Letting it out just because

[Venny2900]

I have been reading a lot of journals on here and I realised with everything happening around me it might do me a little good to let go of some things. I always have been the : go to girl, for the people around me. I always try my best to stay open minded about everything and on top of it I became a nurse so everyone around me started asking me questions instead of just simply going to the doctor. ( I don't blame them, I hate it too.) I always thought there was never too big of a problem for me because, well, I'm Vanna, I pull threw it all and I'll work on pulling you out too. But lately, everything has happened at the same time and I'm having a lot of trouble coping. So I thought I could start a journal, not really important but something to just let out a few things.

 

First things first : I was raised in a Greek father and French Canadian mother's home. After losing six children, they had me. I'm not going to lie: I was raised really spoiled, when I wanted something, I usually got it. I think its the worse way to raise a child honestly. My mother however, has had a drinking problem for as long as I can remember, I even have memories of telling my kindergarten teacher that my mom always smelled like wine. But from what she told me when she was in a non sober state : she comes from a long line of alcoholic family. My dad is the type of man to work almost everyday and night and just sweep family problems under the rug. I do however get along better with him, unlike my mom who passes judgement easily my dad says : I just hate everyone equally. It honestly makes it less hard for me to communicate with him. My parents like most people when they get married; were very much in love with each other. But not now, now their more like, co-workers than anything. They sleep in separate bedrooms but they joins forces to pay the bills and constantly talk behind each others backs to me. I honestly gave up on them. I had spent a great deal of my life trying to become who I am and at the same time constantly defending my choices to my parents. Every time I would say : I am an atheist. They would reply: No you are not And they would end the conversation there without bothering to talk me in or out of anything. So I found out, I could not move walls. So I walked around them. As much as I love them, their opinion doesn't really count any more and they hardly have any affect on my life. So when papa found out I was moving out without being married and he faked stomach pains for a while; I learned to walk away. I can be there when they need me. But I don't think its a good idea to ask for their help. We differ too much on opinions and they are not flexible like me

 

I have my family that I was born with, which honestly, I'm not really close to. Then i have my family that I found, a small group of five friends who I have been with for about 14 years now. We have been inseparable and helped each other out through everything... especially when none of us are actually close to our own blood families... One has controlling greek parents, the other is a orphan, then there's one with mother issues, one whose parents just don't care and then there's the one whose mother has a gambling problem. I know we sound like a sad bunch but believe me when I tell you, we spend every birthday, every Christmas, every new years and almost every weekend with each other. If there is anything in this world that makes me feel like I'm home its them. Of course I tell them everything. But lately I have been spending a lot of my energy of helping them and although they often ask if everything is seriously okay? I just say yes. Because that's who I am; I can't concentrate on myself when people around me are not well. Worse part is they know that and my closest friend, or I call her my sister; often sends me little encouraging notes, hidden messages to keep my head up. And then text me to tell her if I feel like it. And that's pretty much how close we all are.

Lately however things have been going down with each and every one of them lately : The couple, in our group; She has been wondering why he hasn't proposed after 9 years... and he says he doesn't want to propose until he has a career, problem is he doesn't know what he wants to do.

The other one has been down in money debt lately and can't seem to find a job that gives him full time works instead of his career that has him starting at the bottom with half time work. Its just not enough to pay his debts

Then you have the one I call my brother : his mother has been very sick lately and he spends his time in and out of hospitals because no one can find exactly what she has. And his father finds this a golden opportunity to cheat on his mom.

Then the one I call my sister, my closest friend: her dad nags her constantly and puts her down, comparing her to her lazy brother and says things like : I have a boy to carry on my name and a daughter to take care of me when I'm old. She is also prone to depression and has been depressed lately.

 

As for me well : My uncle on my moms side is losing his battle with testicular cancer because it turns out its spreading. Her sister is slowly dying because she had heart surgery and it weakened her to the point where only a small percent of her lungs and liver are working. Her other sister started peeing blood. My cousin, still on my moms side, lost his daughter to cancer, she was four. I didn't know my cousin that much but of course I'm sad for them. My mom learned she was diabetic and she's pissed off because it means she has to cut her whine consumption. So she just drinks more and vent out all this one me. As for my father things are less worse : his father is almost immobile because of his hips problems and he just found out he had a brother but his mom dumped the baby somewhere. So basically he has a brother out there in Greece... either dead or who knows. Apparently it was 62 years ago and I have been helping my dad coping with that.

 

So here I am running around like a chicken with no head. As for me, I decided to go back to school to find a career that isn't related to being a nurse. I have been a nurse for two yeas now and honestly... It's a very hard job that... I feel like I'm not doing much difference. I can elaborate on that and how people are treated like numbers... But not today... I'm not into that right now. So I am going back to school when James finishes his internship.

 

And then we have my James. Which is the only person who I mention the name of because he would never figure out I write in a journal. When he sees me typing furiously at my laptop he probably thinks I'm working on my short stories, which I love to write.

