Brokenheart99 Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 Yeah perhaps, idk. I'm trying to set up meets first before anything else. Online dating is tricky and frustrating, so I avoid it as much as possible. I prefer meeting people organically. So I texted this dude saying I was busy at work and asked if we could talk on the phone later tonight. He said yeah just text him when I'm free and he will call. So let's see I suppose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Yeah perhaps, idk. I'm trying to set up meets first before anything else. Online dating is tricky and frustrating, so I avoid it as much as possible. I prefer meeting people organically. So I texted this dude saying I was busy at work and asked if we could talk on the phone later tonight. He said yeah just text him when I'm free and he will call. So let's see I suppose. Then don't date online. Use the site just as a quick way to make that first contact then meet "organically" in person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 5, 2016 Author Share Posted January 5, 2016 So update: He called last night, convo was good. Flowed easily, we have a lot in common. Overall he seems like someone I would wanna get to know more. But, he mentioned he has to fly out for three weeks to finish up A class for school and go to an interview, so the whole convo of meeting didn't even come up 😡 Urgh. And then after an hour(because I didn't want the convo to drag on and people say to hang up at the peak), I said I had to go and hung up. I thanked him for calling etc. but he never mentioned about calling again or seeing me or anything. This was last night and I have yet to hear from him. Maybe I will, but I'm just betting not. Sigh, what a bummer but oh well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 You'll see. I would not chat much throughout his 3 weeks away. He might not want to set a time to meet that much in advance. I had that situation once -took us 6 weeks to meet, partly because of out of town travel. We dated for 3 months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 5, 2016 Author Share Posted January 5, 2016 I mean maybe? But I doubt it, I think he's just not interested. If he were, I think he would have messaged by now. It's just been my experience but I could be wrong. this happens so much to me, I think the convo went well and then I never hear again. I need to learn some phone game haha, these guys just get put off so much. I'm starting to wonder if I'm weird lol. Though I'm fairly certain, Just gonna ask, but I shouldn't reach out first, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 I wouldn't at this point. It happened a lot to me too but I moved on as soon as the convo was over unless we had a time/place plan to meet or a plan to confirm a time/place plan on a specific day. Otherwise -bye bye off the radar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 5, 2016 Author Share Posted January 5, 2016 Okay, I was thinking that since I had hung up the phone and ended communication, that I was supposed to reach out first? But I don't know. All this is so confusing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 5, 2016 Share Posted January 5, 2016 In my opinion if after an hour of talking he didn't suggest meeting and didn't say "wait - let's make a plan" or similar when you said you had to go then he is not interested in meeting in person (and that might be because he is going away) . Of course if you hung up abruptly that's a different story - just like leaving a date or first meet without saying "thank you" or "so nice meeting you". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 5, 2016 Author Share Posted January 5, 2016 So he ended up texting, thankfully I didn't have to. But it's just small talk, no mention of meeting. So I guess he's just bored/pass time, oh well whatever. Funny thing is, even though I kinda liked him and he is easy to talk to(though I won't lie, sometimes he seems slow), a part of me gets so overwhelmed(it happens with all guys). I've always wondered why, idk what it is. Either way, I guess onto the next. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 It's fine to feel overwhelmed. The key is to work on your reaction. I just had to do that 30 minutes ago. Because I chose a reaction that was strong, firm, holding it together rather than losing it because of feeling overwhelmed I had a successful outcome and the initial issue is less likely to happen again. Sure, the "why" is ultimately important (because at some point the source of it might be relevant to decreasing the feeling) but in the short term, what's far more important when you feel overwhelmed in a situation like this is to work on your reaction - stay strong in your mindset that this is a near stranger who has not yet shown interest in meeting despite lengthy conversations. Decide from that perspective -not an "oh I am so overwhelmed!" perspective - how much more time you are willing to invest in idle chit-chat given that that is all he seems to want and he is leaving for 3 weeks. I wanted to get married. I had no time -emotionally or practically -for idle chit chat or hours of go nowhere conversation. What about you? On to the next sounds like a plan - do as much self-talk as possible to stay on the straight and narrow -not "overwhelmed" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 6, 2016 Author Share Posted January 6, 2016 Yeah so true, I try to focus on all the positives when I get overwhelmed, it helps some. But I wonder why I get it. Oh well, maybe some intimacy issues somewhere I'm sure. Anyway, yeah I agree with not wanting to waste time with idle chit chat. Thing is I don't know how keep the door open while not engaging in texting idly without seeming like I'm uninterested. Because just outright being upfront and saying lets just wait to meet up, I've gotten ignored doing that before. So I'm not real sure what the solution is. I'd rather know sooner, but then I get overwhelmed too when someone is interested early and pursuing. Lol what's wrong with me?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 How far from you does he live? