irish88 Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 No I don't think its setting healing back at all Ms Darcy I must say. Maybe I should have said "if" and not when but usually exes get back in touch wheter for the right or wrong reasons.... The op has said that hasn't she that he got back in touch????? Only for her to be ignored... What im saying is when someone comes back the other person will be healed hopefully by then..... By then it's indifference. By the time exes come back is usually when the other person has gave up and moved forward with their lives. I know for me and many other people, something can only be missed when it's gone. Do not spend months waiting for someone, go out, live your life and date others if you wish.... If and when the op comes back it won't matter by then as you'll be living your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 What would it take for me to move on? Well, I can't say I'm holding onto him. I love him and want him back, sure, but I'm not holding out for him and I know he doesn't want me back. I date and try to meet others and have liked others, it's just never been reciprocated. They don't like me back. For me to move on, I will have to love someone else and have them love me back. Basically I have to fall in love with someone else. But you are right, there is something about this ex, out of all the other guys I have been in relationships with that keeps me drawn to him. Ironically enough, I created this name/account for another ex. I joined this site during that break up. I got over him finally and have moved on. The ex I am talking about in my post is my most recent, different ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish88 Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Brokenhearted I'll be honest. It was only the weekend that i started to miss my recent ex..... We split 2 months ago as he was an abusive arsehole. It happened when I was on a date lol. I was comparing the guys hands to my exes, his laugh, his smile etc. Before this, I didn't miss him. What im trying to say is this, without giving you false hope. I didn't realise I missed my ex untill i satrted dating again, by comparison. Maybe exes do the same? But I'd never take mine back due to pride. The best way I find to move on is go NC, don't look at their fbs (ive told my mates not to tell me anymore about who he's adding etc) Think back to your ex before your ex?? Bet you felt the same way then as you do now? Go nc, go on dates and be happy. You really have no other choice. I did think about laying the cards out for my ex but then my pride got the better of me. There are better more suitable people out there x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish88 Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 And also I firmly believe in the cat string theory. It's odd..... You dangle a string above a cat, it wants it. You drop the string it doesn't want it. This is what I find when exes come back, I pine for them they don't want me, I move on and they do? The only way is NC. This will either make them realise what they are missing, or (and) will also allow you to move on and heal..... Either way it's a win win 😊😊 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 What would it take for me to move on? Well, I can't say I'm holding onto him. I love him and want him back, sure, but I'm not holding out for him and I know he doesn't want me back. I date and try to meet others and have liked others, it's just never been reciprocated. They don't like me back. For me to move on, I will have to love someone else and have them love me back. Basically I have to fall in love with someone else. But you are right, there is something about this ex, out of all the other guys I have been in relationships with that keeps me drawn to him. I tend to think it can be a waste of your time dating when you want someone else back. It's like placeholder dating when your heart is elsewhere. If you weren't so hung up on him, a new guy might actually catch your eye. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 By the time exes come back is usually when the other person has gave up and moved forward with their lives. I know for me and many other people, something can only be missed when it's gone. I don't think there's any evidence supporting the premise that all exes come back. That's the point. I don't see how that helps her. Maybe it's just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish88 Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 I never said that everyone's exes come back begging for round 2. I also neve said that ALL exes come back. I was making a statement that they tend to come back when the op lets go...,.,, if you read about NC rule im sure you'll see its effective. If you read her initial thread.... He DID come back, albeit for the wrong reasons I.e to ignore her. My exes came back, and hers did too... Not always with good intentions. I never said that to give her false hope... As he did in his way come back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 Yeah I'm gonna have to reluctantly agree with you ms Darcy, I mean I don't intentionally compare and I truly want to let go and move on and find someone else. I have liked other guys and I completely forgot about my ex at that point, but these guys never wanted to make things serious. So I just end up missing my ex. A small part of me always hopes and loves him and I wish I didn't. I