Ex got engaged - hurt

[Brokenheart99]

Yeah, I guess it's just a matter of time. Thanks guys, you all helped a lot

[Brokenheart99]

Update:

 

So my ex just texted me "happy new year, hope all is well". I still don't know if he is engaged or not. I've initiated contact with him previously and he would always just reply but he has never continued convo or initiated. A month ago I had initiated contact and he showed me pics from a trip he took and I complimented etc. he never continued convo. He has never initiated convo with me since we split till today.

 

I don't know if he's engaged or not. I mean it seems as so? But I haven't seen a picture of them together officially, just psycho detective work. And this text is probably his guilt talking. I don't know, should I respond or ignore? I kind of want to know if he's engaged or not to be honest, put some finality to this. But it also looks so pathetic if I text back with "happy new year too, how are you??"

[mhowe]

What does he have to feel guilty about? Getting on with his life?

 

Whether he is engaged or not is immaterial.

 

Look toward the future. Not in your rear view mirror...or you will hit a tree.

[Brokenheart99]

I guess to be honest, if he wants to try again I would love to too. So I guess I just want to know if this is his way of reaching out and starting convo, because this is kind of his style. And what a good response would be to casually let that convo come about. And if he doesn't want to and it's just a happy New Years text, then I will wish it back and let him go.

[mhowe]

I would go with the assumption it's simply a Happy New Year text, respond in kind and let it go.

[boltnrun]

Darn these holidays and these exes with their "Merry Christmas" and "Happy New Year" texts.

 

Little do they know the person they broke up with will see the text as a "sign" that they still love them and they want to get back together. When really, it's just someone being polite during the holidays, or they honestly do hope the person has a nice holiday with no "hidden" message.

 

For those of you who were the person who did the breaking up...do yourself and your ex a favor, and do NOT text them during the holidays or on their birthday! Because it will send them into a tailspin.

[Brokenheart99]

I wished him back in kind and mentioned something brief about traveling, so I guess if he wants to continue convo, there is his window. And if he doesn't continue convo(which I'm betting not), then I'll have my answer. If I know him at all, I think if he is engaged, his text is just a "I feel guilty text" that he moved on first and what he did to me when he broke up(I won't go into it here.) either way.

 

But you know, for the first time since we broke up, this is the first time I feel somewhat settled and at peace to a degree about this situation. I hope it lasts. But there was something so logical and touching about everyone's responses on this thread. And you all told me with such kindness and patience, thank you, it honestly put me at so much peace. I feel so much better than before. I'm okay letting him go and letting go of hope. I don't feel unsettled and pining over him. It's like everyone said, whether he was a jerk or not, whether or not karma will come for him, it doesn't matter. What matters is that we weren't right for each other. We were different people. I was kind and fair with him, at times I was crazy and emotional sure, but he lied and didn't try working things out, and he walked away, everytime. he was incredibly selfish. He always always did what was best for him and he lied and manipulated to get whatever selfish outcome he desired. And like everyone said, that had nothing to do with me. So why should I want someone like that? That's his future wife's problem. He wouldn't have changed with me but maybe he will or won't with her. And that's nothing personal, they were just a better fit.

 

I hope my clarity lasts.

[boltnrun]

When your "clarity" starts to fade, reread the second paragraph of your post above. Because it is spot on.

[eldasensei]

When I joined ENA back in '07, I was with a girl I was sure was the one. Fast forward 2 or so years later, and she was getting married, to someone else. I saw the Facebook pictures and all that crap. Saw the wedding registry etc. I was killing myself. What did I do wrong? How could this guy handle her in a way I couldn't (I left her, but it still stung)?

 

Fast forward to now - I did check up on her, just for kicks - she's a freaking mess, man. She hasn't changed a bit. I'm GLAD I didn't stay with her.

 

If this guy was manipulative, etc...you're gonna look back and thank your lucky stars. Hopefully you'll have found someone by then where you don't feel the need to check up and assure yourself that THAT person wasn't the one for you. Love will find you. Shoot, I'm still looking for it and I still believe.

 

Hug me bro

[eldasensei]

I wished him back in kind and mentioned something brief about traveling, so I guess if he wants to continue convo, there is his window. And if he doesn't continue convo(which I'm betting not), then I'll have my answer. If I know him at all, I think if he is engaged, his text is just a "I feel guilty text" that he moved on first and what he did to me when he broke up(I won't go into it here.) either way.

