"You're not married yet?"

[TMifune]

I actually don't get asked this question. I assume that whatever it is that keeps me from connecting with other people is something that so glaringly obvious to other people they don't need to ask. It's plain as day to them. Wish it was as plain to me.

[Fudgie]

I've been asked. It's a stupid, nosy question. My answer now is "Nah, I am too young!"

 

Same question for "do you have babies/when will you be making babies" - "Too young!"

 

People laugh, a couple have gotten offended "WELL, my mother had me at 19!" and I say "well good for her. I'm still young to have kids!"

 

Can't wait until I am 30/40s and I am still saying that. Stupid questions deserve stupid answers.

[Fudgie]

Oh, here is another thing, I was asked recently about kids from another coworker (male, too) and if I had any/wanted any and my answer was "Nah. I never looked at my life and thought 'Do you know what this needs? More puke.'" His answer? "Fair point".

 

I wish I weren't asked so much but where I work, I don't know, everyone seems to breed like rabbits so I guess it's part of the group mentality here. Kids are a huge part of their lives so they assume it's true for other people. Some seem genuinely surprised when you answer "no", like they never realized that it was a choice. I feel sad for them, because all of it is a choice, and I think it's best if people keep that in mind when they are deciding their life path. As long as you're not hurting anyone, you can do what you want!

[Ms Darcy]

My husband and I got this question when we had been together for a few years. So my experience with this might be slightly different. We just said that we are not in a rush. And by the way that came from two single women who wanted to be in a relationship and the question came off sort of ... sad.

 

It's a rude question though. I would probably say: Marriage is not something I have to do and certainly not in a specific timeframe. Everyone is different.

[IAmFCA]

When people ask intrusive questions, I like answering with something silly. Why explain myself? For example... the question I get sometimes is "How are you still single?" to which I might answer, "I don't know. Maybe I need to shower twice a week instead of just on Sundays." or "I think my prison tats scare people off." To "Do you want to have any children?" or worse, "Don't you want to have any children?" I might answer, "Maybe. If I ever learn to keep a goldfish for more than a week, I might slowly work up to humans. Not there yet." or "Actually, no. The local authorities have asked me to refrain from replicating myself."

 

Often, I stand tall in my answer, knowing they don't want to hear it. "Don't you want children someday?" "No," with a big fat smile on my face. "Why aren't you married yet?" has no answer, so I might just ignore it, with "Speaking of which, how is your family?

 

I assume people are well meaning when they ask this stuff; its a compliment in a funny way, if also myopic. Sometimes I can answer, "Thank you for thinking of me!" and then ask about them.

[IAmFCA]

With respect to age - yes, I stopped getting asked stupid questions the older I got. Mostly, because I am no longer around people who are in a different life stage. I still get asked stupid questions when around adults of an advanced age. I've been told all kinds of crazy things; "I couldn't have my wife working" and "you need a man to protect you" and "your children need a father".... uh, okay. They get the same treatment as the other questions, "Thank you for thinking of us! The kids and I have such fun together. Are your grandchildren able to visit often?/Are you still playing bridge?/Do you have any travel planned?"

[Batya33]

An acquaintance of mine, when I told her I was pregnant (at 41) said to me in rapid fire (3 questions in 60 seconds, hadn't seen her in years) "Was it natural? Was it planned? Are you getting married?"

 

Stupidly, I answered "yes" to all. (all true, but stupid of me to respond to that kind of interrogation). I think people don't think before they ask and are more interested in the drama of it than how the other person will feel.

[IAmFCA]

An acquaintance of mine, when I told her I was pregnant (at 41) said to me in rapid fire (3 questions in 60 seconds, hadn't seen her in years) "Was it natural? Was it planned? Are you getting married?"

 

Stupidly, I answered "yes" to all. (all true, but stupid of me to respond to that kind of interrogation). I think people don't think before they ask and are more interested in the drama of it than how the other person will feel.

 

Haha "No, it was an alien abduction. We were startled, to be honest. I hope never to see him again." Like, really, what was she thinking you were going to say??

[j.man]

Truth be told, I don't see a reason to care from either direction.

