You might be a serial killer

[saluk]

You would have to close your eyes... most of the sites remember for you who you have contacted!

[LoveSoDeep]

I hate sending generic messages like that. I've also heard that women are more likely to ignore those. But then that message I responded to 3 times now was pretty generic.

 

I would NEVER send 3 opening messages, but these were in response to someone who said they were interested in me. And my messages were not marked as read by okcupid, so I'm wondering if maybe she gets too many messages and lost track of them. Long shot I know.

 

A fairly generic message of "You seem interesting and I'd like to get to know you." Is fine. If they guy is really my type I'll respond. If not I won't respond it probably doesn't much matter what he wrote (if he's my type and wrote something dumb or offensive that's also a no go). The only time a well written message give a guy the edge is if he's not entirely my type and I'm on the fence about him. Think of it this way though the women you really want are the ones who are into you already...from your pics and profile - if you have to convince them with an amazing message then it probably wasn't meant to be.

 

Any man who messages me more than twice with no response no matter if I messaged him first or not, gets blocked. If you're willing to risk getting blocked go ahead and send away. I don't judge them as creepy or stalkers I just don't need the extra mail in my inbox.

[saluk]

Thanks for the input. I'm actually fine if they block me. It makes it clear. When they haven't even read my message or visited my profile I wonder if their inbox is just too full and there persistence may boost my chances.

 

I don't know if the goal here is to find someone who is already into me. I read a story a couple days ago, where the gal in the couple was not interested at first, but the guy persisted and kept trying and eventually she gave him a chance and found out she really liked him. They married. There are no rules here, only guidelines

 

I do need to change up my profile. Maybe I can get a picture of me at my new house soon and pop that in there? Too obvious?

[notalady]

A fairly generic message of "You seem interesting and I'd like to get to know you." Is fine. If they guy is really my type I'll respond. If not I won't respond it probably doesn't much matter what he wrote (if he's my type and wrote something dumb or offensive that's also a no go). The only time a well written message give a guy the edge is if he's not entirely my type and I'm on the fence about him. Think of it this way though the women you really want are the ones who are into you already...from your pics and profile - if you have to convince them with an amazing message then it probably wasn't meant to be.

 

I agree with this. For me personally, I don't mind getting short, generic messages like that as long as they are 1) polite and 2) with correct spelling and grammar. It doesn't need to be long or refer to something in my profile. I treat it similar to the first time I meet someone in person, they need to show that they have manners, that's the key for me. but in no way would I need to see an essay or even an interesting message. I decide if I'll respond based on their profile and photos. I've had guys send me nice messages and I didn't respond because they weren't my type / I didn't find them attractive, or there's something in their profile that I didn't like.

 

However I don't respond to "hi" or "hey sexy/beautiful/cutie", or anything that shows a lack of manners and respect and clearly sent out in bulk lol.. If they're too lazy to even say "Hi Notalady, my name is XYZ, nice to meet you", they're not for me.

 

I think you should put more effort into writing up a good profile and having good photos, those are key as they showcase who you are. The messages are just there to say "hey have a look at me", they may be deal breakers if done poorly, but definitely not the deal makers. So I'd just keep them short and polite, if there's something in their profile to comment on, great, if not, thats ok too.

[saluk]

It's nice to hear that at least some women do not mind a simple opening, but you are just two people, and everyone has a different process with OLD. I've seen many many profiles where the women spelled out explicitly how they want to be contacted. "Say something funny" "Don't send a generic message please" "Make it clear that you have actually read my profile, or your message will be deleted".

 

I will try to experiment though and be a little more willing to send something more generic when nothing springs to mind.

 

I've went through and cleared out old unanswered messages in my outbox, hiding profiles as I go. Looking at some of them... yeah my tendency is definitely to write too much rather than too little. I already knew that was a problem, who wants to answer a paragraph? But then, some of the dates I've mentioned in here started that way. Maybe my other half also likes to write paragraphs back and forth, you know? Anyway, I will keep it to one or two sentences from now on for now.

