and a future.... Does anyone think there is hope he could realize he wants me in his life. He is also in pain. Even if he did Im unsure I would trust him again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 he is 37 and I am 36 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbbcoop77 Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 I wouldn't plan on any future with him. He's determined to find happiness alone first and really there's nothing wrong with that plan. But the focus now has to be on YOU. Breakups suck, they're called heartbreaking for a reason. But you have to go through the pain. Focus on yourself, eat healthy, maybe join a gym, some cardio really helped me after my breakup. It's normal to want them back but the problem is he was in a relationship with you and for whatever reason he chose to leave. Stop contacting him and heal. I'm at the point now where if my ex came back I would laugh and slam the door in her face..and I felt just like you do now. It DOES get better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 It is difficult to know what is in someone's gut, not just his head and heart, but that instinctive inner voice. My guess is, the focus on a future created the sensation of choosing that future now. He looked within himself and found he wasn't ready to make that choice. Out of respect to you and to himself, he ended it. Perhaps he would say to himself, "She wants x and is ready for x. I might want x. Or y. I'm not ready to be responsible for drawing someone else into my life, or for committing to her life." Suddenly feeling the relationship was more responsibility then he was prepared to handle responsibly, he felt the most responsible thing to do was to get out of it. Give him time. Do I think you'll get back together? Maybe, but doubtful. He can't get back together with you unless he is ready for a marriage-lite sort of commitment. That's a big disincentive, unless a year or two passes and he decides he's ready and he's ready for you. That does happen; it happened to friends of mine. They were five years apart before coming back together. Really apart. Traveled, changed locations, careers. You have to learn to let him go. What I tell myself - I wrote this in my wall even - is that I will receive my gifts when.I am.ready. Have faith in that, and it will help you. I am sorry. I can relate. Btw, the man I thought I wanted back I now think is completely unqualified to date me. Learning to let him go and to embrace myself allowed me to grow so much that I don't even want his friendship. Embrace your future. Make it how you want. Your life will come to you, and if he remains the right partner for you, he will be there eventually. Or, someone else will, and it will be okay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 Thank you for the responses. It doesn't sound too hopeful. Its so hard to separate that feeling of love I thought we both had for each other with him leaving me. I am am so angry and sad I let him into my heart and let my love grow and trusted him. He tried so hard to be with me in the beginning. Its like the reality of me was not right for him. I don't know. It is so painful and hearing he was in pain made it a little easier for that day, that maybe he would miss me enough to want to work it out. IthinkIcan I think you hit the nail on the head. He felt too much pressure for a ultimate future and being with me now felt like he was leading me on if he was uncertain of it. I really hope he will change his mind but I know that hope will fade and my life will be different. I loved my life with him so much it is devastating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 When you are ready, understand yourself as much as you can. What drove you to return to future talk repeatedly? In truth, you may have sensed that his feelings were changing, and driven yourself to meet that reality now. Whatever you find when you look within will be what helps you most. Give yourself time, because you will find new layers of understanding over time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 I really wish I didn't push it. I really hope with time he can see the relationship for the good it had and miss me in his life enough Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 If someone loves you and is afraid of committing.....Dont you think time apart and thinking it all over could be 50/50 if they decide they want you in their life? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 I really wish I didn't push it. I really hope with time he can see the relationship for the good it had and miss me in his life enough Yes, I understand. But you did push it. It was an honest concern of yours. Something drove you to look now for a sense of security by imagining a future. What was that force? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 The force was wanting security like you said. Wanting a house and a garden and a dog with someone in the future. Thats important to me. Not marriage, and kids Im not sure of. I wish there was something I could say to him to make him not feel the pressure. For us to start from the beginning. I know he felt pressure for my happiness in many ways. The time he spent with me and I often was upset when he wanted to do something besides hang out with me on our free days, but that was toward the end when I sensed him pulling away. He told me when we separated that every time he felt close to me and things were good he had to pull away later because he felt overwhelmed and also worried about the future..... I really hope setting him free to do what he wants and think of what he wants would make him re think it. I can't imagine him being happy being alone, and yet he walked away on someone he loves.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 Does he envision for himself the same sort of house yard dog future that you do?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 Don't sacrifice your wants and needs for another. Not only will he lose respect for you, but you will also lose respect for yourself. And, don't ever wait for anyone to decide if they want you. it is devaluing, and you deserve someone who values you and knows what he wants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 Hollyj Id love to feel that way but I love him and I want to be understanding of his confusion. I don't think I have a choice in my brain but to hope he will come back, but Im sure that will fade with time. It also seems like from what he wrote that he is really having a hard time and trying to focus on what he needs to do and I know I need to do the same. At the same time I think he needs the space to assess what he wants from a relationship, like he said. Cant I respect that without devaluing myself? Im not going to expect him to come back even if I wish it. IthinkIcan, right now he has to live at the cheapest place he could find in order to continue on a career he has put his whole heart into since he was a kid. He is a musician and he has actually been able to make a living of of giving lessons while being some really well known bands. I admire him of his passion and drive and wish my life could fit into that. somewhere in our relationship he started to doubt that. so heart breaking Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 Part of me would sacrifice having a house and dog to be with him... I don't know if that is low self esteem or the fact that he has a career he loves and gives me great love when there is no pressure and I don't have a career or something I am passionate about. I am still searching. He has made my life better in so many ways and at the age of 36 I have never met anyone I have bonded with so well. To me that is priceless. I don't think I can find that in someone else.