Operation Finding Girlfriend

[Ms Darcy]

When you say owning the incompatibility, what does that mean? Like, I am responsible for us not getting along or something? Sorry just trying to understand.

 

I think she may be the one who walks away now that I have displayed such sh*t behavior.

 

What I mean is you need to recognize that you are incompatible. It's not about blaming you or her. It's just dead.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Gotcha. That makes sense... maybe bad timing too? I pretty much asked her why she was on a dating website and looking for something serious and NOT casual if she was still thinking of her ex.

 

It's so weird, I felt like she might not be over her ex from virtually the beginning of this "relationship" if you will, but I quietly kept it to myself (save for on here) thinking that I was maybe just crazy for thinking that. And look now, it's all come true!

[Coldarmy13]

Im sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted it to. She dumped you and now claims to just need time to think things out? Accept those as the same thing. Take plenty of time to yourself, and DO NOT contact her in any way. That's my advice. The incompatibility of the two of you is what brought all of this. The very needy behavior and I'd say you definitely were asking for a lot more than she was going to be able to give you. That isn't going to change. I'd recommend letting this one go and not trying to get her back or anything like that. If she contacts you, which she eventually probably will, it will be better to just be courteous and short with your responses, if you HAVE to respond at all.

 

You alluded to this often being as issue with you so it would be worth it to continue whatever therapy you've been doing and working on yourself before leaping into another relationship so soon.

[Ms Darcy]

I can't imagine that you are happy with this roller coaster relationship life you have going. I don't have to be a psychic to know that unless and until you actually resolve your abandonment issues and manage your PTSD better, none of these relationships will last.

 

I personally think you should be single for a few years and focus on upping your therapy.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Im sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted it to. She dumped you and now claims to just need time to think things out? Accept those as the same thing. Take plenty of time to yourself, and DO NOT contact her in any way. That's my advice. The incompatibility of the two of you is what brought all of this.

Yea I suppose the “dumping” and then the whole “I need time to think and sort this out” as a follow-up is throwing me off, but they might as well be one in the same… I haven’t contacted her since. Haven’t heard from her since either…

The very needy behavior and I'd say you definitely were asking for a lot more than she was going to be able to give you. That isn't going to change.

Was I always being very needy? I don’t think so. Not always, I mean. The texts and behavior examples I’ve given on here with regard to communication with her over the past few days or so, yes, but not always. Was asking to sleep over with her after sex too much to ask?

I thought and/or took her saying that “I don’t think I can give you what you need” and “I don’t want to be inadequate for you” as saying that she just wasn’t on the same page as me. I probed her a little more, asking if that’s just how she always is or if it’s to do with her whole not being over her ex thing, and she said it’s the latter of the two. She said she’s normally really affectionate and would initiate physical things like kisses, hugs, or sex. It’s the ex thing that’s holding her back…

I called this, you guys called this, way way long ago it seems. I had an intuition about her maybe not being over her ex because she talked about it a lot and when she talked about it her tone of voice and words were not the same type as I’ve heard from girls I’ve dated who really truly were over their ex and had reached “indifference” over it.

 

If she contacts you, which she eventually probably will, it will be better to just be courteous and short with your responses, if you HAVE to respond at all.

Do you really think she will? I mean, she said last night to “let me reach out to you” when we said goodbye, leaving that open to interpretation. That could be today, tonight, tomorrow, next week, next year, never. Who knows. I’m not going to try and pursue her. If we are supposed to be together or whatever stupid fate , I guess she’ll contact me. I’m still a little bummed.

 

You alluded to this often being as issue with you so it would be worth it to continue whatever therapy you've been doing and working on yourself before leaping into another relationship so soon.

 

 

Yes, and since my last therapist just retired/quit the practice, I’m in between therapists. I asked for a male therapist this next time since my last two have been female and the group therapist coordinator is female and I’m just sick of females running my entire life. I wanted to hear a male’s perspective.

I may have been leaping into a new relationship so soon, who knows. I’ve been single now since Oct of 2015. That’s 7 months now. I’ve been broken up/single even less time than this girl I’m trying to date now (she broke up with her ex in June, yet slept with him again in August, and talked to him as recently as Feb/March), so who’s to say when “too soon” is for someone.

I thought I was more ready than this girl that I’m talking about right now…

 

 

I can't imagine that you are happy with this roller coaster relationship life you have going. I don't have to be a psychic to know that unless and until you actually resolve your abandonment issues and manage your PTSD better, none of these relationships will last.

