Ex got engaged - hurt

[Brokenheart99]

Im really sorry this is long. it's been a while since I've posted here. When I first joined ena 2-3 years back, I had gone through a horrible break up. It took me forever to heal. I finally did and I started dating again and met a guy I thought I would marry. We came so close to marriage. But in the end, he walked. I guess I have my suspicions and guesses as to why, but i'll never know because he never told me the real reason. He was the guy that changed everything for me. I never thought I would meet someone like him and that I could like so much. He had so much swagger and such a way about him. He was so understanding and open minded, exactly what I wanted in a guy.

 

Some part of me always thought he was just scared of commitment because of the way he ended things with me and his past. A part of me always thought that one day we would fall back together. That perhaps this was Gods plan for me in life, that maybe this is why I get rejected so much lately on dates, because me and him have a destiny together. I miss him so much. No other guy compares to him, every guy I meet I compare to him, because he had so much style and personality. He knew so well how to date a girl and talk to her. I miss his advice and understanding ways so much. He just had such a way about him that was so attractive to me.

 

But as my luck and life would have it, I'm pretty sure he just got engaged. I'm not 100% sure, but like 75%. It hurts so much. I feel like my world just came down. I know everyone here knows what it's like to have your heart crushed and the pain of a break up so I won't elaborate.

 

In so many ways, he was an awful person for how much he lied and manipulated me, but deep down I knew he was just scared. So he treated me badly(Maybe I brought it out in him) but he will treat her well. But him doing as many awful things as he did, he finds someone so quickly and exactly what he wants. I was so good to him. But karma rewards him and not me. Jerks get rewarded. Meanwhile I can't even get a call back from a guy anymore. I get rejected so often on dates, I'm starting to get a complex.

 

I'm not an ugly girl, I'm kind and caring and educated (not to be vain), maybe insecure and needy at times. But I'm 32 years old and I think I'm going to end up alone. Where is my good karma? I miss my ex. It kills me to not be the one he chose. What does she have that I don't? Everything feels so unfair. I lived by the book, I was kind, nice, obedient, a good daughter and gf and friend and person, yet life has been so hard these past ten years for me. Meanwhile he was terrible and life is so great to him. It feels so unfair.

 

I want to experience love. To fall in love and have it be reciprocated. I've rarely had that without issue or being brutally taken away shortly. I'm so tired of being alone and lonely. The tears just won't stop coming. I miss him so much, I don't even think my mind can accept that he is engaged, I keep trying to find excuses that it's not true.

 

Life has been so hard for me these past 10 years, so many bad things have happened to me, more than I care to share here. I have tried being so positive and hoping that it will get better but it's just been one thing after another. I just don't have it in me anymore. This was the last straw. It hurts too much.

 

I'm not quite sure what this post was for. And I apologize if it sounds like pity. I just felt incredibly sad and lost and hopeless, like this deep ache in my soul. This overwhelming sadness. I just feel really down right now so I thought I would post. Kind gentle words would be great. Thanks friends.

[Seymore]

When I joined ENA back in '07, I was with a girl I was sure was the one. Fast forward 2 or so years later, and she was getting married, to someone else. I saw the Facebook pictures and all that crap. Saw the wedding registry etc. I was killing myself. What did I do wrong? How could this guy handle her in a way I couldn't (I left her, but it still stung)?

 

Fast forward to now - I did check up on her, just for kicks - she's a freaking mess, man. She hasn't changed a bit. I'm GLAD I didn't stay with her.

 

If this guy was manipulative, etc...you're gonna look back and thank your lucky stars. Hopefully you'll have found someone by then where you don't feel the need to check up and assure yourself that THAT person wasn't the one for you. Love will find you. Shoot, I'm still looking for it and I still believe.