 

The reason for not being married should be pretty self evident between either not having found the right person or simply not having the desire to get hitched yet. It's a dead-end question to ask.

 

At the same time, I don't see any reason to get uptight about being asked the question. Yeah, it's a tad nosy, but I think generally it comes from an a more positive angle of, "When am I going to see you happily married?" rather than probing for some kind of defect.

[John John]

Truth be told, I don't see a reason to care from either direction.

 

The reason for not being married should be pretty self evident between either not having found the right person or simply not having the desire to get hitched yet. It's a dead-end question to ask.

 

At the same time, I don't see any reason to get uptight about being asked the question. Yeah, it's a tad nosy, but I think generally it comes from an a more positive angle of, "When am I going to see you happily married?" rather than probing for some kind of defect.

 

I agree with you. It is kind of a dead-end question. It can really only be those two answers (haven't found the right person, or just don't want to get married). I think it also depends on how the person says it, and how well they know us. If it's someone that you just don't like or aren't close with, I can understand getting annoyed at the question.

 

I feel like this tends to be asked more of women, but I've gotten it a few times. Some women in my family and friends think I'm a player. Little to do they know...I'm a big marshmallow and WANT to be (somewhat - not totally) domesticated! lol

[mhowe]

I tell people I cannot manage to pass the license test.

[j.man]

I agree with you. It is kind of a dead-end question. It can really only be those two answers (haven't found the right person, or just don't want to get married). I think it also depends on how the person says it, and how well they know us. If it's someone that you just don't like or aren't close with, I can understand getting annoyed at the question.

 

I feel like this tends to be asked more of women, but I've gotten it a few times. Some women in my family and friends think I'm a player. Little to do they know...I'm a big marshmallow and WANT to be (somewhat - not totally) domesticated! lol

Yeah that's strange to me. The only times I've ever had strangers ask me that kind of question has been when I've been with my girlfriend at a function and they ask how long we've been together. When we say two years, sometimes people will ask why we're not engaged yet. I come up with a new answer every time that typically earns me a punch in the shoulder.

[IAmFCA]

Humor is a great deflection tool

[mhowe]

On vacation, checking into hotels...the people will say "you and your husband"...

I know it doesn't make any difference, but I usually tell them we aren't married and he is my boy toy.

[IAmFCA]

On vacation, checking into hotels...the people will say "you and your husband"...

I know it doesn't make any difference, but I usually tell them we aren't married and he is my boy toy.

 

That's funny.

 

Hotels need to train staff how to avoid this! "The two of you... "

[IAmFCA]

Warning: saying a controversial self truth...

 

BITD, I began a long relationship while still married. I can explain, but that isn't the point and isn't satisfactory anyhow.

 

When my bf and I first traveled together, I realized I was wearing my ring, and said I should remove it. He said, "No, it's the truth." I always loved him for that. Own your truth. When I was ready to take it off, I did. But he always encouraged me to stay married if I could, and then he stayed with me long after the divorce, until his eventual passing.

 

We appeared vastly different in age, much more than reasonable. People said funny things all the time. We told the truth, but never more than needed. "Your father... " "Oh, he's not my father!" (Yet I am wearing a wedding ring, he's not married, I look like I'm 20, many amused expressions.)

That stuff happened all the time. He taught me the beauty of Why should I give a damn coupled with Own my truth.

 

Intrusive questions now - I never get them. I wonder if it's because I don't notice. Why aren't you married? I might just say, Who knows? With a genuine smile, because I couldn't care less whether I fit their world view.

 

Grateful!

[Fudgie]

My ex B and I used to go out when we were together and he was mistaken for my grandfather more times than I can account. I found it funny to say "Uhm, no, he's my boyfriend! You shouldn't assume!" and they got very embarrassed.

 

A couple waitresses were weirded out and didn't want to wait on us after I said that so someone else had to take our table. So funny. I laugh about it now.

 

My mother always told me, never assume. She said her worst time was taking care of a man in the ER who had someone with him and she said "oh, is he your family member? A brother?" and the man said "No, SHE'S my WIFE."

 

My mom wanted to die.

[mhowe]

I once checked into a hotel with my brother...we were surprising our parents for their anniversary. We had requested a room with 2 beds....however, we share the same last name. Assumptions are made. Get up to the room...a king.

