Operation Finding Girlfriend

[TheSpoon2Big]

Geez, how much time and space does this girl need to "think about things"??? Just dragging this out it seems. If I was Brad Pitt or James Bond, do you think she'd need time to think about things? Lol I don't feel like she places a high value on me

[browneyedgirl36]

Geez, how much time and space does this girl need to "think about things"??? Just dragging this out it seems. If I was Brad Pitt or James Bond, do you think she'd need time to think about things? Lol I don't feel like she places a high value on me

 

Hasn't it only been a couple of days? Honestly, it may take WAY longer than that, and it has nothing to do with whether or not you're "Brad Pitt or James Bond," I can assure you.

 

No one knows for sure what's going on in her head, but my guess is that she's not interested in continuing with you at this point, and she's "taking time to think about things" to soften the blow OR to keep her options open in case she changes her mind.

 

If in fact she IS taking time to think about things, I can assure you she needs more than a few days. Again, nothing to do with looks or prestige or anything. She may genuinely need time to sort herself out.

 

That said, I and a few others have said before, consider that you're broken up. Act as though you are broken up -- that is, don't contact on her. Try to focus on your own stuff.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Do you guys agree with this at all? Just curious, in general:

 

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[browneyedgirl36]

P.S. I read one of your earlier posts where you said you think a lot of us probably think you're a "bad guy" because you only post when you're having problems, and I wanted to address that: No one here thinks you're "bad"! What we DO think -- or at least what I think since I can't speak for everyone else -- is that you're very desperate to have a girlfriend, and it's causing you a lot of unnecessary stress and drama. No one's saying you need to be a monk or anything, but you'v got to take time to get to know someone before getting so attached. You've got to slow things down -- fast-tracking a relationship out of need or desperation is generally going to result in disaster. Putting all your eggs in one basket for one person is nearly always going to result in disaster.

 

There just seem to be a lot of insecurity, anxiety, and uncertainty -- on your end, anyway -- in this very short relationship. As I've said to a ton of other posters on here: The early stages of dating/relationships should be fun, lighthearted, simple. All this intense stuff so early on doesn't bode well for a lasting relationship.

 

You DO seem like a good guy. You just need to not make having a girlfriend some sort of determining factor in your worth, and it can't be the deciding factor as to whether or not you are happy. These are things I had to learn the hard way, so I speak from experience.

[browneyedgirl36]

Do you guys agree with this at all? Just curious, in general:

 

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I agree, in general, that this is true (barring VERY rare circumstances in which two people meet and one person has an extremely demanding job -- i.e. a medical intern, or a job that takes him or her out of town several weeks a month, etc.) and they legitimately CAN'T spend as much time together as they'd ideally like to.

 

Otherwise, yeah. We make time for what's important to us. I can speak from experience that wen I really like a guy, I WILL make time -- even re-arranging my schedule to do so, when it's reasonable and feasible to. I'm pretty busy with my job, and I have a lot of friends and interests, so when I met my boyfriend and wanted to pursue a relationship with him, I worked on managing my time better so that he and I could have quality time together without feeling stressed. He has two children, too, and a job and other interests and friends, so we've both had to work on that. We do it because we want to be together. That's all there is to it.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Hasn't it only been a couple of days? Honestly, it may take WAY longer than that, and it has nothing to do with whether or not you're "Brad Pitt or James Bond," I can assure you.

 

No one knows for sure what's going on in her head, but my guess is that she's not interested in continuing with you at this point, and she's "taking time to think about things" to soften the blow OR to keep her options open in case she changes her mind.

 

If in fact she IS taking time to think about things, I can assure you she needs more than a few days. Again, nothing to do with looks or prestige or anything. She may genuinely need time to sort herself out.

 

That said, I and a few others have said before, consider that you're broken up. Act as though you are broken up -- that is, don't contact on her. Try to focus on your own stuff.

 

Yes technically I suppose it hasn't been that long... she said "let me reach out to you" as parting words on the phone on the 17th, so that was 3 days ago now? Now that we're entering into the weekend, I'm getting more bummed. I just imagine she'll maybe hit up any of the other guys who may be in her "orbit", if that's what she's looking for. Or if she truly truly truly is still distraught over her ex, maybe she was serious when she said she needed a break from dating ANYONE. But still.... weekend without her, without any plans like we would have made if we were still "boyfriend/girlfriend"....