 

I personally think you should be single for a few years and focus on upping your therapy.

 

No, I’m not happy. Yes, I have serious abandonment issues. PTSD, BPD, etc. I don’t want to be single for a few YEARS though. I don’t think I need multiple years to figure it out. Would that be ideal? Perhaps. Realistic? No. Not sleeping with a girl for years? I couldn’t see that. Not going on dates and meeting new people for years? I’d be a recluse when I tried to start dating and would be rusty and all kinds of awkward and out of touch.

When I broke up with my last ex, I thought I would give myself 1yr of being single. Now that I’ve finally got my own apartment and am living alone, doing well at work, I thought I might be more ready to try a relationship now that I’m not living in a rented room in a stranger’s house, etc. More independent.

[Ms Darcy]

No, I’m not happy. Yes, I have serious abandonment issues. PTSD, BPD, etc. I don’t want to be single for a few YEARS though. I don’t think I need multiple years to figure it out. Would that be ideal? Perhaps. Realistic? No. Not sleeping with a girl for years? I couldn’t see that. Not going on dates and meeting new people for years? I’d be a recluse when I tried to start dating and would be rusty and all kinds of awkward and out of touch.

When I broke up with my last ex, I thought I would give myself 1yr of being single. Now that I’ve finally got my own apartment and am living alone, doing well at work, I thought I might be more ready to try a relationship now that I’m not living in a rented room in a stranger’s house, etc. More independent.

 

I myself have been single for 1-2 years between relationships before.

 

I think personally that your mental health issues have created codependency so deep you can't even recognize it. It's like part of your skin now. I'm not going to say anything about having sex or no. But what I am saying is that you have been chasing relationships for what? Let's say you have had these unhealthy relationships/dating situations for five years. And let's say you have 10-15 more years of this in the future. Because, my friend, I can't see you maintaining a relationship (healthy or unhealthy) for more than a few years. So you'll have 15/20 years of dating to what end? A trail of broken relationships and no lasting love.

 

If you took a step back and really reinvested in yourself, your hobby, your friends, your family, your career, your mental health ... then I dare say you could be very ready for a healthy relationship after a couple of years.

 

2 years versus 20 years for a healthy relationship. What sounds better to you?

[Coldarmy13]

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't wait around for her. If she does contact ever again don't leap back into her arms either too. She dumped you, that has to count for something. Try to keep your head high and hold yourself in high esteem.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Well it's 11pm here, my time. My "girlfriend" is most likely in bed. If she wanted to call, that probably would have been hours ago

 

No she's not talking to me tonight. Her whole "Let me reach out to you" thing bugs me. I would just like to know where we stand. Besides, I thought it'd be today/tonight that I'd hear from her. Not yet year. Or, that's if I hear from her ever again. Could have simply just been a walk to get me off off the phone and to never talk to her again. So maybe she'll tomorrow, the next day, maybe sometime in 2017.

 

#alittledepressed

[TheSpoon2Big]

I myself have been single for 1-2 years between relationships before.

 

I think personally that your mental health issues have created codependency so deep you can't even recognize it. It's like part of your skin now. I'm not going to say anything about having sex or no. But what I am saying is that you have been chasing relationships for what? Let's say you have had these unhealthy relationships/dating situations for five years. And let's say you have 10-15 more years of this in the future. Because, my friend, I can't see you maintaining a relationship (healthy or unhealthy) for more than a few years. So you'll have 15/20 years of dating to what end? A trail of broken relationships and no lasting love.

 

If you took a step back and really reinvested in yourself, your hobby, your friends, your family, your career, your mental health ... then I dare say you could be very ready for a healthy relationship after a couple of years.

 

2 years versus 20 years for a healthy relationship. What sounds better to you?

 

No you're right, 2 vs 20 years. I just turned 31 though, and I just don't want to be 35-40 before I have kits. Everyone around me in my life has kids say for me.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't wait around for her. If she does contact ever again don't leap back into her arms either too. She dumped you, that has to count for something. Try to keep your head high and hold yourself in high esteem.

 

Now that's it's been over 24hrs+ with no contact, I'm just going to lose expectations and assume I'll never hear from her.

 

What would I expect anyways, that she would come running back and jump in my arms. Double.

[Coldarmy13]

Well it's 11pm here, my time. My "girlfriend" is most likely in bed. If she wanted to call, that probably would have been hours ago

 

No she's not talking to me tonight. Her whole "Let me reach out to you" thing bugs me. I would just like to know where we stand. Besides, I thought it'd be today/tonight that I'd hear from her. Not yet year. Or, that's if I hear from her ever again. Could have simply just been a walk to get me off off the phone and to never talk to her again. So maybe she'll tomorrow, the next day, maybe sometime in 2017.

