Me and the new guy, should I get mad at this?

[dontknowwhattodo]

Whoa I don't know if I should be mad. Guys, please let me know what you think about this situation. All of this was from chatting with my supposedly new guy whom I know for about 4 months.

 

Sun Feb 13

 

We chit-chatted and then he said

 

him: how about the dinner tomorrow night?

 

me: everywhere will be packed tomorrow (which was v-day), how about today or tuesday?

 

him: you are not romantic

 

me: I am romantic but a friend of mine called 15 restaurants just to get a table for him and his date, so I think there is no point for us to go out and

hunt for the table

 

him: that is ture but I cannot do today

 

me: ok, then how about tuesday?

 

him: Monday is good, Tuesday is good too

 

me: ok Tuesday then

 

me: don't you have to go with your group on Tuesday (he plays sport on Tuesday)

 

him: not this week, my bro will be in town but he won't get in until late

 

me: if so, we can do the dinner other time so that you don't have time constraint

 

him: no i want to see you

 

me: ok, Tuesday then

 

him: deal, whatever you want

.....

.....

 

I asked him to think about where we would go for the dinner and he agreed to do so.

 

Fast forward to Monday Feb 14, we didn't talk all day except that he left a message saying happy v-day and I replied back.

 

Tuesday Feb 15

We again chit-chatted and it was already afternoon. He didn't say anything about the dinner so I brought it up.

 

me: so are we still up for the plan?

 

him: well, do you want to take the train over here, if so we still could meet (he was already downtown while I was 30 minutes away by the train or by car)

 

me: given the time constraint, I could take the train in if it is not raining

 

him: yeah, if you are willing to take the train back and forth, I want to make sure that I am at the airport when my bro arrives, if it is raining and you don't want to take the train I understand

 

me: hahaha, I am not willing to take the train back and forth

 

him: well I can come over to your hood next week for sure

 

me: it is up to you (I started to get mad)

 

him: hehe, you are not being helpful

 

me: I don't know, but i don't want to come home by train when it is late

 

me: so you can either pick up your bro and come drop me off and you go home with your bro, or we cancel the dinner

 

him: I got to go to a meeting now

 

me: I will have to play hard to get with you now because you always bail on me

 

him: I didn't mean it to be that way, let's do it other time so that I could drive you and make it a date

 

me: yeah, see you in 3 months

 

me: I mean it

 

Then later

 

him: just got out of a meeting

 

me: hello, how may I help you sir

 

him: ok, smartie

 

me: excuse me sir

 

him: I'm sorry the timing isn't working out, and I just found out i have a business dinner tonight too, I know you're pissed and you have every right to be

 

me: no, I have no right to be pissed but I deserve my right to reject bad treatment

 

him: fair enough

 

me: do whatever you need to do

 

him: I know, and I know you have to do the same

 

me: sure

 

Then we ended the conversation.

 

I got mad because I offered to change the dinner to other day but he insisted it (he knew it upfront that he would be busy). Another reason was he didn't tell me that he was thinking about cancelling the dinner until I asked him.

 

What do you think? Was I over-reacted? Was I wrong? I ended up apologize him for being childish but I still thought that part of it was his fault.

[MetallicAguy]

It seems to me like your annoying him, and that he actually did want to see you, you just over-reacted about it.

[MetallicAguy]

Oh yeah, and it kinda sounds like he's cheating and he's making excuses not to see you. I recognize this kind of situation. Some people I knew a while back were like that, they'd always make an excuse not to see you, basically the point is you know they're full of s*** when they make an excuse for everything. Plus if the guy really wanted to see you the conversation wouldn't be that weak and he wouldn't really give a s*** if he had a meeting or not or had to pick his brother up at the airport.

[traz]

I'd have to say you severely overreacted...and actually came off quite immature from the convo's you posted.

 

I have no idea what you're like, I know nothing about you, and I don't mean anything too personal. I'm just telling you what I thought...if my gf did that to me, I'd take her up on that 3 month offer and stop talking to her.

 

That being said, I think it's fair that you were upset that you couldn't have dinner for valentine's day, and that he was expecting you to go back and forth on the train. That part is valid...but your reaction was unneccesary.

[dontknowwhattodo]

Hm..with this guy, he always seems like he has something behind my back. He always comes for 2 weeks and then will be gone completely for a few weeks. It seems like he is also seeing someone else too while his excuse is he is busy with work and the travels. I told him we were in the US and there were phones everywhere. He never called me when he traveled. He actually rarely called me by phone (I knew him for 4 months so far, he called me 3 times). All of our conversations were online.

 

I knew that I was being childish given the situation. But this was not the first time he did this to me.

[MetallicAguy]

He's definetely cheating....I have no idea why guys do this and I'm a guy myself! I've never cheated on anyone and I have no idea why someone would and hurt their gf, I mean it's not that hard to break up. What an a******. Basically if I were you dump the guy right now, your life is better off without him.

[dontknowwhattodo]

I told him yesterday that I would not talk/chat with him again unless we could talk the way normal people do (i.e, on the phone, in person). I told him it has been a few months on and off and we should know what directions we wanted to go. And if I am not worth his phone minutes or if he has something to hide, then we should go separate ways before we hurt each other.