[HLnoelle]

I feel you. My ex actually got married to someone else while we were still "dating" without my knowledge. Granted it was only like a month or two before he broke up with me, but still it's such a terrible thing to do I can't help but laugh at that sometimes it's so crazy. People clearly aren't perfect. The best we can do is choose how to react to their actions. I totally relate to the checking up on them urge. It sucks, and it's hard to break that. Hell I'm still trying to break it. Some days I can go a few days without looking, and then I get bored and do it and I hate myself for being so weak to do that. It's like even though he treated me badly at times indirectly, I can't get rid of the love I developed for him during all those times we spent time together. So I get what you're going through. Just do your best to stay busy. This post was a good reminder for me to STOP internet stalking him on social media. UGH. Makes me feel icky. Good luck, and stay strong you will find someone.

[saluk]

Marriage is not a prize. Karma isn't rewarding him. He just happens to be getting married to someone now, and that person happens to not be you. Marriage is FOREVER. Or at least until the messy divorce. The prize is the GOOD marriage, and it can take time to know if you've gotten that prize or not. This new girl, she is going to be married to this lying, manipulative guy. And even though he's getting married, guess what - he still has to live with himself until the day he dies.

 

If you can learn to be good company for yourself, that is the real prize. Because then, married or not, family or not, friends or not, you will at least have someone that you enjoy spending time with. And when you are with people, when you do have the family, the marriage, and the friends, you still have at least one person there who you really dig, even when the other people have a bad day and don't bring their A game.

 

I'm 32, and my ex just got engaged. It's tough for sure, and I've been there to watch their relationship grow and identify with that "being replaced" feeling - especially with all of the ways he and I are similar. But she didn't choose him over me. For whatever reason, we didn't work, and they do - at least so far. Remember, it's not like marriage is a get out of jail free card! She still has to live life, and there will still be (probably many) sucky days. And apart from her and even when I struggle to get dates, at least I can still find joy in little things for myself. When I do finally get married, I want someone who is going to make my life that much better, and I don't think long term she would have been that person for me. As much as I thought she was the one. Since I am observing your situation from the outside, I really think if that is true for my situation, it is even more true for yours.

 

Every rejection is a match that was not going to work out, and puts you closer to finding the right one. At the same time, remember that you are also the prize for the right guy who eventually will choose you. And you are a prize that you can start enjoying now, without waiting for him to come along.

 

The good thing about them getting married is the finality. That aspect can be so shocking, but after a while I think it helps to close those "maybe we will get together again" doors that we leave open. It's God, or the universe, telling you that no, he's not the guy you are going to end up with - you are free to explore other options when they appear. (Wherever those dang opportunities are hiding!)

[HLnoelle]

100 percent agree with what saluk said about the finality aspect of your ex getting married. It's a lot easier to deal with in my opinion.

[Brokenheart99]

Everyone's responses are so touching.

 

I think he lied to and manipulated only *me*. Whether he truly is that way, I don't know. He lied to me because he was afraid I wouldn't accept him of his promiscuous past and ways etc. think of Barney from how I met your mother. It's not that I wouldn't have accepted him, I guess at the time it was hard for me to swallow and I phrased it poorly. I was stupid and handled it badly. But it was damaging enough for him to lose that connection and feel unaccepted and so he walked. And I don't think I even realized that until it was way too late. He lied to me because it was a reaction to my actions. He wasn't necessarily good to me and he had trouble in general being honest. But he was bad to me Bc I made him be. His fiancé won't make him be that way I suppose. It will work out.

 

In the end, it's my stupid mistake for bringing that out in him and losing a guy I loved. It always feels so unsettled.

 

You are right, marriage isn't the prize. But love is. Ive never felt the way I did with him with anyone. That love, happy feeling.

 

I've written 5 paragraphs that I've deleted because I just don't know what I'm trying to say. I just feel so disconnected from everything, I feel like my mind is in a haze. just inconsolably sad. My mind hasn't accepted that he's engaged even though I'm sure it's true. I just really miss him.

[HLnoelle]

I blame myself too a lot, it's hard not to when you feel you've lost something special.

[Willywagtail]

You didn't make him be or do anything. He was already that.

 

Your actions didn't create a manipulator or a liar. He was already that.

 

Your actions didn't send him into the arms of another woman. That was his choice.