don't cry or feel sad or actively feel down. I live my life, I function, I dare etc, but I always remember him still. Maybe I just need more time, even though it's been a long time as is. It's like I said, he changed the game for me. Once you've had lasagna, who wants ramen haha. Yeah Irish I see what you're saying. Honestly I don't think he will ever come back. There was no pride with me...when we broke up, I humiliatingly had laid out my cards to him and asked him back. He told me he didn't miss me and didn't want me, rather bluntly but politely. So, I want to move on. Not so that he comes back to me, but just so I move on. I think what shocked me after this thread discussion is how selfish and rude people can be. Not you guys. But, Now that I think about it, my last two exes, we ended on fairly good terms. In the end, we broke up but we were civil and friendly and wanted each other to be happy and said so. We both felt bad about hurting one another and didn't want to. It was a grown up break up. But thinking back now, despite the maturity and kindness in the breakup, they both played games and did things to intentionally hurt me post break up. I guess I get it now after you guys told me why, but it's silly that a dumper intentionally tries to hurt you especially considering we ended on good terms. So egotistically selfish. Some people can sure suck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 I never said that everyone's exes come back begging for round 2. I also neve said that ALL exes come back. I was making a statement that they tend to come back when the op lets go...,.,, if you read about NC rule im sure you'll see its effective. If you read her initial thread.... He DID come back, albeit for the wrong reasons I.e to ignore her. My exes came back, and hers did too... Not always with good intentions. I never said that to give her false hope... As he did in his way come back. You are correct you didn't say "all" in this thread. Perhaps you and I see "come back" differently as that means to me trying to date again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish88 Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 I've had exes do that to broken-hearted. Degrading me and making me feel like crap pre and post BU. My last ex treated me like complete crap post BU...... It still hurts me very much when I think about it. It was cruel beyond belief. Don't feel humiliated that you put your cards on the table, we have all done things post BU in an emotional state.... Trust me on that. Please don't think I'm giving you false hope as that's not right. What I will say is this, no matter how needy desperate someone acted post BU im sure exes look back and remember the good times too. I remember (shamefully) screaming at one "ex" who was treating me like crap, I was so humiliated after..... And he tried to come back. Another, I cried and begged on the phone, he blocked me for 3 months..... Then came back. I have a saying that people forget what you say/did but never forget how you make them feel. So don't beat yourself up about it, we all act emotional when hurt, it makes us human 😊 You will move on from this. The best way is strict NC and working on you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish88 Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 No not at all. Exes come back in all forms and shapes. Wheter for friendship, round 2, an ego stroke, boredom..... Who knows. I've decided the only way id possibly take an ex back is if he beat my door down, with a dozen roses quoting Shakespeare..... But then again, there's more of a chance of me becoming the Pope ha ha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 What would it take for me to move on? Well, I can't say I'm holding onto him. I love him and want him back, sure, but I'm not holding out for him and I know he doesn't want me back. I date and try to meet others and have liked others, it's just never been reciprocated. They don't like me back. For me to move on, I will have to love someone else and have them love me back. Basically I have to fall in love with someone else. What if you never fell in love with someone else? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilygirl Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 It sounds to me that you are on the brink of turning the corner on this ex. The continued push/pull with him will eventually turn you off him completely. You are learning how selfish and rude he is and in time this crappy behaviour of his and the feelings it creates in you will erode the feelings of longing. I had an ex that did this and I took the bait over and over again, hoping each time it would be different, but it never was. And the last time he contacted me he was so lame and his lousy intentions were so transparent that I felt embarrassed for him. It stung at the time but in retrospect I am relieved it happened because the missing him and what we had is gone, gone, gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish88 Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Like lilygirl said she's right. Your realising now his selfish ways. Once you are done you are done and there is no going back x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish88 Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 My god ive just remembered something. About 10 years ago when I wa 18 i dated a guy when I lived in Ireland. Moved to england for uni and ended it with him. He took the