 

Edit: Maybe one sentence. You can all see how long my sentences can be

[saluk]

11 messages, 0 responses.

[saluk]

So I got a response from a few of the messages I sent this weekend. It was a negative one. I said something like "Your profile resonated with me" and she said something like "Yours did not do the same". It was pretty harsh. Rejection does in fact feel a bit worse than a non-response - it is only in the aggregate of having to work so hard to even get a response that non-responses are worse. Still, it was a useful signal to receive, as much as it hurt (and kind of still hurts). I looked at my profile again, having not read through it for about a year and a half when I had last updated my profile. Looking through the lens of that rejection, it was clearly not good. There were far too many obvious negatives listed that shouldn't be there, and the tone really didn't feel authentic to who I am anyway. I deleted every paragraph that I didn't want to keep, which ended up being most of it. I am not going to put anything back in until I have something I feel good about, that not only represents the real me, but also helps me stand out from the crowd. I figure no information is probably better than information that rubs someone the wrong way.

 

It is pretty dumb though that someone won't even try having a conversation with someone just because they didn't feel a "connection" from someone's profile. I don't know if there were any specific things she looked for that wasn't there, or turn offs that she was hoping wouldn't be there that were. But from my side, since it takes so much work to get a response at all, I do in fact send messages to people whose profiles DON'T resonate with me. Such as with V, who I really just messaged because I had a cute story about someone with her name. A lot of the connections I've had from the site have not been from profiles that blew me away. Of course, they haven't amounted to much yet, but the ways we have failed to connect wouldn't have been obvious judging from the profile alone. I wish people would be more likely to give me a chance through chat - at least - even if the profile doesn't send shivers down their spine!

 

In essence... first impressions count for a lot more than they should - and I think in most cases are a pretty poor indicator of long term viability of a prospective suitor.

 

It's kind of like how I don't think the election process is really a great way to determine whether someone will be a good president. What you have to learn to do well during the process doesn't actually translate into doing well on the job. I feel the same about dating in general. Not just online dating, though some of the problems are probably a bit easier to spot there.

 

Ramble ramble ramble. Valentines day went OK. E was at church but her husband wasn't which may have helped a bit. I was able to keep remembering that I don't want her the whole time, and was generally happy. I had fun talking to my friends. But we randomly ran into each other at the gas station afterward and she wouldn't look at me, and left pretty quick. I know she knew I was there, because her sister in the passenger seat was making faces at me. OK, I don't really mind that we can't be together. I don't really mind that we can't be friends. But I do still mind that she acts like I don't exist. It's just... weird. I really don't get it. Anyone have any idea why she acts like she hates my guts? What did my guts ever do to her? Is she really still sore that I was the first guy whose heart she had to break? Even now that she's found happiness? It should not be an issue.

 

But I enjoyed the rest of the day. Went to deadpool with some friends. It was really fun!

 

Yesterday though, I had a day off from work, and felt very alone. It comes in waves. Still working on the house buying process, and hoping that it gives me something to look forward to. There were some issues that came up in inspection and I'm waiting to hear back from the seller on my proposals (which is essentially, fix this crap on your dime before I move in, because they were all issues with how you remodeled things trying to make the house look more attractive than it was originally). Hopefully that goes OK!

[saluk]

I guess I will keep online dating. Found a great profile today:

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]10997[/ATTACH]

 

I think this might be the one.