 

Stop beating yourself up. You did the best you could do under the circumstances. You're not at fault here, the only reason you may be at fault is for twisting yourself into a pretzel to try to please him.

 

You dodged a bullet. Let yourself heal before you stRt dating again, or you'll just attract another loser.

[Clio]

He is still a manipulator and a liar. He was like that before you, hence his promiscuous past, he will be like that with her under difficult circumstances. The real problem is the stories you tell yourself. He is like that with everybody yet you tell yourself that it was your fault. You have tied your self-esteem to the random actions of a liar and you are using them to hurt yourself with stories which are not true. You need to reflect on why is that and change this. Maybe consider seeking professional help. You need to address all this self-hate so that you stop hurting yourself like this.

[saluk]

Your thoughts and feelings are all in a blurry fog right now. They come by so fast you can't even process them or put them in order. But I think you may have taken some of the crazy thoughts that one has during a tumultuous break up and started to believe them. As things get a little less foggy in the coming weeks or months, try to really dig deep and see what you believe about yourself and the relationship, and test those beliefs to see if they are really true. Do you really think that it is your fault that he hid his promiscuous past? Do you really think that you didn't have a RIGHT to react the way you did upon how that information came to light? And that you deserved to be hurt based on that reaction?

 

But you are just now processing everything so it's understandable if some of those kinds of thoughts come up.

 

However awkward and confusing the breakup was, from both your actions and his... Even if it hadn't happened that way you may not have actually been compatible. As much as you felt in love. Sadly feeling love is not the only thing that a relationship needs to last. If it were, I don't think this would be a very popular site!

 

And don't forget that he left you. He's the one who walked. He could have worked through things with you or tried to show you how he had changed from his past, but he didn't. He left. He said screw destiny and went and found his own and left you alone. There has to be someone out there who is better for you than that!

[thejigsup]

Look at it this way: You just got rid of a jerk. She is stuck with him for life. He is a lying, manipulating, womanizer, don't kid yourself that he isn't. He was a lying, manipulating, womanizer long before you came along and he will be a lying manipulating, womanizer for a long, long, time. If you made him leave, congratulate yourself, not blame yourself.

[Ms Darcy]

You know, there's always "that guy" - sexy, swaggering, charismatic. And there are probably like 3-5 girls out there thinking like you "why didn't he pick me?" Because that guy is the kind of guy in most romance novels and romantic fantasies. (Notice he's a jerk because he's not with you. If he was with you, which you want, he would be OK.)

 

When you grow up, your fantasies will grow too. A dependable person will matter more than fashion; a similar sense of humor will matter more than swagger.

 

I've been there. I had it BAD for a hottie. He wasn't a "bad boy" by any means but he wasn't all that into me. And as such gave me mixed signals etc. The point was, the girl he married was PERFECT for him (very thin, similar ethnicity, likes to drink, chef, in the same non-profit, similar group of friends.) And it hit me, that what I liked best about him was the IDEA of him (and his looks) and not him. Because the stuff he wanted (a wifee who cooks, runs 4-10 miles a day, etc etc) is not the kind of life I wanted. At all. It would have been a TERRIBLE marriage.

 

You have to trust that people pick the right person for THEM. That's not related to any karma. It's just what it is.

 

I don't have any easy answers about finding love. Sometimes you just have to take a break from dating for a while until you are ready to try again.

[Brokenheart99]

I couldn't sleep a wink last night. I want to write but I feel like I'll be going into this long pity cycle or something. I feel like I've just lost all hope in good and being a good person.