 

#alittledepressed

 

Unless im missing something, sounds like she made it clear where you two stand at the moment. I wouldn't look at her as my "girlfriend" anymore.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Unless im missing something, sounds like she made it clear where you two stand at the moment. I wouldn't look at her as my "girlfriend" anymore.

Yea I know but she never used the work breakup. She skirted around it on the phone granted and was headed that direction it seemed 90% or so, but then she got another call from her sister and said she'd call me back. And when she did call me back, she was telling me those stories about how she explained her situation to her sister and brother-in-law and they said listen I don't know what the problem is if he has XY and Z attributes and checks off some of the boxes you want in a guy and he is sweet and a gentleman what is your problem? What is the hold up and she said I don't know!

 

Then after that she got on the phone with me and said look I just need some time to process this tonight and I will be in touch with you. We weren't setting a specific date and time deadline to talk again, but I figured it might have been tonight and I don't understand the delay. I'd like to think of her as a more mature person that would be able to tell me at the very least over the phone what she's thinking and how she's feeling with her ex. That would give me a little piece of mind.

[Coldarmy13]

Yea I know but she never used the work breakup. She skirted around it on the phone granted and was headed that direction it seemed 90% or so, but then she got another call from her sister and said she'd call me back. And when she did call me back, she was telling me those stories about how she explained her situation to her sister and brother-in-law and they said listen I don't know what the problem is if he has XY and Z attributes and checks off some of the boxes you want in a guy and he is sweet and a gentleman what is your problem? What is the hold up and she said I don't know!

 

Then after that she got on the phone with me and said look I just need some time to process this tonight and I will be in touch with you. We weren't setting a specific date and time deadline to talk again, but I figured it might have been tonight and I don't understand the delay. I'd like to think of her as a more mature person that would be able to tell me at the very least over the phone what she's thinking and how she's feeling with her ex. That would give me a little piece of mind.

 

Either way, let her do the heavy lifting for awhile. When they ask for space/time, give them all they need and more.

[Ms Darcy]

No you're right, 2 vs 20 years. I just turned 31 though, and I just don't want to be 35-40 before I have kits. Everyone around me in my life has kids say for me.

 

Let's be realistic. Do you actually think you're going to meet, date, marry, and get your wife pregnant in a little over three years? Because if you keep going the way you are going, that's not going to happen. And to be honest you really need to think about whether having children is the right choice for you. Can you provide financially and emotionally? I don't want to discourage anyone from having kids, but I am very concerned you would be repeating your unresolved childhood wounds with your kids.

 

The other consideration is that you are a man. You have longer options for fertility than women. You can have kids into your 40s. So throw that silly timeline out the window. You are not other people. I had friends who married and had kids in their early 20s. Doing that would have been a disaster for me. Same for you.

 

You have to put yourself first man and not obsess about relationships. I think I told you this same thing two years ago. Think of where you could be if you actually did.

[browneyedgirl36]

I myself have been single for 1-2 years between relationships before.

 

I think personally that your mental health issues have created codependency so deep you can't even recognize it. It's like part of your skin now. I'm not going to say anything about having sex or no. But what I am saying is that you have been chasing relationships for what? Let's say you have had these unhealthy relationships/dating situations for five years. And let's say you have 10-15 more years of this in the future. Because, my friend, I can't see you maintaining a relationship (healthy or unhealthy) for more than a few years. So you'll have 15/20 years of dating to what end? A trail of broken relationships and no lasting love.

 

If you took a step back and really reinvested in yourself, your hobby, your friends, your family, your career, your mental health ... then I dare say you could be very ready for a healthy relationship after a couple of years.

 

2 years versus 20 years for a healthy relationship. What sounds better to you?

 

I agree wholeheartedly with this. I went FOUR (!) years between this relationship and my last one, and while I will admit that this is probably an extreme for most people, for me, I think, it was necessary after having gotten involved with the totally wrong person and been jerked around by him (a lot of which was my fault for allowing it) for nearly 5 years. I actually needed significant recovery time -- almost as if I were in an extended rehab -- and it was the best thing I could possibly have done because when I came out of it, I met the greatest guy ever.