[saluk]

I've decided to set up some rules for myself, just so I don't go crazy with all of the rejection. Some people have to find ways of dealing with all of their messages coming in. Well, I have to deal with the psychological toll of a high number of sent messages that are often not even opened by their intended recipient. Maybe if I come up with a strategy I won't take it so to heart. Here are some of the rules I will be following, to be adjusted later if necessary:

 

Unreads:

* All unread messages older than 90 days are deleted and the profile hidden

* Unread messages with a site visit older than the message I will ignore until they are 90 days old or something changes

* Unread messages with a site visit more recent than the message will receive one follow-up

 

Reads:

* Read messages with no response older than one week are deleted and the profile hidden

* If they are less than a week old I will ignore them for now

 

Convos:

* Move to the phone after one message if she does not seem shy

* Move to the phone after 3 messages if she does

* If she resists phone but caries on a conversation, I will consider her a pen pal who I will never meet, and keep chatting as long as I feel so inclined

 

I may write a tool that automates some of this What do you guys think?

 

 

I did receive one reply this week. I don't know why, but I feel like it's not going to go anywhere. She's responded twice though so it's almost a conversation. I'll take it as a positive. I will give her a codename if we get to the phone stage

[notalady]

Pretty good rules haha... Although I will add that, unless talking on the phone is a pre-requisite for you, you should suggest meeting if she doesn't want to talk on the phone. If she refuse that too, then you can apply the "pen pal" rule.

 

I know some people like to suss things out on the phone before meeting, but I never liked that and never did. It worked out just fine for me, only 1 guy out of all those I met (probably more than 50 but I never kept count) turned out to be not what I expected. Of course I kept my first meets at busy, public places for safety reasons. I just really don't like talking on the phone unless it's with someone I'm pretty familiar with, even more awkward when it's someone you've never met and just trying to do small talk and stuff. So if someone from OLD site suggest we talk on the phone first, I may reluctantly agree, or I may counter with "I rather get to know you in person". Others may not counter offer though, so it may be worthwhile asking, after all meeting in person would be your preference, no?

[saluk]

I guess by phone what I really mean is any communication off-site

 

Still... I am like you and kind of don't like talking on the phone, especially with strangers. But I so enjoyed my last experience with that with V and found it superior to sussing each other out with messages. Sometimes I really would like to suss each other out a bit before making a meeting happen, often we have busy schedules and can't meet soon enough; or it's a long way to drive and I don't want to waste the gas on a complete unknown.

 

So, I have put the age old phone call back in my quiver as an option, where I used to never even consider it.

 

There is a question on okcupid like "how soon would you be willing to meet?" so maybe I'll use it as a guide as to what approach is best. I have certainly had many cases where I asked to meet too soon; though I suppose it didn't scare most of them away and they said what they would like.

 

I can't pull 50 ladies (!!!) so it's pretty tough. Makes each encounter feel critical. One response per month (if that) is really tough to work with! I know I need to find a way to widen responses but until then my focus is keeping leads as long as I can.

[notalady]

If you want help tweaking your profile, you can post it here or PM, might help improve your response rate?

[notalady]

Just a note on your previous post about someone rejecting you for your profile, you said there are way too many negatives in there and it hasn't been updated for more than a year. I think it's important that even if your profile isn't impressive, or interesting, it needs to be at least authentic and down to earth, one that doesn't leave a negative impression, which seems like it does at the moment. Profile and picture are all people have to rely on when it comes to online dating, if these women dont have some kind of filtering system based on profile, they'd be wasting a lot of time talking to people and get burnt out. You may be great but how do people distinguish you from the not so great ones? Would you suggest they respond to every single message they get? If not then how do they pick and choose if not based on profiles?

 

Having a well written and authentic profile pays off, I spent a decent amount of time rewriting mine when I got back into online dating after my previous relationship, and tweaked it once in a while to improve things.

 

Before the rewriting, I used to get lots of messages from guys just looking for casual or just messaging everyone (ie guys I have no interest in), while guys I was interested in weren't messaging me or responding. so I thought about what kind of qualities am I looking for in a man and what men with these qualities would like to see in a woman's profile, that is, what I have to demonstrate about myself that inspires the type of guys I am looking for to message me. After tweaking my profile, I saw great results, got really good response rate / initial messages from high quality guys (including my current boyfriend that I met on OKC). I also had people who weren't interested in pursuing anything write to me just to say you have a great profile, best of luck!