 

He lied and manipulated me, and maybe he will or won't with her. I'm betting not though. He seemed like he was ready to change, so he will with her. You know, It took me so long, so long and so much soul searching to accept that jerks are just jerks and it has nothing to do with me and I didn't cause him to be that way. That jerks would be a jerk regardless of my actions and good people are good. It took me so long to finally believe that. And him not finding love because he was a jerk confirmed that. But, alas he got engaged fast, faster than he moved with me. Even my previous ex before this last one(the one I joined ena for), people on here said he was a jerk too. He lied to me, cheated on me as a means to break up with me, cold ignored me etc, never made an effort and led me on. All jerk like behavior, right? Except he got married pretty fast after we broke up. He was ready and wanted to be settled and married. To some sweet girl. They even have a kid now, he treats his wife like a princess. I know I don't know the inner workings of their marriage and maybe it's not great. But this pattern, it's just happened more than once, it starts feeling like I'm the problem. Eventually, the pattern indicates that I am the common denominator. Same with my most current ex, perhaps he was a jerk in the past, but when I dated him I could tell he was finally ready to settle and change. And he probably would have with me if I wasn't such a judgmental b at that point.

 

I'm always the last girl a guy dates before he marries the one he wants. They get all of their jerk, old habits out in me, I am patient and kind and try to explain why they shouldn't be like that etc. and they refine, mature and take everything and apply it to another girl. I'm a training gf it seems.

 

And you know all of this would be fine too if I could just find my own love. Because when I am happy in love, these feelings dissipate some. I can accept things better because I see a better future for me, I guess. But it's just lately, for the last two years, I have been serially rejected. I really have no idea why. I know people will say you need to love yourself etc and maybe it shows that I don't, but I've experiemented dating in all ways, in person, online, double dates, someone else setting me up. even on double dates, I thought maybe I would figure out if I have some weird personality quirk that's making me be turned down so often, but my gf said I was normal. Sure, maybe all these guys aren't the right ones for me and I need to keep living and loving my life and he right one will come along.

 

And ive told myself that since before I joined this site. For ten years, I've been positive and hopeful and have bettered myself, new friends, new job, new city, new hobbies, I've traveled, took a break from dating for a year. I like me and I like my life, I'm just tired of being loveless. More days than other, it just feels like I'm going to be loveless forever. It just seems like my life keeps getting worse. More and more lemons, not even just romantically. I just wanted one thing. A love that would love me back. Everything else I feel I could handle if I had that.

 

I'm rambling, I know. Everyone has been so kind here. I guess I just don't have any more positivity and hope in me. I always thought he was my good karma in ways, because he understood and accepted my past. I always thought that this was why all the other guys didn't work out so it could with him. But his engagement killed my last hope in things.

 

And truthfully I'm not even sure if he's engaged and short of asking him outright, I don't know how to find out. But I'm fairly sure? I think i would just rather know at this point so I can mentally accept it for sure and stop wondering.

 

I don't know what I'm trying to say. I just don't know. Everything feels so unreal. I don't make much sense.

[Joanne1985]

A part of your post really struck a cord with me, when you say I'm the girl there with before they get married, my first boyfriend got somebody else pregnant within a month of leaving me, my second within six months and my third ex also moved on very quickly. I've never had a guy pine for me the way I have them, I don't know why that is, I don't think your feeling down because your ex may or may not be engaged. I think your feeling down because you know your a good nice person that hasn't been lucky enough to find the one yet and are probably a little fed up with waiting. I have a friend that helps me through every break up and she always says they didn't deserve you and they weren't the right one for you, I know she's right but when is the right one going to come. Relationships are so difficult, makes you wonder if it's worth it

[Iggy5129]

You're misunderstanding karma. It is not reward or punishment but there to teach us a lesson. Seems like you have not learned the lesson given to you by meeting this man yet. So he's charming and has style? Who cares, he was also pretty awful to you and lied a lot. Most abusive jerks are charming. He didn't do that because he was scared or because you made him. He did it because he is not a nice person and trust me he isn't treating this new girl any better than he did you.

 

Karma is not instant. Please do some research on it. It might even take another lifetime for him to get his karma for this.

[ForgetYourEvil]

The good thing about them getting married is the finality. That aspect can be so shocking, but after a while I think it helps to close those "maybe we will get together again" doors that we leave open. It's God, or the universe, telling you that no, he's not the guy you are going to end up with - you are free to explore other options when they appear. (Wherever those dang opportunities are hiding!)