I met this British man, four years ago when he came here to study and it turns out we had a few friends in common ( not from my closer circle just friends I see so- so) And we hit if off right away. At first he was only here for the college program which made me take our relationship not seriously at all until we realised it was pretty serious and he ended up applying to the university here and lives here now. We have our own apartment which has been home for the last two years and we were perfect. And when I mean perfect, I mean partners in crime. We prank each other all the time and when we argues we never took anything seriously. We always, no matter what we did had fun. Like when I got mad at him once for buying the stupidest toaster in the world, yes it was a stupid reason to get mad, I don't appreciate change. But when I told him I was going to throw it at his head, that same night, he hid the toaster in my car so I could find it in the morning with a note saying : if you find this, please don't throw it at my head...... Or one time when we went camping and of course he just threw in the tent in the car without checking it, and it was totally torn. I asked him what we would do if it rained, so he went to the lake to fill a bucket of water to dump on my head : here, your already wet. Of course I get really pissed... But He makes me laugh so much I can't resist just getting over it. Or if I really want revenge : I put sand in his sandwich and place firecrackers behind him in a pot when he's listening to loud music.

Everything was always great. He pulls me together when I'm sad. I remind him he has school the next morning and to pay his bills. He helps me survive my family and I help him have more patience with his perfectly snobby sister.

And then of course, if anyone ever read my other post: declared the whole bisexual thing.

 

I just keep thinking... What if one day he just wants to have a go at male sex. Oh no, not fall in love or cheat or whatever... just a need he wants. And me completely incapable of satisfying that. He keeps telling me its not about needs, its about indifference... and everyone has their own opinion. I know he was planning to propose and I know already I saw it as a big challenge... now it just seems like a challenge I can't figure out how to approach. Trusting someone now, is trusting someone now.... But eventually everyone changes... already I thought that was hard... It seems like adding bisexuality makes it harder... I'm a traditional woman in bed... what do I know about other things? Then again he never asked me anything... I don't know... People think it's suspicious that he didn't tell me about it since the beginning but knowing James, its just like him to completely dismiss important information thinking its not important. Then there's the guilt of : what if its just me who had trust issues to begin with and I'm the who breaks his heart and makes him worry I'll leave him because I'm afraid he'll want to experiment later on... making me sound like a prejudice person.

 

Well I'm getting tired : on top of everything I was feeling sick and I went to the clinic today : bronchitis.

Yay.

 

We have an apointment with the counsellor this Wensday, I'm happy he agreed to go... even if I had to threaten I would leave...

[Venny2900]

Today was a good day.

 

Today was a good strange day in a lovely apartment filled with one depressed man and a woman who is coughing out her lungs. Lovely.

 

I didn't go to work today and thankfully not for the next three days, I'm not allowed anywhere near the clinic with this bronchitis. My mister James usually attends class on Mondays and then goes to work at night but since today was supposed to be our engagement day, AKA today is our anniversary. He told his professor he wasn't going to school and had asked a day off of work. I can't tell you how awkward it is in the apartment right now. Sometimes I just wanna say; it never happened! And just jump into his arms and everything will be like before. Yeah I can keep dreaming. My best friend called me asking if I wanted her to come over to make things less awkward as in we can play games or something. I told her thanks but no thanks... She's always been part of those people who think : Oh my god I'm in the end of my 20's and I'm not married..... Lady people get married at any age. But I don't say anything I just tell her to hang on... while she flirts with a suspicious guy in Greece... but thats another story. A friend of James passed by today, well a friend of ours, he's in the same classes as him and brought him a few papers in case he will need them. He was supposed to leave them in the mailbox and was a little surprised when James told him we were home and to come up. He came up and I offered him to stay for dinner, because I'm polite like that and when he told us he didn't want to intervene on our anniversary even if I was coughing up my lungs, James told him we won't be really getting "chummy" with each other until Wednesday because that's when we see our councillor. And when he asked us why on earth such a "perfect" couple would see a councillor. James seriously and plainly said : We're having trouble with the fact that I'm bisexual.

You should have seen his face. The poor guy felt so awkward. So I decided to explain everything and then he turned to James and said : I had no idea you swung both ways.

And the whole day I wanted to beat James face with a shovel but at that moment he said something I thought was really sweet, he said: I used to now I only swing one way" And he pointed at me. I so did not want to smile. But I couldn't help it. And by Zeus almighty he had the most smug look on his face when he noticed. Anyhoo... So his friend left saying he wasn't worried for us. And then James told me he wasn't worried for us either when we were alone.

And THAT frustrates me. Because right after he asked : Do we still need to go on Wednesday.

