You might be a serial killer

[saluk]

I'm starting my online dating journal. With luck, it will be very short

 

The title of this thread: I would say maybe 1 out of every 3 or 4 of my chat conversations before meeting up with someone from the web in real life will reference serial killers. "I hope you aren't a serial killer!" or "I'm not a serial killer, I promise"

 

It's never not awkward. Sometimes it's me, sometimes it's her.

 

A little backstory

Came to ENA after my first girlfriend (E) left me. She was 9 years younger than me, and was a longtime family friend. Though we had grown up together, we had never been romantic. Probably because for most of that time it would have been illegal When she was 19 she moved next door to me and began a friendship that quickly turned into a romance. Too quickly, we thought we were very in love, and talking seriously about marriage just 3 or 4 months later. I bought a ring, which I immediately returned as I decided that we weren't quite there yet. We had so much fun together, and made our faces hurt from too much laughter, but I was a little worried about depth. No matter, we would have the rest of our lives to build depth, right? We were each others first love. She dumped me a couple days after regailing me with all of the ways she loved me and dreaming of forever.

 

It all sounds so quaint and silly from here, 4 years later!

 

ENA tried to help me follow the no contact rule, but I continued to be on again off again friends with her. Mostly off. Though there were hard times, I do treasure some of the moments we spent as friends. And as we continued to go to the same church we grew up in, and dated at, strict no contact was always a hard prospect for me to consider. But yeah. Many weird times together. From being in the wedding party at my sisters wedding, to 3 weeks ago finding out that she eloped with the guy I had 3 more months to get used to the idea she was going to marry. I tracked my progress in finally focusing on and succeeding (I hope!) in letting her go in the No contact challenge thread.

 

My online dating story starts in the next entry...

[saluk]

Enough backstory already! This journal ain't about E. Here's the notable OLD attempts to bring us to the present:

 

Immediately after the breakup with E, I started poking around at OKCupid and POF. I already had an account on both but had never seriously used them. I was really interested in OKC, as I work in tech and from a tech perspective it was both one of the best laid out sides, as well as having some of the most interesting algorithms. The reports that they made on their blog for a while were quite fascinating. You will see me from time to time defend them in these threads I don't work for them, I promise. I would have loved to work for them before they were bought by match.

 

My first two matchups were T and R. T and I shared many interests. I didn't know what I wanted in a woman (still don't) but in general, I was looking for friendship++ (still am). Her profile matched some things quite well, and she had never been in a relationship. I was quite intimidated at the time post ego-crush of being dumped, so thought that was a plus. Started messaging about our shared interests (gaming), but not really sure about going any further. I didn't know what I wanted or what I was doing.

 

R started chatting with ME. I think she is the only person who has ever started a conversation with me on OKC which has resulted in an actual date. No one I'm ever interested in messages me first. She started talking to me about politics because she saw she shared mine. Liberal evangelical Christians - we are kind of like unicorns. Anyway, it turned out she was leaving on vacation for a couple months. I told her to look me up when she got back.

 

I had kind of abandoned T by then, but decided to go back and see if she was still interested. She invited me to the arcade and I had my first date! This was pretty much my first blind date in my life. It was not bad at all. We clicked on a lot of things, and had a good time. She said a couple things that kind of put me off, maybe it was the way she said it, I don't remember. The next day she texted me she had a great time and couldn't wait to see me again. Way to eager, and I had no idea what I was feeling. As OK as the date was, there wasn't anything close to a connection forming. I didn't realize how closed off I was at the time. Anyway, I let it hang for a few days. I was terrible. And then I told her I was still too wrapped up in my ex and couldn't date. She said she understood because she had recently had a falling out with a best friend. I was like, seriously? I was dumped by the love of my life and you think you can relate because you broke up with some friend?

 

I'm glad I didn't say that out loud I was a broken man.

 

So when R came back home and I was still lonely and she wanted to start things up again, I thought why not. Let's see where this goes!

