Brokenheart99 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 So I sorta met this guy, we haven't met yet but maybe this wknd or next(depending on our schedules). Anyway we had been texting all day for the last few days. And yesterday afternoon he texted saying we should talk on the phone finally. And I said yeah sure that sounds like a great idea. He just said awesome and I haven't heard since? I mean i don't know, I'm sure I can message first and stuff but I'm tired of chasing guys. It never ends well for me and they end up disrespecting me and lose interest. What do you guys think? Should I leave it be and wait for him or? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Well, he has your number (since he's been texting you) and you said talking on the phone is a great idea, so, it's up to him to call you. I wouldn't reach out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoF Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Stop texting all day......or at all. And get out there and meet guys in person and get to know them in person. It's the ONLY way that works. Over text crap = creating fantasy land that is far from reality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkladybug Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Just leave it, let him contact you. Don't stress too much on it or be needy cause guys and girls do not like that. Just act cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TMifune Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 If you're interested just call him. All this coy "if he's interested he'll call" crap is just beating around the bush. Feels like game-playing to me. If you want to talk to someone, call them. If you don't don't. But don't sit on the sidelines upset because you wish they'd call you. Alternatively go buy a pint of mint-chocolate chip ice cream and a copy of "The Rules" and cry yourself to sleep watching sappy romantic comedies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 If you're interested just call him. All this coy "if he's interested he'll call" crap is just beating around the bush. Feels like game-playing to me. If you want to talk to someone, call them. If you don't don't. But don't sit on the sidelines upset because you wish they'd call you. Alternatively go buy a pint of mint-chocolate chip ice cream and a copy of "The Rules" and cry yourself to sleep watching sappy romantic comedies. If someone says they will call then the ball is in their court especially in a new acquaintanceship or situation where you're interacting with a stranger on line you might meet for a potential date. It's not game playing. It's showing others how to treat you -with basic respect and basic reliability. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TMifune Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 If someone says they will call then the ball is in their court especially in a new acquaintanceship or situation where you're interacting with a stranger on line you might meet for a potential date. It's not game playing. It's showing others how to treat you -with basic respect and basic reliability. Sure, but "we should talk on the phone" is absolutely not the same as "I'll call you". Now we can have an entire discussion about whether he should be more direct and take the lead, but it sounds like he didn't. He left it ambiguous. I just think rather than dwelling in the ambiguity, just take the initiative and call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Sure, but "we should talk on the phone" is absolutely not the same as "I'll call you". Now we can have an entire discussion about whether he should be more direct and take the lead, but it sounds like he didn't. He left it ambiguous. I just think rather than dwelling in the ambiguity, just take the initiative and call. In this particular case I would err on the side of letting the guy call. I agree it is somewhat ambiguous and the OP had a hand in creating the ambiguity by texting this much with a stranger before meeting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 To be honest, everyone I know texts like this before meeting nowadays. 5 years ago, sure we called and met first in person. But texting has become such a huge part in dating lately. We would have met sooner however he just happens to be out of town due to holidays. And when he started texting it's Too rude to ignore and say I would rather meet first/I'm not big on texting, because that's just how everyone I know does it nowadays. Texting is the new phone call. I might be wrong but I think I might let him call. In the past, I would have probably called and been like I don't like playing games etc. but idk, it's not working for me and you teach people how to treat you, right? One lesson I've always learned is that people will do what they want to. If he is interested and wants to talk, he will call. If not, then I guess he was never that interested to begin with and its best I find out now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TMifune Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I might be wrong but I think I might let him call. In the past, I would have probably called and been like I don't like playing games etc. but idk, it's not working for me and you teach people how to treat you, right? One lesson I've always learned is that people will do what they want to. If he is interested and wants to talk, he will call. If not, then