 

OF COURSE we do! It's not because he's going to say something cute or funny that my mind is going to change. If he honestly thinks this is something we can brush off like the rest, that's not the case. So I got pissed off and flipped him off. And since then he's been making smug remarks or complimenting me or even cracking jokes. Its like he's trying to make me totally forget this. When I see the councillor... I have to tell her this, honestly, as much as we don't take anything seriously there is time we really need to if we're going to work out as a couple, Bisexual or not.

And I certainly don't want to be the responsible one dating a man child who dismisses everything he thinks is not important when it actually is. How many times do I have to tell him to pay his dam bills. If it weren't for me he would be in severe debt.

 

At the same time this man child has been putting cold compresses on my forehead and feeding me advils the whole day. And he makes the most comfortable cushion in the world that doesn't mind when I drool on him.

 

There's two sides to this one. That's why a lot of times I think it's honestly really me the problem; either I have trust issues or always feels like everything needs to be under control ( highly unlikely on that one) I don't know.

 

But then I think : he took three years to tell me, why?

 

Goodnight.

[Venny2900]

If I survived today, I want to give myself a tap on the shoulder. I went into a war zone, right in the trenches, unarmed, with a headache. Bullets were fired, bombs explosion.

Yes you guessed it : My parents house.

 

The first half hour was given to : Why are you sick again? Why don't you take better care of yourself. ( I don't remember the last time I was sick)

Then came the : Why isn't James with you??? Why did you leave him alone at home ( because were supposed to follow each other every where)

Then there was also the trashing part, because you don't go to my parents house without hearing some racist,sexist,religious, homophobic, bi-phobic, other cultures phobic comments. Literally anything to bring people down.

Everyone are liars

Everyone are cheaters

Everyone else but us ( my parents) are crazy

Everyone is wrong and were all delirious.

 

Today's story was agaisnt bipolar people. Don't ask. All I remember is thinking how much more pleasant it would be to slit my throat in the kitchen and slowly bleed to death, their voices would like fade out slowly and peacefully. Because I'm pretty sure they would finish insulting people before they would consider pleasantly walking over to the phone and calling 911, because I dirtied their floor.

Oh I'm making a big deal out of it. They would maybe shed ONE tear each. \

On a much more pleasant not I went for coffee with two of my work colleagues, one who is about 29 and the other 58. And I felt like I wanted to talk about James to them. Nad, the 29 years old gave me big eyes and said : well that a surprise. And I talked about it a little more and told them everything so far. Nad thinks its a good idea to ask around on a forum and that having many peoples ideas is a good idea. Johanne, straight out said : you need to change the people in your life.

Seriously. I'm starting with her.

 

This is going to sound terrible... and I'm so not proud to say it but it seems like, women, a certain age and who ( I've strangely noticed) wear really nice rings on their fingers... or a lot of gold rings on their fingers... tend to be ... extremely negative and judgemental? I'm thinking all those people who hit a certain number and from there on up, its just... bitter... like their all bitter... or I don't know, I'm probably wrong on this. I'm pretty sure there are plenty of nice women around that age who still believe that life can be nice.

 

On top of all this I've been helping my friend... 9 years of dating and he hasn't proposed and she's losing her mind. In this case I can only listen... honestly I know the both of them and I have no idea how to fix that... it's both their fault and they keep butting heads. I always liked giving ideas on how to solve problems and I've been told : sometimes we just want you to listen.

Which doesn't make sense to me... so I stopped saying things... until they asked me to actually start again. People.

 

James, when I came home today gave me the most puppy eyed look ever. So I smiled and ignored him and he started following me around saying he couldn't stand living like this that he wanted to talk about it. That he needed my help in understanding just what is happening between us. I told him my real issue right now, that I have realised with the help of this actual site : I'm afraid one day you would want to experiment... and honestly if you would have told me in the beginning it wouldn't have shaken my trust which makes my initial fear even bigger. Because I would consider it cheating. And that has to be the worse predator of trust.

So after arguing with him a lot, since he was just saying how he never really broke my trust and I argued with how big this actually was a yadda yadda

He told me he didn't think much of the relationship at first because he wasn't planning on staying in Canada and wanted to go back to England. And then he felt insecure on telling me but then we got serious and it was all a good time so he just avoided it and when he figured out I was so open minded he thought that it just didn't matter in the end. And when came the time to pop the question, he thought that this was the time and literally didn't expect it to be that big of a deal.

But when he says : that big of a deal, he's talking about the bisexuality... and in all honesty, if I trust my partner in promising he won't go curious, it's not important to me,

He's missing the whole point of the trust being shaken because it took him three years to hide it and now that shaken trust affects the fear that he's going to say I'm hanging out with Harry, and it turns out to be a not so very angelic hanging out.

Bisexual or not, this makes me lose the feeling I can trust him and cheating and lying comes along.

When I told him this, he went real quiet. And I just waited, eating my third orange and just lying down on top of the kitchen table like a turkey dinner.

And then like he suddenly realised and went: I messed up pretty bad didn't I?

You ever felt like you wanted to hit someone in the head with a frying pan.