 

(More to come, I'm getting tired tonight)

[saluk]

So I ended up going on 2 dates with R. One more than with T, progress right? Thing is, we didn't really click at all from my perspective. She was just leading enough that I was able to go along with it. I have to say, it was kind of nice to randomly bump into someone like that pretty close to right out of the gate in my OLD career. She was nice enough, but we didn't have a whole lot to talk about. We texted quite a bit in between dates too. Looking back I think I wish I gave it at least a little bit of a chance. But I was pretty green. Also, distracted by E and one or another of our little near-miss encounters that made me think us getting back together, while a long shot, may be in the far future. (You'll see me fail OLD a few more times because of this lol) Well, during one of the texting sessions with R, she asked me a question I didn't really feel like answering right then. So I didn't respond.

 

And that was the end of R. I never responded to her last text, and she never asked me why.

 

So that was my first year. I think I sent 2 or 3 messages to people and either got shot down or no response. I took these rejections and silent treatments fairly hard. My opening messages were all pretty bad. I would write paragraphs about how well I thought we would fit together and the reasons why. One of my messages was so all over the place, the girl sent back "I'm sorry, I'm looking for a guy who knows what he is looking for".

 

The next year, I hit a big dating dry spell. I tried to date some girls I met in real life. One of them, K, was my sensei in a community beginning Japanese class. I was working up the courage to ask her. We had fun together at some of the class parties and things. There were some signs of interest from her as well. But I really had no game. I never have. Anyway, I learned that she was moving to China after the course ended to teach Japanese to Chinese students. So even though I had about a month I didn't want to start anything. We have talked on facebook 2 or 3 times a year since then, but it gets harder and harder to talk. She is forgetting her english. And I am forgetting my Japanese. But if she ever ends up in my city again (or if I travel to Japan!) I might try to get in touch again.

 

Another girl I tried to date, was really into me, but also going through a rough time in her life. We chatted for a week, I ended up saying too much about E and how I was glad that she was going to help me get over her She blocked me on facebook before our date. I've bumped into her a few times since then, and it's pretty cold. I actually really liked her, if I hadn't ruined it.... I'm sure she would have found another reason to get mad at me and block me. Still, it taught me to really be careful what you say.

 

I'm still blocked on facebook. Sometimes our mutual friends will post something and facebook says "3 likes", but when you click the likes it only shows two people. Or I will see someone reply to a comment that I can't see. LOL.

 

I was still trying to be friends with E, but I crossed some lines and she told me off.

 

Oh and I think during this year I stayed on the dating sites messaging people and updating my profile and stuff. But none of those conversations led to anything.

 

Onto year 3.

[reinventmyself]

Saluk,

I thought you had a date recently, no?

[saluk]

I did I'm trying to catch up lol. Maybe I should have just started with the now, but now I'm in the middle and want to keep going. It should only be one more "history" post I think. There were some more key learnings as I ramped up online dating a bit more in the last 2 years. And yes I have a date this week, hopefully I catch up the journal before then!

[reinventmyself]

I did I'm trying to catch up lol. Maybe I should have just started with the now, but now I'm in the middle and want to keep going. It should only be one more "history" post I think. There were some more key learnings as I ramped up online dating a bit more in the last 2 years. And yes I have a date this week, hopefully I catch up the journal before then!

 

OK. . I'll be patient

 

(great journal title bytheway)

[saluk]

OK. . I'll be patient

 

(great journal title bytheway)

 

Haha thanks!

 

I'm getting a bit weary recounting the memories at this point anyway, so I'll be really quick.

 

The next year (This was 2014 I think) I had two dates. I would say I put a bit more effort into online dating than I had the year before, where I really didn't think I was ready. Despite the extra effort, I still only ended up with 2 dates! At least as far as I remember. Well, the first one put me off a little bit. I had a thread about her here. It was yet another case where someone winked at me, (POF in this case) and I said why the heck not, and asked her out. We didn't chat much before hand. I remember the date being meh, the girl not being my type, and that I turned her down later when she texted for another date.

 

I was rereading my thread in surprise. Apparently I started a thread because of how hard it was for me to turn her down, how I waited for days before I could answer her back in indecision, and that after I did so I freaked out and tried to text her back to CHANGE MY MIND. ENA talked me down. Feeling lukewarm is a valid reason not to see someone again. I do not remember these emotions happening to me. Just goes to show how crazy emotions can sometimes be in the moment!