 

So TRUE. It allows you to move on and move ahead to better things. Though marriage is not always final (I'm proof of that -- I got a divorce early last year), if your ex is getting married to someone else, it is the Universe telling you that you need to move on with your life and not keep waiting. If you and your ex are meant to be together, you will be. But don't wait for it. Don't put your life on hold. It sucks. It's hard. It hurts. But you're a catch. Don't wait around... keep pressing forward.

[saluk]

And ive told myself that since before I joined this site. For ten years, I've been positive and hopeful and have bettered myself, new friends, new job, new city, new hobbies, I've traveled, took a break from dating for a year. I like me and I like my life, I'm just tired of being loveless. More days than other, it just feels like I'm going to be loveless forever. It just seems like my life keeps getting worse. More and more lemons, not even just romantically. I just wanted one thing. A love that would love me back. Everything else I feel I could handle if I had that.

 

I'm rambling, I know. Everyone has been so kind here. I guess I just don't have any more positivity and hope in me. I always thought he was my good karma in ways, because he understood and accepted my past. I always thought that this was why all the other guys didn't work out so it could with him. But his engagement killed my last hope in things.

 

When the dust settles from the latest development you can get that hope back. It's just hard right now because this new information is sending you spiraling. It's OK to not be positive all the time, especially when things happen that get you down. I've certainly had a rough 6 months watching my ex chase a guy and then randomly meet and get engaged to someone else very quickly. I've felt the same as you many times in that period. But I feel like I am coming out of it. Maybe it would help you to know whether he is actually engaged or not. I almost threw up when she announced the engagement, but I was able to fake congratulate her and I've been processing for a week and feel like I'm more positive again. The worst part is that announcement came on the heels of 2 or 3 of my other friends announcing engagements. Everyone is having babies or getting married. It's a tough age to be single. But I know I have my own life to live, it's not a competition. I'll get there eventually.

 

One thing about romantic patterns. They do tell you something about yourself, but not necessarily your first impression of what they are telling you. You feel like your the one who reforms the bad boys so they can be happy with someone else. I mean, if that were like a business you were operating "bad boy reform service" then what happened is almost a good thing right? From a certain point of view. It's like a teacher-student relationship though. That dynamic isn't necessarily the best platform to build a relationship on. You might be picking projects rather than people who actually fit you, and you might want to explore why you are attracted to that type of person. If you feel that the guy you are with needs to change for you to be together, you are in a situation with two big risks. If he won't change then you will lose him. And then if he does change what then? Will you still want him after you convince him to change?

 

You might be stuck in your bad boy phase.

[Brokenheart99]

Everything you guys have said strikes a chord and helps, thank you.

 

Saluk - you're killing it, you just get me hah. And I wish I could know for sure I guess, it would just help solidify it all, even though it would sting. I just have no way of finding out for sure unless I ask him(since we no longer have mutual friends) and asking him would make me look ridiculously desperate esp since we really don't communicate. I want to know now, I just don't know how to find out. As far as picking guys who are projects, I thought that too so I let myself get set up with people instead of choosing myself Bc I thought I was choosing wrong. My ex was a set up hah.

 

I guess I'm just tired of waiting to meet the right guy. Perhaps he was a jerk and he may be a jerk to her too. Idk time will tell. Everyone sees him the way you all see him, except me but I probably have love goggles on.

 

Either way, I guess what I'm trying to say is it's easier to accept these things, that I'm lucky I dodged a bullet with him, he wasn't right for me, karma will come back to him, jerks don't get rewarded..all these sentiments are easy to accept when life works out for you in some way. A few months ago I had begun dating a guy I really liked and I forgot about my ex to some degree and made peace with my break up. I had come to accept that there was a good reason things fell apart and that he wasn't right for me. Because I had started to fall for someone else and I saw a possibility of love. But eventually he turned out to be a supreme jerk who had only wanted to sleep with me and made it very clear when we met the first time. When I said no, he stopped talking to me and our "relationship" ended. So it left me back to here. Back to hurting and wondering about my past. It feels impossible to let go and move on from things when you are still stuck in the same hole. It's like, how are you supposed to satisfy your hunger when you can't get ahold of any food? Poor example but I suppose you all see what I mean.