 

But you know, for the first time since we broke up, this is the first time I feel somewhat settled and at peace to a degree about this situation. I hope it lasts. But there was something so logical and touching about everyone's responses on this thread. And you all told me with such kindness and patience, thank you, it honestly put me at so much peace. I feel so much better than before. I'm okay letting him go and letting go of hope. I don't feel unsettled and pining over him. It's like everyone said, whether he was a jerk or not, whether or not karma will come for him, it doesn't matter. What matters is that we weren't right for each other. We were different people. I was kind and fair with him, at times I was crazy and emotional sure, but he lied and didn't try working things out, and he walked away, everytime. he was incredibly selfish. He always always did what was best for him and he lied and manipulated to get whatever selfish outcome he desired. And like everyone said, that had nothing to do with me. So why should I want someone like that? That's his future wife's problem. He wouldn't have changed with me but maybe he will or won't with her. And that's nothing personal, they were just a better fit.

 

I hope my clarity lasts.

 

Brokenheart trust me I know how you feel. I've been there. Truth is, you need to get rid of that false hope. I'ts keeping you stuck. In order to move on you need to stay in NC and face the truth. The truth is in your second paragraph. This man does not care about you at all. I know that is difficult to hear. And even if he did manage to marry someone new and develop a family. Remember that this has nothing to do with you. And you certainly deserve better then him and the ex before him. Remind yourself of this.

 

My friend used to tell me. "Hope is good, but don't hope on the wrong person. Hope on the right person". This person was not the right person. And you know that.

I think It's time for you to reflect on yourself and figure out who your right person is, or atleast detect the wrong person as fast as possible. For both you and the other.

Trust me, you will get over this, look back and laugh at the whole situation with the right person by your side.

[Brokenheart99]

Eldasensei -

 

What you said is 100% true. I need to shed that false hope. And I think I have for the most part,99%. I know myself well enough to say that I won't be able to 100% until I actually find out if he's truly engaged or with someone else or not. I keep telling myself he's not interested, I know he isn't. But I guess it's so hard to entirely close that door until I see him move on. But one day, I'll get there myself, I'm sure. The only thing I am left wondering is do selfish people change? He is incredibly self serving, he would lie to me about what he was doing Bc he prob thought I would judge or wouldn't accept/understand. and he would manipulate and lie to me when I was ready to leave him because of things he said or did to get me to stay. For instance, we had a discussion early on about religion, it slipped that he felt he was agnostic, and since I was kind of firm on religion, when he picked up on it, he backtracked and said he wasn't agnostic. thinking about it now, I'm sure that was a lie. Does that make him a jerk or just someone who was afraid of being unaccepted?

 

So I guess just on a general level, for discussion purposes, if he marries someone who is compatible with his beliefs and way of living, does that selfishness still come out somewhere in the marriage? I mean he won't need to lie with her because perhaps she is more accepting. I know these questions of mine dont matter and I should just move on, but I guess I'm an analytical person and things have to make sense in my head before I can file it away. This is the remaining part of the break up I struggle with still. Opinions would be great.

 

Anyway that being said, this thread has been so great, everytime I find myself slipping, i reread this. I can't begin to tell you how useful and helpful you guys have been. I wish you could remind me weekly.

 

He never replied to my new years by the way. I had said happy new year too, hope you get to travel more this year. If he was interested, or wanted convo, he could have responded. All he had to say was thanks how are you. He never did. He never has and he never will. He feels guilty/pity some and he was probably reciprocating back to me when I had texted well wishes a few months back. It meant nothing. He picked someone that was a better fit for him. And that's okay, it happens, life goes on.

[eldasensei]

I know it hurts right now what you are saying is that it all depends on him in order for you to move on. You let it all up in his hands. You give control away to him but you need to take control. You have to say no to this guy how much you even want this. Because you will get over this. You need to take the long and painful path to get to the best reward. That is you. You come first. The rest will catch up to you I promise. You have to face the truth and tell yourself that you deserve better then this. Even if he did get back to you it would not have worked. Not even if he came back after 2 years. It would not have worked. You can change as much as you want but truth is he was not willing to. He did not want to change for you. And you deserve better then that. Don't you think you are worth more then this treatment?

