Accidentally closed our match....Ugh....

[milly007]

It's good that you felt positive about him...but you're missing the point. Meet quickly. It keep expectations realistic. And if someone takes a month and a half to meet you...it's probably not going to work...because then the distance is too much.

 

We should have met more quickly. I get that. I thought we were making progress when we exchanged numbers. He hadn't been in my neck of the woods in about ten years. So the fact that he was heading this way this upcoming week was something to look forward to (and I appreciated him coming out this way) and I thought we were moving at a good, positive pace. Did not anticipate things going this sideways. Live and learn.

[Batya33]

We should have met more quickly. I get that. I thought we were making progress when we exchanged numbers. He hadn't been in my neck of the woods in about ten years. So the fact that he was heading this way this upcoming week was something to look forward to (and I appreciated him coming out this way) and I thought we were moving at a good, positive pace. Did not anticipate things going this sideways. Live and learn.

 

I would avoid the long distance if possible through dating sites. I tried to meet within a week of the first email - exchanged one-two emails, then had a 15-20 minute phone call (so I could screen out), then we either set up a first meet, made a specific plan to talk again when we could set up a first meet, or ended the call because there wasn't interest in a first meet. Why invest more time in a stranger when you can spend that time emailing other potential matches? At my busiest I met 3-4 people a week. I met over 100 men in person and several of my friends met their spouses/SOs through OLD.

[milly007]

The operative word is "seems". This is a stranger for all purposes of dating. Until you actually meet in person (and then he is still a stranger with one exception) you have no idea if there is chemistry that warrants going on an actual date after a first meet. This is at least 2 steps removed from dating and IMO it's not worth more time than it takes to brush off a flea.

 

I made a mistake kind of like this when I was in my mid-20s (i.e. almost 25 years ago). I thought it would be funny, on a blind date, to tell the guy that I had received a copy of his resume prior to the date (nothing scandalous on it -it was just a crazy coincidence that one of my co-workers -not the person who set us up - had received his resume through a job search the previous year). Bad move. He did not think it was funny and the date ended politely, forever. I believe I did apologize/explain at the time but, no dice. Stuff happens especially with first impressions.

 

He is a stranger and all he knows is that you closed the match. He doesn't see how that could happen by mistake. If it were me I would still meet the person and believe that the person did it by accident. By contrast, I once refused to meet a guy who promised to call me on a Monday to make a plan and didn't call till Wednesday, without apology. That's my personal standard and I was comfortable with it. He could not believe I had an issue with his behavior. So be it.

 

Please do not get invested to this extent in strangers if you actually want a long term relationship . You're getting in your own way.

 

Good luck and I am sorry this one was a disappointment.

 

Thanks Batya. Appreciate the feedback.

[milly007]

I would avoid the long distance if possible through dating sites. I tried to meet within a week of the first email - exchanged one-two emails, then had a 15-20 minute phone call (so I could screen out), then we either set up a first meet, made a specific plan to talk again when we could set up a first meet, or ended the call because there wasn't interest in a first meet. Why invest more time in a stranger when you can spend that time emailing other potential matches? At my busiest I met 3-4 people a week. I met over 100 men in person and several of my friends met their spouses/SOs through OLD.

 

I think distance can work for some. I'm willing to compromise for the right person. Although meeting someone closer to home would be ideal, a little distance isn't going to discourage me if he's the type of guy I'm looking for.

[Batya33]

I think distance can work for some. I'm willing to compromise for the right person. A little distance isn't going to discourage me if he's the type of guy I'm looking for.

 

Yes but I wouldn't start with that with a complete stranger - if you can't see him easily at least once a week if you start dating then you're looking at a relationship that runs the significant risk of being mostly fantasy. My husband and I were long distance for years but we dated in the past ,seriously, knew each other well ,and our goal from the very first date was to see if we should get married.

 

It's circular to say "type of guy I'm looking for" -you won't know that if you can't get to know him on a regular basis in person. See how attached you got to a complete stranger based on "seems"?

[faraday]

I think distance can work for some. I'm willing to compromise for the right person. A little distance isn't going to discourage me if he's the type of guy I'm looking for.

 

Why didn't you head out to where he lives sooner to meet?

 

I want you to think about this. He wasn't willing to make a special trip out to see you. He was meeting you while he was out there doing something else.

 

That says A LOT about the viability of a relationship with this man. If he's not willing to make a trip to meet you, how are things going to work a year into it when it's not all new and shiny and exciting?

 

I think he looked at the distance as a burden. Which is fine. But that makes having a relationship at that distance nearly impossible. Which is fine if you want to do all the driving out there...but you weren't willing to head out there to meet him either...and you were super excited about him and thought he was really good prospects...so...*shrugs* how is it going to work long term if the first meet takes 2 months to set up?