 

You're right, no one knows what's going on in her head. As somewhat painful to me as it is to read what you said about your guess being that she's not interested in continuing anything with me at this point, I suppose I have to agree. Better that than to think we're getting back together and have that not happen....

 

If she really is dragging this out to "soften the blow", in a way she's making it worse. Maybe she thinks all things pass with time.... and soon I'll just be a short lived memory for her and vice versa and it'll be easier to say bye more as a stranger than anyone with whom you shared a bed (had sex, I mean) and put titles on your relationship, making it "official".

 

Trying to focus on my own stuff. I went to the gym last night after work, I got a haircut, and I'm feeling OK going into the weekend. Just can't stand to be waiting around for her. Plus, I imagine she'll be out having fun this weekend or something, and I won't be part of it.

[Ms Darcy]

Do you guys agree with this at all? Just curious, in general:

 

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I think a truer saying is "When you really value yourself, you know to take the time to be the right person before you can find the right person."

[TheSpoon2Big]

So, it's just past 9pm here. Having trouble getting this girlfriend off my mind. Meaning, the weekends are the toughest I guess if you're not talking and waiting for her to break up with me I guess. I would have loved to have had a date with her tonight and spend the weekend had not all of this happened. I wonder what she's up to right now or for the rest of the night. Or tomorrow night... is she with friends? On a date? I don't know.

[Coldarmy13]

I hear you and I know situation is hard for you because I was in your shoes not all that long ago.

 

How about instead of overthinking the meaning of this gift and when she got it for you or her intentions, etc. you can put your foot down and not bring up the gift at all. Hell with that gift, sir.

[FlashEng1]

So, it's just past 9pm here. Having trouble getting this girlfriend off my mind. Meaning, the weekends are the toughest I guess if you're not talking and waiting for her to break up with me I guess. I would have loved to have had a date with her tonight and spend the weekend had not all of this happened. I wonder what she's up to right now or for the rest of the night. Or tomorrow night... is she with friends? On a date? I don't know.

 

Being the dumpee is such a horrible feeling to be having, and I'm so sorry to hear you're going through it BigSpoon.. I've been in that position a couple of times in my life, including recently twice by the same woman. Leaving many details out, she wanted and continued hinting at dating exclusively when we were talking, yet her actions sort of spoke differently when I gave her just that. She continued to play the elusive game of replying to texts hours later (when you know they're not busy!), or not answering the phone when you call, with reasons that hardly made any logical sense (at least to us). Three weeks ago she broke things off claiming we were both always busy and could hardly make time for one another, when in reality it was but her that was always busy. I told her time was a fixable problem in dating/relationships, and if that's her excuse then to be sure it wasn't worth the effort to work on and lose what we had over. We had been talking for months and have introduced one another to our kids, as well as included them in our hangouts before. I gave her a couple of days and did what I normally advise against: I contacted her first. It was on Mother's Day where I sent the first text wishing her a HMD, and then a second that night wanting a chance to dinner and to "make time" for her.. Now this was a bad idea for two reasons: 1 - You never contact the other person first when the dumpee. If you really are giving them time/space, then it is up to them and only them on how soon to contact you back, in the mean time you fight every nerve in your body to set aside your feelings for this person (the impossible task, I know!) and continue improving on yourself. 2 - We broke up over something that was not my problem! I knew I was making time for her when ever the opportunity came up. I also knew I wasn't always making myself 100% available so as to look desperate or always be available for her. So to take the responsibility of someone else's issue(s), and claim to work on it as if it were your own, you're setting yourself up for failure trying to please someone else this way. In your case it's her ex. It's not your fault or your problem she is not over her ex. Taking on the role of the "waiting boyfriend" is never a good place to be in. There's very little you can do or say to help someone get over their ex! So anyway, things started to pick up again and seem well... until...

 

You know, there's this saying about forcing things that just aren't meant to be. And no matter how much we try to hold on to what isn't meant for us, in time we will lose it anyway... Well, FF to this past weekend, where I met up with her and a couple of her girlfriends at a bar where the night ended in two of her friends arguing and her playing mediator (never had behavior like this before when we've been out). They all storm out of the bar to finish whatever was going on, while I finished my beer and gave them a couple of minutes to calm before stepping out to say by as well. I don't see any of them parked outside anymore, so I figured they took off still arguing and going on, and send a good night text. When I don't hear from her again for two days, I finally call on Monday to find out they had taken separate cars and she got into a car accident and just got out of the hospital from staying half the weekend. To make the situation worse, because her children were always at their grandmother's house (where their dad also lives), they took her in to take care of her for the week.