 

Again, I'm not saying my timeline is good for everyone -- it was a long time, longer than most people would be willing to wait -- but I had things to work through, confidence to get back, self-esteem to get back, things I needed to do and experience so that I could be a better version of myself for the right person. And, honestly, I've never suffered from anything like BPD or PTSD, and I STILL needed that much time. Yes, I did go to therapy, intermittently, but it was more to help me to understand some patterns in my life so that I could work on changing them. I also had the added benefit of not wanting to have children, so I didn't have to worry about the "biological clock" or look at every guy as a potential husband/father for my kids. I feel like it cut out a lot of the pressure and helped me to choose more wisely.

 

I agree, too, that your timeline for having kids may not be realistic. Why so rigid on "kids by 35?" I mean, if you were a woman, I'd give slightly different -- though not entirely different -- advice, but as a man, you have more time. I know a ton of first-time parents in their late 30's/early 40's. It's very, very common these days. I think that these types of time pressures often lead to bad relationship choices -- the whole "By 35, I SHOULD be doing this because everyone else is...." stuff can interfere with people making sound decisions. Gosh, if I'd gotten married in my 20's just because "everyone" was doing it (meaning all of my friends, and it was true, they were!) I would probably have ended up miserable and either divorced OR worse, in a terrible marriage wishing I were because in my 20's I was in no way ready to make that kind of commitment -- I didn't know myself well enough to do that.

 

I don't believe that taking time off from dating indefinitely is a good idea, but...your last couple of relationships indicate that you have a pattern of choices when it comes to relationships that is NOT working for you, and until you really address that, on your own, without a woman there, you may never be able to sort everything out. Think of it as being in a really noisy room and trying to concentrate on something -- like doing really hard math problems. With a bunch of people yelling, laughing, talking loudly all around you, you're going to have a hell of a time solving those math problems. If, however, you're permitted to go into a quiet room, alone, without all the distractions, you'll have a better chance of figuring them out. You might not solve them immediately, but eventually you will, and you'll be able to go back into the loud room and interact with everyone else and have a great time.

 

As for the current "girlfriend," I think you need to think of yourself as broken up. Try NOT to read anything into what she has said -- or what she has NOT said (i.e. she hasn't come right out and said the word "break-up") For all intents and purposes, you're not together right now. I know it's difficult, but if you keep analyzing and analyzing her words, you can convince yourself of anything. I remember a guy breaking up with me in an e-mail, telling me "I think we should be friends for now." Yeah, I got the first part about being "friends" and understood on some level that it meant breaking up, but...I latched onto the "for now" part and convinced myself that he'd be back -- that it was just a temporary thing. It wasn't. My last ex, same thing. I spent SO much time reading into things he said ("I think we'll be in each others' lives for a long time") and things he didn't say (he never said it was over for good), that I hung on in limbo for a LONG time. Therapy, plus time, plus finding out he was seeing other people (there's nothing like having to work with your ex and him bringing his new girlfriend to work!) plus making new friends and re-establishing old connections, plus finding new hobbies/interests and re-visiting old ones, all helped me to pull myself out of that hole, gradually, and move forward.

 

I hope you are able to find a new therapist to continue addressing your pattern of getting too attached too quickly to someone new, investing too much in someone too early, etc. Until those abandonment/rejection issues are truly dealt with, there will be more of the same for you. When you know better, you do better, as Dr. Phil would say (I know a lot of people hate him, but....he's right about a lot of stuff!)

[browneyedgirl36]

Let's be realistic. Do you actually think you're going to meet, date, marry, and get your wife pregnant in a little over three years? Because if you keep going the way you are going, that's not going to happen. And to be honest you really need to think about whether having children is the right choice for you. Can you provide financially and emotionally? I don't want to discourage anyone from having kids, but I am very concerned you would be repeating your unresolved childhood wounds with your kids.

 

The other consideration is that you are a man. You have longer options for fertility than women. You can have kids into your 40s. So throw that silly timeline out the window. You are not other people. I had friends who married and had kids in their early 20s. Doing that would have been a disaster for me. Same for you.

 

You have to put yourself first man and not obsess about relationships. I think I told you this same thing two years ago. Think of where you could be if you actually did.

 

Yep. I never stopped being hopeful, and I never stopped being open to relationships, but when I stopped obsessing, it happened. I wasn't just passively standing around waiting, which accomplishes nothing, but I wasn't obsessively seeking a relationship, either. There's definitely a space between those two things.