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 Yeah so true, I try to focus on all the positives when I get overwhelmed, it helps some. But I wonder why I get it. Oh well, maybe some intimacy issues somewhere I'm sure. Anyway, yeah I agree with not wanting to waste time with idle chit chat. Thing is I don't know how keep the door open while not engaging in texting idly without seeming like I'm uninterested. Because just outright being upfront and saying lets just wait to meet up, I've gotten ignored doing that before. So I'm not real sure what the solution is. I'd rather know sooner, but then I get overwhelmed too when someone is interested early and pursuing. Lol what's wrong with me?? I met over 100 men and interacted with hundreds. Out of those I chatted more than a few times with maybe 3 of them, before meeting. What about you? Make sure a first meet is scheduled by the end of the first call or at most by the second call if there is a good reason he can't schedule a first meet. Text/email 2-3 times before the phone call at the most. No reason to show interest by texting to a stranger. Show interest in meeting in person by suggesting it by the end of the first phone call if he does not. Talk for about 20 minutes to screen for safety and general compatibility that could last for a 45-minute first meet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 6, 2016 Author Share Posted January 6, 2016 I've met maybe like 10-15, chatted with a ton but nothing significant. Either way, as an update, while we were texting, he mentioned he was going to be in my area this weekend with his bro(he lives 2-2.5 hours away). He asked me what my plans are this wknd, I told him and he just told me he's coming to town this wknd with his brother. I recommended he try out some restaurant. He said he's just coming to town with his bro and has nothing planned. I mean is he just shy or does he not wanna meet? Why can't he just ask to meet? I don't mind asking but again it goes back to the whole the chasing thing doesn't work out well for me. And I've also gained like 6 lbs in my post break up depression 😂 Great lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 I've met maybe like 10-15, chatted with a ton but nothing significant. Either way, as an update, while we were texting, he mentioned he was going to be in my area this weekend with his bro(he lives 2-2.5 hours away). He asked me what my plans are this wknd, I told him and he just told me he's coming to town this wknd with his brother. I recommended he try out some restaurant. He said he's just coming to town with his bro and has nothing planned. I mean is he just shy or does he not wanna meet? Why can't he just ask to meet? I don't mind asking but again it goes back to the whole the chasing thing doesn't work out well for me. And I've also gained like 6 lbs in my post break up depression 😂 Great lol Nothing to do with chasing. He gave you an opening - so simply respond when he asked your plans "I have some plans but what did you have in mind?". You are not asking him out on a date. He is not asking you out on a date. He seems to want to meet up to see if in the future you two should go out on a date. At that point let him ask you out on a date if you want. He is not being shy -you're not responding in a productive way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 6, 2016 Author Share Posted January 6, 2016 Okay yeah, that's true. See, he had asked my weekend plans before he told me he was coming. So I had no idea he was hinting to meet. Either way, I'll try your approach. Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 Okay yeah, that's true. See, he had asked my weekend plans before he told me he was coming. So I had no idea he was hinting to meet. Either way, I'll try your approach. Thanks I don't think it's just a hint -it's the beginning of a conversation about making plans. It's not your mother or a friend who you know has plans asking casually what you are up to this weekend - he was probably trying to balance, in advance, whether it was worth it to visit this weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 He asked me what my plans are this wknd, I told him and he just told me he's coming to town this wknd with his brother What did you tell him your plans are? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 6, 2016 Author Share Posted January 6, 2016 Well I told him the truth, sporting event and a wedding/wedding reception. Either way, this guy...idk about him. So I messaged him saying "cool, i have some plans but did you want to do anything or have anything in mind?" And he vaguely responds saying anything..sports/food (again no mention of going with me, just a general response). So at this point I was kinda frustrated and so I said bummer I would take you to the game but I don't have an extra ticket. And he said it's fine we can grab coffee. I asked when and he just ignored and responded to some other thing I said. ...whatever I'm tired of his vague here nor there bs lol. Next. Man up and ask or just leave me be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 What's the deal with "man up?" He is not supposed to ask you out on a date. You're a stranger that he might meet for coffee to see if he wants to ask you out on a date in the future. Having said that I agree that the ball is in his court to set a time/place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 7, 2016 Author Share Posted January 7, 2016 Well I guess I say man up, because I feel like he should be a bit more assertive in putting this together. I know this isn't a date but his meandering is unattractive to say the least hah. But what's frustrating is that given the weekend is approaching soon, I hate getting a Friday afternoon text to meet "Saturday morning for coffee". It seems rude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 It's not rude but could be clueless. If he doesn't make a firm plan by tomorrow I would decline to meet and politely respond "sorry but when I did not hear from you I assumed you could not make it". I didn't realize you use "man up" to mean "assertive" - I thought you meant it to be gender-specific. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James516 Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 This is a long thread but I don't think anyone has actually written the most likely situation - he has at least one woman who he is more interested in. He's placating you in case the other one (or others) don't work out. As a guy, we don't text/phone babble....then not make plans..... with a woman we really want to see. If a guy is interested, he will lock in plans with her quickly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 If a guy is interested, he will lock in plans with her quickly. Exactly. The OP has done everything to show him she's interested and wants to meet him. It's up to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 7, 2016 Share Posted January 7, 2016 Exactly. The OP has done everything to show him she's interested and wants to meet him. It's up to him. Yes, that is true in dating. Here we're talking about two strangers deciding if they should meet to see IF they should actually go on a date. Out of the dating context, I agree that flakiness on either part is at least annoying and at worst a red flag for the future. I don't think it has to do with gender in this case (and yes I would if we were talking about a guy not asking a gal on a first date). I do think in general he is not sufficiently interested in meeting (and that could be a general thing -he likes the flirting with strangers thing) and I would have stopped being in contact far before this point if I were she but I had specific marriage-related goals when it came to using dating sites. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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