 

I know it's good in a way that he got engaged because it forces me to let go of that "hope" of us. I'm not holding on to him, I just have no where to go. And I miss him.

 

Perhaps I'm just down on myself. I just don't get what it is about me that is so unlovable. Lately I just get rejected for any reason and unknown reasons. I used to be such a confident person, but how do you not take serial rejections personally after some time? How do you not let it take a toll on your self worth?

[Ms Darcy]

I think the broken record you keep playing "he was a jerk to me, hopefully he will be a jerk to her" is hindering you.

 

Romantic relationships are long auditions for finding the right person for you. It's not an easy process. He learned from you what he didn't want and what he wanted in a wife. Just like the guy before. You have to take from those relationships and think about what you want and don't want as well.

[Brokenheart99]

It just feels so unfair. He does all these things for her that he never ever did for me. I was so good to him, more than I should have been and in the end my niceness didn't matter. She's not nicer, prettier or more successful than me. There is nothing she has that I don't other than her being more wild and less "conservative". Why her and not me? What is it about me that makes me so unlovable?

 

I just wanted to have what she has with him. I don't mean that as I'm tying my self worth to his rejection of me(maybe to a degree I have), but more that It feels so unfair and like my turn for love will never come. And I guess that's why I wanted his karma to come, so that life would feel "fair" again. Right now, it just feels unfair. But crappier people get their turn so easily and on time and meanwhile I'm left heart broken bitter and forever posting here. Losing friends because they are all married and have kids and never have time to hang out. I hardly fit in hanging out with younger crowds who are still single. And I hate meeting new people or socializing Bc I'm constantly asked the you're not married question. I know, life isn't fair. That's the moral. I'm just emotional right now and in tears right now.

 

Even today, I met a guy, we had 4 texts, short small talk about work. Nothing substantial, we were supposed to meet this weekend. But yet again, I got ignored. Why? Why is this such a pattern? What makes me so unlovable?

 

It just sucks. It's lonely. I feel like my youth and life is passing me by being single. I just wanted to experience love, to be happy, to cook for my husband, to wear lingerie for him, to look forward to picking a dress, to confide and have someone care about you most in the world. I want to experience love, I want to marry. But I don't, I have to do everything myself. The other day I had some crazy thing happen at work, it made me so sad that I had no one special to share it with. I looked through my whole phone. And I missed how much I could share with him and the great advice and feedback he gave. Maybe next time I will just post it here.

 

I sound Whiney and complainy and this is becoming a "woe me" post so I'll stop here. That's the last thing I wanted to do, it's just What I feel at the moment. Urgh. Thanks for listening. I know no one has all the solutions, it's a process of time and self reflection, I know, I've given this advice so often here. Right now, i don't have hope anymore. I hope this will pass. Sorry, I'm just down on myself and sad, I hope my posts haven't been too annoying or Whiney. Thanks everyone, this site is great.

[SURPRISE]

You need to stop dwelling on the past. Put that energy in to meeting other people and knowing it's his loss. If you can find one decent guy, chances are there are a ton more in the millions of people on earth! No time to dwell, you have probably missed 4-5 relationships in your time on this post alone!

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with Surprise that you should stop living in the past.

[saluk]

Everything you guys have said strikes a chord and helps, thank you.

 

Saluk - you're killing it, you just get me hah. And I wish I could know for sure I guess, it would just help solidify it all, even though it would sting. I just have no way of finding out for sure unless I ask him(since we no longer have mutual friends) and asking him would make me look ridiculously desperate esp since we really don't communicate. I want to know now, I just don't know how to find out. As far as picking guys who are projects, I thought that too so I let myself get set up with people instead of choosing myself Bc I thought I was choosing wrong. My ex was a set up hah.

 

 

Haha I do get you. I mean we are the same age and in similar situations. I've been doing a lot of work myself to overcome some of the same bad thinking that you are struggling with. I had to, as me and my ex have essentially stayed in limited contact.