[gp11a]

Yep. I never stopped being hopeful, and I never stopped being open to relationships, but when I stopped obsessing, it happened. I wasn't just passively standing around waiting, which accomplishes nothing, but I wasn't obsessively seeking a relationship, either. There's definitely a space between those two things.

 

I always think it's helpful when I hear people say this, because that's how it usually works best for me. I was OBSESSIVE about finding a relationship when I was about 20 years old... then I just casually met up with someone with no expectations... that turned into a 10 year relationship/marriage. I'm trying to re-learn it all, but if I really start crushing, then I have to remind myself to chill. I've always noticed it works best when things go slow and there is equal give/take between both people.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Going to reply to all of you who have posted so far, but wanted to throw this in here quick. Finally "heard" from her today, if this counts at all. I guess she needs more time... I'm going to just take this as a long drawn out way of her breaking up with me. I don't get the feeling that another day or two she'll come back to me saying, "Yea, I thought about it and now I want to be with you for real, I want to try this again". Maybe I fear for or just assume the worst, who knows...

 

Her Hey I know this is kind of awkward but the massage therapist emailed me the following information “ insert stuff re: instructions and paperwork specific from the massage therapist with whom she booked for me."....I do still plan on reaching out to you but still need some time to think about things. I hope you understand. I still need some time to think about things. I hope you understand.

Me OK, thanks. I feel awkward going to a massage not knowing where we stand though... did you give her my email address? I do understand, take your time. Just don't forget about me.

Her: It's not awkward. Is your email address (blank)?

Me: Yes.

[TheSpoon2Big]

The other consideration is that you are a man. You have longer options for fertility than women. You can have kids into your 40s. So throw that silly timeline out the window. You are not other people. I had friends who married and had kids in their early 20s. Doing that would have been a disaster for me. Same for you..

 

I agree, too, that your timeline for having kids may not be realistic. Why so rigid on "kids by 35?" I mean, if you were a woman, I'd give slightly different -- though not entirely different -- advice, but as a man, you have more time. I know a ton of first-time parents in their late 30's/early 40's. It's very, very common these days. I think that these types of time pressures often lead to bad relationship choices -- the whole "By 35, I SHOULD be doing this because everyone else is...." stuff can interfere with people making sound decisions.

 

You’re both right and have valid points and perspective/wisdom being both older than me I assume (I know Darcy is 34?). And I’ve heard/had this discussion with others in my [real] life.

I shouldn’t compare myself to others necessarily in regards to if people around me similarly aged and have kids or are married etc by now, but I can’t lie and say it doesn’t influence me slightly. I think that’s somewhat human nature? You have fantasies or envision yourself with a wife and two kids in a nice house with a white picket fence, and don’t forget the family dog!

 

However, despite being biologically able to have kids older than women, I don’t want to be in my 50s when my kid(s) graduate high school, ya know? My dad didn’t have me until he was 35, my Mom was 33 or so. My dad was always known for being so much older than all my childhood friends’ dads.

 

That’s all.

 

More to come/follow on the more juicy parts of everyone’s replies

[Coldarmy13]

In your reply to her you still pressed to get some sort of a resolution by saying it would be awkward not knowing where you stand. You say that you're assuming it's a slow burn towards a break up but are still asking to hear something from her. Also, the don't forget about me thing sounds needy and gives her the impression you're just sitting around waiting on her. If you're still going to stay in contact don't send more than one text at a time. If it were me they'd just be responses when necessary. Also would not bring up the "relationship" at any time until she does.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Let's be realistic. Do you actually think you're going to meet, date, marry, and get your wife pregnant in a little over three years? Because if you keep going the way you are going, that's not going to happen. And to be honest you really need to think about whether having children is the right choice for you. Can you provide financially and emotionally? I don't want to discourage anyone from having kids, but I am very concerned you would be repeating your unresolved childhood wounds with your kids.

 

 

The other consideration is that you are a man. You have longer options for fertility than women. You can have kids into your 40s. So throw that silly timeline out the window. You are not other people. I had friends who married and had kids in their early 20s. Doing that would have been a disaster for me. Same for you.

 

 

You have to put yourself first man and not obsess about relationships. I think I told you this same thing two years ago. Think of where you could be if you actually did.

