Anon333 Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 I have been in a relationship with a man for a little over a year. He pursued me with great passion and helped me get over a previous break up. He talked of marriage and living together early on. I originally was not interested but slowly became attracted to him and realized how good we were together. How easily we laughed together, how our values were so similar, our interests as well. He was aways there for me from the beginning and my trust and security allowed my love for hi to grow immensely. We have had our ups and downs within this year together. In general he was always very loving and caring and I felt lucky to have him as a boyfriend. Within the beginning of this year and late last year he started to get depressed and pull away from me, which was unsettling to feel after building so much love and trust. a week would go by where he would say he needed space and would freak out if I tried to tell him how I was feeling. I tried to give him his space. It took a lot out of me and was super draining. He has done this a few times this year. The first time was because I was talking about moving in together, which he said he wanted in the beginning. After a week or two of him being distant and not wanting to see me, he told me he didn't think he could live with me and didn't want to talk about it more. He also said he didn't think he wanted children. So We both cried and I though I should walk away from him, but then he explained how he feels could change and he just feels overwhelmed. We have a few weeks of love and connection, and again he starts to pull away. Saying he needs space. This time after a week he eventually breaks down and communicates with me and says he is unsatisfied sexually and that there are a few things off about us. But all these times he pulls away he tells me he loves me and he is sorry fro being so complicated. Im trying to keep this short. But it feels like the distance between us bonding and having a loving good time is getting shorter and shorter between times where he suddenly needs space. I would like to clarify, that when he says he needs space he does not cut himself off completely. He often says he loves me and is dealing with his own stuff. He will still text me, just a lot less and with no plans to hang out. It has drained me tremendously but I love this man and have tried in my mind to break up with him and I can't. This past week we went to shows together and I felt so close to him and he said he loved me and the next night he went out without me and said he missed me, but then all of a sudden when i wrote back that night he hardly wrote back. He wrote, just got home. And that is it... The next day was no plans to hang out and that he was super busy. The same today.....When I tell him how it makes me feel he says I have to accept who he is and his space and he doesn't like texting. But a week before he is texting me all day how he loves me and making me smile.. It is just all inconsistent. Am I crazy or is he making me crazy? please someone respond...im sorry this is long.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 This guy is a crazy maker. I think he is scared of a real commitment with you, and you see it in all the instability. You do not have a future with this guy, and sjould not sacrifice your desire for children . This guy will continue to pull away and hurt you. Cut your losses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 Agreed. You can do better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted March 22, 2016 Author Share Posted March 22, 2016 Thanks guys. Made me cry to hear a second opinion like that. I am 36 and on the fence about kids. Im getting old for it. It is more that he isn't open to it or living with me. He is so sweet an loving very often. I want to be able to give him his space. It just feels inconsistant and on his terms. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 Hold out for a better partner. It makes such a difference when you have a real teammate. Believe me, there are better men out there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted March 22, 2016 Author Share Posted March 22, 2016 thanks everyone. But I can't help to feel like I am just needy. He says he is just very busy and has a lot going on and wishes i was understanding of that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
msbrunette Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 36 years old, don't wait for this guy anymore, he's not worth it. He might be depressed, his mood swings shows that something is def. not okay. That will be up to him to deal with. He's right you'll have to accept who he is and that he's not the one for you & so will he, he's gonna have to find another doormat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anon333 Posted March 22, 2016 Author Share Posted March 22, 2016 wow Im surprised not one person wrote to let him breath and give him some space. I feel like I panic fast when I feel like he is pulling away and then that pushes him further. I know this shouldn't be happening a year into a relationship. I know he has a lot of issues but i love him dearly and we both have issues. If I am in misery the way I seem to be lately I will have have to walk away. He says he is trying his best and he wishes I would be more understanding when he is busy. He always says he loves me and some days he comes to my work to surprise me or brings me lunch. When we are together and things are good, it is a better connection than I have