So I went over and gave him the warmest hug I could and told him if he wanted to fix this he's going to have to work really hard because not only am I upset but it had an affect on how I feel about him. When he asked me what I meant, I told him that I didn't think cuddling with him was comfortable any more. He didn't get it but I told him we really need to talk to the councillor to... not go back to where we were... that impossible... but to something where we can rebuild on. He asked me If I still loved him and I told him I was still here so that meant something. But we need to fix this because I'm not finding a lot of patience or affection for him right now and it can go really sour.

 

Saying it went well... Is not really true... But we did make a small amount of progress. I suppose? I want to invite him back in our bed since he's been sleeping on the couch these past days.

 

I don't know... tomorrow is our appointment...

[Venny2900]

I just realised how freaking long my posts are on here... Oh my god. Shame.

 

I've had a crazy few last day so I'm going to only concentrate on yesterday, Wednesday. Finally the day me and James go to our councillor.

Let's start by the start, I was called by my second job... which I rarely work at to come in emergency... Now like I said before I have bronchitis and a paper saying I have off... But I realised that I had only given the paper to the other place and not this one... And so I went to work. James gave me hell for it, told me I should listen to the doctor and bla bla. I woke up at 8 in the morning and they called me at 8:27, by 9:30 I was out the door.

Long story short, patients would of suffered and I don't like that. SO I went anyhoo and in a hurry. At lunch my best friend had to go to the hospital to see her mom who was getting her first physical evaluation after physical therapy, so that was important. Rushed back to work, worked until 8 because the other nurse was late. My mom called and told me she wanted to go see her sister at the hospital, so instead of heading straight home I drove her there. Once there, my aunt asked me to look at her medical chart and read it for her. So I did... soon I realised I was going to be late for our couples councillor session so I started rushing to it and of course, because of our icy Canadian roads, there was an accident on the 20 east and I ended up being stuck in traffic. I was about 20 minutes late and arrived in my nurse uniform.

James who was supposed to meet me there, was sitting and already talking with the councillor.

Now how bad do I look? Anyhoo, I apologized and explained my day. She asked me if this happened often, not the being late part but the running around like a crazy. I told her it happened often but nothing I couldn't handle.

And then James. My James. Just open his godam trap and asked : Did you eat today?

Of course, I had just realise it myself : no I didn't. I didn't eat at all... I had a cup of water from the nurses station and that was it. So I said no.

 

Then we started the actual story of why we were there. We started presenting ourselves and explaining our couple dynamic, she wanted to get to know us before she could dive in completely. And then we begun to explain the situation and why we thought we felt like we felt. And she listened. I could tell you all the details on the questions she asked and what we answer and what she answer back... but I'll resume it because its way too long:

 

She thinks we have a great complicity

But we assume too much, for example: I assume he'll want to wander and he assumed I would just be okay with being told three years later. That we should have communicated.

Speaking of communication: she says that it sounds like I am the one always solving the problems by analyzing the situation in which we argue all the time. Which is good but we BOTH need to work on solving an argument and not just me. And that my : I can do it, atitude often took more space.

Basically she's saying that I do all the work in the relationship when it comes to problem solving but mostly because I don't let James do it. As in as much as we both like to agree on things, my decision is final and that why James seems to her, to be dependant a lot on me.

He does his own things when he wants and however he wants but according to her when it comes to our relationship I'm the one leading and fixing and organising all the time.

She said, from what I told her about my life that I applied this a lot to all sections in my life and that I was a person who assumed control easily and predicted often different outcomes before they even happen. Which is not necessarily a bad thing but in the James and Vanna case : it means I'm already predicting he's going to cheat on me

That in my calculated risk of getting married, where I predicted certain situations and my reaction to them and how to fix them, that his sudden coming out put an extra number in the equation and that's what bothered me the most.

I suppose? I mean... its something to adjust to..... to be insecure about? She said I took a lot on my shoulders. That I seem to be always trying to fix everything and everyone. I told her it wasn't fair that she probably said that because of what I had told her... and she said the point was to come here and tell her things.

Well.

She says from what she sees that I am the one who grabs a problem and needs to solve it right away compared to James who just sweeps it under the carpet and hopes it doesn't come back up. That we are complete opposites when it comes to handling out emotions. That James is just going with what he feels while I'm more, mind over heart and that we need to find a middle point when we communicate. Because James just doesn't solve things and hides things and I just solve things on my own and use my logic rather than how I feel. So it makes me take over every situation and make him seem like he doesn't care or is hiding something. Which he is, but not with the intention to wrong me.

My god this is complicated.

So from what I get from all this : we need to work on our communication skills, mainly James and I have to learn how to not man every situation and ask for help or give him responsibility for a change. Which will allow us to communicate better our feelings towards our insecurities about his bisexuality and TOGETHER not just me, learn how to deal with it. If he is willing to be more open to me, not dismissing things because he doesn't want to face me by fear of losing me.... and If I want to accept there are things I can't predict.