Go down to the front desk as he gets ready and say "we got a problem"

The guy says what? You don't like the king upgrade?

Ahh, no. He's my brother....not my husband.

Oh thank god...the guy said. We thought "oh, such a good looking couple and they don't sleep together".

 

Yikes. What the people behind the desk must chat about all day!

[saluk]

I wonder how many feuding couples that hotel staff has gotten back together with that ploy. Probably a negative number.

[LoveSoDeep]

Being 38 and never married I get this all the time....well let me correct that....I used to get it all the time. When I lived in a a medium sized Mid-West city I got it almost daily. Now I live on the west coast in a big city and I get it only occasionally (I still think people are thinking it they just don;t dare ask, lol) My response is usually to laugh and say "I wish I knew."

 

I also used to get "when are you going to have kids?" from family mostly. I would usually say "Well I was waiting for marriage but if you want them so bad I can go to the club tonight and get knocked-up, no problem." That shut them up really fast. lol

 

I once checked into a hotel with my brother...we were surprising our parents for their anniversary. We had requested a room with 2 beds....however, we share the same last name. Assumptions are made. Get up to the room...a king.

Go down to the front desk as he gets ready and say "we got a problem"

The guy says what? You don't like the king upgrade?

Ahh, no. He's my brother....not my husband.

Oh thank god...the guy said. We thought "oh, such a good looking couple and they don't sleep together".

 

Yikes. What the people behind the desk must chat about all day!

 

HAHA! I'm staying with my brother for almost 3 weeks and we have the same problem! If we go out to dinner everyone assumes it's a date and when I pay they act weird. In stores they suggest he should buy me things. One guy in church even said "It's okay you can hold hands at least" We just looked at each other and burst out laughing. He looked so confused until we told him we were siblings. I think it's partially because we are so comfortable together....my other brother and I are not as close and no one ever thinks we are married if we are out together.

 

When the bother I am closer with was in college he lived with our other sister and had lots of classes with her because they were in the same major and the professors all assumed they were married...same last name same address I guess it's possible..... but at 19-20 years old! lol People just like to assume the weirdest things.

[j.man]

My mother had me in her late teens and I've got an aunt whom I'm close to who is only four years older than me. People will confuse my oldest little sister and me as a couple and we'll both instinctively shudder and then laugh it off, but I gotta admit I still let out a small sigh every time my aunt or mother are mistaken as my girlfriend. I suppose it doesn't help either that they get an absolute kick out of it and run with it...

[Blue Spiral]

When I was with Deedee (my first girlfriend), we once took a long road trip together. We weren't really used to being out in public together--we usually just stayed in. When we got to the desk at the (first) hotel, I said something like, "Uh, hi, I'm Blue Spiral, and this is Deedee, and we're--um--we have a reservation." Deedee put her head on my shoulder and cheerfully said "I'm his love-slave." This was, like, 1999 or something, long before Shades of Grey had mainstreamed that sort of stuff. (And she wasn't actually my love-slave, for the record.) She lived to embarrass me...

 

...but I was the same way with her. At the second hotel, they actually did think we were married. That's when I got my revenge. Paraphrased: "Oh, no, we aren't married. But I hope our room has a really sturdy bed--she's been trying to convince me that it's a good idea, and the bed might not survive her 'convincing'." She turned bright red and stayed that way for quite some time.

 

And, on the topic of age-related confusion: this past Christmas, my nieces came to town, and the oldest one is learning how to drive. She makes her parents crazy when she tries to drive, so I got volunteered to help her while she was here. She did pretty well, and, afterwards, we went out for pizza. She looks a little older than she is (and she's already taller than me), and I look quite a bit younger, so her calling me "Uncle Blue" got a lot of heads turning.

[Batya33]

Years ago my female friend and I stayed at a lovely B&B in Northern California. It was obvious the staff thought we were a couple lol.

[Snny]

To "Do you want to have any children?" or worse, "Don't you want to have any children?" I might answer, "Maybe. If I ever learn to keep a goldfish for more than a week, I might slowly work up to humans. Not there yet.".

You inspire me. I am so stealing that line.