ever had with anyone. I think because I have those great feelings with him, it is so hard to suddenly feel it gone. Even for a day or two. I don't know if I am just expecting too much. This person has a serious career and I don't. His whole life is wrapped up in the work he does and I think he sometimes can't balance me in the picture. Thats what he says. But it is also an emotional pulling away I know he does. He has done so many sweet things. I tried to paint the whole situation as real as possible and didn't realize it would be looked at so surely that I should walk away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 I think taking space is fine -but it's how you take it and how you treat your partner when you take it. I did the hot and cold thing to an extent to an ex - it wasn't my intention, meaning I did not intend to hurt him. Looking back it was totally my fault that I kept coming back to him - I should have been strong enough to stay away (and sure he should have been strong enough not to let me back in, but I take responsibility). I just had doubts about our rightness that would surface regularly and I felt so anxious about it because I did believe I loved him. I wasn't afraid of being alone but I was afraid of losing him entirely. Still doesn't justify the hot/cold back/forth. I was 38 when we finally ended things. If he is ambivalent about living with you and about children, you are 36 and think you want children, get out right now (or see if you can freeze your eggs). I was lucky to meet my future husband just before I turned 39, and felt like I won the lottery when we were able to conceive when we were in our early 40s. Leave now. If he really wants to be with you, long term, and have kids, tell him he can return to you with a ring and a date (within 6 months from then) and if you are still interested and available you will consider it. Then stop all contact and move on. And just for context -I am a person who needs space and I get cranky when I don't get it. I'm not always sweet about it but it is very clear to my husband that it's not about him or us (he doesn't need the reassurance particularly but that's because he is used to me needing space and already knows it's not about him) - it's also pretty predictable -after many hours with our full-on little boy, when I am hungry and want to eat in peace, just me and my computer, etc. On the other hand, because I am in a relationship I make sacrifices -I was very tired last night and wanted mostly to read my book but since we had talked about having couple time I did it and enjoyed it. It's a balance of self-care and relationship care. You might meet someone who needs more space than typical but I promise you that if you two are good together it won't feel too personal or trigger anxiety. And make sure you have your own fun and fulfilling life so that you might not even realize he is taking space. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 thanks everyone. But I can't help to feel like I am just needy. He says he is just very busy and has a lot going on and wishes i was understanding of that Most would expect more out of a relationship. This guy is not capable of giving you a complete relationship. HE HAS SHOWN YOU THIS OVER AND OVER, yet you continue to keep the blinders on- as long as you blame yourself, you do not have to face the truth that this will not work. I think that you have very low self esteem and do not believe you deserve a normal, healthy relationship. That's why you settle for his crap. I would have been out the door, long ago. Don't you think its time you value yourself! This is your future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
msbrunette Posted March 22, 2016 Share Posted March 22, 2016 wow Im surprised not one person wrote to let him breath and give him some space. I feel like I panic fast when I feel like he is pulling away and then that pushes him further. I know this shouldn't be happening a year into a relationship. I know he has a lot of issues but i love him dearly and we both have issues. If I am in misery the way I seem to be lately I will have have to walk away. He says he is trying his best and he wishes I would be more understanding when he is busy. He always says he loves me and some days he comes to my work to surprise me or brings me lunch. When we are together and things are good, it is a better connection than I have ever had with anyone. I think because I have those great feelings with him, it is so hard to suddenly feel it gone. Even for a day or two. I don't know if I am just expecting too much. This person has a serious career and I don't. His whole life is wrapped up in the work he does and I think he sometimes can't balance me in the picture. Thats what he says. But it is also an emotional pulling away I know he does. He has done so many sweet things. I tried to paint the whole situation as real as possible and didn't realize it would be looked at so surely that I should walk away. You asked, you got answers. Nobody here can tell you what to do, nobody will sugar coat it either. Words are words ..actions speak louder than words.. When someone is upset they reveal their true nature, can you put up with that longer? Willing to sacrifice your good years for this guy? You're not 20, at 20 .. dealing with the moody brooding guy can be cute hey its even expected .. at 36 it's less than smart...especially if you want children. Then go ahead, much luck to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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