SunshineHeart Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 we were such great friends, had our ups and downs in the relationship. although im not over him, i feel ready to take the last step of moving which is forgiveness. we havent talked for 2 months. i do want to see him one last time to say goodbye though because we broke up over message. how do i go about doing that. this goodbye will be the last contact i ever have with him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 we were such great friends, had our ups and downs in the relationship. although im not over him, i feel ready to take the last step of moving which is forgiveness. we havent talked for 2 months. i do want to see him one last time to say goodbye though because we broke up over message. how do i go about doing that. this goodbye will be the last contact i ever have with him don't do it! Look, we can twist ourselves into a pretzel justifying doing things like this. You've been on ENA just long enough to know your way around. Search for countless threads on the very same thing. 99% will be advised not to do it. 99 % of those that do it, regret it. It's our emotional brain not being logical and fooling ourselves into this being a great idea. But what happens is it throws us back to square one and grieving all over again. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to start again. Painful enough the first time, right? Besides, he can't help you know. You two are no longer a unit and it's not his job to tell you anything that might make you feel better or heal faster. This is your job. That's what being single is about. It's about learning to get your legs under you again and comforting yourself. Not him. Forgiveness isn't about him. It's about you and a gift for yourself. He doesn't need to hear it or benefit from it either. Call friends, spend time with family. Journal, come here and vent. Just don't call him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 I don't recommend this, though I understand why you feel you need it. Forgiveness can, and often does, occur without ever seeing a person again. "Closure," (which I'm not really sure exists anyway, per se) comes from within. I know you think you will move on after this, but please be VERY certain of your motives before contacting him to meet. What if he doesn't respond? What if he says no? What if you meet and it's devastating for you? What if you meet and he tells you all about how he's moved on? You need to be 100% prepared for -- and OK with -- anything that may or may not happen. It's only been two months since you last spoke with him. I strongly urge you to wait a bit more before doing anything. That feeling of needing "closure" often comes and goes, and you could be setting yourself up for further heartbreak by contacting him for a "final meeting." I've actually had a couple of those "final meetings," by the way, and in my experience, they were awful. I wasn't over the person by any means, and it just made the healing process longer and rockier. Just my thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustWishing Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Don't do it. It's a huuuuge setback for you!!! It doesn't matter how you broke up. You guys broke up. Text. letter. in person, phone, note, it doesn't matter. You are done and have no intentions of getting back together. What is the point of meeting face to face just to be like: "Oh, so I wanted to tell you, that we are officially broken up now and I wanted to do it face to face. There." Worst case scenario you guys have sex "one last time" just to dwell over it in the future how "awesome" it was. There is no point. All it does is make you feel horrible and all those feelings you had for the last 2 month going through this break up, will hit you with a vengeance and make you feel even worse than you felt before. So, take all our advice to heart and tell him that you are not meeting him. Please!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Don't do it. It's a huuuuge setback for you!!! It doesn't matter how you broke up. You guys broke up. Text. letter. in person, phone, note, it doesn't matter. You are done and have no intentions of getting back together. What is the point of meeting face to face just to be like: "Oh, so I wanted to tell you, that we are officially broken up now and I wanted to do it face to face. There." Worst case scenario you guys have sex "one last time" just to dwell over it in the future how "awesome" it was. There is no point. All it does is make you feel horrible and all those feelings you had for the last 2 month going through this break up, will hit you with a vengeance and make you feel even worse than you felt before. So, take all our advice to heart and tell him that you are not meeting him. Please!!! Agree!!! The setback is real. The time together is fun then frustrating. So much to say and all of it worthless. No. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clinton Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 You: I'd like to get together one last time to say goodbye. Him: Great. Does that mean we get to have sex You: No, I just want to do it to get closure. Him: is closure code for we get to have sex? You: no, youre getting the wrong idea. I just want to look at you one last time and let you go. Him: look at me naked!!!! I'm in. And then we get to have sex right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 we were such great friends, had our ups and downs in the relationship. although im not over him, i feel ready to take the last step of moving which is forgiveness. we havent talked for 2 months. i do want to see him one last time to say goodbye though because we broke up over message. how do i go about doing that. this goodbye will be the last contact i ever have with him You can forgive him and yourself without doing it face to face just like you can break up, like you did while not face to face. Put your forgiveness on paper and when you're ready, read it one last time and then burn it. You have ulterior motives for wanting a face-to-face even if you don't consciously acknowledge that. Give yourself closure with the burning ritual. You'll be glad you stayed away. Just re-read this thread and truly grasp what everyone here is telling you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustWishing Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Just re-read your very first thread about this guy. In there you wrote all the reasons why this relationship with him is toxic. Bottom line: He doesn't love you. If you met him, he would just use you and you would find yourself back at square one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunshineHeart Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 how can i be rational now? im finding it so hard not to text him. i know he doesnt want me and im rational but my emotions are unbearable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Give your phone to a friend for a few weeks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustWishing Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 If you already think that your emotions are unbearable now, just wait till you meet him!!! Your emotions will be 10 times worse and even more unbearable. I know this is not what you want to hear and I wish I could give you advice which is easy to do.... If you are strong now, stick to your guns and go through with not seeing him, in the end....you will be better. If you give in to your emotions and see him, it will take you a way longer time to get over these unbearable emotions. I have been there... and done this. I know! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 how can i be rational now? im finding it so hard not to text him. i know he doesnt want me and im rational but my emotions are unbearable. ... and there are those ulterior motives. You don't want to see him "one last time to say goodbye," You want to see him because you CAN'T say goodbye. Cold turkey withdrawl means you don't have another hit of your drug. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHeard Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 Please please don't do this (though I have an idea that you will). No matter how many goodbye talks you have, there is no closure. You will walk away with even more unanswered questions. It's an endless, painful path and only ends when YOU choose to end it by seeking finality. Only you will find your own peace. He can't help you with that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rich46 Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 Yeah most if not all people fresh out of a break up have these urges to contact their ex. I know I did about five months after my break up. I convinced myself that I needed to write one last email, but thankfully I snapped out of it quickly after some words of encouragement on here, and I quickly wondered what on earth I was thinking to ever contemplate setting myself up for a fall like that! I am well-versed in no contact so I can keep it quite easily for the most part, despite those little urges in the beginning which are quite normal. A cliche, but it does resemble going cold turkey. The thing that used to hurt was checking my phone and being sad when she hadn't got in touch, but I upgraded to a smartphone at long last and that helped so much as I didn't associate it with my ex's messages. Just a little technique that helped in the beginning. I had as little 'closure' as there is possible to have but 10 months on and I am proud of the way I handled it, and kept my dignity intact. I urge you to do the same, work on yourself, and don't look to your ex for validation (which as already pointed out, is what you are doing, even if it is on a subconcious level). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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