 

 

I already sort of replied to your and browneyed’s echoing of the having kids now/too soon bit, so I’m leaving it out of this specific reply at least. I certainly DON’T want to pass on any of my mental issues to my kids, or have them grow up seeing an unhealthy husband and wife, like I did (don’t we all though? why do some of us struggle more than others then?). I DO want to get better mostly for myself but also for the family I may one day have. I want to be the strong man, dad, husband, family man etc. I don’t want to be the Dad mine was, that’s for sure. Can I provide financially? Yes. I mean, if I was raising en entire 4 kids and a wife who did not work and I had a house and two car payments etc could I do that? No. Emotionally? I would absolutely be there 100% for my kids. They would come first. I’d love them to death and give my life for them and want them to grow up safe and happy. I know all you guys see here mostly is the bad side to me, because that’s what causes me to post or to have issues and/or to seek counsel. But I’m not a bad guy! I really am a nice person who is very likable.

 

 

I can’t believe you remember me from 2 years ago still?!?! That was during the beginning stages of my now 2yr-long ex. I asked them to delete that thread because one night she went through my phone and into my texts and emails and saw the link in my email to that thread and was reading it. Awkward and of course she got really mad at me for it.

 

 

 

 

I agree wholeheartedly with this. I went FOUR (!) years between this relationship and my last one, and while I will admit that this is probably an extreme for most people, for me, I think, it was necessary after having gotten involved with the totally wrong person and been jerked around by him (a lot of which was my fault for allowing it) for nearly 5 years. I actually needed significant recovery time -- almost as if I were in an extended rehab -- and it was the best thing I could possibly have done because when I came out of it, I met the greatest guy ever.

 

 

Again, I'm not saying my timeline is good for everyone -- it was a long time, longer than most people would be willing to wait -- but I had things to work through, confidence to get back, self-esteem to get back, things I needed to do and experience so that I could be a better version of myself for the right person. And, honestly, I've never suffered from anything like BPD or PTSD, and I STILL needed that much time. Yes, I did go to therapy, intermittently, but it was more to help me to understand some patterns in my life so that I could work on changing them. I also had the added benefit of not wanting to have children, so I didn't have to worry about the "biological clock" or look at every guy as a potential husband/father for my kids. I feel like it cut out a lot of the pressure and helped me to choose more wisely.

 

 

I don't believe that taking time off from dating indefinitely is a good idea, but...your last couple of relationships indicate that you have a pattern of choices when it comes to relationships that is NOT working for you, and until you really address that, on your own, without a woman there, you may never be able to sort everything out. Think of it as being in a really noisy room and trying to concentrate on something -- like doing really hard math problems. With a bunch of people yelling, laughing, talking loudly all around you, you're going to have a hell of a time solving those math problems. If, however, you're permitted to go into a quiet room, alone, without all the distractions, you'll have a better chance of figuring them out. You might not solve them immediately, but eventually you will, and you'll be able to go back into the loud room and interact with everyone else and have a great time.

 

 

As for the current "girlfriend," I think you need to think of yourself as broken up. Try NOT to read anything into what she has said -- or what she has NOT said (i.e. she hasn't come right out and said the word "break-up") For all intents and purposes, you're not together right now. I know it's difficult, but if you keep analyzing and analyzing her words, you can convince yourself of anything. I remember a guy breaking up with me in an e-mail, telling me "I think we should be friends for now." Yeah, I got the first part about being "friends" and understood on some level that it meant breaking up, but...I latched onto the "for now" part and convinced myself that he'd be back -- that it was just a temporary thing. It wasn't. My last ex, same thing. I spent SO much time reading into things he said ("I think we'll be in each others' lives for a long time") and things he didn't say (he never said it was over for good), that I hung on in limbo for a LONG time. Therapy, plus time, plus finding out he was seeing other people (there's nothing like having to work with your ex and him bringing his new girlfriend to work!) plus making new friends and re-establishing old connections, plus finding new hobbies/interests and re-visiting old ones, all helped me to pull myself out of that hole, gradually, and move forward.

 

 

I hope you are able to find a new therapist to continue addressing your pattern of getting too attached too quickly to someone new, investing too much in someone too early, etc. Until those abandonment/rejection issues are truly dealt with, there will be more of the same for you. When you know better, you do better, as Dr. Phil would say (I know a lot of people hate him, but....he's right about a lot of stuff!)

 

 

See 4 years seems like an awful long time to wait in between dating people. It worked for you, and I know you even acknowledge that might not be for everyone and maybe a little on the extreme side. I used to think ONE year was a long time. When I met my ex (the one I was with for 2yrs) she had been single for just over a year from her 7yr long relationship. She told me that was her own personal choice, to be single and get over him and be happy being alone. Then she met me and we “fell in love” eventually. However, she was incredibly rusty and naive and not “in sync” with the dating process at the time I noticed it and in retrospect I see it clearly. Not only had she been with a guy for 7yrs, but then single for a year on top of that. When she met me, you could almost say she had not “dated” in 8yrs. No wonder she was so shy and just uncomfortable or quiet all the time.