I guess he was never that interested to begin with and its best I find out now. Couldn't he be looking at his phone thinking the exact same thing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 Here's what happened with the last few guys I dated. They stopped responding or didn't initiate a date, so I figured "oh let me call because this is 2015 and maybe I shouldn't be so prideful." So I contacted first, they respond and talk back because they are polite and it's rude to ignore. I end up liking them a little more and ultimately they just fade out again and stop talking again. And my ex before last, jerk that he was. After meeting me, he kinda went Mia(conveniently a fan emergency happened the same time), so I initiated contact etc. he responded back, we dated a few months, but it was just a fling for him. He kept it going because he just wanted fun, I just didn't realize that until two months in until I point blank asked if this was going anywhere and he gave me some vague response of let's talk soon and ghosted. So idk maybe I'm just cynical now? This is what I think, but I could just be bitter. Hence I asked here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TMifune Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I understand it's your choice, and I'd rather you don't get hurt again either. But I think that's more a matter of having those conversations earlier, about what each of you is looking for etc than it is a matter of who makes the phone call. I was just pointing out that it looks like that telephone equivalent of a middle-school dance to me....standing on opposite sides of the room each wishing the other person would walk across and say something. Either way, good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 No I mean I completely see your side and I kinda agree too. I'm just kinda confused haha. I'm sure I'll end up contacting once eventually and then leave it after that. Hate dating. 😖 Thanks guys! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Texting gives you no relevant information (while a phone call gives more) about whether to meet in person and also encourages just being a chat buddy the way that a focused phone call does not. In the "old days" there were many men who wanted to instant message (same as texting) and I didn't play because I wanted an eventual spouse not a chat buddy and I didn't have time for chat buddies. You are not involved in dating this guy yet. This is a stranger you are typing to see if you should meet in person and then to see if there should be a first date -you are two steps removed from dating. Texting while dating regularly is better because then you also are actually dating the person and have experience in person. If you contact make sure there is no commentary - just matter of fact "hi -when is a good time to talk by phone to see if we should meet in person?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 This is very true too. So I guess in this situation I should just leave it, since he's just texting and not pursuing anything more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Here's what happened with the last few guys I dated. They stopped responding or didn't initiate a date, so I figured "oh let me call because this is 2015 and maybe I shouldn't be so prideful." So I contacted first, they respond and talk back because they are polite and it's rude to ignore. I end up liking them a little more and ultimately they just fade out again and stop talking again. Exactly my experience, too. Well, not the last few guys I dated but every single time I've reached out first at someone who had stopped texting or hadn't asked for another date within a few days of the first/second one, etc, it turned out he just wasn't interested. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 So I ended up texting him(Bc idk I'm a soft person at heart and I would rather try than wonder). He responded, just small talk, where do you work blah blah. I think I'm just gonna respond with "I'm swamped at work today, wanna talk later tonight when I get off work? I'm free around so and so time." Or is that too forward? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sportster2005 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I'm sure I can message first and stuff but I'm tired of chasing guys. It never ends well for me and they end up disrespecting me and lose interest. What do you guys think? Should I leave it be and wait for him or? You're not chasing, you're reciprocating. I don't think this is why you are having bad luck with men. On the contrary, if a woman expects me to do all the heavy lifting I look elsewhere. I pursue and make a woman feel desired. But if she doesn't reciprocate, or initiate anything, I move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I think I'm just gonna respond with "I'm swamped at work today, wanna talk later tonight when I get off work? I'm free around so and so time." Or is that too forward? It's not too forward although I'd make sure he understands that talk means talk, not text. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 To me there was no wondering. I made sure communication was clear and I kept pre-meeting communication to a minimum. If I had not heard from the person I wouldn't wonder, I'd just have him off my radar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I think if you want to talk to him, call him; he sounds at least somewhat interested, and you never know, he could also be thinking to himself, "Every time I call a girl first, she loses interest right away. Maybe I'm being too pushy or needy; I should sit back and let this one call me." I think it's fine to text him and say "Hey, how about I call you when I get home from work. Is 7:00 p.m. ok?" If he seems to waffle, or you call and he doesn't answer, or he can't do that time but doesn't suggest another time, I'd say pull the plug on this one. About the texting thing: I agree that texting "all day" for days on end before even talking on the phone is a bit much. Anyone can say anything on text, and it takes little effort. I text a lot -- I prefer it to talking on the phone, especially for just mundane things (though I will have important conversations over the phone), but texting for hours/days on end, in my opinion, gives a false sense of intimacy/familiarity -- a feeling that you "know" someone who you don't really know at all. I would say moving to a brief phone call, then to setting up a meeting (a short meeting, in a very public place, for safety and comfort reasons) as soon as possible, is the best plan. When I met my current boyfriend, we exchanged 3-5 texts, which consisted of: "Would you like to meet for coffee this week?" "Sure. How's Wednesday?" "That works for me. What's a good time for you?" "How about 5:00?" "OK, let's meet at [name of coffee shop]." "Great! See you then!" That was it. We met 2 days later, having not texted at all after the initial texts. The great thing? No pre-existing ideas about the other person. No expectations. Just meeting someone for coffee to see if we wanted to go on an actual date (which we did, two days later!) It may not work for everyone, but in my opinion, especially nowadays with online dating, your best bet is to meet as quickly as possible, make it a brief meeting (unless it's clear you're both really interested, then you can extend it a bit as needed) in a very public place with a lot of people around (to avoid any bad surprises!) and give yourself an out if either of you isn't feeling it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 Man I need your strength batya haha. I start off thinking like that but then I think of what sportster says and what my guy friends will say too, then I get all confused. So I just went with my gut. I think I'll just tell him I'm busy at work but can we call later tonight? And see from there. Idk I don't have a good feeling about this anymore, but whatever, at least I find out early. Things shouldn't be this complicated with the right one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 Man I need your strength batya haha. I start off thinking like that but then I think of what sportster says and what my guy friends will say too, then I get all confused. So I just went with my gut. I think I'll just tell him I'm busy at work but can we call later tonight? And see from there. Idk I don't have a good feeling about this anymore, but whatever, at least I find out early. Things shouldn't be this complicated with the right one. I would say that, if you're going to ask for a phone call, ask to pin down a time. Tell him what time you get off work and ask what time after that is good for him, and then make a definitive time. If he says he can't but doesn't suggest any alternatives, that's your cue to let it go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brokenheart99 Posted January 4, 2016 Author Share Posted January 4, 2016 That is solid advice browneyed I think I'll do that. And yeah maybe I'll lay off texting so much, it was just he is outta town and we didn't have an option to meet for a few weeks. Texting hasn't worked out in the best way, so I'll try a different approach. Everyone can text multiple people etc, there's no sense of reality or intimacy to it. But I just find it so hard to get around it without getting shut out. I once told a guy I met online that I like keeping texts short and would rather meet in person because he wanted to FaceTime first(we lived 20 mins away, why the hell couldn't he meet first??) and at first he seemed okay, but then he got annoyed and said "well I might as well not bother asking you anything since you arent open to it" and stopped convo. There never seems to be a right answer huh, I guess it's just what works for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 4, 2016 Share Posted January 4, 2016 I think you're way ahead of yourself with what level of complication you will have with "the right one". He is a stranger you contacted on a dating site. You have no plan to meet in person and even if you do you might not decide to go on a first date. Reliability was very important to me when meeting new people particularly because my free time was so limited and I wanted to get married. What worked for me - met over 100 men in person through dating sites - we emailed once or twice, a phone number was provided, a 15-20 minute phone call where I did subtle safety screening and compatibility screening, a decision as to whether I felt I would enjoy meeting for about an hour in a public place, and then if he didn't suggest meeting I did. Vague response -end of contact unless he called at a future time with a specific time/place to meet. Off the radar. We talked again if we needed to confirm the plan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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