 

I know you want him back and find closure. But from experience I can tell, you won't find closure outside of you. Not even on this forum or with him. You can ask yourself so many "Why's" dig deeper as much as you can but you won't find that anwser. It's a bottomless pit.

Truth is Brokenheart99 He did not want to be with you for whatever reason. Maybe he found someone better from his perspective and kept you on the line, maybe he was a player, maybe he did not want commitment, maybe he got bored, maybe he wanted to be alone, maybe he got 10milion dollars and wanted it to spend on hookers and strippers. But I can tell you one truth. His reason for breaking up had nothing to do with you. Whatever his reasons were, his reasons were deffinittly selfish. But you won't find out why he left you. Truth is he left you. Thats all you need to know. You have no control over him leaving you, it was his choice and I know that hurts a lot. By asking these questions over and over and over you try to feel in control again. Feel like there is a chance if for example, you know it was your fault. So you could change yourself and hope he notices it. Hope for a reconciliation. But truth is that is not going to happen. But thats not bad. That is good. Why wouldn't you want a better guy then this?

 

Btw I also noticed from some of your posts that you try to find approval from others or subconciously seek for validation for whatever your insecurity is about yourself. Whatever your insecurity about yourself is you can only validate yourself. You can only convince yourself that you are great and nothing is wrong with you. If you can make yourself this insecure than the opposite is also possible. In order to believe that you are great or that you look great, nothing wrong with your appearance or whatever. You need to convince yourself in order to believe. Or else you wont stop seeking for (unhealthy) validation. You can do this. I believe that you can.

[Brokenheart99]

Yeah you're entirely right. I won't ever know why, I have my suspicions and I'm fairly certain they are right. And that's enough for me, because it makes sense to me that we weren't compatible. We were different people and because of that he couldn't feel that connection he wants to feel in a relationship. I get that and I think I can finally accept that. All I really wanna know is whether people's selfishness will still come out during marriage esp if both are compatible/similar? But I suppose I won't ever know the answer to that.

 

Anyway. Moving forward. I have a date this weekend if that's news, kinda excited about it. I don't feel the same sparks and excitement as I did with my ex as this guy seems a bit dry, but I'm gonna try taking everyone's advice and look for more stable dependable people. and give people a chance. If nothing else, hopefully it'll be fun and we will be friends.

 

You are 100% totally right about the validation thing. it's something I really am trying to change about myself, but I don't know how to. Roots back to poor self esteem. Everyone says that about me now. And dating, being rejected and constantly being left in friends and relationships doesn't do anything to help that. I constantly never feel good enough or that I'm doing something wrong, so I'm forever doubting myself. But I'm trying.

 

Thank you for the kind words and encouragement, It gives me strength

[Ms Darcy]

The only thing I am left wondering is do selfish people change? He is incredibly self serving, he would lie to me about what he was doing Bc he prob thought I would judge or wouldn't accept/understand. and he would manipulate and lie to me when I was ready to leave him because of things he said or did to get me to stay. For instance, we had a discussion early on about religion, it slipped that he felt he was agnostic, and since I was kind of firm on religion, when he picked up on it, he backtracked and said he wasn't agnostic. thinking about it now, I'm sure that was a lie. Does that make him a jerk or just someone who was afraid of being unaccepted?

 

You guys weren't right for each other. Prioritizing this question of selfishness is almost making it seem like you are more concerned with how he treats another woman versus your compatibility.

 

In this small paragraph, you glossed over two things. One, you were trying to leave him at least at one point. That's a huge clue that you weren't meant to be together. Second, you are religious. He's agnostic. That's straight out incompatibility. If he finds someone who is similarly agnostic, there won't be a need to lie to her about his relationship.

 

So, it's not a question of whether or not he'll be less "selfish" per your example. When you are compatible, one wouldn't need to lie, backtrack or downplay their beliefs. That would never work long term.

[Brokenheart99]

I guess that's my point..because he's compatible with her, he won't need to lie. That's kinda what I've been trying to say all along..he lied to me because My unacceptance of him led him to lie. That's what's been hard to accept, is he lied and was selfish to me, but he won't with someone who is more suiting to him. despite lying to me about his life/beliefs, he's selfish in general though, but overall I can tell he's not an awful person outright. He's just selfish a lot, and that's not just with me. Either way, it's incompatibility I suppose and all this doesn't matter in the long run. It's just a little hard not to take it personally and blame yourself though.