 

Phew.

 

Before we left, she said she things we have a good chemistry and even if were opposites we work really well as a team, especially since we have the same crude humour and values. But she told James to write her a list of words he wants to say to me concerning his bisexuality and why he kept it for three years... for next Wednesday ... kind of like homework....

And me... She told me she feels that I'm trying to hard and that she thinks I'm on my way to a burn out and asked me to look into that and how I feel about her saying that. When I told her: it pisses me off if I am ... because I'm 26, healthy and I shouldn't be in burn out. - She told me that me thinking I'm superwoman is a symptom of the beginning of a burn out.

 

I went back to work "illegally" today. And if I am honest... this burn out thing is the last thing on my mind right now. I can't afford to be... weak?

 

As for today... my Thursday and my whole mother problem thing... I decided not to write about it... at least just yet. I think she took a good portion of my day and ruined it. I'm not going to let her take more of my time.

 

In resume

 

1. I need to remind James to do his little homework... and NOT forget to bring it with him next Wednesday.

2. Since yesterday night our sex life is back.

[Venny2900]

Want to run away.

 

Far far far away. From family, from friends, from boyfriends, from work, from the street I live on, from the city I live in, from the province I was born, From the country I'm from.

 

So far that finding any trace of me is impossible. That even if I tried to contact them it would be impossible.

 

Just getting away, so very far away.

 

Thought of the day.

[Venny2900]

How I see my life so far :

 

childhood : happiest time of your life, the one where you let it pass without even realising. Because your too young to realise. You sleep well but rather stay up exploring the world.

 

Teenage years: You realised the world isnt as pretty as it looked in your childhood, you become more aware that there are other cities in the world. And what you discover is ugly. You get to know society, anxiety, work for the first time, hormones off the chart, you realise you have an opinion and it is expected of you to be mature after discovering all this.

 

Before 25: Your an "adult" now but you don't feel it. Your expected to act like it. You experience, since now your legal. Life is still confusing. You need to hurry the hell up and find out what you want to do with the rest of your life, because your supposed to know RIGHT NOW. You actually start to discover yourself and see the world isn't as bad as it seemed. Sleep is a luxury only for children. School and work take every day of your life and when you go out your too drunk to actually remember it. You TRY to solve things on your own...TRY

 

By 26: You pretty much know what you want out of life. Your opinions are firm and you realise there is no such thing as good in this life and the only reason there is good, is because we make it ourselves. You officially act like an adult but they tell you your still too young to know things. Life is still confusing but your getting better at it because a least now you know what you want out of it. Your clumsy. You are a clumsy adult who makes bright ideas but say it crookedly and no one understands. Changing the world starts by getting the courage to stand up to society. Society still sucks but at least you know your right... or at least your pretty sure your right... You realise your smart but that in five years you'll probably look back and say : I was such a stupid ass back then. Oh and you don't sleep not because you have a busy schedule but because you just can't sleep like before any more... And your scared as hell of every decision you make because you realise how the smallest descision can make an impact on your life.

 

 

That's what I was thinking of life so far... just thought I would write it down. Why not?

[Venny2900]

I felt an amazing amount of self relief today.

 

I message my closest friend or "sister" as I call her... explaining everything I have been feeling lately... about my parents, about James, about my work, about our friendship and how I have been feeling "stuck" caged... I told her I sent an email, which is three pages long and she told me she would read it when she gets home. Of course Im a bit curious to what shes going to say. But one thing for sure, I feel so relieved to detail all my feelings to someone who knows me so well. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy writing my thoughts here... But it feels like... Well it feels like confiding in someone you care about. It has much more meaning. Its great to write and let out whatever you think to strangers because you don't feel like your overbearing someone, honestly whoever reads this could just dismiss this and go on with their lives. So I don't feel like a weight.

 

I'm starting to think that, I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself on : being a great friend, fixing my relationship with my parents, being great at work, and just being best in everything... The pressure must have built up until I was in a corner... AND THEN BOOM Your soul mate is bisexual. Feels like I'm in a corner with someones hands around my neck. And knowing I have to work on my relationship and survive my parents... just seems like my hole in that corner is digging deeper. I'm very tired and I'm tired really often, I even managed to sleep 13 hours straight and wake up even more tired then when I woke up.

 

I need release, I need to remind myself why on earth I've been chipping away at my mentality for.

 

But for now, I just feel so tired. So for now, letting out to someone I care deeply about... just feels like a small victory... Does this make sense? My thoughts are all over the place lately, I feel like I can't think straight.

 

I don't know.

[thejigsup]

Wait until you are in your 30s and have kids. That's when the real fun begins. Trust me. I'm in my 50s and I've never been happier or more content with the world. By the way, I wear expensive rings and I am far from a bitter old lady. I am a very happy, very giving, person with a lot of friends. Life is great!

