Coming off way too strong

[Brokenheart99]

So I met a guy at some party I went to some months back. Long story short, we met up recently and he seemed cool so we exchanged numbers and started talking. But God, the more we talk, he's just coming off way too strong. Constantly texting me, like within minutes after I reply. 5 messages to my every 2. If I slow it down, and respond way later he texts again in between. He wants to meet again and is already making plans two weeks in advance etc. I mean at first I thought he seemed normal and nice etc, but he's just coming off way too strong and crowding me. It's suffocating. But we just started talking, so I'm not sure how to tactfully tell him to slow it down. Even his messages are so needy. Like he will go and find some picture of some actor I liked on social media and bring it up in conversation. "Soo you like so and so huh?"

 

It's just too much for me. I mean I don't want a jerk to ignore me, but we have been on one coffee date. And I just like my space and I like things a bit slower.

 

How do you slow it down without killing momentum or being mean or should I run for the hills with this one?

[kelnell]

Everyone texts differently and to some people it's just normal to text non-stop so maybe this guy doesn't realise that's not your style. Maybe if you meet up again bring it up in a jokey way and just mention that he texts a lot, so that he knows if you don't reply for a while it's not because you're not interested and hopefully he will slow down.

[ParisPaulette]

I am going to tell you to simply tell him, "Dude, too much" then block and delete him off of everything. It's not cool and your alarm bells are going off for a reason, because normal people don't act like that. Bluntly speaking, the wacko ones who think they own you after one date do.

 

Seriously, don't go out with the guy. Tell him you're done, it's too much, block and delete and DO NOT respond no matter what he says or does. If he gets violent or scary turn it over the cops.

 

I never had anything but trouble and nightmares from people who want too much too fast from you and cling like you're their last hope and salvation instead of just an interesting person they're looking forward to dating. He should have enough of a life to NOT even have time to be at you like that and you are letting him think this is okay, so at this point just tell him STOP, NO, and be done with it.

 

Or you will be extremely sorry you ever gave him your number. Nope, this one is just not acting normal and you know it. And there's a reason the hair is starting to stand up on the back of your neck and you're looking over your shoulder when you get out of the car. Pay attention to it, human intuition is actually a finely honed instrument that's kept the human race from dying out for centuries. Listen to it.

[Brokenheart99]

He sounds so thirsty, like super desperate. Kinda like a guy who is just overly excited and can't keep his emotions in check. I mean he texted me 2 hours ago, I haven't responded. So he texted again 1 hour ago. Still no response and so now he texts again with some bs about "oops wrong text". Urgh he sounds way desperate and like he's been lonely too long.

[HeartGoesOn]

You wouldn't be "mean" if you decided to run for the hills. This type of scenario usually escalates over time, and with this being the result after one coffee date, yes I would run, and run fast....

[IAmFCA]

Recently was over texted and did exactly as suggested - called off date number 2 saying I didn't have enough energy to match what he was sending out - and blocked.

[reinventmyself]

I personally don't tell someone new to change their behavior. If you do he may hide it from you. I think it's important to take note of how someone behaves early on. It's a great indicator of things to come. I'd rather see it now rather than later.

Just observe and gage how it makes you

[IAmFCA]

I personally don't tell someone new to change their behavior. If you do he may hide it from you. I think it's important to take note of how someone behaves early on. It's a great indicator of things to come. I'd rather see it now rather than later.

Just observe and gage how it makes you

 

Agree that we don't suggest how others might change. Let's do call it off before we disappear, though.

[j.man]

Everyone texts differently and to some people it's just normal to text non-stop so maybe this guy doesn't realise that's not your style. Maybe if you meet up again bring it up in a jokey way and just mention that he texts a lot, so that he knows if you don't reply for a while it's not because you're not interested and hopefully he will slow down.

Slim fitting suits are a style. Boot cut jeans are a style. This guy's texting? Not a style. You run away from men or women like this, not sit with and joke about their socially inept, borderline scary behavior. This guy may be innocent enough but when signs of obsession pop up immediately, you can't be too careful.