 

Second date was sometime after that. I didn't want to feel those things again for a while! This time, I pursued. I think this is the point at which I really started to pursue. I switched from writing one message to someone, waiting for the rejection, and then messaging someone else; to messaging many women at once. I got some activity within about a week of that. We had a lot in common, and set up a date. She knew a place she wanted to take me, and we spent an hour or two there. I thought we had built up some camaraderie, and we had some surprising shared history which was really interesting. But when I texted her after the date, she was pretty short. I brought up a seeming inside joke we had shared on the date, and it was like she had forgotten it. Texting with her she would usually take a long time to reply, for each message you sent. So there was no way to have any kind of rhythm. Though I still wanted to go on a second date, it didn't happen. We could never coordinate our schedules for some reason.

 

It made me kind of upset. I determined once and for all that I was going to make a bit more effort to get to 2nd date the next time around.

[saluk]

Talk about dry spells!

 

So this brings me up to last year. The number of dates I've been on are still way too low to actually learn anything. I am getting something out of the messaging process, but dates man, dates.

 

I met S early in the year and we ended up going on 2 dates. I was very surprised at how well we connected, first over OKC messages, then over text, and finally on date #1. Her viewpoints on religion were a little different than mine, and we spent a good portion of date 1 talking about the differences in our church. Talking to her I had that same connection feeling, but something just seemed off. We were practically finishing each others sentences. That should be good right?

 

I set up a second date and it goes just as "well" as the first one. We went for a walk, the weather wasn't too bad, and tried to find some common ground. So we're finishing each others sentences alright, but she doesn't like any of the things I like, and I don't like any of the things she does. I came to the conclusion that we weren't a good match. I politely let her down. On april fools day. She thought I was joking. *smacks head* But she agreed with my reasoning actually. And I guess you can't tell on text, but I don't think she was hurt.

 

I was thinking about her for the next week and why it didn't work out. And she provided some real insight into what I'm looking for. Our thought patterns were so similar that we were finishing each others thought. It turns out, while in movies this is seen as a good thing, in reality it's really boring! Half the time I felt like I was talking to myself. I can talk to myself without a partner thank you. And besides, I don't always like myself that much. I definitely don't want to marry myself!

 

And then to couple that with a complete lack of shared interests just made it even worse. So we say the same things, but don't actually have anything to talk about. You really have to have some shared ground, at least at the beginning before you create some shared ground of your own.

 

But this line of reasoning made me relapse a bit with E. Because it provided me with an explanation of why I liked that relationship so much. And it made me want it again. I know I hadn't been doing much dating, but I was doing enough to know that finding something like I had with E was going to be a lot harder than I had thought it would. And now I had PROOF that what we had was actually pretty close to what I'm looking for. I mean except for the whole, "actually I never really loved you" thing

 

Still, at least I had a measuring stick now. My unicorn is: She sees the world from a slightly askew perspective - but not the same slightly askew perspective at which I see the world. And we share many, but not all interests. S was the opposite - similar viewpoints and personalities, and nothing shared.

[saluk]

After some more time cooling off (hmm, a theme emerges!) I sent another flurry of messages and started going out with M.

 

M was a teacher, which I think is one of the most noble professions. We ended up having dinner. It was pretty awkward, with a lot of pauses in the conversation. I think she was hoping I would lead it, and I was hoping she would. But something very interesting came out of that conversation.... She spent quite a bit of time talking about her sister. As she brought up little details, it started sounding particularly familiar to me. She mentioned how her sister had decorated her walls with the characters from a particular game, and it clicked. I wondered if her sister was T, the first girl I dated when I began online dating. I asked to see a picture, and yup, there she was. The girl who I had went on one decent date with, the girl who had been my first rejection. (The first time I rejected someone in my life in fact). I probably shouldn't have mentioned that I knew her sister. But there it was, I couldn't hide it after that.

 

Still, we barreled forward. She didn't seem as phased as I had expected, though it was hard to tell. Talking to her was always a little bit awkward, none of the pauses were comfortable ones. She had been in a pretty severe violent accident fairly recently to this, and I think it had affected her.

