SunshineHeart Posted January 17, 2016 Author Share Posted January 17, 2016 does anyone have any technique or something for getting rid of a memory from your mind when you start thinking about it? i keep feeling low because of the memories Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunshineHeart Posted January 17, 2016 Author Share Posted January 17, 2016 im really struggling not to break NC today. anyone have any advice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Go to the movies where you're not allowed to use your phone. Go swim laps. Paint a room.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunshineHeart Posted January 18, 2016 Author Share Posted January 18, 2016 Go to the movies where you're not allowed to use your phone. Go swim laps. Paint a room.... do you think its a concious decision to let go or takes time? i cant believe he cheated and replaced me for a girl who hasnt done anything for him whilst i did everything to help him get his dream job and out of depression Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
youareworthy Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 Dear Stapler123, You have asked in a few places here for specific ideas for how to stop thinking about your ex-boyfriend. You mentioned that you don't have time with your college responsibilities to be out "doing" things to distract yourself. I totally get that! So I made you a list of 30 things I did, that were all in my head, that REALLY HELPED ME stop thinking about my ex. Eventually I did get over him! Ironically, some of these ideas came from my ex, who was a therapist! If I had it to do again, I would write all of these on sticky notes and index cards, I'd type them into my phone; I'd put them everywhere in my environment. I would memorize them as people do when learning lines for a play, or vocabulary in a new language. Eventually I did memorize most of these ideas, once I heard them or figured them out on my own. Good luck, sweetie! 1. Read It's Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken. Even just saying the title to yourself is helpful! 2. Remember, if this relationship were meant to be, you’d still be together. This helps when you think he/she’s the only one you will ever love. 3. Another thing I tell myself a lot is: I have probably dodged a bullet. I don't mean an ex is always a jerk. I mean that if you and he/she couldn’t make it work, then chances are that even if you had married, the marriage would likely end, because of the serious issues that made it end now. You see what I am saying? 4. This means that the pain you are experiencing now is minimal compared to the pain later if you had upped the commitment and complexity of the relationship, and THEN its "brokenness" had shown itself. 5. Or maybe there is a part of that possible future from which you are being protected. Car crash? Death of a child? Who knows? 6. Without total buy-in, the passivity or reluctance of the less committed partner eventually destroys the relationship. 7. If you have to CONVINCE someone to be with you, then that is not the person for you. 8. The right person will WANT to be with you, no persuasion needed! (corollary to #7) 9. I know from painful experience that a bad marriage is FAR WORSE than being single. Trust me!! You DON'T want to find this one out the hard way! 10. When I was so miserably married, I looked back on my single days and realized I had wasted a lot of time wishing I were married. I know now to consciously enjoy all the ADVANTAGES of being single: Getting to do what I want to when I want to (within reason!). Getting to spend my money in the way I feel is best, without having to compromise. Getting to live where I want, travel, follow my dreams. 11. What I have learned is this: In every status, whether single, dating or married, there are blessings and advantages, and we should make the most of them, not mope and moan about wanting the advantages of another status. 12. Don't miss the present by living in the future, or the past. 13. Stop every unhelpful thought the moment it appears: As soon as a thought of him/her crops up, say: ”My ex is not part of my life today. I will focus on living a full life today." 14. When I am faithful to repeat this (#13), and dismiss every thought of my ex instantly, I find I have much greater equilibrium of spirits, much more peace. 15. I have to be honest that I did not always WANT to banish every thought of my ex. No. I wanted to retreat into the past when we had so much joy, or into a future fantasy world in which we are together happily. I cannot tell you how many “I’m so sorry, Youareworthy! I was so stupid to break up with you! I really love you and want to marry you!” speeches I wrote in my head. I delighted in the fantasy world because it was so much sweeter that the painful reality of being rejected by someone who once sincerely professed life-long unconditional love for the real me. ARRGGGHH. I think retreating into my fantasy world lengthened my grieving time, but I was obviously getting something out of it, or I would have stopped. When I finally addressed this habit with my therapist, I retreated much less often, and now I have stopped. 16. The view from one year out is a lot different, and a LOT better. So if I can give you nothing else, let me reassure you of this: 17. YOU WILL NOT STAY AT THIS PRESENT PAIN LEVEL FOREVER! 18. Having said that, I was surprised that I still felt so crummy at 1 month, 2 months, 3 months. But after 3 months or so, I began to feel somewhat better. The six month mark was pretty rough, too, but I felt A LOT better after that. Both my therapist and psychiatrist told me that this grieving would probably take at least a year because of the strength and length of our connection. That prediction is turning out to be just about right. 