 

I just want it to make sense in my head, you know? It's easier to make peace with the fact that someone is a jerk and they're a jerk to everyone. But to find out they're just a lying jerk to me and good to others, idk it's harder to swallow. I know I shouldn't dwell and care, but I can't help but analyze and blame myself, it's my nature and just how I feel. One day closure will come haha.

[Davidator]

He lied to me because it was a reaction to my actions. He wasn't necessarily good to me and he had trouble in general being honest. But he was bad to me Bc I made him be. His fiancé won't make him be that way I suppose. It will work out.

 

In the end, it's my stupid mistake for bringing that out in him and losing a guy I loved. It always feels so unsettled.

 

 

This thought is so dangerous...

 

A good person does NOT do bad things to another because he was "forced" to do them... A good person will show integrity and just be loyal to his principles.

 

You are right that the thigs he did to you was because of what you did to him.. THE things he did to you. But he will do other things to whoever he is with that will be caused by the actions the new person do to him... (I hope you understand me. This sounded way clearer in my head)

 

Nobody could convince me to act in a way that doesn't match with how I am. If he was manipulative with her and not with you, maybe it's because she already does whatever he wants. Two things about this:

1. Is this what you'd like for yourself? Doing always what this guy says?

2. He WILL manipulate her as soon as he feels he needs it.

 

Trash this guy. You already know you only like the good part of him and his bad part will ruin your life. The world is full of funny, smart, nice and attractive guys out there.

[saluk]

Is it "selfish" of him to say he's not agnostic in order to make your relationship seem more compatible... or was he trying his best to make a union that doesn't make sense work by playing down the religion? It's a bit foolish and naive to act like you are someone else, but this is something most people do to some extent.

 

You are still focusing on the wrong questions Brokenheart99. He is not religious and you are. And that is something that is important to you. He didn't represent himself well in your relationship, and that honesty is what you want. How he is with someone else, in a better union? It doesn't matter. If he does better in a better union, that only proves that it is a better union and yours was not a healthy one! If he doesn't do better, it proves that he treats everyone poorly and always lies about who he is!

 

Either way is GOOD information. Those are the only two options that there are. EITHER the two of you are incompatible and he was honestly trying to make it work how he knew how and isn't a jerk in general, or you were incompatible and he always misrepresents himself to get his way. In both cases you are not compatible. You should not be with this man. Count yourself lucky that he has been taken from you and placed somewhere you cannot reach.

 

You need to let go of not only the hope that he might want to get you back someday, but the idea that if he rings that bell you will go running back. Desiring to be with someone so strongly that you are willing to overlook your biggest dealbreakers may not only make it harder to get over him, but also lead you to further bad relationships when you do.

 

In the same way that he may not need to lie about himself if he is with a better match; you will also not have to compromise the qualities you are looking for with someone who is more suitable for you. Relationships are soooooooo much easier when you are with someone of like mind and heart. You will be surprised.

[Brokenheart99]

Okay, that makes a lot of sense. A lot. I guess that's what it was. Religion/conservativeness that was his deal breaker, made him feel incompatible. It sucked not knowing why we ended so it caused my mind to wonder and ask so many wrong questions. But what you said makes a lot a lot of sense. It helps when you can move on and have others to look forward to to help gain this clarity. But you all's explanations have brought me so much clarity and closure. So much, I think I finally get it. We just weren't compatible and perhaps that brought out the worst in both of us. I still think he's a huge selfish jerk for the things he did to me that I haven't mentioned but overall I think somewhere he has some sense of decency. But that's besides the point.

 

Do I miss him and want him back? Sure, in ways. But in time that will fade. I fell in love with him and his style and understanding while we were together and that love will take time to fade. But I will get there hopefully but for the first time honestly since we split, do I finally have some closure and clarity, mainly because of you guys explanations and me understanding why we split. So I know I've said this a lot, but you don't understand how much it means to me and how much more at peace I feel. So thank you so much.

[saluk]

Glad we could help!

