SunshineHeart Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 as mentioned in my previous posts, i tried everything to salvage this relationship including doing things that went against my will and things i didnt particularly want to do, just to keep him. turns out hes pretty much a cheater - invited girls to his house, and i was someone to beat the boredom. i fell in love with him and he played hot and cold with me all the time and i was scared of him because he knew he had my heart and could do whatever he wanted and i would be there. he promised me false dreams of the future so that i stayed until he found someone else to replace me. he was upset when we broke up but he became cold straight away and he insulted me viciously to my friends. i want to move on badly. i feel embaressed that i tried to get him back. i tried being friends and he said no and weve been NC for 3 months and breakup 5 months ago. what do i do? im sick of feeling bad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlarneyStone Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 Read some self help books. The Journey From Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson is a good start. You'll need to find a higher self-worth. It was a dysfunctional relationship. You know that. So its important to recognize you deserve better as well. Through healing you'll ultimately find out how to love yourself and improve your self-worth. No contact will definitely allow you to heal, but won't necessarily increase your confidence or self-love. It's important to be proactive as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunshineHeart Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 is it normal to have up and down days? i feel like i progress then fall back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 Read the Five Stages of Grief.. You will have better days then some until you get to that blissful stage of indifference to him. Forgive yourself for not quickly chucking someone who is "hot and cold" with you. Hone your boundaries and work on having the confidence and self-worth to quickly leave those that are not showing you value. Watch their actions and don't give their words any value unless they match the actions. Learn from this and then you'll have good reason to forgive yourself and put any "embarrassment" behind you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Movingforward3 Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 It is totally normal. We all have our good days and bad. You move back and forth from different stages. You think your done and something triggers a memory. It will get easier with time. What has helped me is to choose my perspective. There are bigger and better and brighter days ahead. I know it. Having the strength to let them go is hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlarneyStone Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 ^What they said. One thing to keep in mind on your bad days is how valuable this experience is. Pretty much everyone goes through this at least once in their lives. It will pave the way to becoming a better 'you'. The fact that you're aware of it gives you the opportunity to instill positive growth. I know people who have been dumped and they never get over it. They live in the past constantly and cling to any glimmer of false hope. Being proactive, that's the key. I kind of look at it this way, and I'm not sure if the fellow ENAers will agree with me here. The goal, strictly hypothetically, is to get to a point where your ex would want you back, but you wouldn't want him/her back. If they came crawling back to you after a certain amount of time passed, upon noticing your transformation, you would simply say, "No thanks, I'm good." And leave it at that. In my opinion, that's the goal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonstar89 Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 You need to do something to replace the bad thinking, cause at the end of the day that's where the problem lies. I always tell people that we look to outside sources to solve and inside problem and that is just not the way it works. What I do is do the next right thing, all you have is right now, not a minute more not a minute less. Do the next right thing whatever you think that is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 Hi Stapler, I think you've gotten some really great advise here. Aside from grieving the loss of the relationship, consider embracing the very fact that there are going to be bad days and find a way to get something out the valuable lessons that will be provided to you while going through this. The most painful challenging lessons are often the best teachers. Your goal from this point on is to learn some things about yourself. Try to channel all that energy you are using right now that goes toward him and use it as a gift for yourself. How come you didn't believe you deserved better? What can you do to help yourself in the future to not be attracted to men that don't feel the same way about you? What can you do so if faced with a similar situation that you have enough self love and self respect to walk away when things get toxic and instead of trying to win back something or someone who clearly is not good for you, you can instead be the one to walk away and take care of yourself? I believe people often come into our lives to teach us something about ourselves. What are your lessons here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patterned Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 You got sucked into something that was outside of your comfort zone. You did things you didn't want to do. You accepted and fought to have someone in your life that treated you poorly. You felt responsible and that you could do something because of the hot/cold behavior. All of that hurts, a lot, but it's not about him. It's about forgiving yourself. You put yourself here. These were your choices. Clearly he's an idiot, but you're not, so can you trust yourself? You're fine. You're just learning as we all do. Your feelings are a guide, feel and work through them. Don't get down on yourself because of your choices. If you could have done better at the time you would have, and the next time you're confronted with this behavior you Will do better. He can't help you, he is the source of your pain, and you seem to want to go fix that so you can feel better about your choices. But you know there is no fixing that. Just work on forgiving yourself, allow yourself to learn and grow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunshineHeart Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 ive done a lot of soul searching and all i really want is for him to come back so i can say no to him and express all my anger. im also scared i wont find someone who treated me as well as he did at the start Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 ive done a lot of soul searching and all i really want is for him to come back so i can say no to him and express all my anger. im also scared i wont find someone who treated me as well as he did at the start Lets hope you never find someone like him again. Anyone can be all that and a bag of chips in the beginning. It's how they treat you after the honeymoon period has waned is what is important. Write down everything you would like to say to him in a letter BUT DON'T SEND IT. Just put it in a drawer and re-read it every once in a while when you feel the urge. Once you're over your "hoping" and "wishing" and "needs" to contact (for whatever reason) burn that letter and let all but indifference to him float away with the smoke. To talk to him again will do nothing but set you back and reopen all the emotional pain you have gotten past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.