[Venny2900]

I have been re evaluating my desires to marry and or have kids lately... Which is really annoying since I thought I had it pretty much figured out by now. But Obviously not everyone who wears big golden rings are the same... I just wish there was someone much older, who wasn't so stuck up and traditional... I'm sure their out there... But it would be really nice to have someone close to me who is like that

[Venny2900]

Here's a thought :

 

At 12 you think you got things figured out

At 15 you think you got things figured out

At 18 you think you got things figured out

At 20 you think you got things figured out

At 25 you think you got things figured

 

When does one ACTUALLY has things figures out...

[Venny2900]

Today's thoughts :

 

Sometimes listening to my mother makes me want to hurt myself.

To become a heavy alcoholic heroine taking addict.

I don't know why. She just makes me want to myself . To hurt myself. Anyone really.

Like really cut myself up in little pieces and feed myself to someone.

Isn't that sick?

But she just makes me want to hurt myself.

Just by saying her opinions.

[Venny2900]

After these two horrible days of trauma... and i don't even feel like talking about what happened last night; I finally found a day off where I can be by myself and everyone is too busy to reach me. So far today is the best day ever... I work again tomorrow but I have off Thursday and Friday... Lucky girl right??? But it has a lot to do with my doctors note from yesterday... again I won't get into that but I have a few weeks with limited hours to work to look into.

 

I don't want to ruin this post by adding something negative to it... And I do want to say; I'm really grateful to have my sister(bff) and James with me. I have no idea what my life would be like without them. Their constantly encouraging me or, like James did last night "shelter me"

 

I'm spending my free time today doing the things I love the most: Writing, short stories mostly. Drinking excessive amounts of tea and major pointless research into history for my pure pleasure... I really can't wait to go back to school and major in history... I've already started but I want top finish it... and it's going to take me wherever it takes me. As long as I'm into something I'm passionate about how the heck can I do wrong?

 

I finally found a documentary on Saladdin that is actually provided by real historians and not peoples imposing their opinions. The only problem is; its in Turkish... and I don't speak it So I have to try to decipher.

[thejigsup]

I have a BA in History. It got me nowhere but teaching. That's all you can do with it. No one, and I do mean no one, will hire someone with a history major. Thank god I have a minor in math and science. That keeps me employed.

[Venny2900]

Yeah, I agree but I'm going for a master in museum science ( museum studies) its a two years program (including internship) I mostly aim that but I hear a great deal about Heritage Canada but I haven't actually looked into that yet.... ( I should have mentioned this before, I just forget details sometimes)

 

One thing for sure, I have a long road ahead. But it's better to be unsure of what's going to happen then being 100% sure I'm in a career I know I will regret all my life.

One BIG regret so far : not starting sooner.

[Venny2900]

Thought of the day :

 

So much money we pay the government

So much they laugh at us

[Venny2900]

ha.

 

Risked my laugh last night with all that ice rain outside to go to our counsellor. James was great, I reminded him only once to do his little homework and he did it and left it in his car to remember. We went there and honestly we had no motivation. I'm beginning to think that this is waste of money, someone telling me this and that. She answered its probably because of my own personal problems. Its as if we could work out our problems better on our own. A lot of unimportant things we agree to disagree and on all the important things we agree... so why does she keep finding problems?? She basically drilled us on an idea: that I wasn't comfortable with his bisexuality and he wasn't either and thats why he didn't say.

 

It came to a point where I felt, that WE were being accused of something we were not guilty. To the point where we have nothing to say.

 

" It could be because of your upbringing it bothers you"

- yes my upbringing didnt help... because I have a certain image. But I'm with someone who treats me well and loves me for me. So Its like getting used to a stain on your favorite comfy shirt.

 

" so you do admit you can't accept"

 

- I can and did, because the initial reaction is over... the shock of something that didn't show or was expected. Its normal, and the keeping it secret

 

- So you cant accept it

 

BY GOD WOMAN

 

I'm talking to a wall. James just stayed quiet. He was so proud he remembered his homework. He used the words : regret, sad and guilty

 

I told her we should work on our trust not exactly the bisexuality. The idea that having something hidden from me, already I had a hard time trusting people, made things worse.

She wanted to talk about me accepting the bisexuality. Was she even listening?

 

Anyhoo. I got a reply from my closest friend, it was so nice to "not face" and yet write someone all your worries. She told me I shouldn't keep it always to myself, that people know something wrong and sometimes it makes them feel like a burden too...or unwanted especially by a woman who has trouble trusting ( haha)

 

But she reassured me a lot. James and I agreed to spend some time apart this weekend, he loves my friends and I love his and we usually go as a small group ( and act like were only friends, because being lovey dovey.. is something we find rude) But anyhoo, this weekend were each hanging out separately with our groups... not that its a big thing we do it once in a while

 

But I just wanted to spend time with my best friend. A bit away from all the things in my life. Mini break... talking about movies and history... were going to watch Risen... I'm curious.