 

Again, you are saying that religion/conservativeness was HIS deal breaker. Was it not a deal breaker for you? And even if it is not a deal breaker, wouldn't it be easier to connect and feel close to someone if you were more like minded in this - and probably other - areas? Incompatibility as I think about it is never one sided. It's not that the relationship didn't work for one person, it's that, ultimately, even if it felt right to you, it wasn't actually working for BOTH people.

 

Nice to hear that you feel you are getting closer to closure. Hope you are able to keep moving closer along the path to finding peace. Yeah that feeling of wanting them back, is a tough one. But that's when you just have to get a hold of yourself and remind yourself of the facts. Reread some of the things here, or come up with new explanations that work with you. Reasons that you are better having broken up, because it will leave you available and open to whatever else is in store for you in the future, rather than tied down to the wrong person.

 

Keep writing if you need help!

 

I haven't seen my ex for two weeks. I'll be seeing her at church again on Sunday. The last time I saw her I did fine actually. I even talked to her about what she did on christmas break without really breaking a sweat. It's harder after spending a lot of time away. Be glad you aren't in close contact with him. Very very glad! It makes it hard to put them out of your mind completely. I don't think about her during the week, but I know that I have to put on my emotional armor when I walk into church and see them together. I'm still working on accepting their relationship. I feel very close, but it has been a rough few months of watching their courtship.

[Brokenheart99]

Honestly him not being religious isn't a deal breaker for me at all. We talked about this several times. I want him to be of the same religion but his level of religiousness, I don't care really at all. that's why I thought it was selfish when he backtracked from saying he was agnostic. He lied often though, saying his phone was out of battery when he didn't feel like talking, "losing" his phone, etc. thinking about it now, he probably just wasn't that interested but kept it going till he found better or just said why not. In ways, I think he just wasn't ready when he dated me and we weren't entirely compatible either. When he got upset or we had a fight, he used to silent treat and ignore me for an entire day or till he felt like talkin. Whatever it is, it's probably for the best. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells around him, wondering if I said something to put him off or if he stopped feeling in love with me etc. always felt insecure and unloved, which could explain why I acted needy and whatnot. Anyway.

 

Sure yeah, I hope the love and longing I have for him will fade one day. I think it will. There is a lot I miss about him but oh well, seems like we weren't meant to be. Life moves forward regardless of whether we want it to or not. Best thing you can do is move with it.

 

I can't imagine having to see your ex everyday. But (and this might make more sense in my head), sometimes I think seeing your ex is a good thing to help get over them. I don't mean being in contact. But, for me at least, when the guy breaks up with me, he is on a pedestal in my head. I have all these awesome images and ideas of how great and perfect he and his life is. I guess because I can't have him, I idealize him in ways. And moreso because he's not there, it's just a fantasy in my head that gets built up more and more. But in person, I can see what a loser and all the lame things they might do and over time that image of them fades. And I get over it. I don't know if it's the same for you. Seeing your ex with someone else can be torture though so props for keeping it together. Don't forget your ABCs. Always be cool. Hah. The first few months are the hardest, and you've already gotten through that, so hopefully it should get better here on out.

[Brokenheart99]

Uhm! Update: my ex just messaged me again. I haven't talked to him or messaged or anything since he wished me happy new year. I responded back in kind saying happy new year hope you get to travel again. And now he messaged saying somethinf jokingly about how he's gonna travel again and he blames me for it.

[spiritx]

Uhm! Update: my ex just messaged me again. I haven't talked to him or messaged or anything since he wished me happy new year. I responded back in kind saying happy new year hope you get to travel again. And now he messaged saying somethinf jokingly about how he's gonna travel again and he blames me for it.

 

blames you for traveling? i dont get what he is trying to get at

[Brokenheart99]

blames you for traveling? i dont get what he is trying to get at

 

It's just a joke..because I wished him more travel. It's just small talk, light joking. I don't know why he messaged me, I think he just feels guilty some, maybe he doesn't know what he wants. Oh well I was excited for a second but not anymore, I'm not going to think much of it. Means nothing.

[SURPRISE]

There is no point in getting back together with an ex if it was not your fault and they quit the relationship. Only bad things will come of that. How would you like to repeat the same heart ache you just went through even harder down the road? It's at very high odds that you will be doing so. I would say stop thinking about him and his stringing you along and move on. Block his number on your phone so he can't call or text is the first step! If someone is right for you, they won't risk losing you!