 

I think it will really help if you put more effort into your profile.

[saluk]

Agreed! I am going to leave it mostly blank for now (when I saw it and wasn't really happy with it I deleted everything I didn't like) and when I can really focus on it do a refresh. I'm also thinking of getting a professional headshot or at least have a friend take some better photos. I really like most of the photos I have and I think they represent me well and are authentic, but I don't have one really good one that sells me. I'm beginning to realize OLD is about marketing, and though marketing is in some ways detestable to me, it's how it works. Maybe I will learn some skills in this process that will help me in the future if I start a business

[notalady]

I personally don't like to see really posed photos like selfies and prefer to see real life photos, you can definitely get your friends to take better photos for you

[saluk]

I have good real life photos but nothing in high quality. Between the lighting and whatever state my hair was in on that day, I can't seem to naturally wind up in a good picture.

[saluk]

I'm moving on the house this week, so no real push to broadcast myself on the interwebs in the hopes that some perfect lady happens to be tuning in this evening. I've done some perusing of profiles, but didn't find any that I really care to message. I did get another rejection response. This one from someone who had previously contacted me (in November) and then went silent. About a week ago I followed up, and she sent a polite rejection. I wish I could have that kind of feedback more often. I get that the environment I'm in makes that unlikely. Women are for the most part choosing the messages to respond to rather than the ones to reject; and "no thanks" messages are hard to write, and likely to provoke a negative response from a guy. I just wish it weren't this way.

 

But I still appreciate the time she took to send it.

 

Unfortunately it didn't give me any real guidelines as to what I'm doing wrong. I already know my profile is messed up at the moment (C+ pictures at best, missing most fields since I deleted a bunch of stuff). I'm kind of inclined to leave it messed up for a while so that I can say the rejections or unresponsives are because I'm not trying hard enough. What a pattern for me! That's what I always do. Classic millenial - we all were sold that we were special and great things would happen if we just put our minds to it, so we tried really hard at the beginning, and found out that sometimes you try hard and still don't succeed. So it's very easy to stop trying so hard. At least then your failure fits into the narrative.

 

I'm trying to resist this, but it's hard. If I make too much of an effort, I'm still playing into perfectionism and continuing to think everything is about me! But, I will take a stab at updating my profile after I have moved into my new place.

[reinventmyself]

don't know if this interests you at all . .but others have reached out to ENA contributors and asked to access and review their profile for some objective feedback.

 

Just a thought.

[saluk]

Putting myself out there and getting torn down by anonymous strangers? I don't think I can handle that.

 

...

 

Oh wait

 

Yeah, maybe I'll post something when I get a chance to write it up!

 

I have not been paying attention to online dating for a while, though I have been opening tabs of potential matches and kind of keeping them around. I have a binder full of women! (I miss when that was the sexist comment made by a candidate that everyone was complaining about) I'm feeling hopeful again. I think it's helpful for me to have these spaces where I don't push too hard and make myself anxious.

 

So I've been trying to buy a house for the last month. It will be a huge change in my life coming from a small studio with no real functional kitchen. There have of course been some snags along the way, including the septic system which I didn't find out about until days before closing. It's pushing that back as we renegotiate. I'm pretty happy with where things will end off, giving me an opportunity to build equity for the next 5 or 10 years that I intend to be living there. It's been hard to even think about dating or even my job while this has been going on though.

 

I did make it to a very fun meetup last night (virtual reality for the win) to take my mind off of things, and it worked. Of course now I can't stop thinking about the Vive that I got to try there, and the VR room I'm going to have to set up when I move into my new house. Should I put some pictures on OKC of me strapped into a nerdy headset? There was a pretty good representation of people there actually - including females. I'm in the right place. I'm looking forward to the next one and perhaps networking a bit more and getting to know people in that community a bit better. It was a bit crowded for an introvert like myself to fully get his bearings.

