Just getting thoughts out

[ss135]

I have been trying to heal from my relationship since it ended. We were together for almost ten years and lived together for most of that time. The day she left everything seemed like it was going fine. We ran some errands than picked up dinner. When we got home I looked at my food and it was completely wrong, so I sighed. She jumped up and started screaming that she was going to stay at her friends house if I was going to act like that. I was completely floored and asked if she would stop yelling so we could talk. She reiterated that she was leaving to stay at a friends house and I said fine but if you leave you're not coming back. This seemed to be what she was waiting for so she muttered a quick ok, went stone faced and started packing all her things.

 

I immediately started breaking down and asking a ton of questions that she did't answer as she calmly collected the rest of her things and drove off. The next few days we me obsessively calling and texting her but she had blocked my number immediately after she left. I finally got ahold of her because she called my friend when he was consoling me and I picked up the call. She didn't want to answer any of my questions the only one she did was when I asked if there was someone else. She said no and that she didn't think either of us should be in a relationship for a while. I don't believe this but I have nothing to prove it. She continued to be cold and short with me and ended the call by telling me to stop harassing her.

 

That was the only contact I have had with her. She hasn't been on any social media, from what I heard, because I don't use any of it. I have no idea where she is or what she has been doing and she hasn't reached out to me in any way.

 

Shortly after she left I had my best friend from childhood start living with me because I suddenly had to shoulder more than double the bills I previously had. He was the only person who was able to help me feel better at all often staying up with me all night till he started passing out. I needed to buy a car and his step father had a few for sale so I set up a date with my friend to go meet him. He was also going with me the following Monday for a job interview. The morning that we were going to meet his step dad I went to wake him up and found him dead from a heroin overdose. I called my friend who had set me up for the interview and told him I would have to reschedule.

 

About a month ago I went for the interview and it was the first thing all year that went swimmingly. I was offered the job on the spot and started a few days later. I actually enjoy the job very much and its much higher paying than my last job with room for advancement. Its also a smaller mom and pop sort of company where I talk to the owners everyday. While I enjoy the job very much I feel its the only thing going right for me now.

 

I keep hearing useless platitudes such as love yourself and it takes time but I don't believe that at all. I believe these are just things lonely people say to convince themselves. I can't love myself unless someone else does and apparently aren't worth of it. I haven't felt better at all since I was left which was about seven months ago. I can't take the flowery advice like theres someone better out there for me or that I should wish my ex happiness. Why would I want someone who hurt me so badly to be happy especially if they need to find it with someone else? If I do meet someone, which I think is incredibly unlikely, there's no way I would trust them or give a tenth as much of myself as I had previously because I don't see a benefit from it just downsides. I gained absolutely nothing from my last relationship except a growing bitterness and have started to become extremely jaded. I don't understand how the night before I was left my ex was texting me lovingly all night then she made me a nice meal and we had sex then twelve hours later she was telling me how she never loved me and wanted to leave me for years. I had sensed that she was becoming distant prior to this and confronted her about a week before the breakup. I asked why she was becoming cold with me lately and she started crying, saying that she had been stressed at work and I was the only thing she cared about and wanted to make more of an effort to prove it to me. I thought that was the end of it and didn't give it much thought because I believed we had been through worse and she did seem to make more of an effort right up until she left.

 

I don't get why she would lie to me after so long and how she cut all contact with me immediately. I thought it should be hard to just forget about someone that you lived with and built a life with but it was like she flipped a switch and stopped caring about me. This has shattered my ego and self esteem and neither has been rebuilt even a little over all this time. I'm also very lonely now. I miss being held and holding someone, I miss being an important part of someones life or at least believing I was. I miss sex even more and haven't had it since the day before she left me and thats hitting me the hardest. I feel utterly useless, unloveable, and like a lost cause. Life without love and sex simply isn't worth living.

 

This has definitely been the worst year of my life (so far). I have lost everything I care about. I have had my entire thought process changed and the person I was is long dead. I haven't been genuinely happy since before I was left and don't see a way back, even if the impossible happened and I actually got a call from my ex it would be too little too late. I can't see myself with another women and now think that all women are just users that drain you until theres nothing left and move on unceremoniously. It's not just from my personal case either, most if not all of the males I know have had very similar experiences, and from reading here so have a lot of you. I consciously know that not all women are the same but I thought I had someone who was different and that was proved wrong, so how can I know? Just wait it out till i'm eventually left again?

[mhowe]

Well, you can't get left again without first getting in another relationship. And your defeatist attitude will not attract another partner. I won't give you empty platitudes...

 

Life is what you make of it. Gloom and despair are part of the cycle. Either get back out and get engaged in life, or accept being single.

[ss135]

Of course I have a defeatist attitude, I've been defeated. It would be insane to think huh I've lost literally everything I care about time to be optimistic. I know gloom and despair are part of life but it seems to be the only part I get. I have been incredibly engaged in life and it has not helped. I have met loads of new people and have been going out a ton but I can't connect with women at all. I have had a few women interested in me but I feel that getting involved with anyone will hurt us both so I haven't let it go anywhere. I also have pulled back from that because when these women are telling me how handsome or interesting I am I don't buy it. I see myself as broken and worthless. On the other hand I try and let go of these thoughts and not dwell but it's incredibly difficult.

 

The main reason I post here is to get those thoughts written out as it seems to help me not ruminate on them. I understand that from just my posts I come across as extremely bitter and jaded but these are my worst thoughts and feelings, when I'm feeling good I don't post. A lot of what I have previously written is things I don't truly believe, just passing thoughts. The only thing I do whole heartedly feel is that I will have a very hard time trusting women or letting them in. In person I'm most certainly not all doom and gloom and people even say I look happier and healthier than I was with my ex. I don't feel that way but I must be projecting something to make people say that.

 

Because all my posts have been so self critical and negative I will try and say some good things about myself and situation. Firstly, and most important to me, I finally got out of dead end retail hell and started a real job with actual potential for growth. Second because of my new job and the fact I have been much more outgoing I have made a ton of new friends that seem to enjoy my company and reconnected with friends and family I neglected. Third I finally got my first car at 25, which is super late but at least I did it. Fourth I lost a ton of weight changed my appearance drastically and am for the first time in my life happy with how I look. Finally I haven't let myself (fully) fall into a deep crippling depression with drugs and alcohol fueling the fire.

[ss135]

I'm feeling really bad again lately. I believe it's been dates that have passed. First it would have been my best friend's birthday at the end of January. I have known a bunch of people who died early but his death hit me extra hard. Not only was he my best friend but he seemed to be doing really good. He was off drugs for over a year and had big plans for his future. He was going to help teenage drug addicts because he had been there and wanted to help people, he always was like that.

 

Then at the start of February was my exes birthday and shortly after Valentine's day. They both made me feel isolated and alone. Now next week would have been our ten year anniversary. I don't think I can handle it. Its been the better part of year and I feel so empty. None of my accomplishments or meeting my personal goals have made me feel better. I feel as though I've grown a lot as a person since the break up but still feel as though a large chunk of me is missing and I don't know how to get it back.