A woman's road to full self-expression

[gingervixen]

Hello, everybody. I am 29 years old, I'm a woman, INTJ MBTI type and this idea of writing a journal and sharing my ideas with you really pleases me.

 

My journal will not be solely about online dating or even real life dating, but also about how I became the person I am today. I come from a very dark past when it comes to pessimism and low self esteem, and little by little I have learned to love and accept myself. I have improved 100%, but of course, there's always room for improvement. This journal is not only to show how much I've improved but to discuss something I always think about myself - am I emotionally unavailable?

 

Little physical background: I am considered beautiful by most people I know. I am tall, brunette, light brown eyes. Since I come from an Italian family I have Mediterranean features, I'd say. It's not that I like describing myself in websites, I'm doing this so that you can get to know me better. I wouldn't say I'm a Victoria's Secret bombshell, what I am saying is - many men flirt with me, many men find me beautiful and etc. But that's not the point here. I just want you to see the bigger picture.

 

I am EXTREMELY career oriented. Which means that, also because of my past and things that happened to me throughout life, I have realized the only thing that matters, after all, is myself and my well being. Don't take me as a selfish person, but what I mean is, I was getting tired of doing everything I could to please friends and guys and feeling miserable in the end. I decided that if I don't care about my well being, nobody else will. That's why I am so career oriented - I have to improve myself, be successful, do what I have to do. It's MY life, and not somebody else's , after all.

 

Being extremely career oriented, I admit sometimes I may intimidate men, especially at work. I am not the flirty smiley kind of girl at work, although I am polite, and love to joke, and yes I do smile, I tend to focus too much on my job to distract myself and flirt with guys at work. Perhaps I have that chronic face at work, to be honest. I'm not the competitive sociopath, no. I'm just the kind of person who is a perfectionist and who would never (never say never?) date a co worker. And yes, I have had many opportunities to do so - which I may tell you one day - but I just didn't want to. Moreover, I think it's better to be seen as the "strict but professional" girl at work than the "flirty with no credibility at all" babe. I'm not in a nightclub, I'm at work!

 

However, in my personal life, I am 100% girly. I like to pamper myself, dress nice clothes, be fashionable, wear make up, high heels, etc... I like poetry. I like literature. I like laughing about silly stuff. I love being single and being able to flirt with how many men I want - I am not even talking about having sex, I'm talking about that almost innocent look you give to that hot guy in a cafeteria. I like being able to do that. I like traveling - "like" is a huge understatement, traveling is my #1 passion in life - so being able to travel without having to hear any complaint from any partner is also a great advantage. I love spending time with my family. My family is and will always be my #1 priority.

 

I have been the #1 student in classroom when I was young. I used to be the nerd who would always get an A+. I used to be bullied and hated by my school buddies. Yes, I was persecuted and harassed from middle school to high school. All kids hated me because all teachers loved me. I was a very innocent girl at that time. I didn't want to join their naughty jokes, their cliques, the gossip. They thought I was a misfit. I thought I was a misfit. At the age of 14 I wasn't the kind of girl who wears make up and tries to look like a woman - I would put my hair on a ponytail, wear loose clothes and sneakers and study hard,hard,hard. I was the super shy, romantic girl who would write poems and read poetry. I fell in love with a boy in high school and wrote him anonymous love letters. I asked one of the school's employee to hand them to him. One of my "friends" found out the anonymous admirer was me, and told the boy everything. When he found out it was me, he literally laughed at my face. Yes. I was THIS loved when I was a teenager.

 

That being said, plus some health issues I had during my teenagehood and also an emotional breakdown when I was 20, I may say I was very strong to become the successful, good-looking girl I am today. I can say I am strong, confident, and love myself. I don't care about people's opinions anymore. I am a grown up and happy with my life.

 

But something is not quite right. I really have difficulty in finding love and falling in love. Giving in. Giving guys second chances, or even first chances. Perhaps, because I have been hurt so many times before in life, I have built myself my own armor. And now, I fear that I am emotional unavailable when it comes to men. I haven't been in a serious relationship for a while. I've tried to dissect every single reason why I would still be single - but what if in the end it's because I DON'T WANT TO FIND SOMEONE? What if, subconsciously, I want to remain single because I am happy this way? What if I don't want men or people around?

 

This journal tells my road to full self-expression and perhaps will help me realize if I am really emotional unavailable or not. I will tell you later about my dating history and etc. If you have any questions I will gladly reply. Thank you very much for your time.

[mhowe]

To love is to be vulnerable. Perhaps you equate being vulnerable with being weak and not being #1. An overcompensation for your competitive side?

[gingervixen]

To love is to be vulnerable. Perhaps you equate being vulnerable with being weak and not being #1. An overcompensation for your competitive side?

 

I think you're right about that. I won't say I think to love is to lose, no. One of my biggest dreams is to find the love of my life, Mr. Right, the One. But I gotta say that when I was dating some men, I would think "I cannot give in. I cannot lose this game".

 

Perhaps for my personality or unknown reasons I tend to attract and to be attracted to the player type. So I tend to think with this cat and mouse game mentality, which is a shame. I do not behave this way with every guy, though. I tend to be defensive to those who give off "womanizing" vibes - I don't do that to the nice guys.

 

But do I fear being hurt and overwhelmed by my own feelings? Do I fear rejection? You bet I do.

[mhowe]

Babe Ruth strick out more often than he hit home runs. He still got up to bat every time.

 

You can find Mr Right if you cannot be vulnerable. Mr. Right isn't a player or a game player.

[gingervixen]

Babe Ruth strick out more often than he hit home runs. He still got up to bat every time.

You can find Mr Right if you cannot be vulnerable. Mr. Right isn't a player or a game player.

 

So you're saying that I can be defensive and yet find the right person? Seriously, I am clueless about it.

[mhowe]

So you're saying that I can be defensive and yet find the right person? Seriously, I am clueless about it.

 

Sorry...that should have said you CANNOT.

In order to truly fall in love, you have to be open and vulnerable.

 

Players are attracted to a challenge. They are hit and run experts

 

Stable and mature men looking for a healthy relationship will be attracted to stable and mature women looking for the same thing. They will not scale the walls of your defenses.

[gingervixen]

Sorry...that should have said you CANNOT.

In order to truly fall in love, you have to be open and vulnerable.

 

Players are attracted to a challenge. They are hit and run experts

 

Stable and mature men looking for a healthy relationship will be attracted to stable and mature women looking for the same thing. They will not scale the walls of your defenses.

 

Oh, I understand.

 

I think you're totally right. Listen,I swear I am not here to play games, I hate games or dishonesty, but I know my defenses may seem like "game" to the nice guys. I know I may repel many of them. You're right. I am just now trying to lose my fear. It's been difficult. I think this is the final step I have to climb in order to be an emotionally available person.