Liefde Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 It is my last night in this big old home......! It have so many memories good and bad......! We moved in here when R was only a year C was born here......! Wow the years moved so fast.....! I will miss this place.......! Thank you house for all the years you kept my family warm and safe...! Sorry for the last four years of pain........! Sorry for all you had to see after their death's.........! I hope you can only keep the good memories.......! I hope you can be a happy place for a new family.....! I feel okay tonight not happy not sad............! Just empty........! I don't want to think to much it is good this way. I knew this day would come at some point where I would have to take this step.....! In some ways I feel relieved it is happening.......! I am moving on in life..............! It took a long time for this step but I took it...............! Baby steps........! I miss you two......! Take good care of each other.....! See you two....! Big hugs. [video=youtube;q9cidpLcPgA] ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liefde Posted December 6, 2015 Author Share Posted December 6, 2015 [video=youtube;1eR1ni6sZK4] ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liefde Posted January 2, 2016 Author Share Posted January 2, 2016 [video=youtube;3Y2icHOgC5U] ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liefde Posted January 2, 2016 Author Share Posted January 2, 2016 Where do I go this year..............! It's been four years......! How do I sort this mess in my heart and mind! I've learned to hide my feelings from everyone. It's keeping me safe but also keeping me from living and moving on in life. How do I let go and say " It was Gods will" it was different with the deaths of mom and dad. I could except it they were old and I had time with both of them to say goodbye. It's so different with my sons........! I still remember the last morning dropping them off at school "don't make dad wait for you two I'll be home late do your school work when you wait for dad to come get you"....! Then that phone call " Your family was in a car accident they are all taken to the hospital *ARE THEY OK* no we do not know how they are the doctors are working on them. I nearly killed myself getting to hospital "THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING" "GOD PLEASE LET THEM BE OK" was all that was going through my mind. When I walked in I knew it was not good, one could see in there eyes they didn't want to be the one to deal with you. "IS MY FAMILY OK, WHERE ARE THEY, CAN I SEE THEM". The head sister was the one that did start talking. Your husband is in the operating theatre! "WHERE IS MY TWO SONS"? We are so sorry we did all we could........! They didn't make it...! "THEY DIDN'T MAKE IT"? Life stopped...........! NO NO NO NO NO .........IT CAN'T BE GOD IT CAN'T BE......! Life is still on hold! I still can not say the words "I lost both my sons without crying". Yes I did learn to mean something to society again by starting to work nearly two years later after trying to end my life. That first year nothing mattered to me, I didn't want to live. I wanted it all to be over, I wanted to be with my sons......! It's really only say the last six months I started taking stock of life again! There is still so much I need to try and fix! Yes something's I will never be able to fix, I know but I must at least try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liefde Posted January 8, 2016 Author Share Posted January 8, 2016 How would you deal with you if you were in their shoes. I don't know...........! The same I guess........! They are not in my shoes.....! Don't change your life to try and stop my pain. Talk about your kids put their photos on your office table tell me what they did that was cute or made you smile I would have, I did it all the time. Don't hide them I know you have kids and every parent love to sometime share a few things about them in a work environment. Don't hide them to accommodate me, please don't! We all don't have to mourn my loss! If it gets to much I can walk away....! I don't want any one to feel guilty, bad or sad around me, enjoy life. It's some of those moments I see in your eyes and smiles that makes it possible to stand up every morning! Yes it hurts but it should not hurt the ones around me. Life is to short to try and accommodate me, one never have much time with them, they grow up so fast. I need to change no one els.........! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liefde Posted January 19, 2016 Author Share Posted January 19, 2016 I just want to sit here in the dark and let the tears flow..........! Seeing their friends, opened so many emotions today...! Was I a bad parent ................? They would still be alive if I did not work or had to work late that day! Why did I ask their dad that day to pick them up....! If I could give my life for them to live I will do it in a heartbeat, they deserve to be here not me.....! There is so many things they will never experience....! Why give them to me if you know you will need them soon in heaven? God what did I do wrong for you to take them from me...? Will I ever get in heaven to see them again.........? I feel so lost in my emotions and all these questions no one can really answer! Maybe this is hell, I just don't know it ...........! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liefde Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 Where are my two boys.....? It's a question I asked myself so many times the last four years......! Many times I feel they are in heaven and can see all I do. But is it really logical for me to think that way.........! I still talk to them it helps to make me feel better "to get through those days I miss them".........! Can they hear or see me I don't know........! It would have made me sad everyday if I could have seen them and they were in the emotional pain and turmoil I find myself so often......! How would they have felt if they saw everything that did happen in the last four years.......! Would it still be heaven if they could see all......! Yes I speak to them but it is to help me through the day, is it wrong to act and be this way, no, I am a little crazy I know........! We all have our own cripple way to get through life..........! Their are so many questions I've asked the last four years.......! I wonder if I will get a correct answer to 1% of them by the time my time is up on this earth......! Life was so simple four years ago when I just believed and never questioned life........! Today it's hard to go through a day with my mind not halting on one.....! The last few years there is always some battle going on in this mind........! One I'm not always winning or more to the point rarely win..........! Life broke..........! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liefde Posted January 29, 2016 Author Share Posted January 29, 2016 Today was really the first day I felt sexually attracted to my ex husband since the death of our boys. I wanted to hold him and feel his strong arm's around me and rest my head on his chest. I really wanted to have him close to me......! But it didn't happen............! It was like it was the last few year, stiff and formal......! I think he is still scared to come close to me after it all.......! I buggered up everything so bad in my life....! I hope he reads the letter I wrote, it took so long to do and I mean ever word in it. I don't blame him for their deaths it took a long time but it was a accident. Their is nothing he could have done different. If I just could have hold it together better in the first two years. It must have looked like I blamed him for their deaths the way I acted....! I buggered so much up in those first two years........! It's hard to look at myself in a mirror and to feel proud of myself if I look into my own eyes...! I hate myself, I don't deserve him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liefde Posted March 8, 2016 Author Share Posted March 8, 2016 It's C birthday today.............! It hurts so much tonight............! His little body lay in a coffin under a piece of black granite in the rain tonight......! Why............? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liefde Posted March 10, 2016 Author Share Posted March 10, 2016 I'm going to empty this bottle of vodka tonight to try and forget...............! It's better than blowing my brains out............! I can't go on this way....! I miss them so much...............! I'm tired, the hole in my life will never go away...................! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liefde Posted March 16, 2016 Author Share Posted March 16, 2016 I'm back on my meds..............! Every thing feels numb, not real but yes it is....! The evidence is all around their photos their toys the vacation videos their graves..........! God I don't think I will ever be able to except it, even drugged as now..........! It still hurts.........! I want them back......! I miss them...........! Life is a big black hole I don't understand or can escape from, its slowly killing me......! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liefde Posted March 23, 2016 Author Share Posted March 23, 2016 It's just past 11pm, it's dark and cold outside the wind is strong......! I feel so alone....! I want to be at their graves tonight......! I miss them so much........... Tomorrow easter weekend starts....! Years ago it meant a lot to me....! But now it is just one more pointless thing.....! One more thing that don't make sense.........! One more why...! It is full moon .......! Maybe I should go....! I'm not going to sleep now, I can just as well go..! I don't care if it is dangerous any more....! If someone wants to kill me they will do me a favour....! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liefde Posted March 27, 2016 Author Share Posted March 27, 2016 I had a very crappy but different dream this morning. Normally I would see my son's in some form, sometimes one, sometimes both "them themselves or a reflection or them in some form" and me trying to get to them, them being in a crowed, or on water or ice or a mountain but always to far, or something in the way, stopping me from getting to them. Today! I was this really hungry sugar ant looking for something to eat. I saw this large grain of sugar and was thinking "aaaaaw it's going to taste nice how lucky I am" running to it. As I came close I felt this wind blowing me away. It was a human "or God" blowing me away intentionally with his breath, I could not see the face but the body had the form of a human. I was so hungry and run again to the sugar and again the wind. I could not stop myself I wanted the sugar grain "it was mine nothings going to stop me" and I tried over and over to get to it. Then I heard the words "your a feisty one". Then there was a finger in my way shoving me around. I wanted the sugar grain so bad, I tried to get around the finger. This went on for a long time, I remember I started crying out of frustration for not getting to the sugar grain. Then I saw a second finger coming, the two fingers now grabbed one of my left legs. I felt this incredible pain in my leg as I was lifted in the air "it really hurt so bad, I felt like throwing up out of pain". I heard the words "do you really think you will win this battle with me!" as I dangled in the air. It moved me around and was looking at me, but I could not see the face. It moved me close to the sugar grain "but the pain was so much I didn't want it anymore". I just wanted the pain to stop. It took me into the air and the voice "you will never have it" as it started shaking me. I could not do a thing!"The pain was so bad, it felt like it was shaking me around by my left arm in my human mind and form". I felt as my left leg tore from my body from his violent shaking. I was free as I saw my leg in his fingers, me falling to the earth "I lost my leg". I was free, was going through my mind, as I was falling into the darkness. The dream ended that way with me falling. [video=youtube;MQJhUHxnxso] They both would have loved this video, they loved owls. The easter before their deaths we were at a game park they enjoyed to see the animals so much....! Both wanted to become game rangers.....! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.