 

I think once I feel more settled with my housing situation I wont be as intimidated by dating and it will go easier. We can only hope.

[reinventmyself]

Putting myself out there and getting torn down by anonymous strangers? I don't think I can handle that.

 

...

 

.

Good point. . but others have dared to do so and I think people here were really kind and gave great feedback.

Especially those of us who tend to cruise around here in journals.

 

You can pm one or two you trust, you know . .just sayin' I won't bring it up again

 

Congrats on the house! Wise move. Enjoy

[saluk]

Not sure if you got that I was being sarcastic Putting myself out there to be torn down by strangers is called dating.

[saluk]

E invited me to her "wedding". (If you may recall, they already eloped. a lot of people who are closer to her than me feel weird about going because of that, but who am I to judge) I'm quite taken aback. She avoids me like the plague at church. Weird time to try and hand out an olive branch. It's really strange that she would even want me there. A part of me thinks she doesn't in fact want me there, and just invited me for some kind of show or something. I don't know. It's bizarre. I would understand if it actually seemed like she wanted to be friends with me - but in 3 years trying to be friends with her, which she said with her mouth was what she wanted, while she acted like she just couldn't handle being around me. I think we could have been friends, and I could have moved on, if things hadn't remained so weird between us.

 

Yeah, invite the guy who you can't ever act normal around to your wedding. Great idea. Not going. Probably. Definitely. Probably. I know what enotalone would say

 

In other news, I'm finally signing for the house tomorrow. This comes on the wake of a car accident and layoffs at work. Bad news comes in three's am I right? So I'm not sure how I feel about signing. I feel like my life is really unstable again, all of a sudden. I think if I move forward on the house I'll get some stability back, but the process of getting there has been so shaky.

 

All of this is why my online dating is currently paused, more or less. But maybe I should try to do it when things don't feel stable. When does life ever slow down you know? Maybe it's actually the perfect time, because I'll actually have things to talk about.

 

Besides American politics. Ugh I don't love any of the candidates but all of the less annoying candidates are losing to the more annoying ones.

[saluk]

So E's wedding is over - I stayed home and worked on the house, but I felt kind of bad for her. Because of work things and sickness, no one in my family made it. And through the grapevine I guess it was pretty rushed and not a very good one. But I guess that's what happens when you try to rush a wedding like that! There's something to be said for taking the time to plan things out.

 

I have moved into my new house and lived there for a week! It's quite the adjustment, from a little studio in the city to a 3 bedroom house in the suburbs. Part of me wonders why I made this move at all, but I think it will be good for me. It's so quiet here I think it will force me to actually leave the house and find things to do and people to see. I can do hermiting pretty well, and the feeling of being so close to the action in the city in my apartment made it easy to just sit still and hope things would happen.

 

I still have a lot of furniture to get, and getting used to the new commute, oh and my apartment still has a ton of stuff I haven't moved yet. I need to have a moving day sometime soon - I'm thinking this weekend might be a good one.

 

I've been away from OKC, but have been browsing it again in the last few days. Things are finally settling down with the house. There is still a lot to do, but most of it doesn't have the stressful deadlines that the buying process had. I'm still not really ready to jump back into the dating pool. I think it's best to be honest with myself and not jump in until I can really devote some energy to it. I've downloaded a few other dating apps to try out though. Bumble, and Once. Who knows if anything will happen there.

 

My last remaining "pen pal" on OKC has gotten a bit weird too. Every time I suggest meeting up she says something like "Oh we don't have to meet if you don't want to". Nice dodge there We've had some good conversations, but I think this might be the end of that.

 

I'm not a FWB kind of person, so these conversations that lead no where are like that. Conversation without real Friendship Sex without Romance?

[LoveSoDeep]

Maybe now that you're out in the burbs you'll see a change in the women you see on these apps...did you wonder if that might happen when you chose the location for your new home?

[reinventmyself]

Congrats on the new house!!