19. They also told me: Do not to date for a full year. I haven’t and I am very glad. And no, you won’t die from being single a whole year! 20. Will your ex regret his/her stupid decision to dump the best person he/she ever dated? Probably, but probably not until he/she is in the thick of a horrible marriage or something. Did that. 21. You will probably find yourself frequently thinking about what your ex is doing. Or if he/she is with a new love. Or what he/she thinks about you now. Or what he/she is telling any possible new love about you. Or what his/her family is saying about you. Or what his/her friends think about you now. Relax. These torturous questions are completely normal; almost everyone ponders them. Now, when I catch myself going down one of these rabbit trails, I tell myself, “Youareworthy! 22. This is all speculative, and not helpful. Concentrate on what is at hand! 23. I will not lie to you. This process is very hard. But you can do it. You ARE doing it! 24. Do not beat yourself up for being wherever you are in this healing. It is what it is, and it’s fine. 25. Eventually, you will see your growth, if you can’t see it yet. 26. I kept reminding myself that my timeline of healing was right for me. Don’t let people rush you. 27. Be very patient with yourself! Be kind to yourself! Take care of yourself. 28. Take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. Just today. Don’t look at the past or the future. Focus on this minute. 29. Keep up the good fight. 30. Don't miss the flower growing out of the crack in the sidewalk right in front of you! Youareworthy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
youareworthy Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 Dear stapler123, I am going to intersperse my comments within your story. Your story is an excellent backdrop for explaining red flags, which are behaviors that tell you that the person you are with is unhealthy or even dangerous. Lostandhurt, one of my friends here on ENA, just taught me this week: When you get to 2 or 3 red flags, stop counting and put that person in the rear view mirror of your life. We dated for 1.5 years and had been friends for ages beforehand. During our friendship I had helped him through a tough depression because of uni, work and stress, and I started liking him towards the end but he was always very hot and cold towards me. A therapist once told me that ambivalence is a common trait in an adolescent male. I have seen it to be frequently true. But still, it is a red flag. Red flag # 1 Ambivalence Ultimately he asked me out and it was going great for the majority of time. He moved out of state and told me continuously we would get married and we planned every little detail of it including kids’ names and how we would move in together soon too. However, out of the blue he said he stopped loving me but that he was falling for me again. OK, that part is confusing. Do you mean he was saying that he HAD stopped loving you, but now the love was rekindling? That’s what I think you mean. Ambivalence again. He wanted to continue to go out as long as he had the chance to talk to other girls, Uh, NO THANK YOU! Red flag # 2 Wants to play the field because otherwise I was the only girl in his life. And your being his only girl is a problem HOW? You guys were exclusive, and planning on marriage! I agreed and everything got better again. Red flag # 2.5 Relationship is only "good" when on his terms Oh, no, I can see what’s coming. Since it was LD I asked to message everyday, OF COURSE That is perfectly reasonable if you are exclusive AND far apart. and it was working great for like 6 months. During which time he was cultivating other relationships... then he suddenly started to ignore me, forget about messaging me and whenever i told him to message he would get angry. Red flag #3 Defensive anger That tells me he had started seeing someone else. UGH. (cheater!) I wanted to leave on many MANY occasions because he was hurting me - he insulted me ENORMOUS RED FLAG HERE Counts for Red Flags # 4, 5 and 6 hurting and insulting you--verbal abuse warning BEEP BEEP BEEP And brought up my past a lot Red flag #7 using things you shared in emotional vulnerability to attack you - but he insisted I stayed Red flag #8 insisting on a relationship when partner is backing off by promising me a good future together. Red flag #9 all romantic talk but no actions of integrity he used to invite girls to his house and go out late without telling me with girls. Red flag #10, 11 and 12 girls at his house, lying by omission (gets two flags) He is a philanderer, sowing wild oats. Not relationship material. he would ignore me for days on end and not make any time for me, but made time for other girls. Not gentlemanly boyfriend behavior. Red Flag #12 ignoring, marginalizing you he called another girl hot to my face one day. Red flag #13, 14 and 15 insensitive, disrespectful, and pushing boundaries to see how much he can get away with I told him I wasn't happy and he decided to use that to break up with me (Sarcasm here: How dare you try to have any healthy boundaries in the relationship!) Red flag #16 blame the victim despite me trying my best to make it work for that whole time, with the false promises he gave me. Red flag # 17 lying I tried to get him back and he said he didn't want to talk again. He is doing you a gigantic favor! I discovered that the 'hot' girl is with him and that was of the reasons for the break up Naturally, ugh. so that doesn't feel great. this news has set me back to square 1. I know, honey. It hurts terribly! He insulted me to my friends very very viciously too which really hurt me. Red flag #18, 19, 20 one each for very and vicious and insults Did i make a mistake? For loving someone, for believing them? No! For missing the red flags, yes, but chances are you