[header]

He probably figured it was just as well that you closed the match because the distance was so great and the schedules so restrictive. One he "turned the page" in his head, he wasn't looking back even after you made him aware of your mistake. Maybe he didn't even believe you fully. Either way he wasn't nearly as invested in whatever it was that you had. The takeaway from this ordeal is that when online dating you need to meet sooner rather than later because much more often than not, the first date is also the last, so it's a huge waste of time, effort and emotions to go back and forth with someone for months before meeting them. When online dating I limit the radius to about a half hour. You might want to consider setting limits for yourself as well, and stick to them.

[faraday]

My bf drives long distances for part of his job- he ends up all over the continent in remote areas. So for him...an hour or two to see me was no big deal. I'm a single parent, so he was the one that came to see me most of the time. He didn't consider it effort, he didn't need to justify it by visiting other friends or running errands on my end of the city...it just was the way it was.

 

Meeting shouldn't be difficult.

 

I met men from online dating sites over the course of 6 years. I had multiple relationships with men I met from them, ranging from 2 months to 2.5 years. I met around 250 men. During busy times, I met 2-4 guys a week...although there was one Saturday where I had 8 first meets lined for one day. I had 3 dates lined up for the weekend I met my bf.

 

Meeting isn't hard. And you shouldn't become invested in someone until at least several dates in. They're strangers.

[milly007]

Why didn't you head out to where he lives sooner to meet?

 

I want you to think about this. He wasn't willing to make a special trip out to see you. He was meeting you while he was out there doing something else.

 

That says A LOT about the viability of a relationship with this man. If he's not willing to make a trip to meet you, how are things going to work a year into it when it's not all new and shiny and exciting?

 

I think he looked at the distance as a burden. Which is fine. But that makes having a relationship at that distance nearly impossible. Which is fine if you want to do all the driving out there...but you weren't willing to head out there to meet him either...and you were super excited about him and thought he was really good prospects...so...*shrugs* how is it going to work long term if the first meet takes 2 months to set up?

 

I get what you're saying. To be honest, and I could be wrong here, but I think he was using the excuse that he was coming out here to meet his friends and financial advisor so it wouldn't seem desperate if we were to meet while he was in town. I've met a few guys who thought they would seem clingy by just offering to come out and see me. I could be wrong, but that was my impression. He told me on Thursday that he hasn't been in my town in about ten years.

 

Before we even discussed meeting and who would go where, he told me he would be coming out this way soon. I told him to let me know if he wanted some face time.

 

He just returned from another country for work about 2 weeks ago and was playing catch up at work and took off on a ski trip the following weekend. We talked last weekend. He was supposed to call me again this week, but texted instead to say hi and see how my week was going. Things then fell apart.

[faraday]

Meeting a person from a dating site is considered desperate? 0.o

[milly007]

Meeting a person from a dating site is considered desperate? 0.o

 

No, I got the feeling that if he told me that he was just coming out to see me (about 1.5 or 2hours away) that he might think that I would consider him needy or desperate. Hence the, "I might be meeting up with friends and my financial advisor next week, but I haven't been back in that town in about ten years."

[faraday]

Or you're putting your feelings onto him? Unless he said that he was worried about coming across as desperate explicitly, I would take it at face value- that he didn't value meeting you enough to come out and meet you without already having a reason to be there.

[milly007]

Meeting a person from a dating site is considered desperate? 0.o

 

I'm amazed at how many guys are afraid to admit that they actually want to meet up right away; until I bring it up.

[milly007]

Or you're putting your feelings onto him? Unless he said that he was worried about coming across as desperate explicitly, I would take it at face value- that he didn't value meeting you enough to come out and meet you without already having a reason to be there.

 

Potentially, yes. And just based on what other guys have said. Who knows.

[faraday]

I would refrain from making up motivations for people. Anyone. Because...everyone has their own histories which dictate their thought processes and motivations. When we assume to know what drives someone else to behave in a certain way...well, you know the assume- makes an a$$ out of you and me adage.

 

In early dating especially, focus on the tangible- their actions. A man that is interested will want to meet you- he won't want to wait months to meet you. He'll want to meet you as soon as possible...to see if the chemistry is there...if the possibility of something more is merely a pipe dream or a possibility.

[Batya33]

I'm amazed at how many guys are afraid to admit that they actually want to meet up right away; until I bring it up.

 

What is the point of not meeting up right away -to continue to chat and flirt with a complete stranger? I didn't ask men out but I did suggest the first meet if he didn't for the purely logistical reason of not wanting to spend my precious free time chatting with strangers. I have no idea whether my asking to meet up affected things one way or the other (usually, the man suggested it).

