SunshineHeart Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 were together 1.5 years, friends for 4 years before. he was very needy at first and always loved me more than i did. i had helped him get through a severe depression with suicidal thoughts. one day completely randomly - he even said it was sudden - he said he stopped loving me and became very cold and told me he wanted to stay together as long as he can hang with other girls. He knew my weakness was marriage and he'd promised me it for a longtime even till the last few days. He promised me that after falling out of love with me for no reason that he was falling for me again and he told me to stay even though he was making no effort for me at all. He told me kids names and honeymoon places and how we should move in together soon. He did other things though that were upsetting me, he invited girls to his house amd he would not message for days or ask how I was. He was very selfish and didn't make time for me at all amd spent late nights out with girls without telling me. for the last 6 months i was very depressed about it because i was pretty much alone and he only talked to me about himself. so one day, even though i was very scared of telling him my opinion, i told him I was unhappy that he didn't seem as into the relationship as me so he told me he doesn't love me at all. i feel like he used me to get back on his feet after the depression and after, i was no use. He led me on for the 6 months saying we'd be together forever. It's been 4 months. 3 month NC. he insulted me a lot to my friends and he used to insult me during my time with him which made me cry - i used to want to leave but he'd promise me marriage so id stay. I'm Still heartbroken because he led me on for so long and i was attached. How do I move on? do i actually deserve better? i feel like i won't find someone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoF Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 Here we go again, I think I have to start copy pasting my posts cause I'm repeating myself a whole lot. Same situations/advice each and every day. a) he was never your friend if he or you had attraction. Second there is attraction, it's not friendships. Mostly because friends don't hide feelings or have deeper intentions. That's a BAD friend. b) Severe depression and suicidal thoughts? RUN AWAY, you are not capable of helping a person like that. Chance are, you have a white knight syndrome too (you feel bad for people and want to help them......it only backfires and ruins YOUR life) c) he told you he didn't loved you and you stayed? Not smart. Why would you want to be with a person that doesn't love you. d) he wanted to have all the benefits of a relationship and 0 commitment? And you accepted that? Again, not smart. When you say you are 3 months NC, are you? Have you seen/spoke to him or texted him? Take at least 6 months to heal/recover and reflect on above. learn from it. In time you will be better. You really need to recognize your mistakes and learn from them. NEVER EVER repeat them again. You had a choice to leave....but you didn't. Learn to love yourself, until you do, you are not mature/adult.Loving yourself and accepting yourself is the first step of maturity. Your insecuries will go away in time once you do. And never EVER feel that you will not find someone else. That's probably exactly what made you stay with this jerk to begin with. ALWAYS be optimistic and positive about your future. It's your resolution to just about anything in life..... Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunshineHeart Posted January 7, 2016 Author Share Posted January 7, 2016 i haven't seen or spoken to him which is good. do you have any tips for getting over that loss of respect i suppose? i should've left long ago but i didn't Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 He led me on for the 6 months saying we'd be together forever. Don't listen to his BS words... look at his actions for goodness sakes. His actions clearly tell you that he didn't love you the way you think you loved him they also tell you clearly that nor would he ever marry you. A man that loves you and wants to marry you would never see other women, date other women, stay out late with other women, tell you they will only stay with you if they can have other women if he promised you a monogamous union. .... so; Are you a mutually agreed to polyamorous couple? If not, surely you understand that this man was telling you in his actions that he would never be a monogamous partner to you! Next time don't listen to what you want to hear and believe it as a truth when the actions of the man telling you what you want to hear are not matching up with his actions. I'm sorry you're hurting. I suggest you do the mental work you need to do so that you learn something from this, understand that you deserve better then what the likes of what this man was giving you and that you have the strength to leave garbage to the curb where it belongs instead of clinging to words without action to back them up as truth. Feel better soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 Yes, you definitely deserve so much better than this clown. Heck, being by yourself is still better than being with him. And yes, you will meet someone else. Just block and delete him, do not be there to pick him up the next time he falls or lapses into depression or for any other reason. Focus on healing and moving forward, learn from this experience and pay attention to red flags next time. You deserve far better, but you will never find it if you are letting him take up valuable time and resources. Dump him out of your life altogether, and dump anyone who is toxic. The first time he invited another girl to his house should have been when you dumped his butt. Have higher standards and better boundaries on what you will or will not tolerate and don't deviate from them. That's where you went wrong, you didn't pull this guy up short the first time he pulled some crap on you and so he went ahead and pulled a ton more knowing you wouldn't. Lesson learned. If they want to be with you they need to act like it and not be unfaithful or mistreat you. Just take this ex-relationship as a lesson in what not to do and who not to trust or tolerate and do better the next time around. And yes, you will find someone else. It's practically impossible not to if you're busy and having fun and living life. So get to it and leave this one in your taillights. P.S. It's typical for a$$hats to run you down verbally and try to convince you what a prize they are and you aren't. That's a manipulation tactic to try and make you accept their mistreatment plus them feeling guilty deep inside and trying to negate it by frantically trying to convince you that you somehow deserved it or he wasn't so bad. Well, he was. This guy is a walking nightmare and I'd have dumped him at the side of a road with a long walk back into town to maybe mull over the error of his ways while I moved my stuff out and never looked back. Suggest you do the same. Only don't take him anywhere, just block, delete, move on and never look back. If he asks to talk a "Are you Fing joking? NOOOOOOO!!!!" is the only response you should give, if any. P.P.S. You get your self-respect back by hitting the gym, finding a new favorite activity, and vowing never to put up with 1/10th of what this joker put you through in the future. The fact is you need to build up your own boundaries and a list of what you will and won't put up with in the future, what red flags are and what ones he clearly displayed (like the suicidal thoughts and the zero commitment to you while expecting you to be there whenever he wanted it, telling you he didn't love you etc.) AND how you will never make that mistake again will help. We all make mistakes. We all do things we aren't proud of. That just makes you human, same as the rest of us. The trick is to never repeat those mistakes again. And that you can do and do well. In time you will heal and think of him as the lesson learned in what you never want in the way of a partner, a friend, or even so much as an acquaintance. You will recover and be your usual fabulous self while he...will always be an a&&hat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunshineHeart Posted January 8, 2016 Author Share Posted January 8, 2016 thank you so much. i think my biggest regret is letting it go on for so long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 thank you so much. i think my biggest regret is letting it go on for so long. Then don't let him rob you of a positive outlook on your future by sinking into the small vision of regret. We can't learn anything without trial and error and making mistakes, so consider this a milestone that taught you the value of observing people who hold up pretty words like shiny objects. Learn whether they will back those words up and EARN your trust with their behavior. Head high. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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