 

Can you guess what happened next?? ..Yes, things once again came crashing down when I hear a week later that her ex of 4 years being broken up and her are discussing her moving in and that she's not sure how she really feels about him anymore. Months ago it was no where near that! After doing the best I could being the stranger dating her and offering as much support as I could during her accident and making time for her; there's nothing else I could do but wish her the best, lick my wounds, and move on.

 

I may not spend as much time as you having those second guessing-style thoughts, but they do appear every now and then. I do know those thoughts too well though.. Wondering what I could have said differently, or done differently. Wondering what she's up to at that time, or wondering how much she really felt about me to begin with. Sad that I know I disabled my dating accounts mid conversation with some really great women that would have probably been far less "drama" and work overall, but that it was too late for all of that. Though you can grow wise from reflection and gaining insight on your actions; you can also be driven mad by it all as well. When you start to obsess over those very thoughts or fears, is when you start to head down a path of madness. Things happen. Plain and simple. How you respond to what happens, and how you navigate your own emotion through it all is what makes you who you are. There's nothing different you could have said or done differently to have made it work out. There's another person in the mix will have their own string of decision-making and thoughts as well.. You're You. And that's perfectly fine!! You can work to improve yourself and grow, but not everyone you meet or date will be right for "You," no matter how you act or speak.

 

Every incident between your now "ex-girlfriend" (repeat that over and over, your EX girlfriend) and you is a clear indication to everyone around you (Us, eNA, that is) that things between the two of you are done. And the most loving reply to "but how do you know" that I can think of at the moment is "Because I do." I understand how it can be a little unhelpful and patronizing even to hear that, but one of the many reasons for that is because your mind is currently lost in the fog of ambiguity right now. It's so clouded in judgement that every line or text received, phone call made, and conversation to be had is something cryptic and "new" to the situation that needs to be decoded, ideally offering hope. However the truth of the matter is plain and simple: She's not the right girl for you right now. You two are broken up. You claimed to be getting ready to do it a few pages back, only to believe she did it first, only to retract that in believing that things were open and hopeful, only to be confused once again believing that things are over, but that you're waiting for "confirmation."

 

Wait no more. Take the action in your life that you deserve, today, and wait for no one else to catch up to you or hold you back. You don't need to tell her anything more. You don't need to reassure her of your decision, or that you're there for her to talk when and if she's ready, or even to get final closure on whether or not she's getting over or with her ex. It starts with you making a conscious effort to walk away from it today because you've had enough of it all already. Only when you're truly done with the waiting, or late night self-debates and reminiscing, will you then get up and do something about it all. When you're ready to do that, then the first step is to delete her phone number from your phone and to start telling yourself that you two are over. When she contacts you for whatever reason, and you do decide to answer, you can then decide to share with her your stance on things and how you care about her and have no anger or resentment toward her, but that you've decided for yourself that you are moving on with your life. She can only respect that and move on herself.

[TheSpoon2Big]

I am struggling with this. I can't tell if I'm just being passive aggressive and using it as a means to talk to me, or to maybe somehow elicit a reaction out of her should I not accept and discard this gift she gave me.

 

To recap: she purchased a massage session with a company/lady/massage therapist for me. Price and gratuity included and even set the appointment up for me this coming Sunday. The present itself was just the gift certificate/printout of the receipt of purchase or whatever.

 

I told this "girlfriend" that it feels awkward accepting her gift but she said "It's not awkward, it was a gift". My last text to her after she confirmed my email address for the massage therapist to send confirmation paperwork to me was "Still feels awkward" to which I have received absolutely no reply. That was on the 19th, so 2 days ago?

 

Sooooooo.... do I keep the gift? Do I give it back politely declining? Do I just cancel the massage appointment or not show up, potentially making her gift a waste of $? I'm not trying to scheme up some kind of plan here, I'm just wondering how some of you might handle this situation.