haven’t been taught what to look for. Now you know 21 of them! Plus loads more great information from ParisPaulette. I can see that your instincts were screaming out to you on many occasions. I used to make the mistake of letting bullies-disguised-as-boyfriends talk me out of what my instincts were screaming at me. Do I deserve better? You know you deserve better. No one deserves to be ignored, cheated on, lied to, and viciously insulted. I feel like I'll never move on That is definitely how a breakup, and a betrayal, feel in the early stages. Ugh. So painful! or find someone who treated me as well as he did at the start. Relationships usually seem wonderful at the start. And a guy like him, who has multiple women on a string, is a master at treating these women very well in the beginning. He knows just what a woman wants to hear. But he is using that knowledge NOT to build meaningful emotional intimacy with one special person, but to get into the beds of many women. Not the kind of man a monogamous woman wants. You are truly well shot of this person. My heart hurts everyday. I know. A year ago, when a man I loved very much cut me out of his life, I thought I would never recover either. It was through reading posts here on ENA, working with my therapist, and getting help from individual ENA members that I have finally begun to feel normal again. You will, too. I promise! Youareworthy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
youareworthy Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Dear Stapler123. As I promised you in my PM, here is the story about boundaries with guys who want to two-time you. I hope you like it! Youareworthy He wanted to continue to go out as long as he had the chance to talk to other girls because otherwise i was the only girl in his life. i agreed and everything got better again. OK, are you up for a sweet and real-life love story that has to do with this misbehavior? Here goes: When my parents met in 1942, Mom was 17 and Dad was 20. They dated for about 6 months, then Dad proposed. Mom said, “No. I am going to college, and I don’t want to get married until I am done with my degree.” So they decided to date long-distance. During some subsequent winter or summer holiday break, Dad came to Mom and said, “I love you and want to keep dating you, but I am also really interested in this woman at college. I would like to date both of you at the same time.” Mom, though very shy, had a good head on her shoulders. She said, “No. I’m not going to share you with someone else. You have to choose, and if you can’t choose, I’ll choose for you by breaking up with you.” Well, either Dad couldn’t choose, or he chose the other woman, because my parents broke up. Mom says she cried for months about this, but eventually she got over him. Two or three years later, she graduated from college in Minnesota and moved halfway across the country to San Francisco for a great job. Dad, who had long since stopped dating the other woman, heard through the grapevine that Mom was going on 4 or 5 dates a week, with lots of different guys (these were wholesome dates, mind you--this was 1947!). She was very pretty, and was one of the few young women working at a men’s college. (Very strategically placed.) Dad realized that if he didn’t act fast, she would be snapped up by someone else. He began writing to her, and after a few months, he flew from Connecticut to California to see her. They went on a day cruise on San Francisco Bay, and he told me years later, “It was that red suit she was wearing that cinched it for me. I love the way your mom looks in red.” On that cruise, he proposed to her again. Since I am referring to them as Mom and Dad, you can guess her answer. They were married 5 months later. They had 7 children, and were very happily married for 35 years, until my dad passed away. MORAL OF THE STORY: My mom had really good boundaries, and my dad (eventually) responded to them appropriately. Their good boundaries brought them together in a healthy way and kept their marriage happily on track. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunshineHeart Posted January 30, 2016 Author Share Posted January 30, 2016 Dear Stapler123. As I promised you in my PM, here is the story about boundaries with guys who want to two-time you. I hope you like it! Youareworthy OK, are you up for a sweet and real-life love story that has to do with this misbehavior? Here goes: When my parents met in 1942, Mom was 17 and Dad was 20. They dated for about 6 months, then Dad proposed. Mom said, “No. I am going to college, and I don’t want to get married until I am done with my degree.” So they decided to date long-distance. During some subsequent winter or summer holiday break, Dad came to Mom and said, “I love you and want to keep dating you, but I am also really interested in this woman at college. I would like to date both of you at the same time.” Mom, though very shy, had a good head on her shoulders. She said, “No. I’m not going to share you with someone else. You have to choose, and if you can’t choose, I’ll choose for you by breaking up with you.” Well, either Dad couldn’t choose, or he chose the other woman, because my parents broke up. Mom says she cried for months about this, but eventually she got over him. Two or three years later, she graduated from college in Minnesota and moved halfway across the country to San Francisco for a great job. Dad, who had long since stopped dating the other woman, heard through the grapevine that Mom was going on 4 or 5 dates a week, with lots of different guys (these were wholesome dates, mind you--this was 1947!). She was very pretty, and was one of the few young women working at a men’s college. (Very strategically placed.) Dad realized that if he didn’t act fast, she would be snapped up by someone else. He