 

I went on quite a few dates with her, but never felt a connection grow. She made a political comment during a movie that I didn't like. It's a pretty flimsy excuse to end things, as I am not actually that political. But being perched precariously as I was between continuing to see where it could go and moving on, any tiny negative thing could sway me. Of course, I didn't actually end things with M. A week after our last date, I texted her during a concert, but just jokey stuff, talking about what I was doing. She texted me what she was doing. And I didn't ask her out again. I think she deserved better at that point.

 

But who knows how into me she really was. So I rejected both sisters. T and M. What they must think of me when they talk!

[saluk]

I went on one more date. Just one. I'm very introverted, and meeting people just takes so much energy. I have to really push myself each time. Especially when the matches in retrospect have not been very good ones.

 

I met K on POF. I have to say just from anecdotal evidence, OKC has far better women (let me clarify, better matches for me) in my area than POF. We were chatting for about a week, and I made her laugh. She liked going to conventions, which is something I've been interested in doing at some point. OK, so we planned to meet and have brunch, and were getting excited about it. She lived pretty far away, so we picked a spot in between. The night before the meet, she texts me a picture of her in costume. It turns out that she was in town near me at a dance, and she wanted me to come meet her there. Impulsive. Really not my thing. But I thought, what the heck? I didn't have time to get a costume ready, but I just popped on over to the event. She was there with a friend. The whole time, I felt not only more attracted to the friend, but I wasn't forming any connection to K whatsoever. When I finally went home, I overwhelmingly did not want to see her again.

 

Only thing, our date was scheduled for the next day

 

She called me in the morning and said we should "reschedule". I agreed. I texted her a week later to see how she was doing. She was sick. I said let me know when you are well if you want to hang out again. She never did.

 

The system works people!

 

The next entry will start the current diary proper

[notalady]

I like your journal title Saluk, made me chuckle. It's one of those OLD jokes that is no longer funny but people seem to like to say it, that and "Anyone asks, we met at Starbucks " or similar lol...

 

Good luck online dating, I think it totally works if you approach it the right way and with the right mindset, I met my current boyfriend on OKC (been dating almost 7 months now and going strong!) and also one of my ex's that lasted 2.5 years. I'll be following your journal!

[saluk]

Thanks @notalady! Yeah these jokes were old before they started. And I can't help but be a little weird every time someone acts afraid of me, even jokingly. Even knowing that in this world you gotta protect yourself.

 

History over, Modern journal begins

 

So late last year, I was pretty burnt out again. It's surprising how few less than stellar experiences it takes to burn out. I started just trying to enjoy the process rather than focus on getting dates. I had several pen pals who I chatted with for a few months. I thought maybe we would eventually meet up, or something could develop from there, but it didn't really happen. Still, it was fun to chat about online dating with the other people actually doing it in my area. One of the people I was talking to was very disgusted by the way guys treat women on there. It showed me what I am up against.

 

I continued to message a few people every couple days. Some responses, but nothing much. And most of the time you have to wait for a day or two to even see if you got a response. I also spent some time just mass favoriting/visiting profiles. I think over 2 weeks I visited like 200 profiles at least. I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel in my immediate location/match parameters.

 

One day, on a whim, I came across a profile which had no biography information at all. We had a high match percentage, but she didn't list anything about her. She looked cute, and was at the lower end of my age range. I'm a little leery of that age gap (9 years) being that E turned out to be so immature, but I don't want to be too blinded by that experience either. My usual approach is to read the profile, find something in common, and then start a conversation that way. Without a profile, I have nothing to go on. Now, all of these things would normally lead me to next a profile like this very quickly. However, I noticed her username and had an anecdote about the name (we will call her V), and thought what the heck. I had been sending a lot of messages that day so it came easier than usual.

 

To my surprise, 3 minutes later she messaged me back saying she liked the anecdote, and wanted to have my phone number so we could text off the site. Not wanting to lose the momentum, I did so, and we began texting. And we had that thing. For me it's like... I ask a question. In my mind I have like 4 or 5 things I expect her to say. She says something that wasn't on the list, and it either makes me laugh or think. And then when she says something, what I say in response surprises her as well. Sher seemed actually present. Usually when texting with a stranger there is distance, but it was like we were just catching up with each other after a long absence, though we were strangers. It's an experience I haven't felt in some time. And probably never after just texting with someone. Everything she said made me want to know more. We joked about how she is most at home in the woods and I am most at home in the city. So there are differences, but it seems at least for now we are more interested in them than apprehensive. I told her I would call her that night.

