Dashottcalla Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 No offense, but I think you're putting too much energy into this one guy whom you don't even know - one who's proven to be a delicate flower, or not interested. Let it go and move on to new guys. Agreed x100.. The energy you're using on this guy you haven't met would be much better spent on getting to know somebody else who is not overly sensitive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milly007 Posted February 15, 2016 Author Share Posted February 15, 2016 Agreed x100.. The energy you're using on this guy you haven't met would be much better spent on getting to know somebody else who is not overly sensitive. I'm not just getting to know this guy, but others as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dashottcalla Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 I'm not just getting to know this guy, but others as well. That's understood, but I would leave this guy in the past even if he did decide to message you back. You barely know him and he's already showing you red flags (overly sensitive and easily moved to anger) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather Dawn Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 I'm always chatting with and meeting other guys. I don't put all my eggs in one basket. No, but look at the energy you're expending on this guy - posting here, thinking about him, calling the company to re-open that match, waiting, waiting, waiting... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milly007 Posted February 15, 2016 Author Share Posted February 15, 2016 No, but look at the energy you're expending on this guy - posting here, thinking about him, calling the company to re-open that match, waiting, waiting, waiting... With all due respect guys, you're clearly entitled to your opinion, but I'm not expending a ton of energy on this guy at this point in time. I posted on here yesterday to vent my frustrations. I'm posting on here while working throughout the weekend at the office while it's closed (playing catch up). It took me two minutes to have our match re-opened yesterday. No one here is "waiting". I've vented here, received great advice, and I've moved on. We all need our own time to deal. I'm done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 I don't see where he's "easily moved to anger." He did what anyone with good self esteem would do if they thought someone was not interested in them. He thanked her and then he bowed out. There are too many others to choose from then to play "did she or did she not really make a mistake." (which is the nature of online dating to begin with) I agree that it's best to just move on as he's agreed to doing just that. Would all the women here give a guy and second thought if he said he accidently deleted them? I know I wouldn't... too many fish in the sea to take a chance on that red herring. Doesn't make me "quick to anger" or "too sensitive" either... Just someone with options who doesn't need to be worrying about someone I've yet to even meet. *shrugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milly007 Posted February 15, 2016 Author Share Posted February 15, 2016 I don't see where he's "easily moved to anger." He did what anyone with good self esteem would do if they thought someone was not interested in them. He thanked her and then he bowed out. There are too many others to choose from then to play "did she or did she not really make a mistake." (which is the nature of online dating to begin with) I agree that it's best to just move on as he's agreed to doing just that. Would all the women here give a guy and second thought if he said he accidently deleted them? I know I wouldn't... too many fish in the sea to take a chance on that red herring. Doesn't make me "quick to anger" or "too sensitive" either... Just someone with options who doesn't need to be worrying about someone I've yet to even meet. *shrugs* Fair point, ThatwasThen. I think this was my concern yesterday - that he would consider what I did a red herring, instead of an honest mistake. So I tried to fix it. What's done is done. This is why I find ENA so interesting - the different opinions. On one hand, some people think he was passively aggressive, while others think that he was doing what anyone else with good self esteem would do - he moved on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 Fair point, ThatwasThen. I think this was my concern yesterday - that he would consider what I did a red herring, instead of an honest mistake. So I tried to fix it. What's done is done. Yes, you did what most polite and reasonable people would do I suppose. Nothing wrong with that. I still think you've dodged a bullet though. Not because he was showing signs of being "quick to anger" because there is no proof of that, but rather because he's long distance and someone who "may be in your city" sometime is just not a good prospect to be getting yourself emotionally connected to. Long distance is hard enough when you've established the relationship and then long distance is introduced, it's basically almost impossible to nurture and maintain when you're starting out that way... and it's begun online. Good luck in your next adventure in dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 I agree with ThatWasThen -- I don't think he was being passive-aggressive at all. I think he genuinely thought that, in closing the match, you weren't interested, and he did what any person with self-respect would do: he moved on quickly, without any drama. Whether he thinks your closing of the match was a way to get his attention or he believes you truly did it by accident is anyone's guess, but you've done all you can. You'll just have to see what happens. Just keep moving forward, and if he comes back around, fine, if not...you're moving forward! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milly007 Posted February 15, 2016 Author Share Posted February 15, 2016 Just keep moving forward, and if he comes back around, fine, if not...you're moving forward! I can't deny that my heart is a weeee bit broken, but despite this I'm moving on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 I can't deny that my heart is a weeee bit broken, but despite this I'm moving on. Do you often get this attached to people you haven't met yet? I'm not meaning to sound mean here...but...you need to develop a thicker skin or online dating will crush you. A big part of the filtering system you need with dating comes from having a strong self esteem that isn't reliant on strangers...it's not healthy to become even remotely attached (ei heart broken) to someone you've never met. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milly007 Posted February 15, 2016 Author Share Posted February 15, 2016 Do you often get this attached to people you haven't met yet? I'm not meaning to sound mean here...but...you need to develop a thicker skin or online dating will crush you. A big part of the filtering system you need with dating comes from having a strong self esteem that isn't reliant on strangers...it's not healthy to become even remotely attached (ei heart broken) to someone you've never met. No, not normally. We've been communicating since the beginning of January, when I first signed up for the site (other than when he travelled to another country for two weeks for work). I realize that I shouldn't feel this way though, which was part of the frustration. It will pass. I've been communicating/meeting a fair amount of guys. Out of all of them, I was most interested and looking forward to meeting him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 No, not normally. We've been communicating since the beginning of January, when I first signed up for the site (other than when he travelled to another country for two weeks for work). I realize that I shouldn't feel this way though, which was part of the frustration. It will pass. I've been communicating/meeting a fair amount of guys. Out of all of them, I was most interested and looking forward to meeting him. Why haven't you guys met yet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milly007 Posted February 15, 2016 Author Share Posted February 15, 2016 To sum things up: He messaged me as soon as we were matched. We exchanged messages online practically daily; until he left for work for two weeks (the communication came to a halt). When he returned, he messaged me again, asking if I was still interested in getting to know each other or if I had moved on. I gave him my telephone number, we texted back and forth and he called me a couple of days after receiving my number. We live about 1.5 hours away from each other. He lived in my city a few years ago, and has friends and work connections here. He told me he was coming into town next week, potentially. He works crazy hours, and I work crazy hours. Before the little mishap, on Saturday I asked him how his work trip went this past week. He told me it went well, and that he might be in my neck of the woods next week to meet with friends and his financial advsior. He asked me how my work week went, and I told him that it's one of the more busy weeks I've had. He asked if I had vacation plans any time soon, and I advised him that I expect to potentially take some vacation time within the next few months. Apparently when I said that, and alluded to my busy schedule, he took that as a hint that I wasn't interested in him (and possibly meeting him next week, I guess? I don't know...). Pair that with the closing of the match, and he moved on. My gut tells me that there was genuine interest there for both of us. But what I did was a definite turn-off and therefore made it easy for him to move on. I don't meet many men I'm interested in at all, and he seemingly had a lot of great qualities. We really hit it off when we spoke on the phone and exchanged messages. Tons of laughter and witty banter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 My gut tells me that there was genuine interest there for both of us. Having interest in someone you don't even know, who you've never even met face to face with or know their last name? I think there was "curiosity" which is different then "interest." Perhaps I'm dealing in semantics but when you're online dating, you have to be cognizant of the little details, me thinks, else you open yourself up too much, too soon. He "seemingly" had a lot of great qualities. "seemingly" being the key word. See what I'm getting at there? Anyway: Being an hour and a half away with a man that travels for work doesn't sound like someone I would want to give my heart to. But: That's just me. If I was to online date, I would keep my contacts to only those that were a half hour or less drive away... unless I was just interested in casual, sometimes dating when he happened to be in my neck of the woods. I have no proof but the vibe I'm getting is that he was thinking along the lines of the latter in bold. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 In the future, it would be best to talk as little as possible before meeting, and meet as soon as possible. An hour and a half isn't long distance- if it is to you, I'm not sure how you'll date and form a real in life relationship if you only plan on seeing each other once every few months. Do you know what I mean? The reason he's the one you're most interested in...is because right now he's a fantasy. He's the best version of himself because you only talk to him, not meet with him...so you don't know if he farts constantly after eating, blatantly checks out women while out on a date with you, or refuses to wear any shoes that aren't flip flops (and he wears socks with them!). Right now he's awesome because you don't know him at all...so you've filled in the unknown with nice things that probably aren't accurate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 An hour and a half is long distance IMO. I want to be able to get together without having to be driven to in order to be with me or to drive to someone that it takes that long to get to. Pain in the buster as far as I'm concerned and certainly not something I'd want to do at midnight or later or have someone have to do when leaving my company... Which is what I would definitely have to do until we were dating for quite sometime, had become exclusive and I was comfortable having him sleep over or me over with him. Just my sensibilities though, everyone is different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milly007 Posted February 15, 2016 Author Share Posted February 15, 2016 Having interest in someone you don't even know, who you've never even met face to face with or know their last name? I think there was "curiosity" which is different then "interest." Perhaps I'm dealing in semantics but when you're online dating, you have to be cognizant of the little details, me thinks, else you open yourself up too much, too soon. He "seemingly" had a lot of great qualities. "seemingly" being the key word. See what I'm getting at there? Anyway: Being an hour and a half away with a man that travels for work doesn't sound like someone I would want to give my heart to. But: That's just me. If I was to online date, I would keep my contacts to only those that were a half hour or less drive away... unless I was just interested in casual, sometimes dating when he happened to be in my neck of the woods. I have no proof but the vibe I'm getting is that he was thinking along the lines of the latter in bold. Yeah, I was checking myself with this guy and keeping in mind that he might or might not be what I'm looking for. That's why I used the word seemingly. It's not to say that there weren't a few things that I questioned along the way, because there were. But, there were more positives than anything else, so I kept an open mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milly007 Posted February 15, 2016 Author Share Posted February 15, 2016 In the future, it would be best to talk as little as possible before meeting, and meet as soon as possible. An hour and a half isn't long distance- if it is to you, I'm not sure how you'll date and form a real in life relationship if you only plan on seeing each other once every few months. Do you know what I mean? The reason he's the one you're most interested in...is because right now he's a fantasy. He's the best version of himself because you only talk to him, not meet with him...so you don't know if he farts constantly after eating, blatantly checks out women while out on a date with you, or refuses to wear any shoes that aren't flip flops (and he wears socks with them!). Right now he's awesome because you don't know him at all...so you've filled in the unknown with nice things that probably aren't accurate. Oh I know, and I acknowledge this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milly007 Posted February 15, 2016 Author Share Posted February 15, 2016 An hour and a half is long distance IMO. I want to be able to get together without having to be driven to in order to be with me or to drive to someone that it takes that long to get to. Pain in the buster as far as I'm concerned and certainly not something I'd want to do at midnight or later or have someone have to do when leaving my company... Which is what I would definitely have to do until we were dating for quite sometime, had become exclusive and I was comfortable having him sleep over or me over with him. Just my sensibilities though, everyone is different. Yes, we all have different preferences. There's definitely no right or wrong here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 An hour and a half is long distance IMO. I want to be able to get together without having to be driven to in order to be with me or to drive to someone that it takes that long to get to. Pain in the buster as far as I'm concerned and certainly not something I'd want to do at midnight or later or have someone have to do when leaving my company... Which is what I would definitely have to do until we were dating for quite sometime, had become exclusive and I was comfortable having him sleep over or me over with him. Just my sensibilities though, everyone is different. It takes 2 hours to get across my city during rush hour. 45 minutes at 2 am. So...I guess it depends on where you live? If both of you drive? What kind of relationships want? My bf lived on the other side of the city....and we met within two weeks of getting matched. We still managed to meet twice a week when he was in town (for the first 6 months- after that, it went up to 3 times a week). He travels a lot for work...and he was super busy for the first year that we dated...but we liked each other. We made it work. We made time for each other. We were flexible with our other obligations, we were honest with each other...and now 2 years after our first date, we live together and are getting married. But both people have to be interested. Both people need to put in effort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 It takes 2 hours to get across my city during rush hour. 45 minutes at 2 am. So...I guess it depends on where you live? If both of you drive? What kind of relationships want? My bf lived on the other side of the city....and we met within two weeks of getting matched. We still managed to meet twice a week when he was in town (for the first 6 months- after that, it went up to 3 times a week). He travels a lot for work...and he was super busy for the first year