began writing to her, and after a few months, he flew from Connecticut to California to see her. They went on a day cruise on San Francisco Bay, and he told me years later, “It was that red suit she was wearing that cinched it for me. I love the way your mom looks in red.” On that cruise, he proposed to her again. Since I am referring to them as Mom and Dad, you can guess her answer. They were married 5 months later. They had 7 children, and were very happily married for 35 years, until my dad passed away. MORAL OF THE STORY: My mom had really good boundaries, and my dad (eventually) responded to them appropriately. Their good boundaries brought them together in a healthy way and kept their marriage happily on track. Thank you for sharing this great story and i hope others can benefit from seeing the power of setting boundaries for your own self respect and dignity to remain intact. I guess I do regret not doing the same. I always wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt but that's what shot me in the foot in the end. I gave a lot of my dignity up by contact of him too much after amd I regret the fact that he thinks that he is better than me and that he won by breaking it off with me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
youareworthy Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Thank you for sharing this great story and I hope others can benefit from seeing the power of setting boundaries for your own self respect and dignity to remain intact. I guess I do regret not doing the same. I always wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but that's what shot me in the foot in the end. I gave a lot of my dignity up by contacting him too much after and I regret the fact that he thinks that he is better than me and that he won by breaking it off with me We all have regrets in situations that end. Just take the lesson from the mistake, and move forward with courage. Do NOT regret anything FOR your ex. Who cares if he thinks he is better than you are? You know the truth! You were faithful to him, and tried hard to make the relationship work. He was cheating on you, lying to you, and playing you with his empty promises. Which one is the better person in that situation, you or he? Let him think he won. He will not be the last person you encounter in your lifetime who emotionally "needs" this kind of "win." My attitude with people like this, full of themselves and their victories at my expense, is "If he is that immature and insecure that he NEEDS that hollow kind of win, then let him have it." It means nothing to you, because you know a REAL win for him would have been if he had treated you so well that you two were very happy together, and he was truly capable of a healthy relationship. His win is nothing but an ego trip, and only proves that he is the LOSER, not the winner. You are the winner, for no longer being connected to a cheater and liar. Take care! Youareworthy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunshineHeart Posted February 1, 2016 Author Share Posted February 1, 2016 We all have regrets in situations that end. Just take the lesson from the mistake, and move forward with courage. Do NOT regret anything FOR your ex. Who cares if he thinks he is better than you are? You know the truth! You were faithful to him, and tried hard to make the relationship work. He was cheating on you, lying to you, and playing you with his empty promises. Which one is the better person in that situation, you or he? Let him think he won. He will not be the last person you encounter in your lifetime who emotionally "needs" this kind of "win." My attitude with people like this, full of themselves and their victories at my expense, is "If he is that immature and insecure that he NEEDS that hollow kind of win, then let him have it." It means nothing to you, because you know a REAL win for him would have been if he had treated you so well that you two were very happy together, and he was truly capable of a healthy relationship. His win is nothing but an ego trip, and only proves that he is the LOSER, not the winner. You are the winner, for no longer being connected to a cheater and liar. Take care! Youareworthy thank you so much once again, i hope others can make use of this last time we talked he said he didnt want to be friends (even though i said i wanted to - which was a mistake) because he didnt trust me in the fact that I had moved on. It felt like I was doing something wrong by still liking him after the relationship ended and not being able to sever my emotions like he did so easily. the fact that he lost trust in ME when i shouldve been the one losing trust in him hurts a lot. how can someone like him not think im a good catch when hes such a horrible person. I keep wanting to message him recently and i do stop myself but it's so so so hard to do so Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
youareworthy Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 I know it is hard, terribly hard, but it is the only way. Hang in there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovehearts123 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 your situation is fairly similar to mine. do you have any advice? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
youareworthy Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Dear lovehearts123, Go back and read this whole thread. Stapler123 contacted me privately and asked me send her some advice. I put together three things for her to use to recover. They are in this thread: posts #30, 31, and 32; some additional helpful points are in post #34. Read those and meditate on them. I think esp. 30, 31 and 34 will really help. I am sorry you are suffering. Blessings to you, dear one. Youareworthy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.