Processing my thoughts

[Nightsky3]

Hi everyone,

I've been lurking on these forums for the last couple of months and its been helpful to read other people's experiences. I thought I would finally join in... (very long post ahead)

 

My ex boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago. We're both in our late 20s and we'd been going out for almost 3 years- this is the first relationship I've ever been in and the first serious relationship my ex has been in. We became best friends, fell in love and made the major step of moving in together earlier this year (the first time either of us has moved in with a SO and major step for me due to cultural/parental strictness) i.e. 2 years of honeymoon period. Unfortunately we also combined moving in together, with moving cities (where we both didn't have many friends) and starting new (stressful) jobs.

This year the honeymoon period ended- we got caught up with our own busy work, became too comfortable with each other, didn't communicate very well, glossed over any problems we had and didn't nurture our relationship- it took a backseat. I stopped looking after myself, threw myself into looking after him and the house/bills/practical things. He became distant, started resenting me for things that he never would have in the past and eventually 3 months ago my ex broke up with me- something that came "out of the blue" for me that day but I remained calm (in front of him) and told him that it was ok and to do what he needed to do. I was just numb and in shock. I think my calm demeanour must have surprised him, because a few days later he came back and said that he had panicked and asked to get back together. I was overjoyed and of course I said yes. We had a discussion about where things had gone wrong and ways we could both improve our communication. And for the first time in months, he told me that he loved me and it felt like things were finally back on track and that we both genuinely loved each other.

For the next 3 weeks we communicated better and started socialising as a couple a bit more. Things were not quite the same though. After 3 weeks, I went away for a few days for a work commitment and when I came back, he was distant again. I had an impending sense of doom and deja vu and we talked- he told me that he needed space, he didn't love me, couldn't see us getting married or raising children together ( where did this come from?) and that we were two different people (we were, but that didn't stop him chasing after me when we first started going out). This was obviously devastating to hear and I was a mess. I gave him complete space for a week and then came back and calmly asked to try again but to take our time. By then he had his guard up and said no and told me that he was going to move out in the next few weeks! It felt like he was sprinting away from me.

I had to leave again for another work commitment and I went NC (although I didn't know what that was at the time) to give both of us space. I blocked him from my phone (so that I wasn't hanging out hoping for his texts/calls) and sent him an email to work out splitting up our stuff and a few weeks later, I moved out.

 

Since the break up

Initially I was a mess. I couldn't be by myself and I leant heavily on my family for support. I fluctuated between regret/wishing I could turn back time and feeling betrayed/anger at him for just walking away.

I started reading about break ups on the internet (stumbled upon this place) and learnt about this NC thing. By then I already had no phone/text contact with him since the start of Nov. I'd kept contact to intermittent emails to discuss practical stuff. His emails would be friendly/asking how I was/if I was ok etc. I took that to mean that he was feeling sorry for me so I kept my responses purely 'business' and I didn't engage. Its been 2 weeks since my last email. We are still fb friends but are both not very active users of fb. I used to check his fb sporadically when I was feeling low, but I would read too much into his occasional posts (which were not about us) and that would set me backwards, so I've made myself stop.

Slowly I've been hanging out with my friends and making some new friends at work. When I was in a relationship, I was too comfortable with being the two of us and I didn't bother talking to new people but now I'm making an effort! I've also been making an effort with my appearance and making myself spend time outside. I've joined the gym again yesterday and set myself a little personal goal to achieve over the next 3 months. I also went out on one date- I had to force myself because its something I never would do, but I'm glad I did it.

All of this (+ time) has helped distract me enough to stop thinking about him every minute of the day and stop basing all my decisions on him/what he'd think/to prove myself to him in my mind and I'm proud of the babysteps I've taken.

 

Where I'm at now

I feel better about myself than I have in the last year- I'm eating a bit better, sleeping ok, less focussed on work and am just generally looking after myself and its been free-ing to have more time in the day to focus on myself. I'm starting to do these things because its good for me, not just to "show him." Its only been a short time of working on myself, but I feel like its a genuine start.

I've stopped being the crying bundle of mess that I was in the first month- which has surprised me as I thought I'd never get through that period. I now look forward to spending time by myself as well as with other people. I still have my bad moments but they are shorter, less panic-stricken and I can get myself through them without needing someone else to pick me up.

I still entertain thoughts of getting back with my ex- its no longer the desperate thoughts of "I NEED to get back with him otherwise I'll die", but more fleeting "I miss his company." I wish we could be friends again- it seems so strange that I have to stop myself from texting him "Merry Christmas" or sending him some cute animal video, things that came so naturally before. But obviously I still have romantic feelings for him.

I've done almost NC for 2 months now and I'm starting to wonder whether I should transition to very LC (more for myself than for him *I think*). I've kept NC for face to face/phone and haven't engaged on email/fb. I haven't begged/bombarded him with calls/texts or boosted his ego. In fact, I've gone the opposite way and been quite cold- quickly sorting out the practical aspects and not engaging. This has been out of self preservation because I was so hurt, but I suspect this has made him think that I hate him and don't want anything to do with him because he has respected this and left me alone. I don't know if he's tried to call or text because I blocked him and he's never initiated contact via email/fb.

I'm starting to feel like initiating some (low) contact won't send me into a spiral and I don't necessarily need/expect an answer from him- I used to want his response to bring me closure, but I no longer look to him to bring me the closure I thought I needed. And possibly importantly, the thought of him moving on/dating other people isn't making me want to immediately vomit/break down crying and while I'm not dwelling on it, I can see it as a normal/good thing and I'm wanting the same for myself at some point.

 

 

Anyway those are my thoughts to work on over the next few months...

[Nightsky3]

Well today's been a giant struggle. I'm away with my family and all I could think about was you. I miss you. And I cried for the first time in a week. I feel like I'm slipping backwards and was a little too optimistic yesterday. I wish you would call/I wish you'd give me a hug/ I can't believe you could just walk away/ I can't believe you'd choose this misery over being together thoughts are entering my head again.

[Nightsky3]

And I'm back. I thought I was strong, I thought I had made a break through in moving on but it just doesn't last. I can't sleep, I'm crying too much. What I wouldn't do to have you by my side, giving me a cuddle/telling me it's ok. I've had weeks of guilt/regret/hope and I've wanted so much to reach out to you. 3 months on and it still feels so foreign to not be able to talk to you. I can't believe how much I took you for granted. What a privilege it was to sleep next to you, and I never stopped to appreciate it, I just let me insecurities get the better of me. I just want to go home and back into your arms. This time last year we had just moved in together and you told me I was the love of your life! I can't believe I ruined this in a few months. I feel so tortured knowing I can't go back and fix this. I would do anything to fix this. Please come back. Sweet dreams where ever you are.

 

 

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