 

I went to help my sister who was going on vacation. Now, she was going with E - and I did actually cross paths with E that night. But I felt really good around her. I was charming in a group-directed way, and I actually didn't feel any attraction anymore. Whatever I have been doing the past couple weeks to get over the news that had kind of shocked me had worked.

 

I mention that little interlude because, clearly, there is a chance that I turn to online dating when I feel crappy about E, and that I still haven't actually processed all of that, and that the feeling of strong connection I had with V was related in some way. I really don't think so. Though they came at roughly the same time, I think the two things are independent. You be the judge

 

That night I tried to call V, but got the answering machine. A singing answering machine. I want to know more But she texted me a few minutes later that she was dealing with some stuff with her family. Put that in the con category. But everyone has a life and there will be ups and downs. The key thing is how they have overcome the obstacles, not whether or not they face them. But we rescheduled the call for the next day.

 

I really don't like talking on the phone, especially with strangers, but I had a great time talking with V! We were laughing at each others jokes, as well as getting into some more serious stuff about where we are at in life. I am established in my career, but kind of bored of it, and she is a student in transition. We can both relate pretty well. We talked for an hour and a half, and it was great. I felt a little swept up, and ever since have been having a hard time keeping my emotions in check. I know that just because you feel butterflies doesn't actually mean anything. And heck, I haven't even met her yet.

 

But I haven't felt butterfly's like this since E. And it's from someone I only knew 2 days. Someone without a profile. It kind of blows my mind. It also answers a really important pressing question I have had since I split up with E:

 

Did I feel the level of comfort and interest for E because of our shared history prior to dating, or was that something that came on when we started dating because of our high compatibility? In other words, when i am dating someone new, who I had not known for 10 years previous, is it reasonable to expect to have a similar level of excitement?

 

Now I can answer that it actually is possible for me to get excited about someone I'm actually compatible with and interested in. Even if I've only heard her voice and we just met. This is a very important thing to know if I continue with online dating.

[saluk]

I followed up the amazing phone call with V the next day by texting her and asking her out. She joked about needing to be convinced. I'm definitely sensing interest from her. After playing around, she agreed to the date. But because "you might be a serial killer" she requested if she could bring her friend along. Not cool! My last situation where I met someone with their friend definitely didn't turn out well. So I'm kind of afraid of the same thing happening. I agreed to it, because it didn't really feel like the right time to argue that point. It's definitely intimidating for me - I have to meet two people now and not just one. But then there is a chance that the friend can help fill some of the uncomfortable silences that might come up, or have ideas about where to go next.

 

While hashing out the details of what we are going to do and when, a phone malfunction made it seem like she was irritated that I didn't have a better plan. I was struggling to come up with ideas, because, well, I'm me, but also we actually live pretty far away, and are going to be meeting in the middle in an area I'm not that familiar with. Anyway, she realized that I may have gotten the wrong idea about her reaction do to the phone malfunction, and immediately called to sort it out. I have to say I was quite impressed. And it was nice to hear her voice again anyway. We ended up deciding not to plan too much and just meet somewhere and take it from there. It works for me.

 

We'll be actually going out on Saturday, and today we texted just to finalize the exact location and time. I don't plan on talking to her anymore until then (probably a text to let her know I'm on the way). While I was super excited over the weekend, today I find myself pulling back again. The surprise of having such a strong connection so early has faded, and the feeling of both anxiety (I'm probably not going to like her in person) and apathy (sigh, I'm happy single right now why am I trying to mess it up) are mixing in with the hope I had after our pleasant interactions.

 

I don't have a strong urge to cancel the date yet. That's a good sign for me. The other stuff I don't know that I can get rid of completely. I just have to remind myself to enjoy the process, learn what I can, and try to have fun. Just go with the flow.

 

I'll let you guys know how it goes. I have had a few people message me on OKC this week. No strong matches. I haven't sent any messages since V except to my pen pals...

 

Oh. V's friend has an OKC profile. I know because I got a visit from her. (V had sent me a picture, so I knew what she looked like) I was reading through her stuff (she has a lot more filled out) and... I like what I see. Haha! I'm pretty sure she was checking up on me for V. I thought it was hilarious.

