What have YOU done when you have seen red flags?

[whoevenknows]

I've been seeing a pattern here. It seems that many people write about massive red flags about their situation, and then ask what they should do. Would any of you mind clarifying on this? What have you done in the past?

 

1. Didn't notice anything wrong.

2. Saw some reason to be suspicious, but decided to give it more time.

3. Noticed many red flags, chose to ignore them, and ended up still asking folks what the problem is.

4. Notice red flags, but just want things to work out so badly, that you hope someone will tell you what you want to hear.

 

Alright then, shall we let the discussions begin? Go!

[reinventmyself]

I've been seeing a pattern here. It seems that many people write about massive red flags about their situation, and then ask what they should do. Would any of you mind clarifying on this? What have you done in the past?

 

1. Didn't notice anything wrong.

2. Saw some reason to be suspicious, but decided to give it more time.

3. Noticed many red flags, chose to ignore them, and ended up still asking folks what the problem is.

4. Notice red flags, but just want things to work out so badly, that you hope someone will tell you what you want to hear.

 

Alright then, shall we let the discussions begin? Go!

 

All the above. . !

 

I keep readjusting and fine tuning. Trial and error until you get it right. If that's at all possible.

Writing down a list of personal deal breakers was helpful. Seeing things in print makes it that much more apparent.

 

Also realizing that you have no control over others or the outcome, is crucial. Accept people will disappoint you sometimes.

 

Trusting you have what it takes to make tough decisions in your own best interest and you can handle pretty much what ever comes your way as well.

And if you don't . . then work on it and work on it some more until you do!

 

Learning to be brutally honest with yourself and what your motives are.

I think we get in the most trouble when we are capable of lying to ourselves.

[whoevenknows]

Learning to be brutally honest with yourself and what your motives are.

I think we get in the most trouble when we are capable of lying to ourselves.

 

Agreed, and I think we are all capable of lying to ourselves; hence the great need for this site!

[notalady]

I've certainly done 2 a lot and once, 4. I've always been very aware of red flags but often find them small in the beginning that I may choose to give it more time. It's easy to brush off small red flags and rationalise it away, then in hindsight realise they were early indicators of bigger issues. So I learned over time that I need to take these small signs seriously and exit earlier rather than later.

 

But I have no hesitance ending things when I realise it's not working. And once I make up my mind, I stick to it. There's no amount of convincing, begging, love declarations, manipulation that can get me to change my mind (as my most recent ex who tried this would've seen).

 

One experience of 4, I stayed in that relationship for 2.5 years. He was a good guy, and that was the first I've dated in a long string of sh**ty guys, so I very quickly decided this is the guy I was looking for. I kinda had my mind set right from the beginning, so I ignored personality incompatibilities that showed up from 2 months onwards and told myself all relationships need work, personalities need time to mesh. Of course, I've since learned that personalities either mesh or they don't, personality incompatibilities often can't be resolved no matter how many times you talk about it and agree on a resolution. I've wised up since then and would never make that mistake again.

[IAmFCA]

1 and 2, lots of times, especially 2.

[whoevenknows]

I've certainly done 2 a lot and once, 4. I've always been very aware of red flags but often find them small in the beginning that I may choose to give it more time. It's easy to brush off small red flags and rationalise it away, then in hindsight realise they were early indicators of bigger issues. So I learned over time that I need to take these small signs seriously and exit earlier rather than later.

 

But I have no hesitance ending things when I realise it's not working. And once I make up my mind, I stick to it. There's no amount of convincing, begging, love declarations, manipulation that can get me to change my mind (as my most recent ex who tried this would've seen).

 

Good for you! I'm glad that you have learned to end things sooner than later when necessary. Bravo on sticking to it once your mind is made up. People do beg, manipulate, try to convince, and even say that they will, "change anything" to get you to stay. Sadly, it works on a lot of people - and they are left wondering why they gave in.

[Seymore]

I go "doot dee doo" like an idiot and continue with a relationship that's terrible for me.

[whoevenknows]

I go "doot dee doo" like an idiot and continue with a relationship that's terrible for me.

 

You deserve more respect from yourself and other's. There is always time to work on yourself. Once you have self-esteem, and feel good about being you - things fall into place. Take a break from dating maybe?

[Seymore]

Oh after the last one I fully intend to take an indefinite break.

[ParisPaulette]

Behind door number 4 we have the exact reason most of Paris's relationships went up in flames. Doors 1 through 3 got slammed on my fingers a time or two as well, but really for me it was always about needing that fantasy over the reality.

 

I finally wised up when I just stopped letting any toxicity into my life, focused on fixing myself and broke up with my ex. After that whenever I saw or still see red flags with anyone, be it someone I was romantically interested in, a potential friend or even a client I now pay attention and react appropriately when I see big red flags. Usually by excusing myself for coffee and just never coming back--in short, I drop the contact politely and just never am available for red flag person after that.

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, self-deception is one of humanity's greatest weaknesses. Love is our superpower, but self-deception is definitely kryptonite.

[Seymore]

I always notice things wrong, and just ignore them or think with time they'll improve. My ex-ex told me on our first date 8 years ago that she left her fiancee/boyfriend of 5 years 3 months prior, and that she had a FWB 1 month prior and he up and ghosted her. Not only that, but she still kept tabs on her ex-fiancee. Told me all of that and I still said "Well, maybe it's not as bad as it seems." How can that not be as bad as it seemed? But it had been 7 years since my last relationship and this was the only girl I had gone out with that actually paid me any attention.

