Do I need Counselling

[jbone1973]

Hi, I have been single now for about a couple weeks but I finished with a girl I fancied the pants of and loved because I couldn't cope with her past.

 

I'm sure some of you have heard the stories I told about my x in the past. The last straw was when I found out the guy she slept with while we were on a break was only in his early 20s and she's 36. I'm 42. I realise that this shouldn't be an issue but my confidence had been knocked in the past and this makes me feel crap about myself that she's slept with someone that young and probably allot more attractive than me. When I met her she had f**k buddies and had threesomes. I also found picks of s on her phone which were apparently before we met and I caught an Std from her. This was all stuff that happened at the beginning and she said that we hadn't committed to each other then so it wasn't an issue but she had told me she wouldn't see anyone else at the time. After that she was an amazing girlfriend and didn't do anything wrong but I couldn't get her past out of my head and still can't. It turns my stomach when I think about it. She is so stunning and an amazing person but I just can't be with a girl that has no respect for them selves.

 

The reason that I'm writing this as I'm trying to decide wether I'm a jealous that needs counselling to sort my head out as she never actually cheated when we were together but it was when we had broke up for a week but at the time she was begging me to get back with her and bombarding me with messages. She said that it was only when she went with the other guy that she realised how much she loved me. I'm starting to get over her slowly but it's very hard as she has been my life for over a year and we have had so much fun together. She's the sort of girl that everyone loves and my friends can't see what my problem is. If I thought I could get over my insecurities and move on with her I would but I know that's not going to happen so I'm going to stay away. She still messages me everyday sending me picks of days out we had together and trying to get into my head but I know I can't be with her because just thinking about her makes me anxious but at the same time my body is just dying to go and give her a hug.

 

Is it possible that's she's just bad for me and staying away will sort my head out or do I need some kind of counselling to stop myself being weird and obsessive about a girls past in the future. I have only ever been like this with one girl in the past along time ago and she did cheat so my gut instinct has always be right in the past.

 

Really not looking forward to spending Christmas and new years on my own and its going to be hard to stay away.

[mhowe]

Block her number and give yourself a few months. If you can't move past it by then, seek counseling. You are just going thru the break up blues.

[DancingFool]

When your insecurities are so out of control that they are wrecking your life, yes it's probably a really good idea to roll up your sleeves and get outside help with that, aka counseling.

 

As you said yourself, she didn't cheat on you, she didn't do anything while being with you to make you feel the way you do. That is all on you and it's not healthy to be so absorbed with someone's past. At the same time, I'm not saying that this lady is necessarily the right person for you. What I am saying is that regardless, you need to work on yourself because if you don't, you'll keep ending up with the same problems.

[abitbroken]

I don't think its jealousy - its more so taking care and not entering into a relationship with someone that has a very different view of sex and love. The monogamous person and the person that is bouncing between FWB and threesomes really are not compatible. To me, someone isn't compatible with me if they are dating me and getting to know me, and at the same time are having sex with others. I don't mind if someone is dating others - honoring other dates they set up before they met me that are to take place after they first meet me and then decide to pair off with me and stop seeing others.

 

Also, if a couple has to go "on break" with eachother - ask yourself why. There must be a reason.

 

Don't worry about why your friends can't believe you broke up. Just say there were other things that made you not compatible.

[Ms Darcy]

I think the fact she was "stunning" blinded you to the fact that you had different perceptions and values around sex. Some of the issues you have should be explored with a therapist - like concern about attractiveness. But I also think the whole threesome/fwb thing could be a difference in values.

[Pixels]

You need counselling because you have no realistic perception of your own worth, or realistic expectations in a relationship... but not because you're jealous...

 

It turns my stomach when I think about it. She is so stunning and an amazing person but I just can't be with a girl that has no respect for them selves.

 

Let me repeat that... SHE IS SO STUNNIND AND AN AMAZING PERSON BUT I JUST CAN'T BE WITH A GIRL THAT HAS NO RESPECT FOR THEMSELVES.

 

"Amazing person." "No respect for themselves." (tell me you see the problem here)

 

Look... Not everyone who agrees to date you needs to pledge commitment, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with dating, sleeping, or anything else outside of a realtionship IF it's part of a consenting agreement.

 

Fact is she's not honest with you, she's not honest with herself, and she's not honest towards your relationship together...

 

If your friends have s**t to say, let them date her.

 

I don't mean this to be offensive or anything, but I think you sound pathetic... Re-read this thread (specifically your posts), and consider all the advice you've gotten before you judge me on that....

[Seymore]

You just have different values. She is the kind of person who can't go one week out of a relationship before knocking boots with someone else, and you're the kind of person who deals with things rationally, and I think that's totally valid for you to feel how you do. I don't think it's jealousy, it's just your gut saying this person is a little off. Do you believe that she was the last human being on earth for you? The self-worth thing needs to be addressed. Maybe by a therapist, maybe by just a few good books on the subject. You can't change her, and she obviously doesn't want to change. It's not like Chasing Amy, where she did something in high school or experimented long before she met you - she's still like this.

 

There's a girl out there that you'll feel secure with. Someone you won't need to worry about her having threesomes and whatnot. Your friends don't know squat. My friends and some of my family couldn't understand me leaving my ex, and I had to spell out all the instances about her.

[jbone1973]

No I agree with you. I have been pathetic. My head has been so messed up over this relationship that I have become someone I'm not proud of at all. It's the first time in my life I have let a woman walk all over me. She is very manipulative and I finished it loads of times before but she always found a way to get into my head and get around me and she's still trying now. She is a master of mind games.

[jbone1973]

I totally agree with you. I think a difference in values is the biggest issue. The first time I met her my gut told me to stay away. She tried to have sex with me the first night I met her and I said no and went home. She then spent weeks messaging me on facebook trying to persuade me to meet her and because I lived a loanly and sad existence at the time I gave in because I needed company. That was my biggest mistake because the gut feeling telling me to stay away has always been there. From now on I'm gonna pay more attention to that gut feeling.

[RainyCoast]

i think for starters you need to block her and cut contact with her- you seem to be making progress that is periodically undermined by her sending pics. the contact does not support your healing.

 

the insecurities bit- i agree with whoever said it was a difference in values. her core beliefs allow her to live like she does without feeling wrong- so she has no intrinsic motivation to behave differently. you on the other hand, cannot brainwash yourself into accepting her "truth" because it counters your idea of relationships and intimacy (that is not insecurity. it's having standards.)

you two would not have been fixed by you simply getting over your standards- because you can't just get over your moral compass and your desire to for healthy bonding.

 

i think you said it well- you were lonely and thus easily gave into manipulation and pretended you can accept what you clearly know is an unhealthy bond; you describe yourself as "pathetic" and have probably felt alone and undeserving enough to accept this treatment, rather than love.

 

 

the good thing is you obviously know a dysfunction when you see one, you're not telling yourself this is love, you are not idealizing this person and you recognize her disposition as "manipulative" and "walking all over you". so you must also recognize you deserve better. simply blocking her may go a long way- and if you decide to seek counseling, you already recognize the sense of abandonement and low self-esteem that made you agree to what does not agree with you, so methinks you could milk the counseling and build yourself an emotional structure that supports your happiness, integrity and future relationships.

 

sometimes we just need someone to confirm we deserve to make the choice to cut such people off. i remember putting off breaking up with someone who was very wrong for me out of the pervasive belief that i perpetually owed people something.

 

best of luck OP, keep updating us if it helps to talk it out!