SunshineHeart Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 were together 1.5 years, friends for 4 years before. he was very needy at first and always loved me more than i did. i had helped him get through a severe depression. one day completely randomly - he even said it was sudden - he said he stopped loving me and became very cold and told me he wanted to stay together as long as he can hang with other girls. He knew my weakness was marriage and he'd promised me it for a longtime even till the last few days. He promised me that after falling out of love with me for no reason that he was falling for me again and he told me to stay even though he was making no effort for me at all. He told me kids names and marriage venues and how we should move in together soon. He did other things though that were upsetting me, he invited girls to his house amd he would not message for days or ask how I was. He was very selfish and didn't make time for me at all and spent late nights out with girls and guys without telling me. for the last 6 months i was very depressed about it because i was pretty much alone and he only talked to me about himself. so one day, even though i was very scared of telling him my opinion, i told him I was unhappy that he didn't seem as into the relationship as me so he told me he doesn't love me at all. i feel like he used me to get back on his feet after the depression and after, i was no use. He led me on for the 6 months saying we'd be together forever. It's been 4 months. 3 month NC. he insulted me a lot to my friends and he used to insult me during my time with him which made me cry - i used to want to leave but he'd promise me marriage so id stay. I'm Still heartbroken because he led me on for so long and i was attached. i even tried getting back together with him but he said never. How do I move on? do i actually deserve better? i feel like i won't find someone who treated me as well as he did at the start Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 Needy and depressed is not love and is not treating you well. It's an unhealthy person clinging to you and using you like a crutch. As for the rest, he was lying to you, cheating on you, was abusive to you, was insulting to you. Why would you want to marry that??????!!!!!! Yes, you dang well deserve better. Frankly, I think you'd be pretty hard pressed to do worse so finding someone else should be pretty easy. If you want marriage, then consider who it is you want to marry and what kind of a man he should be. Then seek him out. Seeking out a broken down dependent, thinking that you'll cure him and he'll marry you out of gratitude......you are setting yourself up for failure. Seek out healthy people who are looking for what you are. A true match. Anyway, in your case I think it would be really good for you to invest in some counseling both to help with your depression and also to get yourself straight on what a healthy relationship is and that yes you can absolutely have one. You just need to learn to recognize what that is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoF Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 There is ALWAYS someone better than ANYONE, ESPECIALLY someone better than your boyfriend and what you told us about him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jobelle Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 Good for you for keeping NC, healing can only take place when there is NC. Yes, you deserve better. Accept that you may not get the closure you want. You will never know why he stopped loving you. To be honest though, I don't think he ever did. If he had loved you, he would do his best to treat you with the utmost respect even when breaking up with you. And he wouldn't cheat on you. I personally believe you were involved with a narcissist and you should be thankful that this happened before you married him and got legally bound with him. There's a lot of articles on how to deal with break ups out there, and there's this forum. You are not alone in this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoF Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 He never loved himself THUS he can never EVER love anyone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunshineHeart Posted January 8, 2016 Author Share Posted January 8, 2016 thank you. although there were limited good memories, I'm having a hard time getting over them. I'm also sad that i didn't leave earlier Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 Yes, a thousand times yes, heck random men you pass on the street are better than this clown you describe. Come on, he was emotionally abusive and a jerk to you. Of course, you can do better. You can do better without even trying, but learn from this and take it with you into the future. Consider this guy a total picture of WHAT NO ONE WANTS by way of a partner, male or female. It's a good start and you can only go up from there. Pay attention to red flags and leave the first time they act like this guy did, not the 200th, and keep searching until you find someone who treats you well all the time. And yes, sometimes that's a bit of a search, but the good things in life often take work and that includes relationships. You're going to be okay as long as you don't slot someone else in like this guy was and let them walk all over you. Consider this a learning experience. It's what I had to do with my first relationship and it's safe to say that yeah, I had a few more bad relationships after him, but still the worst of those was miles above my first who was an emotionally and physically abusive drug dealer. I never did that badly again, I'm happy to report, and chances are good your next relationship will be better. And yes, all you'll do is learn and grow and choose better and better people as you go. Good luck and be glad you're shed of this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jex24 Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 I can really relate to how you're feeling right now. I'm on day 2 of NC with my ex despite having been broken up for over 2 years now. My ex sounds a lot like yours: all the promises of marriage/family, stringing me along, giving me false hope, telling me he doesn't love me anymore but keeping me around, etc. Dating the past 2+ years has been really difficult because I can't find anyone who I like or click with since him. And I'm starting to seriously doubt there is anyone better for me out there too. But part of my NC process for me is staying hopeful about the future. Because in all honesty, you never know what's going to happen and who is going to come into your life. The thought of never finding that again is REALLY scary to me. But I'm trying to stop putting pressure on the future and just let things fall into place the way they should. Instead of trying to force things, I am trying to go out and enjoy my life and take each day at a time. It's so daunting to stress out about something that may or may not happen. But I'll tell you one thing: you do NOT need anyone in your life who treated you the way he did. Take this as a learning experience, because now you know what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. Never settle for anything less than you deserve. Stay strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunshineHeart Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 thank you and neither do you. i hope your NC stays strong because you deserve better and you deserve to be happy. I think we partly make ourselves hope that if we talk to the ex they'll come back but they don't. Ive just found a message on twitter from a girl to him- who he'd been hanging out loads whilst were togther (which made me very very upset) - saying 'love you' to him. that hurts a lot and i feel like my healing has moved back again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenhrtd Posted January 9, 2016 Share Posted January 9, 2016 The beginning of your story is almost the same as mine. I don't think I can ever understand how after so many years of pursuing and finally getting what they want it's so easy for them to just let us go. I'm glad you had the strength to not talk to him at all. Although you're hurting again because of what you found remind yourself that you've gotten through all these months already, you've felt the lowest that you could feel and you're sad again but you're still breathing. My ex and I had broken up a few times but never "for good" until this time. Each time it's happened I always cried and felt like this was it. It's been two weeks now, we still talked daily and told eachother we loved one another and kissed and held eachother, but just two nights ago we agreed that we can't keep this up anymore he needs to figure his life out on his own, so I'm going to let him. For real this time. It hurts me really bad but he's been stringing me along for a while. I hope that I can have even half the strength that you had to get through all these days. You're great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunshineHeart Posted January 9, 2016 Author Share Posted January 9, 2016 you will. stick to your willpower and whenever you want to contact him, talk to your friends instead. or come on here and post something. remember you're still young too so think of how you've dodged a bullet from someone who strung you along, and can now move forward to find someone that will FIGHT for you forever. surely thats what we all deserve right? stay strong Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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