ferry over on a night sail, showed up with flowers and came to my uni digs to get me back. I sent him back on the next ferry in the morning (a 9 hour journey) and he was crying 😔 The shame I felt when I saw him a year or so later. I tried to reach out to him to apologize later but he told me to F off. But now he's happily married with 2 kids, a lovely wife and home. Karma has a way of kicking our butts lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 If I never fall in love again? I don't know, I haven't thought about that entirely yet, sounds too depressing? I guess I just figure with enough time, I'll eventually move on. I'd like to believe time heals all, it's just a matter of when. No bad memory stays forever. Yeah I hope you are right lily, except everyone always tells me I'm single because I'm too nice? So I'm sure I'll always feel compassionate for him and look for the kindness in him, which I try to do with most people. I hate that heartbreak makes you cynical and stop looking for the kindness in people. But I feel relatively confident something will trigger for me to move on and forget him entirely. I'm hoping it's just a matter of what and when. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 If I never fall in love again? I don't know, I haven't thought about that entirely yet, sounds too depressing? I guess I just figure with enough time, I'll eventually move on. I'd like to believe time heals all, it's just a matter of when. No bad memory stays forever. Yeah I hope you are right lily, except everyone always tells me I'm single because I'm too nice? So I'm sure I'll always feel compassionate for him and look for the kindness in him, which I try to do with most people. I hate that heartbreak makes you cynical and stop looking for the kindness in people. But I feel relatively confident something will trigger for me to move on and forget him entirely. I'm hoping it's just a matter of what and when. Don't mean to depress you. Just wanted you to think of alternate ways to heal from wanting your ex back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilygirl Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 If I never fall in love again? I don't know, I haven't thought about that entirely yet, sounds too depressing? I guess I just figure with enough time, I'll eventually move on. I'd like to believe time heals all, it's just a matter of when. No bad memory stays forever. Yeah I hope you are right lily, except everyone always tells me I'm single because I'm too nice? So I'm sure I'll always feel compassionate for him and look for the kindness in him, which I try to do with most people. I hate that heartbreak makes you cynical and stop looking for the kindness in people. But I feel relatively confident something will trigger for me to move on and forget him entirely. I'm hoping it's just a matter of what and when. I was too nice to my last ex, but as I said in my last post, eventually I could not ignore the writing on the wall. It took me longer than I would have liked, but I learned again the valuable lesson about being "too nice" to those that do not deserve it. It became impossible to extend my kindness and compassion any further because he made it perfectly clear that his need for ego stroking and general nonsense was more important than being respectful to me and of the time we shared and I could no longer throw myself under the bus. This heartbreak does not have to make you cynical about everyone, or prevent you from seeing the kindness in others as you go forward. It feels like that now because your disappointed and hurt, but it will be better in time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 Yeah no of course ms Darcy, I'd like to believe one day I will get over him, it just may take more time than I hoped. I can't wait to get to that point. It's funny how we or at least me end up being most compassionate to the ones who deserve it least. I can't wait till he's off the pedestal for me. As always you guys are the best, I love my ena therapists. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Can't wait until he's off the pedestal? YOU put him there so go shove him off!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Can't wait until he's off the pedestal? YOU put him there so go shove him off!!!! Exactly!!! The guy's not that great! And I'm sure his feet stink just like everyone else's. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 Haha I'm trying! So it's like because I have no contact with him, he is idealized in my head as a fantasy. But when he contacted me recently and we were making small talk, he said something sooo lame, acted like such a try hard. I just laughed in my head and thought he was so pathetic and corny. So in a way being around him and seeing his lame selfish ways kinda helps negate the loving feelings I have for him. Like after the phase of super missing someone is over for me, sometimes contact helps because I can see how dumb and stupid they are and in my head I think to myself "what in the world was I thinking??" But that doesn't mean I'm gonna break no contact and be friends with him haha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irish88 Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Think of all the bad things he's said/done to you. Even write them down if you have to and get him off that pedestal girl x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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