 

Reason is, if we're not together, and especially if she is still not talking to me because of her "space and time", I don't feel right accepting the gift and actually going to the appointment and getting a massage.

 

Does that make any sense to anyone? I don't want to be rude about this or make it awkward, but I am not OK with going to get this massage if by Sunday she is still not talking to me...

[TheSpoon2Big]

I hear you and I know situation is hard for you because I was in your shoes not all that long ago.

 

How about instead of overthinking the meaning of this gift and when she got it for you or her intentions, etc. you can put your foot down and not bring up the gift at all. Hell with that gift, sir.

 

So I trash it? Don't go to the massage appointment/session? I feel like if I don't, she'll think I'm doing it out of spite and if she's on the fence about me right now and I go and do that, it'll definitely push her over the fence away from me.

But I could be missing the point here that she's probably already on the other side of the fence and there's nothing I can do about it, it seems.

 

God I really want to text or call her. Each day that passes makes me more anxious and a little bit upset.... I'm thinking to myself "what are you doing to me here, just dragging me along waiting around for you to make up your mind" and I think "this is BS, you are messing with my head here and it's not cool"

[TheSpoon2Big]

I think a truer saying is "When you really value yourself, you know to take the time to be the right person before you can find the right person."

 

I agree certainly, that pic/quote I saw was more geared towards just the context of relationships i.e. when people want to see one another and place a high value on the other person, you will definitely find time to fit them into your busy schedule. Like browneyed said (I think), when she was ready to pursue a relationship, she managed her time in order to be able to see him etc. My thing was just frustration at how many times this girl I'm talking about and I had plans that she changed, cancelled, or acted weird about i.e. dropping her off at her house after I took her out to a $$$ dinner and in the parking lot of her apartment in my car, she tells me she wants to have sex with me but doesn't want me to be disappointed because she doesn't want me to sleep over.... blah blah blah

[Coldarmy13]

So I trash it? Don't go to the massage appointment/session? I feel like if I don't, she'll think I'm doing it out of spite and if she's on the fence about me right now and I go and do that, it'll definitely push her over the fence away from me.

But I could be missing the point here that she's probably already on the other side of the fence and there's nothing I can do about it, it seems.

 

God I really want to text or call her. Each day that passes makes me more anxious and a little bit upset.... I'm thinking to myself "what are you doing to me here, just dragging me along waiting around for you to make up your mind" and I think "this is BS, you are messing with my head here and it's not cool"

 

Nah you don't have to trash it. But either you go and enjoy it or don't go. Doesn't matter what she thinks about anything to do with it either. I have a feeling she isn't thinking about that massage all that much anyway. It was a gift to you, now it's yours and you can go and enjoy it whenever. Too much thought is being out Into this whole massage thing.

 

I know it doesn't seem like it, but the wondering about her is going to happen, but you can work towards a mind set to not dwell on it, and with time it will get better. Really hope you take some time to yourself, and take a break from your own head once in awhile.

[Ms Darcy]

You're not in love with her. You barely know her. You are just freaking out about being alone.

 

I don't think it matters if you keep the gift or not. The "relationship" is over. I think you are just obsessing as a way to keep some contact/connection with her.

[TheSpoon2Big]

You're not in love with her. You barely know her. You are just freaking out about being alone.

 

I don't think it matters if you keep the gift or not. The "relationship" is over. I think you are just obsessing as a way to keep some contact/connection with her.

I know, I barely know her. Thought I had/have "feelings" for her. Even when we were talking on the phone last week, she was telling me that she had feelings for me and told me if she saw me with some other girl she'd get jealous (don't know why that was her first example). But yes, more importantly, I tend to latch on too quickly. My pursuing of my 2yr ex worked when I pursued her more and more and finally she reciprocated. Different girl, different time...

 

It's almost worse when I know what I do wrong, or I mean that I KNOW I have abandonment issues and feel lonely without someone, yet struggle with how NOT to act on it. It's like I am watching myself in slow motion.

 

However, I'm not lonely to the extreme that I'll take just anyone... there have been a slew of girls I've met since I started this dating thread of mine that wouldn't leave me alone and were all over me 24/7, and I didn't want them, wasn't attracted, nada.

Nah you don't have to trash it. But either you go and enjoy it or don't go. Doesn't matter what she thinks about anything to do with it either. I have a feeling she isn't thinking about that massage all that much anyway. It was a gift to you, now it's yours and you can go and enjoy it whenever. Too much thought is being out Into this whole massage thing.