 

My last ex wanted me to sleep with her while she was still married, revealed she had cheated on her husband with patients of hers AND that she smoked pot and drank every day. So many people liked her and hated her husband, and we had also been friends for about 2 years before we started dating, so I figured the pot and drinking would change, and her husband was just a jerk. Well, the pot smoking ceased (aside from maybe 2-3 times a year and she promised that it would be only with or around me), but the drinking was still bad. Her husband WAS a jerk, but I think she painted a worse picture of him than he deserved. Plus I hadn't even kissed a girl in 5 years since leaving my ex-ex.

 

My father told me I have a lousy track record and I really don't know how to pick them. It's true. I at least give myself credit for having the courage to leave 2 abusive and extremely toxic relationships, although that credit is diminished when I realize I let myself get INTO them in the first place.

[whoevenknows]

Oh after the last one I fully intend to take an indefinite break.

 

That is a fantastic thing to know! Now keep the promise to yourself - I know that you can do it!

[Seymore]

That is a fantastic thing to know! Now keep the promise to yourself - I know that you can do it!

 

I won't have a problem doing it - women don't give me the time of day anyway. The ones that I date and it doesn't last - they never give a reason. They talk about themselves the entire time and I don't hear from them, even though they say they had a great time. They just like me like a brother or whatever excuse.

[treesandbees]

For me a bit one of and four but I always notice like I said previously on here before might have been on my blog/journal.. my dad said I am like a cat and I notice all strange movements and react but I don't always pounce I sit and wait and then get hurt from the fall out. I feel like I must have some self punishing gene happening with me.

[alli]

The relationship I had when I was 18 had the biggest problems by far, but I had never been in a relationship before and didn't recognize the red flags. Push for early commitment, jealousy, slowly trying to take control of my decisions. It took time but eventually I saw it. Breaking up with him was scary. Now I am very aware of these things and if anyone tries to do those things, I end it. I'm never going through that again & no amount of attraction has made me overlook these things.

 

Other than that I don't really know what I would consider a red flag. Incompatibility maybe? Differences in spending habits, not sharing an interest in hobbies that take a significant amount of time, in career aspirations. More than once I thought I could deal with these things & it could work out. It hasn't. The abuser red flags I don't mess with but with these other ones I really need to acknowledge their significance sooner & save both of us the grief of stretching a relationship out that lasts much longer than it should.

[Blue_Skirt]

None of the 4 options really but if I have to choose I go for 2.

 

During my last relationship, there were sometimes situations/things that did not feel right. But at that moment, I could not have told what it was, it was more that I felt irritation about something. After we broke up it was like all pieces of the puzzle came together. What I have learned is to go with my gut feeling.

[dustyrain]

I myself have feelings that something isn't right about a situation or a person and im spot on every time unfortunately i don't act on them fast enough-subconsciously afraid id get hurt but in the end i end up getting more hurt. Im learning to tap in to these feelings though and hopefully they'll serve me in future relationships. Isn't it funny that your eyes only open fully to the bad sides of your partner once its ended-it's almost as though your mind tricks you in to thinking every things rosy.

[reinventmyself]

I've often noticed in the beginning the very first that I've found even a little off ultimately ended up being the very thing that ended the relationship in the end.

 

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[Sportster2005]

I've been seeing a pattern here. It seems that many people write about massive red flags about their situation, and then ask what they should do. Would any of you mind clarifying on this? What have you done in the past?

 

1. Didn't notice anything wrong.

2. Saw some reason to be suspicious, but decided to give it more time.

3. Noticed many red flags, chose to ignore them, and ended up still asking folks what the problem is.

4. Notice red flags, but just want things to work out so badly, that you hope someone will tell you what you want to hear.

 

Alright then, shall we let the discussions begin? Go!

 

I've done all four at one time in my life.

 

I don't do three or four anymore.

 

I try not to take a larger view of red flags. If you look close enough, and you should, you will find red flags with anyone. The question becomes on balance what does this situation and person look like as far as potential. Why are there red flags? Are the red flags permanent? historical? Does the person have other qualities that make up for some red flags. Are you sure you are seeing red flags? Early in a relationship it's easy to misinterpret things.

 

There are red flags for me that are dogmatic. They are deal breakers and I'm resolute on them. Smoking pot every day and racism are two that come to mind.

 

Then there's some that are troubling but may need a second look. A woman who is in her 40s or 50s whose longest relationship is five years. Is it a red flag? Absolutely. Does make the automatic cut? No. This would fall under number two in the list. I think there's some value in giving some things more time. What about someone that comes on quick and strong? Are they needy and insecure? Or do they just really know what they want? Most times I find these situations wasteful. But I did end up dating someone that was super fast. She was looking for a relationship and knew exactly what she wanted. And we got along fine. Inevitably it was doomed because we didn't know each other well. She married the guy she met after dating me. Five years later they are happy.

 

The hardest thing to do is say no to someone when there is fantastic attraction but a serious non-negotiable red flag. When I was younger I would ignore it and falsely believe things would get better. But it never does.

 

There is also the issue of screening. You don't want to invest in someone when there are red flags. But it gets tiring when a date feels like an interview. It's a balancing act I guess.