that we dated...but we liked each other. We made it work. We made time for each other. We were flexible with our other obligations, we were honest with each other...and now 2 years after our first date, we live together and are getting married. But both people have to be interested. Both people need to put in effort.Good for you. Like I said, I'd not date someone that it took us an hour and a half to get to one another on any given day. I've been married to my husband for over 30 years so I won't be online dating anyway, but if I ever have to (shudders) I will have that boundary in place for myself and I'll not have t worry about missing out on someone that far away because they won't be able to get through to me to begin with. BTW: Congrats on you upcoming marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milly007 Posted February 15, 2016 Author Share Posted February 15, 2016 It takes 2 hours to get across my city during rush hour. 45 minutes at 2 am. So...I guess it depends on where you live? If both of you drive? What kind of relationships want? My bf lived on the other side of the city....and we met within two weeks of getting matched. We still managed to meet twice a week when he was in town (for the first 6 months- after that, it went up to 3 times a week). He travels a lot for work...and he was super busy for the first year that we dated...but we liked each other. We made it work. We made time for each other. We were flexible with our other obligations, we were honest with each other...and now 2 years after our first date, we live together and are getting married. But both people have to be interested. Both people need to put in effort. I love hearing about positive stories like this. Congrats, faraday! Who knows what happened here. I do remember thinking to myself that he seemed to need a lot of encouragement, but it didn't bother me. I guess we all need a little positive reinforcement every now and then. I was looking forward to seeing if this apparent chemistry translated in person. We seemed to have a good connection, and I've found that this initial chemistry is usually a good indicator of how things will go in person; at least based on my personal experience. And we were just reaching that point of meeting in person. My little trigger finger (while closing matches online) put a stop to that, I think. Nuts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faraday Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 I love hearing about positive stories like this. Congrats, faraday! Who knows what happened here. I do remember thinking to myself that he seemed to need a lot of encouragement, but it didn't bother me. I guess we all need a little positive reinforcement every now and then. I was looking forward to seeing if this apparent chemistry translated in person. We seemed to have a good connection, and I've found that this initial chemistry is usually a good indicator of how things will go in person; at least based on my personal experience. And we were just reaching that point of meeting in person. My little trigger finger (while closing matches online) put a stop to that, I think. Nuts. It's good that you felt positive about him...but you're missing the point. Meet quickly. It keep expectations realistic. And if someone takes a month and a half to meet you...it's probably not going to work...because then the distance is too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted February 15, 2016 Share Posted February 15, 2016 I love hearing about positive stories like this. Congrats, faraday! Who knows what happened here. I do remember thinking to myself that he seemed to need a lot of encouragement, but it didn't bother me. I guess we all need a little positive reinforcement every now and then. I was looking forward to seeing if this apparent chemistry translated in person. We seemed to have a good connection, and I've found that this initial chemistry is usually a good indicator of how things will go in person; at least based on my personal experience. And we were just reaching that point of meeting in person. My little trigger finger (while closing matches online) put a stop to that, I think. Nuts. The operative word is "seems". This is a stranger for all purposes of dating. Until you actually meet in person (and then he is still a stranger with one exception) you have no idea if there is chemistry that warrants going on an actual date after a first meet. This is at least 2 steps removed from dating and IMO it's not worth more time than it takes to brush off a flea. I made a mistake kind of like this when I was in my mid-20s (i.e. almost 25 years ago). I thought it would be funny, on a blind date, to tell the guy that I had received a copy of his resume prior to the date (nothing scandalous on it -it was just a crazy coincidence that one of my co-workers -not the person who set us up - had received his resume through a job search the previous year). Bad move. He did not think it was funny and the date ended politely, forever. I believe I did apologize/explain at the time but, no dice. Stuff happens especially with first impressions. He is a stranger and all he knows is that you closed the match. He doesn't see how that could happen by mistake. If it were me I would still meet the person and believe that the person did it by accident. By contrast, I once refused to meet a guy who promised to call me on a Monday to make a plan and didn't call till Wednesday, without apology. That's my personal standard and I was comfortable with it. He could not believe I had an issue with his behavior. So be it. Please do not get invested to this extent in strangers if you actually want a long term relationship . You're getting in your own way. Good luck and I am sorry this one was a disappointment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.