[kathy679]

I'm in kind of the same situation with someone coming off way too strong. Read what everyone put on my last thread it's great advice

[Brokenheart99]

Yeah I just know some people get excited and come off strong but they're actually normal so I was wondering about this situation. But I told him yesterday after I got 6 texts in a row including a fake "wrong person text" that you're blowing up my phone. So he responds with "tell me about your family." Lol sometimes you just gotta laugh.

[DoF]

Yeah I just know some people get excited and come off strong but they're actually normal so I was wondering about this situation. But I told him yesterday after I got 6 texts in a row including a fake "wrong person text" that you're blowing up my phone. So he responds with "tell me about your family." Lol sometimes you just gotta laugh.

 

He is NOT listening to you or your concerns.

 

What you need to do is get him one on one (ask him out for coffee) face him, put on serious face and in a serious manner say "look, you are coming on WAY too strong and I have to ask you to back off a bit".

 

Think of it as a TEST of his character. Watch him closely as you tell him. Watch his face expression, how he reacts, body language and emotion. If you sense anger, offensiveness and defensiveness......WATCH OUT.

 

Honestly though, I would start writing him off completely.....as you have already been doing.

[Sportster2005]

The behavior is neediness, the habit is texting. You might resolve the habit, but the underlying driving behavior will still be there.

[Brokenheart99]

This is true. I've just ignored him from now on. Gosh dating in your 30s sucks.

[j.man]

The behavior is neediness, the habit is texting. You might resolve the habit, but the underlying driving behavior will still be there.

Exactly this. It's why both this case and Kathy's have absolutely no need for a table-talk addressing it.

[ParisPaulette]

And his response to your blowing up your phone is him trying to get info on your family, possibly so he can stalk them to get to you.

 

Please send one text, "This isn't working for me. Goodbye." Then block and delete him, password protect your information, and never respond. This is tipping it's way into scary behavior. You do NOT tell some near stranger exhibiting obsessive tendencies all about your family.

 

You get them out of your life, go dark, and pray you don't now have a stalker situation. Please just shut this guy down NOW. I'm not even joking about this. You need to maintain very tight boundaries and this is not acceptable behavior, or someone being into you. It's a red flag of obsessive behaviors to the point you just ignore what someone says and interpose your own will over theirs anyways.

 

In short, do what I did when I was online dating, and don't entertain the red flag ones for even a second. Or you'll have them showing up to your work with a bouquet of dead flowers and a nasty note to watch your back the way I did after staying in contact, because I felt sorry for the overly needy guy that kept ringing my phone all hours of the night day. (Thank heavens I had an uncle in law enforcement who called the guy up and gave a very pointed talk to him, social media wasn't that prevalent then so the guy couldn't gather more intell, and he was at least sane enough to be scared off by the presence of stern law enforcement.)

 

And then there's the time the overly need weird guy who decided I was the love of his life in one coffee date tried to follow me home and I had to lose him in a crowded subway then spend half a day running away from where I lived just to shake him. Terrifying doesn't begin to describe that experience, because I had kids.

 

Stay safe people, pay attention to your gut, it is NOT normal when someone acts like that. It's not cute or they're just "overeager" or "they really love me." It's obsessive and it can quickly tip into dangerous. Don't ignore red flags or laugh at them, block, delete, move the heck on to safer territory.

 

P.S. And with someone like that you don't go face to face with them and have a "talk." He doesn't care, he'll imagine in his own head that you meeting with him is you caring and he will escalate his behavior. You cannot reason with crazy and at this point yeah, this guy's acting crazy. Do not meet with him or he might try and follow you home or flip out on you like another date of mine did. (Yeah, I've had a few unchoice dating experiences by ignoring serious red flags and thinking I could talk people out of the behavior they felt comfortable enough and sure enough of doing in front of me, a near stranger, from the get-go.)

 

Just block the guy, lose his number, never respond again.

[boredinbucks]

Some girl one day may have the patience to teach him, where he is going wrong - and to relax and act a little more confident and put together. He's probably maybe a nice guy. But, you probably maybe shouldn't ever try and find out.