 

I know it doesn't seem like it, but the wondering about her is going to happen, but you can work towards a mind set to not dwell on it, and with time it will get better. Really hope you take some time to yourself, and take a break from your own head once in awhile.

I'm still on the fence about it. Do I go and enjoy it and think "well screw her I'm still gonna enjoy this massage" or do I not go in some messed up hopes that she will find out I didn't go and finally contact me.

 

Leaning more towards just going anyways. You're right, she probably doesn't care. Unless she calls me tomorrow night and asks how the massage went, if that (or me) is even on her mind at all.

 

I keep thinking how she told me how she was still planning on reaching out to me but needed more time still and "hoped I'd understand". .

 

 

Oh well guys, this is going to be a little hurdle challenge for me to not attempt to contact her. If I feel like calling her, I'm going to post here instead if I have to just get my thoughts written down, which helps me.

[Coldarmy13]

Id say go get the massage. Why not?! Ill take it.

 

Good luck, DONT contact her first.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Id say go get the massage. Why not?! Ill take it.

 

Good luck, DONT contact her first.

 

 

 

• Yea, I think I'll go get the massage... would need to leave here in about 20min. I don't know why, but it feels so incredibly strangely awkward doing this, knowing that the massage lady knows my "girlfriend/ex-girlfriend/whatever" and they have a history therefore the deal she got when purchasing a massage as a gift for me from her, etc... it's not just some random massage certificate at your local massage chain store. If I didn't show up, this massage lady would contact my girl and ask if everything was OK, if I'd like to reschedule, see if I forgot the time or couldn't find the place, stuff like that. Part of my resistance was thinking "hey, if I don't go, maybe that'll prompt (this girl's name) to call me!"
  
• I tried not thinking of her yesterday, but it was hard. Hung out with a friend of mine, we went to a dog park with his dog and let her off the leash to go play. As we were walking I started to think about the how’s and whys this girl is doing this to me...this whole “...I do still plan on reaching out to you but I still need some time to think about things. I hope you understand.”
  
• I'm angry, thinking to myself "why would you do that to another human being, leaving them hanging so long?"... I'm angry now thinking too, what if she's obviously done with me, but she's just keeping me around as some sort of last resort option, or just wants to keep me in her "orbit" while she tries to find another guy or two that do it for her more than me, then I'm no longer necessary. If that happened, would she even tell me? Probably not.
  
• The silence and never hearing from her again would just eat me up. I guess I like closure, even if it's somewhat negative. At least, that's how my serious long term relationships have always ended, in chaotic fashion or with a bang. Of course that's not really ideal or healthy, it's just what I'm sort of used to, knowing where we stand in a way... I don't know.
  
• I caved a little last night though guys... I did NOT contact her though. I know she has a thing for sloths, so I went on Amazon and bought her a stuffed sloth animal and had it shipped to her address. I included a note saying "thinking of you, miss you, take care". It'll arrive on Tuesday. Tuesday will have marked an entire full week of no contact from her since she first asked to have time to think.
  
• Never really been in a situation where a girl needed so much "time to think" with reference to me/her. I don't know what a reasonable amount of normal time would be, if there is one. So I'm supposed to just be on the hook indefinitely while she makes up her mind about me? Also, even if she did come back to me saying "Yea you know I've been thinking a lot and I definitely want to be with you, I want to give this a shot" blah blah, how would I feel/react? I guess part of me would be happy, but another part of me would be like "geez, thanks for just keeping me in limbo wondering about you constantly".
  
• The only part about this whole ordeal that makes me feel "OK" with it at all is just knowing that if she never comes back, or if she does eventually tell me she doesn't want to be with me, at least I can take some comfort in knowing that it's less my fault than it is just the fact that she's not over her ex and in general not ready to date. And yes, I know I've displayed needy and unhealthy behavior with her a little, but that appears to be less of a determining factor in what she's going through with her stages of the breakup of her long term boyfriend.
  
• So that's that, taking comfort in knowing that I'm possibly less to blame for her "pulling back" and distancing herself and now needing all this "time to think", which feels like it's taking forever. I'm sure it feels good to her knowing she's got me on the hook and can always fall back thinking "oh I know (my name) likes me so....".
  