 

The 'choosing' is as much a process as any other part of relationships. While you met him via a set-up, you approved of him and continued to date him on your own terms.

 

I guess I'm just tired of waiting to meet the right guy. Perhaps he was a jerk and he may be a jerk to her too. Idk time will tell. Everyone sees him the way you all see him, except me but I probably have love goggles on.

 

Either way, I guess what I'm trying to say is it's easier to accept these things, that I'm lucky I dodged a bullet with him, he wasn't right for me, karma will come back to him, jerks don't get rewarded..all these sentiments are easy to accept when life works out for you in some way. A few months ago I had begun dating a guy I really liked and I forgot about my ex to some degree and made peace with my break up. I had come to accept that there was a good reason things fell apart and that he wasn't right for me. Because I had started to fall for someone else and I saw a possibility of love. But eventually he turned out to be a supreme jerk who had only wanted to sleep with me and made it very clear when we met the first time. When I said no, he stopped talking to me and our "relationship" ended. So it left me back to here. Back to hurting and wondering about my past. It feels impossible to let go and move on from things when you are still stuck in the same hole. It's like, how are you supposed to satisfy your hunger when you can't get ahold of any food? Poor example but I suppose you all see what I mean.

 

I know it's good in a way that he got engaged because it forces me to let go of that "hope" of us. I'm not holding on to him, I just have no where to go. And I miss him.

 

Perhaps I'm just down on myself. I just don't get what it is about me that is so unlovable. Lately I just get rejected for any reason and unknown reasons. I used to be such a confident person, but how do you not take serial rejections personally after some time? How do you not let it take a toll on your self worth?

 

Yeah I've been on a lot of bad dates. It gets discouraging. My pattern is different than yours and I haven't been rejected as much. Actually, my problem is up until my ex I was rejected enough times by people I had fallen too hard for that she was kind of the last straw. I am so afraid of rejection now that I shut things down probably a bit too early. I'm the great rejector now, feel my fury!

 

At the end of the day though, we gotta make do with what we have and stop complaining about the crap cards we are dealt. Some people get lucky, and others don't, it's how the world works. I don't buy any of that karma or destiny stuff. The reason there are all these movements for equality (gay marriage, feminism, income inequality, racism etc) isn't because the world is fair and equal opportunity for everyone, but because it very strongly isn't, and enough people see that and are working to make the playing field a little more level for groups who are more likely to be dealt bad cards. The same with our own life, you can't just hope that you get better cards next time. It's your life and you have to start taking an active role in playing with the hand you are dealt to make things better.

 

He lied to you, but you are right. He may have found his match, and they might live happily ever after. The thing is, whether he does or not doesn't really help your situation. You are alone (and unhappy to be so) either way. Sure, in the one case you can feel some justification, but is that really helping you? No! The common denominator in your life is you. You lament that he walked away because you were too conservative and wish you were wilder. Well, maybe you can do some things and try for experiences that loosen you up a little. Live a little. Go to vegas or something lol. But on the other hand it's not BAD to be the way you are. It's not wrong to have been concerned about his shady past. In fact that sounds pretty smart to me! There are guys out there who would appreciate that. You are what you are, and if you find someone who actually matches you better you will be a lot happier and more secure with him; and he will appreciate you much more than these other guys you've been trying with could ever do.

[Brokenheart99]

I know everything you guys are saying is right. I know it is. But I miss him so much. There is something about him that I haven't been able to let go of, no matter how long we have been broken up. I just miss him and I never have stopped missing him. I wonder if I ever will. I don't know how to tell my heart to let go of him even though I want to. I just feel so sad.

[meoww]

Getting married is still a viable goal, you might want to dip into the late twenties crowd for a partner if you think you are running out of options.

 

There are times when we get in the habit of romanticizing the past because it at least seems better dealing with unpleasant realities in the present. It gives us a false sense of control over our lives. It's also a distraction. It's a trap, don't fall for it! It's like a mirage in a desert.