[saluk]

V texted me this morning that she has the flu and has been up all night. It's kind of disappointing - but there was a part of me that was hoping it would happen. A lot of things are happening in my life right now, especially with my job, that I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed the last few days. I've started thinking about buying a house, and the people at my work who had hired me are leaving the company. I'm not sure whether to rent or buy, and I have mixed feelings about my workplace. My friends leaving makes me want to leave as well, as it's not a very fun position. It pays pretty well, yet I'm not sure how much room there is realistically for me to advance. The fact that they are leaving may create some opportunities - but most likely for others and not for me.

 

Hopefully me and V will be able to reschedule, and that I am in a slightly better mood when we do go out.

 

If it wasn't a blow off. But I always give them the benefit of the doubt the first time.

 

I've been hearing form my sisters that there is some trouble in paradise. I don't know if it's E or her sister causing the drama, but I'm sure the real issue is that my sister planned and payed for a 14 day vacation with her friends and did not fully consider the fact that everyone would need some alone time now and again, and that the dynamic of paying a lot of money for friends can bring about some weird feelings in everyone. I'm just glad I'm not there to witness it. Though even with the drama, a vacation sounds nice right about now!

 

Got another message from OKC. Unfortunately while I liked what she said, I couldn't be attracted to her. It's weird, I go many many months without anyone contacting me first and then about December I've gotten something like one a week. One of my pen pals deleted her account but sent me her email and requested we keep talking there - "unless you want to just drop me like everyone else". Sigh. Even though we were never going to be anything romantic, I do want to help her if I can. But I know that that could be dangerous, and could make things worse. Even though she has said multiple times she doesn't want anything romantic, who knows what's really going on. We've had a few weird miscommunications where I made a joke and she took it the wrong way. I've tried to write an email a few times but just can't make words that I can be sure she won't find some weird way to take.

 

Another pen pal has given me her number and we are now texting instead of chatting on the site. She is very logical and likes to explore topics from every angle, which is something I like to do as well.

 

I'm not sure how wise carrying on these non-romantic relationships from the dating site is, but for now I think it's at least giving me some experience talking to women that I may not get if I stick to dates only. For someone as inexperienced as me, I think it's valuable.

[reinventmyself]

 

 

 

 

 

Another pen pal has given me her number and we are now texting instead of chatting on the site. She is very logical and likes to explore topics from every angle, which is something I like to do as well.

 

I'm not sure how wise carrying on these non-romantic relationships from the dating site is, but for now I think it's at least giving me some experience talking to women that I may not get if I stick to dates only. For someone as inexperienced as me, I think it's valuable.

 

Just look at it as practice. . baby steps of sorts.

If you're still doing the same thing a year from now. .then another talk about it will be in order ;}

Until then, carry on!

[saluk]

It's been quite a few days since V canceled the first meet on account of flu. Last night I texted her asking how she is feeling, and got no response. Feeling a bit down on account of that, and wondering if she just got spooked or whatever, I ended up watching a movie on netflix with one of the "pen pals" I guess she deserves an abbreviation now... CF. I've never watched something while chatting with someone else watching the same thing before. It was quite fun! Watching movies with friends and chatting about it during the movie is one of my favorite things, at least if it's a movie I don't care that much about. If I really care, I prefer to not talk during the movie. The movie prompted some good discussion with CF, although I think she learned more about me than I learned about her. I used to have a friend close by who I would watch things with often, but our schedules haven't been in sync lately, CF was a nice stand-in for that.

 

I'm not feeling any sparks, but would not be completely surprised if this turned into... something in the future. Who knows what. I'm leaving it open for now.

 

I also sent one message on OKC, with predictably no response. But it makes sense to keep at it.

 

 

Especially now that I heard back from V. She finally texted me back today, ending the backflips my mind was going through of whether to try a bit harder to chase, text again, call her, or whatever. She is having more serious health issues. If we had met in person and/or had been dating longer, I would probably try and see how I fit in the situation. As is, since we have only had one real phone call (as well as it went), I think it's best to make it clear to her that I am giving her space and she is free to resume pursuing me if/when she so chooses to. I told her as much, saying she is free to call me if she wants to talk, but is under no obligation to.