 

 

I digress.

 

 

Yes, I think I have to accept the fact that my current girlfriend and I are “broken up”. As much as it brings me a little bit of pain to admit, it’s there. I guess I’d rather just expect to be disappointed if she ever does call or text instead of hopeful she’ll change her mind. If she really wanted me and had changed her mind or thought about the good things she saw in me and liked, she wouldn’t have waited this long to call/text. Unless you consider her reaching out to me today re: logistics of the birthday present massage details I posted earlier.

 

 

You’re right, I could read a lot into what she does or doesn’t say. It’s driving me nuts. She said “ I still need some time to think about things. I hope you understand.”. What am I supposed to say to that other than to coddle her and say “Oh yea of course baby you take all the time in the world to mull it over while I wait by the phone for you to call!” Ugh. Just tell me already. It’s like she’s trying to come up with a nice way to break up with me. She told me how she hates confrontation, hates disappointing people, and has a hard time breaking up with people and hurting their feelings. She was with a guy prior to me for 2 months but told me it took her like 1 month to actually break up with him!

 

 

I like your analogy of the math problem and a loud room.

 

 

My confusion/issue is, when I’m alone, I don’t have the same types of problems I have in relationships. Meaning, all the cliches “get to know yourself” and “be happy alone” have a hard time getting through to me. I’m intellectual enough to understand and process everything, but emotionally there is a roadblock to applying. I can be happy by myself, driving in my car listening to music. I can be happy at the grocery store, or doing a hobby like working on my car, playing music, maybe a video game, working out at the gym, etc. I could THINK I’m doing fine and am ready for a relationship. Then I get in one, and THEN eventually we clash, and some of my issues come out that I think to myself “OK you promised yourself she was never going to see you get angry!” then I beat myself up for that.

 

 

What I meant to say was sometimes I don’t know where I’m at, emotionally/mentally, and I use a relationship as a measuring stick of sorts to see just how composed I can remain in the face of adversity that a relationship will eventually bring.

 

 

I have a new therapist lined up, he called me today to confirm our first appointment next Monday. This is the newest (and third) therapist I’ve had assigned to me in this facility, and this time it’s a male. The prior two were women, and one left to start her own therapy practice elsewhere, and the other one just retired/decided to spend more time with elderly family members. I’m looking forward and hopeful to another new fresh start therapist, even though I’m sick of telling my story over and over and over again, but 3rd time might be the charm. Also, I want to see how I can feedback from another straight male for example.

 

 

Goodnight for now guys. Has the current/gf/ex called or texted since earlier? Nope.

 

 

Do I feel incredibly awkward still accepting her gift she gave me for my birthday of the massage this weekend? Very…. not sure what to do about that.

[TheSpoon2Big]

In your reply to her you still pressed to get some sort of a resolution by saying it would be awkward not knowing where you stand. You say that you're assuming it's a slow burn towards a break up but are still asking to hear something from her. Also, the don't forget about me thing sounds needy and gives her the impression you're just sitting around waiting on her. If you're still going to stay in contact don't send more than one text at a time. If it were me they'd just be responses when necessary. Also would not bring up the "relationship" at any time until she does.

 

Ugh yea, I knew I'd look back on that text and regret it. Hindsight is 20/20. I thought I was being sort of witty when I said "don't forget about me" and should have tried to use emojis or a smiley face, but I guess that still would have looked needy. F**K me~

 

Would anyone else here feel awkward at all accepting and/or following through on a gift/present such as a massage for a future date? Personally, I find it challenging because in the back of my head I keep thinking that on the day she bought this present, and on the day she came over to give it to me (which was my birthday), she was starting to become more aware of how much on the fence she was about her and I and how much her ex was still in her mind, and B) I had to ASK her to come see me on my birthday regardless. I feel more awkward with the first one. The whole time I'd be enjoying a massage I'd be thinking, "Oh that was so sweet and nice of her to buy me a massage but only break up with me the day after my birthday and tell me how she'd be contemplating it for at least a few days that she's been thinking about her ex".....

[Coldarmy13]

If she told me she needed time to think and hoped I understood, I'd say "you know where to find me" or something similar. No way I'd coddle someone who isn't sure if she wants to be with me. Like I said, she knows good and well what she did now it's almost like she's stringing you along.

