The Waves

[gasper]

A few nights ago I had a dream. Actually three dreams. A dream series. In the first dream, I was an an indoor pool with slides. I allowed my pre-school aged child to go on the slide alone. It had a drop off into deep water. I calmly watched her fall in the water, her head under water, and then retrieved her. It wasn't scary for her or for me. I knew it would be shocking to those around us, but it was ok for us. A friend who recently passed away was also in the dream, only when I saw her, I didn't recall that she had passed.

 

Second dream, I was sitting on a beach when suddenly many speed boats started coming to shore. Federal agents in sunglasses walked off the boats. They looked glamorous. It brought out an intense feeling of joy in me. I sat on the beach and tried to understand why this felt so good. Then it struck me. I turned to my husband and said "I'm going to be a marine biologist." When I recall the most clearly is the intensity with which I looked at my husband, the conviction of my conclusion. I had to change careers.

 

In my third dream, I was walking with my older child through the streets of a small German town. Again, it was so beautiful and brought out feelings of immense joy in me. We held hands and searched for a particular restaurant. We passed many incredible restaurants and pubs, with no windows, just letting the breeze in. We finally came to the beach and a wave was coming it. It didn't stop. It crashed through a restaurant. I still felt happy.

 

I read that clear, beautiful waves in dreams mean that something wonderful is about to happen - a gift is coming my way. I believe that is true.

[gasper]

Recently I had a bit of a meltdown. Without going into too many details, I was under a lot of stress and had too much on my mind. Too much to remember, coordinate, lead, accomplish. My family calls me "supermom". I don't want to be super-anything. So I forgot something very important. Very, very important. Not only did it cost me quite a lot of money, but it also likely changed the course of my life forever. I lost an opportunity that I've been working toward for years.

 

I know you're probably thinking "if it was such a big opportunity, how could you lose it over forgetting something?" Ok, I probably still could have gone for it. But I took it as a sign. A sign that it was the wrong move, a sign that I was being selfish, a punishment perhaps... The scientistic part of my brain says signs are hogwash. Another part of my brain can't help but believe in them.

 

Today I left the office at lunch to go to the gym. I got to my car and realized I'd left my keys in my office. I no longer would have had time to go, so I returned to my office to work through lunch. There I realized I was leading a meeting at 1pm, which hadn't shown up in my iphone calendar. I would have missed the meeting if I hadn't forgot my keys. Maybe things happen for a reason. Maybe I just got lucky.

 

I also nearly missed my child's student conference at her school today, except that she reminded me.

 

Then I stood up a friend at the gym tonight.

 

I'm getting better though, believe it or not. As soon as I remember something, I quickly write it down or enter it in my calendar. I'm trying to build redundancies into my life process but so much is still slipping through the cracks.

 

I feel like I have dementia. A brain tumor perhaps. Hopefully it's just too much on my plate. Empty my plate a bit and.. problem solved.

 

Work, family, friends, volunteering, training for a race, taking classes, real estate issues, sponsoring refugees, serving on professional boards... Most nights after my kids go to bed, I clean the house and then work-from-home for a couple more hours. I can't remember the last time I watched t.v. Oh, except maybe that VICE news story about the new Cold War that I watched last night while cleaning the kitchen. Probably doesn't count.

 

Then there's all the stuff I "should" be doing but am not. Daily yoga and meditation, cooking new recipes, reading those books I buy and never get to reading, gardening... Well, I started my garden 2 days ago. We are sprouting seeds in our cupboard.

 

How can you say no to a vegetable garden? You just can't. I need more lives, so I can do it all.

[gasper]

I have a friend who is riding his bike across several faraway countries. I want to go to Ireland and go running in the countryside. I want a house with a sunroom.

 

Perhaps I'll turn my backyard into a giant greenhouse. It doesn't even have to hold a garden. Just sofas and bookcases. If it looked like the Belfast Botanic Gardens, that would be ok.

 

I look forward to being very old. Having the freedom to be forgetful with no judgement. I just hope I don't share all my secrets. I want the greenhouse like the old woman in the book 1Q84 who likes to have a shot of brandy and then take a nap in the afternoons. That's how she wants to die. Just have a shot and lie down for a nap; never wake up.

 

The video to the song "Sun Goes Down" by Robin Schulz, where the man in the glasses takes his chair up to the top of the house int he Middle East (?) and watches the sun go down. I want to watch the sunset like that.

 

My friend told me riding his bike across the globe feels like being in one of those dreams where you're running and taking giant steps.

[kamurj]

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