 

So that's that then I guess. The strongest connection I've felt in 4 years and we never got a chance to meet. Poop.

 

E returned from vacation and talking to my sisters about their trip was... awkward. They tried really hard to edit her out of all of the stories, which almost made it worse! And then i guess there were some interpersonal issues eventually between my sisters and E and her sister, some argument about how to spend their time and money etc. I found myself defending them. This morning I was feeling a bit low about it again. I had to remind myself that me and E never could have worked. There are 1000s of conversations post breakup that make that abundantly clear. We never communicated well, she is always saying what she thinks you want to hear, and that just doesn't work for me. I need things to be clear. That's what I liked so much about V, even in how short it was and how we've ended things, it's always been clear. That's what I want.

[reinventmyself]

So that's that then I guess. The strongest connection I've felt in 4 years and we never got a chance to meet. Poop.

 

Don't mean to giggle at your expense but the ending of the sentence made me!

 

It's hard to not internalize why you don't hear back but I think of times I didn't respond to someone and honestly it often had absolutely nothing to do with them.

Chin up. . remember it's a numbers game. Besides. .she did text back, right?

Put on your flack jacket and carry on!

[saluk]

You aren't giggling at my expense, that was intended to draw at least a chuckle

 

Yeah she told me what was going on so I appreciate that. Of course I would expect that. Her attentiveness was quite the contrast to pretty much every online encounter I've had thus far. Anytime something happened or she said something that could be interpreted differently, before my mind could even get into gear to start overthinking things she added some clarification that put me at ease.

 

She texted me back "That would be great" so who knows. Maybe when she sorts things out in a couple weeks she will get back in touch. I hope she is OK!

 

I've sent a couple more OKC messages, but I'm probably going to go a little dark on the dating front for a little bit. I've started looking for a house and saw some places I really liked yesterday. So I'm going to be pretty focused on that for the next month or so.

[saluk]

So my friend is having the first birthday party for their adopted kid tomorrow. He's a miracle baby of sorts, and I feel like I had a part, as small as it may be, in helping to make that happen. Only thing, his sister E and her husband are going to be there. I think if it was just E, judging by how I acted the last time I saw only her, I would be OK. I don't want her anymore. But seeing her with the husband? I feel like it's a coin flip whether that goes down OK or not. Earlier in the day I was willing to make that coin flip. Maybe I can drop by toward the end of the party so I don't have to stay there too long? Or maybe I can get a friend to text me halfway through the party to let me leave early. (I could use the app Chelsea Handler made on Chelsea does! hehe).

 

But I think it's just better for all involved to not flip the coin.

 

I'm putting forward an offer on a house tomorrow so I can use that as an excuse. If nothing bad comes up in the inspection and all goes according to plan, I'll be living in my first house in less than a month! That's pretty exciting, and overwhelming. I only just started looking at houses, but I fell in love with the 3rd one I saw. Wasn't expecting that. It felt so me.

 

 

 

I hate always having to decide how much to put up with to be in my friends life. He really wants me to be a part of things, but because of my past with his sister, I always have to consider whether or not it's a good idea. Depending on how I feel or how I think she might feel at the moment. Never date someone related to a friend. Unless you know it's going to work out.

 

My OKC messages have been read and my profile was visited. No responses. I think when I get serious I need to revamp my profile again, it's getting a little stale. I hate my summary at the moment.

[saluk]

So I heard the party went well, was really crowded, and only lasted for an hour. I basically missed out on some cake. Gold star to me for making the right choice.

 

Sunday is valentines day and also church, and also I'm in the sound board and it's pretty late to get out of it. I'm going to get to see how I handle myself around E and her husband on valentines day. Woo hoo! I'd say 60% chance of feeling a bit awkward, 10% chance of feeling terrible and having it ruin my day. 40% chance it's no big deal. I can pretty much avoid them if I want, and it's church it's not like there will be a ton of PDA.