 

I'm sorry I'm not following in the massage thing. What was a gift for? Like a personal massage or a gift of a professional one at a spa or something? Honestly I'd treat any idea or intention of a gift before she ended it, null and void. To put it crudely, to hell with her gifts.

 

Don't treat someone like a priority when they treat you as an option.

[Ms Darcy]

BigSpoon,

 

Of course I remember you over the years. I hope it goes without saying that we think you are a very good guy. Otherwise, I personally would not care to follow and cheerlead for your ultimate happiness. I think you're a very good guy. Overeager in dating for sure, but a good guy.

[TheSpoon2Big]

Guys, tell me if you think it's stupid or dumbfor me to feel this way, but I don't know if I even want to "accept"the gift she gave me of the massage, especially if I don't hear from her bySunday (the date of the massage) to let me know she's still interested and wantsto be with me, I don't want to go through with it. And ESPECIALLY if shecontacts me before Sunday to inform me that she's not in fact interested in herand I and is still hung up on her ex. So what then, I still proceed and get amassage knowing inside that A) when she purchased the gift for me she wasalready having doubts about us and he ex in the back of her mind and B) that Ihad to even get her to come to my place on my birthday to give me the presentin person in the first place! Considering that we essentially “broke up” thenext day, the gift feels awkward in my hands.

[TheSpoon2Big]

If she told me she needed time to think and hoped I understood, I'd say "you know where to find me" or something similar. No way I'd coddle someone who isn't sure if she wants to be with me. Like I said, she knows good and well what she did now it's almost like she's stringing you along.

 

I'm sorry I'm not following in the massage thing. What was a gift for? Like a personal massage or a gift of a professional one at a spa or something? Honestly I'd treat any idea or intention of a gift before she ended it, null and void. To put it crudely, to hell with her gifts.

 

Don't treat someone like a priority when they treat you as an option.

 

 

• Do you think me telling her “take your time, don’t forget about me” was coddling? I mean, I could see how it might be. I just didn’t know what to say, and didn’t want to just say nothing. Yea, I do feel like she’s stringing me along, that’s enforced by what you just said there.
  
• The massage thing I will try to explain. So on my Birthday, after work, when our dinner date (for my b-day) fell through that night, we were going to just call it a night but she suggested we do it the following night instead (which would have been Tues, 5/17, which didn't happen either). But I did get her to come over to my apartment on my birthday to see her. She obliged, and when she came over she had an envelope/present for me. I opened it up, and it was a gift certificate to a nice 90min long massage, which I love!
  
• The gift just feels tainted or awkward to me now, or I’m just being passive aggressive in not want to accept it anymore. Reason being was because for example, my b-day was on Mon (5/16). We kind of broke up or whatever the following day, 5/17. Had I not asked her to come see me on my birthday, who knows when/if I would have ever gotten that present!
  

 

 

BigSpoon,

 

Of course I remember you over the years. I hope it goes without saying that we think you are a very good guy. Otherwise, I personally would not care to follow and cheerlead for your ultimate happiness. I think you're a very good guy. Overeager in dating for sure, but a good guy.

 

That’s funny/cool that you remember me. Browneyed might too, possibly. I remember both of you posting a lot in my thread back then, giving me advice. Eventually I got so many different sort of opinions’/advice, I just went with the flow with her and it was great, we were in that lovey-dovey stage for months, until s*ht hit the same and she went through my emails and actually ended up reading our old thread from here! I’m not letting that happen again!

 

 

• Thanks, I don’t think I’m a bad guy. I know I need help in a few major areas, but I know I can be a good bf/husband/partner to someone someday….
  
• Still haven’t heard from this current girl save for those texts yesterday. I told her I felt awkward accepting her gift, and she said “why do you feel awkward? It was a gift” like that’s supposed to make me feel better.
  
• At this rate, wouldn’t shock me if I didn’t hear from her by Sun (date of massage), or if I never heard from her again.
  
• My fear from the whole “time and space” request from girls thing (as it has always been in all my relationships, now that I am looking back on it) is that the time and space will just give them the cushion of being alone without me, therefore making it easier for them to come up with the right words to eventually break up with me, and/or to make themselves feel better after a few days of peace and quiet from the relationship so their cushion when they break up with me comforts them and they’re less emotional about it because they’ve had time/days to think about it and heal and get over it, all the while I’m sitting here waiting and wondering if she’ll pick me to move forward with or not.
  

 

I feel like I’m going to get kicked to the wind, as usual…