[milly007]

I would refrain from making up motivations for people. Anyone. Because...everyone has their own histories which dictate their thought processes and motivations. When we assume to know what drives someone else to behave in a certain way...well, you know the assume- makes an a$$ out of you and me adage.

 

In early dating especially, focus on the tangible- their actions. A man that is interested will want to meet you- he won't want to wait months to meet you. He'll want to meet you as soon as possible...to see if the chemistry is there...if the possibility of something more is merely a pipe dream or a possibility.

 

Yeah I get that. And I know that anything is possible. I'm definitely not assuming anything. Regardless of his motivations, I was just looking forward to meeting him in person. That's all I cared about.

[milly007]

What is the point of not meeting up right away -to continue to chat and flirt with a complete stranger? I didn't ask men out but I did suggest the first meet if he didn't for the purely logistical reason of not wanting to spend my precious free time chatting with strangers. I have no idea whether my asking to meet up affected things one way or the other (usually, the man suggested it).

 

Who knows. We actually acknowledged the dangers of continuous texting back and forth without meeting, which is when he let me know he was coming into town.

[milly007]

Looking back, I think we complicated matters. We should have met in person asap and kept the lines of communication more open. I'll approach things differently from here on out.

[faraday]

Looking back, I think we complicated matters. We should have met in person asap and kept the lines of communication more open. I'll approach things differently from here on out.

 

Awesome. That makes me very happy! It's going to go better for you from this point on if you follow that as a guideline.

[milly007]

Awesome. That makes me very happy! It's going to go better for you from this point on if you follow that as a guideline.

 

I'm making those changes as we speak! Just returned a message and let them know that I would prefer meeting them and getting to know them in person.

 

Thanks for the assistance, faraday. You've been quite the help!

[Ms Darcy]

I'm always chatting with and meeting other guys. I don't put all my eggs in one basket.

 

That's always smart because very few will actually materialize into dating/relationships.

[Ms Darcy]

I still think this guy was a bit bitter for several reasons.

 

1. People accidentally close matches fairly often on eHarmony. They have an FAQ page where you can get help if that happens.

 

Stuff happens. Hinky stuff happens all the time when it comes to computers and the internet.

 

2. You guys had each other's phone numbers and you were texting.

 

Texting takes little effort and time. The NORMAL response would have just been to ask you if you were still interested because he noticed you closed the match. That's all. Jumping to conclusions was presumptive and it's not like you guys WEREN'T communicating off of the site anyway. Just jumping to too many conclusions.

[milly007]

I still think this guy was a bit bitter for several reasons.

 

1. People accidentally close matches fairly often on eHarmony. They have an FAQ page where you can get help if that happens.

 

Stuff happens. Hinky stuff happens all the time when it comes to computers and the internet.

 

2. You guys had each other's phone numbers and you were texting.

 

Texting takes little effort and time. The NORMAL response would have just been to ask you if you were still interested because he noticed you closed the match. That's all. Jumping to conclusions was presumptive and it's not like you guys WEREN'T communicating off of the site anyway. Just jumping to too many conclusions.

 

I realize that I'm the OP here, and therefore my two cents might not hold as much water as everyone else's opinion on this since I was directly involved in this situation, but I'll give it a go anyway. I've looked at his response as objectively as I could from my perspective. If I had to guess, I would say that his response was of someone who felt the sting (so there was a hint of passive aggression there). If he was completely confident and okay with what happened, I can't help but think he wouldn't have bothered texting me at all. He would have just moved on in silence. He responded because he wanted me to know he was okay with moving on (a little sting for me, I guess). I would bet on the fact that he was even wondering whether he should send that text in the first place and if it was the right thing to do. If the roles were reversed, I would have felt the sting as well. But, I either wouldn't have said anything to him, or, provided I was actually interested, I would have asked him if he was still interested in getting to know me.

 

In all fairness, although I'm disappointed, to a certain extent I can't blame him for his reaction. I messed up a potentially good thing inadvertently. His reaction doesn't come as a major surprise to me. No one wants to be rejected (even though I wasn't rejecting him - he may have took it this way).

 

Don't get me wrong - my two cents could be completely wrong. This guy is attractive and successful, with tons of other great qualities. There's no doubt in my mind that he was probably chatting with dozens of other women as well who are waiting to date him. Kinda makes it easy to move on when you have tons of other ladies to meet/date.

[milly007]

I should also note that this happened to me a few weeks ago. This guy messaged me online, and we began texting immediately. We were going to meet up right away, but I came down with the flu. I told him that we could meet up once I was feeling better. One week passed, I was still sick, and he closed our match. I wasn't overly keen on this guy, but I was still a bit confused by him closing our match. I didn't say a thing to him. He ended up messaging me a couple of days after he closed it to see if I was interested in meeting and we did meet up. Zero chemistry, unfortunately. But I wasn't overly excited going into our meeting.