[DN]

With respect to MetallicGuy, it is usually a mistake to say that someone is cheating unless you have definite proof. Suspicion is one thing, proof another.

 

It seems to me that both of you are rally bad at communication. If one of you said lets meet on this day at this time at this place, most of this could have been avoided.

 

As in most aspects of a relationship define what you want and then go about achieving it. Indefinite, amorphous arrangements only work when both people are ok wuth them - most people need them clearly stated.

[justagirl20f]

My opinion? He's just not that into you. Seriously. Guys jump through hoops for girls they're into. If you're okay with someone who expects you to jump through hoops for them (or else not see each other, cuz hey, he's got a life) then by all means... This relationship is young enough you can probably change things around if he has the inclination to fall for you. It's also young enough you'll get over him if you gather your dignity and leave him on his own.

 

Read "Why Men Love B*****s" and "The Rules" and play around with incorporating some of the principles into your relationship (and future relationships).

 

Oh, and Honey, you never TELL the guy you're gonna hafta play hard to get. You just do, and he wonders why, and then tries to figure out what it is you need to be happy. If you TELL him you're playing games, it defeats the purpose. Don't use the threat of playing hard to get as a warning, in order not to have to actually play hard to get. Just DO it. Threatening with it irritates guys and doesn't work in your favour.

 

Good luck!

[DN]

The problem with "The Rules" and similar books are that they suggest you pretend to be someone you are not, that you be manipulative and play games, instead of being honest and forthright in your relationship. And although the authors claim their ideas worked for them at least one of them has since been divorced, probably because her husband finally saw through trhe deceit and found out what she was really like!!

[justagirl20f]

That's not true... You're not supposed to change who you are. Just be less of a doormat. Heck I own all the books and I don't follow all (or even most) of the rules just the ones that apply to my situation.

 

Some girls need to read and study the EXTREME (like "The Rules") in order to behave somewhere in the middle. I personally like "Why Men Love B*****s" better, because it's more fun to read. Another good one (and very applicable here) is "He's Just Not That Into You"

[DN]

As I posted on another forum a few days ago, these sort of books have come and gone over the years, from the "How to be a Good Housewife" books on pleasing the 'breadwinner' of the 1950s to the sort of books you are advocating now. After a few years the books are laughable, sometimes for the naivete of the writer but mostly for the naivete of the target reader.

 

None of them last for long because the basic flaw in all of them is that they fail to recognise that we are all unique human beings and cannot be pigeon-holed with neat and concise labels, or made to conform to silly, sexist stereotypes.

 

The authors of books like this like to publish quotes from people who say that following their advice worked and now they are happy. They don't acknowledge that these relationships may well have occurred had these people not followed their advice, and they certainly never carry quotes from people who followed the rules exactly and failed to find anyone at all.

 

Human beings are not machines that come with an instruction manual, we behave in different ways depending on many factors that go to make up who we are. The best advice in any relationship is to be honest, forthright, non-manipulative and to present yourself as you are - not packaged and trained to be something you are not and to behave in a way that is foreign to your nature. To do otherwise is essentially deceitful.

[Mun]

I see two problems here.

 

First of all he wanted to see you on Valentines and you argued that you would not find a table. I see your point, but honey, the man wanted to see you that day-he wasn't thinking there was no tables and you should have let him. Then he said you were not romantic ( you were practical) but he was thinking of YOU--he wanted to see you on Valentines Day! yikes, you missed that one . For future reference when a man wants to see you and you think- he can't afford it, we won't get a table or anything practical like that- dont say a thing and let him. He wants to do nice things for you, don't squash him.

 

The second thing is that he made plans with you for another day so that he could drive you and you wouldn't have to take the train back and forth. How nice of him. He was trying to be a gentleman and then you blew up at him because he doesn't want to see you when YOU want--that's the way I see it anyway.

 

I wonder if the reason he is not calling as much as you'd like, or calling from his trips is that he gets a very upset girlfriend when he does call. How do you generally react to him? Are you annoyed alot of the time?

 

I think in this case you are trying to control the relationship. Stop. Let it unfold on it's own and see what this guy is made of. Let him make plans with you and treat you nice. Say yes more often instead of arguing or trying to get YOUR way. Just try it.

 

and yea.. don't tell him you will play hard to get. That just tells him you want to manipulate him. If you are feeling unappreciated just make yourself less available, do your own thing for awhile. He will either miss you and come around or leave you well enough alone.

 

Love

[dontknowwhattodo]

Yes, I see your point. No excuse, I knew I did it wrong (which I already apologized to him the next day). I have never annoyed anyone before and I don't know why I react to him like this. In the past relationships I always be a nice and loving girl but things became bitter no matter how nice I was. So I guess I was trying the new way which obvioulsy was wrong and didn't work as well.

 

We have rarly talked on the phone, although we chatt a lot. He has a secret reason behind that which I try to figure out. Me annoying him is not the issue because we rarely call each other. The only 3 times he called were when he arrived at my complex and asked me to come down. I think I will step back from him and see how it goes. I have never known this guy's whereabouts and I don't fully trust him. This is the first time I have a trust issue with any guy and I am working on it. Thank you all for your advices.