 

Having a hard time sending messages on OKC. If I can't think of something to say quickly, I don't want to send anything at all. I know it's completely silly, but I feel if a profile inspires a response, the match is more likely to be inspiring as well. When actually, putting some time into sending the right message to someone who may not bring anything to mind off the top of my head (small talk storage is in a locked bin of microfilm in my brain's warehouse 13), could be all that is needed to get the ball rolling on a good match. But I just don't want to put any effort into something that has such a low chance of even being read, let alone responded to if it's read. I've sent a few this week, all rejected with no response.

 

Today I browsed through my sent messages and came across a response I sent in December to someone who had messaged me. They never read my response, and I actually followed up in January with another unread response. Since things are pretty dry right now, I went ahead and sent a third one. Who knows, maybe this is the time my persistence will be rewarded?

 

V has been online recently, so I guess she's happy to work through her health problems with someone else. I'm not bitter. Much I have been wondering if she may have felt that I was brushing her off rather than the other way around. I may give her a call in the next week or so. I have nothing else going on romantically. But the home buying process is taking up most of my time so I feel OK putting a lot of other things to the side.

[notalady]

I think there might be something to being inspired by someone's profile, interesting view. But if I was initiating a message, usually I just send a "you seem like an interesting person and I would like to get to know you more" if there's nothing to comment on in their profile.

 

I wouldn't send more than one message if there's no response, let alone three! I hate when guys send me more than one messages, like they're not getting the message that I'm not interested, but I suppose you have nothing to lose doing so other than just annoying someone who weren't interested anyway lol!

[reinventmyself]

Sometimes the thought of running into someone doesn't compare to the actual moment.

I often feel a relief as if it exercised the ghost.

Hope you get the outcome you are wishing for.

 

Don't sweat V's actions. There will be plenty more that do the same thing.

You just have to learn to expect it that way you are neither surprise or disappointed.

The trick is to not let take anything away from you.

Next!

[saluk]

I think there might be something to being inspired by someone's profile, interesting view. But if I was initiating a message, usually I just send a "you seem like an interesting person and I would like to get to know you more" if there's nothing to comment on in their profile.

 

I wouldn't send more than one message if there's no response, let alone three! I hate when guys send me more than one messages, like they're not getting the message that I'm not interested, but I suppose you have nothing to lose doing so other than just annoying someone who weren't interested anyway lol!

 

I hate sending generic messages like that. I've also heard that women are more likely to ignore those. But then that message I responded to 3 times now was pretty generic.

 

I would NEVER send 3 opening messages, but these were in response to someone who said they were interested in me. And my messages were not marked as read by okcupid, so I'm wondering if maybe she gets too many messages and lost track of them. Long shot I know.

[saluk]

Sometimes the thought of running into someone doesn't compare to the actual moment.

I often feel a relief as if it exercised the ghost.

Hope you get the outcome you are wishing for.

Next!

 

My anxiety is pretty much based on history here. Sometimes I react OK sometimes not. The new husband definitely triggered some latent things in me that I thought I had fully worked through, so it really is like a coin flip. I can't predict my reaction or prepare for it.

 

Don't sweat V's actions. There will be plenty more that do the same thing.

You just have to learn to expect it that way you are neither surprise or disappointed.

The trick is to not let take anything away from you.

Next!

 

I'm of too minds. I'm not sure I ever want to get so jaded that I expect it. While it can lead to disappointment, I really like the feeling of hope and expectation. As long as I am strong enough to deal with the fallout, I would rather think the best. If I could do it over I would actually call her to talk about it. Texts are just too ambiguous. The best parts of that interaction were over the phone. At least I learned the value of that.

 

Dealing with home stuff the rest of this week. Maybe I'll give sending a bucketload of boring generic messages a try... um... this weekend? Valentines day weekend? Who knows maybe I'll get more responses then.

[reinventmyself]

I think there might be something to being inspired by someone's profile, interesting view. But if I was initiating a message, usually I just send a "you seem like an interesting person and I would like to get to know you more" if there's nothing to comment on in their profile.

 

I wouldn't send more than one message if there's no response, let alone three! I hate when guys send me more than one messages, like they're not getting the message that I'm not interested, but I suppose you have nothing to lose doing so other than just annoying someone who weren't interested anyway lol!

 

. . or when they do send more than one, I can't help but think they are blitzing so many they forgot they said hi to me already 4 times this week already.

I have a picture of them closing their eyes and hitting, send, send, send. . lol