[Venny2900]

Sometime people have a tendency to tell you how to feel. They don't ask or try to help you figure it out on your own.

They just know. And apparently some people are ok with that.

[Venny2900]

I have a little health issue Wich stops me from eating anything I want whenever I want.

So yesterday a friend of mine asked me If I wanted to go to this 70s dinner... which I can't because lately I've been everything intolerant. So I said no

She said ; boo

Then she sent me the link to the place and when I told her it looked good

She replied ; boohoo

 

Like ... honestly do you say that to someone : boo and boohoo when they have a condition? Granted I could eat and die of pain the next day.

But I felt like: well you suck for being unable

 

Pardon my condition that I don't get to eat hamburgers and milkshakes all the time.

 

This friend has been seriously getting on my nerves

[Venny2900]

There are weeks where everything goes bad. In every department; health, relationships, friendship, family, work. And things like each day a different electronic breaks down. And flowers you work hard to keep seem to suddenly die. Then people die, then people get new diseases, then accidents happen.

 

Yeah those kind of weeks. Where you desperately try to make something positive in it and it doesn't work. Even the weather seems to be working against you.

 

There is no way I'm going to counselling tonight. I have had enough bad news for one week.

 

I just need to ride it out now. Not that next week is going to be better with the funerals I'm going to. But maybe I'll find something positive to concentrate on next week

[Venny2900]

How would one atone for mistakes made when younger?

I think it might just be... lessons learned but still

[Venny2900]

I was in a totally good mood this morning as in, the SUN IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND THE WORLD IS MINE kind of happiness which is nice considering the whole week I had. But I had determined to have the : its going to happen anyway so make the best out of it atitude.

 

And as if her mother senses tingled, my mother called and picked a fight with me. And I mean she asked : How are you.... and then the : Remember when you were living with us and you never cleaned your room ( You know those Teenage years) And I was like : yesss....

 

And she went on, on how it means I'm unhappy and how I have issues in my head...and what??? Like? What? But I'm not saying she's wrong, I was a slob... then again teens are often slobs... I don't think I was not normal and when I hit 21 I was a major cleaner...

And then she goes on to say my place is a pig pen. Of all the places in the world. Come on. I clean my bed sheets twice a week, do laundry every day, never go to sleep with one dish in the sink... Vacuum every 2 days... have a schedule, mostly because James is a slob but godamit?! And then she goes on to tell me if I cleaned more I would be more sane. That things in my head would be more clear.

 

Is it possible? To pass one day without having someone making me try to believe I'm crazy? Of course I'm not going to let it ruin my day, I have a great day ahead but why are people always trying to push negativity on me? Oh yeah, I got issues, tiny issues, LESS than a lot of people and I like to think I'm handling them, one day at a time, I over think constantly and I figure if I take it slowly, think of one issue at a time, then slowly but surely things will get themselves fixed.

 

I know what my problems are and I am trying to fix them. But people trying to add problems that I don't have to that list, is not helping. She is my problem. I want to connect with my mom. She's my mother. But then again do I really need someone who tries to drown me?

 

The fight was mainly about what I said which, word for word, and I swear on my head, on anyone I loves head : Mom, not everyone thinks the way you do. To some people, wearing jogging pants at home is normal and to others, they don't like wearing jogging pants at home. We don't all think the way you do.

 

( In resume, she's convinced that me wearing jogging pants is a sign I'm a slob and don't care about myself and hate myself and am completely lost in my head.)

 

And this was her answer : Oh! So I'm the crazy one!

 

There is no such thing as having an understanding conversation with this woman.... you know one where she respects my point of view and then explains hers so I can better accept and understand her own point of view....

 

But no.

Well I had to get this off my chest. I am determined to have a good day... I just need advil for a headache. But The sun is so lovely today.

[Venny2900]

You should say sorry.

 

My parents have often told me that. When I was a kid I used to apologise when asked to. When I was a teenager I'd be hormonal about it but I'd apologise.

When I was a young adult, I apologized simply to buy peace.

 

Finally at some point, I started asking why. If someone could explain to me how saying : I am not religious

( of course in a polite way )

Is offensive enough for someone to demand an apology.

 

And they don't answer me.

I get told off. And I'm still wondering why I am not allowed to say I'm not religious

 

 

Would it be really so bad to like desapear? Go to another country and breathe.

 

I'm thinking of just burning a lot of bridges lately.

I'm being harassed by James sister all the time asking me what is going on with our relationship. Like I know any better. Both of us are so worn out from work and school and familly that we don't even have the energy to argue.

 

We're like robots. We haven't talked much about what happened between us. I'm too tired and he's too tired so when we planned to sit down and talk. We just had said what was known and we'll that's it.