• I'm a little sadder today because tonight the show Game of Thrones is on, and I quote her when I say that she said "it's our thing now", since we've watched every episode this season together so far.
  
• Ugh, oh well, right? Easier said than done.... I have my first appointment with my new therapist (male this time around) tomorrow after work. Apprehensive, but hopeful. I also signed up and will try again the group therapy (DBT) once a week on Sat mornings. That one is a little more intensive and requires all these homework type of sheets where you have to work on specific behavior traits/thoughts/emotions and bring them back to group to share and talk about, etc.
  
• Long enough rant? I'm sorry guys. It's helpful to me to jot my thoughts down, even more helpful when I get feedback from you guys. I know you genuinely care, or you wouldn't be on this forum in the first place, and wouldn't comment on my thread. And I'm glad/surprised that Darcy and Browneyed remember me from 2 years ago.
  

[TheSpoon2Big]

Getting more sad today. The massage therapist said "make sure to tell your girlfriend thank you again also" when I left... thanks for the reminder... going through all of these things below in my head, can't help but ask WHY did she act like this, and WHY is she so different now, WHY does her ex and her not being over him have such power over her still, they've been broken up for almost 1yr exactly... WHY act like this and say these things to someone if you don't care about them, a relationship with them, or if you're not over your ex? Why get on a PAID "serious" dating website, go through all the trouble to make a profile, put up with all the weirdo and creepy guys who bother women online, meet someone, like them, date them, sleep with them, say these kind of things to them, and even the day we really got into it about her not being over her ex, she even texted me initially, "Have I been pulling back...perhaps, but it's completely unrelated to my ex" ----- !!!!

 

 

When she asked me to come pick her and her friend up at another friend’s house one night as they had all too much too drink, I said, “As long as no one throws up in my car lol” and she said: “I know babe he won't” Apr 23 12:05am

 

Funny, when I mentioned her calling me, she was quick to say “Oh yea I was just drunk”….

 

After our first date:

 

Sweet dreams, handsome!

Apr 11 10:24pm

My car smells like you...I like it.

Apr 12 5:55am

 

Cant remember what prompted this one but she texted me once:

 

Your eyes are so Mmmm. So hot!

Apr 13 5:02pm

I wanted to say pretty, but I'm not sure how a guy would take that

Apr 13 5:03pm

 

One time we were talking about me growing facial hair or not:

 

I wish you knew how much I'm giggling over this conversation. Honestly, you're very good looking, so no matter what you do it'll look great. I'm just attracted to facial hair.

Apr 13 6:36pm

 

When she was so busy with school that we couldn’t hang out until she was done for the semester:

 

“I think I'll keep you around. We'll spend more time together, plus I'll be done with classes in 3 weeks. Then, I'll have much more time.”

 

“My car won't start. Will you look at it after work?”

Apr 18 6:49am

 

One morning referencing seeing me later that day/night:

 

“Good morning, got your recording. So cute! Im excited for this evening!”

Apr 14 8:58am

 

 

Referencing her bed after I left one night:

 

“It definitely smells like you. Mmm. Glad you made it home, sweet dreams.”

Apr 15 1:19am

 

One time, seemingly out of nowhere:

 

“I like you”

Apr 29 5:44pm

 

When I was trying to be sweet/make her feel better when she was sick:

 

“You make me smile. Thanks for being so sweet when I feel crummy.”

May 12 4:49pm

 

 

Looking back now, I just have to laugh to keep myself from going crazy. I guess it follows that women can feel and act upon an emotion in one moment and then completely flip 180*...

 

 

I have a friend (male) who says I do too much "white-knighting" with women...

[FlashEng1]

Good luck with your new therapist tomorrow BigSpoon!! I hope he'll be able to connect with you better than the other(s), and help you get past this nasty breakup with your ex-girlfriend.

[Coldarmy13]

You're going to drive yourself crazy reliving everything over day after day. Eventually it will sink in and you'll start to let go. It isn't unusual to dwell after a tough break up, just give yourself time.

 

I know you miss who you thought she was to you, but sending her a gift is almost worse than contacting her. It's a message with a gift, which she doesn't really deserve. You seem to be letting slide that hmshe made a decision to date you when she wasn't ready, then left you when she realized it. At least she sounds honest about that and from your posts you suspected it all along. No matter how you choose to sugar coat it, she hurt you and yet you still keep doing and saying sweet things to her. Don't you feel like you should have more self respect than that? You have to focus more on YOU than her and this isn't going to be healthy for you.