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 what if I told him I don't need to live with you in the future and I just want to enjoy my time with him now and at the same time focus on myself....take it slow? would that push him away or give him something to think about and possibly try again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 what if I told him I don't need to live with you in the future and I just want to enjoy my time with him now and at the same time focus on myself....take it slow? would that push him away or give him something to think about and possibly try again? Live that reality first. Right now, it isn't true. You want the security of a home, a home life. He may he be living in the road much of the time and not able to contribute financially to a home for you. That is important for many men. From a practical perspective, he has a future that has a lot of unknowns, and he may not be able to contribute time or money to your life together. That's not much of a relationship and its a far cry from what you want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 what if I told him I don't need to live with you in the future and I just want to enjoy my time with him now and at the same time focus on myself....take it slow? would that push him away or give him something to think about and possibly try again? This is a sad statement! But that is not what YOU want. Never give up your dreams to be with someone. He certainly isn't. You're are sounding desperate. he could of easily have incorporated you into his life of music, there is no reason why he could not have. he is using this as an excuse to back away from the relationship. I am sorry, to say, but if he loved you, he would not have let you go. Period. He has thrown away your relationship. Don't give your value away and settle for any type of demotion. My God, the guy is 36. he is not in his early 20's. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 Hollyj you're right...I want to be mad at him for leaving me but I also want to be understanding of the last thing he wrote...i don't think love is so clearcut and easy as finding the person of your dreams and staying with them forever. You are right though. If there is any hope he would have to come around to want to talk and discuss what we both want. He didn't seem able to even do that. Selfish and so painful Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 I want to write him so bad and tell him how i feel...my best friend that was always there for me.. i want to communicate and work it out...he was always so loving and held me when i felt sad...he got me through a bad break up in the beginning of our relationship...he head me every night and let me cry to him for months until I started getting over it and falling for him...he remembers the date he first saw me...he loved me so much...it is so hard for that to me gone... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbbcoop77 Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 what if I told him I don't need to live with you in the future and I just want to enjoy my time with him now and at the same time focus on myself....take it slow? would that push him away or give him something to think about and possibly try again? Your best move is NO CONTACT at all. He has to want to come back and if you keep badgering him it'll push him away further. He was in a relationship with you and ended it. For whatever reason. Chances are very slim for someone to come back and after you take some time you'll realize you won't want to be with someone who bailed out. You'll always be wondering when he'll do it again. I know it sucks bad but you'll make it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 I know it is hard, and we tend to excuse away, so that we do not have to face the truth. You simply need to look at his actions to know that he is not onboard. You need to see he is doing nothing to hold on, yet your are doing backflips and turning yourself inside out to accommodate this guy. Find a guy that is on the same page as you. I also hope that you are NC? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 yes you are right..i hope i can stop loving him soon..i should unfriend him on Facebook....i keep looking at when he is online and going on his page...i don't want to let go of it yet...especially when he said he needs space and time and is in pain himself.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 If someone loves you and is afraid of committing.....Dont you think time apart and thinking it all over could be 50/50 if they decide they want you in their life? Love and commitment are two different things for a lot of people. Love is dates and romance and sex and fun stuff and living in the now or immediate future. Commitment is kids and bills and responsibilities and forever. It's not really an attractive prospect for most men if you think about it. Of course men do marry, but on their own time and when it feels right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbbcoop77 Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 Sorry to break it to you but he's not in any real pain and if he ended it he's probably feeling more relieved... Definitely stay off his social media or eventually you'll see something that will really hurt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 it is just hard for me to believe it is over because i know a lot of people who's relationships broke up and the man came back and they are still together..my mom and step dad...my step dad left her for a month and came back and they have been married since...a guy who tried to date me awhile ago left his girlfriend and was a mess and went out partying and tried to be happy and ended up going back to her and they are still married. i know so many instances of guys getting scared of commitment and then leaving and seeing what life is like without the person and coming back...one of my friends just the other day is in a relationship that happened...so it is very hard not to hope for this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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