 

We agreed that we need more time and for trust to be 100% again. I know some people are going to say yeah but he hid it from you and you can't ever trust him again because he was manipulating you

 

I don't know. From what I see in our relationship I'm the one planning and often calling the shots. Even all this talking it was me telling him what were going to do and I told him it upset me because I feel he's afraid not to be honest with me. Which he replies he would have never intentionally hid something to do bad. And that yes he was certain it would be taken lightly.

So he's either lying or he's actually stupid. Sadly I'll go with stupid.

He might Excell in numbers and learning things by heart but when it comes to emotions he's the type whose going to make a bad joke at a funeral and then wonder why people are mad at him. Because he was trying to cheer them up

His logic.

 

I don't know.

Who knows?

No one knows

All I know is after Saturday I have two weeks off

 

And I am not excited.

 

They'll come for me.

Everyone who makes my life difficult.

Their senses will tingle and they'll come knocking.

 

Hello? I felt you had some time off? What are you doing ?!?! Reading!?!?! Having some tea?!?!?! Ok!!! Let's argue about something, let me tell you your wrong and not explain why and accuse you of things you never thought of!

What's this? Your not talking back!?!! Oh my god your so rude! Not want to argue so you agree?!?! You must be mentally insane.

 

2 weeks... 2 weeks. ....

 

 

It's a great big world out there but there's not much in it is there

[Venny2900]

Proud. Very proud of myself today. I brought donuts to my mom knowing she's been craving maple donut from my dad. And she threw the box at me saying it won't make her forgive me for saying I'm not religious in front of her sister.

And I said : well I wad just being nice.

Even my father couldn't understand why she was pissed off for that.

 

But I'm proud because even if I had to clean my shirt. It didn't ruin my day. Went to work. Came back. In a good mood.

I'm so proud I didn't let it affect me as much as it used to. I'm proud. And I think what helped a lot was me considering her as well bluntly ; one of my patients. As if she had some mental illness that prevented her to understand what is considered normal behaviour. I mean I know, she's never been diagnosed but seeing her that way just makes me less hurt or angry

 

 

And anger is a poison that only kills the one who feels it

 

 

So this is better. Much better

[Venny2900]

I have been so busy... couldnt write a a lot.... dont have time really....

But I will say this:

 

Met an old friend today, she's pregnant and expecting a little boy. I was really excited for her honestly and a bit jealous because she's having a boy ( I always wanted boys)

She's single so I wished her the best and told her she was brave,

She asked me what's new with my life, I told her I was single and it ended at that.

Of course she gave me the : Just you wait and see speech

 

But I didn't have the heart to start explaining.

 

I feel honestly sad.

[Venny2900]

Well.

 

I know I haven't written in a long time.... A lot of things have happened and somehow I wanted to let it out.... I remembered I had a little journal here and decided to come back and read it completely.

 

It feels like everything I have written above happened thousands of years ago.

 

So in short:

 

James and I are no longer together nor will there be an opportunity for us to get back together. I know how they say that any good relationship takes a lot of hard work but this one had worn me out to the point where I didn't want to work at it anymore. I like things to come naturally. In the end, his bisexuality wasnt the problem, it was the " is he keeping something else from me???" And working hard on myself while helping him trying to gain my own trust back just worn me out. Its as if I was the one doing my own personal therapy and his in order for our therapy together to work. It felt one sided... like if I had to put so much effort into fixing him and me to fix us. I got very tired.

Our break up ended up in the end of the relationship between me and my mother. But again, I was so tired from working hard and worrying that I couldn't care less if she didn't want to speak to me. I got tired of caring.

 

I guess you can say I got tired of being everyone's mother. Taking care of James. How he feels, what he does, making sure he understands that I'm okay as long as he doesn't hide anything from me. Helping him understand what I mean by trust. Satisfying my mother's needs of proving her right, giving attention to her needs and what I don't want to do to fulfil them. Even my friends, how I go to universities and look up papers for them to fill in order to go back to studying what they like. Find them good men, finding them good women, helping them find jobs, helping them do diets, helping them with their anxieties.

 

It's as if i wasnt burned out by work but by other people. So I quit my nursing job and took back my old job in sales while waiting for university to start in winter. And I stopped babying everyone. I can't help anyone who doesn't help themselves.

 

So this year, if I count, I've lost : two best friends, one boyfriend, two parents. I had to make James understood that I can't be wearing the pants 98.99% of the time and that I was too tired to even try again. One best friend now understands that if she doesn't want to make an effort and leave the husband that keeps hitting her, I cant be there to hear about how she doesn't want to leave him but hates him. The other best friend I made her understand that I can't always be the one to match her with men, listen to her complain on how she doesn't like her life at home and yet never applies for a job or constantly have to reassure her when she doesn't even try to reassure her own self.

And my mom, who doesn't want a daughter whose 26 and unmarried. Nothing I can do about that.

 

I decided to just follow what I want, who I want to be and take care of myself and then here I am finding myself almost completely alone.... As if I never made a proper choice on who to let in my life.

 

Yet, I've never been more at peace.