[TheSpoon2Big]

a) I’m getting impatient, annoyed, or angry? I really want to send her a text like this: “Alright, I can take a hint. Can’t wait around for you forever. Kinda rude to just leave someone hanging when you know they like you and would like to pursue a relationship potentially if you would also put both feet in” or something like that.

 

b) Or there’s the advice to just NOT CONTACT HER at all…

 

c) Part of me almost actually DOESN’T want to hear from her though since at this point I assume it’s going to be “Hey, thought about things, don’t think this is going to work out, I’m not over my ex”, blah blah blah. Then I’d be like “Gee, cool, figured as much, thanks for taking so long to get back to me with the obvious”

 

d) I really don’t think she wants to be with me by now. I feel like if she was genuinely interested, or genuinely is over her ex now, she would have already contacted me.

 

e) The anger I feel is just like “thanks for dragging this on” and generally thinking that this is her way of letting me down slowly, doesn’t want to come out and “hurt me”, since she told me many times how she hates breaking up with guys or just “disappointing” people and making them hurt/upset at all. So maybe she knows I was hurt when we talked last week, so she just went with the “Oh I just need some time to think” crap.

 

 

f) Comments/suggestions/help? Perhaps never hearing from her again is closure in itself?

[Ms Darcy]

Write here instead of texting her. Control yourself.

 

The relationship is over. You just need to start accepting that.

[reinventmyself]

f) Comments/suggestions/help? Perhaps never hearing from her again is closure in itself?

 

Yes. Resist the temptation.

Sit on your hands and in time it will get easier.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Good luck with your new therapist tomorrow BigSpoon!! I hope he'll be able to connect with you better than the other(s), and help you get past this nasty breakup with your ex-girlfriend.

 

Thanks Flash, I'm looking forward to it too. Always sucks starting all over again with a new therapist, but I'm interested to now have a male therapist because the last 6000 I had were all female. Just figured maybe a male might be better for me, who knows.

 

 

You're going to drive yourself crazy reliving everything over day after day. Eventually it will sink in and you'll start to let go. It isn't unusual to dwell after a tough break up, just give yourself time.

 

I know you miss who you thought she was to you, but sending her a gift is almost worse than contacting her. It's a message with a gift, which she doesn't really deserve. You seem to be letting slide that she made a decision to date you when she wasn't ready, then left you when she realized it. At least she sounds honest about that and from your posts you suspected it all along. No matter how you choose to sugar coat it, she hurt you and yet you still keep doing and saying sweet things to her. Don't you feel like you should have more self respect than that? You have to focus more on YOU than her and this isn't going to be healthy for you.

 

Eventually sink in, let go, yes you're right. I guess that's sort of the normal process of breakups or rejection. You dwell, reminisce, then give up/forget about it. Dating someone for 1.5 months should just be water off my back, you'd think. I struggle more with rejection/abandonment and HATE that I am so freaking "sensitive" and feel normal people emotion's 10x stronger.

 

I really like what you said about the gift I sent her that she doesn't deserve. It's too late now, they'll deliver it tomorrow. I feel a little foolish, "Thinking about you, miss you" note included. Perhaps tomorrow will be the day she calls and tells me the dreaded but anticipated "sorry, can't do this" crap.

 

She certainly was honest, I suppose. At least she knew enough to recognize that she isn't over her ex. Maybe I'm the one who brought it more to her attention. Like you said (and many others here), I sort of sensed that maybe she wasn't over her ex. It was just a hunch, and she vehemently denied it when I asked her a few times. But last week when the breakdown happened, she came more to terms with it perhaps, and admitted it to me.

 

Yes, she hurt me. I know I didn't know her long, but is that OK to say she hurt me? I mean I haven't contacted her since saying sweet things, but the stuffed animal gift was stupid. I always do things for girls like little thoughtful gifts, I send flowers, etc. I even bought this girl in discussion big sets of roses on two separate occasions and brought them to her in hand.

 

I have to have more self respect, yes. I just can't figure out HOW. I don't really know what self respect means. I want to. Maybe therapy will help with that a little.